Or do. Then tell me if it made you jump.
Oh, we're all just so over zombies. We've seen so many TV shows and movies about zombies, we think we've learned everything there is to know about them—BUT WE'RE WRONG. In the following clip from Family Feud, the question is "Name something you know about zombies"... and while your answer may have automatically been "eats brains," "shambles," "flesh decomposes," your knowledge is only skin deep compared to this contestant, who is CLEARLY America's #1 and foremost authority on everything "zombie." WATCH.
In a perhaps futile attempt to promote a few of their shows, FOX has produced some downloadable, printable masks featuring stars from some of their shows... like the actually very funny New Girl. Cue Adorkable Mask!
They also have Cece, Nick, Winston, and Schmidt—but I don't know why you'd ever want to choose those. Other Fox masks you may also not want to choose? American Dad, Bob's Burgers, ugggh the absolutely TERRIBLE Family Guy , The (Yawn) Simpsons, and... WAITASECOND! I totally want to dress up in at least two of these The X Factor masks, particularly Kelly Rowland and Demi Lovato! OOH! AND MARIO LOPEZ!!! Halloween is saved!
Tonight, while you walk the dark streets, and you see the happy, smiling children running from house to house in search of their next fist full of candy... take a moment to stare at the homes you pass... and wonder what evil acts may have transpired there.
That's the idea behind this week's Mercury feature, "MURDER HOUSE." Many of Portland's grisliest murders took place in homes that are not only still standing, but are now occupied by people who probably have no idea what took place there. This week we take a peek at a few of these horrifying cases that involve all sorts of bloody wrong-doings, including drowning children, hammers, dynamite, smotherings, and... this one:
Today, the small house where Lloyolla T. Miller lived out most of her life has faded a bit. The garden this so-called "Rose Lady of North Wabash Avenue" fastidiously tended has been left to weeds and scrub. But, even now, it's easy to imagine roses and rhododendrons coming into vibrant life around the home on May 29, 1979—the day Miller's was violently snuffed out.
That was the day the paperboy murdered her with an ax.
Read the rest here. And sleep well... in your cozy, safe home.
There's still time to secure a Halloween costume... even for those who REFUSE to go to Halloween parties! It's called the "Cat-Piloted Decoy Chewbacca," and... why should I say another word about it? It's a "CAT-POWERED DECOY CHEWBACCA!" Watch.
Vice's Jamie Lee Curtis Taete went to the new Bill and Ted's Excellent Halloween Adventure show at Universal Studios and saw some "comedy" that wouldn't have been out of place in the bad old homophobic 1960s:
Anyway, Superman joins Bill and Ted on their witch-killing quest. Bill and Ted are pretty psyched about that because, y'know, he's Superman and he's really useful to have on your side in a battle against evil witches.
But then, uh oh, a witch accidentally sprinkles Superman with fairy dust, turning him gay...After becoming gay, Superman's voice and posture changes. His lips purse, his toes point inward, and his wrists become limp. His new voice sounds like a homophobic uncle doing a drunken impression of Richard Simmons, complete with lisps and frequent use of the word "faaaaaaabulous!"
Bill and Ted, understandably, are bummed. Their initial excitement at having Superman with them on their quest turns to disappointment as, obviously, now that Superman is gay, he is not going to be of any use to them. "Who could possibly make a worse Superman?" asks Bill. "Ben Affleck?" responds Ted.
Thankfully, Robot 6 reports that Universal Studios has cancelled the show. The site for the show now simply reads:
After thoughtful consideration, Universal Studios Hollywood has made the decision to discontinue production of the Halloween Horror Nights' "Bill & Ted" show for the remainder of its limited run.
First, Facebook banned videos of decapitations. Then it reversed its policy on decapitation videos. Now it's banning them again. Nudity is still, and has always been, banned on Facebook.
Is a Pizza Hut in Centereach, New York haunted? Like... by a G-G-G-G-GHOST? Amateur paranormal investigators Pauly and "Fanboy Kev" are totally convinced after a thorough investigation of that particular Pizza Hut's bathroom. AND THEY HAVE VIDEO PROOF TO PROVE IT! If true, this is definitely the creepiest corporate fast food chain in America. Congrats, Pizza Hut!
Two years ago my door bell rang. When I answered there was a little kid 4 or 5 standing there that I didn’t recognize. Before I could say anything, she yelled “just so you know it’s your turn to die!” and she disappeared around the corner again. I followed but couldn’t see her anywhere. Luckily I didn’t die.
My daughter when we were home alone one night, “mommy, who’s that man on the ceiling?”
I was reading a story to my daughter when she suddenly slammed it shut, point to the empty doorway, and screamed “you get out of here! You’ve killed enough people!”
My 2yr old talks and walks in his sleep. About a month after his second birthday I heard him talking in his sleep in the middle of the night so I thought aww cute I will go listen. Peeked in and he was sitting bolt upright in bed eyes wide open hands folded in lap. He said, “naughty mummy. Naughty daddy. No more mummy, no more daddy.” Then he laughed really creepily lay down and started snoring.
My son was crying in bed at 3 am and tells us he is afraid because there is a man in his bed. We ask him about the man and tell him to ask the man to go away. The following day he tells us the man’s name is Frank…my husband’s uncle who died the night before. Also later that week we were driving along in our van in complete silence and my son said “Frank’s here.”
An 8 year old I used to teach had a hard time with eye contact and appropriate touch. He looked me straight in the eyes one morning, not missing a beat, and told me, “you know, I think you’d look a lot better if you were dead in my basement.”
As she pointed to the old wood stove in the middle of our front room: “Jimmy said that was where he did it.” I asked her who Jimmy was and what he was talking about, she said “Jimmy is the guy who comes and talks to me at night. He said he killed his mom right there.” My daughter was five.
GAHHH!! He's got 32 of these things! RIGHT HERE!!
This morning I alerted you to the new joint from Ark Music Factory (makers of fine entitled rich teens like Rebecca Black) titled "Chinese Food"—which is all about Chinese food! Well, the internet has already fallen in love with this song by rich, not-very-talented Alison Gold... and what does the internet do when it falls in love with something? IT DESTROYS IT.
Presenting Alison Gold's "Chinese Food"—now accompanied by "screaming goat."
This one's runnin' all over the internet, but sweet Jesus, is it good! To promote the upcoming Carrie remake, some actors and special effects people prank coffee shop patrons into believing a woman is having a full-blown TELEKINETIC FREAKOUT. And the reactions? PRICELESS. (I especially love the guy with the pastry, and the woman who is so freaked out that she actually stops recording it on her iPhone. That's practically unheard of!)
Creepy flick director Guillermo del Toro helmed the opening sequence of The Simpsons' annual "Treehouse of Horror" (number XXIV, to be exact) and it airs this Sunday on Fox at 8 pm. OR YOU CAN WATCH IT HERE AND NOW! And you might want to spend an hour or two on it, just to figure out how many classic horror movie references (including some of his own) he crammed into this thing. As the title states, it is OVERWHELMINGLY GLORIOUS. Watch.
OKAY. Turn the lights down, put on your headphones, expand this video to full screen and watch the new super CREEEEPY American Horror Story: Coven opening credits. Remember it's about a witches coven in New Orleans—and apparently? It's also about some kind of weird, reverse Ku Klux Klan, some creepy goat human that lives out in the woods, voodoo dolls, pugs, and... and... is that a kangaroo? I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS BUT IT CREEPS ME THE FAWK OUT!!!
American Horror Story: Coven debuts Wednesday, Oct 9, at 10 pm on FX.
I'm strangely excited to see this:
I LOVED season one of American Horror Story, glumly put up with season two (the asylum plot had too many nutty loose ends), and I'm looking forward to season three... American Horror Story: Coven. It's about a witches coven in New Orleans, and early buzz says it's funnier and more on point. Exec producer Ryan Murphy nailed the first season's ghost story genre, and I bet he'll nail this one, too. Check out this new trailer for the upcoming season, called "Burn."
Because apparently someone demanded it, here is the "Sassy Rick Grimes" costume from Spirit Halloween—and it's only $49.99. (Though if I'm paying 50 bones, I'd rather be "sexy" than "sassy.")
I mean, I like it and all? But if I'm gonna dress up as any sassy Walking Dead character, here's my sassy choice.
What can I say? I love a sassy amputee.
Face-swapping kids and dolls. Officially the creepiest thing the Internet has ever made. Shut. It. Down. http://t.co/JWYgpeCLvZ
— Joe Hanson (@jtotheizzoe) August 20, 2013
If you love to cringe, for the love of all that's holy, PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO. Here a St. Louis news station discovers that "hipsters" have descended upon their city—so of course they have to do a jaw-droppingly terrible special report. What are hipsters? (They like jazz, "trends" and walking around with their shoelaces untied.) What do they do? (They have daytime dance parties featuring the latest dances—like "the pony.") Where are they? (Hanging out at the The Mud House Coffee Shop, of course.) And trust me when I say, you will never see a more butt-cringing display of reporting or "hipsterdom" in your life. Compared to these guys? Our TV news stations and tall bike riders are THE BEST.
And don't miss the best reaction ever to this news story from a totally over-it anchor at the 3:07 mark. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!
It's not every day you hear a gunshot ring out in the Mercury offices... it's more like every other day. But today when I heard a tell-tale BLAM!!, I had a couple of minutes to spare, so I decided to investigate... and yep! It was senior editor Erik Henriksen with a bullet lodged in his temple, face down on his computer (actually OUR computer—his relatives owes us $3000 for blood damage).
After calling the cleaning crew, I was just about to get back to work... but. For some reason I was curious—again, had a couple of minutes to spare—so I checked out his computer to see if he had witnessed something that caused him to take his own life. It was this:
Britney Spears singing a song from Smurfs 2 called "Ooh La La," which co-stars her actual sons. (Before perishing, Erik scrawled the following message in blood on his desk: "ONE OF HER KIDS IS WEARING A CATCHER IN THE RYE SHIRT.")
So I watched the entire thing, and... wow. Yeah, it's pretty bad. OH WELL! Back to work.
Tulsa, Oklahoma, deserves to host the 2024 Olympics because, you know, Tulsa is the "real" America:
Tulsa, its boosters argue, offers something that big-ticket American rivals like Los Angeles, Boston and Dallas can only dream of—the vast frontier of America. This part of the country produced Woody Guthrie and Jim Thorpe. Neon signs still glow along Route 66. J.... “The larger cities aren’t truly representative of what the real America is,” said Jennifer Jones of the Tulsa 2024 bid committee. “The real America is the midsize cities, and we want people to see America.”
And what do some people in the "real America" want to see?
A Tulsa man who was arrested on allegations that he watched a woman and her 7-year-old daughter from underneath a White Water Park toilet near the Keystone Dam could face felony charges. Kenneth Webster Enlow, 52, was arrested about 5 p.m. Sunday after being found covered in human waste inside the holding tank beneath a permanent outhouse at the park, which is west of Sand Springs. The woman told sheriff’s deputies that she looked into the toilet and “saw the water move,” according to Enlow’s arrest report. “As she looked closer, she noticed that there was a man looking up at her,” the report states.
Lord knows we've got shit-covered perverts right here in unreal America. But I've never heard any of our shit-covered perverts describe America's small towns as less authentically American. (Shit-covered pervert story via Gawker.)
The title of this post is the top comment for this video on YouTube, and it's true... the guy behind the iPhone is a dick. But because I'm a horrible person I still laughed.
Nope. Don't do it. No. Absolutely not. You do not want to go there. Trust me on this, just say no. Say nope, say nada, say no way. DO... NOT. Tempted to press "play"? Simply don't. I did—and I regret it. In the top 100 regrettable things I've done in my life, this ranks at #47. Why live your life in regret? It's simply not worth it. DO NOT WATCH THIS. DO NOT. DO NOT. DO NOT. Maybe you'll just watch like, maybe 45 seconds of it? NO. Not one second. None of it. Continue on with your life, confident in the knowledge that it will be better because you did not watch one millisecond of this video. Again... and this is the last time I'm mentioning it...
I present this without comment other than to say, "THIS FREAKS ME OUT!!"
To find out how they did it, read this. I'm going to lie down with a cold washcloth on my face.
If you are even the tiniest bit afraid of snakes, DO NOT WATCH THIS VIDEO.
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