Hey guys, I talked with John Waters. I can die now. It's fine. There's nothing left for me. We talked about how awesome Portland is, Baltimore roller derby girls, and his new book, where he hitchhiked across the country. He's doing a one-man Christmas show tonight at the Aladdin. It is most hellaciously sold out, but you might try hanging around the door if you're feeling lucky. I wrote a piece about it—read it here. And here's some other stuff he said:
ON BOOKS AND FREEDOM—"[I own] probably about 8,500 books. I live in three places, so they’re full everywhere. I’ve always said that’s what 'rich' is, nothing else except you can buy any book you want without looking at the price. And the other thing I call 'rich' is that you never have to be around assholes, you’ve worked so hard you never have to be around jerks. I’m very thankful that I can do both those two things. I’m not around jerks and I can almost buy any book I want. That’s really why I, still, work 10-hour days."
More after the jump.
Four years ago I began a relationship with a woman that turned romantic. A year later, I left my husband and moved in with her. She's beautiful on the inside and out and I love her dearly but our relationship has had its ups and downs. My biggest issue is that she won't introduce me to her family. She comes from a fairly conservative family and, according to her, they're quite homophobic. She came out when she was 18 and she was estranged from her family for a few years as a result. She has since reconciled with them but their relationship is fragile and she treads carefully around them to keep the peace. I can understand that... except... her brother is gay and out to the family and his longterm partner is embraced as a member of the family. My partner's father recently died and she took off for a few weeks to help care for him in his last days. When he died, she didn't ask me to come to the funeral or to join her for any of the other observances. I hate to seem selfish during her time of grieving but her refusal to share me—share our partnership, our life together—with her family really hurts. On top of it all, her father's obituary—which she wrote—listed her husband (she's still married, in order to get his health insurance) as her spouse. Am I crazy for sticking around?
The Silent Partner
P.S. Thanks in advance for your help, Dan. I've only confided in a few friends and they all say I should dump her. But I would appreciate the perspective of someone who is less straight.
My response after the jump...
If you're the type of person who starts shit on Twitter and/or engages in Twitter battles, I kinda think you're one of the fucking lowest of the low. Twitter isn't YouTube comments and just because you CAN say something, it doesn't mean you SHOULD. Can we keep just one tiny section of the internet dick free? You know who you are.
That being said, if you are going to fight on Twitter, at least do it in a super adorable way... like the writing staffs for CBS' updated Sherlock Holmes drama Elementary and Fox's new supernatural show, Sleepy Hollow. I wasn't super interested in watching either show until I read this string of hilariously adorable tweets of oneupmanship. Here's just a tiny section. HUGS!
Read the entire very funny exchange here, and watch Elementary on CBS (Thursdays, 10 pm) and Sleepy Hollow on Fox (Mondays, 9 pm).
I'm sports-illiterate, so forgive me if I mess this up: WNBA players Diana Taurasi and Seimone Augustus have known each other for a long time. They have an affectionate rivalry, since they play on opposing teams. In the below clip, you can see Augustus and Taurasi preparing to, uh, I don't know, block each other? Is that what basketball players do? When they get close, after a few pushes, Taurasi gives Augustus a kiss on the cheek. As men often do when women kiss in public places, the referee immediately injects himself into the equation. He calls them for fouls—double technicals, they're apparently called.
USA Today's Mike Foss notes that sports players touch each other all the time—on the ass, on the shoulders, on the hands, on the heads—and so the foul seems unnecessary to him, and to me. But what do I know? Sports!
Like this Japanese reporter.
Your faithful servant Alex here. I just wanted to write you to thank you for finally allowing me to realize the full joy of basic commerce in the downtown core. Before you came into my life, I had to bus all the way out to Jantzen Beach. There are fewer darker times man can face.
Target, I can never thank you enough for ending my years of misery buying household items at Rite Aid, where I was pretty sure I was getting a couple of the hepatitises every time I walked in. You are clean and beautiful in a way I didn't think was possible. I know you're shiny and new, but I have faith you'll stay shiny long after your newness wears off.
City (o), you are incredibly kind. I can tell. Every time I walk in (often!) I'm greeted by dozens of red-shirted helpers with huge grins. Sure, they have no idea where to find anything at this point, but I'm sure that'll get better when you've been open longer.
I love that you have a cartscalator! I feel like I'm living in the future! And I love your shiny, well constructed little carts. I'm sure the homeless population that will be living in them soon also thanks you.
Understand me, Target. I'm not blind to your faults. I realize you're a complicated, imperfect entity, just like I am. Your inventory is amusingly limited. Once your army of employees learn the store, I'm sure they'll skip from "let me check" right to "We don't carry that. Where do you think you are, Jantzen Beach?" In fact, I'll probably memorize your store as fast as your employees because you carry almost no merchandise.
But I love you for that too. It must be difficult to make a profit paying downtown rent and only carrying 15 or 20 things. But you're trying. You're trying for me, City Target! I'm honored to have your affection.
With love and kindest regards,
I complained a lot about the terrible vendors I had to deal with before my wedding. And some were pretty bad while others were the WORST (Ohana party rentals and their lies, two different hair people who canceled on very short notice). But some vendors were genuinely wonderful and I wanted to take a second to give some shout outs.
Taco Pedaler makes excellent tacos and related items. Really good and really fun to work with. They ought charge way more for them and now that our wedding is over, I don't mind them finding that out.
Elephants Deli has a garden room in their 22nd Ave location that is a beautiful place to hold a dinner party. And the food was awesome.
Portland Parks only reserves locations in the calendar year so you have to wait in line at 4am on January 3rd. It's not ideal, but they're super nice about it and an employee even showed up an hour before they opened with free coffee for everybody in line.
Something Borrowed is like a magic portal between where you are and where Pinterest wants you to be. I encourage renting all your kitschy wedding needs (like mason jars).
Citrine & Blue took our photos and they were completely awesome. Easy to work with and great results. Photography is the most saturated part of wedding industry in Portland, but these two are a step above everybody else.
Okay, that's enough positivity for one week. I'll be back soon with more snark.
I got straight-married the other day. The traditional kind of marriage that some people are working really hard to protect. "The way things have been for thousands of years." You know, that one marriage. The sacred one.
Except the whole process struck me as being really unsacred. All you need to get married in Oregon (besides exactly one penis and one vagina) is $60, a couple signatures, and to wait three days. Or $70 and don't have to wait. Because traditional marriage is so sacred, you have to fork over a full tenner to rush into it. There's as much romance in the legal part of getting married as if I had shipped my wife FedEx.
A legal wedding in Oregon can be officiated by anybody who is ordained by any organization and no verification of the ordination is required. But wait, it gets better. A wedding can be officiated by anybody who CLAIMS to be ordained even if they aren't (as long as the couple believed they were ordained [ORS 106.130]). While it's currently illegal for two guys to get married, it's perfectly legal for opposite-gendered couples to get married by Darth Vader as long as he makes a convincing case that he has the authority to marry them. The traditional way.
People claim that legalizing gay marriage could lead to people marrying dogs, but it's currently possible for a dog to marry straight people to each other TONIGHT as long he's got a believable bark and they fork over the $70.
Oregon has no rules about what a wedding ceremony must entail, as long as the couple agrees to take each other as husband and wife in front of at least two witnesses (who could be anybody, including storm troopers). That's not a holy institution, it's a bureaucratic joke, a rubber stamp.
Even more ridiculous, there's no laws against the wedding couple paying for Photoshopped images of them running from ATAT attacks.
If we actually valued marriage and wanted to protect its sanctity, we need to immediately legalize same-sex marriage and outlaw Star Wars themed weddings.
Think you've damaged your current relationship beyond repair? Well, you haven't done everything you can to save it until you watch and apply the knowledge you learn from this video of "Sandy Cohen's Guide to Love." If the dad from The O.C. can't save your doomed relationship? THEN IT WAS NEVER WORTH HAVING AT ALL.
"Yeaaaah, Parks and Recreation is ohh-kay... but I'm not sure if I'll watch it this season or not." SHUT YOUR CORN HOLE! You absolutely WILL be watching Parks and Recreation this season if for this reason only: In at least one episode, Mercury dreamboat #1 Sam Elliott will be guest-starring! SQUEEEEEEEE!!
From TV Line:
Acting vet Sam Elliott has signed on to guest star in an episode of the NBC comedy as Ron Swanson’s aggressively mustached counterpart/doppelganger in neighboring Eagleton, TVLine has learned exclusively.
Elliott will appear in the same episode that features Kristen Bell as Leslie’s “richer and better dressed”
And Kristen Bell, too??? SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (After the jump a picture of the greatest day of my life... which would've only been better had Kristen Bell been there at the same time.)
Like you, probably, I've pretty much switched over to Netflix and Hulu and iTunes and other streaming methods to watch the shows I want to watch—waiting around for a network to air something I can see on-demand, at a time of my choosing, is increasingly pointless. HOWEVER, there is one network that I have recently fallen in love with, and I'm compelled to stop at whatever they have on whenever I'm flicking through the channels.
Here are some wonderful things I happened to come across on the This network while channel surfing in the past couple weeks:
The Golden Voyage of Sinbad: The 1973 Ray Harryhausen followup to the classic The 7th Voyage of Sinbad. This one's decidedly less classic, starring John Philip Law as a handsome wooden post with pecs and piercing blue eyes, Caroline Munro as a walking, talking bosom, and Tom fucking Baker as the villainous Koura. It's so great, and the Harryhausen sequences are as mesmerizing as anything he ever did. Trailer here.
Blind Rage: A 1978 grindhouse flick from the Philippines about five blind men who team up to rob a bank, only to be stopped by Fred Williamson, who drops into the movie for the final 10 minutes. Oh my god, this movie is so amazing. I showed the trailer to Erik Henriksen and he immediately bought the DVD from Amazon five seconds later.
The Hunting Party: A 1971 western that I didn't know existed, starring Oliver Reed and a young Candice Bergen. (Oliver Reed + western = :D :D :D <3.) I guess Gene Hackman's in this thing, too (here's the trailer), but I only caught a few minutes of it—during which I also witnessed...
The Greatest Commercial Ever Made. This came on close to midnight last night and took my breath away. It is amazing, wonderful, just perfect in every way:
Thank you, This Network. Please never stop doing the things you do.
AdWeek calls the new Ibis Hotel "Snuggling Bunnies" spot "the year's most shamelessly adorable commercial." BUT IS IT REALLY? Yes, you have baby bunnies cuddling together on an impossibly soft bed... but I sincerely can't tell if it's "cute." Years of incessantly mean internet comments have sucked every last "feeling" from my dried husk of heart (thanks for that, by the way)—so now I need other people to tell me when something is actually adorable or not. To me, it just looks like dinner.
If anything, the Mercury is committed to keeping you up-to-date on the latest obsessions of 11-year-old girls, and UK girl group Little Mix are your tween niece's new favoritest thing EVARRR. The four young ladies were contestants on The X Factor UK before all joining forces, becoming heirs apparent to the Spice Girls' throne (it's a really nice throne, but they left a lot of gum under the seat).
And the mania has already started. Here is the video for "Wings," which was a huge hit in Britain last year and is slowly but surely going to do the same here. It's the kind of song that you can't fucking stand for the first 60 seconds, then you slowly warm up to for the next 60, and by the end you are a shrieking, teary-eyed fanatic.
So "Wings" is all fine and good, but what I really want to show you is this wonderful, heartwarming video of Little Mix's first CD signing in the US, at a mall somewhere in the New York area (they want you to think it's Manhattan, but I bet it's somewhere in Jersey). These fans—girls all, except for one very special boy at the 2:34 mark—are SOOO HAPPY to meet their heroes. I bet they already have picked their favorite Little Mixes, like the violet-haired one with the Scottish accent, or the one with the creepily huge doll hair with the pretty bow in it, or the tough (read: black—see also: Scary Spice) one with the backwards combat-green hat, or the one that looks a little like Thnooki (that's "Thin Snooki").
These borderline hysterical fans are delightful, and this is guaranteed to put a smile on your face. :D
I have tremendous admiration for Lena Dunham. I enjoy Girls very much (it hits this nice balance where I relate to it and find it well observed, but it also makes me feel smug and wise for not being 24 anymore). I appreciate Dunham's willingness to cop to her mistakes, and most of all I admire that she's maintained an affable sense of humor in the face of all the shit that's been thrown at her. In a great article in the LA Times yesterday, Dunham broke down three episodes from the last season of Girls: Hannah's affair with Patrick Wilson; Adam's sploogy sex scene with Natalia; and the season finale. Her response to the backlash against the Hannah/Patrick Wilson hookup is perfect:
I get so tired of having to cry out "misogyny," but that's what's going on in this situation. People questioning the idea that a woman could sleep with a man who defied her lot in the looks bracket hews so closely to these really outdated ideas about what makes a woman worth spending time with. Really? Can you not imagine a world in which a girl who's sexually down for anything and oddly gregarious pulls a guy out of his shell for two days? They're not getting married. They're spending two days [having sex], which is something that people do.
Motion to give the Key to the City to the One True b!X for his heroic efforts to document SE Portland's adorable lawnmower goats. Goat gavel gaveled, goat motion approved. Congratulations, b!X. Congratulations, goats.
Known goat names:BaileyLeftyDutchess CarlChesterBambiCooperHickoryDusty
— The One True b!X (@theonetruebix) May 28, 2013
Dear Ryan Gosling,
I would really appreciate it if you listened to what Nicolas Winding Refn, the director for the upcoming Only God Forgives, is trying to say to you. It sounds like his theory on sex and violence might actually be interesting and helpful for your role—except for the fact that you keep doing an adorable slow burn straight at the camera and I can't help but fall into your beautiful eyes, and... and... and... and... oh christ. What was I saying?
I got lots and lots of wedding advice from readers of my hilarious article The Hitching Post and its Blogtown predecessors. Thanks to everybody who commented, e-mailed me, tried to sell me their wedding venue on Twitter, and talked about me on the Portland Weddings Facebook Group.
I've decided I'm going to take ALL OF THE ADVICE. It's the only fair thing to do, loyal readers. Here are just some of the great ideas you've had for me:
 Pay for it myself. Several people were upset that our parents are paying for our wedding. You guys are totally right. I'm going to tell my future father in law to shove his generosity just so nobody thinks less of me.
 Hire a wedding planner. Thanks for the suggestion, wedding planners!
 Stay away from wedding planners. Everybody who isn't a wedding planner agrees, they're not necessary.
 Elope. It's the only way I can guarantee no wedding planners will get near me.
 Taste way more cakes. Thanks for the suggestion, bakers!
 Make my own cake. Thanks for the suggestion, Betty Crocker!
 Have Voodoo doughnuts or pie instead of cake. Thanks for the suggestion, people with terrible taste in dessert!
 Skip the cake entirely. Everybody has an opinion about the cake, including the woman who said nobody cares about the cake. So the only thing to do is skip it entirely.
 Not get married at all. Thanks for the suggestion, single/divorced people!
 Invite one lucky Blogtown reader to my wedding. Email a picture of your butt (or somebody else's butt) to editor Wm. Steven Humphrey right here and he'll pick his favorite one. If you don't hear back right away, send him another picture of a butt.
 Have a good time and don't listen to anybody. I think this one's a paradox, but it was the most popular suggestion so I'll try to take that one while still doing all the others.
Any more ideas? Post them in the comments along with a picture of a butt.
UGGGHHNNN!! Thursdays! Amirite? Look... but all you have to do is get through the rest of the day, and then it's T... G... I... F!! So here's a motivational video to assist you in pushing through your insanely tedious Thursday—because after all, at least you're not harvesting Asiatic clams.
I was told by several people that my fiancee and I should create a mood board for our upcoming wedding. We should find inspiration for decorating our ceremony and our reception, they said. Try Pinterest, they said. You'll love it, they said.
They were wrong.
Pinterest is the social network that allows women to share recipes they haven't cooked and look at pictures of weddings they weren't invited to. The wedding posts share a common aesthetic (a sea of mason jars, chalk boards, and paper lanterns) and a general agreement that you are nothing unless you're married (mixed in with the photos of mason jars is advice on keeping your house cleaned, making your husband happy, and how you're a valuable human now that you're a Mrs instead of a miss).
Most people seem to be planning weddings that aren't even scheduled yet. Comments and board titles are frequently of the "Someday <3" variety. A note to ladies: if you like pinning photos of weddings and you're not planning a wedding, you need to hide that shit like a porno collection. I speak for all men here (I asked, they said it was fine) when I say THAT IS SO CREEPY. You're not interested in a wedding that reflects a mutual style? Guys are just plug-and-play? "Someday my prince will come." Yeah, and when he meets you, hopefully he won't notice how long you've spent planning his future before you met him.
Even more interesting, I found several posts from women who were already married. "I know I'm married but I love these dresses so much." Title that board "Someday my prince will leave."
Similar to the pinning recipes, these fantasy brides seem overly optimistic about their own craftiness. "20 simple wedding ideas you can make from recycled soda cans, paint, a tree trunk, a table saw, Elmer's glue, a bolt of fabric, and a kiln." I hope the generic prince you're going to snag has some woodworking tools, because people who spend all day on the Internet do not make things.
Weddings are difficult enough. I don't want to have single women pressuring me to work harder on making my own modern/classic/retro centerpieces from things lying around my house. That isn't going to make me a whole person; the only thing that can is going from a Mr. to a Mr.
We're under budget on our Save The Dates. That's good news. We're spending money on pre-invitations to warn people that the real invitations are coming. That's dumb.
Save The Dates (STDs) are necessary because it would be ghastly to get invited to an event without being forewarned about the invitation's arrival. We spent about $200 on them including paper, printing, photos, envelopes, and postage. It's not a bad deal as far as STDs go, but couldn't we just send an eVite and then use that $200 to make it rain during the first dance?
Much dumber are chair covers. They're white cloth and ribbon combos that you put over your chairs because it would be GHASTLY to have people sit on uncovered chairs. They run between $1.50 and $5/chair cover (To rent! You don't even get to keep them in case you have another stupid wedding later). We will not be renting chair covers because my fiancee saw this picture of them and decided she didn't like them:
Cake toppers are those little plastic people you put on top of the wedding cake to remind people they're at a wedding. Because a wedding cake without action figures would be ghastly.
These are shockingly expensive ($50 for basic ones and they go [way] up from there) and for many couples, another chance to make a horrible decision. For example, this topper which I was told is a best seller.
We're still undecided about a cake topper, but I'm lobbying for this one because there aren't enough mermice in the world.
So, I'm kind of having a problem this week. As you know we published this guy on our cover this week:
The issue is currently sitting on my desk, and every time I look up at him, I kind of sigh, and get distracted, and have to shake my head until I can refocus on what I'm actually supposed to be doing. Guys! I THINK I HAVE A CRUSH! And because I don't know what to do about it, I did the smartest possible thing: I asked TV's Amy Poehler and her fantastic advice giving video segment for teens "Ask Amy."
Here's what I wrote:
I really like this guy. We have a lot in common, but I don't think he knows about my feelings. I'm sort of shy, but I want to be with him. What do I do?
And here's her response.
THANK YOU, AMY!!!! As always you are always right... and Pavel? I really, really like you! (Wait. He only speaks RUSSIAN? Goddammit.)
That's how Andrew Sullivan characterizes the "scholarly study by Dorothy Gambrell of the 'missed connections' section of Craigslist. This is where you thought you saw your future spouse or date or hook-up, state by state."
I understand Sullivan's use of the adjective "sad," but for me, the primary effect is fascination. Take Oregon, for example. Does this mean the bus holds the most horny/amorous folks, or that the bus holds the most horny/amorous folks who are too wussy to chat up their potential love objects and thus must rely on after-the-fact approaches liked Missed Connections?
"California is an actual self-parody (as is Nevada)," notes Sullivan. "But the saddest state of all has to be Indiana. There, the majority of 'missed connections' were 'at home.'"
Well, how am I supposed to know? GO AND CHECK FOR YOURSELF! Here are but a few....
C'mon! You know you got one! GO LOOK.
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