Magic Hours: Essays on Creators and Creation Is a Book of Essays About Things!

Love,
The Little Girl Suffocating Inside This Easter Basket
Yes, St. Patrick's Day events are generally excuses for drinking, wearing green, punching people who aren't wearing green, etc. Even my appreciation for Guinness has it's limits, so for all ye fellow non-Irish folks out there, here are some other cool things to do this weekend:
The Saturday Portland Farmers Market is BACK! The 21st season of the PSU Market kicks off rain or shine (you know what to expect) at 8:30 am in the South Park Blocks. 100+ vendors will begin the season, to expand later in the season as the growing season really picks up. Get there early for the embarrassment of riches that PFM's biggest market always offers. South Park Blocks between SW Hall & SW Montgomery
The Oregon Historical Society will be celebrating Packy's 50th Birthday with their free family day from 11 to 3. There will be music and cake. They also promise animal guests - if you see an elephant storming through downtown Portland, he's on his way to a birthday party. 1200 SW Park Avenue.
Bollywood Theater just opened in my 'hood, so I want to check out this new Indian food restaurant in the same building as Salt and Straw Ice Cream. Offering street food small plates and a few entrees, nothing priced over $10, this new spot is absolutely beautiful inside - and they offer a full bar. 2039 NE Alberta St., open 11-10 pm
Good luck dodging dancers with crazy wigs and corned beef, to the less than Irish! And drink responsibly, lephrechaun-lovers.
Yes, St. Patrick's Day events are generally excuses for drinking, wearing green, punching people who aren't wearing green, etc. Even my appreciation for Guinness has it's limits, so for all ye fellow non-Irish folks out there, here are some other cool things to do this weekend:
The Saturday Portland Farmers Market is BACK! The 21st season of the PSU Market kicks off rain or shine (you know what to expect) at 8:30 am in the South Park Blocks. 100+ vendors will begin the season, to expand later in the season as the growing season really picks up. Get there early for the embarrassment of riches that PFM's biggest market always offers. South Park Blocks between SW Hall & SW Montgomery
The Oregon Historical Society will be celebrating Packy's 50th Birthday with their free family day from 11 to 3. There will be music and cake. They also promise animal guests - if you see an elephant storming through downtown Portland, he's on his way to a birthday party. 1200 SW Park Avenue.
Bollywood Theater just opened in my 'hood, so I want to check out this new Indian food restaurant in the same building as Salt and Straw Ice Cream. Offering street food small plates and a few entrees, nothing priced over $10, this new spot is absolutely beautiful inside - and they offer a full bar. 2039 NE Alberta St., open 11-10 pm
Good luck dodging dancers with crazy wigs and corned beef, to the less than Irish! And drink responsibly, leprechaun-lovers.

Good Thursday, Blogtown! I'm Clare Gordon, The Mercury's newest and greenest intern. Nice to meet you and please don't eat me alive—I'm still learning.
So whether you're blissfully matched or romantically challenged, Valentine's Day should involve a substantial amount of chocolate, pastries, ice cream... right? You name it, if it's got enough sugar and class, I'd never say no on February 14th. So the buzzkill of winter's sweetest holiday is my dentist, who scheduled me a cavity filling (not the fun kind) on a day when I would otherwise be indulging in my favorite treats. (Don't miss me too much, Cacao. I'll be back soon, Pix!)
Instead, I'll be getting my teeth drilled at 11:30 am on Tuesday, and spend the better part of the holiday with a lopsided smile... and NO CHOCOLATE.
No doubt A Room With a View for the third (or fourth?) time is on the agenda while my face slowly regains mobility. (Apologies to the housemates for drooling on the couch. I swear it's the numbing shot, not my crush on Julian Sands... this time.)
But what about post-Sands? Since solid treats are off the menu, I'm determined to consciously ignore any and all studies linking drinking to tooth decay and imbibe my Valentine's Day indulgences... and I'm ready to experiment. So help me out, Blogtown. What and where is your preferred cocktail? The Dark and Stormy is my standby, but I feel like diversifying. Let me in on your favorite fancy drink and the bar that makes it best and I'll send some good Valentine's Day vibes your way. Not that you need them :)







Because Christmas cards ruin the environment (SHAME!!!!) we here at Blogtown would like to wish you a very merry Christmas with the following video—designed to charm and delight, but mostly to freak you out. (WHY CAN'T WE EVER DO ANYTHING NICE??)
Ladies and good gentlemen of Blogtown: All week long you've been voting for the "Best Xmas/Holiday Song EVARRR!!!" in our Blogtown poll, and I have to say—while I may not have chosen this particular one—what you decided on was pretty freaking great. Thanks for playing along! I've discovered a lot of great new Xmas songs in the process. And with that, here it is: According to YOU, the Blogtown reader, this is your ""Best Xmas/Holiday Song EVARRR!!!"
"Heat Miser" (from The Year Without a Santa Claus)
And in second place, and also great:
Fairytale of New York (by The Pogues).
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all, from your always pals here at the Mercury. (Oh, and hit the jump for a special holiday wish from your old college roommate, Humpy.)
As soon as we get this next issue to the printer, WE... ARE... OUTTA HERE (for our holiday vacation)! And you can tell Mercury employees are ready to dash out the door, hop on the plane, see their loved ones, and... OH, WHAT'S THIS THEN?

An unattended suitcase? Apparently belonging to Sarah Mirk? Huh. That's weird. Why would she leave it all alone like that? Any mischief maker could come along and place something inside her suitcase that would make life very difficult for her at the airport security check... and life very interesting for a TSA agent.
Huh. I wonder what someone might put in there? Hmmmmmm?
Here's a minute and 47 seconds that prove my subject line.
I cannot wait for the day when Paul Reubens, S. Epatha Merkerson, Grace Jones, and Van Dyke Parks (who composed the music) collaborate again.
(Also, this aired during Christmas 1988, a few weeks after George Bush was elected president but a few weeks before he was sworn in.)
The votes are still pouring in for "Best Xmas/Holiday Song EVARRR!!!" (vote here, now!), but what about the "sexiest" Xmas song ever? My vote is for Julie London's "I'd Like You For Christmas." Ladies, if you want a guarantee that your man will hang with you for another year, play this in the bedroom on Christmas Eve as you slowly pull off your stockings. Game... set... and match.
This is the great, great Clarence Carter's excellent Christmas tune, which also probably has the best title for a Christmas song of all time: "Back Door Santa." I could never figure out why Carter isn't regularly mentioned in the same breath as Otis Redding and Wilson Pickett, as his deep-fried Southern soul—sorry to use such a clichéd phrase, but it applies here—is certainly their equal. "Slip Away"? "Patches"? And this: "Back Door Santa," which also features the single greatest "Ho ho ho" ever committed to record.
And if that horn break in "Back Door Santa" sounds familiar, it's because Run-DMC sampled it for their (also classic) "Christmas in Hollis." (And fun fact! Run sports a Portland Trail Blazers jacket in the video.)
End Hits: The best ho's, and more.
I would like to take a moment to appreciate the people who live at SE 32rd and Taylor. I don't know them, but they take holiday decorations to an astounding level. This is the corner (now home to Mars Hill church) that hangs different festive lights over the street for each season (my favorites are the Sunnyside sunflowers in summer). Their Halloween decorations—an elaborate spooky scene assembled in their garage—inevitably turns every passerby into a Peeping Tom. Their Christmas decorations set the bar for creativity. Fuck you, inflatable snowman. They have a nativity scene involving a television playing the Spanish channel 24-hours-a-day and another styling Bart Simpson as baby Jesus.

TODAY... IS THE DAY! After a week of mind-numbing polls, voting on every possible genre of Xmas/holiday song, today is the day when we pick the best of the best and make our final decision: "What is the best Xmas/holiday song EVARRR???"
But first a quick recap of this week's journey:
You voted on FOUR CATEGORIES! Secular (Non-religious stuff written before 1970-ish, and after 1900-ish), Traditional/Jesus-y (Stuff glorifying god and/or Jesus or written pre-1900), Animated (Songs either written for, or used in, animated holiday specials), and Commenter's Choice (songs that commenters bitched and moaned were neglected from previous lists).
NOW we'll take the top two from each list (plus "Heat Miser"—because of a near tie, and "Father Christmas"—because c'mon... it really should be on the list) and combine them all to form the HOLIDAY CHEER MEGA-POLL in which we decide once and for all what exactly is the BEST XMAS/HOLIDAY SONG EVARRR!!!
(Note: Perhaps your favorite song wasn't chosen. But can you for once please put your anger aside, hold your nose, and vote for the best song on this list? Because a) It's a pretty goddamn good list, and b) It's the holidays. YOU'RE THE BEST!!!)
SERIOUSLY, THINK HARD ON THIS ONE: The songs and their links are all posted after the jump if you want to make a truly informed choice! The winning song will be posted on Christmas Eve, so we can virtually give each other drunken hugs and express emotion that is normally too hard to expend. Okay? Okay! Annnnnnd... LET'S VOTE!
Move over, Silent Night, Deadly Night! Here's a fun trailer for the 1988 Brit Christmas slasher movie, Don't Open Till Christmas, starring no one you've ever heard of as a psychopath who goes around brutally murdering fake Santas! Phew, luckily cult horror film star Caroline Munro (playing herself) stops by to lighten things up with a bouncy musical number. (Quick, Santa! While the murderer is distracted, sneak out the back!)
If you love it? The entire thing's here.
Hurrah! It's finally here! It's Day Four of the "Best Xmas/Holiday Song EVARRR!!!" poll, which means YOU the Blogtown commenter finally get your say about what's the best holiday song, and I get to mercilessly troll YOU for a change. Unfortunately, you all came up with some pretty good suggestions, goddammit. But quickly! A recap of how "Best Xmas/Holiday Song EVARRR!!!" works:
FOUR CATEGORIES! Secular (poll is now closed!), Traditional/Jesus-y (vote here!), Animated (vote here!), and Commenter's Choice (vote today!). The top two from each list will face off on Friday in one big mega poll, and HO! HO! HO! We'll have chosen the "BEST X-MAS/HOLIDAY SONG EVARRRRRR!!!" (which of course no one will be satisfied with, because that's the nature of the internet).
And so today is Commenter's Choice, which basically means if a song didn't make my top ten in previous lists, OR there's a great secular song written after the 1970s, that goes into today's list of choices. And since you came up with so many good suggestions, we're going to have 15 choices today instead of the usual ten. Did yours not make the list? It could be because we just didn't have room for everyone's, or that you were a big dick to me. Try attracting flies with honey next time.
OKAY! Ready to vote? You may not be super familiar with some of these songs, so hit the jump for helpful links to jog your memory! READY... STEADY... AND VO-HO-HO-HOTE!
This is the best rock 'n' roll Christmas song out there. That's Kinks drummer Mick Avory in the Santa suit.
But what is up with the clock falling off the wall? Is that a German curse or something? A joke at the expense of the Swiss?
Ich bin konfüsed.
h/t: Ezra
End Hits: In England, "Father Christmas" means "Santy Claus"! Those wacky Brits.
And we're back! It's day three of the most important voting experience of your life: "BEST X-MAS/HOLIDAY SONG EVARRRRRR!!!" And today is my personal fave of holiday song genres: The Best Animated Special Song (or "Creepy Wooden Puppet Music," such as those featured in those awesome Rankin/Bass specials or holiday cartoonies of yore).
So to quickly catch you up: FOUR CATEGORIES! Secular (vote here!), Traditional/Jesus-y (vote here!), Animated (vote below!), and Commenter's Choice (vote tomorrow!). The top two from each list will face off on Friday in one big mega poll, and HO! HO! HO! We'll have chosen the "BEST X-MAS/HOLIDAY SONG EVARRRRRR!!!" (which of course no one will be satisfied with, because that's the nature of the internet).
Okay, on to today's ANIMATED category! (And remember, put your favorite song in the comments from any genre, and it may be chosen for tomorrow's Commenter's Choice!) THREE IMPORTANT THINGS TO NOTE:
1) I included the "Linus & Lucy Theme" below, because even though it's not strictly an Xmas/Holiday song, it did premiere in A Charlie Brown Christmas, and if I didn't include it, you'd shit your pants. I think "Christmastime is Here" (from the same special) is far superior, but whatever. I don't care anymore.
2) You should vote for "Jingle Jingle Jingle." Watch it here. It's the best fucking song that's ever been written by anyone.
3) Can't remember some of the songs? I posted each with a musical link to jog your memory after the jump!
NOW LET'S VOTE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST(mas)!!!

BUT! There is more to tell: Tonight at 7 pm will also include a performance by Cloaks and Jason Urick (who's got a new album of his droney, abstract electronic soundscapes called I Love You coming out on Thrill Jockey on January 24).
ALSO! On Friday, December 23, local musician (and scary-talented genius) Bryan Free will perform his composition Earth & You at 7 pm. It's an annual performance of Free's that "develops slowly over 35 minutes using many layered vocals, drum and keyboard synthesizers, and typically some form of live percussion." Sounds indescribable, and a great antidote to conventional Christmas cheer.
The Xhurch, 4550 NE 20th, Tues Dec 20-Sun Dec 25, 5-9 pm
OKAY. This is how much I hate these pictures: I'm not even going to put them on Blogtown, because they will automatically give anyone who touches this site hemorrhoids and/or genital herpes. You know all about Courtney Stodden, right? The 17-year-old child bride skank who married that gross 51-year-old actor? Well, they are the new Spencer and Heidi, and have now out-grossed anything anyone has ever done.
If you have the stomach for it, CLICK HERE to see Courtney and her creepy hubby eternally desecrating the name of Santa Claus. GAHHHHHH-ROSSSSSS!!!
Eva Mendes and Jim Carrey seem to be slacking off, but Gosling nails it. He's got every stray verbal slip-up down.
Welcome to day two of the most important poll you will ever take: Deciding what is the "Best Xmas/Holiday Song Evarrrr!" Yesterday, we voted on best "Secular" song (Still wanna vote? Click here now!!!!), and today we'll be deciding which is the holiest of all "Religious/Super Old-Timey" numbers. But first? THE RULES!
Starting yesterday and through Friday, I'm breaking all Xmas songs down to their TOP TEN in each of the following categories (I'll decide what the top ten is. If you don't like it, see special NOTE FROM HUMPY* below.): SECULAR (Non-religious stuff written before 1970-ish, and after 1900-ish), RELIGIOUS/SUPER OLD-TIMEY (Stuff glorifying god and/or Jesus or written pre-1900), ANIMATED (Songs either written for, or used in, animated holiday specials—yes, Rudolph and Frosty will be included here, rather than in "secular," and if you don't like it, see special NOTE FROM HUMPY* below), and COMMENTER'S CHOICE (Stuff you think should have been included in the top tens of previous lists AND/OR cool original songs—not versions of existing songs—like Chuck Berry's Run, Run Rudolph, or George Michael's "Last Christmas [I Gave You My Heart]".)Every day you'll vote for the best song in that category, and on Friday we'll put the TOP TWO vote-getters from each category into one HOLIDAY MEGA-POLL, vote on that, and VOILA! We'll have the "BEST XMAS SONG EVARRRRR!!" (If you don't like the way I'm running this, see special NOTE FROM HUMPY* below.)
OKAY! Ready to vote for best "religious/old-timey Xmas/Holiday song"? (I have all the following songs listed below the jump with musical links, if you need a memory jog!) OH! But first...
A special NOTE FROM HUMPY*: "Complaints? I am ill-prepared to give a shit."
"What's the best Xmas/holiday song evarrrrr?" This question needs to be decided once and for all! And who better to decide it than the annoyingly opinionated denizens of Blogtown? SO THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA WORK:
For the next four days I'm gonna break all Xmas songs down to their TOP TEN in each of the following categories (I'll decide what the top ten is. If you don't like it, see special NOTE FROM HUMPY* below.): SECULAR (Non-religious stuff written before 1970-ish, and after 1900-ish), RELIGIOUS/SUPER OLD-TIMEY (Stuff glorifying god and/or Jesus or written pre-1900), ANIMATED (Songs either written for, or used in, animated holiday specials—yes, Rudolph and Frosty will be included here, rather than in "secular," and if you don't like it, see special NOTE FROM HUMPY* below), and COMMENTER'S CHOICE (Stuff you think should have been included in the top tens of previous lists AND/OR cool original songs—not versions of existing songs—like Chuck Berry's Run, Run Rudolph, or George Michael's "Last Christmas [I Gave You My Heart]".)
Every day you'll vote for the best song in that category, and on Friday we'll put the TOP TWO vote-getters from each category into one HOLIDAY MEGA-POLL, vote on that, and VOILA! We'll have the "BEST XMAS SONG EVARRRRR!!" (If you don't like the way I'm running this, see special NOTE FROM HUMPY* below.)
Okay, ready to vote? Today's Xmas/Holiday Song category is "SECULAR" so vote for which you think is the best song... not the best version of the song, got it? YOU GOT IT. (If you're unfamiliar with any of these songs, or need a reminder, I've posted the names after the jump with links, cuz I'm sweet, and I don't want to hear any bullshit excuses.) Did I not include your absolute favorite in the top ten? Put your suggestion in the comments for possible inclusion in Thursday's "Commenter's Choice" Poll. Otherwise, see special NOTE FROM HUMPY* below.
Before we vote, a special NOTE FROM HUMPY*: "I don't give a shit."
LET'S VOTE!!
An anonymous writer just sent in this bulletin addressed to the citizens of Portland:
Christmas lights are the only thing nice about this time of year other than alcohol, fucking, and legos. Put them up or eat a dick.
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