
To have no talent is not enough. You gotta have a gimmick.

See the NSFW full version after the cut. Also, this one is on the latest issue of Purple.

Via Debauchette, The Reverse Cowgirl (click that link to see the ad with pubes), and Refinery 29.
Merry Christmas, and mrrrrow!
So what did it take… over 2000 years? But FINALLY the world's hottest virgin makes the cover of Mexican Playboy magazine. Model Maria Florencia Onori (who's undoubtedly a virgin herself… otherwise why choose her?) stars as the Virgin Mary, and after seeing a copy, God responded, "Dude… I'd totally tap that."

ABC:
Study Reports Anal Sex on Rise Among Teens: Lack of Sex Education, Virginity Pledges, Ignorance Contribute to Risky BehaviorCarry—a Colorado college student who had been in a steady relationship for months—was recently cajoled by her boyfriend into some sexual experimentation.
He wanted to try anal sex, and even though the 20-year-old said she was "OK with the idea," she nervously downed several drinks before their lovemaking began.
Within 15 seconds, Carry — not her real name — said she was "crying and asking him to stop."
Recently, researchers at the Bradley Hasbro Children's Research Center in Rhode Island suggested that anal sex is on the rise among teens and young adults.... Experts say girls and young women like Carry are often persuaded to try [anal sex] for the wrong reasons—to please a partner, to have sex without the risk of pregnancy or to preserve their virginity. But many don't understand the health consequences.
Maybe if we had comprehensive sex education—which would cover anal and oral intercourse, and their risks and rewards—teenagers would better understand the health consequences of anal sex. As things stand now, though, even "good" sex education—good by American standards—ignores or glosses over anal intercourse.
Another note on ABC's story: it starts with the usual innocent-girl-pressured-into-anal-by-demanding-boyfriend horror story. But if you read it all the way to the end you'll learn that a lot of women are interested in anal intercourse for their own pleasure, not just for their partner's pleasure. Which makes the women-in-peril image ABC uses to illustrated the story...

...seem just a touch sensationalistic.
I'd like to give a big shout out to a very important person who was born on this date, not so very long ago! It's Britney, bitch!
For her 27th Birthday, she decided she wanted a comeback. Here she is this morning, performing Circus on Good Morning America.
I love grainy video of Brit. It gives me the sensation that I'm looking at a mythical creature, caught unawares in its natural habitat, which in Britney's case happens to be... The center ring of a circus! Ho ho! The symbolism!
In other news: I'm totally buying that top-hat, hot-pants, half-shirt ensemble as soon as I can. Talk about clothing yourself for a recession! Less fabric and more class... that's the only way!
Also born today:
Gianni Versace, Tex Watson (of the Manson family), and legendary bassist Rick Savage! Who knew December 2nd was such an auspicious day?
A few weeks ago at a party, we were all standing around in the kitchen, awkwardly introducing ourselves and talking about our jobs. Then a guy named Todd spoke up. "I'm a lab tech for Empire Labs," he said. "What's that?" I asked. "We sell kits that allow anyone to make a rubber mold of their genitalia." And from there the conversation took a whole new turn.
Turns out the hilarious penis-casting kit Clone-A-Willy is a locally made product! Be proud! Down in the SE industrial district, in the same building where it's rumored Wheaties were originally made, 15 people work in the Clone-A-Willy factory. I knew I had to take a tour. Todd happily obliged.
Todd's a funny guy. For four years he's worked customer service for Clone-A-Willy - it's his job to answer all the emails and phone calls from people who encounter problems in the process of making an exact rubber replica of their penis (read some of the more hilarious emails at the end of the post). Here he holds the **secret patented molding compounds** which the guy who founded the company developed as part of his chemistry PhD thesis.

It's also Todd's job to frequently test the product. He hangs out in the warehouse, music blasting, taking elaborate molds of pretty much every part of his body.

In his office is small a finger garden:
Just as you'd imagine, the Clone-A-Willy factory is lined to the ceiling with cardboard boxes full of oddly-named sex toys.

"Who buys all this stuff?!" I asked, admiring a product called "Dazzling Dolphin." Todd laughed. "We sell about 10,000 Clone-A-Willies a month," he said, "We are HUGE in Sweden." Their biggest buyers are all Scandinavian -- instead of being relegated to weird novelty sex stores, in Sweden Clone-A-Willies are sold from a Sears-style establishment. So that's how you keep local business robust during economic downturn.
Here in the U.S., they sell a lot to truckers and army guys, people who are away from their partners for a long time. And, of course, there's the odd bulk buys. "Last year, we sold a case of 24 to an ultimate frisbee team," says Todd. And, the dick featured in full lush color on their box is an actual frequent customer.
The big news in novelty dildo products is that their wares are now legal in Texas. According to Todd, vibrators were illegal in the Lone Star State until earlier this year.
So how's the whole casting a replica dildo thing work? To find out, we rilfed through all the produce at New Seasons to find the most phallic vegetable. This incredibly penis-like yam became our test subject:
Making your own yam dildo - below the cut!
Revived meme alert! Though you may have seen the original commercial for Mr. Spriggs BBQ running around the inter-tubes, the kind people at this sexy-fied Oklahoma eatery have given us even more of what we want... an extendo version of their dripping hot commercial that's making me damn hon-gray (and HON-AY) for some 'que. Mmmm, rib.... your meat is fallin' off the BONE.
They've successfully stripped same-sex couples of their right to wed. What's next for Magic Underpants, Inc.? Making stripping -- or "pole dancing" -- an Olympic sport.
Remember, kids: gay marriage? Sin. Humping a stripper-pole while wearing six inch heels? Sport.
Via Americablog.

Actually, if you are industrious and obsessed enough, you can see Quantum of Solace tonight at a number of midnight screenings around town. Click here to see a full list of tonight's midnight showings. For my money, the best bet is tonight's double feature at the Broadway Metroplex (1000 SW Broadway). They'll be showing the previous Bond flick, 2006's Casino Royale, at 9 pm, and then Quantum starts at midnight.
Also, this Friday night, Devil's Point (5305 SE Foster) is hosting a Bond Girl Night. I can safely say this will be approximately a billion times better than watching the gorgeous Bond girls onscreen, for two reasons: (1) The Devil's Point girls are live and three-dimensional, and (2) They will be naked. What's more, Bond girls have character names that are quite simply made to be coopted by exotic dancers. Tomorrow night will see performances by the likes of Pussy Galore, Octopussy, Penelope Smallbone, and Countess Nikita von Schlaf.
To tide you over until then, here's a pic of the newest Bond girl, Olga Kurylenko:

Gosh.

CANBERRA (Reuters) - An Australian holiday resort will hold a month-long, nude "anything goes" party to combat an expected economic downturn, media reports said on Thursday.
That's right, "anything goes." Bust out the Shea Butter and the kiwi flavored lube, it's time for some economic stimulation... if ya catch my drift.
"Tough economic times call for stiff measures," Tony Fox, the owner of the White Cockatoo resort in Mossman, in tropical Queensland state, told the Courier-Mail newspaper.
You see what Mr. Fox did there? "Stiff measures." Ohhhhh yeah. I'm not sure what's more awesome about this story: that this Aussie's named Mr. Fox, that he uses sexual innuendo when talking to news organizations, or that his resort is called the White Cockatoo.
But wait! Not everyone is stoked about this tropical bacchanalia.
"You've got to wonder what sort of people go and why. Where is the moral code of behavior and how do you stop jealousies and fights?" Cairns Catholic Bishop James Foley said after Fox's announcement.
Anyway, the Mayor, Val Schier, seems to be a-ok with the idea of a one-month-long flesh fest in his region:
"People in tropical north Queensland are extraordinarily creative," Schier said. "It is tough economic times and as long as it is with consenting adults, then there is no problem."
And guess what? Mr. Fox's scheme seems to have worked. He reports that he's nearly completely booked for what will certainly be a disturbing month of swinger shenanigans.
I hope we can all learn a few lessons from this:
One, Australia is kinda gross.
Two, Sex can save the economy.
And Three, I have no patience with the Catholic church when it accuses others of moral turpitude.

Last night's election coverage made use of holograms, and fancy new technology, and computers and blah blah blah. But as everyone knows, the only holograms worth paying any attention to are Jem and the Holograms.
Come on, you remember! The '80s kids cartoon show? Jem is a singing superstar, and the alter ego of... oh, I'll just let Wikipedia tell you.
The central "secret" of the series is that Jem is in fact the alter ego of Jerrica Benton, owner/manager of Starlight Music, who adopts this persona with the help of Synergy, a holographic computer designed to be the ultimate visual entertainment synthesizer built by her father, who left it to her on his death.Yeah, take that, technology! And how much cooler is a holographic computer synthesizer thing than Will.I.Am? About A BILLION. That's right. A billion cooler.
Just watch the show's opening credits:
Okay, a few things of note:
• The Holograms' rival band is called the Misfits. Really. The Misfits.
• As pointed out to me by Film Editor Erik Henriksen, one-third of the picture at the top of this blog post is confusing.
• More from the Wikipedia entry:
The show was originally designed to appeal to both girls and boys, with a mix of action/adventure, drama, music, and fashion. As the show progressed, the audience gradually became almost entirely girls.You don't say.
• The show's creator is one Christy Marx, who incidentally designed a King Arthur computer game that I remember playing the shit out of when I was like 10 or something. I think I even wrote her a fan letter, and she totally wrote back.
• The voice of the cartoon Jem is one Britta Phillips, who actually became a real musician, formerly playing bass in Luna and now currently half of Dean and Britta, the duo she formed with Luna bandmate and husband Dean Wareham. Also she is a total hottie. I wouldn't remark on that unless it were true. Truly Truly Truly. Look see:
Yeah.
Anyway there's tons of Jem and the Holograms stuff to watch on the interweb, and you're not getting anything done today with that hangover, so get YouTubing.

Okay, here's my theory. More so than your 21st birthday, New Year's Eve, or a wedding full of attractive (and drunk) members of the opposite sex--tonight just might be the easiest night to get laid in your entire life.
Sure, an Obama victory will be a historic night for America politics, blah, blah, blah... it will also be the perfect opportunity to hook up with a random--or not so random--partner at an after party (ours included), in the streets, on 82nd and Powell, etc.
Plus, what progressive voter worth his/her weight in "Hope" lawn signs wouldn't want to celebrate the end of the Bush years, and McCain's concession speech, with a little post-election boot-knockin'? I'm just saying, if you are single there might not ever be a better night than tonight to take a carefree trip to the boneyard with someone you just met. God bless this country.
One more thing, be sure to wear some protection. You don't want your liberal loins "fired up and ready to go," nor do you want to be part of the Obama baby boom nine months from today.
Not all of you have had sex with me. Not your fault; not my fault. However, I can imagine the frustration many of you feel who have not ever set foot (or tail) in Humpy's bedroom. For those of you dying of curiosity, here's a sneaky peek.
Playing on the "big screen" tonight... High School Musical! Any takers?
Ok, I kind of hate Diesel, but this clip made in honor of the company's recent anniversary is worth checking out, and it doesn't directly relate to jeans that you pay more for because they have been professionally trashed:
Thanks to Jonny Shultz for the tip!
If you are feeling antsy about getting this Halloween thing started (especially if you are one of those people who takes Halloween as a license to dress really, mmm, tartily), here's what I think: I think you need to go to XXX at the Mansion this Saturday night at 2242 SE 9th (at Division). It's a triple X-rated haunted house! What could you possibly have to do on Saturday night that is more important than that! It is going to feature "performances," a tattoo raffle, "gore-gore dancers," and according to a quote listed on the pdxpipeline listing it's "the kinkiest sickest adult haunted house real zombies and whores of the devil!!!" and if that description does not sell you I don't know what will. Plus, one of the performers is the punkiest of Portland's punky strippers, Malice, who promises she "will be doing my most vile performance(s) ever!"

I'm scared.
Well, it looks like Hustler Video has finished at least the first minute of their new porno parody "Who's Nailin' Palin?" starring Lisa Ann as the vice presidential wannabe. Want to see it? Don't worry, this part is absolutely hilarious and safe for work -- that is if you don't mind horny Russians looking up the Alaskan governor's dress.
Every year, the Department of Human Services surveys all the Oregon public school 8th and 11th graders about a handful of personal questions. They use the results to monitor mental health and substance abuse but for everyone the data is a treasure trove of juicy details telling us what those kids these days are up to. And they just released the 2008 8th graders report!
What do you want to know? How about how many 8th graders are actually having sex? According to them, 17.4 percent of Oregon 8th graders have had intercourse, the majority of them with only one partner. That's about the same as the stats for last year, though there's a slight gender split for both years: 16 percent of females have had sex (I feel weird using the word "female", but neither "girl" nor "woman" seems right and besides, this is science) versus about 19 percent of males ("guys").
edit: Wm. Steve Humphrey points out that the survey includes only "intercourse" as sex excluding us from knowing, sadly, the 8th grade handjob/blow job percentages these days.
Among those who had sex, 20 percent said drugs or alcohol were involved (last year was 25 percent) and 30 percent didn't use a condom... though it looks like nine percent of those condomless kids tried some sort of other birth control method, like the Pill or withdrawal. Thanks to budget cuts, not all Oregon junior highs have sex ed. That means a good number of those young males and females having sex won't learn about birth control in school for at least another year.
So what about drugs and booze? Adults are always writing about teens using the drugs and the booze, but what do the teens themselves think of it all? Turns out they view cigarettes as a bigger danger than alcohol. Here's the percentage of 8th graders who think using these substances is "very wrong":
cigarettes - 68%
alcohol - 59.8%
marijuana - 73%
LSD, coke, meth - 87.9%
And in a slam on the police - or just evidence that the 21+ drinking age is impossible to enforce - only 23 percent strongly believe that the police would catch someone their age drinking in the neighborhood. About 20 percent say that's "not true at all."
The survey's nutrition section also reveals that 15.5 percent of 8th graders didn't eat a single vegetable in the week before the survey and 34 percent only ate fruit 1-3 times. WTF?
The DHS's website is tough to navigate, but if you follow their cryptic links you might stumble onto how to look through the data yourself.

The New York Daily News reports today that although the rest of the country's jobs are slightly less than stable, the one profession seemingly unaffected by the economic crisis also happens to be the world's oldest. You got it: prostitution. Story here.
For further info on our local prostitution sagas, courtesy of Sarah Mirk, go here, here or here.

via buzzfeed

Matt Davis asked for it, and Larry Flynt delivered: Flynt's PR peeps have confirmed to the NY Daily News that Hustler Video has indeed shot a Palin-based porn. No word yet on the release date or the title, but while we eagerly await this cinematic feat, I think we can imagine where it might go. You know what to do. Title ideas in the comments below. LS
A couple of reactions to my column about Sarah Palin...
I am a straight 40 something Republican who enjoys reading your column. I never would have learned about things like pegging, donkey punching, or a myriad of other things if it wasn't for your enlightening columns. However, I grow tired of you tirades against the GOP. Can't you just stick with the kinky sex columns? Maybe you can start a political column? Then at least we know what we are in for. Your most recent column wasted half of your space just because you wanted to go off on Sarah Palin. You could have spent that time actually helping someone instead. How about it, a nice non-partison sex column?Republican Who Reads Savage Love
Why can't GOP politicians stick to politics? Why must they legislate about sex? GOP politicians are clearly obsessed about sex -- kinky and otherwise -- so maybe they should all get kinky sex columns? But until that day comes, RWRSL, I'm going to keep going after the GOP from my platform. Because, you see, the GOP keeps going after our sex lives in their party platforms.
Once again I am amazed by the need for people such as yourself to interject your political views in a piece that clearly is not political in nature. The reason why so many people are getting so turned off by today's newspapers and press is because of such bias. We read columns such as yours for entertainment not for you political opinions.But because you brought the subject up, you suggest that the choice of what to do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy should be left up to the teenager. A teenager who has not the wisdom, knowledge or life experience to fully understand the ramification of those decisions. I speak from experience. I had an abortion when I was 16 years old. I did not even question whether or not it was the right choice back then. I just reacted. It has been the "CHOICE" that has plagued me since. No one ever seems to mention the consequences that women experience after they choose an abortion. I have spoken to many, many other women who have made that similar "CHOICE" and have the same guilt and deep regret, especially now that we are parents and fully understand and appreciate the beauty of the life that grew within us. I have met many women who regret the "CHOICE" for an abortion that they made, I have yet to meet any who regret the decision that they made to keep their child.
P.
Women that choose abortion under duress -- financial or emotional duress -- or choose abortion impulsively or in ignorance of their other options are, of course, very likely to regret the decision that they made. But to then seek to deny other women the right to make the same "mistake" is, i believe, the wrong response. You should want to make sure all young women are educated about all their options -- in particular about open adoption, which allows a woman to stay involved in her child's life without having to assume the responsibilities of full-time parenting -- rather than seek to ban abortion. Even if abortion is illegal, women will still "choose" abortion. They'll just get unsafe, illegal abortions -- potentially fatal abortions.
I have spoken to many, many women that have had abortions and do not regret the choice that they made. I am, however, sorry for your pain.

Don't forget, Blogtown readers--today's your last chance to try to win $100 by entering the Mercury's Sexy Essay Contest! Details are below.
Remember losing your virginity in high school? Or college? Or (gulp!) junior high school? Did you have a hee-larious mix-up with a condom, a forbidden intimate encounter with a hot teacher, or an all-out pregnancy scare? Did you first do it in a car, at a football game, or in an empty classroom? If so, we want to hear from you--and just like in school, we want you to write an essay! In 300 words or less, detail your funniest, sexiest, weirdest, most awkward, best, or worst story about losing your virginity--and if yours is the best, you'll win $100 cash money, along with bragging (or denying) rights when your story is published in the Mercury's upcoming Back to School Issue! (Don't worry! If requested, we'll run the stories anonymously.) Email your tales of love and woe to deflowered@portlandmercury.com no later than Tuesday, September 2!
In a benefit for the Oregon Humane Society, the lovely ladies from Devils Point will be washing your car and/or dog this Saturday at 5305 SE Foster Road. What will they be wearing? Bikinis, of course.
Aside from the dog/car wash, Devil's Point is hosting a series of events. Come for the car wash, stay for the.. um... entertainment.

DAY TIME EVENTS SCHEDULE:
Bikini Car Wash: 2pm-7pm
Dog Wash: 2pm-7pm
Car Cruise-In: 2pm-7pm
Island Style Bento BBQ: 2pm-7pm
NIGHT TIME EVENTS SCHEDULE:
Exotic Dancers: 9pm-Close
Fire Dancers: 9pm-Close
Live Music by BAND OF DIOS
(featuring members of Western Aerial and Tri-Polar) - 10pm-11pm
C'mon. It's for a good cause. Are you going to tell this poor puppy you don't like exotic dancers enough to help him? Hmmm? Of course not.

The following notice is printed in the paper that's currently hitting the streets, but there's no reason at all to leave the denizens of Blogtown out of the loop. The short version: The Mercury's looking for funny, awkward, and horrifying stories of school-related sex for our upcoming Back to School issue! The long version:
Remember losing your virginity in high school? Or college? Or (gulp!) junior high school? Did you have a hee-larious mix-up with a condom, a forbidden intimate encounter with a hot teacher, or an all-out pregnancy scare? Did you first do it in a car, at a football game, or in an empty classroom? If so, we want to hear from you--and just like in school, we want you to write an essay! In 300 words or less, detail your funniest, sexiest, weirdest, most awkward, best, or worst story about losing your virginity--and if yours is the best, you'll win $100 cash money, along with bragging (or denying) rights when your story is published in the Mercury's upcoming Back to School Issue! (Don't worry! If requested, we'll run the stories anonymously.) Email your tales of love and woe to deflowered@portlandmercury.com no later than Tuesday, September 2!
So there you go. Get to it.
LEGAL NOTICE: Okay, so despite the image above, the Mercury's essay contest might not be "officially" endorsed by Tina Fey. But we like to think she'd probably be pretty cool with it.
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KILLED BY BEARS