Cat videos are so completely, totally 2008. The new wave is viral videos of extremely attractive French kids who have Vimeo empires created by their doting parents. Capucine is the starlet of this scene, a precocious little French girl with gigantic eyelashes whose videos have become so popular that she's using her fame to fund a children's library in Mongolia. Here's one of her earlier films, entitled "Too Much Candy":

Word to Muntedkowhai.

Sleep tight… IF YOU CAN!!

Blogtown Reader Ben's cat Kimsey "totally took a shower with prince!" (I'm running low on cat photos, y'all. C'mon.)

I had no interest in ever, ever owning a cat until I saw this ad—which makes me kind of want one, provided it's human-sized and knows ninjitsu and will drive me around in a Toyota Corolla.

Via FilmDrunk.

Do it in the comments section! Extra points if your caption includes something about leftovers or shopping!

Sometimes it's good to just absorb the strange with a smile. Settle down, take a big whiff, all the while realizing the world--and by extension, the things that trouble you--is just no big deal. Take, for example, this list of the world's richest pets. That there's a dog worth some £90 million is just too much to process during this time of economic upheaval (or it might just make you weep).

The real-life Spuds McKenzie, Gunther IV (pictured above), isn't even the original heir to the money--the old German broad never knew him, as she left it to Gunther III. Who knows if IV is even worthy? Make he's a stuck up, do-nothing prick who spends all his times and money at trendy Hollywood club fucking gold-digging strumpets and wearing pointy white Italian loafers. The fucking dog bought one of Madonna's old houses and even has his own website (check the photo gallery for sure). From Gunther's website:

Another element which the experts believe is necessary in order to raise the quality of a dog's life is for the dog to live without a specific "owner." Rather, the animal should live together with young euphoric people. These youngsters should be as dynamic, joyful and clever as possible. The experts contend that the company of young, joyful and sexually very active people operates to increase the drive, mood, alertness and other cerebral processes of the dog which in turn generates its happiness and, ultimately, better psychological health. Additionally, the company of these youngsters "pleases" the dog and brings him to fulfillment.

So basically Gunther is like the rich old dude with a broke dick and box of blow and a pool who likes the kids to come over and fuck. (Oh my God, you think Gunther and a real girl ever.. oh never mind...)

As much as I hate Gunther IV right now (OK, so the smiling at the absurd thing didn't really work), it's hard not to love #3 on the richest pets list, Kalu the chimpanzee. How can you not be down with a rich monkey? Banana daiquiris for all!

Perhaps the strangest part of all this is the teams of legal assholes who spend their entire adult lives tending to these pets and trying to syphon money out of the funds. Can you imagine? What a sad existence--less worthwhile than the pets! Choke on the kibbles, dick-pigs!

For the entire list of richest pests, I mean pets, click here. And yes, there are kitties too.

Even cuter than Cat Friday?! Dare I say it?

Whatever your attitude towards fur, if you have any you need to unload, I can't think of a better use than the Humane Society's Coats for Cubs drive, which kicks off this Saturday and and runs for a week, through the 22nd. Anytime between those dates, bring by your real fur or shearling clothing (including trim) and accessories to any Buffalo Exchange store, and they'll use it as comforting bedding for orphaned and injured wildlife like these little cutie patooties.

(That's Blogtown reader Suzannah's cat Neptune, posing with Chairman Mao. Feel free to send me your cat pictures if you want to see 'em up here.)

Here's your rather disturbing cat news of the day:

Man apparently killed for killing cat

And while we're on the subject (of cats, not killings): My roommate recently got a new cat, an adorable-but-horrible little thing we'll call "Nermal," even though her name is Luca. My cat Queequeg rightfully despises Nermal, and has been spending less and less time at home since the new cat arrived. I have suspected for a while that he might have another family, because sometimes when he comes home he smells different--like one of those synthetic air fresheners. Sounds crazy, right? I know it does, because when I tried to tell my friends this they either made cat lady jokes or quickly changed the subject.

BUT. Queequeg came home a few days ago with a bite wound on his neck for which he had clearly received medical treatment. Someone else is caring for my cat, and it's kind of weirding me out. I mean, it's nice that he's found a new safe space since he obviously doesn't feel comfortable at home, but what if they try to catnap him? What if he has a new sex bear?
What if the family who's caring for him has a little crippled boy who's bedridden from the consumption, and I try to reclaim Queequeg and the parents are all, "That cat is the only thing that makes little Billy smile anymore"? And little Billy is like, "Cough cough... Please, mum, I do so love this cat...."?

I should note that while Q has a microchip, he rarely tolerates a collar for more than a few days at a time (and right now he does have a wound on his neck so putting even a short-term collar on him is not an option). I'm not sure what if anything to do about this--if anyone has any suggestions (either about resolving the kitty territory issues at home, making sure my cat doesn't get catnapped, or shutting down little consumptive boys) I would love to hear them.

Normally Alison is in charge of the Mercury's "Cat Beat." However, I know if I passed this video on to her, there's no way in a billion years she'd post it. IT'S THAT DISTURBING.

Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to the TWISTY CATS. Cats that have been bred to have inverted elbows -- on the flip-side, even though they walk around on floppy stumps, they're still ADORABLE. So there's that.

Anyway, this video (originally shown on Animal Planet's Weird, True and Freaky) is going to freak your shit out -- SO BE WARNED. And don't kill the messenger. I didn't breed the cats to look like this. And besides, isn't taking care of this sort of problem Barack Obama's job?

Oh, why not.

"It is my first time raising a cat, so I want to give her all my love..."

(Thanks, Mark! I think.)

I'VE GOT NOTHING.

I was going to blog this, until a coworker coldly informed me that "desperation blogging is not good blogging."

I can't do this alone. Please direct cat-related adorableosity to ahallett@portlandmercury.com for Cat Friday consideration. Thank you.

Alison is on vacation this week, and I usually IM her these things... BUT! There's nothing that gets a weekend started off right like four minutes of a kitten slapping the shit out of an electric toothbrush. (Just when you think it's not funny anymore... it just gets funnier!)

Apparently Sarah Palin hates cats!

She is officially dead to me.

What day is it? Hrm...

Speed Dating is "Not Just for Humans," according to the Oregon Humane Society. (Online dating still is, right?)

Men and women looking for loving, caring relationships are invited to the world's first-ever speed dating event for ... cats! There will be wine and hors d'oeuvres served at the Sept. 30 event, with human guests spending five minutes each with 10 to 15 different cats over the course of the evening.

OHS, which has over 100 cats available for adoptions, will select feline dating candidates who vary in personality, age, and breed to insure there is a perfect match for all guests. Guests will receive care packages with the adoption of any cat during the event.

And unlike traditional speed dating events--there are no worries here. All OHS cats are spayed/neutered and vaccinated. They come with a microchip ID tag, one month of health insurance, and much more. OHS interpersonal relationship experts (otherwise known as adoption counselors) will be on hand to make sure the speed dating experience is a happy one.

It all happens on Tuesday, Sept. 30, from 5 - 8 pm at OHS, 1067 NE Columbia Blvd., Portland, OR 97211.

This sounds incredibly fun. Way more fun any dates with actual people I've had recently.