Fair warning kids: If you've ever described any soldier as a "baby killer," refuse to eat meat because it's cruel to adorable lil' cows and chickens, or regularly substitute patchouli smoke and clove cigarettes for soap and water, you might wanna skip this post. This one will almost certainly contain images and content that will offend you, and may make you puke up the soy milk and garden-burger you had for lunch.

My review of Modern Warfare 2 went live moments ago, and in the text I attempt to describe a certain, now infamous mission from the game, while simultaneously doing my best to avoid dropping too much info, lest I spoil one of the most shocking, poignant, emotionally charged moments you'll find in a videogame this year.

I realized while writing the review that there are many of you who will never actually play the game for whatever reason, and will thus entirely miss out on such spectacle. Thus, in the interest of fostering an active discussion on what the mission and its contents actually mean in the greater scope of things beyond the limited capacity of 330 words in a paper n' ink institution like the Mercury, I've got a very special present for all of you, if you'll only be so kind as to follow me past the jump.

Do you love poor Italian accents and hate the historical legacy of the Borgias? Do you wish Batman wore less black and was a bit more prone to throat slitting? Do you often stay awake at night wondering why someone didn't roam the streets of Renaissance-era Venice killing people with the aid of Leonardo Da Vinci's physically impractical sketches like some kind of anachronistic Frank Castle?

• Ubisoft Montreal
• That's a spicy-a meat-a-ball!

I can't promise the video series produced by publisher Ubisoft as half advertising tie-in and half viral entertainment set piece will answer any of these questions about Assassin's Creed 2, but I can promise you'll spend the first minute of the series wondering whether these videos are all CGI or if the director just has a severe hard-on for making his real-world subjects look like they were crapped out of a computer circa 1999.

Then again, the three clips that make up Assassin's Creed Lineage are being brought to you free of charge, so any complaints you may have will have to fight their way through the smiling mobs of fun-starved poor folk eagerly lapping up the intentionally confusing storyline and un-ironic capes Ubisoft has to offer. Good luck with that.

(Post Script: If you want to bitch about my not embedding the series here or the quality of that picture, blame Ubisoft for their immensely lame website. Not only will it not allow me to embed the videos, it actively defecated on all my attempts to capture a quality image. Still, I think everyone can see that it's a dude getting stabbed, while I make a culturally insensitive comment at the cost of my own ethnic heritage. Capisce?)

I've been spending a lot of time with Dragon Age: Origins for my upcoming Merc review and after a few hours of gameplay realized that DA:O contains one specific element that I want all future roleplaying games to include.

• BioWare

Unless you're a literalist who took my headline in a really creepy direction, you probably guessed I was talking about the game offering you the chance to add a dog to your party. Not only does this virtual pup make for a really solid fighter, but in letting you name him/her and offering a surprisingly large number of suitably ambiguous "conversation" options with your new pet, you feel as much of a bond to it as you do with any of your other party members.

Hell, there might be more of a bond there since the dog is always interested in being your pal — the unconditional love of a dog for its owner is great, huh? — and only ever wants a nice pat on the head or an occasional "Good Boy!" from your main character. Unlike some of the other selfish bastards you meet who actually want you to adhere to some kind of idiotic morality system. Who says I can't stab orphans in the eyes? It's my goddamn party and I'll knife the dirty lil' urchins if I want Alistair!

With the economy the way it is, it's pretty hard not to let people know about each and every opportunity they might have for landing a job. Hence my cutting and pasting of the below email which was just sent our way, which no, I will not be investigating for legitimacy, despite the fact that it contains all of the following phrases: "Ground Kontrol," "open bar," "full-time positions," and "free games." In other words, this is either (A) the best way to get a job ever, or (B) a brilliant ruse designed to ensnare Portland's unemployed gamers and lure them out of town, Pied Piper-style.

InstantAction.com is announcing and celebrating our arrival in Portland! We'll be hosting an even at Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade where people can come to learn more about our company and about the hiring we're doing. We're looking for people in full time positions for web development, product management, user experience, data analytics and marketing who want a fun, relaxed job in the video game industry and would like to learn more over free beer and video games. What's not to love?

Here are the details:

Wednesday, November 11, 2009
6-9 PM (open bar)
Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade
511 NW Couch St, Portland OR 97209
Free Games - Free Refreshments - Op

Those interested should email iant@garagegames.com for more details and RSVP information.

If you've been playing games for longer than twenty minutes, odds are pretty good that someone (probably a woman or an elderly relative) has descended from their ivory tower of age and/or ovaries to blithely comment that you're wasting your time.

Arguing the point is useless — both age and ovaries are formidable opponents — so your only recourse is to make the point so blindingly obvious that your asshole relative/girlfriend/random bystander may as well be questioning the fashion sense of children waiting to catch the bus outside of the School For The Blind.

• Check Out These Sweet Graphics!

ODE is a simple game. You're given a white screen populated by randomly moving black pixels that you're asked to tap. Tap one and it bursts into a colorful skull. Once you're bored tapping dots, you can upload your total kill tally to the game's servers to see how many people have likewise wasted minutes exploding black dots.

And that's it. That's the whole "game."

I don't yet know if it's an ingenious commentary on simplistic game design or how easily entertained the masses are, but since it's a free iPhone game (App Store link) that I've wasted easily an hour on over the last few days, I'd say there are far worse ways to kill the hours until school/work/your depressing life comes to an end.

My review of Brütal Legend hits The Mercury later today, and since I only had 330 words to explore Tim Schafer's latest adventure game/ode to heavy metal I had to cut out a lot of the extraneous information I accrued in my notes about the game.

In theory, at least one of you will find this sort of thing interesting, so I'm compiling it all here, with no editing, no proof-reading, and an absolute minimum of extra effort.

Hit the jump for a convenient list of Brütal Legend trivia that will never, ever help you impress any member of the opposite sex.

What do you get when you combine legendary game designer Warren Spector (Deus Ex, Wing Commander), Mickey Mouse and the most insidious paintbrush since Vincent Van Gogh stabbed his own ear off?

• Epic Mickey?

The long-rumored "Epic Mickey" that, as of earlier today, is no longer a rumor.

So what do we know of the game? Not much. That image up there — well, aside from the Wii packaging and the text, which was all added by Internet folk — is the only official info anyone has so far seen from the Wii game. The graphic comes from the next issue of Game Informer magazine, which promises a huge exclusive to clear up burning questions like "why Mickey Mouse?" and "how many X-Men will make cameo appearances?"

Still, it's pretty easy to guess that this game is going to have a darker slant than your typical Disney fare, and that the paintbrush and globs of goo flying off of Mickey's head indicate some kind of painterly mechanic in place. Plus, Spector's penchant for crafting epic, open-world-style roleplaying games leads me to guess that it will be closer to Kingdom Hearts than, say, Gears of War.

Anyone wanna wildly speculate on how Disney plans to cash in on their trademark vermin this time?

Activision has dumped Modern Warfare 2's two-minute long "Infamy" trailer on the 'net to jubilant, resounding cries of "epic" and "I think I just peed a little."

Enjoy.

Capcom has made it official: Super Street Fighter IV is coming to the Xbox 360 and PS3 in Spring 2010.

• Capcom
• So who wants to scream 'racism' first?

Firm details on what SSFIV includes are almost non-existent, but the company has confirmed 8 new characters for the updated release. Oversized Native American stereotype T. Hawk and a Korean Taekwondo fighter named "Juri" are the only additions anyone has been able to spot, and Capcom is being coy on who the remaining six might be.

Instead of releasing the add-on as a downloadable expansion, Capcom is going to be shipping a budget-priced standalone disc to retail that Street Fighter IV owners will need to purchase to access the new content. Presumably you'll simply pop the new disc in, and never need to bother with your original SFIV disc.

Since Capcom's fighting game division is still loyal to its arcade gamer roots you can expect to hear full details on SSFIV as soon as updated arcade machines start making the rounds in Japan, or, at the very latest, when they show up at Golfland in Milpitas, CA.

• Atlus USA
• Skeletons: Often Jerks

Earlier tonight I wrote a love letter to one of my favorite gaming publishers. I love Atlus not so much for the games they produce, but for the risks they are willing to take. Whereas EA and Activision constantly return to the same tried and true formulas when releasing games, Atlus is willing to experiment, and in doing so have created a catalog of releases that is simultaneously thrilling and baffling.

Just when you think you have the company pegged as "that group that releases quirky Japanese games" they swerve left and send me something unexpected. Something like Demon's Souls.

I know, in my mind, that I'm not alone in my love for Atlus — the company is still afloat, so on some level it must be doing something right — but I don't know if anyone really loves the company like I do.

• Atlus USA
• Plus, they totally have the best swag

Ok, back up a sec ... that was stepping pretty close to creepy, "I'm under your bed, listening to you breathe" territory. I just mean that, well, if it weren't for Atlus, where would I get to live out my fantasies of being a hardassed Japanese teenager?

How would I express my need to pummel construction workers with oversized mallets?

Who would cater to my constant need to decry the various world religions as paper-thin manifestations of man's inclination to rule other men while piloting a teenage boy dressed as an overly fat bear/cat hybrid?

Atlus is the Pink Floyd of gaming publishers. Some of their games are amazingly well crafted, cerebral and stand as truly legendary creations, and others are pure bizarre experimentalism, seemingly existing solely to prove that some developer, somewhere could convince a group of moneymen to fund his pixelated mindfuck of a game.

Atlus, I salute you for having the courage to do your own thing when so many other publishers just regurgitate Tony Hawks and John Maddens all over a comatose general public (or the poor fiscal sense to know any damn better).

Backspace (115 NW 5th) really, truly loves me!

No doubt knowing that my birthday is Monday, September 21, the boys from Backspace recently emailed me about a Left 4 Dead tournament they're hosting that very night.

• Ezra Hardman
• Click for embiggening

Actually, like so many things in my life, the tournament has nothing to do with people loving me, and everything to do with good, old fashioned inter-business rivalry. I'll let Backspace's Josh Dommermuth explain the backstory:

The tournament actually stems from a talented staff member talking smack to a Ground Kontrol employee. Though it has a public face, this event represents a neighborhood competition as well. The Backspace team has been training, yes training, for the last few weeks. We
threw down the gauntlet and it has been picked up by Ground Kontrol, who is now also fielding a team. Even Ford's, the burger joint next door, has a full team that has been practicing.

There was even some hilarious drama, when one of the most talented members of the Backspace squad defected and formed his own team of friends called the Bobcats. He even had embroidered hats made for his crew with their tag: =Bobcats= and their handles.

The owners, Kris and Eric, have so much faith in us that they are putting up $100 for the team that knocks us off the ladder. Our captain, ((b)) Hungover, swears that this is impossible. And he's pretty good with an Auto-Shotty.

For those of you wondering, the tourney focuses on the PC version of Left 4 Dead. That might throw some would-be zombie killers, but since the PC version is better looking, more responsive, and has a much smaller learning curve, it only makes sense that Backspace would want people in the clickety-clacking away in the name of Our Lord George A Romero.

As you can see from the above poster there is a $40 team entry fee, but that only comes to $10 per person. If your crew beats all challengers in 4-on-4 battles you take home $100 — which is pretty good cash for a few hours slaying hyperactive undead meth freaks (even if your cut of the prize money comes to only $25.

Hey man, what are you doing tomorrow?

NO! WRONG! You're riding your bike down to Fred Meyer's or GameStop or Game Crazy or Best Buy or Fry's or Wal*Mart or wherever and you're buying a copy of Scribblenauts!

• WB Interactive Entertainment
• Dinosaurs And Worried Zombies

I know I haven't been pimping this DS game like I should have been, but I wasn't that incredibly excited about it until a few hours ago when the collective Internet piracy hivemind posted the game's entire vocabulary to the 'net, and I witnessed the true scope of a 22,802 word dictionary.

Why does a game need a vocabulary? Because Scribblenauts operates on the premise that words are magical. Not the bullshit, LeVar Burton, Reading Rainbow kind of magical, but, like, actually magical.

If you come across a tough puzzle in Scribblenauts you simply imagine something awesome, type it into the game, and poof, you've destroyed the universe with your very own Large Hadron Collider.

There is nothing not awesome about that last sentence, and the game's precious crayons-meet-watercolor aesthetics only make summoning cyborg Abe Lincoln that much more entertaining.

Expect a long, gushing review later this week.

Usually Ground Kontrol's free play night—where five bucks gets you in the door, and then you can play as many games as you want for free—only goes down on the last Wednesday of the month. But tonight? Bonus! The press release:

From 5:30PM until close tonight, you can play all the pinball and video games you want for five measly dollars! Master the Picard Maneuver on Star Trek: The Next Generation pinball, smash the top score on Tetris, all guilt free!

At 8pm, DJ Ken Dirtnap plays punk, garage, hardcore, power pop, new wave, etc. from the '70s-'00s!

What: "Bonus Round" Free-Play Party
Where: Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade, 511 NW Couch St. in Old Town
When: 5:30PM-2:30AM tonight

I mastered the Picard Maneuver once, but my girlfriend just said it "ruined the mood." Pfft. Anyway, now you now, and also, yes, I have used the above image before, and no, I don't care that I'm using it again, because I WILL NEVER GET SICK OF IT.

• Activision Blizzard
• Cobain In Pixels

It's been a long time since I could say this but, fuck yeah Courtney Love!

Remember when I told you about Guitar Hero 5's special cameo from deceased Nirvana lead singer Kurt Cobain? And do you also remember how everyone immediately blamed Courtney for selling out to publisher Activision? If her Twitter account is to be believed, that's not how it went down.

"For the record this Guitar Hero shit is breach of contract on a Bullys part and there will be a proper addressing of this and retraction," the former Hole frontwoman wrote.

"WE are going to sue the shit out of ACtivision we being the Trust the Estate the LLC the various LLCs Cobain Enterprises," she continued, before spending the next several entries responding to curious fans who shared her apparent rage at Activision's literal interpretation of Nirvana's "Rape Me."

Who knows how much any of this might be some sort of PR spin from a woman desperately clinging to the fading public perception that she still aspires to nostalgia-laced Grunge ideals, and how much of it is actual rage at a company screwing over the image of a man who was utterly terrified of exactly that happening to him and his creative works, but it's still nice to see Love go all bitchcakes on behalf of those of us who feel the same way.

Double points for Courtney if she does "sue the shit out of ACtivision" too. Frances Bean could use a totally sweet aircraft carrier.

Science has consistently proven that reading is for librarians, nerds and this puppy. Instead of giving you a wall of text, here's a wall of videos. Your eyeballs will thank you.

Nothing says sexy like Renaissance-era Venice, except maybe blood-splattered Renaissance-era Venice as viewed through a half-melted synthesizer. I'd say this was a silly way to promote a game based on murdering Italians, but it is better than having the main character shout "That's-a spicy meat-a-ball!" after every successful kill.

... and the (Not So) Mini-Review gets even less Mini.

I had one more point I wanted to tell you about Dissidia: Final Fantasy that didn't quite fit with the actual review, hence more text. I'll try to keep it brief.

• Square Enix
• Look Ma! No Load Times!

When you first insert the Dissidia UMD and fire up your PSP the game shows you three options alongside the strains of Final Fantasy's classic "Here's a Save Point" theme song. The first two, New Game and Load Game, are pretty standard, but the third is an option that I hope starts popping up in all PSP games: Install Data.

Like most PlayStation 3 and all Xbox 360 games, Dissidia gives you the option of installing a big chunk of the UMD's data to the Memory Stick your handheld normally uses to store saved games and downloadable content. Three different install options are offered (224MB, 371MB and 542MB) each of which promises to reduce the load times in-game.

PSP owners know how annoying the often way-too-long load times are on the handheld's games and listening to the system pull data off of the UMD is like crushing gravel into your ear. I never attempted to play the game without installing data to the Memory Stick, but I can attest that after selecting the largest option and sitting through a one time 45-minute-long install, the game was almost completely devoid of load times, and I only rarely had to listen to the UMD shrieking as my PSP sucked data off of its delicate face.

A gold star for Square Enix and double bonus points for any developers who lift this idea in the future.

Despite calling this a mini-review my look at the newly-released Dissidia: Final Fantasy runs a bit long. I don't quite spill over into novel territory, but after typing this whole thing I wondered where the last few hours of my life went.

• Square Enix
• Dissidia: Final Fantasy

To avoid death threats from Alison "Orphan Knife Fight" Hallett, Kiala "Furble Sodomy" Kazebee and all the other Blogtown writers who you'd wrongfully expect to be as polite as Swiss kittens, I pushed the whole thing past the jump.

Wondering how Square Enix's latest handheld thing turned out? Click the link.

Look, if I wasn't trying so hard to be disaffected I would be really pissed that Activision has drafted the likeness of Kurt Cobain into Guitar Hero 5.

You'll recall that this is the same game that features a digital replica of Johnny Cash.