Headline of the moment:

Disney expands refunds on `Baby Einstein' DVDs

The mighty Oregon Liquor Control Commission (OLCC) just can't keep up with Facebook. The state's 49 liquor inspectors had a hard enough time keep track of whether Oregon's roughly 10,000 booze vendors were sticking to the archaic state happy hour advertising rules when it was just sandwich boards and posters they had to keep an eye on. Now, with more Oregon restaurants and bars advertising their specials on Twitter, Facebook and national websites it's impossible for the inspectors to keep pace. Today the OLCC took the first step toward rewriting the 80s-era advertising restriction to finally bring the laws into sync with modern times.

Right now, if a bar hangs so much as a "$4 Jagerbomb Brunch" sign outside their window, they could be hit with a three day liquor license suspension or fined $495. Under the draft of the new rules, establishments of intoxication could advertise happy hours... as long as there no are specific "dollars and cents" prices attached. So "$4 Jagerbomb Brunch" would still be a punishable advertisement, but "Cheap Jagerbomb Brunch" or "Very Special Jagerbomb Brunch" would be a-okay.

Under both the current and revised rules, bars can advertise happy hour food specials all they want. That, of course, explains how three friends and I wound up with a $55 tab at Hungry Tiger Too's $1 vegan corndog night (true story).

Personally, I think the revision is still overly cumbersome and unenforceable—the inspectors are still going to have to troll through bars' Myspace pages to see if there's any reprehensible dollar signs. Like the old law, this one would either bog down the inspectors or become a very sporadically-enforced law entirely. The public process for changing the laws is a long one, though, and the revision could look much different once it comes out of the public hearing grinder sometime in 2010.

The Sexist has a horrific rundown of the worst sexy Halloween costumes of all time. I knew things were bad but, but... this goes far beyond sexy Hermione Granger.

• Camille Toe

• Sexy.... border patrol agent?

• "Down for the Count"

My Halloween prediction: gaggles of girls in sexy Finding Nemo costumes will get lost in Old Town and wind up outside that hentai theater next to VooDoo donuts. Things will turn real creepy real fast.

HT to Jessica Wakeman.

Seems like many of the most enjoyable times in my life start with me saying something along the lines of, “I don’t know much about…” the ellipses being filled with any number of things that I do not know much about.

The best thing about not knowing much about a thing is that you get to learn about said thing. Learning in my line of work generally means eating, drinking, listening patiently, and doing some book readin’. While I love the book-type research, I’d have to say eating and drinking is by far my favorite way to learn.

So, let’s take it from the top. “I don’t know much about… Sake.”

I’m essentially a sake numskull. I know it can be unfiltered and cloudy. I know it can be filtered and clear. I know it can have a surprisingly dynamic flavor profile. I know it’s brewed from rice. I know it can fuck you up. That’s about it.

One of my favorite books Alcoholica Esoterica notes that sake was traditionally made by aid of the entire village, which would start the brew by chewing rice, spitting it into a tub, and allowing the enzymes to do their thing. Gross, interesting, but not helpful in understanding more about sake..

I think it’d be best to learn by drinking.

If you’re in the same boat, Tanuki wants to give you something of an education beginning tomorrow (Nihonshu no Hi—International Sake Day—the start of the sake brewing season) and running through Saturday.

All three days in the cozy confines of Tanuki, you’ll be able to choose from a selection of premium sakes from brewer Huchu Homare. Here’s a description of one option (from the Tanuki press release):

Watari Bune Junmai Ginjo “55” Floral, fruity, funky and complex, it accurately precludes the matching flavors of this sake. It finishes lively to the end, with a bright, snappy acidity. Great on its own, an apogee of ginjo sake, showing how nihonshu can rival any beverage for complexity, showmanship, depth and range.

Yeah! In your face, wine! Booyah!

What’s even better than premium sake at Tanuki is the fact that all week you can stop in for $1 pours of the good stuff, which means that school is in session, and it’s looking pretty inexpensive.

Oh, and there’s also a special chef’s omikaze menu if you’d like something to go along with your sake. Just putting that out there.

Tequila!

Last night I met this man:

That dashing fellow is Clayton Szczech. He’s the brain and brawn behind Experience Tequila. Szczech hosts tequila tastings around our fair city. He also organizes and leads ridiculously affordable tours to the heart of the tequila producing lands in… Lemme see here… Tequila, Jalisco, which totally makes sense

Clayton kindly brought eight bottles of Tequila to my house and preceded to drop his knowledge. He talked at length about history, distilling methods, and the characters behind this fantastic spirit. We sampled. We were not spitting. I got a bit drunk.

If I know you, you're gearing up to smoke some crack this weekend. My advice? DON'T DO IT. Though you don't have as much going for you as Eddie (the protagonist in this video), I'd still like to see you do something with your life. Like maybe finish that solar-powered boat?

No pizza in heaven, yo.
Halo tips to Everything is Terrible!

Okay, this beats the time I called 911 from my third floor apartment because there was a burning car outside. (Blame the movies! In a movie I would have been burnt to a crisp and decapitated by flying shrapnel!) BTW, the visuals are a little misleading. Car with padlock is not the actual car in question.

Thanks Dee!

You all know how much we at the Mercury adore the Enchanted Forest. So it's with equal measure of pride and joy and trepidation and protectiveness that I found out that BarFly is making one of its infamous bus trips down to the treasured landmark attraction on Sunday Sept 27. On the one hand, sounds like fun, and an affirmation of my belief that the Enchanted Forest should by right be fully embraced by Portlanders in all its idiosyncratic, DIY glory. On the other hand, it sounds like a big crowd of pre-funked adults traipsing through the landscape of children's nightmares. Any which way, you can get a ticket to ride the 21+ bus here.

• From the Ft. George blog
• Not a Ball jar

Of all the brew I swilled during my month of Oregon beer, I’d say that the most consistently pleasing came out of Fort George Brewery in Astoria. Over the month of July I tried the ultra-summery hop-less Spruce, which used pine tips in place of hops, the smoky Illuminator dopplebock with its pop-tart tones of fruit and wheat, and the dry effervescent raspberry goodness of Divinity.

Most importantly, when I visited the Fort George brewpub, I discovered Vortex, my all time favorite IPA. Here’s what I wrote:

Vortex is extraordinary on the palate. The first sip brings a bold hit of chocolate, with a little of that hops dopiness, like you just bit the corner off a pot brownie. Then, a rolling fruitiness rises with raspberry and banana tones. Along with the fruit comes a wave of bitterness. But the awesome thing about the bitterness is its wave-like quality—it comes on slow, peaks, and fades, leaving very little mouth drying astringency.

If you haven’t had a chance to sip any of the beer coming out of Fort George, stop by Green Dragon [928 SE 9th] tonight to meet the brewers and sample some of their refreshments.

They’ll be sampling Vortex, Divinity, a wit called Quick, and Spank’s Stout, a very intriguing chili stout brewed with “30 pounds total of Pasilla, Anaheim, Jalapeno and Habanero peppers.”

The event kicks off at 6 pm. I’ll probably bring my Fort George Ball jar “growler” and beg them to fill it with Vortex. Who knows, maybe they will.

A harmless log throwing contest quickly turns to genital tragedy when a "friend" convinces the victim to put on a blindfold, and—surprisingly—proves himself to be less of a "friend" than previously imagined. On the other hand, the "friend" does get style points for the intricate manner in which he mutilates the victim's genitals. (It should be noted that the previous sentence has never been uttered in the history of humankind.)

Mutilated tips to Buzzfeed.

Tonight at the Matador on Burnside, bartender Laura Caroll will be working her last shift. She’s been behind the bar at the storied Portland watering hole since 1970, pouring drinks for the thirsty dive bar denizens of Portland’s Westside. She’s worked through three changes of ownership, and has probably seen more hip young people try to hook-up than any other bartender in town. She’s probably watched a few barflys bite the dust too.

Earlier today I spoke with Matador owner Casey Maxwell about Caroll’s retirement. “She’s a hard worker,” he said. “She can still outwork most of us.”

He’d love to see her stay, but her family has built a home in North Carolina for her and she’s ready to move on.

“She’s part of the Matador,” Maxwell said. “This place has its own soul and she’s a part of that. It’s not going to be the same without her.”

Stop in to the Matador tonight, have a shot, and say goodbye. Oh, and you better make up for all the times you’ve stiffed her on the tip, too.

God bless you, Laura, from the bottom of the Mercury’s boozy heart!

So anyway, I'm thinking about hiring Masked Chong to defend our blog. He apparently has a cadre of Korean "Nat-si's" on his payroll, and does a pretty good job of freaking me out—even though his sweater mask makes him look like one of those CG "Alvin and the Chipmunks." However, if they're looking for a new Bond villain, I think I've found their guy. CHING-CHONG-OUT!

So what exactly are these "hackers" doing to make Masked Chong so angry? Oh, just this…

Well, the numbers below are what I have to show at the end of my Oregon craft beer month. Impressive? Nah. Fun? Hell yes!

Number of beers consumed: 47
Number of Breweries: 21
Weight Gain Loss: 5 pounds
Blog Posts: 31
Sunburns: 1
Lessons learned: Too many to count

My last beer of the month will be Black Butte XXI from Deschutes, bringing my beer total to 48 and the brewery number to 22. I’d like to thank everyone who followed the endeavor. To those who are relived that they’ll never have to see the beer month headline on the blog again: thanks for putting up with it, your scroll bar deserves a rest. Try not to celebrate to loudly.

You will find my all time Oregon Craft Beer Month favorites, a few kind words, a few reflections on the last month, and a full list of what I tasted... After the jump!

At the 12 second mark you will recoil in horror. At the 54 second mark, your sperm will dry up, or your ovaries will fall out of your vagina. At 1:47, your brain will follow your ovaries, and dash out into the middle of traffic in a panic. And at 2:39, all life on earth as we know it comes to a screeching halt. It was nice knowing you.