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Puppy

Friday, November 6, 2009

Animal Cruelty: Okay When Star Wars is Involved

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Nov 6, 2009 at 3:35 PM

Okay, so this guy dressed up his miniature pinscher as an AT-AT from Star Wars—which actually is the least cruel part of this video. The worst part is having an owner who not only enjoys humiliating you, but makes it insurmountably worse by ordering you to march around while he hums the Imperial March song. There's not a lake of fire in Hell deep enough for you, pal.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Coats for Cubs

Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Thu, Nov 5, 2009 at 4:56 PM

The annual Buffalo Exchange fur-donation program is right around the corner, kicking off on the 14th of this month through April 22nd. For those unfamiliar with the "Coats for Cubs" program, it's a drive to collect authentic fur and shearling pieces—even just trims and collars—for the Humane Society to use as bedding for injured and orphaned wildlife cuz it reminds them of their mommies. Take a minute to think about how sweet and sad and cute that is.

Now gather up whatever fur you're not using (tattered and battered is a-okay) and bring it down to any Buffalo location between those dates, and tell them it's a donation for the program. Voila. (If you want to claim a tax deduction, mail it to The Humane Society of the United States, attn: Coats for Cubs, 2100 L St, NW, Washington, DC, 20037).

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This tiny guy just needs a wee scrap, is all.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A Touching Video

Posted by Ali "the Intern" Reingold on Wed, Oct 7, 2009 at 2:07 PM

I’m concerned that some people may not have seen this:



The touching piano music really makes it.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Welcome to Animals with Lightsabers Thursday!

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Thu, Oct 1, 2009 at 2:54 PM

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puppy.jpg

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All of the above and more here. (Octopus! Pandas! Some sort of newt or something!) Thanks to Kiala for the heads up.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

He is Coming! Oh, Sweet God, Morrissey is Coming!!

Posted by Ezra Caraeff on Thu, Sep 17, 2009 at 2:53 PM

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For the first time since 2002 a giant naked Morrissey will once again reign supreme over the Portland skyline. Or, at least in my steamy dreams. But the Mozzer is returning to Portland, once again at the Roseland, on Monday November 30th.

Now back to my erotic Morrissey Photoshop projects...

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Obesity Epidemic Now Includes Adorable Puppies

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Sep 2, 2009 at 1:31 PM

Jesus. Look at this fat fucking puppy. It's so fat… IT CAN'T GET UP! Get up, you fat fucking puppy! Actually, don't get up. Just roll around on your back until you lose some of that juicy blubber that's keeping you down there in the first place. Then, when you finally do starve yourself down to a reasonable weight, you can get up, and start stuffing your fat fucking puppy face again, you fat fucking puppy. (Stop looking at me like that. You're fucking fat, you fat fucking puppy.)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

And Now a Message from SODAHC (Stupid Obese Dogs Against Health Care)

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Aug 11, 2009 at 2:29 PM

Okay, though the Hillbillies Against Health Care guys are the lowest form of turds on the planet, this video is still pretty amusing. (Until you start to realize the dog was probably beaten every time he heard the name "Barack Obama.")

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

"Please Stop Staring at the Fork in My Head."

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Jul 14, 2009 at 9:55 AM

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"Look… guys… c'mon. I'm gonna be fine, okay? This fork in my brain? It's just a minor setback, that's all. They're going to remove it, I'm going to be as good as new, and there's no reason to make this a 'BIG INTERNET DEAL,' you know what I mean? I would much prefer to be remembered as a super cute puppy on one of those super cute animal sites. So if you could just maybe stop staring at the fork in my head, and maybe just forget you even saw this picture that would be great. Seriously, as soon as I pass the neurological exams, and get the stitches out, I'm going to do something that's so awesomely cute, you won't even remember this insignificant fork incident. Maybe I'll cuddle with a baby tiger! Or climb into a basket of kittens! Maybe I could pose with a baby seal, and… and… C'MON GUYS! STOP STARING AT THE FORK!!!"

Monday, July 6, 2009

"He Bite Me in My Vagina."

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jul 6, 2009 at 3:23 PM

This one has been around for awhile, but worth trotting out for this reminder: Auditions for PIZZAZZ! (The Mercury's all-city talent show) is coming up on SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, and I know many of you are looking for the perfect act that will win you 1000 smackeroos! (Find out more, and enter here!)
See, if I were you, I would memorize and perform this lady dog owner's monologue, which I think should be called "He Bite Me in My Vagina." Like all truly great theater, this has it all: laughter, tears, and a lawyer almost getting his crotch eaten. (Her unforgettable entrance is at the one minute mark.)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Puppies Recreate David Carradine Tragedy

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Jun 9, 2009 at 3:23 PM

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Oh, wait… they're dressed. Never mind.

BUT WHILE I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION… why don't you be a sweetheart, and scoot over to Questionland, where you can ask questions or leave answers on a wide variety of interesting topics? Here are some good questions, just waiting for smart answers from brainy people like yourself.

• How do I get the douches from the bowling alley to stop smoking weed next to my kid's bedroom window?

• Best friend getting married next May. What do we do for her bachelorette party?

• I've decided I don't want to do anything except race go-karts. Where are the best places in or around Portland? (Okay, okay… that was my question.)

• Neat men's fashion retail in Portland, good women's swimsuit shopping. Suggestions needed!

And here's a question that doesn't have anything to do with puppies or David Carradine…

• The Michael Hutchence question: Is it better for people to think you died from autoerotic asphyxiation, or from suicide?

Don't just hang around! (Too soon?) Visit QUESTIONLAND and obtain the knowledge you need today!

Monday, June 8, 2009

For the Love of Puppies

Posted by Rachael the Unpaid News Intern on Mon, Jun 8, 2009 at 5:58 PM

In a happy event for dogs and puppy lovers, the “puppy mill law” successfully made its way through the Oregon senate last Tuesday, June 2, and onto the desk of Governor Ted Kulongoski, who has already said he will sign it. Passing 18-10, most of the opposition was from Republicans, backed by breeders and puppy-haters.

The new law limits breeders to 50 breeding dogs who must be over two years old and mandates that all dogs be given at least one hour’s exercise a day. And they must have enough room to sit, stand, turn, and lie down.

Furthermore, pet stores can no longer rely on customers’ infatuation with the cute and furry to avoid disclosing their breeders. The new law requires pet stores to state where their puppies come from. No more excuses of protecting financial interest — pet stores often say they don’t want customers bypassing their stores and going directly to the breeders simply to avoid disclosing puppy mills as their source, says Matt Rossell of In Defense for Animals.

Rossell was involved in a campaign against Scamps, a pet store chain notorious for its use of puppy mill puppies. Incidentally, it was reported today that Scamps is closing its doors for good.

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Puppy eyes make me cry. Photo via Oregon Humane Society.

Puppy-lover extraordinaire Scott Beckstead of the Humane Society of the United States tells the Mercury this new law “won’t have any effect on the future of responsible breeding….This is really addressed at large-scale operations where dogs are treated as a cash-crop, not a companion animal.”

Puppy mills are large-scale breeding facilities infamous for their inhumane treatment dogs, which often includes stacked cages with wire bottoms, zero medical treatment, no human contact, and forcible breeding cycle after cycle.

To avoid getting a puppy mill dog, HSUS recommends considering adoption and says to avoid pet stores, most of which do sell puppy mill puppies, despite their claims otherwise. For those who really do want to get their dog from a breeder, HSUS offers tips on how find a responsible one.

-Rachael Marcus

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Talking Jesus Doll vs. Insane Athiest Puppy… WHO YA GOT?!?

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Apr 16, 2009 at 4:05 PM

I got an Easter basket full of flack for my recent I Love Television™ column in which I merely made the suggestion that Jesus should back the eff off of Easter, and get his own holiday. Oh, wait… he already has one, and it's called CHRISTMAS.
I'm sorry, but two holidays is just WAAAY too much attention for one person (I don't care WHO he is), and apparently the puppy in the video below agrees with me.

Bless you, Videogum.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Pug Falls in Toilet—Hilarity Ensues!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Apr 8, 2009 at 3:58 PM

Is this as funny as the guy in the background thinks it is? My vote is "yes."

Humor trumps cruelty.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Dog vs. Elephant: Who Ya Got?!

Posted by Patrick Alan Coleman on Tue, Mar 24, 2009 at 2:18 PM

HA! Fooled you! You see, life isn't about competition, it's about building strong interpersonal relationships. It's about taking someone's trunk in your fuzzy white paw, looking into their eyes, and barking softly, "You're cool with me, man."

If these two can do it... (sniff, sniff)... Then why can't we? Why can't we?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Urban Farm Store; or, OMG BABY CHICKENS!!

Posted by Alison Hallett on Tue, Mar 17, 2009 at 9:30 AM

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When I was a kid, I made extra cash every year selling baby guinea pigs to the local feed store (to be purchased by nice families who would love them and care for them and change the sawdust in their cages every day and give them lots of carrots and broccoli florets and most certainly would NOT feed them to snakes. WHAT.)

Upon wandering into the Urban Farm Store on Southeast Morrison over the weekend, I was immediately struck by how similar it was to the feed store we went to when I was younger, albeit selling organic dog food instead of the kind made with, you know, decaying horse hearts and kitten fetuses. It's a very practical store, not boutiquey at all, stocked with bags of wild bird seed, chicken scratch, kitty litter, cat and dog food, organic garden seeds, and an edible plant nursery outside. And in the back? TINY BABY CHICKENS. They've got a few bins of chicks which have been selling like mad, according to Robert, the store's owner (when I asked him where they come from, he said he orders them by mail and they arrive in "cheeping boxes" at the post office).

Future plans for the store include selling full-grown chickens, beekeeping supplies, and rabbits (for petting and loving and cuddling. Certainly not for eating. WHAT.). Oh, and goat feed: Apparently people are into raising and slaughtering their own goats these days? This I did not know. They also offer free chicken keeping classes, for all you aspiring urban farmers out there. (Robert was super helpful, too, even before I disclosed that I'm a media spy; when I asked if they sold cat treats, he said "not yet," but ran to get me a cat food sample. It's definitely a place I'd feel comfortable asking for help and advice.)

This store is great. And of course, business has been booming, because this is a brilliant idea at absolutely the right cultural moment. Check it out for yourself: 1925 SE Morrison, 234-7733, or visit their very comprehensive website, which even has a schedule of when new chicks will be arriving.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

No Pets at South Park Blocks Farmers Markets

Posted by Patrick Alan Coleman on Tue, Mar 10, 2009 at 10:12 AM

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"Wherever shall we find fresh arugula, Sharak?"

In less than two weeks, spring will officially begin. Coinciding with the vernal equinox on March 21st is the opening of Portland’s Saturday farmers market in the PSU park blocks. The opening of the market will see a selection of early spring veggies, hordes of shoppers, and a surprising lack of animals.

This year the folks from Portland Farmers Market have decided to make a new “No Pets” rule (specifically, "no dogs") for their two busiest locations, both in the South Park Blocks. Organizers say tight spaces in the market, combined with dumb, curious, fuzzy beasts, and a tangle of leashes, have lead to the new policy change.

Personally, I’m excited about this. It’s become increasingly difficult to navigate the Saturday farmers market stalls with the plague of labs in fleece cozies. It seems there’s always a jam as some oblivious dog owner chats with an acquaintance while their mutt sniffs at a table of fresh bread, creating a taught leash trip wire.

You’d think that dog owners would have enough sense about this kind of thing—and I’m sure some do—but all it takes is a few thoughtless people to force someone to make a rule. Still, the market will be better for it. I suspect that things will move much more smoothly among the stalls.

But I’m curious to know what dog owners think of the change. Are there any Blogtownies who are particularly apoplectic about this? And just for the record, the rule applies to all pets. So don’t think you can sneak in your pet iguana Scaly Taylor-Taylor. That goes double for your pet eagle and your ferrets. Basically, Beastmaster, just stay the hell out of the market.

For those who absolutely must take Admiral Furry Bottom to the farmers market, rest assured that your four legged pal will be admitted to all other markets outside of the South Park Blocks. This is especially exciting for those of you who live in Northeast Portland! A new farmers market will be making its appearance at NE 7th and Wygant on May 3rd.

Now, if only they could open a bloody mary stall at the Saturday farmers market and ban all the snot nosed children; then, it would be practically paradise.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

National Grammar (Puppy) Day!

Posted by Courtney Ferguson on Wed, Mar 4, 2009 at 1:07 PM

In honor of National Grammar Day, cute li'l Grammar Puppy makes a triumphant return.

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"Forsooth! At present time, I am in your computer, eating your kibble and alphabets."

Thanks to Ezra for the artwork!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Happy Birthday Olive!

Posted by Ezra Caraeff on Tue, Mar 3, 2009 at 11:37 AM

In honor Pugsday (eh, that was a reach), back-to-back Pug posts.
(Sorry, lonely cat people, you'll have to wait until Friday for your revenge.)

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Happy Birthday wishes go out to the Official Mercury Dog, Olive, who turns five years old today. May you have five more years of knocking over trashcans and barking at the creepy people who stop by the office.

Splinter Doesn't Want His Ear Medicine

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Mar 3, 2009 at 11:00 AM

"Splinter" is perhaps the most aptly named pug in the history of the universe… and just in case you're wondering—HE REALLY FUCKING HATES TAKING HIS EAR MEDICINE.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

This Is Probably Not Worthy of its Own Blog Post.

Posted by Alison Hallett on Tue, Feb 10, 2009 at 2:00 PM

But, as Mercury freelancer Rob Simonsen put it when he sent me the link, "the fact that there is no 'Hamster on a Piano' in my life anymore basically makes me want to die."

The internet is ruined.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Lloyd Center Security Ops Manual Forbids Physical Force

Posted by Matt Davis on Mon, Feb 9, 2009 at 4:25 PM

Still waiting for a call back from Lloyd Center security manager Mark Hanson on Saturday's pounding of a puppy protester—and we're not holding our breath—the Mercury has been doing some independent investigation into the center's security policies. The Lloyd Center is owned by Ohio-based Glimcher Realty Trust, and security there is provided by a GRT subsidiary, the Glimcher Properties Corporation, through one of its subsidiaries (yes, there are a lot of subsidiaries), Ohio Retail Security, LLC (ORS).

So: It turns out that security guards working for Ohio Retail Security, LLC, are expressly forbidden from using physical force to control problematic situations in the mall. Here's page 4 of the ORS operations manual, a copy of which was obtained by the Mercury today.
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MANUAL: Forbids force...

Page 9 of the manual cautions mall security guards even further against using physical force:
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MANUAL: Security Officer, not police officer...

Page 10 explicitly forbids detaining suspects or using force against them:
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MANUAL: Says physical force is forbidden except when attacked...

Page 12, meanwhile, says that security officers breaking these policies may be held personally liable, and not be afforded legal defense by ORS:
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MANUAL: It's your fault, not ours...

The question is: Whether Lloyd Center security management has been encouraging a policy of "arresting" subjects over the last three years. Anecdotally, the Mercury is hearing that the Lloyd Center security staff have indeed been encouraged to "arrest" problem subjects at the mall since Hanson was bought in as security manager, in response to the mall developing a problem reputation. That means whatever policies and procedures are officially in place, it's possible that in practice, management was encouraging security guards to be more heavy-handed. In which case, liability may well fall on ORS. But as I mentioned, Lloyd Center Security Manager Mark Hanson is yet to return a call for comment. I've haphazardly scanned in the first 12 pages of the ORS operations manual after the jump, in case any attorneys/liability wonks are interested. In the context of the Youtube of what actually happened, it makes for pretty hilarious reading.

Continue reading »

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Lloyd Center Security Gets Heavy

Posted by Matt Davis on Sun, Feb 8, 2009 at 7:48 PM

Original post, 12:40pm:

Video emerged today on the Food Fight! blog of an incident alleged to have happened outside the Scamps pet store in the Lloyd Center yesterday. From Food Fight:

"The Radical Cheerleaders for Animal Rights performed today in front of Scamps store inside Lloyd Center Mall to bring attention to scamps history of selling puppies from puppy mills. After "the performance, an activist is aggressively detained by mall security resulting in angry shoppers expressing their disgust with the security guards. "

The video, which we've clipped to focus on the alleged incident, shows a security guard in conversation with an activist who strongly resembles Matt Rossell from Portland's In Defense of Animals—although it should be made clear that Rossell is yet to return a call seeking confirmation on whether the man in the video is him, so it could well be another person. The man is taken to the ground by two Lloyd Center security guards, and then hauled off in restraints.


INCIDENT: Excessive force?

Lloyd Center security manager Mark Hansen is yet to return a call seeking comment.

Update, 5:03pm: According to jail records, Rossell was indeed arrested yesterday for disorderly conduct and trespass in the second degree.
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ROSSELL: Focuses on 'outreach and education' in his activism...

Update, 7:38 pm. Rossell speaks:

"This was an education and outreach opportunity for the radical cheerleaders," says Rossell. "They wanted to try out a new cheer. But the mall security have been a little out of control. I did nothing more than just talk to customers, or even just people at the mall, people standing there by the puppy, I was having a conversation with them."

"Actually the first time that this happened, it was because the person who was bottom-lining the demo didn't bring signs, so we decided to walk inside the mall, and KGW did an investigative report on Scamps earlier that week, interviewing some families who were devastated by buying sick or genetically defective puppies there. There's a huge long history that we have with Scamps including whistle blowers, puppies dropping like flies, and their having this reputation of selling puppy mill puppies," Rossell alleges.

"I was just standing there talking to people in the mall saying did you see the recent KGW story, and the security guard came up to me saying I can't protest, and I said I'm not protesting, but I left very quickly and complied. Another time I was outside at a protest, and I walk through the mall with my two-year old, because it was cold, and the security guards, apparently, had identified me, because they were following. And the one security guard who tackled me, in particular, seemed to have a problem with me, and so I had my daughter on my shoulders, and I went up to the window, and I said, literally, 'hey, look at that puppy mill puppy in the window,' and that one guard in particular just jumped out of nowhere and yelled 'you need to leave the mall!'. So this one guy has been super-aggressive."

"This time, I said, do you realize that Scamps sells puppy mill puppies?" Rossell continues. "And then I walked over to where my wife and daughter were, and then that supervisor came up to me and said 'we're going to arrest you,' and he never asked me to leave or gave me an opportunity to leave, he said we excluded you, we told you that if you ever came back here again you'd be arrested, and I said, you never said any such thing at all, he didn't give me an opportunity to leave, and the next thing I know I'm being tackled."

"And I get wrestled to the ground, my back is still hurting from it, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, but the most upsetting thing to me was the fact that my daughter witnessed the whole thing, because she was just traumatized. I fully expected the security to behave the way they had before. If they wanted to exclude me, they had every opportunity to put it in writing. They're now saying that I was excluded verbally. But I would have very long conversations with the security at the protests in the past, very civil conversations, and they had every opportunity to write out an exclusion if they wanted to, and I certainly would have obeyed it if they had. But I would never have invited my daughter into a situation where I felt I was risking arrest, I certainly don't feel I deserved to be treated that way, and I'm going to challenge it in court."

"There are situations where activists choose to get arrested," he says. "But this wasn't one of them."

"The police officer who took me down to the situation was totally sympathetic with me," Rossell continues. "When I got down to the sheriff's office, I said I wanted to see the nurse because my back was in pain, and the officer said I didn't shoplift, and at the end of that conversation, the cop was like, 'I think I'm kind of on this guy's side,'," says Rossell. "He was a really nice guy and I thanked him, and said, you know, it's security guards like that who need role models like you, because you act so professionally."

"I've spent some of my life as a security guard," Rossell continues. "And I know what it's like to be a security guard, and I know that there are types of security like this guy who are in it for the wrong reasons and have a chip on their shoulder, and he definitely has a chip on his shoulder for me, because he made it pretty clear that he didn't like me, when we were out of sight of the cameras."

Rossell feels the security guard who tackled him should be fired.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

OUTRAGE!!! Whiplash is NOT Coming to Portland!

Posted by Ned Lannamann on Thu, Jan 29, 2009 at 4:15 PM

You can't imagine how delighted I was to read the press release that arrived today:

World’s Toughest Rodeo Presents ‘Toughest Cowboy’
at the Rose Garden March 14

Hang onto your cowboy hats, Portland! The World’s Toughest Rodeo® 2009 National Tour is coming to the Rose Garden on Saturday, March 14th. Watch true-grit cowboys compete in spectacular tests of skill and endurance that will electrify and astound the whole family.
But as I scanned the rest of the press release, I quickly became dismayed. There was talk of bronc riding, women's barrel racing, and a post-event concert by Whiskey Falls... But NO mention of Whiplash.
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I was alerted to Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey's participation in the World's Toughest Rodeo Tour by a post today on Metafilter; in fact, the city of St. Paul, MI is knighting him at tonight's rodeo. (Yeah. Knighting.)

But a look at Whiplash's upcoming itinerary has no mention of him joining the Portland date of the World's Toughest Rodeo. Is he abandoning the tour? His itinerary shows him in Austin, Texas on March 14. This is an absolute outrage! In fact, I propose nothing short of demanding that Whiplash come to Portland!

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However, there is no need to act rashly out of knee-jerk emotion. Yes, tempers are hot around here. So, while I suspect I am not alone in this position, it might be wise to take a moment and conduct a poll to get a sense of how Blogtowners stand on this very important issue.

Should Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey Come to Portland?

Vote carefully, but before you do, watch this:

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"Oh, God..."

Posted by Matt Davis on Wed, Jan 28, 2009 at 6:07 PM

That's what I said, when I read this story. Eugh.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Today in Animal Abuse

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Dec 19, 2008 at 3:00 PM

In which a dog is forced to imitate Beyonce's "Single Ladies" dance routine.


Hey… if you liked it, then you should'a put a bone on it.

Most Popular I, Anonymous Best of the Merc

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