This week's letters to the editor are a little, mmmm, I'm gonna say "eclectic."

—First off this dude David (last name "Messenger"... coincidence?) went through a days-long phase of sending us his "thought of the day." This included an expression of hatred against drum circles (here, here), the criticization of girls' haircuts, followed by, "I get bicycle activism. I ride every day, since 1988. Locally. I haven't had a driver's license in over 30 years. (Know a woman who finds that attractive? Have her call me—they are few and far between, believe me.)" Hmm.

—Just your garden variety general insult from John: "Your latest issue contains absolutely nothing of value." Yeah, yeah.

—Another sputter of outrage. This time we let "Colemter001" stand by his "flouride" stance without intervention.

—And then oops! Jennifer got her best fuck-you finger stuck in one of our boxes. Frankly I think it just looks tougher this way:

I know it's raining, but try not to be such a bummer next week, you guys!

"That looks like Sam Lipsyte," I said when I saw the proof of this week's cover. Well, GUESS WHO IT IS??

The photo is by Asger Carlsen, whose creepy modified photos are worth a browse. Our art director Justin Scrappers Morrison explained that he chose the image "for the fucking fantasy of it," adding, "It links directly to the lead story."

(If you're playing "Find the Lipsyte," he also makes an appearance in Marc Maron's new memoir as "Sam," the writer-friend who advised Maron not to leave his first wife. Give that the the qualifier "first" is necessary, you can guess whether Maron took the advice.)

I can tell you right now that this week's letters section is going to be nothing compared to next week's letters section. Because this.

But still! This week's letters shall not be ignored! Like,

—Botany that smells like genitals. It's still happening.

—Wedding planning is stressful, not least because everyone thinks they should be the one to tell you how to do it.

—We knew that this cover would raise some eyebrows, yet some people still manage to surprise us.

• Photo by Bob Renno

—Alison Hallett tells it how it is about the Stumptown Comics Fest, people appreciate her honesty and criticism, and things are as they should be.

—And! Erika the Haiku Bandit (I just came up with that) returns! Poetry in the Mercury two issues in a row? That's history in the making, my friends.

Seventy degrees is so last week.

You're interested in the Mercury editorial process—we're interested in showing you the Mercury editorial process. After last week's very intense meeting, the arguments that usually stay inside the office spilled out onto the street. What follows is some amateur video of Courtney and Marjorie's disagreement over some minor variation in AP Style. I couldn't understand what they were screaming about to tell the truth.

[Note: That's Dirk VanderHart with the leather jacket and scooter, I'm in the gladiator outfit.]

What's on the tongues of the Mercury readers this week? Let's consult the strange world of Letters to the Editor!

—Sometimes you guys go off the grid and just want to get something off our your chest that has nothing particularly to do with us, and that's sometimes okay. Like Brian the professional motorist who gives his professional opinion on the well-trod subject of bicyclists, but you might want to give his professional point of view a bit more weight since he's not just a driver, but a professional driver. Professionally speaking, of course.

—If you buy your pet from a pet store or breeder you are being kind of a dick. No, you are.

—Unsurprisingly even talking about parking spaces is at least as stressful as finding them or—ugh—having to parallel park into them. (Can we all agree it's hilarious when you see someone back into a huge space all wrong, get embarrassed and give up, then speed off all angry around the corner? Good times.)

—Someone (sort of) wrote us a haiku about those trees that smell like semen! They're in bloom now, can't ya just smell it? Breeeaathe it iiinnn!

Letters: It's a zoo in there.

Letters. Ha! Yeah right. We're all digital now, baby. So what did you guys mostly anonymously internet comment at us this week? "Dandelions are Satan's shiny yellow eyeballs." Well, that's a very interesting botanical observation indeed!

—Charlie Hales. What do you think? You don't know yet but definitely fluoride has something to do with it. And probably rich kids, too.

—Reader Mike C. wants a few more streets in the clubby part of town permanently shut down to cars to create "a welcoming daytime atmosphere as well as a safe party environment." Hmm. Sounds kind of nice, actually.

—How 'bout that spring rain, amirite? You know what they say about weather in the Pacific NW: "Don't like it? Wait a minute." HA! High five! Cuz like, the sun only shines for four minutes out of the year, and let's go stick our heads under lanterns and Vitamin D and umbrellas and weather and boo hoo hoo blah blah blah.

—I am NOT too fat for these pants. I am simply too big for them. Get it straight.

• Illustration by Joseph Harmon

Oh, Letters. I kind of love you.

Ah yes, what were we talking about again?

Here's what this week's brand new batch of letter writers had to say about last week:

—That extremely concerning I, Anonymous about the author's failed suicide attempt? To whoever authored that: People who have never even met you care and are worried about you, and some even know exactly how you feel. Talk to them.

—Somewhat surprisingly, nobody batted an eyelash when we devoted a lengthy feature to Bob Seger. In fact it achieved quite the opposite, uncorking a collective gush of Seger-directed adoration from fans across America. Good times.

—Some guy thinks that it's no so much that god dislikes homosexuals, to paraphrase Michelle Shocked, as it is that god hates all of mankind in general. Or maybe it's just that he likes Slayer? He definitely likes Leprechauns.

—And finally, letter winner Brian gives Mayor Charlie Hales some advice on parking space management that mostly takes the shape of reenacting scenes from Back to the Future, which we could totally get behind, BTW.

• Universal Studios
• When you write a letter that allows us to title it "1.21 GIGAWATTS!" everybody wins.

In this week's film section, senior editor/film editor Erik Henriksen wrote the following in regards to the BAM (Beer and Movies) film fest:

A fest celebrating Portland's vibrant theater pub culture, this year's Beer and Movie Fest (BAM) has an uneven lineup, but the films worth hitting are really worth hitting—like Woody Allen's Annie Hall, Paul Verhoeven's Starship Troopers, and John Woo's Hard Boiled, all of which play this week on 35mm at the Academy.

The fest's other, less exciting selections include Road House, Kelly's Heroes, and Where Eagles Dare.

WOW. Wow oh wow oh WOW. Obviously you can pick out the ridiculously contrarian and flat-out WRONG thing he wrote, and like me, your head is ready to explode off the top of your neck. For those just joining us, Mercury film reviewers have two jobs: 1) Go to all the movies for FREE, sniff haughtily, and write, "Didn't like it." And 2) DON'T INSULT THE MOTHERFUCKING CLASSICS.

And so...

We know you're curious about why we here at the Mercury do the things we do ("A Bob Seger Issue? Okay... wait... what?!?"), and that's why we regularly videotape our editorial meetings for your educational enjoyment. However, this time, instead of taping everyone in the room, we plugged the camera directly into the USB port in the back of Alison Hallett's neck—so you can actually see what's happening inside her BRAIN! During this portion of the meeting, I embarked on a lengthy, but very interesting treatise on how the media can better serve its readers by developing a more diverse online portfolio that embraces various platforms and niche interests. And here's what Alison was thinking:

The winning email from yesterday's Hannibal Buress ticket giveaway:

I'm a pregnant mortician and could really use a fun night out!

That's how you do THAT.

Everybody else—tickets are still available for tomorrow night's show at the Aladdin.

What are we talking about this week? Hmm, let's consult the old mailbag, shall we?

—You care a lot about the outcome of the debate over new housing developments and parking spaces. Some of you think parking spots are as essential as bathrooms because 'Merica, some say the city is already missing the opportunity to charge for parking all the time and everywhere, and some fret that Portland will begin to resemble the parking spot-starved landscape of New York City! New York City!

—Also, we should be using more solar power if we want to throw our weight around in the eco-friendly high five club.

—How about instead of using fewer cops and concentrating on crime "hotspots," we just let people jaywalk and sleep in dog poop if they want to, eh?

—Did Sam Adams leave behind too many unfinished and questionably feasible programs in his wake? Such as bike share?

—You know what you guys are good at? Coming up with names for band-themed names for food carts. No really, you are super talented. Let's figure out a way to monetize this.

• Illustration by David Antonio Perezcassar