I am an 20 year-old male in a serious long-distance relationship. I have been seeing this girl for over a year, and I know I love her. I can't wait to see her and feel as if the emotional connection between us will not weaken, and she feels the same way. The problem is the sex-life (or the lack there-of).

We see each other once every couple months, which isn't a problem for me. In the in-between time I have masturbation and it's enough to satisfy my high libido while we are apart. The issue is that when we do see each other, she seems a borderline prude, and feels uncomfortable with me touching her. She has a very low libido and claims not to masturbate. While I understand that everyone has their personal boundaries and sexual preferences, I have a hard time getting used to this kind of anti-sexual encouragement. I don't want to be an asshole and I also don't know what to do. I will stay with her regardless, I love her, and the love we share means more to me than anything. But I feel this issue may cause problems in the future.

Am I being selfish? Will things change?

Love Interest's Bed Issues, Desiring Orgasms

My response after the jump...

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Hey, Dan! I love your column; read it every chance I get. I'm a 19-year-old girl with a question. I consider myself straight in the respect that I could only ever see myself in a romantic, committed relationship with a man, and thus far I've only ever been with dudes. However, I find women extremely attractive and the idea of fucking a lady turns me WAY on. Like I said, I don't feel like I could ever be in a long-term relationship with a woman (although I'm not opposed to trying new things) and don't particularly have the desire to do so, but they are so hot! What would I be "classified" as? Not that I'm all into labels, I'm just curious. Would I be a bi-curious heterosexual? Or just straight up bisexual? Or something else? Just wondering! Thanks for the help,

Can't Understand, Need Tutorial

My response—a brief one, with a link—after the jump.

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I'm writing to you because I suspect you'll confirm something I am pretty sure is true, but all my friends are telling me isn't true (probably because they want to be nice). I'd like an honest answer once and for all.

See, I'm an overweight woman. Not obese, but chubby—not big enough for fat fetishists, I've been told, but still quite a bit larger than what's conventionally considered attractive. The problem is that I like conventionally attractive men—confident guys with classically handsome faces who look like they take care of themselves. But the only dudes who seem interested in me are old men who hit on me in bars, and geeky, socially awkward guys who I suspect see me as approachable because of my weight. I'm not blanket criticizing men in those categories; they're just not my type and I don't feel like I need to settle. I tried lowering my standards and met a really sweet guy, but I found his meekness, lack of self esteem and doughy body unattractive, and it wasn't sexually fulfilling for me. I'm not doing it again.

I see a direct connection between my socially undesirable body type and the fact that the men I like don't want me. My friends say it's all down to my attitude, but I don't think I would attract ANYONE if that was true. I do get some interest, just not from anyone who really interests me. I take generally good care of myself (probably don't exercise as much as I should, obviously); I have a pretty face and I present myself well, but it does nothing for me. Meanwhile, even the meanest of my thinner friends always manage to date the kind of men I'd love to have a shot with. So let's cut to the chase here—the best explanation for my not bagging hot dudes is my extra poundage, right?

I Can Handle The Truth

My response after the jump...

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Yeah, so I'm a 17-year-old lesbian and decided to be big and brave and come out to my parents. I did the whole "born this way," "please accept me," etc., that I'm sure everyone tries.

Things got pretty damn quiet, which was actually a good reaction in my books because my parents are kind of religious and the words "conversion therapy" were once-upon-a-time raised at the table as a good thing to have available to gay kids, so... I thought things went kind of well considering.

And then, guess what? My parents decided to have a nice sit down with me tonight and beside them is my Dad's laptop and on it is one of your videos on YouTube, which I though was pretty darn weird considering my parents usual tastes in entertainment. What played then was your video on women's sexuality with that lovely quote about your five lesbian friends—three of whom are now married to men. Bravo Dan, way to throw a sister under the bus. Because now my parents are taking your word as a fellow homosexual that there is no such thing as a woman being totally gay and that with a bit of therapy I can drag myself back to "straight."

Newsflash, Dan: I've never been into dudes. Like, ever. Always known it, from back when I prayed to God when playing spin the bottle it would land on my girl friends and not one of the guys. So some girls might like to swap and change, but others don't.

Not that I think you'll ever read this, but on the small off chance that you do, well, YOU SUCK. Like, so much. Think about what you say before you say it next time! I get that it obviously wasn't what you were trying to say. You saying that lesbians can change what gender they like is just made of fail.

Pissed Off Dyke

My response—and an epic email exchange with POD—after the jump.

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Thanks for bringing Ira Glass on the "Savage Lovecast" to give sex advice! I listen to you all the time, and love you, but Ira brought things to a whole new level of Ira-ness. I would LOVE to hear him on the "Savage Lovecast" again, talking about sex! YES! Thanks again for your general awesomeness!

Diane

This is today's SLLOTD because this is the only kind of letter I've been getting in my "Savage Love" email inbox since the Ira Glass episode of the "Savage Lovecast" went up. Have you listened yet? It's here. And Ira says he'd love to come back on and give some more sex advice and say all the words he can't say on his own show—words like "fart." LISTEN!

Your last SLLOTD struck my fancy and I responded to the couple looking for a unicorn in NYC. I am somewhat familiar with the unicorn community. I didn't choose to be labeled a unicorn; flattered, yes, but it's not the only thing I'm interested in. Most of the time I'm just happy to be a horse. In fact, I had a conversation recently with a friend in which we observed that the term "unicorn" doesn't even accurately apply to bi women anymore—single, hot, up-for-threesomes bi women—because they seem so common these days. The new unicorn is the bi-male, Dan, because a decent (everyone equally involved) MMF threeway is so much harder to put together than an FFM one.

I wrote to Penny&Marco and am in contact with them and I've been offering them some advice based on my experiences as a "unicorn" (by the more accepted female definition) in NYC and thought maybe you'd be interested in hearing my advice and sharing it with your readers. I've been reading your column for the last 14 years and am so indescribably grateful for your advice that I have to offer at any opportunity I might have to help by sharing my experiences. The pic I've enclosed, btw, is hopefully just to prove my assertion that I fit the term "unicorn," at least for the hot part, if you're going to accept my advice as any sort of guest "expert." Here goes:

1. My first tip is to use OkCupid. Many people think it's only for this or that type of dater. The problem is that you have to stay on the site for a few months in order for it to adapt to your needs (e.g. if you're rated in the top 50% of attractiveness, you are only shown to others in the top 50%; elitist sure, but just an example of how it helps narrow it down). Many people sign up and expect it to work right away or they give up. I've been up on it for about two years, I get a lot of messages from couples and people in open relationships because I am in the system as a bi-female who doesn't believe in monogamy and is cool with open relationships, among many other subtle indicators of who I'm interested in and who should be interested in me. That OKC even allows these indicators may make them pretty unique in the dating site realm. That's where couples should start.

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If you haven't read today's Savage Love Letter of the Day, I urge you to do so immediately—especially if you feel like becoming ENRAGED WITH ENVY. Nutshell: Two wildly sexy people (photo attached, OMG) are complaining because the equally sexy girl they want to have a threesome with is engaged.

#SexyWhitePeopleProblems

Anyway, I would happily murder every kitten in the world to boink these two, and it's incredibly frustrating to know that a) they'd never boink me in a billion years, and 2) even if they did want to boink me, they'd ultimately say "no thanks" at the last minute because I murdered all those kittens.

Seriously, READ THIS THING. It will simultaneously make you horny and lose all will to live.

We’re a happily married couple who, after a lot of thought and conversations, have decided that we want a threeway with another woman. Through Craigslist, we found a woman who is everything we’re looking for with just one problem: she’s engaged. Her fiance doesn’t know anything about what she’s doing: doesn’t know we exist, doesn’t know that she’s looking, and doesn’t even know she wants a threeway.

We’ve encouraged her to be open with her fiance and see if we could possibly do this without deceiving him, but she says that’s a non-starter. There are no extenuating circumstances; he’s doesn't have an unusually low libido or anything like that. For her, it’s a last chance to do something wild before she gets married, and we’re pretty sure she’s going to have a threeway whether it’s with us or with another couple. But we just don’t think it’s ethical to help her be a cheating POS (after all: we’re not devout Catholics like Callista Gingrich).

Are we making the right ethical call here? We’d really like to fuck this girl (and she’d really like to fuck us), but right now we’re leaning towards telling her that if she can’t do this without reaching some kind of understanding with her fiance, then she can’t do it with us.

We attached a photo in the hope that it will encourage a response. Thanks!

Penny And Marco

P.S. We’re huge fans of your column and your podcast. You’ve made our sex life better, our marriage stronger. So thanks.

My response—and, yes, the picture—after the jump.

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So this might be the most pointless correction you've ever received in an email, but Ross didn't light tea candles and put rose petals everywhere for Rachel... Monica did it when she proposed to Chandler. Unless there's something I'm forgetting, but I think this is the scene you were thinking of. Love your advice.—Beth

You are a pathetic loser leading young people straight to hell like a wicked pied piper! Repent of your sins and quit!—David N.

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From your most recent column: "the holesome story of Newt and Callista’s courtship." I see what you did there, Dan, but I thought it was a typo at first. A cursory search on Google came up empty, even on Urban Dictionary. I think you just coined yourself a new term.—Brent R.

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I'm the wife in the "femdom" marriage that was mentioned in your most recent column. Could you let my brother-in-law know that the humiliation, the spankings, and the cuckolding were all his brother's ideas? I wasn't kinky when we met but I was a "Savage Love" reader and I was GGG and I've come to adore my husband's kinks. (I do whatever I want and he does whatever I say? What's not to like?) Tell my brother-in-law that we'll be careful to edit photos more carefully in the future. But if he doesn't want to hear about his brother getting spanked, humiliated, or cheated on, HE SHOULD STOP READING OUR BLOG.—The Good Wife

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From this week's column: "Reassure him that you're not a duckling—you're not going to imprint on the first dick you see—but that you wanted him to know..." Wouldn’t that be a “dickling”? I knew a girl like that back in high school.—Bill S.

I've been together with my wife for ten years, married for five of them. I love her very much and we have a pretty healthy relationship, sexual and otherwise. My problem is before I met her I occasionally would use the services of a sex worker. I stopped this when I met her, but eventually drifted back into doing this from time to time—several times a year (at least). Despite long periods of restraint, I would still sometimes indulge in a visit to a "massage parlor," strip club, or just see an old fashioned hooker. The sex was almost always unfulfilling, but I think I liked the adventure of it, the ritual of finding someone, finding a place, getting there, etc. I always used protection and got tested periodically to make sure I didn't bring anything home.

I've finally decided that I wanted to stop this behavior, for all the obvious reasons. I love my wife, and she has recently been trying to draw out my fantasies to give us a fuller sex life. I've been hesitant to really share my fantasies with her because I don't know how to without admitting I tried some of this stuff. I need some help moving from a secretive, sexually obsessed dude to a more GGG partner. I haven't seen a therapist as a) I think I've actually done a pretty good job of figuring out my motives, rationales, etc, and b) I'm not sure I could pay for one without my wife finding out. I can't see any benefit from telling her the truth about my past—I think it would only make her upset, and possibly threaten the relationship. Do you have any advice?

Just Old Hetero Nympho

My response after the jump...

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I'm a straight guy, but I met a beautiful, wonderful transwoman a year ago. We started dating (or at the very least, fucking) a couple of months ago, and I was falling for her pretty hard. I thought the feeling was mutual. We both seemed pretty infatuated, and I thought everything was going great.

And then tonight hit me out of nowhere. When she said, "I can't do exclusivity," I braced myself. I knew that all her previous relationships had been open or polyamorous. I'm a pretty inherently monagomous guy, but I really like her, and I understand exclusivity is a difficult and perhaps even ridiculous thing, and I was a disciple of the great Dan Savage to boot. So, hell. I liked her. Maybe we could try to work out some sort of open relationship? Figure something out? Salvage it a bit? That is when she says, "I can't prioritize one person above anybody else." And that's when I realize we're talking about two different things, and about when the bottom of stomach falls out.

I'm just confused and feel blindsided. Is that normal? Is that a normal thing to say? Is that how open relationships typically work; not prioritizing one person above anybody else? Is it crazy that I want to have a special connection with this woman, to put her first and maybe have that reciprocated? This is the first I've encountered this particular line. "I can't prioritize one person above anybody else."

Do people like this really exist? Unable to "prioritize" love? Unable to or uninterested in having a primary person in their life? Also, I really think I need to hear this from somebody, and it'd be extra-final coming from you... I was just dumped, right?

About To Go Drink Myself Into Oblivion

My response after the jump...

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I work at a small company in a small, conservative Midwestern town. Like you would expect from a small town, we have a fair number of VERY conservative religious types in positions of power in our company.

Here's the deal: We just hired a new employee. He has a rare skill set and he's moved across the country to work here. He's gay. He's not closeted or shy about it, but his sexual orientation doesn't come up in conversation. Mine doesn't either (I'm straight). He's a good guy, good at what he does, and I want him to succeed here.

My conservative coworkers are so conservative that their is to assume that everyone is straight and evangelical, and any deviation from that narrow worldview isn't even on their radar. (They were shocked to learn I was Catholic!) When they discover Coworker is gay, it'll be a real shock—one they probably need, but a shock nonetheless. I'm not suggesting that Coworker closet himself just so a few narrow-minded fucks can feel comfortable, but I do want to warn him that there are some narrow-minded fucks in management so that he doesn't walk into a situation that can be avoided.

How do I help Coworker out? Do I keep my nose out of it, or is there something I should say? Is this any of my business? I've had gay coworkers before, but those were at far more open-minded workplaces. This is a first for me. I'm hoping for a "Mind your own damn business" here, Dan, but I'm open to whatever advice the Great Dan Savage is willing to bestow upon me.

Meddling Midwestern Coworker

P.S. I owe you some thanks, Dan. In school, I was a closed-minded anti-gay asshole. I'd say through ignorance, more than anything. I've been reading your column for years, and you convinced me to go out and educate myself about people who are different than me. It worked. My friends are a more diverse group than they would have been, and as a result, I lead a richer, fuller life. I have a daughter now and I can promise you she is being raised with an advantage I never had as a kid: an open mind. Thanks.

My response after the jump...

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and we are perfect for each other and we have plans to get married. Our relationship is perfect except for the fact that we don't have sex as much as I would like to. I am a sexual person and have always been, but my boyfriend is the opposite. He has a very low sex drive so he is perfectly happy with having sex once a week if that. I could live with two but would prefer more. When we do have sex it's amazing! I love him so much and he is everything I want in a guy but this one problem is a big one. My self esteem is greatly affected by this and I am way too nervous to initiate sex because I always get rejected, which always ends up with us getting into a huge fight. When he does want to have sex it is always planned and never spontaneous. Since we don't have sex that much it's always over quickly so I try to prolong foreplay which gets too routine. We have talked about this so many times and he says that when he says no to sex I get upset and that makes sex a huge deal which makes it feel like a chore for him. I understand what he means but I would be happy if once in awhile he would go with it when I am coming on to him. One of the problems that could be holding us back is the fact that I live with my parents, so we always have to be quite, which is never fun. We try to have sex as often as we can when my parents are not home but that rarely happens. Do you have any advise for me? Thank you!

Very Frustrated Girlfriend

My response after the jump...

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Newt: "Let me be quite clear: the story is false, every personal friend I have who knew us in that period says the story is false, we offered several of them to ABC to prove it was false."

Let me be quite clear: Newt wasn't claiming that the story about his six-year affair with a congressional staffer twenty years his junior was false—the third Mrs. Gingrich was there last night—just the story about Newt asking his ex-wife to agree to an open marriage. That was false. (Callista "Devout Catholic" Gingrich was down with the open marriage: "Callista doesn't care what I do," Newt allegedly told his ex-wife.)

So... Newt Swingrich got a huge round of applause from a GOP debate audience packed with God-fearin', traditional-marriage-lovin', gay-marriage-hatin' social conservatives... for insisting that he cheated on his second ex-wife for six years like a good Christian. He did not ask his second ex-wife for an open marriage. An honest open relationship was never on the table. Newt and Callista's adulterous relationship was grounded in lies and deceit and betrayal from the start and Newt never wavered from that path. Newt never tried to negotiate an agreement—not even a retroactive one—that would have allowed him to sleep around and remain married. Newt did not ask his most recent ex-wife for an open marriage and he won't ask any of his future ex-wives for an open marriage.

Because that would be wrong.

Clap clap clap.

(Who are these friends who knew Newt and his second ex-wife and can "prove" her story is false? Were they present during these conversations between Newt and his second ex-wife?)

I was diagnosed with MS one year ago. I am a happily married straight woman. We have been married for 15 years and together for 16. The MS effects my left side, which sucks cause I'm a lefty. Basically I feel broken. I can't hold my left leg up unless I use my hand to do it. I don't think this bothers my hubby, but it bothers me. I think it effects my sex drive. I don't want it as much. It is just another way I'm broken. I can't chase my toddler around, I have no balance, I must walk with a cane. I can't do things I used to without getting tired.

But my question for you: how do I stop feeling broken in bed?

Broken Seeking Help

My response after the jump...

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I live with my boyfriend of 10 months. It's awesome: we both have extremely high libidos, we're both into D/s stuff, we're both sensitive romantics, we're both intellectual, we share the same level of religious commitment, etc. However... two months after we started dating, Boyfriend told me that he wanted me to lose weight. It destroyed my self-confidence. He brings it up every time we have some kind of disagreement—but always very sweetly and concernedly. I'm between grad school and gainful employment at the moment, and I've been really depressed. Boyfriend says he'll have to break up with me for his own mental health if I don't get psychological help... and go to the gym every day. Everyone who hears this thinks I should break up with him, but I'm so in love with him that I've convinced myself that this is harder for him than it is for me. What do I do?

Foolish And Tearful

My response after the jump...

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Long time reader, first time writer, etc. What the hell is this? I was (I swear!) reading an innocuous NYT article, about an Opus Dei school in Washington D.C. where Santorum (the person) sent two of sons. They mentioned the word cilice. A few clicks on Google brought to that site. Questions for a sex columnist:

1. Made by Italian Nuns?

2. Is Rick Santorum wearing some (or all) of this stuff DURING the debates?

3. Is the point of a 3-link full-waist cilice over a 1-link cilice that it gets you "closer to God" (read: off) quicker, or is it just a size-queen thing?

4. Could the proprietors and nuns really think all of their sales are due to abstinent Numenarys?

5. Is this a brave new world of abstinent sex toys?

These Opus Dei guys party a little too hard for my tastes. I am more pleased at my lapsed Catholicism today after discovering it.

Maybe All Sales Owed2 Catholic Higher-ups

My response after the jump...

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In the late '90s I was 15 and the only out gay kid in my high-school in Silverdale, WA. I was lucky enough to be apart of a program run by the Kitsap County Health Department to create the first GLBTQ Youth Program in the area. In attendance was usually me, my boyfriend, and a rotating assortment of random lesbian girls. We decided to host a town hall meeting discussing harassment of GLBTQ youth in local schools. To help promote the event I called into your radio show that you had at the time on Sunday nights. The event was to be held at the Silverdale Community Center, on Silvedale Way, in Silverdale, WA. I remember you thinking that was funny. When I called in, you and the others on your show were talking about gay bathhouses and your dislike of them. Without realizing how old I was, you brought me on the air and asked me if i had been to a bathhouse. I told you no, I had never been to one, and you made me promise on the air that I would never go to a bathhouse.

To this day have never been to one.

It's a great story to tell at parties—that at 15 I promised Dan Savage that I would never step foot in a bath house—and everyone gets a kick out of it. I don't know if you remember me or not, Dan, but I just wanted to thank you for being a positive role model and for giving me and others permission to express our true selves. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Older Wiser Grateful

Thank you, OWG, and... gosh.

I don't usually run letters about how awesome I am—and modesty prompted me to cut an additional paragraph that detailed just how awesomely awesome I am—but I'm making an exception for OWG's letter on account of the bathhouse detail. My detractors accuse me of promoting the worst excesses of gay sex culture. That is has never been the case. So, like, suck on that, detractors.

As for you, OWG, thank you for writing, thank you for staying the hell out of bathhouses, and thank you for coming out in high school back in the '90s and working so hard to make things better for the LGBT kids in your school at the time and the ones who came up after you. You were and remain a role model and an inspiration.

I hope I get an answer from you, either on your column or just via e-mail. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this.

I have been married for ten years, I love my husband, he is a good man and I don't want to leave him. We almost never have sex, maybe twice a month if I'm lucky. I would prefer everyday. I have only been with two people in my life, both men, and I always wished I had met a nice girl, but that never happened when I was single.

Here is my question, is this sex deprived bi-curious woman a cheating piece of shit if she discretely dates another woman? My hope is to meet a nice woman, maybe another sex-deprived bi-curious wife like me, and have a "friend's with benefits" relationship.

So, am I a cheating piece of shit? Nothing has happened yet. I don't feel like its cheating. I have no desire to cheat on my husband with a man. I just want to explore myself and explore these feelings for women. I want something he can't give me, Dan, but I don't want to leave him or feel endlessly resentful about how little sex I'm able to have any longer.

Bi-Curious And Sex-Starved

My response after the jump...

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