Here's part one. Here's part two.

• This is Hugh Glass before.

This is my favorite bear attack story of all time. Hugh Glass was a hella grizzled frontiersman—"a sailor, a reluctant pirate with Jean Lafitte, and an honorary Pawnee"—whose hella-grizzledness helped him survive the most badass ordeal in the history of asses:

Near the forks of the Grand River in present-day Perkins County, in August 1823, while scouting alone for game for the expedition's larder, Glass surprised a Grizzly mother bear with her two cubs. Before he could fire his rifle, the bear charged, picked him up, and threw him to the ground. Glass got up, grappled for his knife, and fought back, stabbing the animal repeatedly as the grizzly raked him time and again with her claws.

Despite his injuries, Glass regained consciousness. He did so only to find himself abandoned, without weapons or equipment, suffering from a broken leg, the cuts on his back exposing bare ribs, and all his wounds festering. Glass lay mutilated and alone, more than 200 mi (320 km) from the nearest settlement at Fort Kiowa on the Missouri.

• And this is Hugh Glass AFTER.

In one of the more remarkable treks known to history, Glass set his own leg, wrapped himself in the bear hide his companions had placed over him as a shroud, and began crawling. To prevent gangrene, Glass laid his wounded back on a rotting log and let the maggots eat the dead flesh.

Deciding that following the Grand River would be too dangerous because of hostile Native Americans, Glass crawled overland south toward the Cheyenne River. It took him six weeks to reach it.

Glass survived mostly on wild berries and roots. On one occasion he was able to drive two wolves from a downed bison calf, and feast on the meat. Reaching the Cheyenne, he fashioned a crude raft and floated down the river, navigating using the prominent Thunder Butte landmark. Aided by friendly natives who sewed a bear hide to his back to cover the exposed wounds, Glass eventually reached the safety of Fort Kiowa.

That's all. No biggie.

Sarah McLachlan speaks out, soulfully, about internet cruelty to animals.

Bless you, writer/producer/director Crystal Delahanty.

(Also, the pug in the toilet totally wins.)

(Continued from this morning.)

• "I just..wanted...some COOOOOOOORN!!!"

PART II: KESAGAKE

Now, Old Two Toes was a frightening bear, there can be no doubt. But just one year before he devoured Frank Welch, 61, and subsequently lost his life in the high forests of Wyoming, an even more fearsome beast was chomping humans on the other side of the world. His name was Kesagake.

Back in 1915, you see, before every inch of Japan was covered in electric lobsters and time-traveling phone booths and bearproof karaoke pods, they still had things like snow and villages and bears. And in one such snowy village, some very bad shit went down. Kesagake, the bear, awoke early from his hibernation. Fuck! He was sooo hungry! He went to the cottage of the Otu family, looking for delicious corn. Instead, he found a delicious lady and a baby, so he ate them.

The villagers formed an armed guard to find Kesagake and exact revenge. Kesagake fled into the woods, leading all the guardsmen on a mad chase down what they thought was his bear trail. But then Kesagake was all, "PSYCH, BITCHEZ!" and doubled back to the Miyoke house, where everyone else was hiding. THEN HE ATE THEM.

Yayo, Miyoke YasutarÅ's wife, was preparing a late repast while carrying her fourth son, Umekichi, on her back. She heard a rumbling noise outside, but before she could investigate the bear broke through a window and entered the house. The cook pot on the hearth was overturned, dousing the flames, and in the ensuing panic the oil lamp was put out as well, plunging the house into darkness. Yayo tried to flee the house, but her second son, YÅ«jirÅ, clung to her legs, tripping her as she ran. The bear attacked her and bit the child Umekichi, whom she was carrying.

Odo had remained at the house as the only bodyguard. When he ran for the door, the bear released the mother and child to pursue him. Yayo then escaped with her children. Odo attempted to hide behind furniture, but was clawed in the back. The bear then mauled KinzÅ, the third son of the Miyoke family, and Haruyoshi, the fourth son of the Saito family, killing them, and bit Iwao, third son of SaitÅ family. Next to be targeted was Take, SaitÅ IshigorÅ's pregnant wife. As the animal advanced she pled for her life and that of her unborn child, but it was in vain. She too was attacked, killed, and partially eaten.

WHAAAAAT THAAAAA FAAAAACK!?

• "I thought I was about to get laid and eat some delicious peanut butter, but instead all I found was a mouthful of nylon and this weird plastic monkey. Thanks for the bait and switch, science dick."

The other night, on the cable television (which is mine as of three weeks ago! Three magical weeks!), I took a break from Degrassi: The Next Generation (one can only go there for so many consecutive hours) to watch a Discovery Channel program entitled Bear Feeding Frenzy. Bear Feeding Frenzy is about a man who, for the purposes of science, fashions a tent out of smoked salmon, dunks it in sexy she-bear urine, puts a peanut-butter-smeared humannequin inside, then leaves the whole thing in the middle of a heavily populated bear sanctuary, thus irrefutably proving that bears have an insatiable appetite for human flesh. It's science! As the bears devour the tent, the man sits several feet away in a small plastic cube (or, as it's known in science, PREDATOR SHIELD™), yelling things like, "BOY, BEARS SURE DO WANT TO EAT HUMAN FLESH," and "THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HERE IS THROUGH A GRIZZLY'S COLON!" and "IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE PREDATOR SHIELD™ AND THE FACT THAT I AM NOT MADE OF PEANUT BUTTER AND FISH INNARDS, THESE BEARS WOULD WASTE NO TIME IN GOBBLING ME FOR SURE." He also discovers that bears, unlike himself, do not enjoy trail mix.

That whole experience led me to hunger for real knowledge about bear attacks (is my family safe!!!??!?!?!?!?!), which led me to the life-changing Wikipedia page List of fatal bear attacks in North America (by decade). Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhhh. Make your way to this page posthaste. (IF YOU ARE NOT A COWARD AND/OR MADE OF FISH INNARDS!)

It is a sad place, and horrific, and fascinating.

As far as I can discern, contrary to what Bear Feeding Frenzy would have me believe, a bear will only eat you if: 1. You get too close to its baybay, 2. You get too close to its moose carcass, 3. You keep it in a concrete pen and throw dog food at it. Do not do these things, and you will not experience the sinking feeling that comes with a bear's hot mouth closing on your face.

(Stand by later today for Part II: Kesagake!)

We're running a piece on 24-Hour Comics Day in next week's paper—here's an image we weren't able to use, drawn by local cartoonist David Chelsea in a previous year's challenge.

• David Chelsea

Via ZooBorns, my favorite place on the whole internet.

:(

Via.

Do you like whimsical bathroom accessories? Do you erupt into gales of laughter at the sight of a drowning feline? Then you will LOVE "Tinkles the Toilet Cat!"

From Collections Etc.:

Listen for shrieks from the bathroom when your guests open the toilet lid to find ­a soaking wet cat! This black and white cat looks none too happy about falling into the toilet! Attaches to the underside of the toilet seat rim with suction cups included. Plastic. This item is not a toy.

Even better? Tinkles is on sale right now for the low, low price of only $8.95! (For even more fun, replace Tinkles with a real cat, and watch your guests scream with glee as he lacerates their testicles.)

Man blames cat for downloaded child pornography

Keith R. Griffin... was charged Wednesday with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 child pornographic images on his computer, according to a news release.

Griffin told detectives he would leave his computer on and his cat would jump on the keyboard.

When he returned, there would be strange material downloaded, the release states.

Dear Guy in the Ice Cream Truck that Stops at Our Office Every Day:
As you may have noticed I did not come crashing out of our office door today to buy an Orange Dream ice cream bar, or Choco Taco. That is because I was upstairs in our production department trying to work our BLEEPING STUPID EPSILON SCANNER WHICH IS A BLEEPING PIECE OF BLEEPING BLEEP. Our production department is in the rear of the building which means I couldn't hear the harmonious tones of "Turkey in the Straw" coming up the street, and therefore I guess I apparently missed my chance.
NOW I'M NOT MAD AT YOU. But here's something you need to understand: I have kind of a PRESSURE FILLED JOB, mmm-kay? And it's kind of best for EVERYBODY if I receive, on a daily basis, the ice cream treat that keeps me from picking up that BLEEPING PIECE OF BLEEP EPSILON SCANNER AND STICKING MY FOOT UP ITS BLEEP!
So in the interest of our employees' morale and preservation of office equipment, I would really, really, really, REALLY appreciate it if, in the future, you take a moment to ask someone why I'm not there. I could be dead for all you know, and unfortunately, you would probably be the only person around here who would care enough to ask.
So to reiterate, if I'm not waiting for you on the curb with money in hand when you drive up, please ask someone where I am. If they don't know, dial 9-1-1 immediately.
Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter,
Wm. Steven Humphrey

p.s. Bring me a Choco Taco now.

p.p.s. Here is a video of a shark eating an ice cream.

p.p.p.s I had a video of a cat eating an ice cream, but this one is better.

UPDATE!!! p.p.p.p.s Wanna do something funny? Grab your laptop, run outside and play the following mp3 right next to your co-workers window. They'll come busting out the door, and then be horribly disappointed when there's no ice cream!! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Sniff. I hate everyone.)

1. I have a subscription to Cat Fancy. (It was a gift.)

2. Last night at the bar, I said, "Does it smell like cat pee out here? Is it me?" and my friend said, "Let's face it: It's probably you."

Via.

In a little over a month I'll be back in our beloved city of Portland, Oregon and far, far away from the hills and burritos and super duper gayness of San Francisco, California. While I will miss these things very, very much I am extremely happy to be coming home. I imagine Odysseus felt exactly like this after sailing across the treacherous icy waters of the ancient Aegean Lakes into his home port of Odysseusland after killing the fire dragons, crossing the Bridge to Terabithia, destroying the Death Star and finally *triumphantly* forgetting Sarah Marshall. Or what have you.

In honor of my return and because I never effing blogged ONE TIME about San Francisco I give you Swoops the Attack Bird.

Swoops and Swoops' babies live in a shrubbery downtown near the corner of California and Front Streets. Swoops attacks anything which comes near the family shrub with a patented (okay probably not patented but it damn well should be) dive bombing technique. Swoops' reign of terror has been covered by CNN and the HuffPo and, as this particular blogger describes, the little blackbird "is pissed".

Clearly, Portland needs some kind of adorably dangerous downtown animal. Suggestions most welcome in the comments.

Hi, I'm Will Radik, and I'll be your new intern for today! Working at the Merc is great, yo. Fo' realz, shizzle. There's a Batman mug and a dry-erase board. I ain't gotta pay no taxes on this shit, cause I ain't gettin' paid, son! It's better than getting dry-humped on a Gravitron!

I'd tell you a little about myself, but, if you don't already know who I am, you're probably sooooo out of the loop that you're just not worth my time. I mean, Melissa Lion blogged about me, for heaven's sake! I should be getting so many free steaks and blowjobs that I simply can't walk anywhere, because I'm just tripping over piles of meat, into puddles of bodily fluid.

Anyway, today is cat Friday, right? Or it's biscuit Friday? I forget. Who cares? It's not like anyone ever criticizes new interns on here. Have both, and a hot mom who raps, while she magically transforms coins into food:

Wait a minute. Did she say, "orgy?"

What follows is a conversation I'm 100% sure I'll be having with my future child. A dad RIGHTLY berates his teen son for crying like a goddamn baby and then posting it on the internet.
That alone would make the following video hilarious enough… but with the addition of Keyboard Cat? This is the most priceless thing you'll see all day.