So I've been thinking about online dating lately (for my specific thoughts on the matter, go here), and one of my friends tipped me off to an interesting article about what you should and shouldn't write in a first message to a potential ugly-bumper, according to statistics from the OKCupid blog. Using slang like ur will not get you booty. Calling someone sexy is a big no-no. If you're a vegetarian zombie, however, you're in luck, my friend! (But what does that mean, exactly? You don't eat brains? Then what do you eat?) Of particular interest is the finding that starting your message with "hi," "hey," or "hello" is less likely to get you a response than something like "howdy" (which, I guess, makes sense; someone who says "howdy" is more likely to be a cowboy, and who doesn't want to date a cowboy?).

• Chart from the OkCupid blog

Also, if you're a dude, you should apologize for being so awkward. And if you're into God, well, you can pretty much forget it.

So why don't you put this helpful info to use and hop on over to the Mercury Lovelab? I feel fairly confident saying that there are vegetarian zombies galore on that thing.

Hey, laaaaaadies! I'm sure you remember when I first posted "Your Perfect Boyfriend"—a compendium of video dating clips starring totally righteous dudes from the '80s, and you got all wet in the "down there." Well prepare to get your nethers doused again, because here's even MORE totally righteous '80s video dating dudes (courtesy of the Found Film Festival which is coming to the Laurelhurst on December 4th and 5th)!

And it's not even Thanksgiving yet! Thank you "Dianetics and Scientology Holiday Catalog"! In addition to stress test machines in a variety of attractive colors and texts defining "the marriage relationship, not in the language of 'till death do us part' but 'beings' and 'postulates'" (perfect for the parents!) the catalog contains some choice L. Ron Hubbard quotes to put on my cheery New Year's cards. For example: "We are the hope of Man—the only hope."

Disney on Ice: Worlds of Fantasy opened last night at the Rose Garden. Of course, the Mercury was there.

Do I feel bad about using my professional journalist status to score rinkside seats to an extravaganza meant to entertain children between the ages of zero and ten? Eh. They invited me, okay? And I am never one to turn down the chance to meet "beloved characters certain to create a lifetime of memories."

BEARD OF BEES
October 31
11:00 a.m., 12:30 p.m., 2:00 p.m.

Enter to Win!

Are you brave enough to wear a colony of 5,000 honeybees… on your face?!

Test your courage and enter for your chance to wear a Beard of Bees.

This once-in-a-lifetime opportunity will happen on Saturday, Oct. 31 at 11:00 a.m., 12:30 p.m., and 2:00 p.m.

To volunteer to wear a beard of bees, please email your name, phone number, and email address to rsvp@omsi.edu. Three volunteers will be selected to participate. Winners will be selected Oct. 28 and must be available for the event on Oct. 31 between 10:30 a.m. and 3:00 p.m. Winners will be pre-screened, must be willing to sign a waiver, and must not have previous bee allergies. (Two alternates will be selected as back-up in the event one of the original volunteers is not eligible.)

There are more details, including an explanation of how bee beards work, on the OMSI website.

Via Right Brain Resources, who sum up my feelings about the bee beard nicely: "To answer their question 'are you brave enough to wear a colony of 5,000 honeybees on your face.' F-NO! I get freaked out just walking by lavender bush."

You desperately need a man. Luckily for you, there are still about ten of them left. And here they all are, courtesy of the Found Footage Festival (coming to Portland in December). DON'T THANK ME!

Okay, guys! NO MORE WEDDINGS. (That is, until you can top these guys.)