Thanksgiving: it’s one of the most painful, awkward, and oftentimes, physically painful holidays of the year. So why not make a little money off it?
The Mercury wants to print YOUR most horrible and TRUE Thanksgiving story in our upcoming T-day issue—and the best essay will win $200! These stories could include, but are not limited to…

• Family fistfights!
• Unsavory romantic interludes!
• Embarrassing announcements!
• Drunken debauchery!
• Gluttonous explosions!
• Near-death experiences!
• House fires and/or skin burns!
• Or… you know… whatever!

The most readable essays will be printed in the Mercury’s “Worst Thanksgiving EVER!” issue on Nov 26, with the best entry receiving $200! (Stick that in your gravy boat!)
Send your entries via email to me, with “Worst Thanksgiving Ever Essay Contest” in the subject line, and be sure to include your name and daytime phone number. ALL ENTRIES SHOULD BE 500 WORDS OR LESS, AND ARE DUE NO LATER THAN NOON, FRIDAY NOVEMBER 20!

So don’t delay! Send in your worst Thanksgiving memory today! YOU COULD GET PAID FOR ALL THAT PAIN.

Ladies: how do you handle "the curse"?

Something tells me she's not talking about the mummy's curse.

Guys have a "curse" too, you know. We have to shave every day. Shutting up now. QUESTIONLAND!!

It's time for another installment of the semi-regular social experiment that is the Blogtown Meetup! This time, the plan was cooked up by a handful of regular commenters, so it's a little more ambitious than our usual "get wasted at the bar next door" agenda.

DETAILS:

Thurs, Nov 5

7 pm: Meet at Shanghai Tunnel for drinks/awkward socializing.

8 pm: Proceed to Glowing Greens for a rousing game of black-lit minigolf. (Or meet at mini-golf, for kiddies and non-drinkers.) Games are $7.50 for the first round, $4.50 after that, or $2 for non players.

BYO nametag.

(Also, I just spent 20 minutes on YouTube looking for a "funny golf video," and can now state conclusively that no such thing exists.)

Sexual harassment: a story, some questions.

Ooh, I love it when our readers get to give personal advice on potentially very icky situations! Go on, be Dan Savage for the day, and put in your two cents in the psychiatric offices of… QUESTIONLAND!!

What do you do with a genuinely, dangerously psychotic stray cat?

Umm... nice kitty? HELP! QUESTIONLAND!!

DON'T FORGET! Tomorrow night's "Best Little HORROR House in Portland" at the Doug Fir will not only be a goddamn blast, admission is FREE with a costume! (And if you decide to enter our Costume Stripping Contest—see below for details— you could win $500 CASH! Woot now!!) Just check out all the fun we'll be having!

Schedule of Events:
3 pm- 6 pm: Pumpkin Carving in the Doug Fir Bar!
6 pm: Doors open!
7 pm: Pumpkin Smashing Contest, hosted by Gallagher and Billy Corgan!* With prizes for best smash!
7:30 — 9 pm: Horrific skits from local comedy troupes including Hand 2 Mouth, Action/Adventure, tEEth, and the Mercury Thespian Society (see Alison's post for details)!
9:00 — 10 pm: Costume (Stripping) Contest! Celebrity judges! We choose the music, YOU STRIP. Winner takes home $500 cash money!
10:00 pm: Music from The Bugs and Red Fang!
Midnight: Sacrifice a goat!**

This one's gonna get ba-zonkers, folks! SO DON'T MISS IT!

Where can I find tiger ears/tail for a Halloween costume?

Ooh, Sean! Are you gonna be a sexy tiger? Rrowrr! Rrrowr! I'd like to catch that tiger by the tail! I'd like to lend that tiger "a paw"! Ooooh. Does kitty scratch? Does he? Rrrrrrrrrrrrowrrrr!

QUESTIONLAND: Just keepin' it awkward, ya'll!

Any previous plans you may have had for Halloween night (Saturday)? DROP 'EM! Because you're gonna want to join the Mercury for our super fun/insane Halloween bash at the Doug Fir (830 E Burnside), appropriately entitled "The Best Little HORROR House in Portland!" Check out all the fun you'll undoubtedly have!

Schedule of Events:
3 pm- 6 pm: Pumpkin Carving in the Doug Fir Bar!
6 pm: Doors open!
7 pm: Pumpkin Smashing Contest, hosted by Gallagher and Billy Corgan!*
7:30 — 9 pm: Horrific skits from local comedy troupes including Hand 2 Mouth, Action/Adventure, and tEEth!
9:00 — 10 pm: Costume (Stripping) Contest! Celebrity judges! $500 in cash prizes!
10:00 pm: Music from The Bugs and Red Fang!
Midnight: Sacrifice a goat!**

And best of all, if you're wearing a costume, ADMISSION IS FREE!
It's gonna get real, it's gonna get raw, and it'll be bestest Halloween ever, we bet. SO JOIN US!

*Not actually Gallagher or Billy Corgan
** Not actually a goat

Where can I find a huge pair of shears and/or scissors?

What? Is he filming a Lars von Trier movie? (You'll understand that joke in about a week, if you don't get it already.)

Anyway... umm... QUESTIONLAND!!

What should I do with my cap 'n gown? I graduated in June.

Frankly, I don't remember much about my graduation. Nor where my cap and gown ended up. Maybe the police kept it?

But that's another question for another day in... QUESTIONLAND!

I'm an 18 yr gay guy and I have an older friend in his 30's that wants me to go to a halloween party with him as Sam Adams/Beau Breedlove, Should I?

Mmmmmm… I think you can do better. This would be better.

QUESTIONLAND: Where tricksters are always treated.

I need a new hair stylist. Recommendations?

Me, I style my own hair. Can't you tell?

Help out those who really need it in…QUESTIONLAND!!

How do you fight insomnia?

And NO, saying "Start reading the Mercury" is NOT a good answer!! (Sob. Why are you such a feelings-hurter?)

QUESTIONLAND: Forcing you to stay awake since 2009.

A handful of commenters took it upon themselves to organize the next Blogtown meetup, having apparently grown tired of waiting for us to pull something together. So I am merely the messenger; here's the plan, as conveyed to me by a shadowy cabal of Blogtown regulars:

DETAILS:

Thurs, Nov 5

7 pm: Meet at Shanghai Tunnel for drinks/awkward socializing.

8 pm: Proceed to Glowing Greens for a rousing game of black-lit minigolf. (Or meet at mini-golf, for kiddies and non-drinkers.) Games are $7.50 for the first round, $4.50 after that, or $2 for non players.

Because this is NOT a Mercury-organized event, I will not be providing nametags. Just putting that out there.

Moral quandry: someone parked illegally and blocked me in. Do I have to go look for them and ask them to move the car? Or do I just call and get them towed?

Whenever I'm faced with a moral quandary, I ask myself one thing: WWJJD?

Don't pee on my leg and tell me that it's raining… especially in QUESTIONLAND!!

Fruit Flies! GAHH! They are driving me crazy! How do I get rid of them?

Gahhh! QUESTIONLAND!!

Besides the pumpkin patch on sauvie's island, where can i get a freshly dipped carmel apple with peanuts on the outside?

OMIGOD, THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD! I could eat the shit out of one of those right now!

Help a future morbidly obese person (like me) out in the caramel coated confines of QUESTIONLAND!!

What restaurants should my parents take me to?

Maybe the Emancipation Cafe?

QUESTIONLAND!!

What's going on around Portland for Halloween?

Lots of fun stuff, including the Mercury and Doug Fir's super fun BEST LITTLE HORROR HOUSE IN PORTLAND! Local comedy troupes will have horror stations set up all around Doug Fir, plus a costume stripping contest, and a pumpkin smashing contest hosted by Gallagher and Billy Corgan*! Oh yeah, and musical entertainment by an awesome little group known as HOCKEY. See you there!

(*Not actually Gallagher or Billy Corgan. Ahem. QUESTIONLAND!!)

What's the best way to let someone know they tweet too much?

Send in the cat.

QUESTIONLAND!!