Hey! It's finally drunky-boomstick-meat-and-patriotism season in America! Check out the calendar!
For some people (mainly hillbillies and pyromaniacs), that means it's time for the annual pilgrimage to Vancouver and its plentiful pop-up fireworks emporiums, where arch-hillbillies huckster you to death on dirt roads and under dusty skies.
For everyone else, aside from the illicit joys of an illegal neighborhood light-and-sound show on the night of July 4 itself (and only that night), it's a recipe for weeks of noise and nuisance, especially for veterans and pet owners and parents of light-sleeping babies (same difference).
And, so, Portland's fire and police chiefs have drawn from the city's social-media budget to remind you that all the cool fireworks are illegal in Oregon and also to beg you not to buy them and/or light them on fire.
Game of Throne's big, bloody climax was last week. Last night's season finale mopped up the mess, and assured viewers that yes, there will be consequences. The war may be over, but the conflict isn't.
Spoilers ahoy, after the jump.
Portland is all set to get its own, brief Ben & Jerry's flavor and, as best I can tell, the voting public is intent on screwing it up. Or maybe the ambiguous, confusing voting process—filled with bizarre false equivalencies, disgusting innuendo and arbitrary metrics—is doing the damage?
I don't actually understand how this is being tallied. Apparently job postings are going to have a hand in whether PDX ice cream has blueberries or cherries? And your choice of facial hair dictates whether the rest of us savor graham crackers or marshmallows? But then people can actually vote, too? And none of it really matters because the flavor's going to be available for one day only, and I shouldn't even be writing about this pandering publicity stunt?
But now I've fallen prey to some sort of competitive tug, where I want our flavor to kick other cities' non-Portland asses, and I just feel like we're not there.
Things I support, as voting currently stands:
-Some sort of coffee element, courtesy of Portland Roasting Co.
Things I do not support, as voting currently stands:
-Ice Cream base (because Greek fro yo is delicious)
-Vanilla (because Chocolate exists)
-blueberries (because neither they nor their counterpoint, cherries, are welcome in my ice cream)
-Rogue Ales (because what does that even mean, in an ice cream context that already includes coffee? And because the other choice is pretzels. PRETZELS.)
Is it too much to ask you all to make this right by either voting online or doing some of the convoluted bullshit the Ben & Jerry's people have decided count as actual votes (and who is counting those, I'd like to know)? Because I'll be honest. Seattle's flavor is NOT looking so bad.
And look! They turned Portlandia into an ice cream commercial.
If you haven’t read the books and the events of last night’s Game of Thrones were a surprise to you, then you’re probably experiencing all kinds of bad feel-feels right now. Anger. Confusion. Perplexment. It’s okay. I understand. Cry if you need to. Want to hit something? Hit this pillow. C’mere. Let’s hug it out. Shhhh. It’s okay. I’m going to explain to you why it’s all for the best, after the jump.
When you play the Game of Thrones you win or you die. That’s not quite true, though. Some pawns don’t die. Some just suffer. Some get used and forced to play their part, some are thrown in cells, some get outmaneuvered and bitch about it at weddings, and some have leeches put on their junk. Last night's Game of Thrones was all about what happens when you play the game, lose, and do something other than merely die.
Spoilers aplenty after the jump.
George R. R. Martin wrote last night's episode of Game of Thrones. Seeing his name at the top of the show, I expected some kind of world-shaking events to take place plot-wise. That didn't happen. Various plots certainly moved forward, but the real developments were all character-based. No cities fell or heads rolled, but we did see characters grow. Learn. Get more interesting. Also, there was shit-tons of nudity and a huge apex predator.
Craig Mosbaek went to bed Friday night assuming nothing was amiss outside his house near SE 30th and Division, hardly a hotbed of mayhem and trouble. He woke up the next morning to something a little startling and a lot annoying.
His lawn sign endorsing Portland's water fluoridation measure—Mosbaek is a public health consultant, former state official, and occasional volunteer for the campaign—had been torched at some point in the night. It was there when Mosbaek walked his dog around 8 pm Friday. This is what he saw in its place the next day:
"I woke up and went outside and saw the sign wasn't there," he says, "and I looked closer and you could see the ashes on the grass below the sign and a little bit of melted plastic stuck to the metal supports for the sign. I found a pack of matches close to it, too. I figured that's what happened."
Well, that was weird. Bleakness. Death. Hopelessness. Last night's Game of Thrones was short on action and long on angst and death. Compared to the last two episodes it was something a tad slow. It certainly had more brooding than action and more setup than payoff. A mixed bag, all around.
That, and a character death that I quite frankly did not see coming.
Awfulness is everywhere. More after the jump.
Last night's Game of Thrones successfully combined scheming and plotting with action- wheels were being wound up, but we also got to see plots unfold. The vast majority of it was in one-on-one scenes with characters who opposed each other in some way. Each bit of it had tension, conflict, and usually a satisfying payoff. Also, there was lots of blood and nudity.
Oh, good. I was getting a little worried there. Three episodes in, and Game of Thrones was doing a whole lot of setup and not a lot of head-whacking. Last night, though, that changed.
This episode knocked down all the dominoes that the first three set up, and the result was wonderful. Blood, death, torture, and incineration abounded. Intrigue was, well, intrigued, barbs were exchanged, and, just like they say in the show, some people won and some people died.
Yeah, we'll get to the ending.
Game of Thrones was pretty genre-bendy last night, with elements of comedy, horror, and horror comedy. Skin was bared. Bread products were given. A very important body part was removed. Then, out of nowhere THAT SONG. Oh god, that song.
Spoilers after the jump.
Last night's Game of Thrones was a road movie. Robb set out for Riverrun, Breanne and Jaime stomped through the wilderness, Arya and Gendry met some forest guys, Jon and Sam walked through snow to somewhere, and Bran is having weird dreams while being wagon-ed about by Hodor. Road movies, though, aren't about the destination (you know that already, though) they're about the journey, man. Last night it looked like everyone learned a thing or two. About the world around them, about their traveling companions, and about themselves. Yeah.
Spoilers after the jump.
Before any board game, you have to set up the pieces. Maybe you’re arranging army tokens all over a Risk board or distributing resources all over a Settlers of Catan map, but inherent in that setup phase is suspense and conjecture. You’re trying to guess, from the setup, what the players are going to do and where the pieces are going to move. You’re looking for points of potential conflict and areas of difficulty. Maybe in this game of Risk everyone will be fighting over Africa. Perhaps in this go of Catan the players will all be squabbling over sheep. You don’t know yet- but you’re squinting at the board and trying to make a guess.
That was last night’s episode of Game of Thrones- chessmen were lined up, points of conflict were defined, and all the players were staring at the board, wondering where this was all going to go. It wasn’t exactly filled with blood and battles, but as setups go, it did the job.
Spoilers after the jump.
The third season of Game of Thrones starts on Sunday night, which means you've got just enough time to burn through season two once more—or, fine, for the first time, if, for whatever stupid reason, you haven't yet done so. The best way to do that? The impressive Blu-ray set, which, like the first season's, is a remarkable package. Few shows are as well-suited for in-depth obsessing-over as Game of Thrones, and these Blu-rays not only help you do that, they pretty much demand it.
I'll try to remain spoiler free below, but if you're nervous all the same, here's the short version: Unlike about 99 percent of Blu-rays, these are an excellent investment. If you like the show, you should get them; if you haven't started watching it yet, well, these are the way to start.
I would watch this.
I mean, don't get me wrong: I'd rather have an ad that shows actual footage, possibly with the tagline "SEASON THREE IS GONNA BE INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNE UP IN WESTEROS," but apparently HBO feels otherwise. Fine, whatever, HBO. This will suffice, I guess. FOR NOW.
Eh. It's a shorter wait than it is until the next book, at least. Via io9.
Holy christ Game of Thrones STILL ISN'T BACK ON because they're apparently taking as long to make the TV show as George R.R. Martin takes to write each book, which is to say 24 billion years. But here's something you can buy me in order to keep me from being miserable company until 2047, when season three starts! Inside HBO's Game of Thrones comes out next month and will feature "Hundreds of set photos, production and costume designs, storyboards, and insider stories" and is "bound in a lavishly debossed padded cover"—meaning I can use it as a pillow so that I'll dream about Ygritte every night! Haha, just kidding, that'd be weird. I already dream about Ygritte every night.
Via Not a Blog, also known as "That LiveJournal Where George R.R. Martin Posts Animated .gifs of Little Aliens In Order to Describe His Moods."
1) I'd hoped to do a full, thorough review of the Game of Thrones videogame that came out a few weeks ago; the game's release was timed perfectly with the ending of the show's second season, and since the Great Bearded Glacier's next book is probably a couple of decades away—
—I'd assumed a lengthy, sleep-depriving visit to Westeros via my Xbox would be a foregone conclusion. However:
2) The Game of Thrones videogame is remarkably mediocre; after having it for several weeks, I still haven't managed to force myself to play much of it. It's a chore, and while I might be a Thrones junkie, I'd like to think even junkies have their limits.
3) Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh. The game isn't terrible, and once you get past its dated graphics, bland quests, clunky combat, and bare-bones presentation—the game frequently looks like it's from the last console generation, not this one, and there's a severe lack of polish to the interface and menus, where you have to spend a lot of time—there are some good ideas here. For example: When you pick your abilities, you also have to pick a set of weaknesses. (I picked a collapsed lung! Because I had one of those once! IT'S LIKE I'M LIVING THE GAME) Or: George R.R. Martin helped out on story. Or: You can tell that the developers at Cyanide dig the books' universe; the graphics might not be much, but the style and the color palette do a solid job of matching what Westeros should feel like.
4) Well, what the books' version of Westeros should feel like, anyway; while there are some elements here from the HBO show—the theme song, a few of the actors, but not any of the ones you care about—most of them feel like they were tacked on at the last-minute. Cyanide reportedly worked on this game for seven years, which maybe explains why it feels so dated; it also might explain why the newer, HBO-approved elements stand out like Varys at a whorehouse.
It can be sent directly to me at the Mercury, and I shall place it in the center of the office, on a raised dais, and every word I write henceforth shall bear the authority of the King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm. I thank you in advance.
Game of Thrones' second season ended last night. I'm happy, because it was a good ending to a good season, but I'm also sad because Game of Thrones is over now. The whole thing was kind of a comedown after last week's immense Battle of the Blackwater, but the finale wrapped up several hanging plot threads and set things up nicely for season three.
Spoilers after the jump.
I was a little worried about Blackwater, last night’s episode of Game of Thrones. The Siege of King’s Landing is no small thing, and I was wondering if HBO was going to be up to the task portraying a gigantic battle filled to the brim with boats and fire and dudes with swords. As much violence and fighting as Game of Thrones has had so far, none of it has been on any kind of grand scale. Battles have been talked about and edited around, but never has the camera really gone into the thick of it. This was new territory for the show. Was Game of Thrones up to the task?
Yes. Yes it was.
Spoilers (and way too much excitement) after the jump.
Last night's Game of Thrones episode was another hour of setup. There wasn't much in the way big, important events—it was a lot of anticipation for next week. Stannis' fleet is on the way to King's Landing, and this was the calm before the storm. Things are going to go boom, but first all the pieces need to be set up.
Spoilers, after the jump.
The Game of Thrones RPG came out yesterday (we've got a review copy en route, and I'll blog some impressions once it shows up), but hey, look at this: A digital version of
author George R.R. Martin "Maester Martin" from the game, where the bespectacled fellow awkwardly talks about how he's writing a history of Westeros and—oh ho ho!—he still hasn't finished writing it! But he will soon! He swears!
So I'm guessing the point of this in-game encounter is that sometimes maesters will just straight up lie to your face. Lesson learned, Game of Thrones RPG. That said, hopefully your character will be able to smash the shit out of whatever wooden barrels Maester Martin has in his little hovel, in which you will no doubt find crudely scratched outlines for The Winds of Winter and A Dream of Spring and then BLOOP! ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: LEARNED JON SNOW'S PARENTAGE and SAD VALYRIAN TROMBONE NOISE! LEVEL FAILED: YOU CANNOT KILL THE SANSA AND/OR BRIENNE NPCS NO MATTER HOW ANNOYING THEY ARE OR HOW MUCH THEY KEEP DISTRACTING YOU FROM EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON IN WESTEROS THAT IS ACTUALLY OF INTEREST.
Via Topless Robot.
Change is necessary in adaptations. What works well in print isn't going to necessarily work well on screen, and any successful adaptation has to make the source material its own. Last night's episode of Game of Thrones was probably the biggest departure from the books so far, and probably caused not a few fans of A Song of Ice and Fire to explode in fiery bouts of nerd rage. I enjoyed, it, though. HBO has altered a lot of the substance of the series, but in doing so they've left the spirit of the source material unaltered. If anything, the changes have largely made the TV series feel even more Game of Thrones-y, if that makes any sense.
Spoilers aplenty after the jump.
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