As the acid-tongued Ann Romano told you in this week's One Day at a Time, "butcher-knife chinned" actress Reese Witherspoon was recently arrested for getting mouthy with an Atlanta cop and pulling the "Do you know who I am?" card. HOWEVER! The story gets even more hilariously awesome when there's video to accompany it! Watch Reese shoot off her mouth ("This is just BEYOND!"), get the cuffs slapped on her, and be sure to stick around until the end of the clip when her own husband sells her down the river. NICE.

Courtesy TMZ!

Attention would-be celebrity stalkers! According to their Facebook page, actor Jason Segel—whom I adore—was spotted in Voodoo Doughnut!

• Courtesy Voodoo Doughnut

From Voodoo's FB:

What do you do before your season premiere tonight of "How I Met Your Mother?" Go to Voodoo Doughnut, of course! Thanks Jason!

NICE. Hey, if anyone sees him, ask him if he'd like to stop by the Mercury office and shake the hand that shook Sam Elliott's hand!

h/t Marissa!

Babies are such special miracles!

TMZ reports the Alaska native's girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, gave birth to Johnston's second child Wednesday, a daughter named Breeze Beretta Johnston — with the unusual middle name referencing the Italian firearm manufacturer.

This is pretty much an Every Child Needs a Mother and Father waiting to happen.

Fred Willard was arrested for lewd conduct last night in Hollywood when police allegedly caught him with his pants down in an adult movie theater ... TMZ has learned.

According to law enforcement sources, LAPD undercover vice officers went into the Tiki Theater in Hollywood and found the 78-year-old "Anchorman" star watching last night's feature ... with his penis exposed and in his hand.

Can someone in his family please introduce him to internet porn? :( + :( = :(((((

That's the headline of a Hollywood Reporter story that is packed with remarkable chunks of text. Here are some of my favorites:

Holmes appears more aggressive and fearless than those who have taken steps to distance themselves from the church or have "blown" — Scientology parlance for leaving the church — according to one-time key members of the church who have left, many after years of soul searching, and endured what they claim was often harassment, intimidation and being cut off from their families. But some of Holmes’ apparent courage could stem from the fact that many of the high-ranking Scientologists who ran interference for Cruise during his marriage to Kidman and often discouraged or intimidated mainstream media from reporting on Scientology have left the church. A number of them are now actively working against Miscavige and Cruise by spilling church secrets to the very reporters they once threatened.

"Katie ambushed Tom Cruise and in so doing outwitted some of the most controlling people on Earth," says Karen De La Carriere, who was once one of the most powerful executives in Scientology and was married to Heber Jentzsch, Scientology's longtime president who mysteriously hasn't been seen in years.

Even Rupert Murdoch tweeted this week that the church was "evil" and "creepy" in a move some saw as proof that the media should no longer fear reporting about the church. Fox News' Geraldo Rivera followed the boss’ tweet with one of his own on Monday, asking, "Does Scientology have special program to provide cover for closeted gay superstars?"

"Katie could blow Scientology wide open," says Rathbun, who was in the church for 22 years before leaving in late 2004. Rathbun, who calls himself an "independent Scientologist" and writes a candid blog popular with former members, was Cruise’s auditor and handled Cruise’s divorce from Kidman."If Tom’s smart, he won’t fight her on anything, even custody. He should just try to settle his way out of it," says Rathbun. "She could press this sole-custody issue and litigate it, and that would be the biggest nightmare in the Church of Scientology’s history. It would be a circus they couldn’t survive."

Stay tuned.

Alec Baldwin weds his 28-year-old yoga instructor girlfriend on Sunday.

After tweeting pics of his wedding bands, Alec Baldwin quits Twitter FOREVER—for the second time.

In his new Vanity Fair interview, Alec Baldwin says that at one time he wanted to do this to TMZ founder Harvey Levin:

I wanted to stick a knife in him and gut him and kill him and I wanted him to die breathing his last breath looking into my eyes."

And that's your Alec Baldwin news for this morning!

According to TMZ and multiple sources, Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from Tom Cruise—AND has asked for sole custody of their child Suri. From TMZ:

We're told Tom "did not see this coming." We're told there is some "nastiness" here, evidenced by Katie's move to get sole legal custody.

• "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

POLL TIME!

According to US Weekly, the Bristol Palin-impregnating Levi Johnston is penniless and living with his mom—which is nothing but sad until you get to this sentence:

"Levi made more than $1 million and squandered it on guns, boats and four-wheelers," the source says of Playgirl's winter 2010 cover model, 22.

Poor sad Levi Johnston, living with his mom, whose side yard is choked with guns, boats, and four-wheelers.

The 2012 job rankings by CareerCast are out, ranking the top 200 hundred jobs based on a rather complex methodology balancing work "Environment, Income, Outlook, Stress and Physical Demands." The good news and bad news is the same: There is no perfect job, and even those ranked in the top 10 may be rated exceptionally well for something like work environment and do really badly in the stress department. But cutting to the chase, the top 10 are 1) Software Engineer, 2) Actuary, 3) Human Resources Manager, 4) Dental Hygienist, 5) Financial Planner, 6) Audiologist, 7) Occupational Therapist, 8) Online Advertising Manager, 9) Computer Systems Analyst, and 10) Mathematician.

Who knew. As for the worst (from least worst to most worst): 191) Broadcaster, 192) Butcher, 193) Dishwasher, 194) Meter Reader, 195) Waiter/Waitress, 196) Reporter (Newspaper), 197) Oil Rig Worker, 198) Enlisted Military Soldier, 199) Dairy Farmer, and 200) Lumberjack.

Plan your life accordingly.

SHUDDER. From the NY Daily News:

The "Video Games" singer and Rose, 50, were spotted leaving the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood together Friday, feuling speculation that the two are more than musical colleagues. Del Rey has long admired the Guns N' Roses singer, and just last month, attended two back-to-back shows in L.A. to show her support. Prior to making it big with her controversial stint on "Saturday Night Live," the singer even recorded a song "Axl Rose Husband," in which she exhalted Rose. "You're my one king daddy, I'm your little queen," she croons on the track.

• Josephine Santos/PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Internet friends,

It's been great. I think you're swell. However, I need a little space.

I'm going to be taking off from the Mercury for three months to work on a book about relationships. Whenever I look for relationship advice, wandering distraught and slightly drunk through Powell's Red Room on a Friday night, I'm reminded that most relationship books are horrible. I can't think of anyone I know who wants their romantic life to center around snagging a man and an engagement ring. What about a little help, please, for those of us who don't want to define success by two kids, a holy union, and a minivan?

So, I'll be spending the next three months interviewing smart sex and gender writers (and lots of other people, too) about how they make decisions in relationships and compiling their life lessons into a book that spells out rules for relationships that aren't based on religion, tradition, or "thou shalt not."

This means I'll be in Blogtown exile for three months. I'll still be doing a weekly sexual politics columns, though, and I'll still be on the internet all the time, every day. Try to be nice to my enthusiastic replacement, Alex Zielinski. If anyone wants to get really-short-notice-sort-of-goodbye drinks, I'd love to see you at Give a Shit Happy Hour tonight!

Hugs,
Sarah Mirk