I woke in a start, a deep voice echoing in my mind. Visions of the void.
  • Courtesy of @bachelorABC
  • I woke in a start, a deep voice echoing in my mind. Visions of the void.

As of this writing, Iowa is caucusing for the presidential primaries. Bernie and Hillary are in a virtual tie and we’ve learned that Trump lost to Ted Cruz. Can you feel that? The gods of reality TV have been struck a blow. Is it possible that the dark realm in which they reside is now quaking, a red sun flickering itself out overhead? If Donald Trump drops out, will humanity finally be freed from the thrall of banal, mindless entertainment?

HELL NO! We need to find out who Ben picks to be his wife. Catch up quick on last week’s recap here: Click, and click true, before the reality TV gods fade back into black, oily ether for another 10,000 years.

Tonight’s episode preview: We’re in Mexico City, MEXICO! Surprise midnight dates (hello, sleeping retainers)! Fashion shows. Jubilee goes off! Olivia targets the other girls, and her true colors are revealed to Ben.

Appease the Dark Ones by reading more after the JUMP >>>>>

Ben tells us that he feels the relationships are starting to feel more and more real. He feels confident that his wife could be in this group of women.

Arriving in Mexico, the women are stunned by their new hotel suite... which has a bidet!

TIME OUT

America, let’s get on this bidet train. If we’re the most advanced society in the world, then there needs to be a bidet in every bathroom. I went to Tokyo once and the toilets there made me turn into a genderless being of pure white light and love. 2015 NBA champion, Steph Curry loves his bidet so much that it literally made him better at basketball. Get a bidet for yourself, they can be spendy, but there’s a range of prices. Think of it as an investment in you.

Anyway, DATE CARD 1: The 1-on-1 goes to Amanda. “Let’s put all our eggs in one basket,” the card says. Olivia is shocked that her name isn’t on the card because Amanda has children, and she doesn’t think that’s what Ben wants. Olivia taking on the responsibility of someone else’s children is a big deal, so I can see where you would think that—but damn girl, mind your own fuckin’ business.

Now it’s 4:19 am. Ben creeps up into the girls’ hotel room to (surprise!) wake up Amanda for their 1-on-1. Naturally, he ends up waking up the other girls in the attempt to find her. Amanda wakes up WEARING MAKEUP. Amanda is an esthetician, mind you, she should know better than anyone that sleeping with makeup on is awful for your skin. That’s how President Taft died.

On the 1-on-1: Ben and Amanda crest a ridge to see a bunch of Hot Air Balloons! I didn’t think it would be possible, but this combines BOTH of Ben’s moves. 1) Flying over things and 2) Hot Tubs. Okay, well… Hot tubs and hot air balloons both have the word “hot” in them and a balloon basket is very tub-like. Look, I’m doing the best I can with what I have to work with!

I ran to my window searching for fresh air, and found only horrors
  • courtesy of ABC
  • I ran to my window searching for fresh air, and found only horrors

Back at the Hotel: Jubilee is having a tough time sharing Ben with other women. DATE CARD 2 arrives: Group Date with Jubilee, Becca, JoJo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B, Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia. The big news is Lauren H. isn’t on the card. She’s the last one out, which means she’s going to get the second 1-on-1 this episode. “Como se dice the way to a man’s heart,” the card says. According to google translate it’s: “El camino al corazón de un hombre” My answer is: “Un cuchillo.”

Back on Amanda’s 1-on-1: Ben and Amanda sit down for their evening dinner/heart-to-heart. Amanda delves into her past marriage, says there was a lot of red flags. She found texts on his phone from other women. That forced a tough decision for Amanda: put up with that bullshit, or break up her family. Sounds like she did the right thing and left the fucker, but then she went on The Bachelor to date ANOTHER guy who is seeing multiple women. So has she really learned anything? Anyway, he gives her the date rose.

After the date Amanda says as hard as it is being away from her kids, it’s worth it for her, and for them too—because she’s really falling in love with Ben. I’m sure they see it that way.

GROUP DATE: Ben says they are going to "totally engross themselves in the culture today." Jubilee HATES group dates because she doesn’t like to compete with other women. They are taken to a classroom where they meet a Spanish teacher. Ben is looking for everyone’s best effort, not best Spanish skills. The girls have to go up one by one to say romantic things in Spanish to him. Jubilee is fed up with it, and makes it awkward by being standoffish. Olivia gives it her all. I give it about a week before everyone stops reading these recaps.

After that they enter a market—a super fancy high-end grocery store with a restaurant upstairs where they are going to learn how to cook Mexican food from some chefs. The recipes will be given to them in Spanish. The women are paired up, but the numbers are odd unless Ben is on a team too. Olivia jumps on the chance to be paired with Ben. Fucking Olivia. She’s a greedy little pig. She thinks this is her chance to get a date rose.

The girls go downstairs to the market to gather their ingredients using only Spanish to communicate. Olivia and Ben are off sampling the wares. They eat crickets and do shots of Mezcal. The other girls accuse Olivia of having awful breath. Ben makes a point to grab some mint and sample it with Olivia. Is that a hint? The women think so. I think Mojitos are overrated.

DATE CARD 3 arrives: As we established it’s for Lauren H. “Let’s design a life together,” the card says.

Back on the group date, the teams are cooking now. Ben says “I’m no longer the Bachelor, I’m the Spatch-elor!” You guys, he’s so quirky and funny, and have you looked at his eyes? They are so kind.

In the night a thousand thousand crows alighted on the rooftops and began to caw.
  • Courtesy of @bachelorABC
  • In the night a thousand thousand crows alighted on the rooftops and began to caw.

Time to eat! Maybe I missed it, but I guess this was a cooking competition. One by one the Mexican chefs try all the dishes. It’s like a lazy, uninteresting version of Chopped. The chef judges accuse Oliva and Ben’s food of looking like dog food, which is an insult to dog food. Jubilee and Lauren B’s dish wins. And what do they win? Nothing. No rose. Not even extra time with Ben. Maybe the journey is the reward? This show is pretty philosophical. That's why I like it so much.

On to the evening portion of the Group Date: Oliva jumps in right away again. Every time she does this it reminds me of people who push past me to get off the MAX, like, "Hey man—this is my stop too. Why do you think you deserve to get off the train before everyone else? Are you some sort of secret President? Oh... I'm SO sorry Mr. President." Anyway, they play crazy person strings and handbells music over Ben and Olivia’s interaction. Other girls continue to have moments with Ben, and we keep cutting back to Jubilee talking about her jealousy. The time bomb is ticking. 10...9...8...7...6...

Ben takes Lauren B (who is from PDX, remember?) away from the group date out to the street. They have a sweet moment. Then they are, like, just MAKING out. Go Blazers! The other girls notice they’ve been gone for a long time, especially Jubilee. She’s getting furious. 5...4...3...2...

Ben finally comes back to take Jubilee aside for some alone time. She refuses to hold hands as they walk off. Jubilee admits to Ben that she feels overshadowed, unnoticed, and forgotten. Ben tells her that he thinks she’s pulled back—like her hand. It’s a metaphor. Trust me, I’m a smart guy. Jubilee says she isn’t pulling back, and asks Ben not to give up on her. When Ben asks if she still sees something between them, she turns the question around on him. Ben admits that he doesn’t see anything there. Effectively dumping her. Ben walks Jubilee out.

The ravens circled above my head as I walked barefoot through the night
  • Courtesy of @bachelorABC
  • The ravens circled above my head as I walked barefoot through the night

Jubilee says her heart hurts. Love is a spectrum. Life is impossible. Goodbye Jubilee, thanks for serving our country. Ben takes it hard. but making out with JoJo is just the thing to pick up his spirits. Ben gives the group date rose to Olivia because he “reconnected” with her. The other women can't believe it. Ben doesn't see who she really is.

On to Lauren H.’s 1-on-1: Ben says they're going to "engross themselves into fashion." That’s the second or third time Ben uses the word “engross” and it en-grosses me out. Now that’s a pun, Mr. Spatch-elor. They go to a clothing store with a bunch of godawful prints. Like your-aunt-bought-a-silk-blouse-on-vacation bad. The guy who designs these clothes pops up and invites them to be his guest at Mexican Fashion Week.

At the fashion show Ben and Lauren H. learn that they’re going to be runway models in the show. Understandably Lauren is super nervous and insecure around the other professional models, but she pulls it off. That's a seriously cruel position to put someone in for a date. They do shots of tequila after the show. I look at my can of La Croix and try to will it to transform into a gin & tonic.

Later that evening Ben and Lauren H sit down for dinner. Ben needs to find out if there’s something real with Lauren H. She goes into her past—she was in a serious relationship and moved across country to be with him, but then he suddenly broke up with her. Turns out that, surprise, he was cheating on her. This seems to be a common theme with some of these ladies. How bad does your taste in men have to be that you decide, “Fuck it. I’m just going to go on national TV and let a man pluck me out of a sea of women. The die is cast.”

Lauren says that a year after that break up she made the realization that it’s up to her to choose to be happy. Thats some Thich Nhat Naht shit right there. Ben is impressed by this new side of Lauren H he’s discovered so he gives her the date rose.

With that, we’re onto the Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony. Everyone is still shocked by Jubilee going home early. The girls are on edge thinking anything can happen. But not Olivia, she is confident in her dominance, especially armed with her group date rose.

Lauren B. tells Ben that she can see a life with him. A LIFE with him. Like a LIFE-LIFE. Not like a life, but LIFE. Lauren B. is a clear favorite to at least make it to the final two. I just wish she could find a more nuanced way to express her feelings. Maybe a dictionary, like a DICTIONARY.

Back at the party, the other girls are chatting and Amanda goes into some issue involving her children back home. Olivia comes out and says she feels like watching an episode of Teen Mom. Which is is some rude ass shit to say. Amanda and Emily tell her as much. Olivia turns on the waterworks and apologizes, but Emily thinks she's FAKE. And I agree. So Emily takes this to Ben. Enough is enough. Ben says he thinks he knows Olivia, but the girls seem to know a different Olivia, and now he needs to get to the bottom of it.

The streets led me to a well so deep that no light could touch the bottom. The void.
  • Courtesy of @bachelorABC
  • The streets led me to a well so deep that no light could touch the bottom. The void.

The game is afoot, and detective Ben approaches Olivia to ask how things are going in the house. Olivia feigns ignorance. Everything is breezy. Ben then asks all the women how things are going. One by one they tell him how shitty Olivia is. Ben is starting to get confused. He’s less confident in his relationship with Olivia.

So right as the rose ceremony is about to start he pulls her aside one more time. Suddenly all the other women are convinced that Olivia is done for.

I stared into the pit and saw the Dark Ones. Their red eyes like meat hooks for my soul. To them I was forever bound.
  • Courtesy of @bachelorABC
  • I stared into the pit and saw the Dark Ones. Their red eyes like meat hooks for my soul. To them I was forever bound.

We end on a cliffhanger! No Rose ceremony this week… so come back next Tuesday to find out who stays and who goes.

Preview: Lot of the women crying, everyone is shocked. Ben is making the biggest mistake of his life. He stands on a cliff, a storm brews in the distance, waves crash against the rocks. Shit about to get REAL.