This Week in the Mercury
Puppy
Monday, January 16, 2012
$$$ / Puppy / Video Ding
Posted by Erik Henriksen on Mon, Jan 16, 2012 at 2:55 PM
This is an ad for Hill's Garbage Service in Hendersonville, North Carolina, made by Rhett and Link. I have watched it three times in the past 10 minutes.
Thanks to Katie for the heads up!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Puppy / Mercury The Wisest, Most Right-est Thing I Wrote in 2011
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Dec 26, 2011 at 1:29 PM
Historically, now is the time when you look back over the past year, think about what you've accomplished, and realize that you will never say anything more true or "right" than what I wrote in my July 28th I Love Television™ column about "weenie dogs."
Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it's usually because they're starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people's ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person's ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!
Top that in 2012. You won't be able to. Read more of my wisest quotes of the year here.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Puppy Human Baby vs. Yorkie Puppy: ON WHOM DO YOU WAGER??
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Dec 13, 2011 at 11:14 AM
In the following video that is so cute I had to double up my diabetes medication, a Yorkie puppy mauls a human baby... with LOVE!!!!
Fuck everything. I'm going to kill myself.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Puppy / Cats Crittering Up The Holidays
Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Wed, Nov 23, 2011 at 4:10 PM
There are almost as many opportunities to contribute to charities as there are incentives to shop right now, but if you, like me, have a special soft spot for rescue animals, there are (at least) two programs for you to consider.
1) A Bowlful of Heart is collecting donations for Hopes Haven and Newberg Animal Shelter. The wish list includes "dog food, small bites dog food, kitten food, cat litter (non-clumping), paper towels, bark mulch and cedar chips, bleach & Lysol for cleaning, monetary donations to help with spay, neuter, and other medical needs." Beginning Friday and running through December 22, you can drop off your donation at a number of area businesses (listed here), or email them to arrange pick-up drop-off.
2) Yesterday's shitstorm of rain combined with a leaky roof destroyed thousands of dollars worth of pet kibble at The Pongo Pet Food Bank, which other social services (Oregon Food Bank, Salvation Army, and Union Gospel Mission, to name a few) rely on to help their hungry clients' hungry pets get fed too. Pongo gets a big discount on their bulk purchases, so cash donations to help make up the deficit are the most effective. Just click the "donate now" button on their home page.
- Hopes Haven
- Noodles the senior Italian Greyhound/Chihuahua at Hopes Haven
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Friday, November 4, 2011
Puppy / Cats Pixie Project's Expansion
Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Fri, Nov 4, 2011 at 3:29 PM
Good news on the animal front: Portland's own Pixie Project is undergoing a huge expansion in the coming year, growing to three times its current size with a new goal to rescue and re-home over 1,000 pets per year to match, plus expansions in their educational programs, work with pets of homeless youth, low cost spay/neutering, and more. It's an awesome program to support for the sheer joy their cattery brings to passersby alone. Tomorrow presents a special opportunity to do just that with their second benefit dinner and auction happening at the Left Bank Annex (101 N Weidler) at 6 pm. A $75 ticket ($35 of which is tax deductible) will get you the hookup on food and drink, but you can also bid on myriad auction items and go the extra mile. This face is totally worth it:
- Pixie Project
Tickets here!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Geek / Puppy Behold a Corgi Dressed Up As a Spaceship That Is Shaped Like a Horse
Posted by Erik Henriksen on Wed, Nov 2, 2011 at 9:59 AM
Monday, October 31, 2011
Geek / Puppy "The 11th Dogtor" Is King of All Dogs and Time Lords
Posted by Erik Henriksen on Mon, Oct 31, 2011 at 9:44 AM
In general, I have a furious dislike for dogs who have been put into people clothing. I have made an exception in this case.
Pudge derPoopster, via FilmDrunk.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Horrors / Puppy Here's Your Dog's Halloween Costume: "Tank Dog"
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Oct 24, 2011 at 10:14 AM
I vote we send at least 300 of these "Tank Dogs" overseas... show those foreigners what AMERICA is all about!
And if you loved that, please do not miss "Tank Dog's" weapons test.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Puppy / Mercury Elect a New Office Pug: Not a Pug
Posted by Melanie "The Intern" Johnson on Thu, Oct 13, 2011 at 9:59 AM
Now that Ezra has taken Olive the Pug and fled for greener pastures, you may have noticed Wm. Steven Humphrey lobbying for a new office pug — and, you know, that's fine! Pugs are good and lovely, if you like undersized asthmatic R.O.U.S.es (and I do!), but I think this pug election is really about change. Olive is gone, and she's never coming back (unless she does, in which case: welcome back, Olive!), and I think it's about time the Mercury got a new furry mascot.
You know.
A dog with life experience.
A dog that doesn't know when to back down.
A dog that has seen a lot.
- petfinder.org
- "Say hi to your mother for me."
And, friends, I believe Rudy is that dog.
I mean, look at him! He's described as being a "champion cuddler" (but not elitist!), "good with kitties, although (he) may chase them a little itty bit first" (tough on cat crime!), and "fixed, vaccinated, and microchipped" (not a public health hazard!).
So what do you say, Blogtown? Should we as an office adopt Rudy the One-Eyed Badass Chihuahua Mix?
* and I pose this question without having received any support or approval from the people who don't pay my salary here
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Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Puppy / Mercury Elect a New Office Pug: "Piano Pug"
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Oct 12, 2011 at 11:14 AM
While I was very upset about the departure of music editor Ezra Caraeff, as you may suspect, I was a little less upset about the departure of his pug Olive. Unfortunately, the staff has threatened an "Occupy Sit Around Reading Magazines" strike unless the office gets a new pug. (Apparently they haven't gotten the memo that both pugs and corgis are stupid and passe.)
BUT FUCKING FINE, WHATEVER!!! Let's just get another goddamn useless pug up in here so we can get back to work, okay?? That's why I'm holding elections for the new Mercury pug, and here's the first candidate: "Piano Pug." After watching this video, you will be asked to vote and give a thumbs "up" or "down" to indicate whether this dog should go on to the Mercury Pug Finals. (I can tell you right now, this goddamn pug is getting a HUGE thumbs "down" from me! He has absolutely ZERO musical talent, dresses like shit, and then collapses in a fit of laziness at the end. Fuck this pug.)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Puppy / Transportation BREAKING: Mango the Dog is Such a Total Asshole
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Sep 27, 2011 at 11:14 AM
Yesterday at around 4:30 pm, a Pomeranian dog named "Mango" got off her leash and started running down the middle of I-84. What follows is why this story is "hilarinfuriating."
HILARIOUS!! A dog running down the middle of the interstate bringing traffic to a complete stop!
INFURIATING!! A dog running down the middle of the interstate bringing traffic to a complete stop!
HILARIOUS!! KOIN-6 deeming this as "Breaking News."
INFURIATING!! KOIN-6 deeming this as "Breaking News." (Can we just all agree they're the worst?)
HILARIOUS!! The dog makes every person involved look like a complete asshole.
INFURIATING!! The dog makes every person involved look like a complete asshole. (Including me, for calling this dog an asshole. But c'mon!! MANGO IS SUCH A TOTAL ASSHOLE!)
Courtesy KOIN Local 6 News
Monday, August 29, 2011
Puppy Puppy Prom!
Posted by Courtney Ferguson on Mon, Aug 29, 2011 at 2:44 PM
CUTE ALERT!
Get thee down to Pioneer Courthouse Square on Wednesday for a bona fide puppy hootenanny. It's something called the Puppy Prom, where dogs of all ilk will be dressed in their best outfits and most elaborate hairdos! A king and queen of canine will be crowned. It's all brought to you with some amount of ridiculousness by Paul Frank (more deets here, if you really care), but I think an outlandish number of frolicking puppies is all you really give two barks about, right?
Wednesday, August 31
Pioneer Courthouse Square
noon-4 pm
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Puppy HOLY SHIT: This Dog Will Be in Portland Tomorrow
Posted by Ned Lannamann on Thu, Aug 4, 2011 at 11:44 AM
Tillman the Skateboarding Dog (I repeat: SKATEBOARDING DOG!!!!) comes to Portland tomorrow. That is correct: This skateboarding bulldog—"the world's fastest skateboarding dog" according to the press release—will be in your city tomorrow. Call in sick, tell the family you're abandoning them, do WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO, because Tillman the Motherfucking Skateboarding Bulldog will be in town Friday, August 5. Here's where and when he'll be in the area:
Friday, August 5th from NOON to 4:00 PMTillman the Skateboarding Dog ALSO knows how to snowboard and surf. I will say that again: Tillman the Skateboarding Dog also knows how to snowboard and surf. (Is any of this getting through to you?) Here's some more footage of Tillman the Skateboarding Dog in action.
Western Pet Supply 6908 SW Beaverton Hillsdale, Portland, OR 97225
Saturday, August 6th from 10:00 AM to 2:00 PM
Guide Dogs for the Blind "Fun Day",
32901 SE Kelso Rd., Boring, Oregon 97007
Sunday, August 7th from NOON to 4:00 PM
Animal House - 358 Warner Milne Rd. #111, Oregon City, OR 97045
You're fucking welcome.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Horrors / Puppy My Bark Will Go On
Posted by David Schmader on Mon, Jul 25, 2011 at 10:14 AM
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Thursday, July 14, 2011
Puppy / Fashion / Events Lipstick for Dogs
Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Thu, Jul 14, 2011 at 12:29 PM
I know, the Portland summer's still trying to find its sea legs, and you haven't had the opportunity to tire of the breezy bohemian look and you have many more endearing freckle patches to develop. However! There's an upcoming event combining makeovers and consultations for not only cosmetics but also skincare and nutrition, and it's a fundraiser for the Oregon Humane Society. There may even be adoptable dogs on the premises, so be ready to resist/succumb to the temptations of cuteness as appropriate. More info on MOD, and while I realize the event's title is kind of sticking its neck out for gross jokes, please attempt to keep your comments PG-rated for those of us who prefer not to puke before teatime.
- Cute Overload
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Puppy / Fashion Puppylocks
Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Tue, Jun 7, 2011 at 2:14 PM
I realize that due to exploding demands brought on by the feather earring trend, things have become difficult for the fishing community. Indeed prices on the feathers used for fishing flies have doubled according to the Mercury's resident fishing enthusiast, reporting that "the guys at the fly shops say that girls come in and literally fight over them. They saw a girl shove another girl a few weeks ago coming in the door." And that is just... horrible, truly, but still—I think we should give one more feather trend a pass, and it can be the last one, I promise:
A couple more Puppylocks glamour shots after the break, and of course even more here.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Puppy / Music Portugal. The Man Gets Mush-y in Their New Video
Posted by Ned Lannamann on Mon, Jun 6, 2011 at 1:24 PM
Here's the striking new video for the new song from Portugal. The Man. Actually, it's a video for two songs: "Sleep Forever" and "Got it All (This Can't Be Living Now)." Directed by Michael Ragen, the clip was shot in frontman John Gourley's home turf of Alaska in negative 25-50 degree temperature during the incredibly short days of December. That's Gourley riding the dogsled; his father and brother worked as sled wranglers, and dogsledding has always been a part of Gourley's family.
It's a pretty spectacular video, but keep watching for the video's second half: what happens when Gourley loses his team? (A hint: it looks really, really cold.) Portugal. The Man's Atlantic Records debut In the Mountain in the Cloud comes out July 19.
End Hits: Mush!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Puppy Stupid, Stupid Beagle: Catch the Ball, You Stupid Beagle!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, May 17, 2011 at 2:59 PM
Let it now and for evermore be known that PUGS ARE STUPID, CORGIS ARE STUPID, AND BEAGLES ARE STUPID, TOO. Check out this stupid, stupid beagle for example, who is so goddamn stupid, it takes him like 20 tries to catch a ball! (To make matters worse, this is a JAPANESE beagle, who are supposed to be so much smarter than American beagles, right? What happened, Japan?? You're slipping.)
Monday, May 9, 2011
Puppy Stupid, Stupid Dog: Even the Talking Ones Are Stupid
Posted by Ned Lannamann on Mon, May 9, 2011 at 10:44 AM
This is the conversational version of the "Fake Throw." The dog falls for it every time.
Okay, I feel a little bad for the dog. Also, I could go for some maple bacon right now.
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Friday, May 6, 2011
Puppy Stupid, Stupid Dog: Put Down the Stick, Stupid!!
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, May 6, 2011 at 10:14 AM
LOOK! I know I'm preaching to the choir here! But... but it's just that... GAH!!! DOGS ARE SO FUCKING STUPID!!
I'll shut up now.
Puppy Stupid, Stupid Dog: Playing Fetch... with a Statue.
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, May 6, 2011 at 9:44 AM
I don't even know why I'm writing this blog post. DOGS ARE FUCKING STUPID—this truth we hold to be self-evident. They are easily fooled by the fake throw, they freak out when an ambulance passes by, and they eat garbage as well as their own poop. In other words, you don't need any further convincing that dogs are just about as stupid as a jar full of gravel. HOWEVER! For those who do? There's this.
Stupid fucking dog.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Oh, You Kids! / Puppy Stupid, Stupid Baby: Stupid Lazy Baby Can't Help a Puppy Out?
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, May 2, 2011 at 3:28 PM
Here I was feeling all hopeful and shit, now that the youth of today won't have to deal with Osama bin Laden. But I forgot they'll still have to deal with their own stupidity! Check out this fucking lazy stupid baby, just lying there as a puppy valiantly tries to join her on the bed. THAT DOG IS WORKING IT'S ASS OFF, DINGALING! And all YOU can do is lie there and shit your pants? FUCK YOU, YOU LAZY STUPID BABY!!
Hat tips to Blogtown Tipper Cory (who actually thinks the dog is pretty stupid, too).
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Puppy / Cats / Drunk The Finest Baby Goat-Themed Electro Dance Music Video of the Week. (Month? Year?)
Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Wed, Apr 27, 2011 at 10:15 AM
The internet moves pretty fast and all, but I'd say this is probably about the best baby goat electronic music video tribute I've seen in about a week or so. Chances are high that it will get topped later today, though, so check it out during the slim several hours in which it will be relevant. This had only 32 views on YouTube at the time of this posting, so you know—on the cusp.:
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Oh, You Kids! / Puppy Stupid, Stupid Baby: "Stop Laughing at Me, You Stupid Baby!!"
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Apr 20, 2011 at 2:57 PM
For some reason, today the internet is all about dog degradation. And in this episode of "Stupid, Stupid Baby," an obviously brain damaged infant can't stop laughing and laughing and laughing at—NOT "WITH" MIND YOU—AT the family dog who is only... ohhhh, I don't know... TRYING TO SAVE YOUR STUPID UNWORTHY LIFE, YOU STUPID FUCKING BABY!!!
(P.S. The argument could be made that bubbles can't actually kill a baby... but neither the baby or the dog know that!!)
Goddammit. Stupid, stupid baby. (And poor degraded doggie.)
Puppy / Ethics How Can We Degrade Our Dog Today?: A Play in One Act
Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Apr 20, 2011 at 10:13 AM
Her: Good morning, honey. Have you been thinking of a new way to degrade the dog today?
Him: Why, I certainly have! Let's dress him in underpants.
Her: Not bad, not bad... but let's flesh that idea out a little. How about we dress him in underpants, AND make him stand on a hay bale for two-and-a-half minutes?
Him: LOVE IT. Wait... wait... I'm getting an idea... how about we make him stand on a hay bale for two-and-a-half minutes, dress him in underpants, AND strap two baby bottles to him soooooo...
Him & Her: THE GOATS CAN SUCK ON THE BABY BOTTLES!!
Her: I love it!
Him: I love you!
Dog: Fuck you both, SO MUCH.
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