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Holiday

Friday, April 3, 2015

Easter's New Cutting Edge Marketing Strategies!

Posted by the Easter Bunny on Fri, Apr 3, 2015 at 9:59 AM

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Wanna know what cracks my eggs? People who forget the true meaning of Easter. In case you've forgotten, I've been delivering baskets of treats to children for centuries... and yet? Apparently I'm "BORING" now! I guess I'm "UNCOOL" now! Suddenly candy and hard-boiled eggs aren't "HIP" now!

How do I know this? Well, according to my nephew Whiskers, my social media numbers are, quote, "in the shitter." And if I want to "change the Easter paradigm," and create "synergy between my customer base and deliverables," I have to develop a "dynamic, optics-based strategy." Look, I don't know what the fuck any of those words mean. I'm the Easter Bunny. But something's got to give, so here are a few of the new programs that I guess I'm going to "roll out" this Easter:

Laser-Focused Social Media Branding: Whiskers thinks I should be more of a "thought leader" on Twitter, whatever that is. I also need to use more "hashtags," and say things like "oh hai!" and "bae" and "feels," which I'm pretty sure aren't even real goddamn words. Kids are also supposedly big fans of "Snapchat" these days... so I guess I'll be handing out Snapchats instead of jellybeans? I'm pretty confused about what's going on here.

A Fresh, Streamlined Logo: Wait. I don't think I have a logo. Do I have a logo? I don't have a logo.

Appeal to the Younger Demographic: Whiskers has assigned me "Peepz," a new marshmallow Peep "sidekick." "Peepz" wears sunglasses, a sideways baseball cap, and says things like, "If I told you where I hid the eggs, I'd have to kill you." WHAT? Whiskers also informed me that "pugs have more Instagram appeal than bunnies," and I should deliver "bacon instead of chocolate." WE CAN'T CHANGE OUR GODDAMN SPECIES, WHISKERS. ALSO, WE'RE JEWISH.

CONTINUE READING>>>

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

And Now, Perhaps the Finest St. Paddy's Day News Blooper You Will Ever See

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Mar 17, 2015 at 1:59 PM

In this sure-to-be-a-classic news blooper, a reporter introduces... ummm... someone who is doing something to her vagina... ummm... in front of a bunch of kids. HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY, EVERYBODY!

UPDATE: The video was taken down... but here's the money shot.

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Friday, January 2, 2015

Your Christmas Wasn't as Good as This

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Jan 2, 2015 at 2:14 PM

This is hilarious, and yet makes me despondent... because I know I will never experience a reaction as pure and as joyful as the one this teenager has after receiving One Direction tickets for Christmas. (I might for an N*SYNC reunion, though!)

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Don't Do New Year's Eve Wrong!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Dec 31, 2014 at 10:59 AM

If you're not celebrating New Year's Eve like this vintage movie theater intermission clip suggests... YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

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Saturday, December 27, 2014

How To Not Sound Like Glenn Beck: A Mandatory PSA from Phoebe Robinson and Jessica Williams

Posted by Megan Burbank on Sat, Dec 27, 2014 at 11:28 AM

I saw a LOT of holiday shows this holiday show season, and in one cringe-inducing moment in one such show, a character made a Kwanzaa joke. This was weird for a number of reasons that I think are best explained in this video. You may remember Phoebe Robinson, a very funny lady based in Brooklyn, from this year's All Jane No Dick comedy festival. Here, she joins forces with Jessica Williams, Best Person™ on the Daily Show, to explain exactly what's wrong with "jokes" like that. Don't worry, it's funny and will only make you feel like an asshole if you deserve it:

Just remember—the holiday season may be over, but not being a jerk never goes out of style!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Trailer for the Black Mirror Christmas Special...

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Dec 24, 2014 at 10:59 AM

... ummm... which you probably can't watch unless you're in either a relatively small group of people, or a goddamn thief. Why? Because unless you live in England, like to steal stuff off the internet, or are a DirecTV subscriber, you won't be able to watch the Black Mirror Christmas Special tomorrow on Christmas day. Here in the states, this 90 minute long creepy special will only be broadcast on DirectTV's Audience Network at 9:30 pm on December 25. Why should you give a flip? Because the British series Black Mirror (which you can watch on Netflix) is AWWWWESOME! Here's a bit I wrote about it in I Love Television™:

Black Mirror (Netflix, all the damn time). You've probably already had seven to you should believe them! This British sci-fi anthology series (which is like The Twilight Zone for techno-paranoids) tells new stories every episode about the awesomeness and terror of modern-day technology—and I'd tell you more, but it would just take away from the beauty and horror of what you're gonna witness. Just watch it and thank me—and those other seven to nine people.

And the Black Mirror Christmas Special is shaping up to be just as creepily wonderful. Here's what Slate says about it:

Our protagonist, Matthew, is played pitch-perfectly by Jon Hamm in grinning, slightly smarmy mode. As the episode begins, he has been holed up in an endless snowstorm with Joe (Rafe Spall), a laconic, fragile man, for five years, and they are all but ignoring each other. But today is Christmas, there’s a holiday song on the radio, and Matthew wants to chat while cooking a Christmas dinner—anything would be preferable to the boredom. What then unfolds are three distinct stories embedded within the larger narrative frame of their conversation. The first makes clear what Matthew is doing in this frigid place, the second depicts his former day job, and the third explains what Joe is doing there as well, all three stories interlocking and building upon one another with increasingly elegant horror.

I'm sure it will come to Netflix eventually, but if you have a chance to catch it now? CATCH IT NOW. In the meantime, watch the rest of Black Mirror on Netflix—especially if your preferences run toward a "dark Christmas."


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Only Christmas Medley You'll Ever Need (or Want)

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Dec 23, 2014 at 2:29 PM

Behold this clip from the 1976 Sonny and Cher Christmas Special, featuring the following:

• Sonny and Cher (at that time, divorced)
• Bernadette Peters
• Captain Kangaroo (!)
• Shields and Yarnell (trigger warning alert: mimes)
• Poor little awkward Chastity Bono
• And the moment starting at 2:05 which makes it allllll worth it.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYBODY!

Ghosts, Murder, and Sentient Candy: Here Are the Holiday Shows You Still Have Time To See

Posted by Megan Burbank on Tue, Dec 23, 2014 at 12:14 PM

Holiday theater season isn't over yet! Many of this year's best and most imaginative/strange holiday shows have already closed (farewell, Rudolph, and SANTA, Liminal's tale of Christmas and DEATH). You'll have to wait until next year for delightful stop-motion animation acted out by actual people—and maybe until never for Liminal's next holiday play, if their about-yearly production schedule is any indication. But cheer up! Here are some shows you still have time to see:

The Second City's Twist Your Dickens! at Portland Center Stage: Twist Your Dickens' mean-spirited holiday spirit is completely infectious right up until it isn't. From our review: "Roasted throughout: people who have MFAs (fair game), children with rickets (maybe not so much), overzealous audience members hoping for a Dickensian production free from anachronisms (sure), George Bailey (well deserved), the prevalence of orphaned children in literature and pop culture (seriously WHY), and the strange fact that one of the most celebrated Christmas tales of all time is basically about a huge douchebag who's mean to everyone. There are a handful of clunky missteps—attempts at edgy humor that just come off as callow and odd... Still, if your out-of-town relatives demand some iteration of A Christmas Carol—and you're too (understandably) upset by the uncanny valley residents who make up The Muppets Christmas Carol to go that route—there's a lot about Twist Your Dickens that that will make you forget you're watching one. And that's a thing to celebrate." Tues-Sun, 7:30 pm, through Dec. 24, Gerding Theater at the Armory, 128 NW 11th, $36-69

The Nutcracker at Oregon Ballet Theater: Okay, so OBT does the Balanchine production of the Nutcracker, which is the one every ballet company ever does (including tutu enthusiasts to the North the Pacific Northwest Ballet, now that they've retired one of the most innovative non-Balanchine productions after 31 years, making San Francisco Ballet the only major ballet company on the West Coast to produce a nontraditional version of the cloyingly kid-friendly ballet. NOT THAT I'M BITTER OR ANYTHING). Still, it is a Christmas tradition, and it is amazing to watch ballet dancers perform impossible feats of strength, even if you do come home with new cavities from Balanchine's saccharine tale of sentient candy. Tue Dec 23 through Sat Dec 27, Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay, $27

Golden Girls: Live! Christmas Special Oh, Golden Girls: Live! The conceit is obvious enough: It's two episodes of Blanche, Rose, Sophian, and Dorothy's misadventures, but the Golden Girls are all played by men in drag, to differing degrees of success. (The good: Honey Bea Hart as Blanche is a treasure.) I have a fondness for strange, scrappy adaptations of loved/hated pop culture (see also: Showgirls the Musical), and if you do too, then you'll probably enjoy this Christmas special. Golden Girls faithful will probably love it too. If either of those don't sound like you, though, stay away. Fri and Sat, 7 pm, through Dec. 27, Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th, $20

The Maid's Tragedy at Northwest Classical: Technically, this is not a Christmas play. It's a Jacobean tragedy where almost everyone dies at the end. HOWEVER, there is a Christmas tree in it, plus Christmas carols, so if all this good cheer is killing you, here's your alternative holiday show. Thurs-Sat, 7:30 pm and Sun 2 pm, through Jan 4, Shoe Box Theatre, 2110 SE 10th, $20-22

Blithe Spirit at Artists Rep: Artists Rep's impulse to go secular with a ghost story for the holidays was right-on. But did it pay off? From our review: "Blithe Spirit has some fun moments, and Artists Rep's production is well appointed, with a beautifully crafted domestic interior for a set, and some tricky (but thoroughly convincing) lighting and sound effects throughout... The actors, too, pull off Coward's quick-witted dialogue, almost comically clipped accents ("veddy artsy-crafty" is used as an insult at one point), and repressed emotional states... But here's the rub: Blithe Spirit was first produced in 1941—and it shows. There are things about it that haven't aged particularly well. For one, it's hard to feel much sympathy for rich people who spend all their time writing hacky novels and relaxing in jodhpurs, elegant though those jodhpurs may be." Wed-Sat, 7:30 pm and Sundays, 2 pm, through Jan. 4, Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison, $25-35

Darlene Love's Final "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Dec 23, 2014 at 10:29 AM

1986 was the first year that R&B singer Darlene Love performed her barn-burning rendition of "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" on David Letterman. Remind yourself:

And though she's visited Letterman to reprise the song ever since, it was questionable if Darlene was going to show up for this year's holiday show. However—probably because she knew Letterman was retiring—she did perform it, and if you missed it last Friday, here it is in all its glory.

Kind of different from the 1986 version, huh?

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Friday, December 19, 2014

TONIGHT! Don't Miss Portland's Holiday Office Party!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 19, 2014 at 1:29 PM

FINAL WARNING! If you love fun, dancing, and well-earned holiday hangovers, do not miss TONIGHT'S Portland Holiday Office Party at Branx!

Because so many of you have unconventional non-office jobs (or hate the office you do have) we've concocted the holiday office party of your dreams. We've converted Branx into a nondescript corporate office filled with cubicles, office machinery, and YOU dressed in hilarious semi-business attire. What more can you expect? JUST THIS!

• Fun-time disco dancing music provided by ANCIENT HEAT!
• More crazy ass dancing courtesy of DJ EVIL ONE!
• Tons of BOOZE!
• A “make-out” cubicle to share with your sexy “co-workers”!
• Roaming HR people trying to unsuccessfully stop you from making out.
• A photo booth for taking pictures of your make-out sessions.
• Singing elves!
• And a complimentary Xerox machine that can be used to photocopy one’s buttocks and/or genitalia.

This is going to be the wildest office party of your career (and you can't be fired), so don't miss it! GET YOUR CHEAP TICKETS NOW RIGHT HERE! It all goes down TONIGHT, Dec 19 at Branx (320 SE 2nd Ave) from 8 pm to late, and tickets are only $12 in advance and $15 at the door! That's not much money for a LOT of holiday fun!

WE'LL SEE YOU THERE... because as the boss says, "ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY."

Last years Xerox machine in action.
  • Last year's Xerox machine in action.

Twist Your Dickens: Getting into the Mean-Spirited Holiday Spirit

Posted by Megan Burbank on Fri, Dec 19, 2014 at 11:14 AM

I have seen so many holiday shows, I feel like my eyes are bleeding melted candy canes and holiday cheer. And I'm seeing another one tonight! (Sidenote: One holiday performance I didn't go to is Liminal's Santa, E.E. Cummings' tale of killing Santa Claus. Jenna Lechner reports on it here.) Today's report is on the Second City's Twist Your Dickens, Portland Center Stage's partly-improvised retelling of A Christmas Carol, with performances through December 24. The results are mixed.

The good? Twist Your Dickens is not a straight-up parody of Dickens' morality play, for which we should all thank PCS. Instead, writers Bobby Mort and Peter Gwinn (previously of The Colbert Report) have concocted a skeletal narrative framework around which the cast improvises, which means every performance of Twist Your Dickens will be slightly different. Its Chicago/Portland-based cast is very funny, and the show's improvised segments are its best. There's even some mild audience participation that, miraculously, works, plus an adorably cartoonish Grim Reaper. (You heard it here first!)

But it turns out that Twist Your Dickens' willingness to make fun of absolutely everything is its best and worst quality, which is to say it's funny right up until it isn't. Roasted throughout: people who have MFAs (fair game), children with rickets (maybe not so much), overzealous audience members hoping for a Dickensian production free from anachronisms (sure), George Bailey (well deserved), the prevalence of orphaned children in literature and pop culture (seriously WHY), and the strange fact that one of the most celebrated Christmas tales of all time is basically about a huge douchebag who's mean to everyone. There are a handful of clunky missteps—attempts at edgy humor that just come off as callow and odd. Perhaps worst of all is "Police Navidad," and those aforementioned rickets "jokes."

Still, if your out-of-town relatives demand some iteration of A Christmas Carol—and you're too (understandably) upset by the uncanny valley residents who make up The Muppets Christmas Carol to go that route—there's a lot about Twist Your Dickens that that will make you forget you're watching one. And that's a thing to celebrate.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Mercury White Elephant Gift Exchange: The Longest Jump

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Dec 18, 2014 at 3:14 PM

As you know, I have EXTREMELY STRICT RULES when it comes to the Mercury's annual "White Elephant Gift Exchange" party—which you can read and follow yourself, right here. One of the more interesting aspects of my rules is what happens when an employee attempts "a steal"...

2e. "Any person whose present is stolen can challenge the thief to a 'test of physical acuity' chosen by me. (This tends to be arm wrestling, native american leg wrestling, or the standing long jump.) Whoever wins keeps the present. If there is a tie, the present goes to me."

At today's gift exchange, senior editor Erik Henriksen attempted to steal some Lazer nerd toy baby game—I don't know what it was called, and don't care—but was rebuffed by news reporter Dirk VanderHart. In strict adherence to the rules, a "challenge" was issued in the form of "a long jump." Erik emerged victorious, but Dirk went down fighting—as you will see in the following video.

Better luck next year, Dirk!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's "Unfuckwithable Rules of the White Elephant Gift Exchange"

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Dec 18, 2014 at 11:44 AM

Our annual Mercury "White Elephant Gift Exchange" is going down in about an hour, and you're not invited. HOWEVER! In the public's interest, here is my annual blog post, "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's "Unfuckwithable Rules of the White Elephant Gift Exchange" for those who don't want their office White Elephant exchange to be a fucking disaster.—Wm.™

"Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's Three Unfuckwithable Rules of the White Elephant Gift Exchange."

1) Everyone brings a wrapped present (worth at least $5, but should be more) and places it in the pile. Count the presents, and put corresponding numbers (one through whatever) into a hat... everybody picks a number.

2) I announce the following rules:

2a. "This While Elephant Gift Exchange will be finished in 20 minutes or less, or I get to keep any unwrapped gifts."

2b. "When I call your number you will have 10 seconds to make your way to the front and choose your present—at 11 seconds, I get your present."

2c. "When you choose a present, you have 20 seconds to unwrap it, hold it over your head, and loudly announce what your present is. At 21 seconds, I keep your present."

2d. "You may steal someone else's present, but you only have 10 seconds to steal and hold up your stolen gift. THAT PRESENT CAN ONLY BE STOLEN TWICE. If that present is stolen three times, I keep that present."

ADDENDUM! NEW RULE!
2e. "Any person whose present is stolen can challenge the thief to a 'test of physical acuity' chosen by me. (This tends to be arm wrestling, native american leg wrestling, or the standing long jump.) Whoever wins keeps the present. If there is a tie, the present goes to me."

2f. "Any attempt to argue about the rules will result in me taking that person's present."

3) HAVE FUN!!

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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Win Tickets to Portland's Holiday Office Party (Attendance Mandatory)

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Dec 17, 2014 at 10:59 AM

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Let's face it: your holiday office party is TERRIBLE. Or even worse? You don't have one at all! That's why the Portland Mercury is pleased to announce the second annual Portland's Holiday Office Party! It's the party for party-haters, or party-non-havers! SO. What makes Portland's Holiday Office Party so much better? JUST THIS:

• Fun-time disco dancing music provided by ANCIENT HEAT!
• More crazy ass dancing courtesy of DJ EVIL ONE!
• Tons of BOOZE!
• A “make-out” cubicle to share with your sexy “co-workers”!
• A photo booth for taking pictures of your make-out sessions.
• And a complimentary Xerox machine that can be used to photocopy one’s buttocks and/or genitalia.

We're dressing up Branx as a fictional corporate office complete with cubicles, desks, crappy equipment, half-dead plants, and motivational posters. You come dressed in semi-business attire (neckties and pantyhose are encouraged)! And TRUST ME, things are gonna get wild!

It all goes down THIS Friday, Dec 19 at Branx (320 SE 2nd Ave) from 8 pm to late, and tickets are only $12 in advance and $15 at the door! That's not much money for a LOT of holiday fun! SO GET YOUR TICKETS NOW AND HERE!

Or if you're feeling lucky, try to win a pair of tickets below! Deadline is tomorrow noon, and don't forget: If you tweet or Facebook it, you'll get extra chances to win! Good luck and I'll see you at Portland's Holiday Office Party—because as the management requires, "ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY."

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Monday, December 15, 2014

You're Invited to... the WILDEST Office Party of the Year!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Dec 15, 2014 at 11:29 AM

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TICKETS! GET 'EM!

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Win Tickets to Portland's Holiday Office Party (Attendance Mandatory)

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Dec 11, 2014 at 10:29 AM

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Let's face it: your holiday office party is TERRIBLE. Or even worse? You don't have one at all! That's why the Portland Mercury is pleased to announce the second annual Portland's Holiday Office Party! It's the party for party-haters, or party-non-havers! SO. What makes Portland's Holiday Office Party so much better? JUST THIS:

• Fun-time disco dancing music provided by ANCIENT HEAT!
• More crazy ass dancing courtesy of DJ EVIL ONE!
• Tons of BOOZE!
• A “make-out” cubicle to share with your sexy “co-workers”!
• A photo booth for taking pictures of your make-out sessions.
• And a complimentary Xerox machine that can be used to photocopy one’s buttocks and/or genitalia.

We're dressing up Branx as a fictional corporate office complete with cubicles, desks, crappy equipment, half-dead plants, and motivational posters. You come dressed in semi-business attire (neckties and pantyhose are encouraged)! And TRUST ME, things are gonna get wild!

It all goes down on Friday, Dec 19 at Branx (320 SE 2nd Ave) from 8 pm to late, and tickets are only $12 in advance and $15 at the door! That's not much money for a LOT of holiday fun! SO GET YOUR TICKETS NOW AND HERE!

Or if you're feeling lucky, try to win a pair of tickets below! Deadline is tomorrow noon, and don't forget: If you tweet or Facebook it, you'll get extra chances to win! Good luck and I'll see you at Portland's Holiday Office Party—because as the management requires, "ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY."

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Happy Thanksgiving from Your Pals at... the Mercury!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Nov 27, 2014 at 10:36 AM

From all of us here at the Portland Mercury, just a reminder that we really appreciate you, and everything you do to make our city a better place for everyone. And your ability to make the most of an awkward situation! (See photo below.) HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Win Tickets to See Rudolph: On Stage!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Nov 25, 2014 at 1:59 PM

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LOOK. I would not bother you with this if I didn't think it was 100 percent worth it. But facts are facts: You need a fun holiday show to attend that's hilarious and won't make you blow your brains out. That's why I'm giving away TWO TICKETS to this Saturday night's performance of Rudolph: On Stage (starring Portland's funniest sketch comedians, and MEEEEE)!

In case you weren't a child growing up in America, Rudolph: On Stage is a theatrical adaptation of the classic Rankin/Bass creepy wooden puppet holiday special, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which tells the story of a reindeer who's marginalized because of his glowing nose, and his elf friend who wants to be a dentist. (METAPHOR ALERT!!) Anyway, instead of using creepy puppets, Bad Reputation Productions—fine makers of Roadhouse: The Play, and Lost Boys: Live—are doing it with verrrry funny humans, including Portland's best improvisers The Liberators. It's jam-crammed full of nostalgia and modern comedic stuff, it co-stars me as the Burl Ives Snowman character and the reviews are very glowing. (Hey, just like Rudolph's nose!)

But guys! This thing sells out super quick, and only runs from this Friday to Dec 20 at the CoHo Theater. SO GET YOUR TICKETS (AND MORE INFO) NOW AND HERE. Or if you feel super lucky, try to win a pair of tickets to this Saturday's performance (Nov 29 at 8 pm). Don't forget, if you tweet or Facebook this contest you get extra entries! Deadline is noon tomorrow! (Also "Abominable Snow Monster.")

GOOD LUCK!

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Monday, July 7, 2014

Fourth of July Fireworks Recap: with John Oliver

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jul 7, 2014 at 10:14 AM

Did you decide to forego the big fireworks display downtown this year? If you did, you didn't miss much... according to this web only recap of every fireworks display ever by John Oliver and the Last Week Tonight gang, who took the week off. Presumably to watch fireworks.

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Friday, February 14, 2014

The Best Valentine's Day Card Ever

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Feb 14, 2014 at 9:44 AM


Points for honesty—of course you could get that card from someone who is sick of you or give it to someone you are sick of. There's just no way to deceit-proof a relationship.

And here's my stock Valentine's Day advice: fuck first. It's easier to get late dinner reservations, think 9 or 10 PM, the restaurant will be less packed, the waiters and cooks less harried. And since no one feels like fucking after a "romantic" meal (rich food, wine, dessert), it's a much better idea to go get something to eat after you fuck. Remember, kids: a romantic meal doesn't put you in the mood for a good fuck but a good fuck builds up an appetite for a romantic meal.

And if getting fucked on Valentine's Day is important to you—and it seems to be important to a lot of folks out there (judging from the amount of mail I get on February 15 from people complaining about not getting fucked on February 14)—you must fuck first. I've written back to folks who emailed me on Feb 15 to ask if their relationships were doomed because they didn't fuck on Feb 14 and asked them to describe—in minute detail—how the night went down. Invariably they went out to eat first, drank and ate, and then promptly slipped into food comas once they got home. Don't make that mistake. Fuck first.

And if you're single on Valentine's Day... stay home and watch a movie.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

R.I.P. Yukon Cornelius

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Jan 7, 2014 at 10:14 AM

Larry D. Mann—best known as the voice of pick-axe licking gold miner Yukon Cornelius in the 1964 classic animated special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer—has passed away at the age of 91. From AP:

Beginning in the 1950s, the Canadian-born Mann had small roles in movies, including "The Sting" and "In the Heat of the Night."

On TV, his appearances included "Gunsmoke," "Bewitched" and Hill Street Blues."

He also did voice work for animated shows, including 1964's "Rudolph."

Here's Yukon in glorious action. (Death may have taken him, but the Bumble never stood a chance.)

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Think You're Too Old to Attend a Teenage New Year's Eve Party? THINK AGAIN.

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Dec 31, 2013 at 10:14 AM

Simply soak your hands (and face, and neck wattle) in creamy Ivory Liquid—just like 38-year-old Mrs. Hilary Byk who completely, COMPLETELY convinced a room full of teenagers that she's just as young as them! Of course a new hair-do helped, as well as a crazy mini-skirt! But how could she disguise her haggish, overly-large, hairy man hands? WATCH AND SEE.

AHHH... New Year's Eve is saved!

Monday, December 30, 2013

Perhaps the Perfect Metaphor for Your New Year

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Dec 30, 2013 at 1:14 PM

If you're looking to make big changes in 2014, but you need a teaspoon of inspiration to help you on your way, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD watch this classic clip of Mitzi Gaynor singing "Georgy Girl" backed up by white-clad dandy dancers. If this doesn't change your life, nothing will.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

This Just In: It's Yum-Yummy World Made for Sweethearts!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Dec 25, 2013 at 12:28 PM

It's always a pleasure to watch two drunk pros tear the shit out of a little known holiday classic, which is exactly what Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin do here to "Marshmallow World." It takes a while, but when they eventually realize the ridiculousness of the lyrics they're singing... that's when they really start to have fun.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Who's Up for a Singer Fiesta?

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Dec 24, 2013 at 10:29 AM

First of all, I knew that Singer made sewing machines, but had no idea they made record players! That's only one of the many things that charmed the pants off me about this 1967 Christmas infomercial for Singer. The commercial looks gorgeous, the special effects are adorable, and... I'm not exactly sure what that actor is doing there, but he looks like he may be high. Anyhoo, he's great, too!

(I WANT THAT SINGER TELEVISION, BTW!!)

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