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A Retired Teacher Says He'll Starve Until Mayor Charlie Hales Reforms the Police Bureau


Monday, July 21, 2014

RIP James Garner: Actor/Political Activist/Object of SWOON!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jul 21, 2014 at 10:44 AM

Besides being a low-key, jovial and talented actor, James Garner (who died this weekend, if you haven't heard) was also a life-long staunch Democrat who walked the walk, and talked the talk. Here he is at the 1963 March on Washington...

  • via Inquisitr

SWOON!!! A bit more on that from the Inquisitr:

On August 28, 1963, Garner was photographed by the New York Daily News walking hand-in-hand with black actress Diahann Carroll during the March on Washington — a peaceful demonstration that was a watershed moment in the Civil Rights Movement. At the time, the very act of a white man holding hands with a black woman would have been outrageous. But that did not matter to James Garner; throughout his career, he stuck to his strongly democratic principles, even incorporating his beliefs into his acting career.

However, he apparently knew his personal boundaries when it came to politics:

He was again approached about running for office, this time for Governor of California in 1990, and again turned the opportunity down.

“There’s one difference between me and [Schwarzenegger and Reagan]: I know I’m not qualified.”

Ha! And SWOOON!! And I would be remiss if I didn't post the awesome theme from his most awesome TV series, The Rockford Files... because... JAMES GARNER! SWOOOOON!!

Monday, July 14, 2014

Weird Al's Brand-New Video Is the First of Eight

Posted by Ned Lannamann on Mon, Jul 14, 2014 at 12:29 PM


It is a good day—for it is the First of Eight Days of New Weird Al Yankovic Videos. Weird Al's new album, Mandatory Fun, comes out tomorrow, and he's promoting it by premiering a new video every day for eight days. Yes!

First up is "Tacky"—a spoof of Pharrell's "Happy," obviously. The video stars Yankovic with Aisha Tyler, Margaret Cho, Eric Stonestreet, Kristen Schaal, and Jack Black, but the real stars are Al's spot-on lyrics, which might very apply to you. The video comes from Nerdist, and their dumb embeddable link is an autoplay, so click the jump for the video.

Ah. Today just got immeasurably better.

Continue reading »

Thursday, May 8, 2014

"Discrimination" In, Businesses Out of "Religious Freedom" Initiative

Posted by Dirk VanderHart on Thu, May 8, 2014 at 6:15 PM

It's sort of a tough day for backers of an initiative that would let businesses refuse to "participate" in same-sex weddings.

The Oregon Supreme Court, after nearly two months, ruled ballot language written by the Oregon Department of Justice passes muster. The campaign Friends of Religious Freedom—an offshoot of the Oregon Family Council—had hoped the court would remove the word "discrimination" from the caption and explanation of the measure, arguing it has a negative connotation. The court also turned down changes requested by same-sex marriage advocates.

The initiative in question would let anyone—individuals, corporations and pretty much everything in between—refuse to participate in a same-sex wedding, civil union or commitment ceremony for religious reasons. There's some debate about what effect the measure's language might actually have, and the ballot title the court approved today lays out a list of six words and phrases that aren't defined.

At very least, the initiative would likely give cover to people like bakers who don't want to provide cakes for same-sex weddings, florists who don't want to make bouquets, and photographers who don't want to snap pictures.

"I wouldn't say it's a loss for us," Shawn Lindsay, an attorney for the Friends of Religious Freedom, said of the Supreme Court's decision. The ruling frees up the campaign to begin gathering signatures—it needs more than 87,000 by July 3—but it first has to have petition sheets approved by the Oregon Secretary of State's Office. That's a "piece of cake," Lindsay said, but he stopped short of saying the campaign would submit the sheets tomorrow.

"We're gonna meet and analyze and discuss what's next."

Also this afternoon, Oregon United Against Discrimination, the campaign fighting the initiative, announced a large coalition of businesses that have joined its cause. Over 160 companies— including Nike, Google, Stimson Lumber (a big-time backer of Republican campaigns), Powell's, Columbia Sportswear and Moda Health— all oppose the measure, according to a press release.

The endorsements will be formally unveiled at a press event tomorrow morning. And they bode well for Oregon United Against Discrimination, which may need to find considerable cash to fight the initiative. Nike, in particular, has shown a willingness to throw money into same-sex marriage efforts.

Ryan Deckert, president of the Oregon Business Association, says the group's 40-business board took a vote to oppose the religious freedom initiative back in March.

"I was taken by how quick and swift the response was," Deckert said. "It didn't take them very long to say: Really bad idea."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Weirdo Art Kids Need College Scholarships, Too

Posted by Alison Hallett on Wed, Apr 9, 2014 at 10:14 AM

This is great: For the eighth year in a row, Seattle's venerable Sub Pop Records is offering three scholarships—of three, five, and seven thousand dollars—to high school seniors in Oregon and Washington who are "involved and interested in music or the creative arts in some way."

Dubbed "The Loser Scholarship" (so grunge-era of you, Sub Pop), applicants are encouraged to submit original artwork alongside responses to essay questions like "What are you doing in the arts/music field in your community?" and "How would this scholarship money help you to progress in your chosen field?"

The scholarship deadline is May 8. Full details on how to apply live here. Share it with the weirdo art kid in YOUR life! Only maybe don't phrase it like that.

On a related note, Sub Pop recently announced they'll open a retail store in Sea-Tac on May 1. An airport joke should go here but I got nothin.


Thursday, April 3, 2014

Two U of O Students Win a Peabody for their Anti-Rape PSA

Posted by Alison Hallett on Thu, Apr 3, 2014 at 12:44 PM

Kids today: Not all terrible! Two U of O students made this short, effective anti-rape PSA in response to the Steubenville rape case:

They won a 2013 Peabody for the video; the award recognizes excellence in electronic storytelling. (See more winners here; plenty of things you probably like are on the list.) The Daily Emerald has a nice little interview with the girl who conceived and shot the video—during finals week, no less.


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

I Get The Worst Fan Mail

Posted by Alex Falcone on Wed, Feb 19, 2014 at 10:14 AM

I get a ton of fan mail from people who love my incredibly popular talk show Late Night Action w/ Alex Falcone, which returns this Saturday at 9pm with city Commissioner Steve Novick, Grimm actor Silas Weir Mitchell, comedian Amy Miller, and intergalactic marching band LoveBomb Go-Go.

Some of it is… creepy, but such is the life of a celebrity. Here is a small sampling of the mail that showed up around Valentine's Day.

Yo, A­boz. You macking crazy on my heart, got my jungle blood going something fierce in my heart cave. You like mustangs? I have a mustang. 82. Purrs like a kitten... that’s gettin’ fucked! HAHA, you know! I put a naked lady picture on that car, and cops hassle me for it. I wish they’d hassle you to come be my only one, because you special. I’d flush my anaconda down the trailer toilet if that meant you’d come over and watch Joe Dirt with me. I’d let you use the good chair. You got a smart face, like a possum that’s not afraid of books.
Attached is a condom filled with fruit loops. Get it?
Sincerely, Joe Biden.

Some people want all of me, some just want a piece.

Dear Mr. Falcone,
How’re you doing, girl? Gosh, you’re so pretty, and funny, and special, and cute, and smart, and sassy, and sexy, and cool, and defaulted on your monthly student loan payment of $214. Please write back!
Sally Mae

Even big celebrities write to me. It's probably wrong to include their real names, but I'm just so uncomfortable, I have to let the world know.

I know you don’t think of me. I don’t care. I love you. You haven’t written to me in what feels like decades, but every year I break into your house and leave things behind. Just for you. I’m watching you whenever I can, and if it wasn’t for my wife I’d leave this shithole job and move closer to you, just to feel you. But I gotta live the suit. No one really knows me. No one knows what I’ve done. 14 people in shallow graves, because I can. Because without you, it’s the only way to feel something.

Every night when I sit with that smith & wesson by my side, I think, this could end it all, but then I think of you. You can bring a new life for me. And I can never accept it. Time to read some fucking lists. Sincerely,
Santa Claus

It's tough to read these every day, but it's the job. The only thing that will make it more bearable is if you come see Late Night Action w/ Alex Falcone THIS SATURDAY!

h/t: Phil Shallberger

Friday, February 14, 2014

The Only Valentine Song You Will Ever Need

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Feb 14, 2014 at 5:44 PM

Yes, perhaps some of you consider this another song in the "stalker oeuvre"—but I would argue that the line, "He can't stop me/from having daydreams/tonguing you down with UNGH! vanilla ice cream" is perhaps the most romantic thing ever uttered. Happy Valentine's Day to you, LL Cool J. Happy Valentine's Day... to everyone.

Happy Valentine's Day to ME, Imbeciles!

Posted by Frank Cassano on Fri, Feb 14, 2014 at 4:54 PM

Afternoon, imbeciles! Wipe the crusted drool off your chins, sit up straight, and try paying attention to something that isn't YouPorn for once... because I have a VERY SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY ANNOUNCEMENT!

As you doubtless know, the only person worth half a damn in this insufferable shitpile of a town—KGW's charming, beautiful, witty, unspeakably magnetic Steph Stricklen—is currently covering the Olympics in a crumbling corner of the god-forsaken U.S.S.R. (Hey pinkos! How'd that Cold War work out for you? Ha! Fuck you, pinkos!) Now—if your wheezing weakling of a brain has managed to keep up so far—note the following exchange, which transpired yesterday evening, no doubt as you were clapping and guffawing at some insipid bullshit like figure skating.


Was it presumptuous for the douche-rag known as the Portland Mercury to speak on my behalf? Oh, I don't know—are you currently wasting your life by fucking around on the fucking internet? However, but a few short hours later came another delightful missive from Ms. Stricklen—its words sweet and warm, like the softest of springtime breezes, its caressing whispers heralding sunshine and butterflies.


Were Ms. Stricklen not currently imprisoned in Putin's pathetic playground of overwrought spectacle, I would send her a dozen long-stemmed roses, their searing red petals as vibrant as my adoration! Were Ms. Stricklen instead in Portland on this fine evening, she would be fed the most delectable of candlelit meals, poured the most succulent of well-aged wines, and be tirelessly doted upon—her every whim, her every want—by yours truly, Frank Cassano, who would be honored to be in her presence... who would be... dare I say it... smitten as a schoolboy.


Well, shit-lip, at least now you've got a reason to watch your little Olympics: to see the indescribably exquisite Steph Stricklen proclaim the unbreakable bond that she and I will forever share... and to see her proclaim it to the world. As soon as you have seen her do so, feel free to return to the regularly scheduled parade of imbecilic failures you call a life! Ha!

The Best Valentine's Day Card Ever

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Feb 14, 2014 at 9:44 AM

Points for honesty—of course you could get that card from someone who is sick of you or give it to someone you are sick of. There's just no way to deceit-proof a relationship.

And here's my stock Valentine's Day advice: fuck first. It's easier to get late dinner reservations, think 9 or 10 PM, the restaurant will be less packed, the waiters and cooks less harried. And since no one feels like fucking after a "romantic" meal (rich food, wine, dessert), it's a much better idea to go get something to eat after you fuck. Remember, kids: a romantic meal doesn't put you in the mood for a good fuck but a good fuck builds up an appetite for a romantic meal.

And if getting fucked on Valentine's Day is important to you—and it seems to be important to a lot of folks out there (judging from the amount of mail I get on February 15 from people complaining about not getting fucked on February 14)—you must fuck first. I've written back to folks who emailed me on Feb 15 to ask if their relationships were doomed because they didn't fuck on Feb 14 and asked them to describe—in minute detail—how the night went down. Invariably they went out to eat first, drank and ate, and then promptly slipped into food comas once they got home. Don't make that mistake. Fuck first.

And if you're single on Valentine's Day... stay home and watch a movie.


Thursday, February 13, 2014

Let the Doug Fir Save Your Valentine's Day!

Posted by Ned Lannamann on Thu, Feb 13, 2014 at 12:14 PM

[UPDATE: That was fast. This contest is closed and the winners have been notified.]

The Doug Fir has a special Valentine just for you. Tomorrow night, they're hosting a covers night for the big V-Day. Bands like Melville, Rebecca Marie Miller (of the Mynabirds), Spirit Lake, and Rio Grands will all be playing the best love-song covers, and to cap it off, the Moody Dudes will make a rare appearance. The Moody Dudes are a group of local all-stars who only play on Valentine's Day (and whose ranks include Blitzen Trapper's Eric Earley and the Parson Red Heads' Evan Way). It's safe to say they know their way around a love ballad.

We're giving away two pairs of tickets to the show—PLUS each winner will receive a $10 gift certificate to the Doug Fir restaurant. As the Doug Fir's Anna Jensen puts it, it's good for "a fancy schmancy love-filled DF grubfest. (Probably 1 am cheese fries, but whatever.)"

It's the most romantic contest we've ever held! And it's just in time for those who forgot all about Valentine's Day this year (we're not judging). We'll do this one a little different—the FIRST TWO people to send an email to contest at portlandmercury dot com with the words "Save My V-Day!" in the subject line will each win a prize pack, with two concert tix and the gift certificate. Please include your first and last name in the email. This will go fast, so do it now!

You're still a winner if you buy tickets here.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Valentine's Day: Wild at Heart Screening

Posted by Courtney Ferguson on Wed, Feb 12, 2014 at 4:29 PM

The lady-lovin' cinephiles over at the Hollywood Theatre's Broad Spectrum series are really on fire. They've screened films like Ghost World, Secretary, and Barbarella, all with tons of little bonuses at each event... pajama parties, BDSM lessons, and prize raffles. Broad Spectrum is neat. I like them. But this Valentine's Day... I LOVE them.

They're showing David Lynch's weird-ass 1990 film Wild at Heart, which is kinda the perfect movie to watch on this holiday—your love life, or lack thereof, will look peaceful and not insane in comparison to the hurricane of crazy love that is Lula and Sailor. If the thrashing sex-frenzy of Laura Dern and Nicolas Cage is not enough to wet your whistle, check out this supporting cast: Willem Dafoe, Harry Dean Stanton, Diane Ladd, Isabella Rossellini, Crispin Glover, Sherilyn Fenn, Jack Nance, and Sheryl Lee. Now, that is hot stuff. If you've never seen this film, buckle up, lovas! You're in for a stark-raving trip to Oz.

David Lynch's Wild at Heart on 35mm
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy
Friday, Feb. 14 at 7:30 pm, $8, tix
Or $25 for two tickets, bottle o' champs, heart locket w/surprise pictures inside
$50 gift certificate to Oh Baby for best costume
(Get gussied up: Time to check those chompers and slap on some makeup!)

Special David Lynch Bonus: The Pie Spot (521 NE 24th) has been showing episodes of Twin Peaks every week on Tuesday and Thursday at 5:30 pm. ACES!

New Tacocat Video! Surfing! Dancing Crabs! Menses!

Posted by Courtney Ferguson on Wed, Feb 12, 2014 at 1:59 PM

I should've put a period in that headline... because Tacocat's new video for "Crimson Wave" is about dear ol' Aunt Flo and her monthly stompings on all the ladies' proverbial welcome mats (eew, sorry). And it's super fun! Tacocat are a delightful Seattle fourpiece who rip into catchy, surfy pop in this adorable beachy video directed by Marcy Stone-Francois. So break out the hot water bottle, white wine, and Vicodin for this sunny spin on what could otherwise be the premise for an entire Stephen King novel ("Plug it up!").

Tacocat is touring their new album NVM (out February 25). They're playing the East End on March 6; so put on your gladrags and bop on down.

"It's Not Me, It's You: Stories from the Dark Side of Dating""

Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Wed, Feb 12, 2014 at 11:59 AM

Taking a loose (and decidedly non-sappy) Valentine's Day theme, tonight is "It's Not Me, It's You: Stories from the Dark Side of Dating," a storytelling event that features dating-related horrors from the archives of eight local personalities, including two of your very own Mercury clowns: myself and the esteemed Wm Steven Humphrey. (We've heard each other's stories and they are both supes shocking, so...) Also on the hotshit lineup are Project Runway winner Michelle Lesniak (whose showmanship extends well beyond spot-on impressions of Nina Garcia, trust me...); author S. Renee Mitchell; performer/storyteller Rick Huddle; Live Wire writer Jason Rouse; and political activist Hannah Love—all hosted by Stephanie Purtle.

Sure, there are lots of storytelling events happening in town these days, but this one is also a benefit for Planned Parenthood, whose role in the sexual lives of Americans everywhere—not mention their general health—can hardly be understated. So come hear us air our cringingly embarrassing, shocking, evil, and/or sometimes really gross laundry, and help support one of the most vital and progressive organizations out there by joining us this evening at the Mission for a 7 pm show—tickets are right on over here.


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Tonight: Unmentionable

Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Tue, Feb 11, 2014 at 11:14 AM

After way too many cancellations and reschedules, it's time to get back the hell on track with the program. For instance, tonight's Unmentionable lingerie show at the Doug Fir is 100% on schedule. It's got a loose Valentine's Day theme, with tons of skivvies—from the everyday cotton pairs to lacy one-off boudoir ensembles—most of which are designed and manufactured here in Portland, plus the addition of small businesses like Lille Boutique, which in turn researches and sources their inventory from small businesses throughout the world. As one of the organizers, Cassie Ridgway (who's also a MOD contributor) told me, it's meant to show the audience the "full spectrum" of what's available locally. Plus if you need to pick up and V-day-related schwag, there will also be a slew of local vendors (perfume, jewelry, lipstick, candles, etc).

To get you in the mood, one of the lines showing tonight is Rachel Rector's, who recently moved to New York after stirring up excitement here with her saturated hued, color-blocked collection. She's making a go of it in earnest with a Kickstarter campaign to get the line off the ground, and it's one of the most pleasant (and maybe the only Amelie-inspired?) Kickstarter videos I've ever seen. We've got more on her line and the project here, and a full schedule of news, announcements, and eye candy going all dang day. The show starts at 8 tonight (doors at 7), so slosh on over to buy tickets here.


Friday, February 7, 2014

Send Your Sweetie a FREE Mercury Valentine!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Feb 7, 2014 at 1:44 PM

Space is filling up fast! Send in your FREE valentine for your love-bug, and we'll print it in the paper! DEADLINE HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO SUN, FEB 9! LAST WARNING!


Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Hey Lover! Send Us Your Valentines!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Feb 4, 2014 at 1:29 PM

And we'll publish them in our paper... FOR FREE.


We've extended the deadline to this Sunday, Feb 9—but why wait? SUBMIT YOUR FREE VALENTINE NOW... while you're thinking about it.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Captain & Tennille Are Getting a Divorce; World Loses Faith in "Muskrat Love"

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Jan 23, 2014 at 10:59 AM

You can't count on much in this world—but I always assumed you could count on the endless love between former '70s pop giants Captain & Tennille. And yet? THEY'RE GETTING DIVORCED. From People:

Toni Tennille, whose real name is Cathryn Antoinette Tennille, 73, filed for divorce on Jan. 16, the Prescott, Arizona City courthouse confirms to PEOPLE.

Daryl Dragon, 71, also known as the Captain, was a keyboard player for the Beach Boys before meeting his wife.

BOOOOOOO DIVORCE! Who's next? Muskat Suzy and Muskrat Sam? THIS WORLD BLOWS.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Karaoke and Q&A with Buffy's Xander

Posted by Courtney Ferguson on Wed, Jan 22, 2014 at 1:59 PM


Time to break into the Snoopy dance—Xander’s coming to town to sing with you! Well, actually Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Nicholas Brendon is lurking around Puddletown for the Portland Comic Con this weekend (here are his appearances), but the folks at Things from Another World and FanGeek are doing a meet and greet, complete with full-blown karaoke stylings. Sure, it’s going to cost you some bread, but when will you have another chance to duet with the heart and soul of your favorite TV show?

So a few pro tips are in order for this outing:
(1) Do not squee directly into Nicholas Brendon’s face. It’s a rude person indeed who does not keep their squees to themselves (as loud and frantic inner monologues).
(2) Maybe don’t request that he sing a song from the Buffy musical episode “Once More, with Feeling.” That’s been done, my child. I’d go with Woody Guthrie’s “My Yellow Crayon.”
(3) If you’re going to timidly ask him to duet with you, definitely pick a song that he knows.
(4) Keep cool, comrade. This cool:

I got a chance to ask Brendon a few questions via email. I tried to keep cool, but... shrug, pro tips are hard to follow. Hit the jump for the Q&A, and here are the deets about singing off-key with Buffy’s bestie.

Karaoke meet ’n’ greet with Nicholas Brendon, location revealed once you buy a ticket (but I suspect it’s at the new location of a popular karaoke joint in town), Sat Jan 25, 7 pm, $75, tix

Continue reading »

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Firefly Surprise: A Secret, Yet Public, Bridal Show

Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Tue, Jan 7, 2014 at 11:44 AM

Well this... is a first. On Saturday there will be one of the first of probably more than a few bridal-centric runway shows over the next few months, but this one doubles as a surprise birthday party for the designers whose gowns are to be showcased. Meaning she doesn't know about it. Because her husband has ordered her to undergo a "media blackout" wherein he has taken over her Facebook profile and compiled a list of places on the internet where she isn't allowed to go (including here). If it sounds complicated, it kind of is (dude, a super nice dinner followed by drinks with friends would be so much easier), albeit in a cute and giddy way (fun fact: the breakdown's already been in effect for a week, and he reports she's already had one "breakdown!"). Plus, the show itself is free to the public (and if you are getting married this year, "free" will probably not come up often), and it's a good way to see some of the more complicated dress designs being produced in the city. Hop over to MOD for all the details.

  • Elizabeth Messina


Friday, December 6, 2013

The John Waters Interview

Posted by Courtney Ferguson on Fri, Dec 6, 2013 at 1:14 PM


Hey guys, I talked with John Waters. I can die now. It's fine. There's nothing left for me. We talked about how awesome Portland is, Baltimore roller derby girls, and his new book, where he hitchhiked across the country. He's doing a one-man Christmas show tonight at the Aladdin. It is most hellaciously sold out, but you might try hanging around the door if you're feeling lucky. I wrote a piece about it—read it here. And here's some other stuff he said:

—"[I own] probably about 8,500 books. I live in three places, so they’re full everywhere. I’ve always said that’s what 'rich' is, nothing else except you can buy any book you want without looking at the price. And the other thing I call 'rich' is that you never have to be around assholes, you’ve worked so hard you never have to be around jerks. I’m very thankful that I can do both those two things. I’m not around jerks and I can almost buy any book I want. That’s really why I, still, work 10-hour days."

More after the jump.

Continue reading »

Thursday, October 17, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: The Invisible Girlfriend

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Oct 17, 2013 at 3:29 PM

Four years ago I began a relationship with a woman that turned romantic. A year later, I left my husband and moved in with her. She's beautiful on the inside and out and I love her dearly but our relationship has had its ups and downs. My biggest issue is that she won't introduce me to her family. She comes from a fairly conservative family and, according to her, they're quite homophobic. She came out when she was 18 and she was estranged from her family for a few years as a result. She has since reconciled with them but their relationship is fragile and she treads carefully around them to keep the peace. I can understand that... except... her brother is gay and out to the family and his longterm partner is embraced as a member of the family. My partner's father recently died and she took off for a few weeks to help care for him in his last days. When he died, she didn't ask me to come to the funeral or to join her for any of the other observances. I hate to seem selfish during her time of grieving but her refusal to share me—share our partnership, our life together—with her family really hurts. On top of it all, her father's obituary—which she wrote—listed her husband (she's still married, in order to get his health insurance) as her spouse. Am I crazy for sticking around?

The Silent Partner

P.S. Thanks in advance for your help, Dan. I've only confided in a few friends and they all say I should dump her. But I would appreciate the perspective of someone who is less straight.

My response after the jump...

Friday, October 11, 2013

TV Writers Engage in Adorable Twitter Battle

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Oct 11, 2013 at 11:29 AM

If you're the type of person who starts shit on Twitter and/or engages in Twitter battles, I kinda think you're one of the fucking lowest of the low. Twitter isn't YouTube comments and just because you CAN say something, it doesn't mean you SHOULD. Can we keep just one tiny section of the internet dick free? You know who you are.

That being said, if you are going to fight on Twitter, at least do it in a super adorable way... like the writing staffs for CBS' updated Sherlock Holmes drama Elementary and Fox's new supernatural show, Sleepy Hollow. I wasn't super interested in watching either show until I read this string of hilariously adorable tweets of oneupmanship. Here's just a tiny section. HUGS!




Read the entire very funny exchange here, and watch Elementary on CBS (Thursdays, 10 pm) and Sleepy Hollow on Fox (Mondays, 9 pm).

Friday, September 27, 2013

WNBA Players Kiss, Are Called for Fouls

Posted by Paul Constant on Fri, Sep 27, 2013 at 1:29 PM

I'm sports-illiterate, so forgive me if I mess this up: WNBA players Diana Taurasi and Seimone Augustus have known each other for a long time. They have an affectionate rivalry, since they play on opposing teams. In the below clip, you can see Augustus and Taurasi preparing to, uh, I don't know, block each other? Is that what basketball players do? When they get close, after a few pushes, Taurasi gives Augustus a kiss on the cheek. As men often do when women kiss in public places, the referee immediately injects himself into the equation. He calls them for fouls—double technicals, they're apparently called.

USA Today's Mike Foss notes that sports players touch each other all the time—on the ass, on the shoulders, on the hands, on the heads—and so the foul seems unnecessary to him, and to me. But what do I know? Sports!

Monday, September 16, 2013

Show More Enthusiasm for Your Food!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Sep 16, 2013 at 2:15 PM

Like this Japanese reporter.

Friday, August 16, 2013

A Love Letter to the New City Target

Posted by Alex Falcone on Fri, Aug 16, 2013 at 10:14 AM

Hi, Target! I love you!
  • Hi, Target! I love you!
Dearest City Target,

Your faithful servant Alex here. I just wanted to write you to thank you for finally allowing me to realize the full joy of basic commerce in the downtown core. Before you came into my life, I had to bus all the way out to Jantzen Beach. There are fewer darker times man can face.

Target, I can never thank you enough for ending my years of misery buying household items at Rite Aid, where I was pretty sure I was getting a couple of the hepatitises every time I walked in. You are clean and beautiful in a way I didn't think was possible. I know you're shiny and new, but I have faith you'll stay shiny long after your newness wears off.

City (o), you are incredibly kind. I can tell. Every time I walk in (often!) I'm greeted by dozens of red-shirted helpers with huge grins. Sure, they have no idea where to find anything at this point, but I'm sure that'll get better when you've been open longer.

I love that you have a cartscalator! I feel like I'm living in the future! And I love your shiny, well constructed little carts. I'm sure the homeless population that will be living in them soon also thanks you.

Understand me, Target. I'm not blind to your faults. I realize you're a complicated, imperfect entity, just like I am. Your inventory is amusingly limited. Once your army of employees learn the store, I'm sure they'll skip from "let me check" right to "We don't carry that. Where do you think you are, Jantzen Beach?" In fact, I'll probably memorize your store as fast as your employees because you carry almost no merchandise.

But I love you for that too. It must be difficult to make a profit paying downtown rent and only carrying 15 or 20 things. But you're trying. You're trying for me, City Target! I'm honored to have your affection.

With love and kindest regards,


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