Do you need context for this? You don't.

Apparently, some hair styling schools don't appreciate it when filthy, dirt-foot hippies come marching into their classrooms to protest:

You’re the same dorks that didn’t get laid in high school or invited to parties and now, angry at the world, you feel victimized. Starving for vindication that you’ve done something meaningful with your lives and an insatiable hunger for attention, you —out spoken weaklings- found empowerment marching into a school of 99% women where you finally got to flex your muscles!

Hey! Ho! We don't want to go—to get our hair cut, or any other form of personal hygiene! (Okay, I'm going to work on that chant a little longer. In the meantime, drop off your own complaint or confession in the I, Anonymous Blog, and... cut your hair, hippie!!)

Hey, remember the classic I, Anonymous entitled "Curb Your Snake"? Well, the owner of the snake has finally responded! YAYYYYYY!!!

My "devilish reptile friend"? His name is johnny, and he is my little baby. You scared the crap out of him when you ran out of the bathroom with your hands up in the air screaming. And since you had your arms in the air, where was your baby? Cause I didn't see or smell it, and according to your repulsive description, we all should have. All I saw was a deranged young woman fleeing from the bathroom as if all hell were chasing her.

YESSSSSSSS. I love the I, Anonymous blog so much! It's like the court of public opinion for assholes!! DO YOUR PART, and drop off your opinion today!

New rule, guys! We can no longer refer to Portland as "PDX."

Enough with the PDX already! PDX is the airport, not the city! Somehow calling Portland PDX got started about 10 years ago and now everything is PD fucking X. Referring to Portland as PDX is the equivalent of calling San Francisco "Frisco"! It is not cool, or hip or cutting edge, it is stupid, lame and annoying.

Sooo... you're saying we can call it "PD fucking X"? I like that better anyway. HEY! There's a lot of new I, Anonymooses waiting for you over at the I, Anonymous Blog. Got a new rule that everyone must adhere to or else? Post it here, and it will automatically become law!

Apparently there's been some sort of fatwa declared on the ladies of the Portland Mercury, because we've received two submissions in a row that's talkin' shit about our girls. Example #1 seems to be directed at "an unassertive, rude turd of a girl" that's a terrible roommate and works for an "alternative paper" (we'll assume it's ours):

One of your former roommates has brought to my attention yet again how lame you are. You sent her a passive-aggressive email regarding her slaving away in the kitchen for four hours since you don’t clean up shit apparently. You’re disgusting. You also use too much toilet paper, and then lie about it and never offer to buy any.

Any guesses about who that may be? I HAVE SOME THEORIES. But on to example #2, which isn't so cagey about who they're talking about when it comes to annoying people who take annoying pictures with their iPhones:

3. Sepia toned iphone photos. THIS IS SELF EXPLANATORY.

4. Oh so hilarious signs. Like Bill Murray. Come on now. Post no bills is funny. That's just fucking stupid. Looking at you COURTNEY FERGUSON

I wonder who they're talking about? Anyway, if you have a rant or confession regarding the ladies at the Mercury (or anyone else for that matter), drop it off in the I, Anonymous Blog: Which uses entirely too much toilet paper.

Some people know how to write a great opening line for I, Anonymous... some don't. THIS PERSON DOES.

To the woman who decided to put her pet snake on the Barnes and Noble bathroom counter whilst washing her hands; what the hell is wrong with you?!

The rest is good too! Then there's this one:

Sorry about that, I had no idea my clown outfit would upset you so much.

Yessssss. All in all, a pretty good weekend for the I, Anonymous Blog. Check out the rest, and drop off your own confession or rant. (Sorry, snakes not welcome.)

OMG... an apology! An actual I, Anonymous apology! They're as rare as a unicorn with a Bart Simpson tattoo!! Check out this submission called: "I'm Sorry I Hit Your Car and Drove Away."

I was going about 90 miles an hour somewhere in residential SE and blew through a couple stop signs, slammed on my brakes, spun into your parked car — which probably stopped me from flipping over. Amazingly, I was able to drive away. Sorry about that.

Well, that's very nice, and I appreciate... wait. There's more?

Also, sorry for being too drunk to have sex with you for, oh, several years.

Okay, ummm... I guess I forgive you, and... THERE'S MORE??

I apologize for throwing up in your yard, or stuffing beer cans and wine bottles in your bushes.

AND THERE'S EVEN MORE??? Fuck you, and fuck your apology, dude! That was my favorite bush!! Sheesh. If you've got a lot to be sorry for, why not apologize for everything all at once, right here in the I Anonymous Blog: "Where all will be forgiven, my child."

I don't know exactly what's been going down for the last 24 hours—though I suspect it's the "Space Hurricane"—but you guys have been submitting a LOT of I, Anonymooses. But who's complaining, right? Oh, yeah... YOU ARE.

Let's improve the love lab so the intelligent and capable can reproduce in an orderly fashion please. Goddammit, no one wants to see pictures that aren't cute. Why don't you place only cute ones? In bikini, playing with your dog, getting a tattoo.

This guy sounds foreign to me. Not that that's a bad thing. Anyway, as you can see, you can learn a lot from the I, Anonymous Blog (such as not to go into certain sandwich shops if you're Jewish). Do you have a suggestion for the world at large? Submit it here! (Quick, before the space hurricane's over!)

This week's coveted Mercury Comment of the Week goes to everybody's favorite Cylon, for a comment on Denis' post about yesterday's police shooting:

You know, given the context it seems a bit tacky, but precedent dictates:

And I'm gonna take this opportunity to remind everyone that our Terms of Use are right over here.

Now, I have no idea if the following story is true... but I loved reading every word of it. Here's how it starts:

I drank so much at Joes Cellar one night in 2007 that I drove my car up the MAX ramp on the Steel Bridge, blocking all eastbound trains.

Find out what happened when he tried to back his car off the MAX ramp, and what the police allegedly did when they got there. (Hint: There's a reason it's called "I Like Portland Police.") Do you have a public servant you'd like to thank for ignoring the fact you're a blackout drunk? (Or maybe a confession or a rant?) Submit it here in the mostly factual I, Anonymous Blog: It's the semi-truthiest!

While there's a new troll-baiting post about Portlandia over at the I, Anonymous Blog (which I didn't write—I swear!), there's also this one which you have to admit has a great opening line.

To the two ignorant freaks that were in the hot tub with me tonight debating on whether or not there were more skinheads, or greasers, I hate you.

How come you guys don't submit more I, Anonymooses that take place in hot tubs? You should really work on that. Got a rant or confession (hot tub related or not) you'd like to share with an angry public? Visit the I, Anonymous Blog: Don't worry... it's heavily chlorinated!

Here's one from the Department of General Complaints: Creative Types who STINK!!

Why is it that, in order to be an 'artist' in this town, you have to live like a pig? Seriously. In what way does a lack of personal hygiene and property maintenance relate to 'creating art'? I really don't get it. I don't know how many houses I've been to where a bunch of unwashed 'artists' live and there's dirt for a lawn, numerous disassembled bikes strewn about, beer bottles that have been on the porch for what appears to be months and a general aura of filth. Not only this, but these people have to shove their 'art' in your face every chance they get. Being loud and arrogant is not a substitute for creativity.

Preach on, brother and/or sister! You should see the Mercury office kitchenette! The maggots won't even eat in there! BAH!! Why even bother? Oh, because it's fun and I feel a little better after screaming into the void known as the I, Anonymous blog. Submit your rant or confession here, and breathe in that sweet smell of impotent retribution.

Obligatory reminder about how people should read the I, Anonymous blog, employing a quote from one of the posts.

Rant about drivers in the Portland metropolitan area and their snow driving skills. Hint that they may all be from a state south. Rant against drivers from states that get real snow and brag about their skills.

Rant against slow trimet buses and trimet's silence about bus lines that go over the hill. Marvel at the alleged intelligence of cyclists.

Provide a link where the reader can continue reading the post. Make smart ass remark about person's intelligence. Provide link where reader can submit their own Anonymous rant. The I, Anonymous Blog: Pithy tag line goes here.

Add outdated illo I never liked very much in the first place. Disable comments.

Someone has brought this formidable bag full of salt-water taffy into the office, and deposited it in the breakroom, from whence it sings a siren song of taffy-temptation. It sings this song for me. I can pretend like I'm going to hold out, but that is what's known in the scientific community as "horseshit." I will succumb, and I will at some point begin pounding these sticky treats down my face with reckless abandon, horking back delicious bits of candy and my own fillings into my waiting gullet.

So here's the question: On the "You're a giant dick" scale of office behaviors, where does "Eating nothing but the chocolate ones and leaving a bag full of lemon and mint flavors" rank?

For reference, "Leaving less than a teaspoon of a co-worker's clearly labeled coffee creamer in the fridge for them" is a solid 8, whereas "Microwaving your kimchi in an open container" is a 6.