This Week in the Mercury

Calling All Artistic Types!


Calling All Artistic Types!

Enter the "Design a Christian Starbucks Cup" Coloring Contest!

One Day at a Time


One Day at a Time

Nanny Banging, Tom Cruise's Disintegration Ray, and #JeSuisParis

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Environmental Impact Statement for Proposed Vancouver Oil Terminal Released

Posted by Shelby R. King on Tue, Nov 24, 2015 at 2:14 PM

Oil trains in Vancouver?
  • Oil trains in Vancouver?

The Energy Facility Site Evaluation Council (EFSEC) of Washington today released its draft environmental impact statement (EIS) for a oil storage and shipping facility that's been proposed at the Port of Vancouver, just across the Columbia River from West Hayden Island, and the council identified a lot of hazards.

The proposed Tersoro Savage Vancouver Energy Distribution Facility would receive an average of 360,000 barrels of crude oil by rail per day—meaning the maximum amount of crude oil going through the facility would be 131.4 million barrels per year—for temporary storage and shipment to refineries.

Those millions of gallons of oil would come primarily from mid-continent North American locations, including the Bakken formation that covers parts of North Dakota; Montana; and Saskatchewan, Canada; as well as other North American formations, such as the Niobrara in Wyoming and Colorado and the Uinta in northeast Utah.

The EFSEC identified a multitude of hazards that could result if the project goes forward, including train derailment and explosions, liquefaction and the resulting storage tank failure in a strong earthquake, oil spills during shipping and pumping operations, and destruction of fish and wildlife habitat due to increased maritime tracking.

Vancouver City Council passed a non-binding resolution opposing what would be the largest oil-by-rail shipping facility in the Northwest. They're joined by the Vancouver Firefighters Union IAFF Local 452, which says it doesn't have the equipment to effectively respond to an emergency at the facility.

Earlier in November, Portland City Council passed a resolution introduced by Commissioner Amanda Fritz that declares the city's opposition to all oil-by-rail projects in Portland and Vancouver.

Now that the draft EIS has been released, the public has 45 days to submit verbal or written comments. After the 45 days is over the EFSEC will submit its recommendation on whether or not the project should move forward to Gov. Jay Inslee. If the EFSEC approves the project the council will issue a Site Certification Agreement (SCA). Within 60 days of receipt of EFSEC’s recommendation, the governor may approve the Facility, reject the Facility, or direct EFSEC to reconsider its SCA.

It's Happening Tonight!

Posted by Bobby Roberts on Tue, Nov 24, 2015 at 1:59 PM

BLAZERS—When I was a kid, I'd load up EA's Bulls vs. Blazers and the NBA Playoffs and rewrite history; Terry Porter always scored 70 points a game, and Michael Jordan won nothing. Hopefully tonight, when the Blazers take on the Chicago Bulls, they can bring a video game to life better than, say... Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat. BOBBY ROBERTS
Moda Center, 1 Center Court, 7 pm, $10-235, all ages

FILM—This installment of the Grindhouse Film series is extra special: a rare 35mm print of 1970's I Drink Your Blood, a cautionary tale for devil-worshipping hippies who might think that staying in an abandoned hotel and tricking an old man into eating LSD is a good idea. It's not! But seeing I Drink Your Blood tonight is! MEGAN BURBANK
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $8

Apparently Ted Cruz Is the One We Need to Be Worrying About Now

Posted by Matt Baume on Tue, Nov 24, 2015 at 1:44 PM

Ted Cruz: Boring but deadly.
  • Shutterstock
  • Ted Cruz: Boring but deadly.

A good magic trick is all about distraction — whipping out some eye-catching bouquet of flowers or dazzling with jazz hands in order to keep anyone from noticing the card tucked in the sleeve.
And while it's fun to laugh about Ben Carson's pyramid scheme or holler about Donald Trump's crazy-uncling, Ted Cruz is bouncing along to the nomination. There are still two months before the 2016 campaigns really take shape, but it's starting to look like he'll be the guy we need to worry about once election season really gets going.


Cruz is about even with Donald Trump in Iowa polling right now — 25% for Trump, 23% for Cruz. That's not bad for Cruz, considering Trump is the only person anyone's paying attention to. It's twice what Cruz was polling at last month.


Continue reading »

Yo!'s Holiday Lookbook, a West Daily Tribute, and a Shopping Strategy: Your Local Fashion & Retail News Roundup!

Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Tue, Nov 24, 2015 at 1:29 PM

Yo Vintage! has always excelled at collecting the best in sparkly, spangly dresses for the holiday party season. Their newest lookbook is all about it:

  • Charise Ash

• To commemorate his newly acquired designation as Portland "best emerging designer" via the PFSAs, West Daily designer Jason Calderon designed a limited edition t-shirt "in celebration of the award and Portland in general." Get it here, this week only (bonus: free shipping).

  • West Daily

• It's a big week for shopping, in case you haven't heard. Start your strategy here, and stay tuned for updates as things shake out.


Critically Important Poll: Which Song is More Annoying/Pathetic? Drake or Adele's?

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Nov 24, 2015 at 12:46 PM

  • Wiki Commons

What follows is a debate that has been raging all day in the Mercury offices (quite possibly because we have nothing more important to do): From a lyrical standpoint, which song is more pathetic and annoying—Adele's "Hello" or Drake's "Hotline Bling"?

Now we are not debating whether the songs' lyrics are pathetic and annoying—THEY MOST CERTAINLY ARE. And we're not debating whether Drake and Adele are annoying... that's between you and your god. We are debating which is the more pathetic/annoying point of view exhibited in each song.

Is it the character portrayed by Adele, who has called an ex-lover at least "a thousand times" after supposedly breaking up with him years ago, and doesn't get the hint that there's no fucking way in hell a normal person would want to talk to a stalker like that? READ THE LYRICS FOR "HELLO" HERE.

Or is it the character portrayed by Drake, who is slut-shaming a former lover for daring to move on with her life after HE chose to leave the city? READ THE LYRICS FOR "HOTLINE BLING" HERE.

It is important to separate the artists from the lyrics, even though Drake dances like an idiot in the video and Adele uses a flip phone from 1992.

NATURALLY, I HAVE VERY STRONG OPINIONS ABOUT THIS, but I'll wait to share them until after the poll, since many of you always vote against whatever I have to say out of some immature sense of spite. Are you ready? LET'S GO!

Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Sister Act

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Nov 24, 2015 at 11:09 AM

I'm a straight female in my mid twenties. I've been dating a wonderful guy for two years—but I recently found something that has put me on edge.

Before we met, he was in a relationship with a terrible, alcoholic, and mentally-unstable woman. They got pregnant early in the relationship and stayed together for about five years. We met a year after they broke up. I feel like I'd come to terms with the ugliness of his past, with his trying to stay in a bad relationship for the sake of his child, and the rest of it. But recently, thanks to the vastness of the Internet, I came across a suggestive photo of my boyfriend with his ex's sister. I asked him about it and he admitted to sleeping with her while he was with his ex. He says it was during a particularly bad period, he was very drunk, she made the first move, etc., but I'm just so grossed out. Cheating is one thing but fucking your girlfriend's sister? And it's not like this was a 19-year-old's mistake. He was near thirty and the father of a child. He also fudged a little about whether it was just one time or a few times. They were a pretty tight family, he spent a lot of birthdays and holidays with them before and after, and he stayed with his ex for another two years after sleeping with her sister. And he never told her about it!

I feel like now I'm questioning his integrity. This is something that I just wouldn't have thought him capable of doing, regardless of how fucked up his relationship was. What do I do?

All Twisted Up

My response... after the jump!

Continue reading »

Well, This Is Bad Timing.

Posted by Alison Hallett on Tue, Nov 24, 2015 at 9:59 AM

SECRET IN THEIR EYES Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
  • SECRET IN THEIR EYES Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

It's not Secret in Their Eyes' fault that it was released at a historical moment where literally no one in the world wants to see a movie about cops who decide they've got better things to do than address a potential terrorist threat. Images of a weeping, beret-clad Statue of Liberty are still flooding my Facebook feed. Republican governors are vowing to block the immigration of Syrian refugees. Memories of 9/11 are suddenly very close to the surface. But it's not like Secret would be good if it had come out a year ago, either—it'd just be a bit less aggressively tacky.


Good Morning, News: Slave-Made Cat Food, Black Lives Matter Shootings, and a Verdict On Oil Trains

Posted by Dirk VanderHart on Tue, Nov 24, 2015 at 7:14 AM

Man, things are not looking good at Lewis & Clark College these days. Less than a week after racist comments on social media app Yik Yak prompted reactions from students, faculty, and administrators, one student from Rwanda says he was beaten on campus because of his race. And now a transgender student has also reported an assault.

Washington State officials are expected to release their assessment of a controversial oil terminal proposed for Vancouver. The project's despised by both the city of Vancouver and Portland City Council.

The city's neighborhood organizations, spurned by what they say is a lack of input on the city's plans to fight homelessness, have begun making plans of their own. Among the proposals Portland's seven neighborhood coalitions would consider: A public information campaign, and identifying land within their bounds where homeless camps could be allowed. If the latter happens, it'd be crazy.

(For reference to why it'd be crazy, see some Multnomah Village residents' reactions to a new shelter for homeless women that's about to open there.)

Another death on Meldrum Bar, the patch of sand in Gladstone that appears in the Willamette during low tide, but which disappears too quickly for anybody's good when the tide changes. A 37-year old man from Brooklyn, NY, died yesterday when the SUV he'd been in was caught unawares.

Hey, cat people of Portland. Just a quick FYI to let you know Nestle's not just scheming on pristine Columbia River Gorge water. It's also peddling cat food made off the backs of slaves in SE Asia. Your move.

This is bad. Turkish fighter jets shot down a Russian fighter jet today, apparently as it crossed a tiny sliver of Turkish airspace near Syria. But I'm sure Russia will let it slide, right?

Also bad: Some "masked men who were behaving suspiciously" opened fire on a Black Lives Matter demonstration in Minneapolis, injuring five people.

The police state is chugging along in France, where cops are free to profile and arrest without warrants, but aren't turning too much up. And don't forget Brussels, where many of the Paris attackers got their start. It's under strict lockdown.

Speaking of terrorism, someone bombed Portland City Hall 45 years ago. No one's ever figured out who did it, and nothing's new, but it's sort of interesting. I certainly didn't know that.

Some people who've unsuccessfully tried to start dialogue lately: A University of Kansas professor who wanted to have a discussion about systemic racism, but just wound up having a host of complaints filed against her.

And author Joyce Carol Oates, who wondered allowed why no one ever hears about the moments of joy ISIS shares.

Gross out there. Real gross.


Monday, November 23, 2015

Ian Karmel is Correctly Giving All of His Helium Show Proceeds to Planned Parenthood

Posted by Megan Burbank on Mon, Nov 23, 2015 at 3:49 PM

  • Kill Rock Stars

Here is something both correct and right: Fresh off his Kill Rock Stars comedy album release, Ian Karmel, he of Everything is Fuck/Portland stand-up renown, is donating all of the proceeds from his upcoming show at Helium to our top bro Planned Parenthood*. You heard right:

Portland's Reigning Funniest Person, Amy Miller, plus the very funny Sean Jordan, are also on the bill for that night, so I guess you already bought your tickets, huh? For those of you who are recluses or just one of Portland's many cat ladies (you know we have more than Seattle), you can also just donate directly to Planned Parenthood Columbia Willamette right over here.

*Here's where I remind you of the terrible things that happen when hard-line anti-choicers get their way. Maybe only click through that last link if you're already having a bad Monday, because it's guaranteed to make it even worse!


Here's the Latest "Portland is Ruined" Story

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Nov 23, 2015 at 3:15 PM

Remember when we couldn't go a couple of weeks without the national media writing a "Portland has amazing restaurant/food cart/music/design scene" story? Well, those days are gone. Here's the latest in a continuing series of reporting with the overriding theme, "Portland is Ruined." From today's edition of The Guardian:


Last month, Portland’s city council declared a “housing emergency”, but it may have come too late to save the city’s creative soul.

For Henry Wise and Cindy Cedeno, at least, the Portland they moved to from Tacoma half a decade ago no longer exists. Their neighbourhood – in the city’s inner south-east – used to be cheap and filled to the brim with other young musicians and students. “It’s already so different in so many ways. Everyone we know has been recently pushed out of their homes.”

This (rather dramatic) story goes on to report about rent increases, no-cause evictions, homelessness, and gentrification—pretty much the same stuff we've been harping about for the last year. And while you've heard me bray on and on about the importance of keeping creatives in this town—I'm not a fan of this article's tone.

While I firmly believe that creatives are a big part of making a city interesting and worth living in, it's not just those on the lower spectrum of the pay scale doing the creating. I love a creative business, restaurant, or tech company as well, and think they have a lot to add to the community. What I despise is the entitlement that often comes with money, and the "entertain me" attitude of a few (not all!) newcomers. I'm equally as sick of people shitting on low-wage creatives (who historically make lower wages to pursue their art) and are happy to see them go. It's everybody's duty as a resident, whether new or old, rich or poor, to add something new to the mix—because that's the Portland everyone wants to live in.

And thus endeth today's lesson. If ya want, read the rest of the article here!

Donald Trump: What if the World's Worst Boss Became the World's Worst President?

Posted by Matt Baume on Mon, Nov 23, 2015 at 2:29 PM

An expert without expertise.
  • Shutterstock
  • An expert without expertise.

Many years ago, I worked for one of THOSE bosses, the kind we've all had, who would issue demands and proclamations with absolute certainty and was completely wrong about everything.
"British children don't have British accents until they become teenagers," he once observed. On another occasion: "Why are we all using Windows when we could just switch to Google?" He was convinced that Captain Planet remained a wildly popular youth fad into the 2000s.

For some leaders, the less they know about a subject, the more confidently they talk about it. Such is the case with Donald Trump, who knows nothing about anything.

Trump's fabrications are becoming so numerous it's difficult to remember or differentiate them all. This is at least in part because he's a very talented liar: he equivocates on most of his fabrications, so he can squirm his way out of them with an "I never said that."

His speech is littered with "maybe" and "I'll think about it" and "you tell me" and "we'll have to consider it." But his supporters don't hear those weasel-words, of course; they only hear that his insane racism is compatible with their own.


Continue reading »

It's Happening Tonight!

Posted by Bobby Roberts on Mon, Nov 23, 2015 at 1:59 PM

FILM—In 1971, a 27-year-old released his first feature film. It was produced by his pal Francis Ford Coppola, it starred a young Robert Duvall, and it offered a dark, unfo gettable vision of the future—a vision that looks more like American reality now than American science fiction. Tonight, you can see THX 1138 on the big screen—and in 35mm. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, 7:30 pm, $8

FILM (AGAIN)—A year ago, the first half of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay was a... hmm... how to put it? Stupid. Boring and drawn-out, last year's installment didn't offer much—because they were saving all the awesome shit for Part II, which is finally out, and which shall, joyously and thankfully, restore our faith in Katniss Everdeen. ERIK HENRIKSEN
Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, 11:45 am, 3:15, 7 & 10:45 pm, $7.50-9

Savage Love: Cuckold Gets Cold Cocked

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Nov 23, 2015 at 11:14 AM

I've always been a big believer in the common-sense obviousness that monogamy is hard. Additionally, I like the idea of my wife getting fucked. I don't have any desire to be denigrated or emasculated; I just get off on the idea of her being satisfied and a little transgressive. Early in our relationship, we talked about monogomish guidelines: I'd like to be informed and consulted, and she would rather I kept mine to myself. Last weekend we were having sex, and she asked me if I "wanted to hear a story," code for treating me to a tale of a sexual contact. She'd been out of town for work most of the summer, and she told me that one of her roommates had gotten in the shower with her and fingered her until she came. I asked her if she'd fucked him, and she said yes. It was all hot and awesome. But a few hours later, I was experiencing pangs: Why hadn't she told me or asked me at the time? Also, I felt very alone and depressed that summer, and when I'd gone to visit her, my wife and this roommate acted very strangely. I told her that I thought it was hot and cool, but that I didn't think it was cool that she'd kept this from me for so long. Things got worse from there: Over the last week, we've had some great sex and open conversations but also a lot of anger and hurt. The truth is that she carried on with this guy all summer. It's not the sex that bothers me so much as the breadth of the deception, the disregard for my feelings, and the violation of our agreement. And, yes, I'm feeling a little emasculated. How does a loving husband who intellectually believes that fooling around is okay—and who finds it hot sexually—get over this kind of hurt and anger? Help me get right with GGGesus.
Cocked-Up Cuckold Keeps Stressing


This Week's Style Events: A Kinder Black Friday Week/End

Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Mon, Nov 23, 2015 at 10:44 AM

You could die if you go to a chain store this week, so I caution you to avoid such dens of impropriety. Here's what we've got cooking so far on the independent tip, and don't act surprised if I come back with an update:

• Serious note: I’ve never understood where people get off making jokes about socks and underwear as gifts because they are actually wonderful gifts. One of the city’s best sources for hosiery, Imelda’s & Louie’s knows this truth well, and is running a Holiday Sock Sale, with 15 percent off purchases of three or more, now through Christmas Eve. Imelda’s & Louie’s, 3426 SE Hawthorne, through Dec 24

• One of the hugest coordinated efforts among small local businesses is the annual Little Boxes shopping event, first launched by the folks behind NW Portland shop and jewelry operation Betsy + Iya. Now in its fifth edition, it features an app (even for Androids) to coordinate over 200 participating local shops. Offering user incentives like a free-to-enter raffle (prizes include hotel stays and shopping sprees) and lots of deals and activations at specific locations, it’s an easy, fun way to explore little guys in neighborhoods across the city. All over Portland, Fri Nov 27 & Sat Nov 28,

  • Little Boxes via Instagram

Palace is not messin’ when it comes to Black Friday and Small Business Saturday, offering a hefty 25 percent off both days. Additionally, Alexandria Cummings will be in the house with a special selection of her ceramics, purchases enter you in a raffle for gift bags and certificates, and there’ll be bubbly and sweets on hand to help grease those shopping wheels. Palace, 2205 E Burnside, Fri Nov 27 & Sat Nov 28

Mabel & Zora hosts the holiday collection from Trina Turk through the weekend, with gifts-with-purchase, a raffle to win a handbag from the brand, plus hot apple cider (with or without whiskey). Mabel & Zora, 748 NW 11th, Fri Nov 27-Sun Nov 29

• All Animal Traffic locations (including the Annex shoe store and the web shop) are extending hours and discounts through the weekend. Black Friday early birds get 20 percent savings from 12 am to noon, then it drops to 15 percent until Monday, when latecomers can still enjoy 10 percent off their entire purchase all day long. Animal Traffic, 4000 N Mississippi & 429 SW 10th, Thurs Nov 27-Mon Nov 30

  • Animal Traffic

• Black Friday weekend in Portland has little in common with the YouTube videos that seem to surface every year in which shoppers inflict physical harm on each other over toasters and video games. Events like Black Magic are far more our speed. It gathers a slew of the city’s coolest small businesses (like Reif Haus, for instance) for two days of savvy shopping options that support our local talent. The Cleaners, 403 SW 10th, Sat Nov 28 & Sun Nov 29, 11 am-6 pm

Una doesn’t play Black Friday, thanks—in fact they’re closed altogether. But they will be offering 30 percent off their selection of clothing once the worst of it has passed. Una, 922 SE Ankeny, Sat Nov 28 & Sun Nov 29

• This weekend’s edition of the Sunday Emporium—in which complementing vendors set up shop amid the lovely housewares of Rejuventation (never underestimate the gift-giving power of brackets and drawer pulls)—is, shockingly, holiday themed, and even features a wreath making workshop with Anna Mara Flowers. Rejuvenation, 1100 SE Grand, Sun Nov 29, 11 am-4 pm

• For most of the year, the WildCraft Studio School is an idyllic place to pick up new skills against the lush backdrop of the Columbia Gorge. However, this week it’s taking up residency in the city for a week of pre-holiday intensives that include a drawing class (taught by WildCraft founder Chelsea Heffner, who will also be selling prints of her own work) and a workshop on printing linens by Anna Joyce. Fieldwork Design, 601 SE Hawthorne, Mon Nov 30-Sat Dec 5, for full schedule and pricing


The Walking Dead Recap: Use the Stairway, Dummy!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Nov 23, 2015 at 10:09 AM

OKAY, I'm happy that I was RIGHT about a certain character surviving, but after the jump, I'm gonna lose my GOT-DAMNED MIND over how it was done! Are you ready for a full spoiler-filled recap of last night's Walking Dead episode, and me losing my GOT-DAMNED MIND??? Then by all means hit the jump, and let's get chitty-chatting about it!

Hi, just stopped by to say that I still look pretty good for being a zombie. Also? Check out my indie rock band.
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Hi, just stopped by to say that I still look pretty good for being a zombie. Also? Check out my indie rock band."

More after the jump!

Continue reading »

Brooklyn: A Reminder That Feel-Good Movies Don't Need to Be Terrible

Posted by Megan Burbank on Mon, Nov 23, 2015 at 9:14 AM

BROOKLYN Not pictured: Emory Cohen
  • BROOKLYN Not pictured: Emory Cohen <3

With the exception of that time she played an assassin in Hanna, Saoirse Ronan is often confined to roles unworthy of someone who can actually act (see: The Lovely Bones). So it's exciting to see her carry a well-constructed film once again, as she does in Brooklyn. Based on the novel by Colm Tóibín and directed by theater veteran John Crowley, Brooklyn's an understated study of a young Irish woman, Eilis Lacey (Ronan). It's a keyhole portrait of her displacement and resilience as she finds herself caught between her ancestral home in Ireland and 1950s New York, where she's found professional success and fallen in love with a cute Italian plumber (Emory Cohen <3).


Good Morning, News: Timbers Cup Bound, Lewis & Clark Victim Speaks, and Dumb Stuff Trump Says

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Nov 23, 2015 at 8:54 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Dirty South (uh-huh). Can you all really feel me (feel us). East coast feel me (feel us). West coast feel me. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

The student who was the victim of a race-based attack on the Lewis and Clark campus tells his story, and it sounds horrifying. (He's also disputing the cops' account of events.)

Regal Cinemas is in a battle with the developer who wants to put up 900 apartments were the Lloyd Cinemas currently stands—and the beef revolves around parking.

The Blazers made short work of their game with the Lakers on Sunday, beating down the team with a score of 107-93.

In more good sports news, the Timbers take down Dallas, 3-1... and thinks are looking goooood for a MLS cup. Check out Abe Asher's recap and predictions!

A series of late night police raids in Brussels have not turned up Paris attack suspect Salah Abdeslam, as the area remains on lockdown.

Meanwhile, President Obama tries to calm a panicky nation, saying that our fear is what will elevate and empower ISIS.

Today in "Stupid Things Trump Says": The presidential candidate has called for a return of the former US practice of waterboarding.

A shooting at a New Orleans block party/video shoot leaves at least 16 wounded, including a teenage girl who was shot in the knee and buttocks.

In what cannot possibly be good news, already huge drug conglomerate Pfizer is planning a $155 billion takeover of Allergan, which would make it the biggest pharmaceutical company in the world.

While it's been a great year for transgender rights, here's a sobering, horrifying statistic: homicides of transgender women have almost doubled this year.

Now let's move on to the WEATHER situation: Cool and mostly sunny today with a high of 47, but showers return tonight!

And finally, get it off, get it off, GET IT OFF.


Timbers Beat Dallas; On the Doorstep of MLS Cup

Posted by Abe Asher on Mon, Nov 23, 2015 at 8:17 AM

273 days after it began, the Portland Timbers' 2015 season at Providence Park ended with Nat Borchers. It ended with Nat Borchers on his back, fighting home what stands as the Western Conference Final's decisive goal; and it ended with Nat Borchers standing on top of the eighteen yard box and saluting the Timbers Army long after his teammates had made their way down the North End tunnel and into the Rose City night.

Plato would say that there is a little bit of gold sprinkled into Borchers' blood — but whether you believe that or not, there's no way we're ever seeing a player with his blend of style, fortitude, and heart ever again. All he does is win, and his team is following in his old-man footsteps.

It was Portland Timbers 3, FC Dallas 1 in the first leg of the West Final on Sunday night. There was another fantastic tifo, a Ridgy Roll, and a golazo from Dairon Asprilla. There was a lot of Darlington Nagbe, a farewell for Will Johnson, and, thanks to a lonesome away goal, a sliver of hope for the #1 seed to cling to.

But folks, realize this: It's happening. This Timbers team looks the part. Portland hasn't won a major sports championship since 1977, but hold onto your hats because the hometown soccer team is just ninety minutes from MLS Cup.

Continue reading »

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Blazers Recap: Snap Goes The Streak!

Posted by Aris Hunter Wales on Sat, Nov 21, 2015 at 12:58 PM


The Blazer’s 7 game losing streak has kinda felt like watching Sisyphus struggle with his boulder. Much like the Greek mythological story, the young Blazers have done everything they could to push a weighty rock of a win to the top of a monstrous hill, only to have it roll back down for another humiliating loss every time. That’s not to say they’ve been playing particularly poor, but they do occasionally look off balance like a team of Labrador puppies. The team has averaged about 13 turnovers a game during said losing streak. But despite their fumbling and bumbling, the Blazers have had moments of clarity. Sometimes they look like a confident team of seasoned, tenured veterans. Alas, that boulder has kept rolling back down the last 7 games, casting a dark shadow on the future of this season. After a brutal 0-4 road trip, a solid win at home would do the Blazers’ egos, and loyal fans, a lot of good.

Thankfully, the Blazers were able to confidently march off their home court tonight with a 102-91 victory over the Los Angeles Clippers. So lets all take a deep breath…


Continue reading »


Good Morning, News!: A Staffing Change, a Mali Update, and More Problems at Lewis & Clark

Posted by Shelby R. King on Sat, Nov 21, 2015 at 11:29 AM

It's going to be a sunny weekend, Blogtown. Let's have some news!


Gov. Kate Brown is switching things up on her staff. She fired her top aid, Brian Shipley, and replaced him with Kristen Leonard.

An African American student on Friday was assaulted at the Lewis & Clark Campus. Officials don't know if it's related to a recent string of racial slurs on a social media site.

Transportation network companies Uber and Lyft are being accused of cutting corners on their drivers' insurance coverage.

Authorities are on the hunt for three suspects in Friday's Mali attacks.

Brussels is currently on lockdown following the Paris attacks, as the terrorist threat level is raised to maximum.

Thanksgiving is coming. If you need to go shopping for it, here's an interactive menu planner to help out.

Donald Trump is still an idiot.

Southwest Airlines kicked two passengers off flights this week after passengers expressed fear over flying with the Arabic-speaking and Muslim men.

I've watched this way too many times. It's so great:

By the Sea: A Film About Rich Peoples' "Problems"

Posted by Marjorie Skinner on Sat, Nov 21, 2015 at 9:59 AM

BY THE SEA “Sigh. However shall I endure being so rich and beautiful?”
  • BY THE SEA “Sigh. However shall I endure being so rich and beautiful?”

Vanessa and Roland are beautiful, artistic, and rich enough for an indefinite stay in the French Mediterranean, but By the Sea beckons you to feel sorry for them. The arthouse effort directed by Angelina Jolie Pitt—who also stars as Vanessa, alongside husband Brad as Roland—has flawless style. See: the YSL gradient sunglasses, the moldings in their hotel, the views, the car, and the clothes—she in layered silks, he in rakish chapeau.

As a style piece, Sea is a comely '60s/'70s Euro throwback, and Angelina and Brad pull it off—making it plausible that a woman too depressed to do anything but drink and cry in bed would have the bandwidth to apply false eyelashes. These two have the ennui something fierce, especially the missus. She's cold and bored, and begins spying on the young honeymooners in the next room, occasionally inducing flashbacks to obscure biological matter. Thus, "What's wrong with her?" becomes Sea's groundbreaking central mystery.


Friday, November 20, 2015

The Week in Art: Virginia Woolf's Immortal Dandy, D&D, Justifying Our Vices with Patti Smith

Posted by Megan Burbank on Fri, Nov 20, 2015 at 3:57 PM

Were not worthy!
  • Knopf
  • We're not worthy!

Virginia Woolf's Orlando seems all but impossible to make into a play. It's Woolf's most fun book, but it's also about a person who lives 500 years and changes gender and lives a whole bunch of lifetimes. But Profile Theatre's produced Sarah Ruhl's adaptation of Woolf's novel, and it sounds like my naysaying is completely unfounded. "In fact, the single most impressive thing about this production is not its comedy or its emotional truth, but just how effortlessly the direction, design, and performances evoke the particular smooth frenzy of Woolf's best work in Orlando," writes Thomas Ross in his review. "To cover a life, even the stretch from 16 to 36 years old, is an achievement, but Woolf spans 500 years of history, Ruhl demands that it be done virtually without a break, and director Matthew Zrebski & Co. prove that it's the only way to do it. Despite being meticulously choreographed, it feels fresh and real and totally natural."

Do you know what a beholder is? I didn't, until Senior Editor Erik Henriksen sent me this horrifying link. You'll need to see it to truly appreciate the headline on his review of Michael Witwer's biography of Dungeons & Dragons creator Gary Gygax, Empire of Imagination. Erik's review doubles as a helpful guide on creative decisions to avoid while writing a biography. He writes, "Empire of Imagination hits a speed bump whenever Witwer tries to describe Gygax's mindset, be it at Gygax's wedding ("He quivered a bit as he stared into the eyes of his bride-to-be. He could hardly believe it, but she was his—the prettiest girl in town") or on his deathbed, where "a dark-robed figure" points to a chessboard ("'Wanna play?' said a raspy voice that chilled Gary to the bone")."

Conversely, Portlander Margaret Malone's writing sounds like an object lesson in literary fiction featuring cantankerous women and Nice Guys™. "Malone's writing could be seen as a close cousin to the work of Tom Drury, Mary Robison, or Denis Johnson—stories that casually draw you in and leave you wanting more," says Joshua James Amberson of her latest. "People Like You feels like being let in on a secret that won't stay secret for long." Malone reads at Powell's on Sunday.

PATTI SMITH LOVES COFFEE. That's what I learned from her new memoir, M Train, which you should certainly read if you read anything, but especially if you're a Patti Smith freak like me. Here's a definitely-not-exhaustive list of Smith's coffee haunts, from my review: "a trendy café in Chicago, a Detroit 7-Eleven, Korean delis and a now-shuttered café in New York, and a Berlin coffee shop that also serves vodka and caviar." Seriously, reading Smith's book is like a soothing balm for the caffeine-addicted among us. Today, as I crouched outside a loading dock while drinking my sixth (?) cup of the day, I thought cheerfully to myself, I don't have a problem. I'm just doing what Patti Smith would do! Smith speaks tonight at the Newmark Theatre.

It's Happening This Weekend!

Posted by Bobby Roberts on Fri, Nov 20, 2015 at 2:29 PM


COMEDY—The hysterical performers of the 3rd Floor sketch comedy troupe are throwing in the sweaty towel after 20 years and 33 productions. But not without a bang in their last show, The 3rd Floor XXXIII: The Final Chapter. I might even call it a whizz-bang with such featured themes as "beef ghosts, severed fingers, and (of course) Star Wars." COURTNEY FERGUSON
Miracle Theatre, 525 SE Stark, Fri-Sat 8 pm, through Dec 19, $16-19

NIGHT MARKET—Portland's Night Market is coming to the Central Industrial Eastside District this week. As we head into the holiday season, this is a great way to do some early gift scouting from local merchants you may not know while sampling food and beverages and listening to local music. SHELBY R. KING
100 SE Alder, Sat 4 pm-10 pm, Sun noon-10 pm, FREE, all ages


COMICS—You can't do better than Image Comics' lineup of writers and artists invading Powell's today, when Kelly Sue DeConnick (Bitch Planet), Leila del Duca (Shutter), Joe Keatinge (Tech Jacket, Shutter), and Kurt Busiek (The Autumnlands) join forces for the comics panel discussion to end all comics panel discussions. MEGAN BURBANK
Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, 4 pm, FREE, all ages

VARIETY SHOW—If you're a fan of comedy you will probably do backflips over this Live Wire! lineup. Join host Luke Burbank as he welcomes Wet Hot American Summer's David Wain, Rob Huebel and Paul Scheer from The League, and stand-up comic Emily Heller! Plus free-climber Alex Honnold who may or may not be funny. I don't know! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie, 7:30 pm, $15-35, all ages

MUSIC—Tonight seems like a good time to get loose and shake off yesterday's constricting necktie and binding pantyhose. Let's get rowdy with two of Portland's favorite bands at this stacked bill featuring the garage-pop goodness of Summer Cannibals, and the full live-show melee of Divers. Hope your Sunday is free of anything but brunchly obligations. COURTNEY FERGUSON
w/Sioux Falls; Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi, 9 pm, $10


SOCCER—If you don't already have a ticket for the Portland Timbers' immensely important game against the scoundrels of FC Dallas in this leg of the Western Conference Finals, you're probably not getting one. Cheer the hell up. The innumerable Portland bars that'll be showing the game have cheaper beer and warmth. BYO singing voice. DIRK VANDERHART
Providence Park, 1844 SW Morrison, 4:30 pm, $35-190 (look for scalpers), otherwise any decent sports/Irish pub will show it

MUSIC & METAL—Your metal show experience needs a better array of accessory options, and your afternoon of shopping needs more metal: Enter the brilliant Black Sunday, which features more than 20 of Portland's "darker, alternative" brands along with a live music lineup headlined by Lord Dying! MARJORIE SKINNER
w/Usnea, RIP, Hound the Wolves; Eagles Lodge, 4904 SE Hawthorne, 3 pm, $8, all ages

Watch Ian Karmel and Ron Funches on Conan!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Nov 20, 2015 at 1:51 PM

Guys! It was like a Portland homecoming on last night's Conan when beloved ex-hometown comedian Ron Funches and also beloved ex-hometown comedian (and current Mercury columnist!) Ian Karmel dropped by to drop some hilarious comedy. Check out Ian's set (which contains loads of Portland shout-outs), and the love fest that went on between he and Funches. GET A ROOM, YOU GUYS!!

See part two of Ian's set here, and while you're in the laughing mood, check out Ron's interview with Conan in which he talks about his adorable son—who is either the ultimate wingman, or the ultimate cockblocker.

Looks Like This Ben Carson Joke Is Finally Nearing Its End

Posted by Matt Baume on Fri, Nov 20, 2015 at 1:28 PM

Ben Carson: Wait, there are countries OTHER than America? Where???
  • Ben Carson: "Wait, there are countries OTHER than America? Where???"

Some presidential campaigns fade away quietly under cover of night so deftly that you might not even even notice they're gone — for example, it'll probably be a long, long time before you ever have think about Bobby Jindal again.

But others explode in a dazzling fireworks display, and that might be what we're about to witness with Ben Carson's wild ride. "Collapse," the headlines are all saying, "crisis," "the worst week," and also "five fantastic Thanksgiving meal sides," because things are so shitty with Ben Carson's campaign right now that it's OK to stop worrying about him and start planning next week's menu. (I'm going to be making Sally Lunn rolls and mushroom soup, how about you? Share your favorite Thanksgiving sides in the comments!)

"What the Hell is Going on With Ben Carson?" asks a headline in Rolling Stone. Ben's very bad week started with a shitty interview on Fox News, during which he was unable to name any US allies. That was followed by a New York Times article that quoted one of his advisors as saying, essentially, that Carson is a moron who can't absorb any useful information about foreign policy.

A Carson campaign official responded to the article by claiming that the advisor has nothing to do with the campaign; and then another campaign official said that the first official has nothing to do with the campaign.

Then they tweeted out a map of the United States that nobody noticed depicted New England floating away to Canada, nice work everyone congratulations.


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