Happy birthday to Justin Bieber who turns an extremely LEGAL 18-years-old today!

As you know, I've written well over 100 posts documenting Bieber's rise to fame, so to celebrate his birthday, what follows are the TOP 10 "BIEBER FEVER" COMMENTS LABELING ME AS A PEDOPHILE. Hit the jump.

Continue reading »

As Justin Bieber's voice (and balls) continues to drop, it's no surprise that he would be looking to diversify more and more into acting—just like Justin Timberlake who consistently breaks my heart by refusing to PUT OUT A GODDAMN ALBUM!! (Ahem.) Anyway, according to Movie Web, Das Beebs is itching to hop into feature film acting, and guess what movie remake he's got his eye on?

We've been told that Bieber has been mulling over a number of feature ideas... [but] its Marky Mark's dark R rated thriller Fear that has caught the attention of Justin Bieber.

There are currently no plans to remake Fear, released by Universal Pictures in 1996. But Justin Bieber is rumored to be obsessed with the movie, which finds Mark Wahlberg playing the psychotic boyfriend of Reese Witherspoon, who torments both her and her family...

It is believed that Justin Bieber will pursue the rights to remaking Fear, using the film as his launching board into feature film acting. Though, its being speculated that this new Fear will most likely be tamed down for a PG-13 rating....

Waitasecond!! A PG-13 rating?? You can't fingerbang Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster with a PG-13 rating!! (Let's just pray for an extended "director's cut" of the roller coaster scene and that Reese's 35-year-old vagina will be available. Hurry up, Justin! Unlike you, Reese isn't getting any younger!)

Did you miss these posts? YES, YOU DID. That being said, this morning I briefly mentioned that Monsieur Bieber is in the midst of a tabloid scandal involving a fan who claims they had a "toilet tryst" backstage after one of his shows, and now she has a three-month-old baby to show for it! But why should you waste brain cells reading the story and his denials, when the Taiwanese CG geniuses can show you what happened in hilarious detail?

As I mentioned in Good Morning News, the New York Post reports that Sly Stone (as in "Sly and the Family...") is currently homeless and living out of his van. In what I think is a related story, Us Magazine reports that Justin Bieber surprised gal pal Selena Gomez by reserving the entire Staples Center (all 20,000 seats of it) for a romantic steak dinner-for-two and a screening of Titanic.

Let's say you were to receive a foot rub from Justin Bieber, as his current girlfriend Selena Gomez is getting in the photo below.

• Via "I Slept with Cody Simpson"

You might be inclined to say, "Thank you, Justin Bieber, for the foot rub. I'm certainly glad your fans are a loving, understanding lot."

BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Find out what Justin Bieber fans did say about this pic after the jump. (WARNING: It ain't pretty.)

Continue reading »

In fact, Brush Buddies have come out with a whole line of dental products erotically called, "Justin Bieber Oral Care" that includes the following:

• Justin Bieber Adult and Kid-sized Toothbrushes. These are not so awesome because they don't do anything except have his face on the handle—which you can't see anyway while you're brushing your teeth, right? So what's the fucking point? They should have tiny reproductions of his head on each bristle. WORK ON THAT SHIT, BRUSH BUDDIES!
• The Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush! Now we're talking!! These Bieber-embossed tools play two of Das Beebs greatest hits for two dentist-recommended minutes while you brush away a day's worth of encrusted filth, sticky fluids, and swarming bacteria from your molars.
• And… wait just a fucking second... JUSTIN BIEBER TOOTH FLOSS??? Oh, sweet Jesus—it's like a beautiful dream! 55 yards of delicious minty waxed floss, personally approved by the greatest pop artist of this (or any other) century!
• They even have a Justin Bieber Oral Care Travel Kit that contains a Bieber brush, a two minute hourglass timer (!!), Bieber floss (!!!), AND a Justin Bieber tongue scraper (!!!!!!!!!)—though why anyone would want to remove the taste of Bieber from their mouth is beyond me. (Goddammit. I just insulted myself, didn't I? REVERSE REVERSE BURN!!)

Whatever... ME WANTEE!!

Here is a human resources complaint sent by a co-worker of David Thorne—one of the greatest troll artists working today—after David photoshopped Justin Bieber's face all over the co-workers personal photos.

Here is a snippet of the email exchange after the co-worker discovered the doctored photos:

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.05pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
But what did you put Justin Biebers face on them for dickwad? I was going to use them for something.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.12pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
You can still use them. Justin Bieber is very popular.

Continue reading »

BIEBER BEAT!! People often speculate what Justin Bieber may be like when he turns 30—and now? There may be a movie to answer that very question! From the LA Times.

Bieber is eyeing a lead role in the comedy “What Would Kenny Do?” according to a person who was briefed on the project but was not authorized to speak about it publicly. The film tells of a relationship between a 17-year-old and his thirtysomething self. Said thirtysomething would be played by Ashton Kutcher, the source said.

What… the… SHIT?!?

Chris Baldi’s “Kenny” script, which landed on Hollywood’s Black List in 2008, is an R-rated comedy describing a teenager who meets a hologram claiming to be the adult version of himself; the hologram then helps guide the teen through high school.

I'm pretty sure that if I needed someone to guide me through high school, it wouldn't be Ashton Kutcher. (My first instinct is to go with Kelly LeBrock.)

BEIBER BEAT!! In other critical Bieber news, remember how Beebles cut his hair for charity, which was then purchased for $40,000? That very same hair is currently ON A NATIONWIDE TOUR (I swear to god I'm not kidding) in a glass case (under constant supervision from TWO bodyguards), where anyone who donates money to the Japanese relief fund can have their picture taken with it! In a related story: THAT'S FUCKED!

BIEBER BEAT!! Washed-up salvia huffer and one of the most terrible people in the world Miley Cyrus pissed on both Justin Bieber and Rebecca "Friday" Black in a recent interview saying that kids these days? They got it tooooooo easy!

"It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn't just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour," she told Australia's Daily Telegraph.

Justin offers his own advice for Miley after the jump.

Continue reading »

Well, the unauthorized Justin Bieber comic book is finally out, and for those of you who would rather spend $4 on a 22 page poorly drawn biography instead of $10 on the wholly awesome Justin Bieber: Never Say Never in Buttfucking 3-D—then have at it. Comics Alliance has a very funny/scathing review of this piece of shit, which includes this panel and commentary:

That would appear to be Mrs. Justin Bieber's Mom, naked save for a bedsheet, cuddling her baby, who has a surprisingly full set of teeth. Also, there is a sailboat painting involved.

Read all of it (and see even more freaky panels) here!

Check out das Beebs AH-MAY-ZING commentary in this week's issue of The Onion on the subject of fame, existentialism, and this "infinitesimal speck of humanity." Here's a taste of his editorial aptly entitled, "Your Obsessive Love Or Hatred Of Me Means Nothing In The Grand Scheme Of Geological Time."

Ask yourself: What then will all your hyperbolic reverence or vitriolic bile even mean? To what do your hours spent online fawning over or vilifying me because of my Grammy performance amount when compared to a recent scientific finding that, as the Pacific and North American tectonic plates collide, the mountains north of Los Angeles will, over the next 100 million years, grow to peaks higher than the Himalayas, only to be eroded down to pebbles by millennia of wind and rain?
...
I suppose we've come to the point where we should just plainly state the ugly truth of all this: If you expend any energy at all either obsessively doting on me or hating me with the very fiber of your being, then I'm sad to say you are squandering your brief window as a cognizant being in this universe.

EEEEEEEEEEE!!!! OH SWEET GOD, I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!! (Read the whole thing here.) In a related story...
THE NEW JUSTIN BIEBER WAX FIGURE HAS BEEN REVEALED!!!!

.....after the jump.

Continue reading »

Yesterday Justin Bieber was trapped in his Liverpool hotel room, and ordered by police to stay inside until the huge throng of girls outside chanting his name dispersed. Here's some video:

(My favorite person is the guy sheepishly saying "booooooo" in the background.) In an attempt to escape, Bieber used a daring "whatup" Twitter maneuver, that was ultimately successful. Welcome back to the world (2.0), Justin. We missed you.

Miley Cyrus—WHO I DESPISE AND YOU WOULD KNOW THAT IF YOU EVER READ ANY OF MY STUPID TV COLUMNS—hosted SNL this weekend and pretended to be Justin Bieber on "The Miley Cyrus Show." The sketch was "pretty cool." Except for the Miley Cyrus part. HE'S NOTHING LIKE THAT, YOU DUMB, SNAGGLE-TOOTHED HILLBILLY!!

OKAY, OKAY! Esperanza Spalding beat Justin Bieber out of a Grammy! Can we puh-leeeeze stop gloating about it already?!?

And finally, Der Beeble is growing a mustache.