My best friend and I (straightish/not giving a fuck-ish female and asexual/gay agender) are in a rather codependent relationship. We are roughly equivalent from a psychological perspective, which is a rare find for such fucked up people. The differences that we do have tend to complete each other so that in many situations it is easier to function as a unit. One might think such codependency is unhealthy, but having a constant friend security blanket has made us both happier and calmer. I wake them up in the morning and help them with their makeup, they calm me down when I have panic attacks, and we hang out in the evenings. On weekends we are even more inseparable because we don't have school and can enhance our friendship with substance use. Essentially we function as a hive mind.

As one might imagine, such a clingy relationship is not conducive to dating. Given that my hive mind companion is asexual and I am terrible at selecting mates, neither of us are keen on spending less time together to pursue romantic interests. What our otherwise perfect ecosystem does seem to be missing a source of oxytocin, e.g. a boy to fuck/kiss and hold hands with, respectively. Naturally, it would be convenient for us to share the same boy.

It seems unrealistic to hope we will find a theoretical boy who is both kissable and who happens to be attracted to two people of significantly different aesthetic/gender and who is down for a particularly weird variation of polyamory. But we are hopeful. In fact, we may have located a potential candidate, though we don't know him especially well.

We have discussed the possibility enough that I think our friendship would survive any outcome of the situation. However, it is extremely difficult to ask someone, "Hey, we want to date you, but only as a unit, how do you feel about that?" Such a proposition can't really be executed in a typical dating format as it requires such explicit exposition. Then if the idea appeals to him we will need to provide further exposition about the exact sexual or emotional relationship between each party. (Essentially my friend probably won't be down for sex, I will be, threeways are unacceptable but we may want to make out with him concurrently, and we will always be closer to each other than to him.)

Do you have any advice on how to execute such a conversation?

Happy And Looking Forward

Nope.

I'm tempted to leave it there, HALF, but I'm way too Catholic to leave it there. So let me see what I can scrounge up for you...

The ideal boyfriend for you two—the perfect source of oxytocin—would be a fully programable sex robot. Your requirements are that specific. But it's going to be a few years, if not a few decades, before the lifelike sexbots come online. So what to do in the meantime, HALF? You do what everyone else seeking a partner is doing: You put yourselves out there, you get on OKCupid and other websites, and you make an effort to be open, honest, and breezy about who you are and what you want.

Most guys aren't going to be interested in such a complicated package deal, HALF, so your search may be a long and ultimately fruitless one. But there are definitely guys out there who are or wannabe poly. And while the odds you'll find a guy equally attracted to you both are long, HALF, they're not impossibly long, particularly since he'll only need to be fully intimate/do all the sex stuff with one of you.

And, hey, your particular brand of codependency may be a selling point. There are guys out there who find it difficult to function on their own, HALF, and lots of them. A triad relationship grounded in mutual support and focused on emotional security could be just what some of those guys are looking for... even if they don't realize it until after they've met you.

Good luck.