Gay male in my late twenties here. I recently ended things with a guy I had been dating for about two months. Our relationship started as a strictly sexual one. We're both involved in the kink scene in our city and have interests that align in a particularly great way. Very quickly it became clear that there was more of a connection than just a sexual one. The next two months were pretty great! We spent several nights a week together, me often spending the night at his place, I even had a toothbrush at his place within three weeks. Everything was poised to make this into a great relationship.

Early on I noticed that he was a much more extroverted person than I was. He would laugh loudly at movies, works the room at parties, says wild things about kink in the middle of crowded restaurants. I, on the other hand, prefer to blend in with the scenery, and tend to get uncomfortable when people call more attention to me than I'd like.

Initially I thought of this as a price of admission I was willing to pay, but it soon became really tiresome to hang out with him. Add into that a tendency to behave like an excited five year old, and it was just too much. I ended things telling him that there were just conflicts with our personalities that made a relationship difficult, not specifying what. He has definitely fallen for me—he's stated it over and over again—but I don't want him to think that he has to change who he is to be with me.

I'm confused, Dan. I loved the feeling of being in a relationship again (I've been single for a VERY long time). When he's being down to earth and just talking to me like an adult we have a ton in common. The sex is great, and finding someone who shares your kinks and you're attracted to emotionally is rare. He's asking me to reconsider. I've told him I need some time. What do I do? Should I find a way to not only tolerate, but love his loud personality? Or should I accept that I was right to end this?

Tired Of Being Single

He shouldn't have to change who he is to be with you, TOBS, but what if he wants to?

It's unlikely he'll morph into an quietly-tittering, always-kink-discreet introvert, just as it's unlikely you'll ever morph into a braying, oversharing extrovert. But if making an effort to dial it back now and then is the price he has to pay to be with you—along with reserving convos about his kinks (and, by inference, your kinks) for fetish clubs and play parties—why not let him decide if that's a price he's willing to pay?

You're gay and kinky, TOBS, as you're well aware. Presumably you're also aware that gays represent a tiny percentage of the general population, and kinky gays represent a not-so-tiny-but-still-small-ish percentage of the gay population. I don't think you should have to marry this man, regardless of his flaws, just because you're gay and your kinks align. But you should think twice about discarding a guy who's gay and kinky and attractive and whose company you enjoy most of the time just because he gets on your nerves now and then. (I'm pretty sure I get on my husband's nerves now and then.) At the very least you owe it to yourself, just as you owe it him, to be specific about the reasons you pulled the plug.

Because he might want to make an effort to win you.

There's a lot that's good here—your kinks align perfectly (so rare!) and you enjoy spending some-but-not-all of your time together (so common!)—and there are workarounds for the bad. A quick example from my own life: Terry is way more extroverted than I am. So sometimes he goes to movies, restaurants, clubs, parties, and concerts without me. I stay home and read or sleep or clean. And then, when he gets home, we have something to talk about: how the movie was, whether the restaurant was any good, who was out at the club, who got messy at the party, if there were any cute boys in the band he saw. He doesn't make me go out, I don't make him stay home. It's a workaround that works for us.

With some effort, TOBS, you could find the workarounds that work for you: he makes an effort, when you nudge him, to dial it back; he goes to comedies with his friends, dramas with you; if he's working a room, you slip into another room. Give it a chance.