Crooks and Liars says that self-identified "believer in Christ" Michele Bachmann wants to keep fighting Obamacare. Why? For the children, of course!

"The American people, especially vulnerable women, vulnerable children, vulnerable senior citizens, now get to pay more and get less," Bachmann opined. "That's why we're here because we're saying let's repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens!"

"Let's not do that!" she exclaimed. "Let's love people, let's care about people. Let's repeal it now while we can."

Bullshit. Bullshit on this woman who loves to take from the poor to give to the rich. Bullshit on her for fighting as hard as she can to keep life-saving vaccinations with junk science and fear-mongering. Bullshit on the way she poorly cloaks her efforts to make more money for health insurers in her love of humanity. Just, bullshit.

Hate to spoil the new pope's coming-out party—and it was such a lovely party—but there's this:

The Catholic Diocese of Joliet will release as part of a lawsuit settlement more than 7,000 internal documents that reportedly show every bishop since the 1950s has been aware of diocese priests sexually abusing children. The documents include personnel files and other items related to 15 diocese priests accused of sexual abuse over a 50-year period ending in the 1990s. They will be released by plaintiff David Rudofski through his Chicago lawyer, Terrence Johnson, as part of his settlement with the diocese. Rudofski was 8 years old and making his first confession at St. Mary's Church in Mokena when he was sexually molested by the Rev. James Burnett in the 1980s.

Rape a kid making his first confession—holy shit, that'll fuck a Catholic kid up for life. And you gotta love how certain the writer is that all of this sexual-abuse-of-children-by-Catholic-priests stuff ended in the 1990s. How can we know that for sure? How do you prove that particular negative? And here's a detail for all you non-Catholics out there: Catholic children make their first first confession at age seven—and they're alone with a priest, in dark little box, when they make it. When I was a Catholic kid we went to confession on a weekly basis. So one rapey parish priest could have access to dozens or hundreds of children, completely alone and with no parents present, week-in, week-out, for decades. Access to children alone—that's built right into this particular sacrament.

But, hey, the new pope used to ride the bus to work. So it's basically a wash, right?

And again: if children got raped at Denny's as often as they get raped in church...

• Heavy is the head that wears the funny hat.

Even the Catholics I know (and I know a lot. My whole family is Catholic, although I was never confirmed, meaning I remain only a Catholic rumor) aren't particularly excited about the Beef Pope.

It's not his fault. No pope would have been exciting enough. Even if he was chosen from the St. Louis Cardinals, even if he took a shit in the woods, even if we somehow reincarnated Knut the polar bear and gave him a pope hat, he would still be boring after a couple days. Okay, all three of those would be pretty good. But any actual pope was bound to disappoint because popedom just isn't as exciting as the idea of popedom.

The last pope was even boring on Twitter and he was a Nazi. If Nazi + Twitter can't keep the general public's interest, it's time to give up.

On the other hand, not having a pope was super fun. All the pomp and nonsense of a gathering of befunnyhatted gentlemen was great TV. Secret societies are fun. Smoke signals, it turns out, are super fun. And for the Catholic church, this was some of the least negative press coverage they've gotten in the last decade. DRAW IT OUT A LITTLE, CATHOLICS! Give us at least a week of black smoke and pope memes.

But alas, just like the Royal Wedding, the show is over and now it's time to not care about the pope again until he has a baby. So never.

The last time I was stressed, exhausted, and depressed, I didn't fuck a sixteen-year-old who came to me seeking advice. I took a vacation. But then I'm not a bible-humping, family-values-espousing, gay-bashing pastor of some shitty megachurch.

Once again: if kids got raped at Denny's as often as they get raped in churches—if kids got raped at Denny's half as often as they get raped in churches—people would call CPS on parents foolish or reckless enough to take their kids to Denny's. It would be illegal to take your kids to Denny's.

The cardinals of the Catholic Church have elected Argentina's Jorge Mario Bergoglio, the past archbishop of Buenos Aires, making him the first Latin American pope. He wants to go by Pope Francis, but he shall be known to us as Beef Pope the First.

The National Catholic Reporter's recent profile on The Beef Pope confirms that he's just as much a homophobic, anti-woman, and hateful bigot as the last pope:

Bergoglio is seen an unwaveringly orthodox on matters of sexual morality, staunchly opposing abortion, same-sex marriage, and contraception. In 2010 he asserted that gay adoption is a form of discrimination against children, earning a public rebuke from Argentina's President, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner.

This recent report says the Beef Pope would have tolerated same-sex marriage, except gay people can't be decent parents:

Buenos Aires Archbishop Jorge Bergoglio would have accepted homosexual marriage as long as it did not allow adoption, according to sources close to the Argentine cardinal. Marino said that allowing of adoption by homosexual couples “is denying scientific evidence and denying the child the right to grow up and develop psychologically and sexually, which requires the presence of a masculine and feminine” influence."

But the Guardian adds that he fought gay marriage aggressively:

He was a fierce opponent of Argentina's decision to legalise gay marriage in 2010, arguing children need to have the right to be raised and educated by a father and a mother. He was created a cardinal by John Paul II on 21 February 2001.

Every child requires a mother and a father—and an anti-contraception pontiff stuck in the Middle Ages. But you'd never know it from the fawning coverage of the liberal media. They can't stop gushing about his "smile" and his "warmth," but they're saying nothing about the divisive politics of a man who is now one of the world's most powerful—and more conservative—politicians.

After Pope Ratzi, I suppose nothing about the next Pope could be too shocking. But this comes close!

If the papal conclave were set up like college basketball's March Madness, Cardinal Angelo Scola would have been the overall No. 1 seed — perhaps until today. He is the archbishop of Milan and has long been seen as a safe pick for the next pope, having won favor among American cardinals and a handful of influential European ones. So what stands in his way? Well, there's that pesky anti-mafia investigation he has to deal with.

Go read the whole thing at the Atlantic. On the bright side, maybe a Pope with mafia ties would seem downright quaint when compared to the church's systematic coverups of sexual abuse and the hypocrisy of throwing gay orgies and then making life hell for gay people around the world. What's a little embezzlement next to that?

Wanna help pick the next pope? Good news!

You now have the opportunity to actively be part of this providential endeavour by having a Cardinal assigned to you, who you will support through your prayer and intercession during the coming weeks before and during the conclave and for three days following the election.

Here's what you do: you go to www.adoptacardinal.org, you enter your name, your enter your email address, you enter the security code provided, you click "adopt." A second later an email pops up in your box with your cardinal's name, birthdate, and job description. Here's my cardinal:

Dear Dan Savage,

Congratulations!

You have adopted this Cardinal: Antonio Cañizares Llovera, from Spain, born 1945-10-15. He's been a Cardinal since 2006-3-24 and his function is: Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments. May the prayer for your Cardinal be deeply blessed.

The team behind www.adoptacardinal.org

But here's the best part: you don't have to enter your own name or your own email address. I've been adopting cardinals for my friends all morning. Surprise your friends by adopting cardinals for them! (Via Catholic blogger and anti-gay bigot Suzanne Fortin.)

Hot tipper Amy* sent this pic to our mailbox, depicting a billboard currently hanging on the east side of the Burnside Bridge.

Now I've done a lot of theater, but have never been to an "audtion"—so naturally I was intrigued, and immediately went to the AMTC (Actors Models and Talent for Christ) website where I read the following:

Founded in 1982, Actors Models and Talent for Christ is a ministry, a mission and a movement that provides aspiring performers with professional direction, industry introductions, and spiritual preparation so they can shine for Christ in the entertainment industry.

And...

Against a dark backdrop, light is revealed. His performers stand strongly for Jesus as positive role models in a world that desperately seeks them. They enter Stage Right onto the sets of Hollywood. They stand in for the King.

And...

Through God, AMTC polishes His future stars and launches them into important roles in film, fashion, music, and theater.

Hmmm... does this mean I'll have to give God a 10 percent "agent fee" in addition to the 10 percent I'm already supposed to tithe? OH, WELL! Anything to be a STAR!!

"Audtions" will be held at the Oregon Convention Center on Saturday, March 2—so what are you waiting for? Register to "audtion" today! (Yeah, actually the "audtion" takes place in March, rather than "this month" which is what the billboard says... but when you're a Christian, what's a couple of factual inaccuracies when the Bible is chock full of 'em?)

*Thanks, Amy!

Writer Alan de Botton just released a list of Ten Commandments for Atheists, which is a flashy title for what boils down to a non-religiously based list of ways to be less of a dick to other people. I particularly like the entries for "humour" (BRITS!) and "politeness."

My favorite definition of "a sense of humor" still belongs to Dave Barry: "A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge." Botron's on to something too, though, with "disappointment optimally channelled":

Humour
Seeing the funny sides of situations and of oneself doesn’t sound very serious, but it is integral to wisdom, because it’s a sign that one is able to put a benevolent finger on the gap between what we want to happen and what life can actually provide; what we dream of being and what we actually are, what we hope other people will be like and what they are actually like. Like anger, humour springs from disappointment, but it’s disappointment optimally channelled. It’s one of the best things we can do with our sadness.

And it's nice to see "politeness" on the list. Hipster culture has really done a number on politeness; at some point self-describing as "awkward" became not just permissible but "adorkable," a mea culpa thrown out by girls in large sweaters to excuse their unwillingness to make conversation with people who aren't exactly like them. (I will be sending my children to finishing school.)

Politeness
Politeness has a bad name. We often assume it’s about being “fake” (which is meant to be bad) as opposed to “really ourselves” (which is meant to be good). However, given what we’re really like deep down, we should spare others too much exposure to our deeper selves. We need to learn “manners”, which aren’t evil – they are the necessary internal rules of civilisation. Politeness is very linked to tolerance, the capacity to live alongside people with whom one will never agree, but at the same time, can’t avoid.

Read the whole piece over here.

Mars Hill Pastor Mark "God's Tool" Driscoll tweeted about the inauguration this morning:

Hey, Pastor Mark: Go fuck yourself.

(Via Christian Nightmares.)