This Week in the Mercury
Biscuits
Friday, September 30, 2011
Biscuits / Media The Latest Secret Weapon in America's "Battle of the Bulge"? Why, it's John Canzano!
Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Sep 30, 2011 at 2:29 PM
I know this because I actually read one of Canzano's columns this week. (A column that I've since dipped into a cup of silky supple egg whites, and then rubbed all over my belly and chest.) And in the column, Canzano offers a roadmap for how regular people like me and you can selflessly intrude on the private lives of the obese to help them get in shape.
Just listen to (actually, read) how Canzano says he helped a 445-pound man shed something like 271 pounds over the past two years. (Not that Canzano's taking credit; oh no, not at all.) The man was a sports fan who chatted Canzano up one night in a parking lot and then left Canzano watching, haunted, as he very awkwardly struggled to stuff himself back inside his comically compact car.
Canzano was so horrified—and yet so magnanimous!—that he just had to do something about it. Even at the risk of coming off like a giant, meddling asshole!
It was an old Toyota Tercel. The person who had parked beside it, hadn't left him much room. A normal-size person might have been able to slip into the vehicle, but Oneill couldn't. So I watched, horrified, as he opened the passenger door, then wrestled himself across the car into the driver's seat.I couldn't shake that disturbing sequence for days.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Biscuits / Horrors / SEX Introducing... My Newest Sex Toy
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Aug 12, 2011 at 2:14 PM
An astute Seattle reader sent this in after seeing it in a Ballard supermarket:
Sure, I suppose one could use it for fishing... however, I'll be using it to augment my already formidable sexual technique. Which begs the question:
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Biscuits / News Breaking Christmas Tree News
Posted by Marissa Sullivan on Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 12:59 PM
Well, here's the deal: Tallest tree goes to Phoenix, making up for lack of any weather. Heaviest, SF—who cares? Brightest, Salt Lake, powered by Joseph Smith's memory. I'm a little upset that Portland doesn't even make this list... but maybe we'll get on the map now that someone tried to blow ours up (too soon?).
See the full article and large image here: Thanks Gizmodo!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Biscuits Hey Fatty Marmot! Put Down the Biscuit!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Jul 9, 2010 at 10:23 AM
Hey Marmot! You are one fat fuck, marmot. Look at you! Seriously, is this how you spend your day? Sitting on a leopard-print bedspread, eating the fuck out of a biscuit? YOU'RE DISGUSTING! How can you have any respect for yourself? You look like someone poured 30 lbs. of gravy into a 5 lb. plastic bag, and then painted it to look something like a marmot. BUT THEY FAILED! Because you're so fucking fat, you don't even look like a marmot! It's like a hippo fucked a beaver, and you're what came out. Get on a diet, for the love of Christ! Ride a bicycle... DO SOMETHING. Do something other than just sitting on your humongous ass on a leopard-print bedspread, eating a biscuit, and grossing me the fuck out.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION!!
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Friday, June 4, 2010
Biscuits / Mercury Mmmm, Mercury Column
Posted by Courtney Ferguson on Fri, Jun 4, 2010 at 5:48 PM
As if you weren't excited enough about our birthday, let us fondly look back at our investigative journalism coup de grace:
God, I'm hungry.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Biscuits / Music Today in Bollywood Disco
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Jan 12, 2010 at 4:42 PM
Blogtown Tipper Kip alerts us to the following dollop of Bollywood amazingness! I say we should take... oh, maybe 30 minutes... learn the entire dance and perform it in City Council next Wednesday!
Eternal thanks, Kip! Got a tip to share with your Blogtown friends and neighbors? Hit the Blogtown Tipper next to our logo!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Biscuits My New Year's Resolution...
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Dec 31, 2009 at 10:47 AM
... is to become strong enough to have a big black guy ride on my back, and to have bricks of gold surgically embedded inside my calves. But that's just me. What's your resolution?
Monday, December 28, 2009
Biscuits What I Got for Christmas, and WHAT YOU DIDN'T
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Dec 28, 2009 at 11:35 AM
Well, well, well... look what I got for Christmas, and WHAT YOU DIDN'T!!
Connect Four, bitches!!
Merlin, bitches!!
Simon, bitches!!
I got one of these, too. Sorry I called you "bitches." Bitches.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Biscuits / Media / SEX Levi Johnston's Butt
Posted by David Schmader on Mon, Nov 23, 2009 at 3:37 PM
Let the the admiration/judgment begin.
Thank you, WOW Report.
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Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Biscuits Well, That Was Close.
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Oct 20, 2009 at 1:58 PM
Go, go, go, go, go, go, GO!!!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Biscuits I Don't Care What You Say, I Like Megan Fox
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Sep 28, 2009 at 2:09 PM
In case you missed it, check out this skit from the season premiere of SNL featuring Megan in one of those super awkward live chat commercials. IT'S FUNNY, YA'LL! (And mercifully short.)
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Biscuits "It's a Trap!": Safety Tips from Admiral Ackbar
Posted by Admiral Ackbar on Tue, Sep 22, 2009 at 9:43 AM
Hi, Kids!
It's me, Admiral Ackbar from that Star Wars movie. You know, I'm pretty good at figuring out traps. And now, you can learn the "11 Traps" adults use in their constant efforts to molest you. Please watch the following video about "Stranger Danger" and see if you can guess which of the following skeezy adults are setting traps for gullible children such as yourself. (Hint: It's all of them.)
Wasn't that educational, kids? By the way, did you know we're shooting one of the new Star Wars movies in my windowless van across the street? Wanna be in it? C'mon! Let's go!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Biscuits It's Huey Lewis and the News Friday, Ya'll!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Sep 18, 2009 at 3:15 PM
… And here's a guy who really knows how to celebrate Huey Lewis and the News Friday. (There is the slightest chance that the only reason he's doing this is because he lost a bet… but I don't care. I like him.) Have a great weekend, you guys!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Biscuits / Food / TV Sexy Biscuits!
Posted by Will "the Intern" Radik on Fri, Sep 4, 2009 at 3:47 PM
Hey, ya'll. It's Sexy Biscuits Friday! Just watch this hot biscuit plow into that silky wall of chocolate!
What!? You don't like crunchy, phallic biscuits!? Well, NSFW Superman has something to say to you, then.
Big ups to my funny friend @jarvitron for showing me the Superman vid.
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Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Biscuits Which Do You Prefer: an A-Hole or a B-Hole?
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Jun 30, 2009 at 3:01 PM
Personally, I don't taste much difference between an A-hole and a B-hole… but then I'm funny like that. However, the people in this ad for Hardee's new Biscuit Holes have a lot of opinions… mmm… about holes.
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