This Week in the Mercury
5
Thursday, February 28, 2013
5 / Portland Five More Acts of Unadulterated Awesomeness
Posted by Alex Falcone on Thu, Feb 28, 2013 at 1:29 PM
Welcome to episode two of my continuing effort to document Portland's small victories and unsung heroes.
[1] Tiny giraffe chained to the street.
In my last episode, I mentioned how much joy I get out of the tiny horses chained to the street. Alert reader Virginia sent me this picture of a tiny giraffe chained up while her owners are inside. I love you guys so much.
- Courtesy @thayerve on Instagram
[2] OMSI After Dark, or more generally, adults-only events at kid places.
Last week I had a nightmare that people were making fun of me for not being to tie my shoes. While I'm technically an adult, I'm emotionally seven. So it's nice that OMSI recognizes that some of us want to play with the block crane without waiting in a line of children. Other establishments should learn from this (psst, I'm talking to you, Portland Zoo and sketchy Portland Aquarium).
[3] Unnecessary bike delivery
I love people who make things unnecessarily hard on themselves and Portlanders do that as well as anybody. The harder it is the more we seem to like it. Selling Tacos by bike isn't that hard, so Clever Cycles is upping the ante by delivering hot tubs. I predict that in six months something is going to be delivered by horse and buggy. "If you're on the east side, we're going to have to caulk the taco truck and float it across."
[4] Solar powered garbage compactors
These have gone a long way towards fixing the overflowing downtown trashcans but I especially like the touch of having beautiful pictures of the city on them. I'm especially fond of this one because I assume the people in it don't know their faces are on a garbage can.
[5] Bagel shops popping up to replace Kettleman's.
We don't need a natural disaster to prove we know how to pull together in a crisis. When Kettleman's got purchased by the fast food bagel BAKERY that shall not be named, we rose up as a city and offered twice as many good bagels as we lost. Kenny & Zuke's are still my favorite and they answered the call by turning Sandwichworks into a Bagelworks. New, amazing bagel shops are popping up all the time. Because Portland is full of heroes.
Keep up the good work, Portland. Nominations for Acts of Awesomeness? E-mail me.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Horrors / Oh, You Kids! / 5 Five Dolls No One Wants for Xmas. No One.
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Dec 16, 2010 at 10:44 AM
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Thursday, October 7, 2010
5 Five Questionable Archie Panels
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Oct 7, 2010 at 1:58 PM
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Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Bieber Fever / 5 Confidential to Justin Bieber: Five Ways to Get Punk'd
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Oct 5, 2010 at 2:00 PM
Dear Justin Bieber:
I know it's been 27 minutes since I last wrote, but I must take umbrage with your latest business decision, and NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD!! PANT! PANT!! AHHH-RROOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I'm talking about your decision to take over hosting duties for the abysmally annoying Ashton Kutcher TV show, Punk'd. Here are some very good reasons why you're making a monumentally ignorant decision:
1) You really, really, really don't want anything to do with Ashton Kutcher. Ashton Kutcher is the genital herpes of Hollywood. Ashton Kutcher has never done anything of worth in his life—and this includes pity porking Demi Moore. And he did this:
People have been kick-fucked for less.
2) Now's not a good time to be video pranking ANYONE.
3) If you "punk" someone, you can expect to be "punk'd" in return. For example, what if someone were to tell you that your entire career was a joke? I mean, really. Discovered on the internet? Picked up by Usher? A Canadian nobody that has a flat, pitchy voice and only moderate dance skills that just somehow becomes the most adored pop star on the planet? One could ask, "Who is punking who?"
4) Besides, as long as there's an internet, there will be multiple ways for people to punk YOU. Such as... SARAH BIEBER.
After the jump, four more examples.
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Monday, October 4, 2010
5 Five Cathys
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Oct 4, 2010 at 12:43 PM
As Dave previously mentioned, the last ever Cathy comic strip was published yesterday. But she shouldn't get dibs on the name, right? To help wash the thought of this out of your mind forever, here are five totally unrelated Cathys courtesy of Google image search.
1.
- "ACK!!"
2.
- "ACK!!"
3.
- "ACK!!"
4.
- "ACK!!"
5.
- "ACK!!"
Thursday, September 23, 2010
5 Five Pictures that PROVE Justin Bieber Can Act
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Sep 23, 2010 at 1:28 PM
Guys! Tonight, tonight, TONIGHT is Justin Bieber's dramatic acting debut on CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS, 9 pm) in which he plays either a bomber, a bomber's brother or who gives a shit because it's JUSTIN BIEBER! ACTING! For those haters out there who still don't believe that Justin is the Kurt Cobain of acting, here are five definitive pictures that prove Das Bieb can act the shit out of a wide range of emotions.
5.
- Justin... ANGRY!
4.
- Justin... SEXUALLY AROUSED!
Three more emotive examples after the jump!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
5 Five Halloween Costumes Designed to Scare the Shit Into Your Pants
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Sep 21, 2010 at 1:26 PM
Guys! Halloween! Just around the corner! And this year I've decided to "out-creep" myself by purchasing a vintage child's Halloween costume, and wearing it on top of my grown-up nude body. Then I will hide behind a dumpster in an alley. Until YOU come along.
Here are my top five picks (plus a bonus).
5.
- "Satan"
4.
- "Donny Osmond"
Hit the jump for more horrifying choices. IF YOU DARE.
Monday, September 20, 2010
5 Five Ways I Can Judo Your Ass
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Sep 20, 2010 at 2:13 PM
This past weekend, I was the hit of Ned's birthday party (naturally) by showing off my wicked sick Judo moves. I took a "junk Judo" self-defense class in college (taught by an ROTC sergeant who also happily showed me how to "decapitate Charlie with a shovel if you're ever caught in the jungle"), and surprisingly, I retained almost everything I was taught. Here are demonstrations of my most awesome Judo moves that I will happily pull on your ass, should you ever decide to cross me.
5. "Sacrifice Throw"
4. "Sanda Takedown"
Three more wicked sick moves after the jump! HAAAAAI-YAH!!
Friday, September 17, 2010
5 The Five Worst Beatles
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Sep 17, 2010 at 11:43 AM
From least worst to most worst.
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Thursday, September 16, 2010
5 Five of my Favorite Men's Magazine Covers
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Sep 16, 2010 at 3:43 PM
That homophobic Captain Marvel post from earlier today reminded me of my AWESOME collection of men's action or "sweat" magazines from the '50s and '60s. These pulpy rags were tailor-made for former WWII soldiers who found themselves transformed into bored, emasculated suburban drones, and were extremely popular at the time. In fact, they were so popular there were well over 100 titles devoted to these types of magazines. The content was salacious—way more so than the Mercury, I'm sad to say—and would touch on such necessary topics as rescuing nymphos from Commie prison camps, how to properly stab an attacking shark, homophobia/eroticism, and killing Japs/Gooks/Nazis. OH! And the acquisition of loose, semi-nude women, of course.
My favorite part of these mags—and the reason I collect them—was because of the art, which was always fantastic and hilarious. My fave cover artist of the time was Mort Kunstler, who is currently known for his Civil War paintings, and produced the most AMAZING artwork for these pulps. Such as THIS. Anyway, while my dream is to one day own an original Kunstler, I'll keep collecting these really fun mags.
Here are five of my favorite covers in my collection.
1.
- "Fire Ants Ate Me Alive!"
Four more after the jump.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
5 Five Best "I'm With Asshole" Photos
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Sep 14, 2010 at 11:58 AM
5.
- "I'm with asshole."
4.
- "I'm with asshole."
3.
- "I'm with asshole."
2.
- "I'm with asshole."
1.
- "I'm with asshole."
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