This Week in the Mercury
Puppy
Friday, February 5, 2010
Olive / Puppy / Drunk This Is What Happens When the Boss Leaves Early
Posted by Ned Lannamann on Fri, Feb 5, 2010 at 5:33 PM
Mercury Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphrey left work a little earlier today and, as a result, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. See for yourself.
Also, it should be mentioned that three members of the Mercury editorial staff are currently drinking beers at their desks.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Olive / Puppy / TV / Cops For Those Doubting Doubters Who Didn't Believe Me
Posted by Ned Lannamann on Thu, Jan 21, 2010 at 2:43 PM
Omigod! Omigod! Since you are craving more after just a sweet taste, here is the whole glorious thing.
Parts 2 and 3 after the jump.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Puppy Such Nice Dogs
Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Jan 18, 2010 at 9:50 AM
...but do try to keep your voice down:
Police are investigating the death of a 56-year-old man whose daughter came home Sunday night to find him covered in blood and apparently killed by the pit bulls she was raising, police sources said. Johnny Wilson was found in the living room of his home in the 10200 block of South Aberdeen with numerous bite marks on his body, according to the Cook County medical examiner's office. Other sources said he suffered massive head, chest and upper body trauma.Four pit bulls and two puppies in the home were turned over to Chicago Animal Care and Control.
A longtime neighbor at whose house the daughter and her family stayed Sunday night said he thought the attack was out of character for the dogs, which he has found to be friendly in the past. A source said the daughter was breeding the dogs, but there was no sign of dogfighting in the house. She told investigators the dogs were afraid of her father because his voice was loud.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Olive / Puppy Should Your Dog Smell Like "Cherry Vanilla"?
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Jan 14, 2010 at 4:30 PM
Seen today in the PetSmart store on 82nd...
WAIT. A dog that smells like "cherry vanilla"? Is this something that people actually want? I remember my old dog (Marmaduke Goldstein) used to smell like a cross between a moldy towel and warmed-over Cheetos—but I think I would prefer that to cherry vanilla.
From the PetSmart site, here are some more details on what this "Top Dog" package entails:
Promote your pooch to top dog by adding oatmeal, brightening or low-shed shampoo, remoisturizing conditioner, teeth brushing and breath freshener. Cologne and a bandana or bow included.
Forget cherry vanilla! I want my dog to wear a bandana and smell like Drakkar Noir!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Olive / Puppy / TV / Cops This Was Real, Swear to God
Posted by Ned Lannamann on Tue, Jan 12, 2010 at 12:14 PM
This has been cropping up on various places around the internet (I first saw it on Slog), but it's so great that if you missed it, you need to see it for yourself.
Or, at least, it would have been better than Everybody Loves Raymond.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Geek / Puppy / Ethics Animal Cruelty: Okay When Star Wars is Involved
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Nov 6, 2009 at 3:35 PM
Okay, so this guy dressed up his miniature pinscher as an AT-AT from Star Wars—which actually is the least cruel part of this video. The worst part is having an owner who not only enjoys humiliating you, but makes it insurmountably worse by ordering you to march around while he hums the Imperial March song. There's not a lake of fire in Hell deep enough for you, pal.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Luv / Puppy / Cots / Cats Coats for Cubs
Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Thu, Nov 5, 2009 at 4:56 PM
The annual Buffalo Exchange fur-donation program is right around the corner, kicking off on the 14th of this month through April 22nd. For those unfamiliar with the "Coats for Cubs" program, it's a drive to collect authentic fur and shearling pieces—even just trims and collars—for the Humane Society to use as bedding for injured and orphaned wildlife cuz it reminds them of their mommies. Take a minute to think about how sweet and sad and cute that is.
Now gather up whatever fur you're not using (tattered and battered is a-okay) and bring it down to any Buffalo location between those dates, and tell them it's a donation for the program. Voila. (If you want to claim a tax deduction, mail it to The Humane Society of the United States, attn: Coats for Cubs, 2100 L St, NW, Washington, DC, 20037).
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Puppy / Portland A Touching Video
Posted by Ali "the Intern" Reingold on Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 2:07 PM
I’m concerned that some people may not have seen this:
The touching piano music really makes it.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Puppy / Cats Welcome to Animals with Lightsabers Thursday!
Posted by Erik Henriksen on Thu, Oct 1, 2009 at 2:54 PM
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Puppy / SEX / Music He is Coming! Oh, Sweet God, Morrissey is Coming!!
Posted by Ezra Caraeff on Thu, Sep 17, 2009 at 2:53 PM
For the first time since 2002 a giant naked Morrissey will once again reign supreme over the Portland skyline. Or, at least in my steamy dreams. But the Mozzer is returning to Portland, once again at the Roseland, on Monday November 30th.
Now back to my erotic Morrissey Photoshop projects...
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Puppy Obesity Epidemic Now Includes Adorable Puppies
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Sep 2, 2009 at 1:31 PM
Jesus. Look at this fat fucking puppy. It's so fat… IT CAN'T GET UP! Get up, you fat fucking puppy! Actually, don't get up. Just roll around on your back until you lose some of that juicy blubber that's keeping you down there in the first place. Then, when you finally do starve yourself down to a reasonable weight, you can get up, and start stuffing your fat fucking puppy face again, you fat fucking puppy. (Stop looking at me like that. You're fucking fat, you fat fucking puppy.)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Puppy / Politics And Now a Message from SODAHC (Stupid Obese Dogs Against Health Care)
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Aug 11, 2009 at 2:29 PM
Okay, though the Hillbillies Against Health Care guys are the lowest form of turds on the planet, this video is still pretty amusing. (Until you start to realize the dog was probably beaten every time he heard the name "Barack Obama.")
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Puppy "Please Stop Staring at the Fork in My Head."
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Jul 14, 2009 at 9:55 AM
"Look… guys… c'mon. I'm gonna be fine, okay? This fork in my brain? It's just a minor setback, that's all. They're going to remove it, I'm going to be as good as new, and there's no reason to make this a 'BIG INTERNET DEAL,' you know what I mean? I would much prefer to be remembered as a super cute puppy on one of those super cute animal sites. So if you could just maybe stop staring at the fork in my head, and maybe just forget you even saw this picture that would be great. Seriously, as soon as I pass the neurological exams, and get the stitches out, I'm going to do something that's so awesomely cute, you won't even remember this insignificant fork incident. Maybe I'll cuddle with a baby tiger! Or climb into a basket of kittens! Maybe I could pose with a baby seal, and… and… C'MON GUYS! STOP STARING AT THE FORK!!!"
Monday, July 6, 2009
Puppy "He Bite Me in My Vagina."
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jul 6, 2009 at 3:23 PM
This one has been around for awhile, but worth trotting out for this reminder: Auditions for PIZZAZZ! (The Mercury's all-city talent show) is coming up on SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, and I know many of you are looking for the perfect act that will win you 1000 smackeroos! (Find out more, and enter here!)
See, if I were you, I would memorize and perform this lady dog owner's monologue, which I think should be called "He Bite Me in My Vagina." Like all truly great theater, this has it all: laughter, tears, and a lawyer almost getting his crotch eaten. (Her unforgettable entrance is at the one minute mark.)
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Puppy Puppies Recreate David Carradine Tragedy
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Jun 9, 2009 at 3:23 PM
Oh, wait… they're dressed. Never mind.
BUT WHILE I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION… why don't you be a sweetheart, and scoot over to Questionland, where you can ask questions or leave answers on a wide variety of interesting topics? Here are some good questions, just waiting for smart answers from brainy people like yourself.
• How do I get the douches from the bowling alley to stop smoking weed next to my kid's bedroom window?
• Best friend getting married next May. What do we do for her bachelorette party?
• I've decided I don't want to do anything except race go-karts. Where are the best places in or around Portland? (Okay, okay… that was my question.)
• Neat men's fashion retail in Portland, good women's swimsuit shopping. Suggestions needed!
And here's a question that doesn't have anything to do with puppies or David Carradine…
• The Michael Hutchence question: Is it better for people to think you died from autoerotic asphyxiation, or from suicide?
Don't just hang around! (Too soon?) Visit QUESTIONLAND and obtain the knowledge you need today!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Puppy / News For the Love of Puppies
Posted by Rachael the Unpaid News Intern on Mon, Jun 8, 2009 at 5:58 PM
In a happy event for dogs and puppy lovers, the “puppy mill law” successfully made its way through the Oregon senate last Tuesday, June 2, and onto the desk of Governor Ted Kulongoski, who has already said he will sign it. Passing 18-10, most of the opposition was from Republicans, backed by breeders and puppy-haters.
The new law limits breeders to 50 breeding dogs who must be over two years old and mandates that all dogs be given at least one hour’s exercise a day. And they must have enough room to sit, stand, turn, and lie down.
Furthermore, pet stores can no longer rely on customers’ infatuation with the cute and furry to avoid disclosing their breeders. The new law requires pet stores to state where their puppies come from. No more excuses of protecting financial interest — pet stores often say they don’t want customers bypassing their stores and going directly to the breeders simply to avoid disclosing puppy mills as their source, says Matt Rossell of In Defense for Animals.
Rossell was involved in a campaign against Scamps, a pet store chain notorious for its use of puppy mill puppies. Incidentally, it was reported today that Scamps is closing its doors for good.
Puppy-lover extraordinaire Scott Beckstead of the Humane Society of the United States tells the Mercury this new law “won’t have any effect on the future of responsible breeding….This is really addressed at large-scale operations where dogs are treated as a cash-crop, not a companion animal.”
Puppy mills are large-scale breeding facilities infamous for their inhumane treatment dogs, which often includes stacked cages with wire bottoms, zero medical treatment, no human contact, and forcible breeding cycle after cycle.
To avoid getting a puppy mill dog, HSUS recommends considering adoption and says to avoid pet stores, most of which do sell puppy mill puppies, despite their claims otherwise. For those who really do want to get their dog from a breeder, HSUS offers tips on how find a responsible one.
-Rachael Marcus
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Puppy / Ethics Talking Jesus Doll vs. Insane Athiest Puppy… WHO YA GOT?!?
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Apr 16, 2009 at 4:05 PM
I got an Easter basket full of flack for my recent I Love Television™ column in which I merely made the suggestion that Jesus should back the eff off of Easter, and get his own holiday. Oh, wait… he already has one, and it's called CHRISTMAS.
I'm sorry, but two holidays is just WAAAY too much attention for one person (I don't care WHO he is), and apparently the puppy in the video below agrees with me.
Bless you, Videogum.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Puppy Pug Falls in Toilet—Hilarity Ensues!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Apr 8, 2009 at 3:58 PM
Is this as funny as the guy in the background thinks it is? My vote is "yes."
Humor trumps cruelty.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Puppy / Video / Ethics Dog vs. Elephant: Who Ya Got?!
Posted by Patrick Alan Coleman on Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 2:18 PM
HA! Fooled you! You see, life isn't about competition, it's about building strong interpersonal relationships. It's about taking someone's trunk in your fuzzy white paw, looking into their eyes, and barking softly, "You're cool with me, man."
If these two can do it... (sniff, sniff)... Then why can't we? Why can't we?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Cats / Green / Neighborhoods / Puppy The Urban Farm Store; or, OMG BABY CHICKENS!!
Posted by Alison Hallett on Tue, Mar 17, 2009 at 9:30 AM
When I was a kid, I made extra cash every year selling baby guinea pigs to the local feed store (to be purchased by nice families who would love them and care for them and change the sawdust in their cages every day and give them lots of carrots and broccoli florets and most certainly would NOT feed them to snakes. WHAT.)
Upon wandering into the Urban Farm Store on Southeast Morrison over the weekend, I was immediately struck by how similar it was to the feed store we went to when I was younger, albeit selling organic dog food instead of the kind made with, you know, decaying horse hearts and kitten fetuses. It's a very practical store, not boutiquey at all, stocked with bags of wild bird seed, chicken scratch, kitty litter, cat and dog food, organic garden seeds, and an edible plant nursery outside. And in the back? TINY BABY CHICKENS. They've got a few bins of chicks which have been selling like mad, according to Robert, the store's owner (when I asked him where they come from, he said he orders them by mail and they arrive in "cheeping boxes" at the post office).
Future plans for the store include selling full-grown chickens, beekeeping supplies, and rabbits (for petting and loving and cuddling. Certainly not for eating. WHAT.). Oh, and goat feed: Apparently people are into raising and slaughtering their own goats these days? This I did not know. They also offer free chicken keeping classes, for all you aspiring urban farmers out there. (Robert was super helpful, too, even before I disclosed that I'm a media spy; when I asked if they sold cat treats, he said "not yet," but ran to get me a cat food sample. It's definitely a place I'd feel comfortable asking for help and advice.)
This store is great. And of course, business has been booming, because this is a brilliant idea at absolutely the right cultural moment. Check it out for yourself: 1925 SE Morrison, 234-7733, or visit their very comprehensive website, which even has a schedule of when new chicks will be arriving.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Food / Cats / Puppy No Pets at South Park Blocks Farmers Markets
Posted by Patrick Alan Coleman on Tue, Mar 10, 2009 at 10:12 AM
In less than two weeks, spring will officially begin. Coinciding with the vernal equinox on March 21st is the opening of Portland’s Saturday farmers market in the PSU park blocks. The opening of the market will see a selection of early spring veggies, hordes of shoppers, and a surprising lack of animals.
This year the folks from Portland Farmers Market have decided to make a new “No Pets” rule (specifically, "no dogs") for their two busiest locations, both in the South Park Blocks. Organizers say tight spaces in the market, combined with dumb, curious, fuzzy beasts, and a tangle of leashes, have lead to the new policy change.
Personally, I’m excited about this. It’s become increasingly difficult to navigate the Saturday farmers market stalls with the plague of labs in fleece cozies. It seems there’s always a jam as some oblivious dog owner chats with an acquaintance while their mutt sniffs at a table of fresh bread, creating a taught leash trip wire.
You’d think that dog owners would have enough sense about this kind of thing—and I’m sure some do—but all it takes is a few thoughtless people to force someone to make a rule. Still, the market will be better for it. I suspect that things will move much more smoothly among the stalls.
But I’m curious to know what dog owners think of the change. Are there any Blogtownies who are particularly apoplectic about this? And just for the record, the rule applies to all pets. So don’t think you can sneak in your pet iguana Scaly Taylor-Taylor. That goes double for your pet eagle and your ferrets. Basically, Beastmaster, just stay the hell out of the market.
For those who absolutely must take Admiral Furry Bottom to the farmers market, rest assured that your four legged pal will be admitted to all other markets outside of the South Park Blocks. This is especially exciting for those of you who live in Northeast Portland! A new farmers market will be making its appearance at NE 7th and Wygant on May 3rd.
Now, if only they could open a bloody mary stall at the Saturday farmers market and ban all the snot nosed children; then, it would be practically paradise.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Puppy National Grammar (Puppy) Day!
Posted by Courtney Ferguson on Wed, Mar 4, 2009 at 1:07 PM
In honor of National Grammar Day, cute li'l Grammar Puppy makes a triumphant return.
"Forsooth! At present time, I am in your computer, eating your kibble and alphabets."
Thanks to Ezra for the artwork!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Puppy Happy Birthday Olive!
Posted by Ezra Caraeff on Tue, Mar 3, 2009 at 11:37 AM
In honor Pugsday (eh, that was a reach), back-to-back Pug posts.
(Sorry, lonely cat people, you'll have to wait until Friday for your revenge.)
Happy Birthday wishes go out to the Official Mercury Dog, Olive, who turns five years old today. May you have five more years of knocking over trashcans and barking at the creepy people who stop by the office.
Puppy Splinter Doesn't Want His Ear Medicine
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Mar 3, 2009 at 11:00 AM
"Splinter" is perhaps the most aptly named pug in the history of the universe… and just in case you're wondering—HE REALLY FUCKING HATES TAKING HIS EAR MEDICINE.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Cats / Puppy This Is Probably Not Worthy of its Own Blog Post.
Posted by Alison Hallett on Tue, Feb 10, 2009 at 2:00 PM
But, as Mercury freelancer Rob Simonsen put it when he sent me the link, "the fact that there is no 'Hamster on a Piano' in my life anymore basically makes me want to die."
The internet is ruined.
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