Portland Mercury

Monday, May 14, 2012

Oh, You Kids! Awesome, Awesome Baby

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, May 14, 2012 at 10:59 AM

Undeniably, most babies are STUPID. They drool, they crap their pants, they vomit indiscriminately, and they eat their boogers. However, once in a generation a stupid baby comes along that turns out to be... well... AWESOME. What follows is such a baby. WAKE UP, STUPID BABY! WAKE UP AND BE AWESOME!

Stupid, awesome baby.
Hat tips to Marissa!

Oh, You Kids! / Music / Cops The Most Adorable Sabotage

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Mon, May 14, 2012 at 9:44 AM

Beastie Boys - Sabotage / MCA tribute from James Winters on Vimeo.

In which Spike Jonze's video for the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage"—once the bane of MTV censors—serves as the basis for (A) a delightful family bonding exercise and (B) the most adorable tribute to Adam Yauch I can possibly imagine. Thanks to Ted Douglass and Jordi Barnes for the heads up.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Oh, You Kids! Racist Monkeys on a Trampoline

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, May 10, 2012 at 1:59 PM

This morning I brought you a fantastic clip of the "table/feet juggling" talents of The Baronton Sisters from a 1969 episode of The Ed Sullivan Show. And while doing my research, I also stumbled upon another clip from the show... this time starring racist monkeys on stilts and a trampoline. After watching this clip, I think you'll agree: racism is their only talent.

P.S. Don't you dare try to tell me the difference between a monkey, chimp, ape, or orangutan. If a monkey wears clothes? He's a monkey. DEAL WITH IT.

Oh, You Kids! / LGBTQI-Z Every Child Deserves a Mother and a Father

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, May 10, 2012 at 12:44 PM

Yesterday Obama said that listening to his kids talk about their friends with same-sex parents helped bring him around on the issue of marriage equality. Parenting expert Bristol Palin weighs in:

While it’s great to listen to your kids’ ideas, there’s also a time when dads simply need to be dads. In this case, it would’ve been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage. Or that—as great as her friends may be—we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home.

Studies don't show that kids do better growing up in a mother/father home. Studies show that kids generally do better growing up in two-parent homes—you know, the kind of home that Bristol Palin isn't providing for her child.

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Oh, You Kids! Juggling Advice for Hippies

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, May 10, 2012 at 10:14 AM

Dear Portland Hippies:

The weather is warming, and already I'm seeing you practicing your juggling and fire spinning skills on the lawn of the waterfront. Question: Why are you so LAME? This is Portland, where we celebrate the weird, so why are you still juggling balls? Take a tip from France's The Baronton Sisters who make you look like lazy sacks of crap, because they juggle tables. WITH THEIR FEET. Watch their demonstration from this 1969 episode of The Ed Sullivan Show, and don't show your bewhiskered faces on the waterfront again until you're ready to balance some tables on your tootsies, while lying in a gynecologist examination chair.

Thank you,
Wm. Steven Humphrey

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Oh, You Kids! Oh, You Japanese Kids, and Your Crazy Vegetable Dances

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, May 2, 2012 at 10:14 AM

Providing your Wednesday morning with a healthy dose of Whaaaat Thaaaaa Faaaaaack??? here's the Kyary Kids with their pro-vegetable dance number, "Vegetarhythm." And as a vegan, I think you'll...

SHUT UP, VEGAN!

Fine.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Oh, You Kids! Stupid, Stupid Baby: The Housecleaner

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Apr 25, 2012 at 9:59 AM

CLEAN MY HOUSE, YOU STUPID BABY!! What??? What are you using to clean that table top? Haven't you ever heard of a sponge, stupid? And why don't you take off that stupid jacket?? You look like albino Michael Jackson, for the love of stupid Christ. Look... just... just... OMIFUCKINGGOD, JUST NEVERMIND!!! I'll do it myself!! Just go and sit in the corner. Sure, you can keep on drinking that cleaning fluid. Maybe it'll make you less STUPID!!!!

Stupid baby cleaning fluid poisoned stupid baby.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Oh, You Kids! / Jerk / TV Bill O'Reilly: Experimenting with Being an Asshole Again

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Apr 23, 2012 at 11:14 AM

In another edition of "SHUT UP, BILL O'REILLY," Bill slammed the makers of Glee for including a transgendered teen (played by Alex Newell) on their show. From the New York Daily News:

“Here's the problem with a show like this, though,” O’Reilly said in the segment of his Thursday night show, “The O’Reilly Factor”, flagged by the advocacy group Media Matters. “If you make the behavior of these people ... if children hear it, unsupervised children, okay who don't have parents watching their — they might go out and experiment with this stuff.”

I'm pretty sure that when Bill O'Reilly was a kid, and he "experimented" with being an asshole, that didn't make him become one. It's a pretty fair guess that he was born that way.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Oh, You Kids! / Film LOL! Miley Cyrus! ROFL! IRL!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Apr 18, 2012 at 10:14 AM

Guys! Kids have it TOUGH. Which is why, as a parent of three growing teens (Jake, Chip, and Tisha), you owe it to your children to go see the upcoming Miley Cyrus movie LOL. (Note: "LOL" is teen lingo for "Lots o' luck" which is what a teen really needs to navigate the nutty world of high school! Amirite?) Anyway, LOL stars Miley Cyrus as an oversized pair of dentures crammed into Miley Cyrus' mouth who is dating the dreamiest boy in school... until she's not! And she's, like, fucking sad about it, man! Luckily another boy comes along who looks a lot like the first boy. I don't think it's the same boy, though... although they do look a lot alike. Anyway, she's happy again! Until she's not. Either the first boy or the second boy wants to have sex with her, and she's (correctly I might add) all like, "What? Are you insane? SEX??? I'm still in high school, gah!" Luckily her mom is the corpse of Demi Moore who cuddles with her in bed. Or is that rigor mortis? I dunno. GUYS, THIS MOVIE IS GONNA BE HOT!

UPDATE: Commenter Graham thinks you should know about Miley's recent blender accident, and how her "turkey neck" looks really weird. Consider yourself informed!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Oh, You Kids! / TV Game of Thrones Kids Sing Game of Thrones Theme

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Apr 12, 2012 at 11:44 AM

In the season one Blu-Ray edition of Game of Thrones, the GoT kids Arya, Sansa and Bran Stark (played by Maisie Williams, Sophie Turner, and Isaac Hempstead Wright) get their very own commentary track, and wisely use it to adorably sing the Game of Thrones theme. Check it out!

Very cute, kids. Next up: describing the ensuing murder rapes.

Oh, You Kids! Stupid, Stupid Baby: The Melon

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Apr 12, 2012 at 10:14 AM

HEY, STUPID! Yeah, you! STUPID BABY. Let's see if you can do one thing other than crap in your diaper. Pick up that melon. Pick up that melon, you stupid baby! Just... just... put your hands underneath it, and... NO! Jesus, stupid! Those aren't your hands! Okay... okay... now lift with your knees and... oh for the love of Christ. YOU'RE LIFTING WITH YOUR ELBOWS, YOU LITTLE DROOLING IDIOT. Just pick up the fucking melon and... oh, my GODDDDDDDD!!! Just fucking forget it!!! YOU STUPID FUCKING LITTLE STUPID BABY!!!

Stupid baby can't even pick up a stupid melon what is this stupid world coming to mumblemumblemumble.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

?!?!? / Oh, You Kids! Soviets Winning in "Flying Little Girl" Race

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Apr 10, 2012 at 3:00 PM

Now my Russian isn't what it used to be—in fact, the only word I know is "nyet"—but this is what I think this Russian newscaster is saying:

ROOSKIE NEWS ANCHOR: A man and a dog panicked today after stumbling upon a flying little girl. The man and dog were walking through the woods recently, when the dog ran ahead and suddenly started screaming, "Oh, fuck me! Dude, there's a fucking flying little girl over here, man! SHE'S ACTUALLY FUCKING FLYING!"

The man also saw the flying little girl, and when later reached for comment said, "My dog was absolutely correct. That was a flying little girl. What... the... fuck."

As you will see in this video, the flying little girl stopped flying when she was spotted by the astounded dog and man, and walked away with someone who was presumably her mother, or perhaps a disguised Professor Charles Francis Xavier who is known to run a highly regarded school for mutants. Wait... it couldn't be Professor Xavier—dude's crippled. Anyway. A FLYING GIRL. Whoa. That's some trippy shit. Now on to sports, with Yuri Gravenovich...

via

Horrors / Oh, You Kids! / TV Mr. McFeely and the Terrifying Purple Panda

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Apr 10, 2012 at 9:59 AM

Even though the thoroughly enjoyable Mister Rogers' Neighborhood is no more, his old sidekick/speedy delivery man Mr. McFeely (David Newell) is still working the kindergarten circuit. But now he's touring with his absolutely terrifying pal, "Purple Panda" who hilariously scares the living crap out of the children in this video. In McFeely's defense, those kids are a bunch of pusses. That being said, change your name, McFeely!!

via

Monday, April 9, 2012

Oh, You Kids! / Film Hunger Games Barbie: CONDEMN OR ALLOW?!?

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 2:14 PM

via Popwatch

I'm not exactly sure why I was surprised by this—but! Mattel is yes, indeedy marketing a "Katniss Everdeen" Barbie, which is available for pre-sale now, and will hit the toy shelves in August. From Popwatch:

Designers at Mattel created Katniss’ look by going straight to the source and examining the actual costume that Jennifer Lawrence wore in The Hunger Games. “Hopefully Hunger Games fans can appreciate the attention to detail,” Greening says.”The doll’s minimalistic style and details — such as her loosely braided hair and makeup-free look — also really embody the heroic character Katniss.”

Wellllllllllllll?

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Comic Books / Oh, You Kids! The Best Thing Ever

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Tue, Apr 3, 2012 at 1:29 PM

You're welcome.

Via.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Oh, You Kids! Alicia Silverstone Feeds Her Baby (Bird)

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Mar 29, 2012 at 1:29 PM

Oh, god... I don't know how to introduce this. OKAY! Meet it head on, I guess. Here is a video of Alicia Silverstone (Clueless, Batman & Robin) feeding her kid like a baby bird—which is to say, chewing up her food and spitting it into his mouth.

I feel bad about this. On the one hand, Clueless! (SO GOOD!) Spitting chewed food into a baby's mouth? (SO BAD!) But then again? Alicia as Batgirl? (SO BAD!) You need to do something SO GOOD, Alicia—and quick.
via

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Oh, You Kids! Freeze Your Nubbies off for Free Shit at Mt Hood Meadows while I and The Other Sane People Wear Wool Inside and Drink Hot Tea

Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Wed, Mar 28, 2012 at 4:32 PM

So it's the old bathing-suit-in-the-snow trick, eh? Unless I'm being paid a $9,000 day rate to pose for a world-famous photographer or in a really bad situation that you should probably do me a solid and call the cops about, being in the snow wearing a bathing suit ain't gonna friggin' happen. However, I'm told that people enjoy it as a kind of whimsical lark. And that's fine. I get my own kicks. However, should you be one of the thrilled-to-be-frozen, you may as well exercise your oddity for personal profit.

For instance: Every weekend in April, Mount Hood Meadows will be doling out 20% off coupons to Popina Swimwear to anyone who shows up to go skiing in a bathing suit. I know, 20% off does not equal free, but they'll also enter you in a weekly drawing for things like a $250 gift card to Popina, $100 to the Meadows, and two VIP passes to the 6th annual SnoKona Pond Skim on Saturday April 28—wherein people dress up in costumes to ski down a hill and skim over a 90 ft "pond" (sounds safe). Needless to say, beer is involved (it's thrown by Kona Brewing, thus the name), and models are ~~tortured~~ challenged in the name of fun with a swimwear fashion show. It goes like this:

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Monday, March 26, 2012

Oh, You Kids! Today in :(

Posted by Alison Hallett on Mon, Mar 26, 2012 at 1:14 PM

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Friday, March 23, 2012

Oh, You Kids! / SEX / TV Dan Savage's MTV Show Debuts April 3! And Porno Pete Is Going Nuts!

Posted by David Schmader on Fri, Mar 23, 2012 at 2:44 PM

MTV recently released the trailer for Savage U, which premieres Tuesday after next on, uh, MTV.

Get More: Savage U, Full Episodes

Peter LaBarbara, president of the designated hate group Americans for Truth About Homosexuality and full-time Savage obsessive, is freaking the fuck out. From the AFTAH press release:

AFTAH Calls on Viacom Inc. to Cancel ‘Savage U,’ New MTV Show Featuring Perverted Cyber-Bully Dan Savage...Said LaBarbera: “There are two main reasons why MTV and its parent company Viacom should cancel Dan Savage’s new show about sex on college campuses: Number One: Dan Savage is a radical and raunchy homosexual activist who gives unhealthy and reckless sex advice. He aggressively works to undermine the historic ethic of marital fidelity by championing the twisted notion that married couples should allow outside sex — like so many ‘monogamish’ homosexual male couples do. Incredibly, Savage argues that this would lower the divorce rate.”

“Number Two: Savage is an unrepentant cyber-bully who has led a worldwide internet campaign to demonize and destroy Rick Santorum’s name — creating ‘Santorum[dot]com’ to ‘re-define’ it as the revolting by-product of anal sex. He should NOT be rewarded for this evil crusade, nor held up as a role-model for young people.

Oh man. I almost feel sorry for Porno Pete, having to stand by while Dan is literally paid to indoctrinate America's youth. But my glee soon overtakes all would-be sorry feelings.

Thank you, Joe.My.God.

Oh, You Kids! / Election 2012 / TV "19 Reasons & Counting to Vote for Rick Santorum"

Posted by David Schmader on Fri, Mar 23, 2012 at 9:44 AM

A plague o' Duggars take turns praising Santorum.

Speaking of the worthless opinions of inappropriately spilled seed, the crispy T-shirt under my bed endorses Ron Paul.

Thank you, Christian Nightmares.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Oh, You Kids! Stupid, Stupid Baby: Bubbles.

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Mar 14, 2012 at 2:00 PM

Dear Stupid, Stupid Baby:
You are fucking stupid. That is all.
Sincerely yours,
Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

P.S. I wish those were acid bubbles.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Oh, You Kids! A Hot Transformers Tip from "surfnskate96@gmail.com"

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Fri, Mar 9, 2012 at 9:59 AM

In my inbox, from "surfnskate96@gmail.com":

Hi Erik,
Have you guys seen this footage of the new transformers ride, looks off the chain, if you post it will you give me a mention:

http://youtu.be/ueItDRlbwQg

-dave

Huh. What a weird coincidence.

(Post-script: If you're the unfortunate, clumsy publicist for Universal Studios' crappy Transformers ride, please, I beg you, email me for real. I'd love to hear your thoughts about how the internet works.)

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Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Oh, You Kids! Stupid, Stupid Baby: The Great Escape

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Mar 7, 2012 at 10:44 AM

Jesus, you stupid, stupid baby!! When I put you in your crib, I expect you to stay in your crib! Not try to escape, and hilariously embarrass yourself like the stupid, stupid baby you are! Apparently, I'm the only smart person in this family—because I had the wherewithal to set up a video camera so we could film you breaking your neck! (Proof like that might come in handy later on when we're trying to convince the judge we didn't kill you because you're... SO... FUCKING... STUPID!!)

GAAAAHHH! STUPID!!

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Friday, March 2, 2012

Oh, You Kids! / Events The Fabulous Return of... SKATE-A-ROKE!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Mar 2, 2012 at 2:44 PM

IT’S BACK! The most popular and insanely hilarious night of the Mercury’s Winter of Fun™ series… SKATE-A-ROKE! Our first edition of Skate-a-Roke back in January was such a success, we’re doing it again—it's coming up on Monday, March 12, and it’s gonna be more fun than ever!

Instead of the dreary Top 40 pop one usually hears while roller skating, it’ll be YOU—singing your lungs out to a throng of sexy skaters jamming around the rink. And once again we’re featuring the always awesome Baby Ketten Karaoke! (Pick a fun, UPBEAT number, please. This is roller boogie after all! Visit babykettenkaraoke.com to see if they have your jam.)

PLUS! Your cheap $10 admission also benefits a great cause—Planned Parenthood Advocates of Oregon! In case you haven’t heard, there are plenty of terrible people out there trying to squash a woman’s right to choose. And Planned Parenthood Advocates (the political arm of PP) are fighting to preserve Oregon’s status as one of the three most pro-choice states in the nation!

PRO TIP! GET YOUR TICKETS NOW HERE! You can skip the long line, and get your karaoke song into the queue that much sooner.

ALSO! WEAR YOUR SEXIEST SKATING OUTFITS! Think tube socks, shorty shorts, spandex, freaky wigs—the funner the better!

Join us for THE skating/singing event of the winter!
Skate-a-Roke!
Oaks Park Skating Rink
7805 SE Oaks Park Way
MONDAY, MARCH 12
7 pm — 10 pm
$10 (includes skates)
All Ages! (Partial proceeds go to Planned Parenthood Advocates of Oregon.)

ROLLER SKATING AND KARAOKE… TOGETHER AT LAST!