If someone asked me to describe the hotel experience of my dreams, I would probably talk about open bars, beachfront property and an elevator to the moon. If that person clarified by saying they didn't mean my ideal hotel experience, but literally the hotel that sometimes I dream I am in, it might look like this Nantes, France hotel that lets you " 'ham it up' hamster style."

This Christian Science Monitor article translates some of the video below if vous, like me, don't parlez Français. Let's follow along!

“It’s the possibility in 18 square meters to live an incredible experience, which is to live in a hamster’s skin. So living in the skin of a hamster, what does that mean? It means being able to put on the head of a hamster. It’s being able to eat grains like a hamster … We all know the hamster has a water bottle … You get on all fours to get to the nest like a hamster … The idea is really to live an experience, but with all the comforts of a … microwave, George who serves you coffee. Everything is here, there’s just the added ambiance of a cage and the sensation of a hamster when, for example, he runs in his hamster wheel, which is pretty funny…”

Only $148 a night! For an extra 50 euros the son of a hotel worker will put you in a microwave and see what happens. Can you afford to miss out?

I caught this ad on TV recently and was simultaneously creeped out by its content (which was the point) and impressed by its defusing of an entire world of "friendly" aggressive behavior with one handy phrase: "That's not cool."

Meanwhile in Massachusetts, a high school principal has threatened to suspend students over "meeping". From Salem News:

Danvers High parents recently got an automated call from the principal warning them that if students say or display the word "meep" at school, they could face suspension. Meep doesn't mean much, unless you are Beaker—the hapless, orange-haired assistant to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew on "The Muppet Show."

While meep may be nonsense, what it represented was no laughing matter to the high school's administration. High school Principal Thomas Murray said students were using it and other words to disrupt school in a particular part of the building on Cabot Road.

Read the full story of Meepgate here and here. (Also, following Principal Murray's Footloose-esque meep ban, Danvers High should prepare itself for several years of pep-rally cheers and valdictorian speeches composed entirely of meeps.)

A morning news anchor gets a face full of beaver urine. I don't know, man. This whole "water sports fetish" thing is just too kinky for me.

Via The Atlantic:

I really don’t give a fuck. Look, am I going to sit and weep every time a young hooker feels as though she’s been taken advantage of?

Here's the deal: Imagine for a moment that you can only parent one child for the rest of your life. And this child must be one of the kids in either of the following two videos. CHOOSE!!

The 9-year-old Peruvian girl who performs a creepily sexual shot-by-shot remake of Britney Spears' "Toxic"?

Or this kid who's like Eddie Van Halen… mmm… except on the accordion.

One of them is gonna be your kid. CHOOSE!!

Hey, remember a couple of weeks ago when that cheerleader, Arianne, killed an alligator and everyone was impressed by her ability to fit into two societal categories at once? Well hold onto your hats, because she's got competition!

Another alligator has been charged with the crimes of being big and existing. It was sentenced to be shot in the face by a 5-year-old boy. Little Simon Hughes demonstrated the motor skills to pull a trigger and was rewarded with an 800 lb., 12-foot alligator body. That almost doubles the weight of Arianne's! Check out this CNN video of Simon being adorable and terrifying.

Does our nation have room in its heart for more than one unlikely gator hunter? Clearly nobody has heard the story of my first birthday where I popped out of my mom's fallopian tube only to land on the neck of the a plesiosaur that I strangled to death. Where's my CNN fluff piece??!

• You're welcome, Nation History Museum of South Kensington

Though this story happened in Connecticut, it pissed me off all the way over here in Portland. From the AP…

A Connecticut in-line skater faces assault and other charges after a confrontation over whether a 4-year-old on a tricycle had the right to be on a bike path. Stamford police charged 43-year-old Chris Karamon with third-degree assault, risk of injury to a minor and other crimes.

Police said Karamon shouted and cursed at the boy's parents on the path in Cove Island Park. Police said he later skated into the boy's father, who was shielding his children, and threw a helmet and water bottle at him.

Police Lt. Sean Cooney said the path is for use by everyone, not just skaters.

WOW! It's just that… I never knew how much I despise in-line skaters until this moment. That's why I'm proposing a Mercury Road Trip™ to Connecticut to kill this guy. Who's with me?
(Note to sexy girls: Your in-line skating is still allowed. So is regular four-wheeled skating. And any castmember from the film Xanadu.)

According to Florida Today, Satellite Beach's Arianne Prevost killed the shit out of a 450 lb., 11 foot alligator while on a gator hunt.

It was a total archery kill," guide Peter Deeks said, adding Prevost shot the gator several times with a crossbow and finished it with a broadhead. Prevost is having the meat harvested and the gator half-mounted.

Now, I'm sorry, but this is just WRONG. There is no indication that this alligator was doing anything other than living out a long peaceful life, and for this admittedly gorgeous woman to come along and repeatedly pump multiple arrows into this thrashing humongous beast is just… just…

GodDAMMIT, erection! STAY DOWN!!

Arrow tips to Buzzfeed.

"Leotarded" makes NPR.

ULABY: And it's not just movies rethinking retard as an easy laugh. A few months ago, popular sex advice columnist Dan Savage renounced his use of the word.

Mr. DAN SAVAGE (Sex Columnist): You know, I just sat down to write the column, and I'd used the word retard in a column recently, and I was sorting through the mail and there was a handful of letters taking me to task. And I thought, all right, I won't use it anymore. I'll use a new word. I hope you like this one better.

ULABY: The new word was leotard. As in, you are totally leotarded.

Mr. SAVAGE: It was just me being a jerk, frankly. You know, I've heard people now use "the R word" in reference to retard, and it just seems so pansy-assed, if I may use that phrase.

I'm also annoyed when I hear people say "the F word." I realize that everyone wants to feel equally oppressed these days, but "retard" and "faggot" simply aren't insults on a par with "nigger," A.K.A. "the N word." And I wouldn't say that I've renounced the use of the word retard, NPR, but rather embraced "tard" as a suffix and singled dancers out for abuse.

• Hippie sham? Or ALZHEIMER'S DEATH PASTE!?

I resisted for years (I LOVE CHEMICALS), but three days ago I made the switch to hippie deodorant. And you know what? Thanks for nothing, Sir Thomas, King of All Maine! The only difference between me without greasy baking soda loaf rubbed under my arm and me with greasy baking soda loaf rubbed under my arm is a certain HINT OF UNDERARM BAKING SODA GREASINESS. I smell a sham. Sham! (Also, an armpit!)

So even though science seems to say that antiperspirant is not a serial killer (and rapist!), how come everyone else in armpit-monitoring society says it is? Is it because people love screaming? What is a lady to do? What is the answer to this quandary!? I just want someone to tell me what I should rub on my armpit (and don't say "come"—I know how you people work).

*Incidentally, my natural bouquet is something approaching Pillsbury Crescent Rolls (with a hint of rainbow!) and needs no chemical cover-up but, in fact, is currently the object of a heated bidding war between several Korean industrial air freshener corporations (I thank you kindly for the Pepperidge Farm Cornucopious Country Meat Basket™, Mr. Kim**, but all the summer sausage in the world won't change my mind). But it's the principle of the thing, you know.

**Incidentally, as founder and CEO of Kim & Sons' Original Industrial Air Freshener and Summer Sausage Emporium, Mr. Kim does produce all the summer sausage in the world.

Headline of the year:

Manatee man arrested in attempt to punish stepson with cat feces

Thanks for everything, Google alert for "feces."

Are you sick of trying to remember complicated lock combinations, or twisting cumbersome handles to get quick access to your loaded revolver? Are you tired of your idiot child NOT knowing where the bathroom is? Then by all means, store your weapons in the new Nike Gun Safe. Now getting your gun out of the top of your closet is easier than ever—so easy in fact, even your idiot child can do it! (That is, if she doesn't accidentally pee on it first, because she's too stupid to find the bathroom! HA! HAHAHAHAHA!!) Order now and also receive a horrifying clown.

Hat tips to Everything is Terrible!