This Week in the Mercury

The Best of Charlie Hales' Voicemails


The Best of Charlie Hales' Voicemails

Portland's Mayor Apparently Gave You All Plenty to Complain About This Year

I Love Television™


I Love Television™

The Year in "JUST SHUT UP"

Charity Auction

Friday, December 11, 2009

On the Charity Auction's Criminally Undervalued Comic Book Package.

Posted by Alison Hallett on Fri, Dec 11, 2009 at 2:16 PM

Oh, Comic Book Nerd! is, in my totally unbiased opinion, one of the best packages in our auction—and it's only going for about $200 right now (it's worth at least two times that—maybe three). It's an incredibly generous and diverse package, donated by publishers and local comic book shops, that would make a really great gift for someone who's interested in comics but not quite sure where to start. Let's take a look at what's included:

A year on Oni Press' comp list. That means you'll receive a copy of every single book Oni releases next year. I'm on the list, and it's great—I end up reading things I probably never would've picked up otherwise (James Stokoe's Won Ton Soup, for example, a culinary cowboy space opera full of inventive food writing—chefs using alien life forms as ingredients!).

•An absolutely killer package from Seattle publisher Fantagraphics. Killer? Killer. There's Heartbreak Soup by Gilbert Hernandez, and Maggie the Mechanic by his brother Jamie Hernandez; a Ghost World special edition hardcover by Daniel Clowes; a Palestine special edition hardcover by Joe Sacco (this book is effin' gorgeous); Buddy Does Seattle by Peter Bagge. As graphic novels go, these are just about as good as it gets.

Hand-selected packages from both Floating World Comics and Bridge City Comics. Portland is incredibly lucky to have some amazing comic book stores, and two of my favorites each donated a stack of titles. Jason from Floating World picked out Watchmen, issue #15 of The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror (a really weird and cool issue featuring short strips by tons of indie talents), and more. Michael from Bridge City, meanwhile, put together an eclectic box that, as he put it, "is supposed to reflect the wide range of things we like at Bridge City Comics"—from superheroes to critical darlings like The Goon and Carla Speed McNeil.

A hardcover collected edition of Jeff Lemire's Essex County, a trilogy about the hockey-loving inhabitants of a small town in Canada. It's a beautiful book, one of my favorite graphic novels in recent memory, courtesy of local publisher Top Shelf

AND! A signed picture of Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, autographed by actress Katee Sackhoff, because... why not?

It's a really exceptional package. Bid now, please.


House Spirits: Bazaar, Whiskey, Experience.

Posted by Patrick Alan Coleman on Fri, Dec 11, 2009 at 1:37 PM

This is one to be excited about, folks. Tomorrow, House Spirits is finally releasing the whiskey. But not just a single whiskey. Nope. They are releasing three whiskeys. The first two beauties have been aged in New American Oak for around 2 1/2 years. One is a limited apothecary run of cask strength malt whiskey weighing in at 60% alcohol (boo-yah). The other is a not-as-limited run of straight malt whiskey in larger 750 ml bottles. Along with these they’ll also be releasing a limited-run of the pre barrel-aged elixir known as “white dog,” “white lightning,” or “moonshine.”

The release coincides with House Spirits annual Booze Bazaar which takes place at their distillery [2025 SE 7th Ave] from Noon to 5pm. This year the bazaar features vendors such as Chop Butchery, Garden State, Joyas de Panama Cigars, Koi Fusion, and Cellar Door Coffee Roasters.

After the Booze Bazaar, the House Spirit folks will be heading up to Beaker and Flask [720 SE Sandy Blvd] where Kevin Ludwig and friends will be turning the whiskey into delicious boozy cocktails from 4pm to 6pm.

The party then moves to Simpatica Dining Hall [828 SE Ash] for a special whiskey dinner. Reservations are required and spots at the table are running $65 a head (cocktails included). Call 235-1600 for reservations.

Have something better to do tomorrow? (Suuure you do) Then I’d recommend bidding on the House Spirits Experience package in the Mercury On-Line Charity Auction, which includes a private tour, tasting, and cocktail class for you and five select friends! Right now it’s going for a mere $203! Scandalous. You have 3 hours to bid and win!

ACK! Only 5 Hours Left in the Mercury Auction! ACK!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 11, 2009 at 12:14 PM

HOLY CRAP! The final push in this year's Mercury Online Charity Auction has begun, and oh boy, the bidding is currently fast and furious! THERE IS LESS THAN FIVE HOURS LEFT, so don't let this year's auction pass you by, because we have over 70 awesome packages to choose from, and you can pick up your gifts in plenty of time for Christmas!

Here are some great deals for you to bid on!

HELLO MR. HOTTIE! Super cool clothes for you guys from such trusted names as No Star, Bridge and Burn, and Oh Snap! And the current price is a low, low $51!

24 Cases of Red Bull! Buy it for your business, next company party, or to send yourself into cardiac arrest! It's only $81!

Be a Bishops Star! Get dolled up by an actual stylist and have your photo taken for the Bishops ad on the backpage of the Mercury! Voila, you're famous! And HOT. Currently only $78.01!

A Guided Tour of Enchanted Forest for you and your family from the man who designed it, Oregon's famous Roger Tofte! Plus roller skating passes! That's a LOT of fun for currently only $152.50!

A Glowing Feature about YOU in the Mercury! Our best writers will write a page feature about you, your pet, your grandma—whoever! Use it to propose to your soon-to-be fiance! The current price of $355 is a steal!

And don't forget this AMAZING SXSW PACKAGE easily worth $2000!


Folks, the good people who run OUTSIDE IN (helping homeless teens and disadvantaged adults) really need our help. And the Mercury Charity Auction is the perfect way to do that and have fun in the process!



Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thursday's Hot Auctions: ONE DAY LEFT!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Dec 10, 2009 at 4:05 PM

WOOT NOW! The Mercury's Online Charity Auction is just shy of one day away from completion, and things are starting to really heat up! If you want one of the more than 70 awesome packages we've got lined up, THEN BID NOW, OR LOSE IT FOREVER. And please remember, all proceeds are going to help OUTSIDE IN keep helping homeless teens and disadvantaged adults in need.
AND WHAT'S THIS? Something new has been added to the "Feeling Artsy" package? So now, not only do you get pairs of tickets to the remaining Portland Arts and Lectures series, a gorgeous Nikki McClure autographed calendar, and a CD and tix for the Portland Gay Men's Chorus, you ALSO can now score two orchestra side tickets to Portland Opera's production of Mozart's Cosi Fan Tutte. (That's an added value of $119!) WHAAA? I was feeling artsy before, but now I'm having an arts-gasm! SNAP IT UP, YA'LL!


But that's not all! There's still plenty of sweet packages waiting for your generous bids! Such as…

• A walk-on role in the next Atomic Arts production of Star Trek in the Park in which you will get killed! (Theatrically, of course.) This is a super popular show, and you'll be the envy of... well... EVERYONE! And it's currently only $105.24!

• Sing your goddamn guts out with this Karaoke Party for 15 at Voicebox, that also includes private singing lessons! You are going to KILL! (Theatrically, of course.) And wow, it's only $127.50!

• And I have to make one more pitch for what is surely the funnest package in the auction: Play Hooky with the Mercury Boys! We'll call in sick for you, load everybody up in our distro van, and have a hilariously crazy and varied day of boy fun which may include bumper cars, B-B gun shootin', eatin' corn dogs outside 7-11, and so much more! And c'mon! It's only at $62? This is at LEAST $300 worth of fun!



Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Wednesday's Hot Auctions: TWO DAYS LEFT!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Dec 9, 2009 at 1:50 PM

You're throwing a party for a bunch of friends this year, yes? And will that party cost you more than $76? OF COURSE IT WILL! So why are you not bidding on one of the biggest steals of the Mercury Online Charity Auction, a package entitled "Hostess with the Mostess"? Not only will you get 24 delicious cupcakes from Cupcake Jones (along with a one-hour internship/baking class), you'll receive a tequila tasting (along with homemade margaritas) from Experience Tequila (worth 200 bones alone), and an adorable salt & pepper set from elsa + sam. The knowledge you'll gain alone is priceless, so don't let some cheapo snag this package away from you!


Here are a few more packages that are currently too hot to trot, and well within your budget!

• A private party for you and up to 30 people at the Night Light… and it's only currently going for $76?? That's INSANE!

• A private dance party for you and 40 of your friends in the 2nd floor lounge of the Fez… and it's only currently going for $86?? Equally INSANE!

A bike messenger bag, bike overhaul, a bike breakfast, drinks with bike celebs, and a year's subscription to Zipcar? All this, and it's only going for $86?? It's… it's… INSANE!!

ALL PROCEEDS GO TO OUTSIDE IN!! Do the right thing, and snag some awesome bargains along the way!


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Michael Bay's Victoria's Secret Ad.

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Tue, Dec 8, 2009 at 7:43 PM

Michael Bay is either the world's most brilliant self-parodist or the world's most earnest auteur. I haven't decided which. Actually, now that I think about it, I guess I don't care.

Via io9 (who were also kind enough to blog about the kickass Geektastic Dark Horse Fun Pack that's available in our Mercury Online Charity Auction!).

Tuesday's Hot Auctions!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Dec 8, 2009 at 10:34 AM

You want a deal? HERE'S A DEAL. I can tell you from personal experience that getting a financial checkup from Charles Carroll with New Outlook Financial can CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Like you, I had a moderate amount of credit card debt, and with Charles' non-judgmental advice, I was debt free in less than a year. (Your results may vary, of course.) But Charles was also great about helping me move my investments around to green, sustainable companies that don't skin kittens for fur coats. And what's this? The Mercury Online Charity Auction is auctioning off FOUR HOURS of advice time with Charles that's currently only at $127.50? Did you know that four hours would normally go for over $1000? SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Get your financial shit in order once and for all with this great auction that's gonna go for a great price!


But that's not all! There are POOP TONS of great deals still left in the Mercury Online Charity Auction! Such as...

• Mountain biking madman (and Mercury publisher) Rob Crocker will take you and three friends on a mountain bike tour of Ape Canyon on beautiful Mount St. Helens, PLUS you get some sweet swag from Sellwood Cycle, PLUS a delicious picnic lunch from South Bank Kitchen... and this is currently only going for... $20.50?? Holy mother of christ, somebody's gonna walk off with a steal! (Will it be you?)

• Want some more financial advice? Buy this shooting script for Twilight, autographed by screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg (now only $61) and then resell it on Ebay to some desperate Twi-hard for a million bucks! Bing, bang, boom, you're out of debt.

• Look, I know why you're only bidding $26 for our "Hang Out with the Mercury Girls" package. Because it is CLEARLY not as fun as the "Play Hooky with the Mercury Boys" package, now going for $51. However, do me a solid and make a pity bid for the girls, okay? They're moping around the office, thinking they're ugly. Thanks!

AND DON'T FORGET! The Mercury Online Charity Auction ends this Friday, Dec 11 at 5 pm sharp, and all the proceeds go to benefit the fantabulous OUTSIDE IN who are doing marvelous work helping homeless teens help themselves!

So... GO! NOW! BID!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Monday's Hot Auctions!

Posted by Ezra Ace Caraeff on Mon, Dec 7, 2009 at 4:51 PM

Grab a stack of cash from Grandma's medicine fund—it's on her desk, next to the bowl of Werther's Original—and hit up our charity auction while the getting is good.


A guitar and a guitar lesson from a man who once out-shredded Stephen Colbert? Yes, both will be yours for a mere... $202.50. That is way too low. There are more important things in life than family, one of which is being able to play guitar like a freaking god. This is your chance at greatness, do not hesitate to put your Nana in the ground in order to win this package.

Also, don't miss these deals:
• Vinyl! A ton of it! Just look at this list of records in the "I Love Music" package. Plus, for some reason, you get a $50 gift certificate to Fire on the Mountain with the LPs. Let's be honest. When you spend this much on records, you are probably the type of person who eats wings every chance they get. Alone. Always, alone. Currently only $110!
• Hey bands, get your act together with this "Rock Band: The Real Thing" package that includes everything from a college radio campaign to legal advice from an actual lawyer. No more taking legal advice from the pony-tailed salesman at Guitar Center for you. Currently only $81!
• All proceeds help OUTSIDE IN assist homeless teens and disadvantaged adults.

Dr. Horrible Auction Page

Posted by Alison Hallett on Mon, Dec 7, 2009 at 10:22 AM


That's the page of Joelle Jone's original art (the page is inked, black-and-white, and unlettered) that's included in our Dark Horse auction package. The current bid is $76.13. THAT IS CRAZY. THAT IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE. LOOK AT THAT PAGE. That page alone is worth a couple hundred easy, not to mention all the other goodies in the package (like a One-Shot Wonders lithograph signed by Joss Whedon, Mike Mignola, and Travis Charest....)

The ebay auction item says "no shipping," but that's a lie. For an extra $25, we can ship this package direct to your nerd lair. Bid now and bid often!


Friday, December 4, 2009

Friday's Hot Auctions!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 4, 2009 at 3:12 PM

Surely you know someone who is getting married this coming year, yes? Then drop 'em a line and tell them to snap up this SUPER CHEAP wedding package, courtesy of the Mercury Online Charity Auction!THEY ARE GONNA SAVE SO MUCH MONEY! (And then you won't have to buy them a gift. Yay!)


There are still TONS of great auction items that are so stinking cheap it makes me sick. Such as…

• A guitar lesson from The Decemberists' Chris Funk AND a gorgeous Les Paul Guitar! Currently only $52!

• A pizza party for 20, and a super awesome Pabst Blue Ribbon fridge! Currently only $89.88!

• An amazing Dark Horse Comics package including autographs from Joss Whedon and more! Currently only $63! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???

Bid now, and bid big, and remember: All proceeds go to help OUTSIDE IN help homeless teens and disadvantaged adults!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Win a Copy of MySpace Dark Horse Presents Volume Four! Starring Yours Truly!

Posted by Ann Romano on Thu, Dec 3, 2009 at 3:01 PM

ATTN. ONE DAY AT A TIME READERS: Ann here, paying a too-rare visit to Blogtown to let all of you know about something very important: My latest opus can now be found in finer nerdery supply stores everywhere! MySpace Dark Horse Presents Volume Four is now in comic book stores, and it collects Gone Dishin', our latest funnybook misadventure, in which we meet up with a few unsavory characters named Franky and the Goon (and also valiantly defeat a giant octopus, as is our wont). Gone Dishin' features art by Kristian Donaldson, and with the collection boasting stories from nerdlebrities like Kate Beaton, Gilbert Hernandez, Joss Whedon, Chris Onstad, and more, we are totes not exaggerating when we tell you it is probably the best thing you will read this year. After One Day at a Time, natch.

Now, we SHOULD be urging you all to go out and buy itonly $19.95! a bargain!—but Dark Horse Comics has donated three copies of the book to be won by lucky Blogtownies! All you have to do, dears, is email me no later than Wednesday, December 9, at noon; I'll pick three winners then, and I'll update this post with their names that afternoon. (When you enter, be sure to include your mailing address so we can have Hubby Kip stick the book in the mail for you if you win, and make sure your subject line is "Gone Dishin'.")

ALAS... We do have some bad news, dears, so bear with us: Thanks to an eff-up at Dark Horse, the first page of Gone Dishin' was printed without our brilliant words. Not a single speech or thought balloon on the whole page! (We know, we know—when we found out about it, we were angrier than Elin Nordegren.) But in an attempt to make up for their heinous, grievous error, Dark Horse has printed off three color copies of the page—with our lovely words intact!—that'll be sent along with the books to the winners. And for those of you who don't win, you can download a PDF of the correct version of the first page here: GONE-DISHIN-P1-COMPLETE.pdf.

MEANWHILE... While Dark Horse might not be able to pay proper respect to our fine wordsmithing skills, they are able to donate amazing packages for the Mercury's Online Charity Auction, year after year. This year, they put together their best package yet—the Geektastic Dark Horse Fun Pack includes all sorts of fantastic dweebery must-haves, from Umbrella Academy books to Hellboy comics to stuff signed by various Whedons to original Dr. Horrible artwork by Joëlle Jones. What's more, it's currently going for a paltry $46—a bargain if we say so ourselves, and we know a thing or two about shopping.


That should do it, dears. Email away. Mwah!

UPDATE! The winners are Greg Walker, Travis Kincher, and Cameron Reinlasoder! We're sending Kip on a coffee/post office run in about 15, so keep your eyes on your mailboxes.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Mercury Online Auction is LIVE! Bid Now!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Dec 2, 2009 at 2:23 PM

Are you ready to blow some serious money for a great cause, and score some sweet gifts in the process? Then start bidding NOW at the Mercury's Online Charity Auction! Not only do all proceeds go to benefit OUTSIDE IN—a fantastic local organization devoted to rescuing homeless teens and disadvantaged adults—you can win some of the best packages we've ever offered! Such as...

TWO PASSES TO SXSW AND TWO PLANE TICKETS TO GET THERE! (Are you freaking kidding me? And the opening bid is only $1.99? I said, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?)

THE FILM SCRIPT TO TWILIGHT, AUTOGRAPHED BY SCREENWRITER MELISSA ROSENBERG! (Does it come with a shirtless Jacob Black? No? I still want it!!)

GUITAR LESSONS FROM CHRIS FUNK OF THE DECEMBERISTS! (Plus an Epiphone Les Paul Studio electric guitar, so you'll have something to learn on!)

A GEEKTASTIC PACKAGE FROM DARK HORSE! (Featuring tons of autographed stuff from Joss Whedon, Mike Mignola, Zack Whedon and more!)

A "WALK-ON AND GET KILLED" ROLE IN THIS SUMMER'S STAR TREK IN THE PARK! (You'll be playing a red shirt... so what did you expect would happen?)

DESIGN THE COVER OF THE MERCURY AND MORE! (Get a juicy feature about YOU, a glowing review about YOU, and somone's face on every page of the paper... oh! That's YOU, too!)

And believe me when I tell you, there is SO MUCH MORE! Over 70 awesome packages featuring food, music, clothing, celeb experiences, comic books, baby stuff, movies for a year, bicycle stuff, private parties... and we're just getting started. So what are you waiting for? Get competitive with your generosity, and help out a great charity in the process with...

All bids start at $1.99! Bidding ends at 5 pm on Friday, Dec 11!

  • Photo: Tim Gunther

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Mercury Online Charity Auction Starts Tomorrow!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Dec 1, 2009 at 2:14 PM

Woot Now! It's our fave time of the holiday season: the annual Mercury Online Charity Auction begins tomorrow (Wednesday) afternoon! Check in after 3 pm (or watch Blogtown for the kickoff announcement) and get ready to bid big for OVER 70 FUNTASTIC PACKAGES that will make the perfect gift for your shmoopy-woopy this season (or for yourself—because you're a shmoopy-woopy, too, right?).
And just check out some of the awesomeness we have lined up for you this year:

• SXSW passes for two—and a free plane ride to get there!
• A guitar lesson from The Decemberists' Chris Funk!
• The film script for Twilight, autographed by screenplay author, Melissa Rosenberg!
• Passes to next year's HUMP!, along with dinner with Dan Savage!
• A guided tour through Enchanted Forest with creator Roger Tofte!
• Go bowling (!) with Steve Novick!
• Plus movies for a year, lots of food, hot 'n' sexy clothing, books, theater, comic book/gaming stuff, and tons more!

Even better, all the proceeds from the Mercury Online Charity Auction goes to Outside In, who's helping Portland by helping homeless teens and disadvantaged adults.

So get ready to bid big, and have big excitement with the Mercury Online Charity Auction starting tomorrow afternoon! BEING GENEROUS HAS NEVER BEEN SO FUN!

  • Photo: Tim Gunther

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Which Do-Gooders Deserve a Giant Pile of $$$?

Posted by Sarah Mirk on Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 1:44 PM

Cindy is pleased.
  • Cindy is pleased.
It's almost that time again: the annual Mercury charity auction is coming right up!

Last year we raised $16,000 for the Portland Women's Crisis Line. In others years, we've raised money for Sisters of the Road, Resolutions Northwest and JOIN.

So the big question is: what Portland nonprofit deserves to receive a giant box of money under their nondenominational holiday tree this year?

Pitch your favorite local charities in the comments!


Friday, December 12, 2008

Eep! Auction Ends in 15 Minutes!!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 12, 2008 at 4:45 PM

Let's do this thing, people! Help Portland Women's Crisis Line get the money they need to keep helping women in need! YOU HAVE 15 MINUTES TO BID ON THE GIFTS OF A LIFETIME! Go to the Mercury's Online Charity Auction now!

And don't forget about Marjorie and I assisting with your Clone-a-Willy project! Donate and win big!

Bid… Bid… Bid… Bid… BID!

GAH! One Hour to Go! Bid, Bid, BID!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 12, 2008 at 4:02 PM

There's a ton of hot auction action going on RIGHT NOW, and you only have one hour left! (Auction ends at 5 pm today!) Bid now and bid big if you don't want your holiday gift stolen from underneath your tree!

And don't forget, Marjorie and I will help you duplicate a prosthetic imitation of your very own penis if you donate here before 5 pm!


Clone-a-Willy Speed Auction! (Or, I Will Touch Your Genitals for Cash)

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 12, 2008 at 3:02 PM

Welcome to the Mercury Clone-a-Willy Speed Auction™!

As you may remember from yesterday, eBay pulled our Clone-a-Willy package from their site because it's apparently too obscene. I KNOW, RIGHT? Anyway, F-bomb them. We're taking matters (and clone-a-willies) into our own hands — LITERALLY— with this Mercury Clone-a-Willy Speed Auction™! Here's what's in the package:

Here's your chance to get four different Clone-A-Willy ( kits (including soap, candle, and glow in the dark) and a Clone-A-Pussy chocolate kit! Plus two "Tongue Vibe Quickies" (that's right, tongue vibrators!) two "Finger Vibes" (that's right, finger vibrators!), and one Personal Vibrating foam sponge (rub-a-dub-dub!). The retail value of this is at least $225!


1) Below you will see the Mercury's "DONATE NOW" Paypal button.
2) Click on that and make a donation to benefit Portland Women's Crisis Line.
3) Whoever makes the biggest donation by 5 pm today (Friday, Dec 12) wins the entire package!

"BUT I DON'T WANT TO DONATE IF I DON'T GET ANYTHING IN RETURN!" You are getting the knowledge that your donations to Portland Women's Crisis Line directly helps survivors of domestic abuse and sexual violence. With state and federal government cuts, PWCL needs our help more than ever! We CAN'T let this awesome non-profit go away. It's far too necessary.

THAT BEING SAID, LET'S UP THE ANTE! If you donate the most, and win this package, I, Mercury editor Wm. Steven Humphrey and managing editor Marjorie Skinner will come to your residence (within a one hour radius) and "ASSIST" YOU IN MAKING A CLONE-A-WILLY CLONE OF YOURSELF. (Amount of actual genital touching is negotiable.) We are completely serious, and that's how devoted we are to helping PWCL.

And just to prove how serious I am… BOOM! I just put my first and only bid for the Clone-a-Willy package. I donated $75 (it's worth it not to touch your penis). So if you want this package and help in creating a willy from myself and Marjorie Skinner, then donate now, and donate OVER $75. The largest donation wins, and "bidding" ends at 5 pm!


Mercury Auction Ends Today at 5 pm! EEEEE!!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 12, 2008 at 11:00 AM

EEEEEEEEEE! The Mercury Online Charity Auction ends today at 5 pm!! EEEEEEEEEE!

Will you win your Cindy the Erotic Pleaser pillow? (Remember, you can bid on any of the ten individual pillows!) EEEEEEE!

Will you win YOUR artwork on the Mercury's cover for all to see? EEEEEEE!

Will you win a date with the Mercury girls and a year's free admission for DJ Gregarious' dance night? EEEEE!

Will you win 15 minutes of one-on-one phone time with sex expert Dan Savage? EEEEE!

Will you tune in at 3 pm today for the special SPEED AUCTION for the eBay-banned Clone-a-Willy package? EEEEEEE!

And don't forget there are over fifty more awesome packages perfectly suited for any and all tastes—but they're all gone after 5 PM TODAY! As mentioned earlier… EEEEEEEE!


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Important Auction Update!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Dec 11, 2008 at 1:40 PM

Actually, there are TWO important Mercury Online Charity Auction updates!

UPDATE #1! Did you know that the auction will be over and all bidding will stop at 5 pm tomorrow (Friday, Dec 12)? So… BEWARE! Make sure to bid high and fast, because your competitors will be sneaking in at the last second tomorrow to steal your booty! (Plus all the proceeds goes to Portland Women's Crisis Line—another good reason to bid big!)

UPDATE #2! The problem with dealing with eBay is that they're a bunch of goddamn prudes, and deleted our CLONE-A-WILLY EXTRAVAGANZA package from their site without warning. Then, when we tried to list the package in their adult section, they were charging our bidders $5 each just to prove they were of legal age! As Gov. Blagojevich would say, "THAT'S BULLSHIT. FUCK THOSE FUCKERS."
That's why we're pulling the Clone-A-Willy package off their site, and will be holding a super special Blogtown Speed Auction tomorrow (Friday, Dec 12) at 3 pm! Tune in right here tomorrow at 3, for all the fun details! We're going to auction this package off if it kills us!!



Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Dark Horse Comics Nerdgasm Package Is the DEAL OF THE GODDAMN CENTURY, and You Should Probably BID ON IT RIGHT NOW.

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Wed, Dec 10, 2008 at 2:56 PM


Every year Dark Horse Comics puts together one hell of a package for the Mercury's charity auction, but this year they went all out—donating so much kickass, valuable, and rare stuff that we couldn't even list it all in the paper. The package is currently going for $152.50, which isn't too bad, but... FUCKING A, have you guys not realized how much amazing stuff is in this package? It's worth like $500!

The whole list is here, but one of the coolest things in this package—in my humble opinion—is the first issue of Umbrella Academy: Apocalypse Suite, signed by writer Gerard Way (who also happens to be in a somewhat popular band you might've heard of). The fantastic Umbrella Academy is one of my favorite comics at the moment—I mean, look at that panel I posted above! it's little kids! fighting the Eiffel Tower!—which is great, 'cause there are a slew of trade collections in the package too, headed up by Umbrella Academy but also including three excellent Buffy the Vampire Slayer collections, collections of Fray, Serenity, and Hellboy, hardcover editions of Wondermark and Achewood, and more. Plus: toys, figures, candles, buttons, a DVD, a t-shirt, and even a goddamn Buffy the Vampire Slayer Ouija board. NOW YOU CAN FINALLY ASK ANYA HOW SHE'S BEEN DOING SINCE SHE UNCEREMONIOUSLY GOT CHOPPED IN HALF IN THE SERIES FINALE.


Anyway, bid away, Blogtown readers. Selfish admission: Every year I bid on the Dark Horse package, and while I'm inevitably disappointed when the bidding rises above the balance in my checking account, it's still a pretty kickass feeling to realize how much money is going to charity because of it. It'd be great to win this thing, but it'd make me feel even better if I got outbid, if that makes any sense.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Bid and Win a Date with the Mercury Girls!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Dec 9, 2008 at 11:30 AM

Action Auction Update! What could be more awesome than entering a club with a bevy of sassy, saucy, and scrumptious gals on your arm? Ummm… I'm thinking "not much." That's why you should bid on our TWO TO TANGO package in the Mercury's Online Charity Auction! That's right, not only do you get a year's worth of free admission to the Fez Friday night dance party with DJ Gregarious, we've just added an awesome bonus: the "Girls of the Mercury" will accompany you on one of those Fridays, and dance and drink the night away!
Impress your friends! Make your ex-girlfriend (or boyfriend) fume with impotent rage! Plus, this package is still super cheap, so bid now and bid big!
And don't forget, all the proceeds from the Mercury Online Charity Auction goes to Portland Women's Crisis Line which supports survivors of domestic abuse and sexual assault — so please bid generously.
And also don't forget: OUR AUCTION ENDS THIS FRIDAY, DEC 12 AT 5 PM! So hop over to our auction now, and snap up over 60 funtastically awesome gifts!


Actual girls may vary.

Monday, December 8, 2008

A Chance to Hear Matt Davis Crooning: Priceless

Posted by Amy J. Ruiz on Mon, Dec 8, 2008 at 9:43 AM

Sadly, my Friday afternoon challenge last week--I'd post audio of Matt Davis singing Carly Simon's "Nobody Does it Better," performed at our holiday party, if we hit the $7K mark in our holiday auction by 5 pm--went unmet. Though we coasted past $7K over the weekend, it wasn't by my deadline.

However, I know there are still folks out there whose lives will be unfulfilled if they don't get a chance to hear Matt's crooning. So here's my second offer:

Make a bid on any item, or make a direct donation to the Portland Women's Crisis Line, and send me the proof (a screenshot of your eBay bid confirmation, a forward of the emailed bid confirmation, a receipt from PayPal for a direct donation). I'll keep your info confidential, and I'll promptly email you the two and a half minute mp3 of Davis' performance.

There are still 31 items going for less than $100. And I bet most of the items have a high bidder that's willing to pay far more than the current going price--so you may be outbid. But you'll still get your limited edition Davis mp3. (Full disclosure: it's not the highest quality, obviously, as it was recorded in a karaoke booth. But it's Matt Davis! Singing!)

Your new deadline: Noon on Tuesday. Bid. And email me.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Mercury Online Auction Continues!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 5, 2008 at 2:01 PM

It's only day three of the Mercury Online Charity Auction, and we've already had boffo response! And don't forget, all the proceeds go to Portland Women's Crisis Line which assists survivors of domestic violence and sexual abuse. Plus they're getting a matching donation from The Collins Foundation for up to $10,000! SO BID BIG!

Plus, there are tons of great deals left. Check out these beauties!

Currently bidding at $51, this super cute dress not only looks good in the picture, in real life it looks GORGE. Buy it for your sweetie, and she'll have bragging rights all year!

Another great deal is DAN SAVAGE SOLVES YOUR PROBLEMS, in which you get 15 unfettered minutes of one-on-one telephone talk time to the master of advice himself! Get your most pressing problem solved quick! Ask him personal questions! Argue with him about same-sex marriage! WE DON'T CARE! It's for charity! And gulp! As of right now, it's only $9.50!

And if you have a friend who's even vaguely interested in comics, please get 'em to check out our DARKHORSE NERDGASM PACKAGE! Currently going for a measly $56, this truly awe-inspiring package would ordinarily be worth $500 easy. Are you freaking kidding me? Even if you hate comics, you'd make a killing reselling this stuff on eBay! What do I care? As long as the Crisis Line gets its dough, I'm happy.

So we've got a super limited edition of "CINDY THE EROTIC PLEASER" PILLOWS (only ten, individually listed -- click on "Browse by Title" to find 'em all quick), and one of them is still going for only $1.99! WTF?? Snap one of these suckers up for a present that will never, ever, NEVER be forgotten!

So what are you waiting for? Start snatching up the gifts of a lifetime, and feel like a goddamn saint while you're doing it! AUCTION ENDS A WEEK FROM TODAY AT 5 PM.


Blackmailing Matt Davis

Posted by Amy J. Ruiz on Fri, Dec 5, 2008 at 2:00 PM

I've got an audio recording of Matt Davis singing Karaoke at last night's Mercury holiday party. His choice of song? Carly Simon's "Nobody Does it Better."

You know you want to hear it.

I'll make you all a deal that's making Davis squirm: The online charity auction has raised, as of right now, $5,600.

If it hits $7,000 by 5 pm today--that's in three hours--I'll post all two and a half minutes of Davis' crooning.

Bid on any item, here. Or, chip in a donation directly to the Portland Women's Crisis Line here--and I'll count it towards our $7K goal.

Because nobody does it beeeeettttterrrrrrr than Blogtown readers...

Thursday, December 4, 2008

News Team For Sale

Posted by Matt Davis on Thu, Dec 4, 2008 at 1:41 PM

Bidding is hotting up on the Mercury's Annual Charity Auction site, which has been live since yesterday. With only 8 days, 3 hours, 22 minutes and 54 seconds to go, one item is seriously going for a steal: Your choice of investigative report!

Got a hot story that you'd like us to dig into? Name your topic, and the Mercury's crack team of news reporters will pull up records, pin down experts, investigate every angle, and report our findings in an upcoming news section. We'll pull out all the stops to get to the truth (no refunds, however, if it's not quite the answer you were hoping for). Certain journalistic ethics and all libel standards apply.

Currently going at the bargain price of $47.98. So get to it. All proceeds benefit the Portland Women's Crisis Line.

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