Behold the most astonishing Craigslist you will see today. I shall copy it in full, because it may very well be a joke—it's that incredible—and if that's the case, it will probably get taken down pretty soon. (Here's the link to it.)
If it is a fake, well done. If it is not... sweet Jesus. I will review the shit out of this band if they ever start playing shows.
NICKELBACK TRIBUTE SEEKING THE RADDEST BASS PLAYER (Clackamas)
Chad Kroeger and Daniel Adair are looking for our Mike Kroeger to play bass in the raddest Nickelback tribute band ever! Kick lameness to the CURB and prepare to take THE STATE fucking hostage, as we take this DARK HORSE down THE LONG ROAD of awesomeness HERE AND NOW for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS. . .. . .We are gonna hit the stage SILVERSIDE UP with a tribute to Nickelback releasing their double album of greatest hits. Lets grab Portland and Seattle by the balls!!! No one admits it but the fact is everyone secretly loves Nickelback. . ...It's like Jim Gaffigan says, "how did Mcdonalds sell a billion cheeseburgers if no one ever eats there???" I say the same to all you fuckin' hipsters! How did the greatest band in the world that everyone loves to hate, sell over 50 million records if no one likes them. . .. . .I have the panache and the tones of Chad down pat. I have studied his succulent mastery of rock and can pull off all of his amazing rock moves right down to his lion mane of golden curly hair. I will grab your girlfriend by the throat and softly sing her white trash sexual innuendos in my sultry Canadian baritone, while playing lightning out of my Mesa triple rectifier of doom. My drummer has worshipped at the altar of 3 Doors Down and then followed Daniel as he metamorphosed into the hard rock equivalent of multiple female orgasms that is Nickelback. . ...We just need the best Bassist in Portland!
I have some requirements:
must not be really old (like 38 or something)
NO hipsters, if you like PBR you are out!!
No hipster mustaches, even if they look good from multiple angles
No girls at practice! leave Yoko at home, she can come flash her titties at shows!
No Gays, No offense, we love the gays....but Nickelback practices a heterosexual conservative Christian Canadian lifestyle
MUST BE AWESOME, we are and so must you be!
So if you have an amazing bass rig, look like a rockstar, and know you need to be part of something that is bigger than life itself email us
Man oh man do Republican commenters hate the Senate's shutdown deal. Here's a sampling of comments from the National Review story about the deal:
McConnell and Boehner are finished as Leaders!
McConnell may not return at all and Boehner will be replaced by a leader not an establishment pimp!!
Cruz September 19: "I will do everything necessary and anything possible to defund Obamacare."
Cruz October 16: paraphrasing Meatloaf "I'll do anything to defund, but I won't do that!"
Maybe I can understand why they don't want to hit the debt ceiling, but why on earth do we have to cave on the shutdown at the same time? Couldn't we just pass a clean debt CR and continue the shutdown?
Can't think of a more disgraceful surrender. Shame on Boehner, McConnell, and all other RINO traitors. What the hell was this all for?
Any deal with Harry Reid is a deal with the devil. Shame on you, McConnell.
Shut it down again in January !! Yessss!!!!!!
And the National Review is basically the presentable Republican opinion site. Below are some comments from a story on Glenn Beck's Huffington Post rip-off The Blaze about Ted Cruz saying he won't block the deal. The baseline feeling among the commenters is that America is dead. It only gets worse from there... check it out, after the jump.
Despite some expected harrumphing from the Oregonian's editorial board—which wrote an exaggerated piece this week defending Walmart as an unfairly maligned target of misguided progressives—the Portland City Council this morning unanimously and enthusiastically followed Commissioner Steve Novick's lead and agreed to stop investing city assets in Walmart.
"This may seem like a little thing," Commissioner Amanda Fritz said when voting "aye." "But what if everyone did it. Then it would be a big thing."
Novick's proposal this morning was two-fold. It would adopt city guidelines for socially responsible investments, leading up to a continually curated "do not buy" list of corporations that the council decides fall short. The other piece was creating a temporary list consisting solely of Walmart—based on Novick's sense of what those guidelines might eventually consider.
In making his case for a Walmart ban—Walmart-bashing has historically been a popular sport in some corners of city hall—Novick invoked all the usual reasons why reasonable people might try avoiding doing business with the place. A bribery case in Mexico. Tax avoidance allegations. Abuse of workers—like a decision to cut hours to avoid health care costs.
Novick makes the case that extreme tax avoidance, setting up foreign subsidiaries as part of a legal shell game to hide money, hurts Portland because it reduces money the federal government can rely on when meting out community grants for programs like affordable housing construction.
If you're American, you love two things: 1) Shit-kickin' country music and 2) delicious, steaming bowls of chili! Now these two deeply American things come together in one awesome local event—the Portland Mercury's Chili Jamboree!
We're bringing together spicy, savory, slow-cooked chili from Portland's best celebrity chefs, and adding a full deck of boot-scootin' country bands—and we mean the GOOD kind of country—for a party your mouth and ears won't ever forget. Taste 'em all, then vote for the chili champ, who'll be awarded the first-ever, highly coveted Chili Belt. There's also beer and cocktails, music from Lucero, Sturgill Simpson, and more, plus delicious pie from Mary Casaneve Sheridan of the Honey Pot! Country music, chili, and pie? This is WHY you live in America.
And we're talking about some of Portland's top chefs, including those from Smallwares, Podnah's Pit, Smokehouse 21, Ned Ludd, Castagna, and more! This is gonna be a super fun all-day event, and even if you can't stay for it all, you can buy tickets for whatever part of the day you're most interested in! BECAUSE WE LOVE YER BUTT.
As with practically every Mercury event, this is gonna sell out. So get your reduced tickets here and now, and come to the show with an empty tummy!
The Portland Mercury Chili Jamboree
Sunday, 10/6 at 2pm - Close
Mississippi Studios, 3939 NE MIssissippi
As a gleeful, unapologetic fan of James Franco—the Best Supporting Actor Oscar that he should have won for Pineapple Express shall be his for Spring Breakers, JUST YOU WATCH*—you basically don't need to say anthing else to get me to go to a movie than "evil hillbilly Franco." But then you say "Jason Statham"? And then you say... okay, nobody's that excited about either Kate Bosworth or Winona Ryder. But still. EVIL HILLBILLY FRANCO.
Pret-ty sure this'll make for an excellent double feature with As I Lay Dying.
*No it won't. But it should be.
Here's a quaint little tale from the Portland Police Bureau about a couple of constitutional scholars who thought it would be educational to strut around Sellwood with a pair of assault rifles strapped to their backs. BECAUSE, HEY, HOW COULD ANYONE MAYBE GET THE WRONG IDEA?
Yes, it's legal to open carry. But that doesn't mean it can't also be a dick move in so many ways.
This afternoon, Wednesday January 9, 2013, at 1:49 p.m., Portland Police officers assigned to Central Precinct responded to the report of two men carrying assault rifles on their backs in the area of Southeast 7th Avenue and Spokane Street.
Officers arrived in the area and contacted the two men, both age 22, and confirmed that they were carrying rifles openly on their backs. Officers also confirmed that both men were valid Concealed Handgun License (CHL) holders in Oregon.
The armed men told police that they were exercising their 2nd Amendment rights and hoping to educate the public.
Officers explained to the men that they would likely continue to generate 911 calls from an alarmed public, which would require a police response, but neither man seemed interested in these concerns.
The Portland Police Bureau would like to remind the public that the open carrying of firearms is legal in Oregon, and carrying a concealed firearm is legal with a valid CHL; However, doing one or both may generate 911 calls to police by an alarmed member of the public and that call will generate a police response, possibly tying up resources that are needed elsewhere to respond to true emergencies.
The Portland Police Bureau asks that members of the public who see people armed with guns to immediately call 911.
In upper state New York resides a living legend. His name? Bimzie. His hobby? Knocking down farm silos with a sledgehammer. His warning? Don't try this at home. You ain't Bimzie.
Bimzie don't fuck around.
It's hilarious when a hillbilly accidentally catches a shark while fishing. Why? THEY TALK FUNNY!
Here's an old-timey column dug up by Dangerous Minds that was originally published in the now defunct tabloid The New York Daily Mirror. Today's subject: Women spanking.
Somehow I feel like the jury was loaded in this scenario, and needs a Blogtown poll to fairly settle the question.
The discovery of the Higgs Boson is big news indeed, but it may make your head hurt the day after drinking all day in the sun.
So if you just want some laughs, make sure to follow @HerpDerpParticle on Twitter, as they retweet religious people interpreting the discovery of the so-called "God Particle" as proof of the existence of God.
I'd like to make fun of this... but he's right. IT JUST WORKS.
What follows is a hillbilly asshole firing his shotgun into a yard sign that opposes North Carolina's Amendment One (another one of those tedious "one man, one woman marriage" amendments). Joe. My. God. picked it up on his blog, and now not only is it going viral, but this half-wit drooling hayseed may go to jail. From Joe:
I have spoken to the Kannopolis, North Carolina police department and they are looking into what will be classified a crime if the shotgun was fired onto property that includes a home or business.
And apparently everything is fine:
Nugent said in a statement after the meeting: "I met with two fine, professional Secret Service agents in OK today. Good, solid, professional meeting concluding that I have never made any threats of violence towards anyone. The meeting could not have gone better. I thanked them for their service, we shook hands and went about our business."
Maybe the Secret Service realized that any threat coming from Ted Nugent is an empty one? After all, this is the schmuck who shat and pissed his own pants for ten days straight in order to dodge the Vietnam draft. Big tough guy, that Nuge.
This "rivalry" that Portland supposedly has with Seattle is a goddamn joke. We're better in practically every conceivable way, and they know it. HOWEVER! It has come to my attention (via Bethany over at Slog) that Seattle is on the cusp of getting... THEIR OWN "HOT TUB BOAT" COMPANY. Hot Tubs! Inside a boat! That you can ride around in!
From the Hot Tub Boats site:
Imagine navigating the waters of Lake Union with sweeping views of the Seattle skyline while lounging in a luxurious soaking tub.
The boat can accommodate up to six persons while underway, and eight at dockside. It is powered by an almost silent electric motor at approximately 4 to 6 knots. Each hot tub boat is equipped with built in dry storage and two coolers.
The Hot Tub Boat Company is expected to start renting Hot Tub Boats to Seattlites by "Summer 2012." THIS AGGRESSION SHALL... NOT... STAND. What follows is a slightly amended speech first made by President John F. Kennedy in 1961.
Now it is time to take longer strides—time for a great new Portland enterprise—time for this Portland to take a clearly leading role in Hot Tub Boat achievement, which in many ways may hold the key to our future on Earth.
Recognizing the head start obtained by the Seattlites with their advanced Hot Tub Boat technology, which gives them many months of lead-time, and recognizing the likelihood that they will exploit this lead for some time to come in still more impressive successes, we nevertheless are required to make new efforts on our own.
I believe that this Portland should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of sending a man onto the river in a Hot Tub Boat and returning him safely to the land.
We choose to build a hot tub boat. We choose to build a hot tub boat in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard!
LET'S... BUILD... A... HOT TUB BOAT!! RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
I don't know... IT'S FRIDAY. So I figured you'd enjoy seeing some totally safe-for-work* hillbilly pornography featuring a farmer getting a "goat massage." You may be thrilled or disappointed that there is a "happy ending" —in that the farmer isn't killed by the goats. (Though I'm pretty sure those are poops on his back. Old farmer dude? YOU AM KINKY!!)
* While there are no dirty words, the audio for this thing sounds EXTREMELY FILTHY out of context.
I'm sure it comes as no surprise that many of you are emotionally stunted. (Yeah, I didn't think I'd get much of an argument about that one.) And since many of you forgot to get valentines for your loved ones and co-workers, I'm once again riding to the rescue with some suggestions.
Drag any of following valentines on to your desktop, print them out, write some erotic poetry on the back, and deliver. IT'S THAT SIMPLE. (I've added some sample erotic poetry to each, just in case you're artistically stunted as well. YOU'RE WELCOME.)
MORE AFTER THE JUMP!
While I doubt that Eastbound & Down (starring Danny McBride as ex-baseball megastar Kenny Powers) will ever touch the dizzying heights of hilarity reached in season one, I'm certain I'll still watch every episode in season three. Because... confederate flag boogie board.
Eastbound & Down season three debuts Sunday, February 19.
As hinted at yesterday, Dale Peterson is the scariest man on the planet.
The bane of being a highly educated city is that the true nutbag politicians won't even try to get elected here. (Which makes our elections so much less interesting.) Example: Meet Kathy Peterson, an Alabama native running for President of the Public Service Commission (WHO GIVES A "RIP" ABOUT ALABAMA!!) and her incredibly frightening husband Dale Peterson. Both are hilariously aggressive... and though this ad is a tad long, DO NOT MISS the stinger at the end for a truly WTF moment.
As you may have heard, Lowe's (the big box hardware store) has pulled their advertising from a TLC show titled All-American Muslim—a reality program about a family of Muslims in Dearborn, Michigan who (surprise!) are just like you and me. And while Lowe's has taken a significant amount of justified crap because of their myopic decision (based almost entirely upon pressure from the Christian right), at least they have the support of their hillbilly clientele. Here are just a few examples of comments from their Facebook page:
Portland's home to some great haunted houses (Fright Town, Scream at the Beach, the corn maize), but if you've exhausted the local supply and feel like going a little bit further afield, look no further than Milburn's Haunted Manor. Located in
BFE Hubbard, OR, about half an hour outside of town, Milburn's is at the end of a series of long, dark roads from I-5, surrounded by empty expanses of field. Tonight from 7-10 pm is your last chance to experience Milburn's three haunts (Haunted Manor, Wicked-Wood Forest, and The Dark) this year, and what makes it worth the drive is the fact that all of the characters—who get up in your face, call you by name, and politely give you directions as you careen in hysterical laughter/fear around its dark, tight spaces—are high school drama kids. GOLDEN. While technically these kids are operating with a lower production value than something as polished as, say, Fright Town, they make up for the comparable lack of fancy props with enthusiasm and improv, plus lots of chainsaws, a couple zip lines (buzzing the heads of visitors is easily the best job on site), and nearly constant scares. My expedition last night involved much clutching of others' clothing and screaming and cracking up. If that ain't what Halloween is about I don't know what is.
Stuff like this:
Yesterday on Fox & Friends (they have friends?), country music faux patriot Hank Williams Jr.—the acclaimed author of the Monday Night Football theme—was valiantly trying to say something smart about the current GOP race... aaaaaand the best he could do was to compare Obama to Hitler. (Watch all of this if you can, because it's hilarious/scary/scalarious, but the pertinent stuff starts at the 1:25 mark.)
"While Hank Williams, Jr. is not an ESPN employee, we recognize that he is closely linked to our company through the open to Monday Night Football. We are extremely disappointed with his comments, and as a result we have decided to pull the open from tonight's telecast."
Now, according to TMZ, Hank is issuing a half-assed apology for his statement:
Williams Jr. says, "Some of us have strong opinions and are often misunderstood. My analogy was extreme — but it was to make a point. I was simply trying to explain how stupid it seemed to me - how ludicrous that pairing was."
He continues, "They’re polar opposites and it made no sense. They don’t see eye-to-eye and never will. I have always respected the office of the President.”
Williams Jr. adds, "Every time the media brings up the tea party it’s painted as racist and extremists — but there’s never a backlash — no outrage to those comparisons… Working class people are hurting — and it doesn’t seem like anybody cares. When both sides are high-fiving it on the ninth hole when everybody else is without a job — it makes a whole lot of us angry. Something has to change. The policies have to change.”
For the record, Hank Williams Jr. only cares about the "working class" because they are the people he exploits. Also for the record, "We know exactly what you meant, so fuck you, Hank Williams Jr, you blithering hayseed hillbilly."
I'll have to check out his blog when I have some time.
FINALLY! Someone has spoken out against the harsh realities of the internet, the damage it can do to one's psyche, and is READY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I sense a groundswell here, people! We DO NOT have to put up with people hacking into our accounts! We DO NOT have to listen to our grandsons pitching a tantrum in their bedrooms! We DO NOT have to find ourselves at the mercy of evil people on the internet ever again! WHY?? Because Grandma is calling THE INTERNET POLICE! (What's the number for the internet police again?)
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