Hey, three guesses as to which movie looks un-fucking-bearable:
Believe will be pop pap, but holy shit, can you imagine how amazing an actual documentary about Bieber would be? "Right, so then I peed in a bucket, and then I was all 'Fuck Bill Clinton!' but then I met Bill Clinton—weird—and then I called a DJ a bitch and spat in his face, and then I spat in some fans' faces, but then I was all, 'Here, let me point a flashlight at women I want to bang, and then start a fight and call someone else a bitch,' and then I took a girl to McDonald's and banged her, and then, after my bodyguards had tackled this guy and he was on the ground, I kicked him, and then I was hella bored so I went to a brothel in Panama City, and then I went to a brothel in Rio, and then I was all 'Oh shit! What if I get banging prostitutes in a brothel?' So then I thought I would be able to sneak out of the brothel so long as I dressed up like a tiny little ghost, obviously, and just remember: Believe in yourself. Believe you can do anything if you set your mind to it."
That movie? That movie I would watch the fuck out of.
Selena Gomez (former Disney princess—who still looks kind of like a Barbie doll if you ask me—and star of Spring Breakers which is pretty goddamn AWESOME [read my review of that in tomorrow's Mercury]) went on David Letterman and delivered what I would call a third-degree burn on her ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber. Cue 17,000 Twitter death threats... now.
I've been known to write a post or two about Justin Bieber, so I was excited to see him taking some fashion risks during his recent trip to London.
I think this is an okay outfit, and here's why:
1) Two watches! One's probably on London time while the other one is on U.S. time. Smart.
2) Bedazzled oversized canary yellow baseball cap! Probably a sunny day in London—good for protecting one's scalp against harmful rays. Yellow is also a good color if you're bicycling, or crossing a busy street. I get that.
3) Purple leopard print Hammer pants that are unzipped and from the rear look like he's wearing 47 soaking wet adult diapers filled with urine and poopy. Those are great pants for... for... OH SWEET JESUS, I'M SO SORRY EVERYBODY! I'm so sorry for wasting two years of your life on Blogtown with my seemingly never-ending posts about Justin Bieber!! Yes, I sincerely thought he was a nice kid with some bouncy tunes at first, and even when he slowly turned into a jackass douche, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt... BUT THIS?? I... I just can't... I just can't even...
UPDATE: I'm still sorry, and check out these hilarious tweets from Lost's co-creator Damon Lindelof about Justin Bieber's hat!
It did not occur to me that eating a habanero or two and then trying to tell topical jokes into a camera would be so... the worst.
I didn't really think much about it. I have my own late-night talk show (Late Night Action w/ Alex Falcone - season two starts in January!), so I know I can deliver the shit out of a topical monologue. I like spicy foods. I like being on YouTube. Boom. Easy. Sure, guys, I'll be on The Spicy News.
Here's something I didn't know: when you eat a whole habanero pepper it has a slight delay, like pulling the pin out of a capsaicin grenade. I thought maybe I was just too much of a man for this silly little pepper to affect me. In that moment, surrounded by the camera equipment and a room full of comedians I really wanted to impress, I thought my overwhelming manhood was getting in the way of my ability to be funny. I was so afraid I'd do a bad job that I ate a second pepper. And then they both punched me in my stupid mouth at the same time.
I barely got through the rest of the jokes, delivering a total of none of them with the aplomb I'd envisioned. The staff (Spicy News feels like it's produced by every comedian in Portland; there were something like 30 people in the studio) rushed in with a bowl of ice cream that did very close to nothing to curb the UNBELIEVABLE BURNING IN AND AROUND MY FACE.
Instead of being relieved it was over, I was enormously sad. I wasn't expecting that either. I think what happened was my eyes were watering so hard, my body thought we were crying. "What's that, eyes? Crying? Lots and lots? Shit, something way sad must have just happened. Come on, emotions, get your head in the game!" I was curled up on a chair hugging my ice cream and feeling super bummed about nothing in particular for 20+ minutes.
Here's something else I didn't know: habaneros don't just hurt your mouth. If you eat two in a row and don't do a great job of chewing them, you feel a small ball of firey pain moving slowly down your digestive track, hitting your stomach, and expanding to fill the entire thing.
Somebody asked me if I'd eaten dinner first. "You should eat a bunch beforehand so you don't get a stomachache. Also we usually have people eat a couple Tums before they start." These are both super helpful tips beforehand. They've done like 40 of these videos, and it didn't occur to one of the hundred staff members/groupies there to tell me this before I did the video.
I tell you all of this, dear friend, to let you know how much I've gone through in the last 24 hours in hopes of providing you even a smidgen of entertainment. If you don't watch this video and enjoy it heartily, it'll be like you personally kicked me in the stomach. Twice. So watch it. And if they ever ask you to be on the Spicy News tell them to shove their habaneros up their numerous asses.
As I warned you about the other day, Justin Bieber kind of threw up onstage at a concert recently. It was actually kind of a minor spew—however, that's not the way the Taiwanese CGI geniuses of Next Media Animation see it! They see a firehose of multicolored puke mixed in with unicorns, dancing bags of Doritos, and... oh for the love of god, just WATCH.
...but if you think about it for even a second it's a feel-bad story too:
Some of the victims fighting for their lives after being wounded in the movie-theater shooting rampage may face another challenge when they get out of the hospital: enormous medical bills without the benefit of health insurance.... Three of the five hospitals treating victims said Wednesday they will limit or completely wipe out medical bills. Some of the victims, however, still face a long recovery ahead and the associated medical costs—without health insurance.
Three hospitals aren't going to go after uninsured shooting victims—they're not going to take them for everything they're worth, they're not going to send them to collections, they're not going to bankrupt them—and that's good news for the uninsured victims of the Aurora movie theater shooting. But uninsured shooting victims in Colorado who weren't fortunate enough to get shot in a particular movie theater on a particular night? Those people are still screwed. The same three hospitals being praised for wiping out the medical bills for the uninsured Aurora shooting victims will continue to bankrupt other victims of other shootings. Because that's how our system works.
And some of the people who might wind up bankrupted? The insured victims of the Aurora theater shooting. Sixty percent of bankruptcies in the US are caused by medical bills and more than 50% of those bankrupted by medical bills actually had health insurance. Take it away, Justin Beiber:
Asked if he wanted to become an American citizen, Bieber made clear his love for Canada—and its health care system. "You guys are evil," he told the magazine. "Canada's the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don't need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you're broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard's baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby's premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home."
Our system is sick. Still.
Happy birthday to Justin Bieber who turns an extremely LEGAL 18-years-old today!
As you know, I've written well over 100 posts documenting Bieber's rise to fame, so to celebrate his birthday, what follows are the TOP 10 "BIEBER FEVER" COMMENTS LABELING ME AS A PEDOPHILE. Hit the jump.
As Justin Bieber's voice (and balls) continues to drop, it's no surprise that he would be looking to diversify more and more into acting—just like Justin Timberlake who consistently breaks my heart by refusing to PUT OUT A GODDAMN ALBUM!! (Ahem.) Anyway, according to Movie Web, Das Beebs is itching to hop into feature film acting, and guess what movie remake he's got his eye on?
We've been told that Bieber has been mulling over a number of feature ideas... [but] its Marky Mark's dark R rated thriller Fear that has caught the attention of Justin Bieber.
There are currently no plans to remake Fear, released by Universal Pictures in 1996. But Justin Bieber is rumored to be obsessed with the movie, which finds Mark Wahlberg playing the psychotic boyfriend of Reese Witherspoon, who torments both her and her family...
It is believed that Justin Bieber will pursue the rights to remaking Fear, using the film as his launching board into feature film acting. Though, its being speculated that this new Fear will most likely be tamed down for a PG-13 rating....
Waitasecond!! A PG-13 rating?? You can't fingerbang Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster with a PG-13 rating!! (Let's just pray for an extended "director's cut" of the roller coaster scene and that Reese's 35-year-old vagina will be available. Hurry up, Justin! Unlike you, Reese isn't getting any younger!)
Well, more of a teaser, really, right here, simply confirming that yes, there are a lot of geriatric action stars in this movie. As well as some people you've still never heard of! And that one beefcake who they cast as Gale in The Hunger Games.
Also: Between this and the G.I. Joe 2 trailer, I'm starting to wonder if Bruce Willis is even in movies anymore or if he just shows up in trailers for sequels to give people hope that this time around, things won't be quite as shitty as they were the first time.
Also again: Pfft. Sly, you're telling me you couldn't get Steven Seagal for this? PFFFTTTTT. Like he's busy.
What I love about these Taiwanese CG people is they don't mind beating a dead horse—and then beating the glue that's left over after beating the dead horse. Here's their interpretation of Mariah Yeater's testimony in which she filthily describes her alleged toilet tryst with Justin Bieber that supposedly produced a bouncing baby Bieber boy. Audio is little NSFW-ish!
Did you miss these posts? YES, YOU DID. That being said, this morning I briefly mentioned that Monsieur Bieber is in the midst of a tabloid scandal involving a fan who claims they had a "toilet tryst" backstage after one of his shows, and now she has a three-month-old baby to show for it! But why should you waste brain cells reading the story and his denials, when the Taiwanese CG geniuses can show you what happened in hilarious detail?
Justin Bieber called for a senator to be arrested on live radio yesterday:
On a radio show, the tween pop sensation called out Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), who’s sponsoring legislation to make it a felony to profit from streaming unlicensed content online, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reports.
“That guy needs to be locked up,” Bieber said after hearing about the bill, apparently not immediately remembering Amy is generally a woman’s name. “Whoever she is, she needs to know that I’m saying she needs to be locked up, put away in cuffs.”
I never thought I'd write this, but: I agree with Bieber. Not that Senator Klobuchar needs to be arrested, but the Stop Online Piracy Act—which can make streaming of unauthorized copyrighted content punishable with up to five years in prison—is total bullshit. This Free Bieber site is taking advantage of the glow of celebrity attention. If you want to know more about why you should care about stopping the Stop Online Piracy Act, you should read this post. This is important.
Sharp-eyed commenter Joneser tipped me off to this hoot o' the day: A tumblr that turns celebrity noses into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Most notably... TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA BIEBER!
Oh, yes! Many more of your fave celebs being turtle-ized here.
As I mentioned in Good Morning News, the New York Post reports that Sly Stone (as in "Sly and the Family...") is currently homeless and living out of his van. In what I think is a related story, Us Magazine reports that Justin Bieber surprised gal pal Selena Gomez by reserving the entire Staples Center (all 20,000 seats of it) for a romantic steak dinner-for-two and a screening of Titanic.
That's right... BIEBER BEAT IS BACK!!! Did you miss it? BE HONEST. Anyway, in the following homemade video, Justin Bieber tries out "coneing" which is apparently the newest fad you crazy kids are into these days. (When I first read it, I thought that it said "Justin Bieber tries canoeing," and I was like, "Oh, that's cool. Canoeing is really fun.") Regardless, this is what happens when you get famous: You ruin ice cream and you're a dick to the drive-through employees.
Let's say you were to receive a foot rub from Justin Bieber, as his current girlfriend Selena Gomez is getting in the photo below.
You might be inclined to say, "Thank you, Justin Bieber, for the foot rub. I'm certainly glad your fans are a loving, understanding lot."
BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Find out what Justin Bieber fans did say about this pic after the jump. (WARNING: It ain't pretty.)
So Justin Bieber purchased and has been seen wearing a $25,000 "Stewie" (from The Family Guy) necklace, containing 12 carats of diamonds and rubies. Via TMZ.
As I previously reported—which you would already know, if you weren't so goddamn obstinate in your refusal to ever read my "Bieber Fever" posts (which you probably aren't reading now, so why am I even wasting my time?)—Justin Bieber has his own line of perfumes! SQUEEEEEEEEE!!! Unfortunately, it's a girly perfume, and doesn't smell anything like him. (Justin Bieber smells like a combination of power, estrogen, Bubble Yum, and a popcorn shrimp plate from Long John Silvers.)
Anyway! The new commercial for his new fragrance, SOMEDAY, is finally here, and this is what I learned from this commercial.
1) Wearing Justin Bieber perfume is tantamount to a million Justin Bieber kisses on one's neck.
2) Wearing Justin Bieber perfume is tantamount to awkwardly flying through the air with Justin Bieber.
3) Wearing Justin Bieber perfume is tantamount to smelling what you'll never truly have.
I'm sad now. Goodbye.
In fact, Brush Buddies have come out with a whole line of dental products erotically called, "Justin Bieber Oral Care" that includes the following:
• Justin Bieber Adult and Kid-sized Toothbrushes. These are not so awesome because they don't do anything except have his face on the handle—which you can't see anyway while you're brushing your teeth, right? So what's the fucking point? They should have tiny reproductions of his head on each bristle. WORK ON THAT SHIT, BRUSH BUDDIES!
• The Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush! Now we're talking!! These Bieber-embossed tools play two of Das Beebs greatest hits for two dentist-recommended minutes while you brush away a day's worth of encrusted filth, sticky fluids, and swarming bacteria from your molars.
• And… wait just a fucking second... JUSTIN BIEBER TOOTH FLOSS??? Oh, sweet Jesus—it's like a beautiful dream! 55 yards of delicious minty waxed floss, personally approved by the greatest pop artist of this (or any other) century!
• They even have a Justin Bieber Oral Care Travel Kit that contains a Bieber brush, a two minute hourglass timer (!!), Bieber floss (!!!), AND a Justin Bieber tongue scraper (!!!!!!!!!)—though why anyone would want to remove the taste of Bieber from their mouth is beyond me. (Goddammit. I just insulted myself, didn't I? REVERSE REVERSE BURN!!)
Whatever... ME WANTEE!!
Okay, so it's one thing for this Cody Simpson character to try and ride Justin Beiber's butt-hairs to success—BECAUSE IT AIN'T GONNA WORK. You, sir, will NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVERRRRRRR have even a microscopic speck of the success enjoyed by the greatest pop artist this world has ever known, Das Beebs. So just quit trying to win over our hearts via our stomachs with your newest promotional product/breakfast cereal, Cody Crunch.
It comes in four different hippie flavors including "Choco Goji," "Multigrain Flakes" (BLEGGHHH!!), "Healthy Hoops," and "Apple." WHAT? You couldn't think of a better flavor name than "Apple"? How about "Anus-y Apple," or "Ass-Kissing Apple," because that's what you are, Cody! A goddamn no-talent ass-kisser! Apparently it also contains "155 calories and 6 grams of sugar" (BOOOOOO!!! THIS IS GONNA TASTE LIKE SHIT!!!), and a whopping 17% of your daily recommendation of fiber. (Actually, that's good news for me. I haven't taken a decent dump since Tuesday.)
This aggression will not stand! If Justin Bieber won't create his own cereal, then we'll have to do it for him! Please suggest a name for a Justin Bieber cereal in the comments, and I'll get those pothead idiots up in our art department to mock up a box for us, because this aggression will not stand! Sorry. Already said that.
This is possibly the greatest Tweet you will ever read:
While it may be momentarily uncomfortable, pretend you're Justin Bieber for a moment. Now, in his voice, pen the perfect Bieber response to this impossible tweet in the comments!
Here is a human resources complaint sent by a co-worker of David Thorne—one of the greatest troll artists working today—after David photoshopped Justin Bieber's face all over the co-workers personal photos.
Here is a snippet of the email exchange after the co-worker discovered the doctored photos:
From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.05pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
But what did you put Justin Biebers face on them for dickwad? I was going to use them for something.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.12pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
You can still use them. Justin Bieber is very popular.
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