If you were in downtown Portland yesterday you likely witnessed many a Juggalo aimlessly milling about. Painted clowns of all ages—including plenty of teens (Fucking Magnet Schools, how do they work?)—were killing time waiting for their beloved Insane Clown Posse to appear at the Roseland Theater.
The hardworking tourist wranglers at Voodoo Doughnuts surely noticed, and they decided to design some special treats for their hungry Juggalo (How is The Hungry Juggalo not a cart?) customers. The frosting hatchet is a nice touch.
We ran a drunken, crazy, greasy photo essay from Insane Clown Posse's Gathering of the Juggalos last year, but filmmaker Sean Dunne has captured a completely different feel in his beautifully shot mini-documentary about the Juggalos and Jugglettes. The whole thing comes off feeling surreal, like a boobs-and-curse-word-heavy psychedelic trip.
Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: Hey ninja, the trailer for the 2011 Gathering of the Juggalos is now online. How about you post it?
Me: Oh, I don't know. I think I'm off the Juggalo "beat."
Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: Excuse me?
Me: I'm just tired of it. It's like covering Keyboard Cat.
Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: Wait, what's wrong with Keyboard Cat?
Me: Uh, nothing.
Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: Post this video or I will kill your family while wearing this.
Hey Galactic Haters, hope you enjoy all 27 minutes of this. Vanilla Ice is in it. He pronounces "earth" as "errrf."
End Hits: I can't believe Jandek is playing.
Awhile back, Boss Humphrey outed me as not only a Juggalo (that's bad), but as a breeder (that's worse) as well. Although that post is over a year old, it's new to commenter "KarmaKarnival," who left this message for me:
LMAO thanks Ezra for showing people Lo's and lette's can be awesome parents,not just a name on a child support check lol. I'm a Juggalette and a single mom of an awesome baby girl. MMFCL hope to see you at a show if I ever get out of my house again! lol Woop woop
Aw, how sweet. And just in case you are curious, MMFCL means "Much MotherFucking Clown Love" (I had to look that up). A good woop woop to you all.
End Hits: Juggalos with checkbooks.
For reasons unknown, the Oregonian's "Non-Foodie Food Guide" neglected to include this chain of restaurants:BUFFET HUT: THE ONLY FAMILY BUFFET OWNED BY JUGGALOS. (Maybe Faygo hasn't been advertising enough?)
The Boss: Um, yeah, Ezra, we're going to need you to come in and work on Labor Day.
Me: Fine, but I'm going to do nothing but watch ICP videos all day.
The Boss: Oh, and remember: next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
Here is the new Insane Clown Posse video for "Juggalo Island" (congratulations Island of Doctor Moreau, you are now the second worst island in the world). And yes, he just said “there’s a mermaid wavin’ me to come in, underwater on my balls she’s hummin.’” Underwater mermaid-to-clown blowjobs!
End Hits: "We all in a free ballin' see me shore side surfin' on a dolphin."
“I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the sh*t out of the port-0-potty and threw sh*t and piss at me when I was onstage.”
A witness who did not want to be identified because he feared Juggalo retribution told CNN:
"She was taunting them," he said. "She didn't know how to handle them. She didn't understand the dynamic."
The rocks and bottles flew harder and faster when Tequila bared her breasts, he said.
"She took her top off and they got really violent," he said.
The CNN report says that she eventually escaped with blood running down her face. Whatever you think of Tila Tequila, obviously no one deserves this type of treatment, and the people who did this to her are absolute pricks and have destroyed any good will the Juggs may have had. And the guy in the video below who witnessed the attack, and thinks its the funniest thing in the world is a useless prick without a shred of human decency as well. Audio NSFW.
A-MA-ZING! From news.com.au:
Read the rest of this amazing story here. (Australia has the internet, right? Sure, because they're on the internet. Maybe they're just "on" the internet, but have never bothered reading it?)
Despite a noble effort, the Mississippi Wreckers—the softball team of Mississippi Records—fell to Team Mercury this weekend by a final score of 10-4.
That means that we get to collect on our bet.
For an entire week a music poster of our choice will adorn the front window of Mississippi Records for all to see. Since we're a blog of the people—plus too lazy to actually decide such things—we're letting the citizens of Blogtown choose for us.
The poster options are: Godsmack, Insane Clown Posse, or Justin Bieber. For the first two, I imagine a field trip to Hot Topic will be necessary. For the latter, I'll just steal it off Wm.™ Steven Humphrey's wall after he's passed out from one of his famous afternoon meetings with Mr. Bartles and Mr. Jaymes. If Godsmack, ICP, or Das Bieb don't cut it for you, feel free to suggest a write-in candidate.
The top vote getter by tomorrow at noon—or the best write-in suggestion—will be the winning poster.
KATU has the scoop on the most bizarre Juggalo-related kidnapping plot you will read about today. The details are a little confusing, but basically it involves the city of Corvallis, a "gut feeling," Craigslist, a mugshot of a woman with a shiner, and kidnapping clown gangs.
Whatever, here is a quote worthy of a thousand Pulitzers:
Appelt, who is tied to a gang that wears clown makeup, known as The Juggalos, has not been charged with a crime.
The Juggalo Gang has been foiled again! But where will these Faygo-fueled gangsters strike next? Until they are stopped, no one is safe. I've seen Colors, this can't end well.
Thanks to our former coworker Scott Moore for the link. He left this fine publication to follow ICP around the country (career wise, this is considered a lateral move), and has never looked back.
Granted, the number six Trimet bus is hardly a mobile gathering of esteemed scholars, but even I was shocked when my seat neighbor loudly exclaimed that the newly erected Cirque du Soleil tent on the south waterfront was for "fumigation or some shit." Sadly he was incorrect. (If he was right, just imagine the pile of gassed, deceased clowns.) The brightly colored bigtop was actually for KOOZA, the latest Cirque du Soleil venture to pass this way.
While clown coverage is hardly my beat at this paper, perhaps my previous Juggalo experience made me the best person to appreciate KOOZA's steady balance of clownish whimsy, sensory overload, and the sheer terror of two-plus hours of contortion and gaudy leotards. The "art of clowning" (their term, definitely not mine) was on full display as the largely unimportant plot line followed a "a melancholy loner in search of his place in the world."
As with any of their events, the level of physical contortion was incredible, as was the acrobatic prowess and the impressive stage setup. Backed by a seven piece live band (a nice touch) perched upon a balcony, the KOOZA troupe cycled through a wide array of extreme contortion, highwire balancing, vigorous air-humping, and other wacky activities that delighted the mostly bridge and tunnel crowd. Considering a ticket price ($35-87.50) that is slightly out of most folks' clown-based entertainment budget, it's a hard sell to fully recommend KOOZA to anyone under the age of 60, or over the age of 12. (Perhaps this goes without saying, but if you do go, you definitely should get very high beforehand.)
When you're a Juggalo, sometimes it's hard to just stop and smell the roses, know what I mean? That's why we should thank our lucky ninja stars for the Insane Clown Posse's newest video "Miracles," which reminds us that even when we take the world for granted, there's "magic everywhere in this bitch!"
Get ready to love life again!!
For even more life affirmations, see End Hits.
Attention Juggalos! Were you at the Twiztid show on Saturday?
A big crazy ninja HT to Miranda.
Documentarian Martin Bashir (he of Michael Jackson fame) has now interviewed the next best thing: JUGGALOS! Check out this short clip from last night's Nightline episode where the ever solemn Bashir interviews Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope of the Insane Clown Posse, and somehow, someway does not erupt in gales of laughter.
If you need some mad newz up in yo grillz, bitchas, this here is the shit-poppin'-est newscast ya evah heard, YA HEARD?? It's time once again for THE JUGGALO NEWS NETWORK. Pass the Faygo, ho.
(Audio NSFW, obvs.)
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