• image from cardcow.com

It’s unclear to me how serious he is and what his point is, and I’m finding it hard to even explain why his article is irritating. Scratch that. His article is irritating because it’s incredibly pompous. He throws out seemingly self-deprecating jokes like how Playboy is “known throughout the world as a bastion of journalism” and how he “had survived many years of hard living, having just graduated from college with a degree in English.” (I’m assuming he’s being sarcastic here. Right?) But at the same time he seems pretty smug about the fact that he was surrounded by Double-Ds and still yawning, due to his clearly superior intellect. Then again, he admits that he couldn’t sleep with them, because “that virginal terrain was cultivated exclusively by Hef.” So... the women were useless idiots because they couldn’t carry on a conversation. But really they were useless because he couldn’t sleep with them. Had he managed to woo them with his liberal arts charm, would their lack of brains have been acceptable?

I’m not worked up about the fact that he thought the girls were dumb. Having a nice body and big boobs doesn’t mean you have an IQ to match, just as it doesn’t preclude that possibility. I bet I would have been bored, too, had my job been to interview the Playmates and write their bios. But would I have needed to tell everyone how much smarter I was and how they were soooo stupid that I couldn’t even use them to blow my load, which, come on, is their only real purpose anyway?

Good day.

Carol Burnett touched my arm the other night. Yes, the Carol Burnett who starred on Broadway, who had an 11-year-running TV variety show, who was in Noises Off (one of the funniest movies ever), who played Miss Hannigan in Annie, and who TOUCHED ME ON THE ARM.

Now, I won’t get into every little thing she-

Well, okay. She came to eat at the restaurant where I work as a hostess, and I had the privilege of showing her and her dining companions to their table. I was freaking out somewhat, especially because Ms. Burnett performed the role of Princess Winnifred in the 1959 Broadway debut of the musical Once Upon a Mattress—a role that I myself played in high school. The following is a rough transcript of our conversation:

Me: Yes.

Carol: And what’s your name, dear?

Me: (nearly hyperventilating) Ali.

Carol: Well hi, Ali! I’m Carol [oh my god, I know!!!], and this is [someone to whom I paid no attention whatsoever].

Me: (after politely saying hello to whats-her-face) Now, I was going to play it cool, but I want you to know that I was Princess Winnifred-

Carol: (gasp!) Oh! (touching my arm) Wasn’t that play so much fun?

Me: Yes! So much fun! And you know, I did some comedy in college, too, and I really appreciate strong women in comedy.

Carol: Thank you!

Me: (looking at Carol meaningfully) Thank you.

Carol: (upon receiving the menu I handed her) Thank you, Ali!

Me: (overwhelmed/flustered to the point of speechlessness)

My face was red for the next half hour, and my co-workers couldn't help but note with amusement/alarm how worked up I was. It was thrilling.

Conclusion: Carol Burnett is as adorable as she is talented and inspirational, and she looks great considering she’s 76 years old. Thank you, Carol, for touching our hearts. And my arm.

All I can say is one thing: THANK YOU GOD FOR THE BRITISH PRESS! From Blogtown Hot Tipper Ben comes this hilarious story from The Sun, which posits that Home Alone's Macaulay Culkin is the actual father of Michael Jackson's son Blanket!

Fevered speculation gripped the US after repeated claims that a "well-known Hollywood actor" donated the sperm for Blanket.

Now sources close to Jackson say the Thriller star asked Culkin for the donation to help him complete his "perfect" family.

The source added: "This isn't just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he's Blanket's father."

Not just chitter-chatter, huh? Well, I also heard some "not just chitter-chatter" that Culkin's sperm sacks are actually bone dry, and the REAL father of Blanket is really Alfonso Ribeiro!

Fine, DON'T visit Questionland. That way you can get ALL your advice from "Sharon Spencer: Relationship Counselor to the Stars!" (Actually, she really does give pretty good advice… if you can get past the horrifying dreams you'll experience after watching her dispense it.)

Tippity tips to Videogum!

Rest in peace, "Gidget"—who is perhaps better known as the "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" chihuahua. The celebrity canine passed away last night due to complications from a stroke at the ripe old age of 15. Gidget is survived by a husband, two pups, and an "El Grande Chalupa."

Amidst the velvet paintings and disco-shirted mannequins at Vendetta's Giant Gay Garage sale this weekend, I found this mysterious photo. At first I thought it was some sort of Jeff Wall-inspired arranged scene. "Where did you get this?" I asked the vendor. "I used to work at a photo lab," he explained. "That photo was so amazing that I stole it."

Here is the photo:

I have no idea what the story behind this scene could be. So, as we did the last time a photo left us speechless, I'll put the challenge to you instead: HAIKU THIS PHOTO!

HOT TIP!! A very reliable source (meaning someone engaged to someone who works at Anthropologie) has informed us that none other than cutey pa-tootie ZOOEY DESCHANEL has been shopping in downtown Portland today! Where did she go? What did she buy? I have almost as big of a girl-crush on Zooey as I do Emily Blunt, so tell me anything you know. (Photos are a big-ass plus.) (I wonder if she's here to hang out with whatshisname that she does music with or something, maybe?)

That is all.

UPDATE: He had TWO. Harrison Ford had two margaritas.

Remember this?

The war between Woody Allen and American Apparel rages on, and it's getting more and more personal. AA's defense to Allen's demand for $10 million for the unauthorized use of his image in their advertising? Well, basically, that they couldn't possibly have ruined his image worse than he did his own damn self with the whole Soon-Yi Previn fiasco.

Moreover, AA's lawyers are requesting documents surrounding the scandal of yore, including nude photos he allegedly took of Previn... They'll never get them.

But if they did how many hot seconds would it take before they were on a billboard with tube socks Photoshopped onto them?

The Portland Mercury: Your #1 source for all Rose Princess gossip! Students at Cleveland High School are miffed at the Rose Festival Association, which they say created "unnecessary fiascos" in selection of the Rose Festival princess for the home of the warriors. Today's edition of the Cleveland student newspaper devotes three articles to the Rose Princess selection, including a student-penned editorial that says the Rose Festival Association "has got some 'splainin to do."

In previous years, schools chose their princesses via a student body vote. This year, citing class time wasted on hours-long assemblies and a "popularity contest" image, the Rose Festival shook things up so now the student body vote only counts for 1/7 of the final say on who's the school princess. A six-person panel of teachers, community members and student representatives make up the rest of the vote. Unfortunately, at Cleveland, this new process turned out to be crazy competitive.

The April edition of the Cleveland Clarion is a hot read: one potential princess was controversially eliminated in an early round of votes and set up a Facebook group claiming panel bias, saying one of the voters was the best friend of another candidate. The winner of the crown fought accusations of cheating after her mother sat in the front row during her speech, holding up flashcards. "I didn't realize my mother was going to do that, it was a surprise," defends Princess Sylvia Dady in the paper, "And even if I had wanted to look at them, because I need contacts to read and I couldn't see the cards from where I was standing." The vice principal eventually launched an investigation of the whole affair, but refused to comment on the results.

Will Arrowsmith, the Cleveland senior who wrote the editorial, says the school supports Dady (whom the paper describes as "poised" and "well-traveled" and also quotes dreaming about her win the night before), “But people are mad that the Cleveland community doesn’t have much of a say about who our own representatives are. Plus, we seem to be doing a good job of choosing the winners.” Two of Cleveland's princesses snagged the city-wide queen crown in the last three years.

Rich Jarvis, of the Rose Festival, responds, “When we’re setting up a scholarship program, there should be more involved than just someone’s ability to get popular.” Each of Portland's princesses gets a $3500 scholarship. Cleveland Vice Principal Leslie Butterfield also supports the new voting system, which the Rose Festival spent a year perfecting. "The old Rose Festival process took an inordinate amount of time away from instruction. And for what?" says Butterfield, saying the new process takes 35 minutes, max, away from class time. "It's a much more equitable and wholesome process."

How did we get the scoop on this Rose Princess exclusive? The mom of the Cleveland's eliminated candidate stopped by the office, waving a copy of the Clarion. "I think it's kind of cute in an archaic way," says mom Pascale Planix Steig (a big fan of Ann Romano's column) of the Festival, "but when I find all the gears and politics behind it, it seems like a sinister process."

That's all the Rose Festival Princess Gossip for this Tuesday. Also included in the Cleveland High Clarion: this hilarious photoshopped graphic of the Seattle PI BURNING IN HELL. Thanks, kids!

As regular readers of Us Weekly, I'm sure you've heard all about Lindsay Lohan's horrible week of getting dumped by long-time gal pal Samantha Ronson (as well as the restraining orders and the lock changes). And while Lindsay definitely sounds like a handful in the relationship department, you gotta respect the pluck of someone who gets publicly shit-canned by a lover and then stars in a parody video about the experience on Funny or Die barely a week later. And it also doesn't hurt that it's FUNNY.
So without further ado, here's Lindsay Lohan's profile for eHarmony. Good luck finding that perfect… ummm… whatever.

I've had a soft spot for Woody Harrelson even before I got to hang out on his magic bus, where he taught me what a vaporizer is. I always think of him like a gentle, huggable little bear. But his recent exploits at LaGuardia airport, in which he repeatedly—albeit seemingly benignly—pushed around ("assaulted" as the victim annoyingly repeats like a broken record in the video) a pesky paparazzo, are a little embarrassing to watch.

Interestingly, Harrelson's statement regarding the incident turns the tables. Even though the video clearly shows that Woody is the one repeatedly lurching wordlessly toward the camera man, he used the excuse that he had mistook the chatterbox paparazzo for a zombie:

"I wrapped a movie called Zombieland, in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie."

This bodes well for Zombieland!

Did you know there was a THIRD Olsen Twin? ME NEITHER!!
Say hello to Lizzie Olsen—Mary-Kate and Ashley's 20-year-old little sister!

This makes me feel SO weird! Is this some kind of belated April Fool's joke? Because she could totally be one of the Olsen Triplets. Or maybe… maybe Lizzie ALSO had a twin, but it died at birth. Or maybe it was an evil twin. WAIT… or maaaaaaaybe… LIZZIE is the evil Olsen triplet who they said died at birth, so Ashley and M-K wouldn't have to the split the profits from such awesome classic flicks as How the West Was Fun!
Anyway, my world has been shaken to its core after seeing this. Yours?

from People.com:

Nicolas Cage Sells His Castle

Nicolas Cage is saying auf Wiedersehen to the Bavarian castle he bought two years ago.
...
Cage purchased the property in July 2006, in a move inspired by the German roots of his mother, Joy Vogelsang. At the time, he fell in love with the half-timbered centuries old structure saying, "I liked the architecture and the gigantic forest." He envisioned a homey residence for himself, wife Alice Kim Cage, 25, and son Kal-El, 3.
...
Cage last visited his German castle nearly one year ago, in May 2008, when he swooped in by helicopter. He still has another castle, Midford Castle, near Bath, England, which he bought in July 2007.