I am a 26 y.o. gay man living in Europe. Some weekends ago I went to visit a friend to another city and we went out to a party where I met a gay couple in their mid 30s. We clicked and by the end of the night they proposed me a threesome. (It was an excitement idea! They were very hot!) Unfortunately I had to decline because the friend I was visiting is a friend with benefits and we agreed on "fun together or not fun at all."

The issue is that I gave these guys my cellphone number and one of the guys—a guy that is hot as hell and way out of my league—wanted to have fun with me but without his partner. He was planning on coming to my city only for this reason and was waiting for me to confirm. I asked him if his partner agreed on this and he told me that he didn't know if his partner would have agreed and that he was not planning on telling him. (They have been together for more than 8 years!) I have been with guys in open relationships but I have always declined the cheating setup and this was clearly a cheating setup so I declined. The guy was not happy and called me a prude.

This is not true, Dan! I have a lot of fun with guys but I just don't like the idea of being the one that a guy cheated on his partner with. In a "Grindr" set up with limited information, this would have been less of a problem for me, but here I knew who his boyfriend was and their relationship status. My male hetero friends, that are all in couples, told me that I did right. My male gay friends, that are all single at the moment, thought that I should have gone for it, that I am too uptight and, yes, prudish.

Am I a prude? Enlighten me, Dan. Please.

The Gay Prude

P.S. Sorry about my English!

My response after the jump...

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Originally published July 26, 2007:

I'm a 31-year-old attractive single woman, and I recently went on Match.com and found a guy. Our e-mails and one phone conversation went well and he seemed kind and was okay-looking in his picture, so I met him for drinks. It was disappointing, to say the least. He looked 15 years older than his picture and was socially awkward to the point of sheer misery. He told me he didn't want to eat cheese because he "had the craps," announced to the waitress that this was our first date, yawned when I talked about my job, and said, "I could tell you were really into me the minute you walked in the room."

Standard bad date so far, right?

Here's the bizarre part: On the phone he'd said, "The most beautiful sound in the world is applause. I hope I can hear you clap for me sometime." He is a music teacher, so I thought he was referring to applause after a performance. But when we met in person, he asked me to clap for him, for no reason, in the restaurant! I asked him why, and he said he just really loved the sound of clapping. I ignored his request, finished my drink, and said it was nice to meet him but I didn't think this was going to work. I shook his hand good-bye in the parking lot and at this point he asked again for me to clap—but now in a whiny voice, literally begging me to do it. The worst part? I did it, just to shut him up, before speeding away in my car. I'm simultaneously creeped out and intrigued.

Have you ever heard of a clapping fetish?

Clap Off The Clapper

My response after the jump...

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Should one come out as bisexual if 1. One has never actually had a same-sex sexual experience and 2. Is a woman married to a straight man BUT 1. Is 90% sure she would enjoy sexual experience with (particular) women and 2. Has had some same-sex fantasies and crushes (if not quite as many as on men) since 12 years old, and 3. HAS had some sexual experience with more effeminite men, one of which was partly on account of his cross-dressing (I know, I know, not the same thing, but...)

There are several reasons (if not excuses) I've not yet had a sexual experience with another woman, including 1. UBER-Catholic upbringing, 2. Internalized homophobia, which I'm now getting over, 3. getting married young(er), a few days after I turned 25, before I fully self-realized my sexual preferences, 4. complicated living/financial situation with spouse, and 5. Spouse less sexually adventurous, but *possibly* open to my having a same-sex sexual experience if he is involved (how to make that happen in upstate South Carolina is possibly another story, and the fact that I'm not sure I want him involved is another story, too...).

I have always felt somewhat genderqueer/bisexual/possibly pan-sexual, but didn't have names for these things (besides bi-sexuality) until graduate school. Naming these things has been a powerful step in my becoming more self-actualized, but I'm not sure what the next step(s) should be for me. Thanks,

Bi/Curious?

My response after the jump...

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I'm 33, living in Colorado with my partner of a year now. We're happy together and have great sex. We have the best and most healthy relationship I have ever been in.... except for a fetish my partner has. He's into fucking dogs. Large dogs to where the dog isn't hurt or uncomfortable, but dogs nonetheless. It doesn't come up often. Soon after we started dating he confessed this to me and we talked about it. I am okay with him exploring that area of his sexuality, but I don't want to have any part in it. He wants us to both explore it together. This doesn't appeal to me in the least and wasn't an issue until recently. He's been getting more vocal about wanting us to get into that kink together, taking it as far as video bombing me with dog/man porn from his iPhone. What do I do? I made it plainly clear I don't want any part in this but left him open to explore on his own. I feel he wants me to be as into it as he is but I'm not and I know I never will be. Is there a solution to the problem or is there a deeper issue going on here that needs outside help?

Thanks for any advice.

Fretting Into Dog Obsession

My response after the jump...

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The reason why bi women, at least, don't like straight girls getting drunk and kissing other girls for men's benefit is that it contributes to the idea that bisexual women don't really exist.

There's a reason I personally don't like it, but it isn't the above. Here's my reason: as a queer woman, mostly interested in dating only other women, when I see a woman kissing another woman, I think it's someone who may be interested in dating me. My dating pool is already small, i.e. limited to women who want to have sex with other women. I don't want to waste time pursuing a straight woman who is just trying to get guys off. Even more annoying is when it's me that they're drunkingly getting frisky with. I mean, what better sign do you need for sexual interest than someone kissing you! And yet, it's not at all a good sign!

I'm sorry, but straight/bi doods are pretty easy for chicks to get into bed. You don't need to involve my sexuality, straight girls.

Some Queer Chick

More reader responses about DSGs... after the jump.

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My friend is one of those men trapped in a sexless marriage, in part because 14 years ago he chose to marry his plain highschool sweetheart—the hometown girl, the safe and expected choice—instead of marrying the erotic and trusted friend (me) who would've kept his life interesting. After rekindling our friendship for the past year and ironing out some old hurt feelings, I offered to be his discreet private whore. In return I want to see three pictures first: his wife's clothed body neck down, the bras and panties in her dresser, and the vibrator he bought for her. I never met her and I never will. He is uncomfortable with my request, saying he doesn't want to bring his wife into it. His refusal is a "deal breaker" for me. He fantasizes about hot sex and my fantasy is to see what he's actually getting at home. By him not showing her face or nakedness I feel that I'm respecting her privacy. Do you think I am asking for too much?

Erotic Friend's Fotos I Need Getting Mutual Pleasure

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Fox News radio host Alan Colmes recently got into a bit of a tiff over the air with spokesperson for the American Family Association, and white-haired stallion Bryan Fischer. After Colmes asked him, “Have you ever had a gay impulse?” Fischer responded, “Alan, I’m not going to talk about that. We’re not going to go there. We’re not going to talk about that.” Fischer then continued on to say, “Everybody experiences sexual impulses that, if they acted on those impulses, it would destroy them. I've experienced them,” Fischer added, whilst dabbing at the beads of sweat on his forehead and loosening his Lady Gaga-printed tie.

For the last 23 years, Disney World has celebrated an annual unofficial “gay day,” where queers from all cuts come and celebrate being gay in giant teacups and pink castles. “One Million Moms,” a subsidiary of the American Family Association (see: above), ain’t too thrilled about it. “Disney has been irresponsible for far too long. Disney representatives and security need to maintain a family-friendly atmosphere and require proper conduct and dress code on a daily basis." “I hate to break it to all those moms,” said Mickey Mouse, “but every day at Disney is pretty gay.”

When Minnesota realized that Minneapolis is actually the gayest city in America, they decided it was maybe time to go ahead and legalize gay marriage already. This week, Minnesota became the 12th state to legalize gay marriage—and Minnesota state representative Michelle Bachmann is like, totally pissed about it. “It could be an earthquake. It could be a volcano. It could be some sort of flesh eating virus. All I know is that God does not let homosexuality go unpunished, and Minneapolis is next in line for his wrath,” said Bachmann in an interview with anchorman Chris Nolan.

Bachmann then continued, saying she’s considering moving to Oregon, as our state still has a ban on same-sex marriage. "I've heard wonderful things about Eugene," she says, "and I think congressman DeFazio may be vulnerable to a challenge. They're the nicest people in the world out there, I'm sure we'd be welcomed with open arms." Said local bi-sexual and dreadlocked headshop owner Bryan, “Uh, has she met us?”

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Whoooops! Big thanks to our friend Eric D. Snider (and our observant commenters) for alerting us that the previous story was originally published on the SATIRICAL news site Daily Currant. Sorry about that, and we should've known better! BOOOO us!]

If you've ever wondered what's the best way to come out to your parents, this video circulating around the web might help.

Originally published May 24, 2007:

I'm an early-20s gay guy turned on by hypnosis. During my adolescent explorations of the internet, I found a site with stories about "mind control," usually involving the seduction of straight men. I was hooked. I'm not beating myself up for being a "bad person," because my desire to try this in real life is nil for reasons of its impossibility (true hypnosis is something different and I am effectively fantasizing about magic) and immorality (sex without consent is rape). For the latter reason especially, I'm rather uncomfortable with my "addiction" to this fantasy.

Apart from the fact that this suggests I may have some serious sexual-control issues, I was wondering if you had any ideas for weaning yourself from a fantasy. This is not something I'm interested in "accepting." My attempts at incorporating alternate fantasies into my repertoire have failed.

Stop Thinking About That

My response after the jump...

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I LOVE YOUR COLUMN!

Ok, so I have been in a relationship with an AMAZING guy for the last eight years. We have great sexual chemistry and are truly best friends. So, my man has this fantasy about seeing me fuck his friends. It comes up EVERY SINGLE TIME we have sex. He loves for me to act as though I'm fucking his friends, he begs me to call out their names during sex, he wants to me to tell him what I would do to them, etc. I love to please him in any way I can, and to be honest I get really into it and I find it super hot. But to a certain extent I wonder if this could be healthy? Or if this is something that he might really want to explore? We never talk about it outside the bedroom. It also makes me feel awkward when we hang out with his friends because I can't help thinking about how many times I've come while shouting out their names. Weird, huh? A while back I developed a crush on one of these guys and even though I'm totally over it now, I don't want this to be something that could potentially be harmful to our relationship.

I'm not sure how to broach the subject with my boyfriend. So I guess my question how can I open up this topic without giving him the idea that I actually would let one of his friends bone me? If this was something that he REALLY wanted to do, I'd be willing, but I don't know that the positives would outweigh the negative. How do I ask him if he thinks about actually doing it, or if it's just all for the sex?

Please Help Me

P.S. Hope you can find the time to answer my questions. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!

My response after the jump...

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If Too Soon To Quit moves out, but does not file for divorce, she must watch her money.
As an attorney with some limited experience in divorce law, I so saw many people cause each other so much pain because they did not consider marriage to be a business partnership as well as an emotional and sexual partnership.

Too Soon To Quit's husband could run up a lot of debt without her support. If he does, she could be forced to either repay those debts or pay an attorney to separate her debts from his. It was always messy, expensive work to separate debts that an ex spouse ran up after the couple separated, but before they divorced.

The lease poses a more immediate problem. I defend evictions for a living now. Both Too Soon To Quit and her husband are probably named in the lease. Even if she leaves, no landlord with even a single brain cell would release her from her obligation to pay rent if her husband is unemployed. If he is evicted, the wife's name will appear in the specialized credit reports that landlords check. I hope she can limit the damage.

Yours truly,

Ben Ramm

Thanks for the legal perspective, Ben. More bonus advice for TSTQ from "Savage Love" readers—perhaps better advice for TSTQ—after the jump.

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You probably weren't aware of it. I wasn't. But we're aware of it now. And before you snicker about Clitoraid—what is that? a sports drink?—you might wanna read this.

I'm a hetero woman who watches gay porn sometimes. I find it exciting and perfectly OK. Matter of fact, if my boyfriend stumbled on to my (digital) stash, his likely response would be rolling his eyes and saying, "This again?" The thing that I don't understand is why guys who look at gay porn in secret are automatically assumed to be closeted gays. Are hetero men allergic to gay porn? What is going on?

I'm Terrible At Acronyms So I'm Just Going To Say Kate

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Realizing you are gay and male, so perhaps you've had a situation that comes close enough to this one to give me some advice...

What is a girl to do when she is switching positions from doggie to missionary and she lets out not one, no, not one but multiple queefs? I mean, what is a girl to do, other than the obvious which is die of embarrassment? Initially I laughed it off, but when those damn quifs kept coming, I wanted the ground to open up real wide and swallow me whole. Needless to say, my partner's erection came to an end PDQ and that was that.

I am fortunate that said partner (we've been together 20 months, living together 15 months) is kind and laid back (thankfully) and so he cuddled me for a good hour after that. It took me about half an hour before I could look him in the eye again. When I muttered "sorry" into his chest he said, "No, I'm sorry," so he tried to make it as easy for me as possible. We have a great, great, great relationship. Everything works so well, the relationship actually gets better and grows the longer we are together... but I still didn't know what to say to him after this. I wanted to say "I didn't fart!" or "That was a queef!" but I couldn't manage the words. Besides, would such explanations make any difference anyway? And from the limited reading I've done on this mortifying subject I understand that this isn't uncommon when switching from doggie to another position.
Sadly I now want to avoid doggie for the foreseeable future, although I LOVE—no let me correct myself, I LOVED that position. I'm afraid I won't want to get on all fours ever again. Help!

Quite Unnerving Experience Elicits Fears

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I'm a straight married woman, recently separated from my husband while we work through some serious issues in our 10-year marriage. One of the big issues, for me, is that he's always been barely so-so in bed. For the last three years, I can count how many times we've had sex on one hand—and it's been really, really bad sex for me.

Now, I really love this man, and it's been worth it for me to try to work on our other communication issues. But in the back of my head I can't get over the potential horror of spending the rest of my life with a guy who has a fairly-low libido, is less-than-lackluster in the sack, and who—ohmygod—I actually TOLD was bad in bed during a heated fight.

I am a healthy, attractive, pleasant and well-groomed woman, and never had this problem with any past partners. I've always been told I'm desirable. My husband has no physical problems (I've had him get regular checkups), and he is definitely straight. He occasionally looks at porn but he only seems to be tangentially interested in sex even when we're not having problems. Oral sex is especially poor, and the lack of interest/desire makes me reluctant to ask him to play with toys with me. I am not interested in sex that feels like a chore. How do I get past this? Can I get past this? Or is our marriage doomed by the disparities in our respective sex drives?

My heart is breaking, and I'm begging for any advice you can give me.

Needs It Bad

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I am straight female in my early 20s. I have been dating a man twice my age for a little over a year. We are madly in love, and when our relationship is good, it is great.

Unfortunately, we fight often. He is an alcoholic, and while he is sweet to me when he hasn't had relatively much to drink, he becomes agitated, irrational, sarcastic, and mean when he has had a lot to drink. (He is never physically violent with me.) I have an anxiety disorder and am an especially sensitive person, and his behavior when he is drunk is extremely distressing to me. Additionally, I struggle with avoiding my problems, and when he is being mean to me or when I know that he's had a lot to drink, my tendency is to want to stay away from him and spend my time alone at my place. However, this makes him depressed, which only makes him drink more.

Additionally, if there is such a thing as sex addiction, he likely has that, too. When he's not drinking (and also when he is), he wants to be having sex or masturbating and watching porn. He masturbates several times a day. I wish he could satisfy the bulk of his sexual appetite that way, but his preference is to have sex with me, and he becomes depressed (and drinks more) when he is not having "enough" sex with me.

I am a "newbie" to sex and have been having it for less than a year. I had a previous relationship that was never consummated because I had/have a condition called vaginismus, which causes an involuntary vaginal spasm at penetration attempts. Because of my vaginismus, my early attempts at intercourse were excruciating, fruitless, and discouraging. With Kegel exercises, lots of lube, a vibrator for my clit, and much effort, I am finally able to have sex, but it is still not always easy. Sex is pleasurable for me when I am really excited, have had lots of foreplay, and preferably have already come once, because this helps me relax my vagina and gets me wet inside (it is hard to lube up the inside of my vagina fully). Sex when I am not excited, however, is rarely good, and is more often uncomfortable or painful. My boyfriend understands this and sometimes tries to get me to come before trying to have sex with me, but that takes a while, and he is impatient (especially about sex and especially when he is drunk). He has complained that he wants to be able to have "spontaneous" sex with me.
I want to be able to fulfill his sexual needs. Right now I feel inadequate. Our relationship is so much better when we're having lots of sex—he drinks less, he's in a great mood, and I want to spend time with him. It is hard to keep this up for long, though, as he becomes discouraged if we're not having lots of sex or if we are having "bad" sex (i.e., sex that I am not into because it is uncomfortable or painful). When that happens, the cycle starts again: he drinks more, he is mean, I start avoiding him, etc. I think I have a good sex drive, and I am very physically attracted to my boyfriend, but the idea of having painful sex (and the idea of having sex with an agitated man who nags me all the time for it), is a complete turn-off.

I am sick of having to choose between a mean boyfriend and obligatory, uncomfortable sex. I want to have an awesome sex life with my boyfriend. I am hoping that you or one of your doctor friends will have some advice for me about how to recover completely from my vaginismus, to have sex with more ease, and to be enthusiastic again about the idea of having intercourse. Thank you so much!

Very Anxious Girlfriend

P.S. You might be thinking something along the lines of "DTMFA." I hope that won't be your advice for me, because I am not yet willing to dump him. The description of him above sounds awful, but he is in all other respects the perfect boyfriend: sweet, sensitive, kind, loving, intelligent, sexy, and affectionate. It is only when he is drinking that he becomes mean. He is not a horrible person; he just has a mental illness (alcoholism), and he has been trying so hard to get better, but it is difficult for him. As someone with a mental illness myself (social anxiety disorder), I can appreciate that people with mental illnesses aren't defined by them, that they often aren't "crazy," and that it is very difficult to overcome them. My boyfriend is fundamentally a wonderful person, and his meanness when he is drunk is not a reflection of his true nature. Please help me figure out how to fix our sex life so I can save my relationship with my him. I am convinced that if we have a great sex life, he will drink significantly less, we will both be happier, we won't fight nearly as much, and our relationships problems will for the most part resolve. The patches of progress we've had in the past regarding our sex life have had a positive effect.

My response after the jump...

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Originally published March 17, 2005:

I'm 19 and closeted. I've been chatting with a guy on the Internet for six months and now he wants to meet. I'm convinced that he's too good for me. Aside from looks, he's out and older and I don't know why he'd want to be with someone like me. My other online friends—they're the only people I'm out to—think we should meet. I'm effing scared. I'm not going to ask you to compare our pics, but is there a concrete checklist to verify if someone is out of your league?

Insecure In Internetland

My response after the jump...

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Every once in a while you answer a letter from the aunt or the parent of a teenage girl who want to provide their daughter with sex toys but don't know how to do it without embarrassment on both sides overwhelming good intentions. Well I was watching some porn the other day and I saw the answer: the video was of a woman masturbating with a vibrating hair brush. Curious, I did a quick search and found that such a brush is readily available for sale. They advertise how good the vibration is for the scalp—maybe it is (who knows or cares)—but I think these hair brushes are purchased for stimulating the scalp about as often as those heavy-duty vibrators are purchased for sore neck muscles. My point is this: parents can pretend they think their sweet daughter is going to use it on her head, and she can pretend she's using it on her head. Everyone involved will be spared embarrassment and young ladies out there will get some needed and safe relief.

Luckily teenage boys don't never a similar problem—nobody questions us about we go through a full bottle of "hand lotion" every two weeks.

Porn Is Good

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Originally published August 31, 2006:

I'm an 18-year-old girl, going off to college, and I'm not sure how to identify myself. I started at my school in kindergarten, and stayed there until I graduated last week. Everyone there knew I liked both girls and boys, probably because I was kissing them from about third grade on.

I can't say I'm a lesbian because it's inaccurate, and I'm certainly not straight. I don't want to tell people I'm bi because 95 percent of the "bisexual" 18-year-old girls I've met were drunk straight chicks. So what do I say? "I'm a dyke, but I'll do boys, too"? "I'm bisexual, but not one of THOSE bisexuals"? Or should I just flirt with hot people and forget labels?

Not One Of THOSE Bisexuals

My response after the jump...

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I love your podcast and column. I never thought I would have a question for you but I do. Here's a little set up: I'm a 21-year-old man, I am straight, I have a longtime girlfriend. But recently I went on Casual encounters on Craigslist and saw that there is an abundance of gay men there who want to give straight guys anonymous blowjobs. My girlfriend is getting better at blowjobs but she has never given me a blowjob to completion. At most they last 2-3 minutes. She probably never will give me a blowjob to completion. But it's a thing that I would really like to experience.

At first I was looked at the posts on Casual Encounters because it was sort of fun. But I just made my own post and as you can imagine tons of gay guys replied right away and some of them seem very very eager to do this for me. I wasn't trying to be tease or anything, I just wanted to see if anyone would actually be interested.

So my question is this: Is this totally wrong? Am I being a huge dick-bag to my girlfriend? It realize this doesn't really make any sense but I don't thinking of getting blown by a guy as cheating or anything. It just seems like I'm jerking off in a new way because I'm really not attracted to guys. I know that doesn't make any sense, but my brain has rationalized it this way. So what do you think, Dan? Is this wrong?

Thank Very Much

My response after the jump...

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We hear of this problem so much that it has become the definition of redundant: Spouses that just aren’t interested.

I’m in my early 50’s and I’ve been married to the same woman for twenty years and in a committed relationship for six years before we married. In all that time, she’s never once provided any type of foreplay or reciprocated to mine. Never once initiated or provided oral sex unless I just maneuvered it up that way, because you can’t ask her verbally for fear of using improper terminology that may turn her off. And it’s not cheerful when it is provided. She acts like my dick is coated in rat poison. She never talks during sex, allows me to talk, or even opens her eyes. Up until a few years ago, the lights had to be out. And she’s only initiated sex a handful of times—years and years ago.

She does have some medical problems that make her tired and sore. I'm very considerate of this but no matter how much of the household burden I carry (most of the cleaning, all of the laundry, all the yard work), it's not enough. She ignores my romantic advances even when there are no kids around. I have to ask for sex using this phrase only: "Wanna fool around tonight?" The answer is usually, “We’ll see,” but then the ultimate answer is almost always, “I’m too tired,” or, “I haven’t had a shower.” I feel like a child asking his mommy for a cookie. It’s degrading. When we do connect, I provide very generously for her orally because it turns me on. I eat pussy like a fat kid eats cake. And as long as I’m quiet, we can have very, very vanilla sex while she lays there with her eyes closed. The majority of my married sex life has been spanking the monkey with an assist from Internet porn. She derides this, rebukes me about porn, and tells me it’s nauseating and that I need therapy.
She’s never once told me that she loved me without me having told her first. Never once initiated a simple kiss yet she kisses the dogs freely. Never hugged or touched me passionately without my initiating contact first. When I do complain or want to discuss the issue, she tells me she doesn’t like physical contact, says I’m cruel, says I don’t understand, tells me I’m sick and I’m the one that needs help. I once walked out of the relationship because of this but it devastated both of us. I realized I loved her and we reconciled.

But the intolerable twist that drives me insane: She engages in ribald banter with other men as if she’s some ready, willing, and able swallower. Years ago, before we were married but while we were already in a committed relationship, the 18 year old DJ at a New Years Eve Party asked her out. She thought it was just soooo cute and became his friend and he provided music at our wedding. She hadn't seen him years until Facebook came along. (Yes, snooped her FB.) She wrote a message to him that said she had injured herself dancing. She added: "Actually, I was humping a friend's husband, so you can see I haven’t changed!”
Really? Are you fucking kidding me?

Yet she sucks her teeth and rolls her eyes when I talk suggestively to her. And it's been going on for years. I have remained monogamous throughout despite working in a profession where everyone is fucking someone behind someone else’s back and working on their third marriage. I’m getting too old for a hall pass and wouldn’t even want to be bothered at this point in my life. I know it would never be granted anyway and the mere suggestion would ignite an epic brawl.

So, after years of same old, same old, and her continual refusal to have an adult discussion about my needs or her treatment of me, I know it ain’t changing and I don’t have time for therapy. I know any joint therapy would be directed toward my "unrealistic" expectations and my Internet use would be held up as evidence that I'm the sick one.

Is it even worth beating this old donkey anymore, Dan? And please answer this question for me: Have I been a gigantic schmuck for tolerating this shit all my life?

The Enduring Doormat

My response after the jump...

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