
Thanksgiving: it’s one of the most painful, awkward, and oftentimes, physically painful holidays of the year. So why not make a little money off it?
The Mercury wants to print YOUR most horrible and TRUE Thanksgiving story in our upcoming T-day issue—and the best essay will win $200! These stories could include, but are not limited to…
• Family fistfights!
• Unsavory romantic interludes!
• Embarrassing announcements!
• Drunken debauchery!
• Gluttonous explosions!
• Near-death experiences!
• House fires and/or skin burns!
• Or… you know… whatever!
The most readable essays will be printed in the Mercury’s “Worst Thanksgiving EVER!” issue on Nov 26, with the best entry receiving $200! (Stick that in your gravy boat!)
Send your entries via email to me, with “Worst Thanksgiving Ever Essay Contest” in the subject line, and be sure to include your name and daytime phone number. ALL ENTRIES SHOULD BE 500 WORDS OR LESS, AND ARE DUE NO LATER THAN NOON, FRIDAY NOVEMBER 20!
So don’t delay! Send in your worst Thanksgiving memory today! YOU COULD GET PAID FOR ALL THAT PAIN.

Ladies: how do you handle "the curse"?
Something tells me she's not talking about the mummy's curse.

Guys have a "curse" too, you know. We have to shave every day. Shutting up now. QUESTIONLAND!!

It's time for another installment of the semi-regular social experiment that is the Blogtown Meetup! This time, the plan was cooked up by a handful of regular commenters, so it's a little more ambitious than our usual "get wasted at the bar next door" agenda.
DETAILS:
Thurs, Nov 5
7 pm: Meet at Shanghai Tunnel for drinks/awkward socializing.
8 pm: Proceed to Glowing Greens for a rousing game of black-lit minigolf. (Or meet at mini-golf, for kiddies and non-drinkers.) Games are $7.50 for the first round, $4.50 after that, or $2 for non players.
BYO nametag.
(Also, I just spent 20 minutes on YouTube looking for a "funny golf video," and can now state conclusively that no such thing exists.)
Sexual harassment: a story, some questions.
Ooh, I love it when our readers get to give personal advice on potentially very icky situations! Go on, be Dan Savage for the day, and put in your two cents in the psychiatric offices of… QUESTIONLAND!!

What do you do with a genuinely, dangerously psychotic stray cat?

Umm... nice kitty? HELP! QUESTIONLAND!!
DON'T FORGET! Tomorrow night's "Best Little HORROR House in Portland" at the Doug Fir will not only be a goddamn blast, admission is FREE with a costume! (And if you decide to enter our Costume Stripping Contest—see below for details— you could win $500 CASH! Woot now!!) Just check out all the fun we'll be having!
Schedule of Events:
3 pm- 6 pm: Pumpkin Carving in the Doug Fir Bar!
6 pm: Doors open!
7 pm: Pumpkin Smashing Contest, hosted by Gallagher and Billy Corgan!* With prizes for best smash!
7:30 — 9 pm: Horrific skits from local comedy troupes including Hand 2 Mouth, Action/Adventure, tEEth, and the Mercury Thespian Society (see Alison's post for details)!
9:00 — 10 pm: Costume (Stripping) Contest! Celebrity judges! We choose the music, YOU STRIP. Winner takes home $500 cash money!
10:00 pm: Music from The Bugs and Red Fang!
Midnight: Sacrifice a goat!**
This one's gonna get ba-zonkers, folks! SO DON'T MISS IT!

Where can I find tiger ears/tail for a Halloween costume?
Ooh, Sean! Are you gonna be a sexy tiger? Rrowrr! Rrrowr! I'd like to catch that tiger by the tail! I'd like to lend that tiger "a paw"! Ooooh. Does kitty scratch? Does he? Rrrrrrrrrrrrowrrrr!

QUESTIONLAND: Just keepin' it awkward, ya'll!
Any previous plans you may have had for Halloween night (Saturday)? DROP 'EM! Because you're gonna want to join the Mercury for our super fun/insane Halloween bash at the Doug Fir (830 E Burnside), appropriately entitled "The Best Little HORROR House in Portland!" Check out all the fun you'll undoubtedly have!
Schedule of Events:
3 pm- 6 pm: Pumpkin Carving in the Doug Fir Bar!
6 pm: Doors open!
7 pm: Pumpkin Smashing Contest, hosted by Gallagher and Billy Corgan!*
7:30 — 9 pm: Horrific skits from local comedy troupes including Hand 2 Mouth, Action/Adventure, and tEEth!
9:00 — 10 pm: Costume (Stripping) Contest! Celebrity judges! $500 in cash prizes!
10:00 pm: Music from The Bugs and Red Fang!
Midnight: Sacrifice a goat!**
And best of all, if you're wearing a costume, ADMISSION IS FREE!
It's gonna get real, it's gonna get raw, and it'll be bestest Halloween ever, we bet. SO JOIN US!

*Not actually Gallagher or Billy Corgan
** Not actually a goat
Where can I find a huge pair of shears and/or scissors?

What? Is he filming a Lars von Trier movie? (You'll understand that joke in about a week, if you don't get it already.)
Anyway... umm... QUESTIONLAND!!
What should I do with my cap 'n gown? I graduated in June.

Frankly, I don't remember much about my graduation. Nor where my cap and gown ended up. Maybe the police kept it?
But that's another question for another day in... QUESTIONLAND!
OH NOES! Did you realize that every showing of this weekend's HUMP! amateur porn fest is sold out except for the Friday 7 pm screening?
DUDE! YOU BETTER ACT FAST! CLICK HERE, NOW!
Or, if you prefer to play things fast and loose, you can attempt to win TWO FREE TICKETS to the screening of your choice! Email Marjorie here (no later than 5 pm today), put "HUMP TICKETS! HUMP TICKETS! HUMP TICKETS!" in the subject header, include your name, and signify which of the following shows you'd like to attend. (Don't worry, I set aside tickets for the sold out shows for Blogtown winners! Aren't I clever?)
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23
7:00 PM SCREENING: This is an 18+ show, and tickets are going fast!
9:30 PM SCREENING: 21+, SOLD OUT!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24
7:00 PM SCREENING: 21+, SOLD OUT!
9:30 PM SCREENING: 21+, SOLD OUT!
Otherwise, get your tickets fast! You don't want to be left out of the funnest amateur porn event you've ever seen? (How many have you seen anyway?)
UPDATE! Congratulations to CLAYTON for handily scoring two tix to Portland's first-ever weekend of HUMP! If you're name's not Clayton, then tune in tomorrow for the last giveaway! Or, if you're not the gambling kind, grab tickets here for the remaining Friday 18+ show (dudes, there's a bar directly next door to the theater. And another one directly across the street. I know you can make it.)
Mmmmmm… I think you can do better. This would be better.

QUESTIONLAND: Where tricksters are always treated.
Get it?? Because Wednesday is often referred to as "Hump day" and… oh, forget it.
WANT TO WIN TWO TICKETS TO THE HUMP! AMATEUR PORN FESTIVAL THIS WEEKEND AT CINEMA 21? Yes, you do. Email me here before 5 pm today (btw, "before" means "before"—not "after"), include "HUMP DAY!" in the subject header, your name, and which of the following screenings you'd like to attend!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23
7:00 PM SCREENING: This is an 18+ show, and tickets are going fast!
9:30 PM SCREENING: 21+, SOLD OUT! (Though I've held back tickets for lucky Blogtown winners.)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24
7:00 PM SCREENING: 21+, tickets going fast!
9:30 PM SCREENING: 21+, practically sold out—get your tix quick!
Also! You can reserve your tickets online right now. Plus, our good friend DAN SAVAGE will be hosting, and he knows a thing or two about Humping. And Wednesdays. I SAID, FORGET IT!!!
UPDATE! Congrats to KYLE for scoring two tickets to this weekend's HUMP! festivities. Tune in tomorrow at 3 pm-ish for another HUMP! giveaway!

I need a new hair stylist. Recommendations?
Me, I style my own hair. Can't you tell?

Help out those who really need it in…QUESTIONLAND!!
Are you freaking FURIOUS that you didn't win yesterday's HUMP! ticket giveaway? HERE'S ANOTHER CHANCE! Email me before 5 PM TODAY (not accepting any after that time) with "Hump Me Some Hump Tickets, Humpy!" in the subject line and the lucky winner chosen at random will receive two passes to any of the following four HUMP! screenings!
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23
7:00 PM SCREENING: This is an 18+ show, and tickets are going fast!
9:30 PM SCREENING: 21+, SOLD OUT! (Though I've held back tickets for lucky Blogtown winners.)
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24
7:00 PM SCREENING: 21+, tickets going fast!
9:30 PM SCREENING: 21+, very close to selling out—get your tix quick!
* BE SURE TO INCLUDE YOUR NAME, AND WHICH SCREENING YOU'D LIKE TO ATTEND! All screenings will be held at Cinema 21.
Look. If I were you I wouldn't depend on luck. Get your tickets for HUMP! (hosted by Dan Savage) right here, right now and be part of the funnest, filthiest amateur porn fest ever!
UPDATE! Congrats to MIRANDA who won today's HUMP ticket giveaway! Check in tomorrow around 3 pm for another shot at tickets!

And NO, saying "Start reading the Mercury" is NOT a good answer!! (Sob. Why are you such a feelings-hurter?)

QUESTIONLAND: Forcing you to stay awake since 2009.
In case you didn't realize, THIS WEEKEND is the HUMP! amateur porn fest at Cinema 21, hosted by Dan Savage (Oct 23 & 24)! One show out of four is already sold out, and the others are selling fast, so chop-chop over to our HUMP Ticket Site and get yours pronto!
OR…Â if you really like to roll the dice, you can try to win one of the pairs of HUMP tickets we'll be giving away every day this week! Today's contest is already under way, so send me an email with "Hey Hump! Give Me Tickets to HUMP!" in the subject line. BE SURE TO INCLUDE YOUR NAME, AND WHICH SCREENING YOU'D LIKE TO ATTEND (Fri 7:30—this is an 18+ show— & 9:30, Sat 7:30 & 9:30). I'll choose one lucky winner at random at 5 pm, and put your name on the guest list (plus one) for the screening of your choice!
DON'T MISS HUMP: THE FUNNEST, MOST HILARIOUSLY PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIE EVENT OF THE YEAR!
UPDATE! Congrats to APRIL for winning today's pair of HUMP! tickets. Tune in tomorrow for another shot!


A handful of commenters took it upon themselves to organize the next Blogtown meetup, having apparently grown tired of waiting for us to pull something together. So I am merely the messenger; here's the plan, as conveyed to me by a shadowy cabal of Blogtown regulars:
DETAILS:
Thurs, Nov 5
7 pm: Meet at Shanghai Tunnel for drinks/awkward socializing.
8 pm: Proceed to Glowing Greens for a rousing game of black-lit minigolf. (Or meet at mini-golf, for kiddies and non-drinkers.) Games are $7.50 for the first round, $4.50 after that, or $2 for non players.
Because this is NOT a Mercury-organized event, I will not be providing nametags. Just putting that out there.
Whenever I'm faced with a moral quandary, I ask myself one thing: WWJJD?

Don't pee on my leg and tell me that it's raining… especially in QUESTIONLAND!!
Fruit Flies! GAHH! They are driving me crazy! How do I get rid of them?

Gahhh! QUESTIONLAND!!
OMIGOD, THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD! I could eat the shit out of one of those right now!

Help a future morbidly obese person (like me) out in the caramel coated confines of QUESTIONLAND!!
What's going on around Portland for Halloween?
Lots of fun stuff, including the Mercury and Doug Fir's super fun BEST LITTLE HORROR HOUSE IN PORTLAND! Local comedy troupes will have horror stations set up all around Doug Fir, plus a costume stripping contest, and a pumpkin smashing contest hosted by Gallagher and Billy Corgan*! Oh yeah, and musical entertainment by an awesome little group known as HOCKEY. See you there!
(*Not actually Gallagher or Billy Corgan. Ahem. QUESTIONLAND!!)

Can you feel it? Portland's got a serious case of blue balls. All this delayed gratification is HOTT, but I'm ready to Hump already. Thank goodness in less than two weeks some of the Rose City's sexiest sexies will be stripping down and getting Biblical on Cinema 21's silver screen.
That's right! If you just started reading this blog, then maybe you haven't heard, but consenting adults all over town will be getting their collective rocks off at Hump, Portland's most lithe and flexible amateur porn fest. Anticipation is only growing now that 18-20-year-olds can get in on the action with a special sober screening at 7:00 pm on October 23rd. After that the old people will be spilling the wine and getting boozy for a screening at 9:30 pm, and the following night at 7 and 9:30.
Sure, Dan Savage will be there, but there's more! Films were encouraged to include specific props and Portland locations just to spice it up. I'm super excited to see the devil's testicle appear somewhere it won't seem out of place.
What are you waiting for? Your dom's not going to force you to buy tickets. Show a little gumption and get them before they run out!

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Point Juncture, WA