[Note: Erik is making me do this even though funnier outlets already have. I just want you to know that I know this.]

There's a fine American tradition of talking-cat films, from The Cat from Outer Space to Oliver and Company. But if the incredulity with which the creators of A Talking Cat!?! framed their titled tells us anything, it's that they're unfamiliar with the rich territory they've strip-mined for their super-boring talking cat movie. It's like they've never seen a talking cat before! It's also like they've never held a movie camera, written a script, or coached an actor to "act natural."

I don't even want to talk about this movie. Will you just take my word for it that it has a plot, of sorts? Can we talk about something else? How was everybody's week? Mine was good. I had a bad moment yesterday where I forgot I'd eaten beets, but otherwise, good.

Fun fact: There is a Hollywood superstition that putting a question mark at the end of a movie title is bad luck. Here are some films whose titles should contain question marks, but don't:

Who Framed Roger Rabbit
What's Eating Gilbert Grape
What's Love Got to Do with It

Here are some films whose titles do contain question marks, superstition be damned:

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
A Talking Cat!?!

So... I have a cat! If you guys didn't know. My cat is named Queequeg, which tells you just what kind of asshole I am. The cat in A Talking Cat!?! is named Duffy, which, according unreliable internet sources, is a surname of Irish origin that means "dark-skinned." Duffy actually has fur, so.

Director David DeCoteu is a native Portlander! So that's another fun fact. Another... well, let's call it a "fact," is that he also directed shockingly boring softcore porn series 1313. You can find them on Netflix! And should you choose to find them on Netflix—if you are that sort of person—you might notice that the very house where A Talking Cat!?! takes places also serves as the setting for 1313: Boy Crazy! Here's a trailer in case you don't believe me.

YEAH. SAME HOUSE. I KNOW.
A Talking Pony!?! is currently in post-production.

I'm tempted to call everyone who submitted to this week's Pets Issue photo contest—in which we asked you to submit a photo of your pet dressed as a different kind of animal—a winner, since all your widdle buddies are so dang cute. (But no, seriously if you are in the market for a dog costume, I can now warn you with authority that bee costumes are played.)

Of, course there is a big difference between a crappy cell phone shot and a carefully framed portrait on which you've gone all arts and crafts and created a diorama. These second and third runners up showed diorama-level dedication, and their critters look good enough to be worthy of your attention:

• Busta Rhymes, a Holland Lop dressed as a snail by Makenna Hale.

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It's that time of year again: Your local Buffalo Exchanges (1420 SE 37th & 1036 W. Burnside) are taking donations of fur garments (either full-on coats or collars, trim, etc—shearling too) for Coats for Cubs, which re-purposes them as bedding for injured and orphaned wildlife. It's a good solution if you have some fur on your hands that you're not sure you can rock (my in-laws thrifted a full-length fur coat for me, which I don't think I'd be comfortable wearing, even on the East Coast)—it won't become landfill, and will serve a guilt-purging purpose. Plus it can be in any condition. Critters don't care. Drop 'em off anytime during either store's regular hours from now until April 22nd—do it for the cute baby raccoons.

(Caution: The following video contains brief footage of PETA-like horrorshow fur factory documentation. You've probably seen worse, but if you're feeling delicate today, don't watch all the way through.)

The Portland Police have informed us that at least two cats in the St. John's neighborhood have been deliberately stolen.

Here's the strange report, which seems to indicate a crime spree inspired by dog-theft-and-ransom film Seven Psychopaths:

On November 15, 2012, at approximately 8:00 a.m., Portland Police responded to a residence in the area of North Kellogg Street and North St. John's Avenue on the report of cat theft by an unknown suspect. The caller reported seeing a man pick up a friend's cat by the tail and put the cat in his car and drive away.

On December 23, 2012, another resident of the neighborhood, not far from the first call, reported seeing a man on the street squatting down and appearing to be trying to lure cats. The caller did not see if the man actually grabbed a cat or not. This caller had a limited description of the man as wearing all dark clothes and a hat, driving a white 2000-2004 Cadillac Deville, 4-door, with tinted windows and possibly a headlight out.

The district officer in the neighborhood has been told of other cats missing, but to date there are only these two reports linking a person to cat theft.

I wasn't sure why the Portland Police was keeping track of lost cats (that's the Humane Society's job) but stealing an animal is, surprisingly, a felony under Oregon law. Keep an eye on those cats and if anyone has information about the thefts, call the police non-emergency line at (503) 823-3333.

This may be a manifestation of taxoplasmosis (JK), but it also brings up a couple thoughts:

1) In my experience, cats usually wag their tails when they're pissed/want to kill things more so than "excited."

2) This seems like a good way to get cats to attack you from behind.

3) Crepes aren't that exciting.

4) I want one.

KATU reported this morning that local firefighters spent six hours (!!!) rescuing a kitten trapped in the basement sewer pipes of a building on NE 118th and Sandy last night:

1) This is why people fetishize firefighters. 2) I find it pleasantly surprising that this warrants the time and resources of our city's emergency responders. 3) Don't you think the firefighters who worked so hard to rescue her deserve to have her bear the name of their truck?

So says legendary photographer Henri Cartier-Bresson:

The French photographer Henri Cartier-Bresson was a photojournalist for Life and other publications for over three decades. He is widely considered to be the master of street photography and the father of modern photojournalism.

Henri loved cats and was once quoted as saying "I'm an anarchist, yes. Because I'm alive. Life is a provocation.... I'm against people in power and what that imposes upon them. Anglo-Saxons have to learn what anarchism is. For them, it's violence. A cat knows what anarchy is. Ask a cat. A cat understands. They're against discipline and authority. A dog is trained to obey. Cats can't be. Cats bring on chaos."

"They will be pushing carts, riding skateboards, rolling barrels, ringing bells, turning on lights, walking tight ropes, jumping through hoops, and much more!" Their house band is called the RockCats!

The show opens Wednesday—I have tickets for opening night, no big deal—and runs through August 14, out at the Headwaters Theatre on Northeast Farragut. Tickets are $20 and you can find them, and more info about the show, here.

Housing justice activist Cameron Whitten spent the morning making conversation with all sorts of people who turned up at city hall to discuss the just-announced end of his 55-day hunger strike. But Whitten had a friend to keep him company throughout: A giant fuzzy cat he's named Hungry.

• Cameron and Cat

"A homeless girl kind of dumped her on me," says Whitten.

The cat has been living at city hall with Whitten and the other protesters for about a month, since day 20 of the hunger strike. The adorable creature loves rolling around in the organic kale beds that surround city hall's Liberty Bell replica.

More shamelessly cute photos below the cut.

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What follows is a video featuring a Dutch man who stuffed his deceased cat Orville (named for Orville Wright), and then turned the dead animal into a working helicopter. I'm not too sure why you'd need more information than that... but if so, here you go.