[Note: Erik is making me do this even though funnier outlets already have. I just want you to know that I know this.]
There's a fine American tradition of talking-cat films, from The Cat from Outer Space to Oliver and Company. But if the incredulity with which the creators of A Talking Cat!?! framed their titled tells us anything, it's that they're unfamiliar with the rich territory they've strip-mined for their super-boring talking cat movie. It's like they've never seen a talking cat before! It's also like they've never held a movie camera, written a script, or coached an actor to "act natural."
I don't even want to talk about this movie. Will you just take my word for it that it has a plot, of sorts? Can we talk about something else? How was everybody's week? Mine was good. I had a bad moment yesterday where I forgot I'd eaten beets, but otherwise, good.
Fun fact: There is a Hollywood superstition that putting a question mark at the end of a movie title is bad luck. Here are some films whose titles should contain question marks, but don't:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
What's Eating Gilbert Grape
What's Love Got to Do with It
Here are some films whose titles do contain question marks, superstition be damned:
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
A Talking Cat!?!
So... I have a cat! If you guys didn't know. My cat is named Queequeg, which tells you just what kind of asshole I am. The cat in A Talking Cat!?! is named Duffy, which, according unreliable internet sources, is a surname of Irish origin that means "dark-skinned." Duffy actually has fur, so.
Director David DeCoteu is a native Portlander! So that's another fun fact. Another... well, let's call it a "fact," is that he also directed shockingly boring softcore porn series 1313. You can find them on Netflix! And should you choose to find them on Netflix—if you are that sort of person—you might notice that the very house where A Talking Cat!?! takes places also serves as the setting for 1313: Boy Crazy! Here's a trailer in case you don't believe me.
YEAH. SAME HOUSE. I KNOW.
A Talking Pony!?! is currently in post-production.
Alright, this is the last installment of the Blogtown acknowledgements of our best contenders in this week's Pets Issue's Cross-Dress Your Pet Photo Contest, in which we tasked readers with sending us their best pics of their pets dressed as a different kind of animal. It's a real testament to how creative/adorable the submissions were that, for instance, a miniature 10-week-old piglet named Spaz dressed as a bunny didn't win, because that is pretty frigging cute:
More previously unpublished cuties after the cut, including a pet squirrel also dressed as a bunny (how did this not win?!).
I'm tempted to call everyone who submitted to this week's Pets Issue photo contest—in which we asked you to submit a photo of your pet dressed as a different kind of animal—a winner, since all your widdle buddies are so dang cute. (But no, seriously if you are in the market for a dog costume, I can now warn you with authority that bee costumes are played.)
Of, course there is a big difference between a crappy cell phone shot and a carefully framed portrait on which you've gone all arts and crafts and created a diorama. These second and third runners up showed diorama-level dedication, and their critters look good enough to be worthy of your attention:
Submissions are due TOMORROW, WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3 by 5 pm!
Cougar sighting! Non-figurative cougar sighting near Oregon Health and Science University!
The Portland Police Bureau just sent out the following press release (pasted below). Gather your children and pets.
UPDATE, 5:40 pm: We love an animal story here at Blogtown, so we hit the phones on this cougar sighting.
Our questions: Is the apocryphal cat some crazy outlier, unheard of in or around Forest Park? Mightn't it have implications—moral and pragmatic—for the way we should treat our wild lands? Shouldn't we all be going insane about this?
According to Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife Spokesman Rick Swart: Nope.
"There are a lot of cougars in Oregon, and they show up just about anywhere," Swart said. "Especially if there's a forested area around."
Still. Gather your kids.
News Release from: Portland Police Bureau
PORTLAND POLICE RESPOND TO POSSIBLE COUGAR SIGHTING IN SOUTHWEST PORTLAND
Posted: March 26th, 2013 4:10 PM
Today, Tuesday March 26, 2013, at approximately 2:00 p.m., Portland Police officers assigned to Central Precinct responded to the area of Southwest Sam Jackson Park Road and 10th Avenue on the report of a cougar in the neighborhood.
Officers contacted the caller who reported seeing a large animal with a 2' curled tail behind a residence in the 3300 block of Southwest 10th Avenue. The caller and another person reported to police that they are hunters and are familiar with cougars. Officers checked the area but could not confirm the presence of a cougar.
The neighborhood where the possible cougar sighting occurred is directly above Oregon Health Science University, Doernbecher Children's Hospital, the Shriners Hospital for Children, and the Portland Veterans Administration Medical Center. This neighborhood is next to Marquam Nature Park and not far from Washington Park.
The Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife (ODFW) has some tips to remember about cougars: http://www.dfw.state.or.us/wildlife/living_with/cougars.asp
ODFW advises the following if you encounter a cougar:
STOP - Never approach a cougar at any time for any reason.
STAY CALM - Face the cougar and do not turn your back towards it. Do not run. Running encourages it to chase.
APPEAR LARGE - Make yourself look large. Do not bend over or crouch down. Raise your hands. Hold your coat open. Hold small children.
FIGHT BACK - Fight back if attacked.
MAKE NOISE - Make noise while hiking to reduce the chance of surprising a cougar.
KEEP CHILDREN CLOSE - Always keep children close by and in sight.
AVOID WALKING ALONE
While there have been no other reported cougar sightings, the Portland Police Bureau would like community members to be aware of the possible sighting and encourages anyone seeing a cougar not to approach it but to immediately call 9-1-1.
AND YET. Where is her review, you ask? GOOD QUESTION. Has she even seen the movie? BETTER QUESTION. Does her lack of action clearly reflect a strong sense of disdain and disgust directed at you, the loyal and dedicated readers who ensure that she still has a job? OF COURSE IT DOES.
SO JOIN ME, Blogtown readers, in DEMANDING that Alison Hallett uphold her obligations to watch and review the film A Talking Cat!?! Vote below and make your voice heard: You'll find options for how much leeway we should give Alison Hallett until her review is posted on Blogtown. Feeling generous? Give her more time to watch and review the film! Feeling angry to have been CRUELLY IGNORED for the past 25 days? Demand her review goes up sooner!
Whatever date wins will be Alison's deadline for posting the review. Should she miss her deadline, I will post her phone number and email on Blogtown so that you can personally voice your displeasure to her via a nonstop barrage of emails, telephone calls, and text messages. She'd love that.
Bad news for the tourism bureau of Estacada: The town's #1 attraction, the Original Safari Club—a huge haven of cheap drinks, sketchy fried food, and most legendarily, tons of taxidermied large wild game in various states of repair—posted on their Facebook page last night:
I'd be lying if I said I was truly surprised; the fact that it's been around as long as it has is pretty impressive. Delving into the panicked comments on the post, the closure seems due to the costs of keeping up with repairs, of which I imagine there are many.
Waitaminute... Did you catch that last part? "we hope to open eventually in Portland. Help us find a good spot" HOLY SHIT.
Where should the PDX resurrection of the Safari Club go*??
* Because it's a potential dealbreaker, it's worth pointing out that the Club owner also stated that "My animals are coming with me."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but is it, or is it not Mercury Arts Editor Alison Hallett's job to BLOG INCESSANTLY ABOUT CATS? However, when I asked her to review the movie A Talking Cat!?!—which is about a talking cat, and may possibly be the worst movie in cinematic history—she flat out refused! Even better, the cat is voiced by ERIC ROBERTS in the most embarrassing, paycheck-grabbing role ever perpetrated by a struggling aging actor. Check out the trailer... NOW!
YESSSSSSSSSS... am I right? Anyway, even though Alison told me to, quote, "Shut up, shut up shut up shut up, why don't you ever shut up," she agreed to let Blogtown be the finally judge in this matter. SO C'MON, LET'S VOTE! (And remember, Alison! Blogtown polls are legally binding. I'd just love to sue your ass in court. "Shut up shut up shut up," indeed.)
Here's what I learned from this video of a woman who eats cat hair (as featured in the TLC show, My Strange Addiction, returning Feb 13):
1) It's not Alison Hallett!
2) Cat hair tastes like cotton candy—almost.
3) Her sister Andromeda doesn't approve of her eating cat hair. And yet, her name is "Andromeda"! WHY SO JUDGE-Y, ANDROMEDA?? YOUR NAME IS ANDROMEDA!!!
4) Never mind #2—cat hair actually has more of a cotton ball taste. Even less of a taste than human hair, which we all know tastes like Salisbury Steak. OMG, I WOULD KILL FOR SOME SALISBURY STEAK RIGHT NOW!
5) The best way to eat cat hair is to lick it right off the cat. Well, of course it is, and... ALISON! Stop licking your cat!!!
It's that time of year again: Your local Buffalo Exchanges (1420 SE 37th & 1036 W. Burnside) are taking donations of fur garments (either full-on coats or collars, trim, etc—shearling too) for Coats for Cubs, which re-purposes them as bedding for injured and orphaned wildlife. It's a good solution if you have some fur on your hands that you're not sure you can rock (my in-laws thrifted a full-length fur coat for me, which I don't think I'd be comfortable wearing, even on the East Coast)—it won't become landfill, and will serve a guilt-purging purpose. Plus it can be in any condition. Critters don't care. Drop 'em off anytime during either store's regular hours from now until April 22nd—do it for the cute baby raccoons.
(Caution: The following video contains brief footage of PETA-like horrorshow fur factory documentation. You've probably seen worse, but if you're feeling delicate today, don't watch all the way through.)
The Portland Police have informed us that at least two cats in the St. John's neighborhood have been deliberately stolen.
Here's the strange report, which seems to indicate a crime spree inspired by dog-theft-and-ransom film Seven Psychopaths:
On November 15, 2012, at approximately 8:00 a.m., Portland Police responded to a residence in the area of North Kellogg Street and North St. John's Avenue on the report of cat theft by an unknown suspect. The caller reported seeing a man pick up a friend's cat by the tail and put the cat in his car and drive away.
On December 23, 2012, another resident of the neighborhood, not far from the first call, reported seeing a man on the street squatting down and appearing to be trying to lure cats. The caller did not see if the man actually grabbed a cat or not. This caller had a limited description of the man as wearing all dark clothes and a hat, driving a white 2000-2004 Cadillac Deville, 4-door, with tinted windows and possibly a headlight out.
The district officer in the neighborhood has been told of other cats missing, but to date there are only these two reports linking a person to cat theft.
I wasn't sure why the Portland Police was keeping track of lost cats (that's the Humane Society's job) but stealing an animal is, surprisingly, a felony under Oregon law. Keep an eye on those cats and if anyone has information about the thefts, call the police non-emergency line at (503) 823-3333.
As the week draws to a drowsy closezzzzzzzzzzzzzzz—sorry, I had a big lunch. But if you're like me, you're already feeling worn out, in spite of the holiday and the short week. So there's no better thing to do than to goof off and catch up on some local music videos!
First up is a live clip from Grandparents, filmed at the Banana Stand on May 19, 2012. That show is shortly to be released by Banana Stand Media as a live album, continuing their series of excellent work documenting Portland bands in the live setting. This is a beautifully shot clip (courtesy of Collective-47), and a dreamy, daze-y track from Grandparents. The track's titled "Fume," and there will be a release show for Grandparents' Live from the Banana Stand at Holocene on January 24.
Lots more to look at after the jump.
1) In my experience, cats usually wag their tails when they're pissed/want to kill things more so than "excited."
2) This seems like a good way to get cats to attack you from behind.
3) Crepes aren't that exciting.
4) I want one.
While the shill of it all might be shocking for some Kiss fans, it’s really a logical step. Hello Kitty is accepted and collected by 12-year-olds to thirtysomethings and no doubt beyond. Plus, the only other franchise that could match Kitty’s eclectic array of items that beare its cuteness is Kiss (FYI, Kiss has Pez this year too.). As depressing as it is, they’re made for each other.
These songs are best viewed as a collection of lyrical and vocal experiments. Of course the instruments and the music are important, but this album is held together by a dialogue of voices. Conversations with myself and with others. Several tracks contain lyrical contributions from friends and strangers, made possible with the help of the internet.But a picture is worth a thousand words—or in this case, an album stream is worth far more than any further description a music journalist can provide. Hooray, I'm irrelevant! Listen to all of Broderick's new record after the jump, while I take the rest of the day off.
You may have seen this already—and don't worry, I won't get in the habit of posting commercials on the blog—but this one is too good. It's for NE Portland bar Beech Street Parlor, and it stars Joe Haege (Tu Fawning, 31knots) as a... sort of... cat... thing. It is enchanting. It is intoxicating. It defies description.
Your move, Old Gold.
KATU reported this morning that local firefighters spent six hours (!!!) rescuing a kitten trapped in the basement sewer pipes of a building on NE 118th and Sandy last night:
1) This is why people fetishize firefighters. 2) I find it pleasantly surprising that this warrants the time and resources of our city's emergency responders. 3) Don't you think the firefighters who worked so hard to rescue her deserve to have her bear the name of their truck?
So says legendary photographer Henri Cartier-Bresson:
The French photographer Henri Cartier-Bresson was a photojournalist for Life and other publications for over three decades. He is widely considered to be the master of street photography and the father of modern photojournalism.
Henri loved cats and was once quoted as saying "I'm an anarchist, yes. Because I'm alive. Life is a provocation.... I'm against people in power and what that imposes upon them. Anglo-Saxons have to learn what anarchism is. For them, it's violence. A cat knows what anarchy is. Ask a cat. A cat understands. They're against discipline and authority. A dog is trained to obey. Cats can't be. Cats bring on chaos."
As dutifully reported in this week's I Love Television™, SHARK WEEK IS A-COMIN', Y'ALL! And while I'm sure you'll thrill to such subtly titled shows as Air Jaws Apocalypse, check out this somewhat less violent, and tons more ADORBZ parody called "Animals Acting Like Sharks Week." (If you see a kitten fin, GET OUT OF THE WATER.)
"They will be pushing carts, riding skateboards, rolling barrels, ringing bells, turning on lights, walking tight ropes, jumping through hoops, and much more!" Their house band is called the RockCats!
The show opens Wednesday—I have tickets for opening night, no big deal—and runs through August 14, out at the Headwaters Theatre on Northeast Farragut. Tickets are $20 and you can find them, and more info about the show, here.
Housing justice activist Cameron Whitten spent the morning making conversation with all sorts of people who turned up at city hall to discuss the just-announced end of his 55-day hunger strike. But Whitten had a friend to keep him company throughout: A giant fuzzy cat he's named Hungry.
"A homeless girl kind of dumped her on me," says Whitten.
The cat has been living at city hall with Whitten and the other protesters for about a month, since day 20 of the hunger strike. The adorable creature loves rolling around in the organic kale beds that surround city hall's Liberty Bell replica.
More shamelessly cute photos below the cut.
For those who have had quite enough of adorable internet cats, here's a video that's more steeped in reality (at least my reality). BEHOLD! The Evil Cat Supercut from the Animal Planet series My Cat from Hell.
"Let go of the Quinoa."
What follows is a video featuring a Dutch man who stuffed his deceased cat Orville (named for Orville Wright), and then turned the dead animal into a working helicopter. I'm not too sure why you'd need more information than that... but if so, here you go.
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