Every year the Mercury has a charity auction where we auction off things donated by businesses or sometimes famous people, and give all the moolah to charity. And while I don't know this from experience (as it is my first year working here), apparently the Mercury also auctions off something called a "Girl Date" where the winner of said date gets an evening of entertainment hosted by all the Mercury's foxy/fine female employees (including interns and freelancers)! Lucky guy, amiright?! (I've heard from some of the ladies that these nights either end up pretty epic or pretty lame. For privacy reasons that's all the information I will give you about years past. So please shut up about it.)

Back to the present. This year we decided to start our night at Smashputt where we met Evan, winner of the date, consultant for Nike, comic designer, and soon to be left-leaning Zine writer. Needless to say we had a lot to talk to him about. After Smashputt, we traveled to Chopsticks II where we danced, sang and drank lemon drops. (IT WAS A GIRL DATE, DAMMIT!?!!?) I feel as though a great time was had by all. And an earlier email from Evan confirms it!

Wow. That was awesome! I had a blast, and really appreciate everyone being so great!

So who's gonna bid next year?! It will, quite possibly be the time of your life.

P.S. Yesterday Arts Editor Alison Hallett tweeted this which is Evan's comic webpage. Check out one of his awesome comics after the jump...

Continue reading »

WOOHOO!! Pencils down, everyone! Another simply smashing Mercury Online Charity Auction has come to a close, and you know who made it super great?

Mercury readers are simply the most awesomest people in the world, and you've proven it once again by giving generously from the bottom of your heart and paycheck to the Mercury Auction which benefits the Raphael House, who will use your heartfelt donations to keep helping those who have had their lives shattered by domestic violence.

Now it's time for us to get to work tallying up the final totals, which we will reveal (along with some of the top auction items) in this week's print version of the Mercury! So to all those who bid and won... CONGRATULATIONS! We'll be in touch to tell you how and when to pick up your winnings. And let's give a special round of applause to all the super generous businesses and individuals who made this year's charity auction so great. Be sure to patronize their businesses because people this generous deserve your support.

Once again, here's to YOU, Portland! You've once again proven you're the greatest goddamn town in the universe. Thanks for participating, and let's do it again next year!

Okay, people! LAST WARNING! The Mercury Online Charity Auction ends in ONE HOUR. So bid, Bid, BID! And remember, while snaking a package away from a competitor may be hilarious fun, let's not forget that the Raphael House desperately needs you to be generous so they can continue to offer the assistance that so many domestic violence survivors need! PLEASE BID BIG!

Here are two final auction items I want to bring to your attention!

Road House: The Play! (And Dinner: The Food!)
Road House: The Play was one of the most talked about events of the year, as a cast of Portland's finest comedians paid ruthless homage to Patrick Swayze's cult film. Don't let it pass you by again: This package includes two tickets to the Thursday, May 12, performance, plus two official T-shirts. Strap on the feedbag before (or after!) the show with a $25 gift certificate to Le Bistro Montage (301 SE Morrison), Portland's favorite source for alligator po' boys and wacky mac ('n' cheese).

Get Your Portrait Painted By Scrappers, The Mercury's Own Art Director!
Yep, that's right, not only is he brilliant at designing and curating our eclectic covers (and basically keeping our paper from looking like complete shit), our art director, Scrappers, is also a prolific and badass painter. And what better way to continue your egotistical streak than to have him paint your portrait? Annnddd bonus! Scrappers paints exclusively on salvaged wood and uses house paint in order to keep his pieces eco friendly!

Last chance, people! THERE'S ONLY ONE HOUR LEFT! BID NOW, OR LOSE THE ITEM OF YOUR CHOICE FOREVER!

It's crunch time, people! And with only TWO HOURS left in this year's Mercury Online Charity Auction, you have to really start watching that item you've bid on and fallen in love with! Otherwise... ZOINK! Some auction predator whose been lying in wait is gonna snake it right out from under ya!
Even for the casual auction observer, this is a great time to start watching battles erupt. (And don't forget it's all for a fantastic cause, the Raphael House, which assists the survivors of domestic violence.)

Check out some the hot auctions that are gonna get a lot hotter!

Portugal. The Man promises to play your party if you win this auction, and currently there are 33 bids jockeying for position! BID NOW.

Those Custom Pet Portraits by Ryan Berkley are friggin' HILARIOUS and adorable. No wonder there's already more than 30 bids! BID NOW.

People love the Laurelhurst Theater which is why a movie war is currently blazing over "A Year's Worth of Movie Tickets." BID NOW.

Why is "A Glowing Review in the Mercury" so very, very hot right now? Either because somebody needs some good publicity bad, or someone actually thinks our opinion on anything matters! (I'm sure it's the former.) BID NOW.

Ain't no war like a nerd bidding war, cuz a nerd bidding war don't stooooop! Check out this auction that gives the winner a walk on role (where he/she also gets killed) in this coming summer's super popular edition of Trek in the Park! BID NOW.

Last year's "Play Hooky with the Mercury Boys" package was wicked fun that included go-kart races, tons of booze and sandwiches, wiffle ball, and more! This year is gonna be even more sick, which is why a bidding war is a'brewin'! BID NOW.

WANT TO JUMP IN THE FRAY? HURRY YOUR ASS UP, AND START BIDDING! YOU ONLY HAVE TWO HOURS!!

GUYS! It's make it or break it time for the Mercury Online Charity Auction because all bidding will come to an end at noon tomorrow (Saturday)! Please open your hearts and wallets because all the proceeds from this year's auction goes to the highly deserving Raphael House—assisting the survivors of domestic violence. Read much more about it here!

BUT THIS IS WHAT GETS MY GOAT! There's still a poop ton of fantastic packages going for FAR BELOW their market value. I know everybody wants a deal... but think of all the people you can help by being just a little more generous! Check out these sweet deals that are currently flying WAY under the radar:

WELLNESS PACKAGE: An initial chiropractic exam, a monthly treatment, plus a monthly massage for 12 months! Plus an acupuncture balancing treatment, and a basic massage class, and it's currently only going for $152.50?!? YO, THAT SHIT'S WORTH $1187 BONES!! BID NOW!

IT'S ONLY ROCK N ROLL, BUT I LIKE IT: Legal consultation from an entertainment lawyer, 20 hours of studio recording time, AND $50 worth of sweet threads? That's worth well over $800, and it's currently at just over $200! BID NOW!

COMIC BOOK CHAOS!: Where my comic nerds at? This is a crazy expensive and sweet collection of fantastic comics and graphic novels worth over $500, and is currently holding strong at... oh, c'mon...$152.50? BOOO. BID NOW!

HELL COMES TO YOUR HOUSE: The fantastic and hilariously talented Karaoke from Hell plays a party at your house—a gig for which they usually receive $2500 at the least—and you only want to pay $201? DON'T INSULT ME (or them)!! BID NOW!

IT'S YOUR PARTY! (PLUS 74 OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS): So basically you get event space, event planning, free beer and video services for what will surely be the party of the century—yet for all of this the current bid is only $355? IT'S WORTH $1300, GUYS. BID NOW!

And what about those five GRAIN INTEGRATIVE HEALTH packages? That's a crazy amount of health related services worth at least $450 each, and a few still have bids as low as $31 bucks! BID NOW!

AND FINALLY… What the eff is going on with the YOU DESIGN THE MERCURY COVER package this year? It's THE MERCURY COVER, people! It will be seen in every corner of the city for at least a week, and live on in infamy on the internet! Though invaluable, if we were to ever sell it, it would go for at LEAST $5,000! And it's currently only going for $122.50? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! NO FUCKING WAY. I swear to Christ, if this doesn't bump up to a decent amount soon, I'll buy it myself and put a big picture of Justin Bieber on the cover with the text, "That's What Ya Get for Being Cheap, Dickheads!" BID NOW!

Plus tons more! There's something just waiting for you or a loved one in the Mercury Online Charity Auction, ENDING TOMORROW AT NOON! Please, bid generously!

As you all know, our annual charity auction is currently online. There are tons of incredible items available for bidding, with all proceeds benefiting the kind souls at the nonprofit Raphael House, a place that provides shelter and solace for survivors of domestic violence and their families. But with hundreds of varied items in the auction, things can get a little confusing. So, each day, Blogtown will be highlighting different auction prizes.

Hello, internet. I come to you today with a very serious question. Would you or a loved one like to own a high-quality archival print of one 2010's most popular memes? Artist Andrew Zukbo has generously donated a 9 3/4 x 13 1/2 print of his now-famous Mercury cover—and the current bid is only $26! For a piece of Blogtown history? That is crazy cheap! BID! NOW!

ALSO! The Roller Derby packages Steve blogged about yesterday are now LIVE! Get on 'em!

As you all know, our annual charity auction is currently online. There are tons of incredible items available for bidding, with all proceeds benefiting the kind souls at the nonprofit Raphael House, a place that provides shelter and solace for survivors of domestic violence and their families. But with hundreds of varied items in the auction, things can get a little confusing. So, each day, Blogtown will be highlighting different auction prizes.

DOH! For reasons unknown (but probably because we am dumb), two awesome packages donated by the Rose City Rollers didn't find their way into our auction this year. BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE! We added them today, and both are just itchin' to be bid upon! CHECK IT OUT, BIZNATCH!

ROSE CITY ROLLERS #1: THE SUPER FAN!
Oh boy, you're about to cement your super fan status with this Rose City Rollers package. You get a pair of 2011 general admission season passes, a couple of derby T-shirts, and private lessons. You're about to go from derby enthusiast to down-and-dirty diehard fan! APPROXIMATE VALUE: $400

CURRENTLY ONLY $1.99?!?

ROSE CITY ROLLERS #2: KICK OFF THE SEASON IN STYLE!
Round up the gang, 'cause it's gonna be a party for the Rose City Rollers opening bout. Get VIP Admission for 10 peeps, which includes two beers apiece for adults in your party. Don't know the difference between jammers and blockers? No prob! Two roller girls will be on hand to give your party the inside poop on the game, while the announcers give you a special VIP shout out!

CURRENTLY ONLY $1.99?!?

Less than FOUR DAYS remain in the auction! Go!! Fight!! BID.

UPDATE!! Jumped the gun a bit! Due to eBay scheduling, the bidding on these Rose City Rollers packages will start at noon tomorrow (Wednesday). Until then, BID ON THIS!!

You may have noticed the dancing weirdos across the top of your Blogtown screen as the signal that our annual Charity Auction is underway—every dime you spend on the auction items goes to Raphael House, Oregon'a largest domestic violence shelter.

And somehow the bidding for the package including a full-body Yeti suit has only reached $51. This suit is amazing! It could be a snow Yeti, or an abominable snowman, or a white gorilla. Three in one! Think of all you could do with a full body hairy Yeti suit! You'd never stop terrorizing the town. Plus, it comes with four pairs of bunny slippers and three super cute, handmade animal hats.

• Not included in the package: Me looking stoned.

Get ready for a big dose of adorable with three custom-made animal hats from Raucous Goods—it's like wearing a cuddly raccoon on your head, but without the rabies; four pairs of bunny slippers (from bunnyslippers.com) to keep your whole family's feet toasty; and a cuddly stuffed elephant pal from Stuffed Pals. The final item in this auction needs no description, for it is simply the greatest thing in the history of ever: a luxurious adult-sized white gorilla/yeti/Abominable Snowman costume, courtesy of the Lippman Co. (50 SE Yamhill). APPROXIMATE VALUE: $385

As you all know, our annual charity auction is currently online. There are tons of incredible items available for bidding, with all proceeds benefiting the kind souls at the nonprofit Raphael House, a place that provides shelter and solace for victims of domestic violence and their families. But with hundreds of varied items in the auction, things can get a little confusing. So, each day, Blogtown will be highlighting different auction prizes.

Auction Item: Build a Coop With the Mayor
A well-known fact: Mayor Sam Adams is a chicken-raising fiend who rarely passes up a chance to talk about his hobby—or show off his garden. A slightly less-known fact, according to sources in his office: He's apparently incredibly handy, having personally crafted his backyard chicken coop. And he's willing to spend an afternoon with some lucky schlub showing off both his skills and his craftmanship. Salvage Works, near the mayor's home in Kenton, is donating a kickass chicken coop kit (plus its standard offer of a lifetime supply of coop bedding) and a gift certificate.
Current bid: $123.50

Auction Item: Who You Callin' Chicken?
Okay, so maybe you're not ready to commit to a life of collecting chicken poop that you can then sprinkle over your garden, magically producing robust, non-poopy vegetables. Start off with this smaller package and learn a little bit more before making the leap. The Urban Farm Store is offering a $25 gift certificate to whet your whistle—and it's also offering a signed copy of its chicken-raising manual, A Chicken in Every Yard, plus a full-on workshop.
Current bid: $15.50

• This is exactly what it will look like when Langhorne Slim plays your child's 6th birthday party. This is so much better than a party clown and a Fudgie the Whale cake.

As you all know, our annual charity auction is currently online. There are just tons of incredible items available for bidding, with all proceeds benefitting the kind souls of the nonprofit Raphael House. Considering that there are hundreds of varied items in the auction things can get a little confusing, so each day Blogtown will be highlighting a different auction prize.

Auction Item: Langhorne Slim Plays Your Party
I first saw Langhorne Slim absolutely killing it on the Late Show with David Letterman. SInce then, I've seen the enigmatic singer plenty more times, from a sold-out Crystal Ballroom, to a stunning performance in the woods at this year's Pickathon. The only thing better than Langhorne recently relocating to Portland is the man's generosity, as he has agreed to play your party. That means it could be a basement rager, outdoor BBQ, wedding, box social... whatever. You book it, Langhorne and his band will play it*.
Current bid: $31? Oh come on, you can do better than that.

Auction Item: Portugal. The Man Plays Your Party
Portugal. the Man traveled a different path than Langhorne Slim, relocating here from Wasilla, Alaska (don't worry, they hate her more than you do) and starting out small back in the all-ages Meow Meow days. But after a slew of releases, each better than the last, the band is now H-U-G-E the world over. Like Langhorne they are also very kind, volunteering to play your event*, whether it be a private living room show, bachelorette party, briss, or grandma's wake.
Current bid: $225

* As long as the show is approved by management and works within each artist's respective schedules. See each item for the additional, yet reasonable, small print.

WHOOPEE! It's time once again to empty out those pockets for a great cause. It's the Mercury Online Charity Auction, and it's LIVE. Like, NOW!

In case you've forgotten, here's how it works:
• CLICK HERE to bone up on all the majorly awesome gift packages that would be perfect for you or a loved one.
• Say to yourself, "Dude. I'm totes gonna bid on that." Click the "Bid Now!" button which will take you to that item's eBay page.
• Say to yourself, "Yay, I'm awesome because my money (and all the proceeds from the Mercury Online Charity Auction) will be going to Raphael House, to support the survivors of domestic violence in Oregon!"
• Then say to yourself, "Oh crap. I need to check back often because someone might outbid me. NOBODY OUTBIDS ME!! NOBODY!!!"
• Keep bidding and bidding and bidding until 4 pm on Friday, December 10th Saturday, December 11 at noon when the Mercury Online Charity Auction ends! And don't worry, you'll have plenty of time to pick up that gift before the Xmas rush!

So what are you waiting for! GO NOW! Go now and start bidding in the funnest auction ever, The Mercury Online Charity Auction! RAH!!!

As I'm sure you all remember from the relentless blogging we did a few months ago, Outside In was the beneficiary of the Mercury's 2009 Charity Auction. Outside In just sent over a sweet video to thank us for our donation—and since the success of the auction was entirely thanks to all the readers who bid so generously, ultimately raising over $23,000... Well, it seemed right that we pass it along:

Thanks for the video, Outside In! Thanks for supporting the auction, Mercury readers! Thanks for the kitty haiku, brown-haired chick who works at Outside In!

• It's a cat! That is also a poet! You can tell because he is smoking a cigarette!

And… THAT'S IT! Another exciting end to another Mercury Online Charity Auction, and even though we're suffering through a crappy economy, generous bidders LIKE YOU have turned this year's auction into another record breaker! At first glance, Mercury readers have cleared over $23,000 for our charity of choice OUTSIDE IN! (We'll announce the final tally in next week's paper!) But until then, from all of us here at the Mercury, we'd like to say a hearty THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts. You're the BEST!

• Photo: Tim Gunther
• A visual interpretation of how you make us feel.

BID! BID NOW!!

BID! BID NOW!!

I'd just like to point out to the internet that the Mercury girl date package is only at $127.50 right now. We are actually going for less than the boy date. This is historically unprecedented, not to mention distinctly humiliating, and it occurs to me that the language of the auction item might be a problem. I, for one, do not want to hang out with a group of girls who threaten to get drunk and "tell a few too many truths." That sounds fucking terrible. Plus, in our eBay listings we had to be somewhat judicious with the words "date" and "get wasted," which might have led to this item sounding less fun than it actually is. (Do I sound desperate right now? I feel a little desperate.) So allow me to rephrase it: "Win a date with the Mercury girls! Get wasted—drinks on us!" Is that a little bit better? No intimate confessions, I promise—just rowdy drinking, plus karaoke or dancing or pool or whatever bar-based activity gets you excited (hand jobs not included, but not NOT included, if you know what I mean). Buy us here.

Oh, Comic Book Nerd! is, in my totally unbiased opinion, one of the best packages in our auction—and it's only going for about $200 right now (it's worth at least two times that—maybe three). It's an incredibly generous and diverse package, donated by publishers and local comic book shops, that would make a really great gift for someone who's interested in comics but not quite sure where to start. Let's take a look at what's included:

•A year on Oni Press' comp list. That means you'll receive a copy of every single book Oni releases next year. I'm on the list, and it's great—I end up reading things I probably never would've picked up otherwise (James Stokoe's Won Ton Soup, for example, a culinary cowboy space opera full of inventive food writing—chefs using alien life forms as ingredients!).

•An absolutely killer package from Seattle publisher Fantagraphics. Killer? Killer. There's Heartbreak Soup by Gilbert Hernandez, and Maggie the Mechanic by his brother Jamie Hernandez; a Ghost World special edition hardcover by Daniel Clowes; a Palestine special edition hardcover by Joe Sacco (this book is effin' gorgeous); Buddy Does Seattle by Peter Bagge. As graphic novels go, these are just about as good as it gets.

•Hand-selected packages from both Floating World Comics and Bridge City Comics. Portland is incredibly lucky to have some amazing comic book stores, and two of my favorites each donated a stack of titles. Jason from Floating World picked out Watchmen, issue #15 of The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror (a really weird and cool issue featuring short strips by tons of indie talents), and more. Michael from Bridge City, meanwhile, put together an eclectic box that, as he put it, "is supposed to reflect the wide range of things we like at Bridge City Comics"—from superheroes to critical darlings like The Goon and Carla Speed McNeil.

•A hardcover collected edition of Jeff Lemire's Essex County, a trilogy about the hockey-loving inhabitants of a small town in Canada. It's a beautiful book, one of my favorite graphic novels in recent memory, courtesy of local publisher Top Shelf

•AND! A signed picture of Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, autographed by actress Katee Sackhoff, because... why not?

It's a really exceptional package. Bid now, please.

HOLY CRAP! The final push in this year's Mercury Online Charity Auction has begun, and oh boy, the bidding is currently fast and furious! THERE IS LESS THAN FIVE HOURS LEFT, so don't let this year's auction pass you by, because we have over 70 awesome packages to choose from, and you can pick up your gifts in plenty of time for Christmas!

Here are some great deals for you to bid on!

• HELLO MR. HOTTIE! Super cool clothes for you guys from such trusted names as No Star, Bridge and Burn, and Oh Snap! And the current price is a low, low $51!

• 24 Cases of Red Bull! Buy it for your business, next company party, or to send yourself into cardiac arrest! It's only $81!

• Be a Bishops Star! Get dolled up by an actual stylist and have your photo taken for the Bishops ad on the backpage of the Mercury! Voila, you're famous! And HOT. Currently only $78.01!

• A Guided Tour of Enchanted Forest for you and your family from the man who designed it, Oregon's famous Roger Tofte! Plus roller skating passes! That's a LOT of fun for currently only $152.50!

• A Glowing Feature about YOU in the Mercury! Our best writers will write a page feature about you, your pet, your grandma—whoever! Use it to propose to your soon-to-be fiance! The current price of $355 is a steal!

And don't forget this AMAZING SXSW PACKAGE easily worth $2000!

Folks, the good people who run OUTSIDE IN (helping homeless teens and disadvantaged adults) really need our help. And the Mercury Charity Auction is the perfect way to do that and have fun in the process!

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? THERE'S LESS THAN FIVE HOURS LEFT!

BID, DAMN YOU! BID!!!

WOOT NOW! The Mercury's Online Charity Auction is just shy of one day away from completion, and things are starting to really heat up! If you want one of the more than 70 awesome packages we've got lined up, THEN BID NOW, OR LOSE IT FOREVER. And please remember, all proceeds are going to help OUTSIDE IN keep helping homeless teens and disadvantaged adults in need.
AND WHAT'S THIS? Something new has been added to the "Feeling Artsy" package? So now, not only do you get pairs of tickets to the remaining Portland Arts and Lectures series, a gorgeous Nikki McClure autographed calendar, and a CD and tix for the Portland Gay Men's Chorus, you ALSO can now score two orchestra side tickets to Portland Opera's production of Mozart's Cosi Fan Tutte. (That's an added value of $119!) WHAAA? I was feeling artsy before, but now I'm having an arts-gasm! SNAP IT UP, YA'LL!

But that's not all! There's still plenty of sweet packages waiting for your generous bids! Such as…

• A walk-on role in the next Atomic Arts production of Star Trek in the Park in which you will get killed! (Theatrically, of course.) This is a super popular show, and you'll be the envy of... well... EVERYONE! And it's currently only $105.24!

• Sing your goddamn guts out with this Karaoke Party for 15 at Voicebox, that also includes private singing lessons! You are going to KILL! (Theatrically, of course.) And wow, it's only $127.50!

• And I have to make one more pitch for what is surely the funnest package in the auction: Play Hooky with the Mercury Boys! We'll call in sick for you, load everybody up in our distro van, and have a hilariously crazy and varied day of boy fun which may include bumper cars, B-B gun shootin', eatin' corn dogs outside 7-11, and so much more! And c'mon! It's only at $62? This is at LEAST $300 worth of fun!

PROCEEDS GO TO OUTSIDE IN! ALL BIDDING ENDS AT 5 PM TOMORROW! BID! BID! BID!!

You're throwing a party for a bunch of friends this year, yes? And will that party cost you more than $76? OF COURSE IT WILL! So why are you not bidding on one of the biggest steals of the Mercury Online Charity Auction, a package entitled "Hostess with the Mostess"? Not only will you get 24 delicious cupcakes from Cupcake Jones (along with a one-hour internship/baking class), you'll receive a tequila tasting (along with homemade margaritas) from Experience Tequila (worth 200 bones alone), and an adorable salt & pepper set from elsa + sam. The knowledge you'll gain alone is priceless, so don't let some cheapo snag this package away from you!

Here are a few more packages that are currently too hot to trot, and well within your budget!

• A private party for you and up to 30 people at the Night Light… and it's only currently going for $76?? That's INSANE!

• A private dance party for you and 40 of your friends in the 2nd floor lounge of the Fez… and it's only currently going for $86?? Equally INSANE!

• A bike messenger bag, bike overhaul, a bike breakfast, drinks with bike celebs, and a year's subscription to Zipcar? All this, and it's only going for $86?? It's… it's… INSANE!!

BIDDING ENDS THIS FRIDAY AT 5 PM!! ALL PROCEEDS GO TO OUTSIDE IN!! Do the right thing, and snag some awesome bargains along the way!

THE MERCURY ONLINE CHARITY AUCTION: BID NOW... RAH!!

You want a deal? HERE'S A DEAL. I can tell you from personal experience that getting a financial checkup from Charles Carroll with New Outlook Financial can CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Like you, I had a moderate amount of credit card debt, and with Charles' non-judgmental advice, I was debt free in less than a year. (Your results may vary, of course.) But Charles was also great about helping me move my investments around to green, sustainable companies that don't skin kittens for fur coats. And what's this? The Mercury Online Charity Auction is auctioning off FOUR HOURS of advice time with Charles that's currently only at $127.50? Did you know that four hours would normally go for over $1000? SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Get your financial shit in order once and for all with this great auction that's gonna go for a great price!

But that's not all! There are POOP TONS of great deals still left in the Mercury Online Charity Auction! Such as...

• Mountain biking madman (and Mercury publisher) Rob Crocker will take you and three friends on a mountain bike tour of Ape Canyon on beautiful Mount St. Helens, PLUS you get some sweet swag from Sellwood Cycle, PLUS a delicious picnic lunch from South Bank Kitchen... and this is currently only going for... $20.50?? Holy mother of christ, somebody's gonna walk off with a steal! (Will it be you?)

• Want some more financial advice? Buy this shooting script for Twilight, autographed by screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg (now only $61) and then resell it on Ebay to some desperate Twi-hard for a million bucks! Bing, bang, boom, you're out of debt.

• Look, I know why you're only bidding $26 for our "Hang Out with the Mercury Girls" package. Because it is CLEARLY not as fun as the "Play Hooky with the Mercury Boys" package, now going for $51. However, do me a solid and make a pity bid for the girls, okay? They're moping around the office, thinking they're ugly. Thanks!

AND DON'T FORGET! The Mercury Online Charity Auction ends this Friday, Dec 11 at 5 pm sharp, and all the proceeds go to benefit the fantabulous OUTSIDE IN who are doing marvelous work helping homeless teens help themselves!

So... GO! NOW! BID!!

Grab a stack of cash from Grandma's medicine fund—it's on her desk, next to the bowl of Werther's Original—and hit up our charity auction while the getting is good.

A guitar and a guitar lesson from a man who once out-shredded Stephen Colbert? Yes, both will be yours for a mere... $202.50. That is way too low. There are more important things in life than family, one of which is being able to play guitar like a freaking god. This is your chance at greatness, do not hesitate to put your Nana in the ground in order to win this package.

Also, don't miss these deals:
• Vinyl! A ton of it! Just look at this list of records in the "I Love Music" package. Plus, for some reason, you get a $50 gift certificate to Fire on the Mountain with the LPs. Let's be honest. When you spend this much on records, you are probably the type of person who eats wings every chance they get. Alone. Always, alone. Currently only $110!
• Hey bands, get your act together with this "Rock Band: The Real Thing" package that includes everything from a college radio campaign to legal advice from an actual lawyer. No more taking legal advice from the pony-tailed salesman at Guitar Center for you. Currently only $81!
• All proceeds help OUTSIDE IN assist homeless teens and disadvantaged adults.