Just when you think Portland can't get any more precious, it goes and becomes a hub for the revival of urban wineries. Diversifying away from the sacred cow of Pinot Noir, these small-batch operations are bringing wine making back to the city, as is European tradition. (And yes, they buy their fruit. Most winemakers, even out in the Valley, are not vintners, apparently, and that whole "wine tasting in the country" thing is an American invention, anyhow.)

So. On Saturday I caught the Short Bus for one of their periodic urban winery tours (other tour themes include an all-lady sex toy shopping excursion, FYI). It took us to four locations, starting at the Southeast Wine Collective, which houses Division Wine Making Company, Fullerton Wines, Vincent, Helioterra, and Bow & Arrow. It was the only place on the tour that I was already familiar with, and it was there that I bought my first bottle of the day (this would become a re-emerging theme).

The deal with the bus is that you can drink on it—they even provided us with insanely thick, idiot-proof wine glasses, but pace yourself. The tour lasts for almost five hours, and there is a lot of wine involved. The smallest location we visited, by far, was Jan-Marc, who produces an astonishing seven types of wine out of his garage in residential North Portland. Sitting in the sun on his driveway sipping his amazing "Bastard Red" goes down in the top five most Portland moments of my life.

The ride on the bus alone is $35 a head, and you'd be best advised to purchase an urban winery passport for $20, which covers the day's tastings and gets you a 10% discount on any bottles you purchase (and you will). I ended up buying four bottles of wine, you guys, instead of groceries, the water bill, and cat food. I feel fine about this, but if you take one of these tours (it was really quite delightful), you'd better bring your wallet. It was not the cheapest afternoon, although I was very impressed that the pricing was reasonable, with most bottles falling somewhere between $15-30. (Do I sound like a yuppie? I really, really feel like a yuppie.)

• Barrels of fun at Alchemy Wine Productions.

But seriously, next time you are showing a foodie of any stripe around town, this is a pretty slick move. It nails a lot of the city's most winning qualities (funky buses, micro-production, day drinking) in one fell swoop.

PDX Beer Week, unfortunately, is drawing to a close, but there are still plenty of events left. Last night at the release party for the Gentlemen's Club collaboration between Widmer Bros and Miami's Cigar City (on tap tonight at The Rookery Bar at Raven & Rose), I was reminded of just how awesome this city's beer scene is. It was actually not one of the collaborations that reminded me, and it wasn't any of the awesome offerings from Cigar City (e.g. cucumber lager) which have not ever been available within 1000 miles or so of here. It was a fourteen-year-old mead dug up from the depths of Widmer's keg storage. A delicious, full-bodied, 11% ABV mead, the combination of drinkability and high acohol content of which, according to the Widmer rep I talked to, is the sole reason meads are no longer allowed at the Oregon Brewers Festival.

The point is, things like this just happen in Portland all the time. That this week is called PDX Beer Week is almost a non sequitur—isn't every week beer week in Portland? Regardless, here's where you should be drinking this weekend:

You should, right now, be drinking rare and exciting Colorado beer at Belmont Station's Colorado Beer Day. Something like Crooked Stave being on tap in Portland is reason enough to go, but you can also try Backcountry, Elevation, Grimm Brothers, and some rare offerings from Great Divide and New Belgium. Put down your tablet or whatever the hell gadget you read this on and go. And then just stay in the neighborhood and hit Horse Brass, where all of their rotating taps are Portland beers for the whole weekend.

On Saturday, Old Town Brewing is holding an irresistible George Jones Tribute Beer Festival. Ten brewers releasing George Jones-inspired beers, served alongside classic country tunes. This is the kind of thing that needs to happen more often in this town. (This is like that classic funeral test to find out if you're a psychopath. I want to be clear: I am not advocating the serial murder of classic country musicians just to justify memorial beer festivals.)

Then on Sunday, maybe the most mouthwatering event of the festival (if the Mussels From Brussels at Bazi didn't win this already) is going down at The Commons: The Portland Beer and Cheese Festival (featuring free charcuterie from CHOP with the price of admission). Steve Jones of Cheese Bar is pairing the cheese, so you know it's going to be a world-class affair.

You'll need some kind of organized sports to work off the cheese and beer from that event, so head to Ground Kontrol from 8:00-11:00pm for some competitive video gaming and Ninkasi beer. Winners win... well, I don't know, they don't list specific prizes, just "Ninkasi swag and Ground Kontrol gift certificates," but in my case it the real prize would be a sense of accomplishment and pride previously thought unattainable.

Then get some rest because Monday is another day of drinking in this beautiful beer-stained city.

Here is a reason to brave the surveillance state (my current excuse for wearing pajamas all day) and leave your home: As mentioned earlier, Portland Beer Week starts today!

There are roughly a million events, so check out the calendar and make up your own mind about where to go. Or if you're hyperventilating from too many options, just take my advice for the weekend:

Tonight, there are a ton of beers on at the kick-off party at Lucky Lab NW, many of which sound delicious. But also, IPA UPSIDE DOWN CAKE ICE CREAM. And also Bretta fermented pears and fudge ice cream. There are six different Salt and Straw collaborations with local brewers. Can you get drunk on ice cream? Find out tonight.

If all the variety at the Lucky Lab party turns you off because you're stuck in Portland's IPA heyday (god bless you), head to Saraveza's Oakshire event. Four IPA's including a firkin of something "special."

Then tomorrow, you got a beery strip club tour with Brewvana and New School. It comes with a pretzel necklace, so if you're a prude, you can tell people you just did it for the necklace.

Before that, though, you want to head to Belmont Station for the release party of the official PDX Beer Week Beer, an "India Wild Ale" from Breakside and Gigantic. This 100% brettanomyces wild IPA is likely to be the vanguard of a new(ish) movement in Oregon beer, so be there for the inception.

Saturday, check out the Fruit Beer Fest, over at Burnside Brewing, which promises to be a slightly less drunk festival this year, as organizers say they're focusing more on the sessionable, patio-friendly beers - including a delicious rhubarb apple cider from 2 Towns in Corvallis (they used two and a half tons of rhubarb in this batch of cider!) and a perfectly drinkable pomegranate Berliner weisse from Widmer. You're going to want to go for the VIP package here ($28), as it allows you to get in early, at 10:00am for some special tappings.

Getting in and out early at the Fruit Beer Fest will also allow you some extra time to make it to Beermongers for a tap takeover and meet-the-brewers event with previously mentioned De Garde Brewing from Tillamook. These cats are already bringing a Double India Wild Ale (with Chenin Blanc grapes and aged in gin barrels, no less) to a week officially represented by an India Wild Ale. What did I tell you about this style? (It was something "Something vanguard something.")

Sunday you should head to The Hop & Vine for a Widmer tap takeover and to try the new Hop & Vine/Coalition collaboration, a Calypso-single-hop pale ale. (Full disclosure: I am a Hop & Vine employee and helped brew that beer. So if you don't like it, blame me.) Then somehow safely make your way to SE Hawthorne for Bazi's Mussels From Brussels, in which four local brewers pair mussels with a beer and a brewer-made secret sauce. In attendance: The Commons, Lompoc, Pfriem, and Upright. Do not miss this.

Okay, that's all I can get through without having a rage stroke over being out of town this weekend. Now get dressed and drunk!

For the third consecutive year, Portland Beer Week promises to provide another welcome excuse to tipsily prove our superiority in consuming massive amounts of glutenful pints and apparently enjoy the longest week in the history of ever (11 whole days, which makes said "week" technically closer to being a fortnight, guys). Kicking off tonight (June 6) with a party at the Lucky Lab Beer Hall (1945 NW Quimby) and featuring four whole festivals, several dinners with guest chefs like Vitaly Paley (of Paley's Place, Imperial) and Jason French (of Ned Ludd), and other shenanigans like the Portland Beer Games (what?!), brewers around town have conspired to help beer fans have a lot of fun through June 16th. Check out the full calendar of events here or follow my advice and check out these events that just look too good to pass up:

Beer + Boobs Stripcrawl Tour: What's more patriotic (specifically to Portland) than drinking lots of beer at several strip clubs? Brewvana will safely escort you and other fans of the finer things in life to three of Portland's favorite nude establishments for $30 on Friday, June 7. You'll still need to bring dollar bills and beer money, but you'll save a bundle on cab fare.
Pickup at 8:45 pm at EastBurn (1800 E Burnside).

Portland Fruit Beer Festival: June 8-9 marks the third annual celebration of fruity brews, outside in the probably sunny parking lot of Burnside Brewing. At least 26 breweries will be bringing their fruit-flavored brews and ciders to the event, and $20 admission wins you a tasting glass and 12 tickets (each good for a 4 oz taste of most offerings). The festival runs 11 am to 9 pm Saturday, June 7 and 11 am to 6 pm Sunday, June 8, so show up this weekend to discover your new favorite summer sipper.
Burnside Brewing Co. is located at 701 E. Burnside.

Mussels from Brussels: A competition in which $25 lands you a pound of mussels with a secret sauce from Upright Brewing Pfriem Family Brewers, Lompoc Brewing and The Commons Brewery; beer pairings from each aforementioned brewery; and a vote for your favorite pairing - Doesn't sound like there's a real loser at this delicious contest at Bazi Brasserie on Sunday, June 9 from 4-10.
Bazi Brasserie is located at 1522 Southeast 32nd.

Lompoc Sci-Fi IPA Movie Night at Hollywood Theatre: Watch the Terminator 1 and 2 on 35 mm this Flag Day for $8 and try as many cleverly named Lompoc beers as you can before Arnold's face gets too blurry. I'm going to start with a Ryes of the Machines IPA and go from there.
Friday, June 14 from 7:30-11:30 at the Hollywood Theatre (4122 NE Sandy).

Like vegetables, eggs, and tea towels, I predict (okay hope) that the next big "local" obsession in these parts is going to be wine. And I don't mean Oregon wine from out in the country, I mean the wine that is being made in increasing numbers by small urban wineries dotting the inner east side (mostly). When the Bindery opens—pour some out for the Teen Challenge thrift store—late this summer, I predict it will catch the attention of everyone who's becoming more dimly aware of this creepin' scene (you're gonna hear about it; at 10,000 sf it's the largest underground wine operation in the urban United State), but in the meantime there is quite a bit already in place to check out.

In the interest of time efficiency and reducing your chances of getting a DUI, these small wineries have joined forces with the Portland Short Bus (which has joined the Barfly Bus as one of Portland's favorite methods of mobile partying) for periodic, daylong tours of these spots. Thirty-five bucks gets you nearly five hours of introduction to your friendly neighborhood winers, complete with—obvi—wine tasting, snacks, and schmoozing.

The next one coming up is the "Who's Yo Daddy" edition, scheduled for the titularly appropriate Father's Day date of June 15, which is either the perfect way to bond with pops all afternoon or the perfect way to ignore him. Your call! Tickets can be scored right here.

• Facebook
• The Bindery: It's gonna happen.

"Mixology" is the theme of tonight's after hours event at OMSI (for a 21+ crowd only, obviously). Featuring a spirits tasting from members of Oregon's own distilling community, live Prohibition-era music, and other vendors peddling wares to an increasingly inebriated crowd, this promises to be one of the more lively editions that the OMSI After Dark series has seen. Chat with local distilling professionals, learn about the science behind your favorite mixed drinks, and otherwise enjoy being in a museum full of hard liquor. The evening of boozy fun runs from 6-10 pm, while $25 buys admission, 10 tasting tokens for the spirits tasting, and a souvenir shot glass for non-members (advance tickets are recommended). Food and lower-proof drinks will be available from the museum's cafe and other vendors.

• New Deal Distillery
• Taste the spirit.

Haha, grow up, they are actual metal cans. But seriously, from the New Age Old Questions file: "Why are these cans so tall?"

Have you seen these tallboy giant cans from Oskar Blues? Dale's Pale Ale and Mama's Little Yella Pils in 19oz cans that are too tall for your post-ironic slap-on can koozie? WHY ARE THEY SO TALL? 19.2 ounces is an arbitrary number! It's not even a round number of milliliters! They claim it's an "Imperial Pint" from "overseas." I refuse to accept that, for the purposes of this blog post's obstinate incredulity. So, ahem: Don't tread on me, and don't tread on my normal sized cans (unless they're empty and you're going to recycle them).

Anyway, the beer is delicious and Belmont Station is doing a tasting tonight from 5:00 - 8:00pm. If you buy two, they probably won't tell you why it comes in 19.2oz servings, but they will at least give you free koozie that fits those huge, beautiful cans.

Grow up, seriously.

By now, Portland beer geeks have seen the first few beers from De Garde Brewing come and—often pretty quickly—go. The brand new Tillamook wild-fermentation brewery released two beers at various beer bars around the city, and those lucky enough to try them have apparently been impressed. Or at least thirsty.

That success doesn’t appear to be going to De Garde’s sole two owner/employees’ heads, though. In the short time I spoke with co-owner and brewer Trevor Rogers, he was many times moved almost to tears trying to explain the feeling of talking to early fans of the beers.

Dropping his head and bringing it back up kind of flushed and watery-eyed, he says, “I don't even know how to say it... It’s amazing, having people say, you know, ‘This is the best thing we’ve had today.’ We’re humbled, still.”

That humility is all the more impressive if you’ve been one of those lucky enough to taste the beer. The two beers that had made the trip to Portland as of early this week were a beautifully tart Berliner weisse, Bu Weisse, and a bourbon barrel aged strong dark ale called Loak. At 2.1% and 11.7% ABV respectively, they represent distant ends of the spectrum of ales. Rogers says this wasn’t on purpose—he and co-owner Linsey Hamacher just brought what was ready.

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I just moved into the Dekum/Woodlawn area and it's the shit, don't move there, people like me are already ruining it.

A few nights ago I wandered into the soft opening of the Oregon Public House, a new bar (and eventual brewery) underneath the Village Ballroom.

Billing itself as "the nation's first non-profit pub", proceeds from the Oregon Public House go to support local charitable organizations. It's an attempt to do some good with the fact that—as founder Ryan Saari notes in the below video—during times of economic strife, charitable giving goes down, but alcohol sales go up. The pub will support a range of local and international social and environmental charities; the full list is here.

What this means is I get to feel 100% self-righteous about drinking awesome beer at a pleasant neighborhood pub. DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME, INTERNET COMMENTERS.

The grand opening is on Friday, but it's currently in soft-open mode with a full food and drink menu. 700 NE Dekum, Tues-Sun 3-11 pm.

Filling a half-mile gap in the craft cocktail scene between Laurelhurst Market and Hale Pele, a beautifully-themed new watering hole called Church opened earlier this month on NE 26th and Sandy. Replete with a photo booth disguised as a confessional, a promising menu of southern fare, and as broad of a drink menu as you could ask for, Church is run by a small group of Portland industry veterans and promises to be a stellar addition to NE Sandy's otherwise less-than-charming vibe along that stretch of the road. Minor kinks in my early visit will hopefully be resolved or at least compensated for - the music was absolutely deafening in the nearly empty space on a Monday evening, and a self-serve water station failed to impress (I'm ready to pay $10 for an amazing cocktail, but a good bartender should pour my damn water before I do). I'm sure Church will find a loyal following of regulars that don't mind or notice such conditions, but I hope they amend those particular details. Service was otherwise prompt, courteous, and well-oiled for an establishment so fresh, and the space itself is delightfully dark and medieval.

I sampled the fried okra off the food menu, which now stands as my favorite bar snack in town, a generous portion of perfectly battered and fried vegetable seasoned well and not yielding an ounce of crunch to added Louisiana hot sauce. Other options on the extensive dinner and happy hour menus are promising, spanning every dietary restriction and price point. Church's specialty cocktails don't try to revolutionize anything, a refreshing if uninspiring approach—the Hang Your Cross, featuring Bulleit Rye, Fernet, angostura, and Ferrand Dry Orange Curacao is the spirit-forward punch in the mouth that you should expect when ordering, not fussing around with subtlety for a second. The Great Fire offered more balance and just as much fun with a lively mix of Tequila, lime, grapefruit, sugar, dill, and cayenne. Other drink options are as varied as the edible side, from $3 beers to some stellar French and Italian wines by the glass and everything in between. Church already trumps most bars in town in terms of versatility of offerings—it would be just as easy to spend $6 for a beer and a snack as it would $30 for a full dinner and wine. Check it out before it gets incredibly busy—I promise you, it will.

• Clare Gordon
• The darkest Church you'll ever visit.

In case you haven't heard, bartender Steve Grimm of the Pearl District's Bluehour nearly caught his whole bar on fire last week while he was working with high-proof spirits near an OPEN FLAME (also known as a candle). He suffered the worst for his folly, with first and second degree burns and an overnight stay at the hospital. Naturally this puts him out of commission for a minute and costs a pretty penny—and like the majority of service industry workers, poor Steve must therefore rely on the kindness of others rather than good old-fashioned safety nets like health insurance. Aforementioned "others" include his friends at neighboring bars/restaurants and his very own place of work.

Order a Mariachi at Bluehour through the rest of the month and 100% of proceeds go to patching up Mr. Grimm. Involving a delicious combination of Milagro Blanco tequila, Pernod absinthe, orange flower water, lime, and agave nectar, this drink will make you thank a sorry situation for the excuse to order a second. Across the street,Riffle NW is offering to donate all proceeds from any drink made with Dogwood Distilling's DL Franklin Vodka as well, and while I haven't discovered exactly what it is yet, Oven & Shaker will also offer something similarly awesome. So grab a tall cocktail with a little extra ice for those burns, and wish this guy luck in avoiding similarly flaming incidents in the future.

• Brandon Josie
• Riffle NW's tribute offer