Thing one: Maymo the dog battles a giant zombie hand. (Though his reaction isn't exactly what I expected.)
Thing two: Maymo's owner needs to get a job, and get out of the house. (At least that's what Maymo's thinking.)
If you haven't seen Portland's reigning sketch comedy masters The Liberators in action—THEN I DON'T EVEN WITH YOU. They are riotously funny, super smart, and weird, which is just your speed, am I right? They've got a show coming up at IFCC on November 8, and you can buy tickets for that here. AND they've recently come out with a new sketch comedy video that is PERFECT for Halloween. It's called "Baked Lays"—and trust me... you will never see a more horrifying, hilarious movie about... BAKED LAYS.
Also, three-quarters of The Liberators are starring in the triumphant return of the very funny holiday stage adaptation of the story of that famous red-nosed reindeer, Rudolph: On Stage (also co-starring your fave community theater veteran, ME!). Get your tickets for that sure-to-sell-out-show HERE.
So Jake Gyllenhaal goes on Ellen to plug his new Nightcrawler movie (read the Mercury review here!), and for his trouble gets the shit scared out of his butthole. (In his defense, that stagehand dressed up as Annabelle will be visiting my nightmares for the next three weeks.)
Did you see last night's episode of The Walking Dead, which including perhaps the most GRUESOME hipster murder ever portrayed on TV? Yeah? Well, let's CHITTY-CHAT about it! After the jump is my spoiler-filled recap, and I'd love to hear your comments... in the comments. Let's start chitty-chatting, chitty-chatters!
MORE AFTER THE JUMP!
Welcome back to The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club where we recap last night's episode—which really TOOK A BITE out a certain character! (Heh.) My snappy blow-by-blow is after the jump and you can expect a MOUTHFUL of spoilers... just like the one I just let slip. Join me for a BUFFET of fun and your comments after the jump! LET'S CHOW DOWN ON SOME CHITTY-CHATTING!
More fun after the jump!
In case you haven't heard, American Horror Story: Freak Show (debuting Wed Oct 8 on FX at 10 pm) is set in a traveling freak show in Jupiter, Florida, in the 1950s, aaaaaaaand weird shit occurs. (Surprise!) Creator Ryan Murphy released the opening credits today, and while it departs from the pants-pooping horror of its predecessors, this one uses toys... and is creepy on a whole new level. (Question: Why is a leg growing out of that woman's vagina?)
And in case you missed it, here's the trailer for American Horror Story: Freak Show. (Sarah Paulson, your heads look gorgeous!)
Tanuki has earned itself something of a bad-ass rep with its uncompromising, take-it-or-leave-it attitude. The place is deliberately dingy and along with the non-stop, ultra-violent Japanese movies playing, it’s almost as if diners are being tested to see whether they merit eating there (though the lo-fi interior is refreshing in a town overflowing with reclaimed wood and vintage typefaces). It’s certainly not the place to spend a sunny afternoon, though that’s what I did recently, indulging my inner, moody teenager and perversely enjoying the gloom.
You go to Tanuki for the remarkable Japanese and Korean omakase (basically the chef serves a bunch of small dishes of her choice) but I hadn’t realized they also have a happy hour. There were a few snacks on offer but the standout item was the kimchi dog. Also, in recognition that summer was happening outside there was a rather good saké sangria. I was all set, lining up the dog for a first bite. Then, in a moment of twisted serendipity I glanced at the screen, sunk my teeth into the sausage and watched as a bound man had his dick bitten off by a woman. Now this could have been the site of a major trauma, a psychological disaster on par with witnessing your parents having sex. I could have ended up as a Freudian cliché, unable to confront a hotdog again without conjuring up associations of castration.
Fortunately I was spared such anguish through a combination of the kimchi dog tasting so good nothing was going to stop me from enjoying it (the pleasures of eating usually absorb anything else going on in my mind anyway) and the fact that the movie featured such a ludicrous amount of blood squirting everywhere it was more akin to a Monty Python sketch that an object of horror. Still, next time at Tanuki I’ll keep my eyes on my plate, just in case. Tanuki, 8029 SE Stark
By the end of the 12 hours, I was covered from head-to-toe in fake blood and chunky neon-green baby vomit. The smell was unholy. I'd crawled around in dumpsters while being egged on by goatmen, human centipeded with a complete stranger (TWICE!), stripped to my skivvies, and got locked in a coffin by a kinda racist voodoo ritualist, the likes of which haven't been seen since the 1973 Roger Moore 007 film Live and Let Die. Not only that, but I'd also witnessed a pretty epic moment in monster history... Cthulhu straight up hanging with Nosferatu, best-bud style. (What do those two even talk about?) But I survived the Great Horror Campout for my Worst. Night. Ever! With my gag reflex intact, even!
Hit the jump for all the camping 'til dawn 'n' dirty details.
Every week an editorial staff member will be presented with three events that do not match their personality or interests... like, AT ALL. And here's the fun part: YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer. Afterward he or she will review it right here on the blog! NOTE: Everyone's taste is different, right? So while a tiny stripper lube-wrestling match might make Alison feel uncomfortable (down there), Ned might think it's the cat's pajamas! That's why you might find a perfectly pleasant event or two in the list below. Also, competitors must stay for at least two hours (or until the event is over, whichever comes first) and are not allowed to get drunk, or use any substances (drugs) or distractions (phone/reading material) to dull the pain they may experience. Now let's see who is up this week:
Now the thing that's going to happen next is going to piss some of you off to no end—so please believe me when I say, I. DO. NOT. GIVE. A. SINGLE. FUCK.
It's well known that Courtney has a thing for horror movies... but would she feel the same way if she was IN the horror movie? That's why we're not giving you any real choice of events, and we're sending Courtney this weekend to stay overnight at the GREAT HORROR CAMPOUT.
Maybe you've seen the billboards for this thing around town, and was curious about what goes on there. We are, too! That's why we're sending Courtney to this serial killer-themed campout, which is located in the wilds of Beaver Creek, Oregon and according to the website is...
A 12-hour, overnight, interactive horror camping adventure. Campers can choose their level of engagement when they choose their activities and tent zone. The experience can be an extreme horror adventure or a more mild horror adventure. It’s completely up to the camper.
Naturally, we're sending Courtney on the MOST EXTREME HORROR ADVENTURE in which she'll have to share a tent with four total strangers (one of whom might try to hack her into tiny pieces). The organizers advise her to bring a white t-shirt that she doesn't mind getting bloody (??), an underwater snorkle mask (??), and a few changes of underwear (I get that one). Also, apparently she is not allowed to touch the killers, but they are allowed to "touch, bind, and kidnap" her. (GULP!) However, the organizers are quick to point out that it's "all in fun" and there's "no actual danger"... but isn't that exactly what a serial murderer WOULD say?
I also tried to force her to wear a bikini the entire time (like they always do in those sex-crazed teen horror flicks), but our HR department ruined my fun once again. BOOOOOOO, HR!!!! Anyway, that's what she's gonna be doing this weekend for Worst. Night. EVER!, and since I know you're going to cry and moan about not being given a choice this week, you can still offer suggestions in the comments about what she should wear or do, and we'll at least allow you to a chance to vote on something. So go ahead. Cast your useless vote.
Jimmy Fallon wanted to be the first to show his backing band The Roots the new 50 Shades of Grey trailer—but because scenes from this movie aren't already horrifying enough, he inserted something absolutely terrifying in the middle. The reactions from all members of The Roots? PRICELESS.
Here's an internet oldie, but a goodie... at the 2010 PAX East convention, the moderators asked a thousand audience members to crack their knuckles simultaneously. The resulting sound is both horrifying... and weirdly? Kind of a relief. Watch!
As Conan O'Brien has been constantly reminding us, he has a cameo role in the upcoming Syfy movie Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda (Sat, Aug 2, 9 pm)—a role he assumes will bring him the fame and respect he so rightly deserves. And you know... he might be right! Here's his cameo role in its entirety, and you know what? HE'S ACTUALLY PRETTY AWESOME. Check it out.
The Israeli ground invasion has started on Gaza Strip, here the borders of Gaza. #GazaUnderAttack pic.twitter.com/ny7sEjhar0
— Jehad Saftawi (@Jehadsaftawi) July 17, 2014
Disgracefully, award-winning correspondent Ayman Mohyeldin will not be on the ground to cover it. When Israel invaded Gaza in 2008, Al Jazeera's Mohedin and Sherine Tadros were the only English-language correspondents on the ground.
Mohedin later moved to NBC News. Yesterday, he was playing soccer with some kids on a beach near his hotel in Gaza, when out of nowhere, the Israeli military shelled the area, killing four of them.
NBC executive David Verdi, according to The Intercept, ordered "Mohyeldin to leave Gaza immediately" for "security reasons"—a laughable notion given his experience reporting from warzones for years—angering a number of NBC journalists inside the newsroom. Moheyldin has been replaced by reporter Richard Engel, who is based in Tel Aviv. You can see Mohyeldin briefly in Engel's heart-wrenching report from last night:
Meanwhile, the New York Times apparently changed its headline about the deaths of the children from something that conveys the news, "Four Young Boys Killed Playing on Gaza Beach," to the vague and unclear "Boys Drawn to Gaza Beach, and Into Center of Mideast Strife."
Here's the paper of record's latest update on the invasion of Gaza.
Guillermo Del Toro's The Strain premieres Sunday night on FX (10 pm), and if you love creepy vampire schlock, then this might be the lover you've been looking for. The early reviews are already in, and here's what some of the critics are saying...
I've seen the first four episodes of The Strain, and they're lots of fun, and effectively creepy. They give proper service to the conventions of the genre — there's even an elder Van Helsing type who knows how to hunt down and kill these nasty, no-longer-human bloodsuckers — but there's also a lot of the inventive visual flair and strong characterization that made the movie Alien so frightening, and compelling, back in the '70s.
While Extant tries to creep you out with what you can’t see, The Strain gorges on absurdities the way its infected characters chug blood. You could play a game of spot-the-cliché with The Strain: vampires, malevolent corporations, Nazis, Holocaust survivors, Latino petty criminals— Bingo! Del Toro directed the first episode and executive produces the series, and like his giant monster vs. giant robot movie Pacific Rim, The Strain has a kind of earnest and respectful fanboyishness, in which every single ridiculous element mandated by the genre is rendered seriously but not exactly unknowingly. His love for the material is so deep, he won’t wink at it, and that gives audience the freedom to laugh—sometimes, but not always, with the show.
It’d be incorrect to say The Strain is a bad series, but it would also be incorrect to say it’s a great one. The pilot is an interesting attempt at world-building, but it moves rather slowly. The second episode is sort of bland until the final scene. The third episode’s rather good, and the fourth episode is fairly excellent. What’s lacking so far is a sense of consistency. At times, the series delivers some of the best WTF moments since True Detective, but then other times it’s as bland as NBC’s Dracula.
You like being trapped in very small spaces that slowly fill up with water, right? Then check out this video of British spelunkers getting caught in "the tube" inside Lost John’s Cave in Lancashire, England as water starts to rise around them. (You will start to experience panic around the 20 second mark... but hold on! Because things get WORSE.)
Will Sharknado 2: The Second One (coming to Syfy July 30th) reach the lofty intellectual heights of its predecessor? I DO NOT KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION. However, despite the crushingly boring minute of conversation between Ian Ziering and Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath, things go sufficiently bonkers around the 1:36 mark, because that's when the shark-infested tornado comes in, Judah Friedlander's enormous baseball bat comes out, and a hilariously terrible actor saying, "SIGH. Where is this damn train?" occurs. Don't worry, fans—everything will be just fine.
Whoopee and GAAAAHHHH! Here's the longest trailer yet for Guillermo del Toro's new FX horror show The Strain (debuting on Sunday, July 13), and I'm thinking this show has the potential to scare the crap right into your pants. It's kind of like Twilight... except it is the most different thing from Twilight you will ever see. WATCH! (And... GAHHH!!)
Here's the first full teaser trailer for Guillermo del Toro’s new FX horror show The Strain (which is NOT about what I do to my groin muscle every time I play tennis, I've come to learn). It's based on del Toro and Chuck Hogan's vampire book trilogy, and here's what FX says about it:
A thriller that tells the story of Dr. Ephraim Goodweather (Corey Stoll), the head of the Center for Disease Control Canary Team in New York City. He and his team are called upon to investigate a mysterious viral outbreak with hallmarks of an ancient and evil strain of vampirism. As the strain spreads, Eph, his team, and an assembly of everyday New Yorkers, wage war for the fate of humanity itself.
Also it looks like my last airplane trip coming back from Vegas. Check it out.
The Strain debuts Sunday, July 13 at 10 pm on FX.
When professional stuntman Steven Ho sticks a collapsible samurai sword into Conan O'Brien's gut, it results in the most impressive and hilarious blood bath you'll see all morning. (Unless you're me. It's not even 11 am, and I've already caused three hilarious blood baths.)
The Animal Planet network dips its toe into the terrible-movies-usually-shown-on-Syfy pond with this new flick from the crazed minds of Asylum (the proud papas of Sharknado), called Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys. Pros: It stars Shannon Doherty and a bunch of face-sucking, blood-thirsty lampreys. Cons: ... well, I was going to say that it's a "con" when supposedly educational networks broadcast fake shit like this... but everybody's doing it—so you win, "ignorance."
Oh, and this is a lamprey, by the way.
...since 9/11 extremists affiliated with a variety of far-right wing ideologies, including white supremacists, anti-abortion extremists and anti-government militants, have killed more people in the United States than have extremists motivated by al Qaeda's ideology. According to a count by the New America Foundation, right wing extremists have killed 34 people in the United States for political reasons since 9/11. (The total includes the latest shootings in Kansas, which are being classified as a hate crime).
By contrast, terrorists motivated by al Qaeda's ideology have killed 21 people in the United States since 9/11.
I don't know about you, but when I'm on a plane and a white guy with short hair gets on, I start to get nervous. Shouldn't they be screening people like that or something?
(Via Cynical-C, which also posted this video of a brave libertarian battle against the tyranny of old crossing guards.)
A chopper has crashed near Fisher Plaza. A car is on fire. We will have updates on http://t.co/6Abb2NF1PO. pic.twitter.com/DVHd4H5iQ5
— KIRO 7 (@KIRO7Seattle) March 18, 2014
In a truly horrific catastrophe, a KOMO 4 news helicopter in Seattle crashed this morning just yards from the Space Needle right after takeoff. Witnesses say the helicopter took a nosedive immediately after taking flight, slamming into the ground, hitting two other cars, bursting into flames, and killing two people inside the copter. Here's some terrifying description from KOMO News describing their own tragedy.
Witnesses said a man could be seen running from from one car with his clothing on fire, and he was extinguished by officers at the scene. He was then rushed to Harborview Medical Center in critical condition with burns over more than 50 percent of his body.
Huge flames and plumes of black smoke poured from the burning wreckage, about 50 yards from the base of the Space Needle. Fuel gushing from the wreckage caught fire and burned for a block from the crash scene.
The Seattle Fire Department said two people were found dead in the wreckage.
More info will undoubtedly be coming. Here's video of the scene and KOMO news anchors trying to make sense of this tragedy.
Buried beneath the accolades of True Detective, NBC's Hannibal does not get the appreciation it deserves. (Primarily because NBC knows it has a gorgeous, cable-style adult drama on its hands, is scared to death of it, and therefore refuses to promote it and buries it at 10 pm on Friday nights.) However, I'm doing my part by singing its praises whenever possible, and so is Uproxx which has presented a solid defense on why you should be watching Hannibal every week. Here's a taste of their article, "Why Hannibal is the Best Horror Series on Television":
If there’s a more literary, detail-packed show on television, it’s hard to think of one. For example, one of the key lines, early in the show, is spoken by Hannibal himself: “Killing must feel good to God, too… He does it all the time, and are we not created in His image?”
This is relevant because pretty much everything about Hannibal, from the architecture of his office to the way he holds his fork, tells us he thinks he’s God. In fact, the entire show is carefully written to show Hannibal as less a literate monster and more of a terrifying, corrupting influence, a Lucifer figure so clever you don’t realize he’s corrupting you until it’s far, far too late. And it makes your skin crawl.
Want further proof that Hannibal is currently the smartest, most terrifying show on television? WATCH THE OPENING SCENE OF LAST WEEK'S EPISODE HERE. Dear god... it's TERRIFYING. Trust me, I have a soul and constitution filled with sawdust, so it takes a lot for me to avert my eyes from anything—but this scene? I was actually covering my eyes which I haven't done since I was 12, because I have never seen anything as creepily gorgeous and graphic on any network, cable or otherwise... especially NBC. It's not embeddable, so hit the link, put on your headphones, and watch it full screen. IF YOU DARE.
Don't miss Hannibal tonight on NBC at 10 pm.
As I've stated on numerous occasions, I loooooove Japanese game shows. They are hilarious, they are insane, and they are cruel. That's why I'm also a fan of the little seen American reality competition, Killer Karaoke (returning to Tru TV, Thursday, Feb 20 at 10 pm). The premise is wickedly simple: Contestants sing karaoke songs while being tortured mercilessly by the show's producers. They receive electric shocks, they have to touch slimy things, they fall into holes, and they have to get extremely close to wiggling snakes—all while singing their guts out. And that's just the tip of the torture iceberg. Check out the season two premiere of Killer Karaoke (with new host Mark McGrath who is unfortunately terrible... but easy enough to block out), because it is really butt-clenchingly funny and a very successful entry in the Americanized Japanese game show canon. (Don't have time for the whole thing? Just skip around, you'll undoubtedly land on something amazing.)
Note: That YouTube freeze frame isn't what you think it is.
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