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Portland's Worst Person


Portland's Worst Person

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Rebirth of the Cool


Rebirth of the Cool

Kamasi Washington Takes Jazz to the Masses


Thursday, July 30, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Straightish

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Jul 30, 2015 at 9:55 AM

I am a woman who finds the occasional woman sexually attractive. It is a physical desire, not an emotional one, and sex for me has always been more of an emotional experience (I get clingy after sex and have no desire for an emotional relationship with a woman), so I've never really acted on it and have rounded myself up to straightish and moved on. My fantasies don't always revolve around women, and are highly varied in the gender of the participants and the activities involved.

I've met and fallen in love with a great, smart, strong, and sex-positive man. We are getting married in a few months, and couldn't be happier. He knows about my straightish orientation. I'm having the best sex of my life, and it keeps getting better. But my straightish orientation coupled with my rather androgynous clothing style—I work in IT, and am taken more seriously when I don't dress too girly, besides, it is comfortable—have him worried that I am some deeply closeted lesbian. I can tell that he is genuinely concerned, and only wants me to be happy. But this is coming up often enough (a few times a week) to the point where I am starting to question myself. I've never "come out" about this to anyone else, and frankly wish that he would just get over it already. I know that he is the person for me, but I'm trying to figure out how to get him to move on. Reassurances aren't cutting it. I'm 40, not 20, so this isn't my first rodeo.

I'm Good With Straightish

Continue reading »

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Magical Beasts

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Jul 29, 2015 at 9:55 AM

Gay guy in my early 30s here. Last night, with my boyfriend's permission, I engaged in a kinky hookup/play party with some guys from a kink site. It was amazing! I honestly feel like a new man; I got to explore a part of me I hadn't enjoyed in a while. I want to thank you, first, for teaching me that I can have this and a stable relationship at the same time. I don't think I ever would have realized that on my own. Now my two questions:

1. Would it be creepy or nice of me to text a thank-you note to the ones whose numbers I got at the party? A good time was had by all, and there was plenty of talk of meeting up again, but I don't want to come on too strong or creep anybody out.

2. I texted a friend to say I'm no longer a "gay unicorn," since this is my first brush with non-monogamy, unlike seemingly most other partnered gay men. She pointed out that that "unicorn" is a term for bi women into mixed-sex threeseomes, which is fair, but I also felt like a mythical animal, since you've called gay men who are into threesomes "horses." So how does "pegasus" sound for the strictly monogamous gay male crowd?

Perhaps Erstwhile Gay Anomaly Shall Undertake Sexting?

P.S. I'm happy to give you lurid details off the record, but there are no pics to send you.

Continue reading »

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

This News Anchor Knows A LOT About Sex Toys

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Jul 28, 2015 at 10:14 AM

In this clip from Nevada's Channel 2 morning newscast, the female anchor shares the story of Amazon eclipsing Walmart as the largest retailer in the world. Want to know why? The male anchor explains that it's all about SEX TOYS—and a hilariously awkward silence ensues. Enjoy your breakfast cereal! SEX TOYS!!

Savage Love Letter of the Day: No Way Out

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jul 28, 2015 at 9:55 AM

I saw you on CBS Sunday Morning and I was drawn in with your genuine and feeling words. My living room is usually silent with only my husband and myself, but yesterday morning our visiting adult kids were wondering why CBS was on—and why there was so much talk about sex. You followed a piece on Masters and Johnson.

All day after their departure I sat in uncomfortable silence with my husband—our usual routine—thinking about writing to you concerning my dilemma. I have often thought of starting my own blog concerning my situation: I'm in my fifties, I'm married, and I'm annoyed 98% of the time by my spouse. This must be a symptom of not having sex for 12 years. And I am wondering... how do I remedy this nightmare? Most of my days are adventures in trying to figure out how I can survive this for one more day..

We've been married 22 years. He's my third husband. We have five children together and eight grandchildren. We are very active in the lives of three of our grandchildren. The two of us are an institution. We are "home base" for so many lives and I feel I cannot leave my husband because of that. I had my share of divorce in my early years—a string of abusive relationships/marriages.

Mostly I am hungry for touch. I want to be held, to be kissed, to be cuddled, and to have sex. No sex for 12 years is like a prison sentence. For the past eight years we have slept in separate bedrooms. When our youngest daughter moved out I took her room and turned it into my oasis. I put a lock on my door and won't let anyone in there. The rest of the house is all my husband. It's a big mess. He is a hoarder of junk, he puts nothing away, there's a corner in the living room where he plays video games on his phone and creeps on my Facebook all day and night. I love to have conversations. He only can only argue and he is incessantly negative and racist. When I am overwhelmed by his rantings I go to my room and lock the door.

I have survived so many difficulties in my life—domestic violence in prior relationships, a car accident that nearly killed me, a cancer diagnoses—but I possess an amazing will to survive and to overcome. But my marriage has me drowning in unhappiness. I struggle each moment I am awake with what I need to do. Do I hate him? No. I am not romantically in love with him. I have feelings for him of some kind. Maybe it is a love of some sort. But I don't like who he is though.

We stopped having sex—my choice—after so many years of crying in the dark after sex because he was never making love to me. He had to fantasize aloud about other women each time. Then came porn on the internet there and "experiments" that often ended with him hurting me physically. I vowed to never have sex with him again one night and that was it: Absolutely no intimacy of any kind for twelve years.

So what to do? I do not want to hurt my kids and grandkids but how do I overcome this? Any thoughts or advice? I am desperately in need of someone else's input.

I loved your piece on the show. You do good work with your life.

Grandma Is Dying Inside

Continue reading »


Monday, July 27, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gone Camping

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Jul 27, 2015 at 9:59 AM

My partner and I consider ourselves to be monogamish and/or open. We hadn't tested the idea of having sex with anyone else until recently—we had fooled around with others, but no sex—and it went very poorly. My partner thinks I'm the one who handled it poorly and cannot be monogamish due to jealously, and I think he handled it poorly and needs to communicate better and care about how I feel.

We went to a fun camping event this past weekend and my partner met someone he liked a lot. He proceeded to ignore me for all of Saturday in favor of hanging with her and this led to an argument Sunday morning. I told him I felt like he was prioritizing her over me and that it did not make me feel happy and was hurting me. He seemed to get it and we spent time together on Sunday.

I had given him permission on Saturday—prior to feeling ignored, although to be fair, I never revoked that permission—to make out with the woman we had met. On Monday morning, I woke up alone and went looking for my partner. I walked up to find them beginning to engage in sex. My partner didn't seem to be worried about me walking in, but I felt horrified. We had not discussed sex at all, and when he gave me the "thumbs up, thumbs side, thumbs down signal," I thumbed down. He stopped the sex and I told him we needed to talk. He asked if he could meet me back at camp and I agreed, assuming he wanted to smooth things over with the woman. I was correct, but apparently to him that meant finishing fucking her.

This feels like a 100% betrayal to me. Not only did he not discuss having sex with her ahead of time, he continued having sex with her after I had veto'd her very clearly. This felt like cheating. He seems to understand why he should have talked to me first and asked my permission to fuck, and he says he will do "better in the future," but he does not see anything wrong with finishing fucking her. He says he was trying to make her feel less awkward and empathized with her feelings of unhappiness. However, he seems to have no empathy for me sitting in camp upset for 45 minutes waiting for him to come back to talk about this, and instead he gets defensive with me.

He is a long-time reader of yours, Dan, and he respects your opinion. Am I wrong that this seems like cheating and betrayal? I feel like communication is so important to do this correctly, and I think he was the one who dropped the ball, not me. I'm worried we may not recover from this first foray in to being open.

Can't Erase That Image

P.S. And I've just now been catching up on SLLOTDs and I see a recent question was somewhat similar, so I feel like you probably don't see a problem with how he acted as far as not discussing ahead of time, but the betrayal for me was more the ignoring my veto—how can I possibly trust that he will ever listen when I veto someone when he didn't with the very first one? Perhaps this question is too similar to the other one, but he sees no problem with ignoring my veto in this case and I was hoping you may have some insight.

Continue reading »

Friday, July 24, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: How Can a Teacher Show Support for a Trans Student with Unsupportive Parents?

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Jul 24, 2015 at 9:59 AM

I'm an eighth-grade teacher at a public school in the South and I will have a trans student in class next year. I know this because I purposely requested him, knowing that his school year would be much worse with some of my colleagues. Last year there was a big issue with the student about being called his preferred name—because his parents refuse to recognize his gender identity and make him go by his birth (female) name. The other students were told that they had to call him by his given name as well, but they pretty much refused and use his preferred name constantly. The school's policy is to only use nicknames that are approved or acceptable to parents, but that's exactly the problem in this case. It's not exactly feasible to avoid using a name or pronoun for a whole school year, but I don't want to be yet another adult making this young man feel less than or unwelcome in a classroom. So, uh, any help?

Public School Teacher

First things first, PST: I want to thank you—thank you thank you thank you—for making sure this boy would be in your classroom next year and not in the classroom of a transphobic colleague. The transgender suicide attempt rate is staggeringly high—over 40 percent (nine times the national average)—and hostile family members are a huge contributing factor to suicide attempts by trans youth and other queer kids. But the moral support of even just one understanding, empathetic adult can make all the difference for a trans, lesbian, bi, or gay kid who isn't getting any support at home. So thank you. (I wish I could personally thank all the students who ignored the shitty, bigoted, possibly illegal, and potentially traumatizing order to continue calling this boy by his birth name instead of his preferred/actual name. They're also making a difference for the boy.)

I passed your letter along to Chris Hampton, youth and program strategist for the ACLU LGBT and HIV Project, and she had a lot of great information and resources to share. I'm going to get out of the way now and let Chris do the big download...

Continue reading »

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Why Couldn't He Follow the Rule?

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Jul 22, 2015 at 9:59 AM

My last relationship was monogamish, at points. I always told my ex-boyfriend how far things would go with a third BEFORE I had a date. When I said "nothing will happen," nothing but flirting happened—no kissing, no groping, nada. I wanted my boyfriend to do the same when he went on a date with a third, i.e. just tell me how far things would go: kissing, making out, intercourse. They were his limits to set, and telling me ahead of time allowed me to prepare emotionally for what was coming.

Twice, with two different women, in a span of three weeks, he went beyond the limits he'd set.

The first time, I was understanding. The second time, I was super pissed. Granted, these weren't huge transgressions—just smooching or making out when he'd said nothing would happen—but I nevertheless felt that if he couldn't set and adhere to limits in small ways, how could I trust him to honor a BIG promise, like to always use condoms? It felt like he was always renegotiating in the moment—and without me present.

When I got pissed after the second incident, he responded by closing his end of the relationship because he just couldn't state limits ahead of time and adhere to them. All he would tell me is "you come first." In most respects, I was very GGG. All I wanted was for him to set some boundaries for himself and to honor them. Was it unreasonable to expect him to state his limits—whatever HE wanted them to be!—and then stick to those stated limits on a date with someone else, which ideally allowed him to do whatever he wanted AND me to be emotionally prepared for whatever happened?

This relationship imploded for other reasons, but should this issue ever come up again, I'd like your opinion. In a monogamish situation, is my wanting my partner to set ahead-of-date boundaries and stick with them unreasonable?

Stumped For Clever Name

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Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Memory Hole

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jul 21, 2015 at 9:59 AM

I am a 30-year-old straight man married to a wonderful 29-year-old bisexual woman. We have been married almost three years and together for five, and we have a beautiful two-year-old son. Our marriage is monogamish—occasional threesomes, leeway to make out with other people with prior consent—and despite the normal stressors of parenting and work life, our relationship is happy, stable, and fulfilling. I love my wife, and she is the best thing to ever happen to me. Even though I feel like I have hit the jackpot, today, I am very stressed.

This past weekend I attended an arts event in a large city two states over with my wife, our son, and several of our friends. At this festival, one of my best friends ran into a girl whose name he did not know. But despite not knowing her name, he knew her face—three years prior, in the same city, he hooked up with her at my bachelor party. She approached my friend and me at a bar, told us how hot we were, and asked if she could party with us that night. Being drunk and high out of our minds, having a hot girl hitting on us with absolutely no effort on our part? It felt like the best idea in the world.

After the bar closed, we went back and partied at another friend’s house with the rest of the bachelor party group. At some point, my best friend and I wound up in a room with this girl, and there was kissing between all three of us. I don’t remember all of the details concerning exactly how things progressed, but I do know that once it felt like sex was an inevitability, I managed to pull it together and leave the room. I did make out with this girl, but I kept all of my clothes on, and we did not fuck each other—orally, manually, or otherwise. My friend stayed with her that night, presumably having the time of his life, and the next morning she was gone. No names exchanged, no friendship on social media, no photos, no nothing.

After this occurred, I struggled deeply over whether to tell my soon-to-be-wife. Before leaving for the bachelor trip, she requested that I not make out with any strippers, and I agreed. Given this entirely reasonable request, I felt like making out with someone from the real world was several orders of magnitude worse than making out with a stripper. I felt extremely guilty. I thought long and hard about what to do and decided that because I didn’t do anything sexually that could jeopardize my wife’s health or my own AND given that our wedding was just two months away at the time AND not wanting to add to my wife’s stress AND given that this occurred in a large city with over a million people AND my friends and I were never going to see this girl again... I concluded that the considerate thing to do was to shove the whole ordeal down the memory hole. I didn’t see any benefit to telling my wife beyond unburdening myself of my own guilt.

Fast-forward to the present, and my best friend and this girl have really hit it off. They spent all evening at the arts event together, and he slept at her house that night. I am thrilled that my friend has found someone he is enthusiastic about—a rarity for him—but the bottom line is I imagine that this girl will be around my friend group (and my wife) on a semi-regular basis from here on out. So now, despite astronomically improbable odds, it appears that fate has intervened and I have to once again decide whether to tell my wife what happened at the bachelor party. I am relatively certain that if I don’t tell her—and tell her quickly—lies about the situation will compound and turn what was once a considerate omission into a betrayal. I love my wife more than anything and am devastated that this issue has come up again, let alone when our relationship and openness/communication seem to be at a high point. I don’t want to keep anything from her. Am I doing the right thing by telling her now? Set me straight, Dan.

Stupid Husband In Trouble

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Monday, July 20, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Mr. Average Sex

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Jul 20, 2015 at 9:55 AM

Originally posted on October 24. 2012.

A while ago, I broke up with my long-term boyfriend. A few months after the breakup, I met someone new and we started sleeping together. It was the best sex of my life. Wild, passionate, and unpredictable. New Guy wasn't looking for anything serious, and neither was I, so we kept things very casual. After a couple months of amazing sex with New Guy, my long-term boyfriend came back into the picture. I told him I'd been seeing other people, but that I missed him and wanted to make things work between us. All good, right? Wrong! I love him so much, and I think we could have a very happy life together, but when we have sex, it just seems so dull and average compared to the volcanic sex that I was having during our time apart. Do I sacrifice an amazing sex life for a happy life of decidedly average sex with the man I love? Help!

Missing Amazing Sex

My response after the jump...

Continue reading »


Friday, July 17, 2015

Savage Love Letters of the Day: Three Pack

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Jul 17, 2015 at 9:55 AM

About a year and a half ago, I was surprise broken up with by my girlfriend of 2.5 years. I was very much in love with her. It was like all my dreams could come true because I had her. Then I found out that she had been cheating on me. I wanted to move past this, and she said she did too, but said we should stay in a “gray area” and not be official. We kept fucking, and I kept loving her. She would occasionally start crying and tell me how much she loved me. However, things seemed amiss. Still, she told me repeatedly that her 10-year plan was to marry me after she "deserved me again”.

Then, a few days before I had to leave the place where we both had been living—I had to leave, she had to stay for the time being—she told me that the other girl was “magical" but she refused to admit to me that she was waiting for me to leave the country before getting with her again. Of course that’s what happened when I left. Perhaps it had been going on the whole time.

Anyway, I am now in another relationship, and my current partner wants to get married. We’re not engaged or anything yet, but it seems to be headed that way. I want to marry my current partner but not if my ex meant what she said about marrying me at some point. Do you think I should wait 10 years just in case she meant it?

Questioning Everything Daily

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Thursday, July 16, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Piss-Poor Judgment of Solomon

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Jul 16, 2015 at 9:55 AM

Let's say two people entered a marriage under the agreement there would be no children resulting from this union. A few years into the marriage one person decides he/she wants children. The other has not changed his/her mind, and wants to remain child-free. What advice would you give to each of these people?

Short And To The Point

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Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Lover

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Jul 15, 2015 at 9:54 AM

I am a straight 20-something female actress in Northern California. I started a very passionate romance with a fellow actor about a month ago. We've known each other for years, but only recently admitted our feelings to one another. I feel so comfortable around him and the sex is AMAZING. Unfortunately, he's moving to LA in a month to finish school and pursue acting full time. I am tied down in Northern California by my job, family, and future performances I've agreed to do. We've talked about me visiting him and vice versa, and he's mentioned long distance a few times. My last long-distance relationship was disastrous. I know he cares about me and I can tell our being together now is making this move even more difficult for him. We feel we've fallen for each other, but is it just because we're youngsters in a new, exciting love affair? Is this meant to be a fling? Or should I try long-distance despite my past failures?

Anxious This Relationship Ends Somewhat Soon

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Friday, July 10, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Aren't My Boobs Enough?

Posted by Dan Savage on Fri, Jul 10, 2015 at 9:44 AM

Originally posted on June 20, 2012.

Is it normal for my man to be so attracted to boobs that even though mine are beautiful and perfect, my boyfriend still wants to look at every other woman with a set of big boobs that he can? Aren't mine enough?

Boyfriend Ogles Other Breasts

My response after the jump...

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Tuesday, July 7, 2015

NYT Glosses Over Republican Efforts to Drive Up Abortion Rate in Colorado

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jul 7, 2015 at 12:59 PM

The New York Times writes up Colorado's hugely successful effort—funded by a private grant—to combat unplanned pregnancies in that state:

Over the past six years, Colorado has conducted one of the largest experiments with long-acting birth control. If teenagers and poor women were offered free intrauterine devices and implants that prevent pregnancy for years, state officials asked, would those women choose them?

They did in a big way, and the results were startling. The birthrate among teenagers across the state plunged by 40 percent from 2009 to 2013, while their rate of abortions fell by 42 percent, according to the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment. There was a similar decline in births for another group particularly vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies: unmarried women under 25 who have not finished high school. “Our demographer came into my office with a chart and said, ‘Greta, look at this, we’ve never seen this before,’ ” said Greta Klingler, the family planning supervisor for the public health department. “The numbers were plummeting.”

The changes were particularly pronounced in the poorest areas of the state, places like Walsenburg, a small city in southern Colorado where jobs are scarce and many young women have unplanned pregnancies.

Continue reading »


Monday, July 6, 2015

Let's Do It with Bri Pruett: How to Get Your Dick Sucked!

Posted by Bri Pruett on Mon, Jul 6, 2015 at 9:59 AM

  • Illustration: Erika Moen
One day I wandered into the illustrious Portland Mercury HQ and met a nice man who introduced himself as the web guru. He shook my hand with wonder in his eyes and told me that one of my articles was one of the top 3 most clicked on Mercury website. I was flattered and amazed, and squealed, "WHICH ARTICLE?" The article: “How to Suck a Dick.” Ahhhh yes, I remember that. That was me, all right!

Well folks, the web stats have spoken, and I hear your mighty yawps. But it's just about how one goes about sucking a dick. Today let’s turn the tables and talk about what you can do to insure your dick gets sucked.


1. WASH YOUR DICK - This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many dirty-dicked-boys have asked me for a blowjob. Look I get it, dicks are in a high-traffic area; in close proximity to sweat glands AND a nut sack. Not judging AT ALL. But look, no one’s going to want to get involved with your dick if it’s not ready for the “ball.”

More TIPS (get it) AFTER THE JUMP...

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Sunday, July 5, 2015

Savage Love: "I'm a Hot Male Gymnast."

Posted by Dan Savage on Sun, Jul 5, 2015 at 1:29 PM

This is going to sound like bragging, but my appearance is intrinsic to my kink. I'm a gay male gymnast. Most of the guys on my college team are annoyed by the kind of objectification we routinely get. (We actually don't want to be auctioned off at yet another sorority fundraiser, thanks.) But I've always been turned on by the thought of being a piece of meat. I've masturbated for years about dehumanization. Being in bondage, hooded, and gagged—not a person anymore, faceless, nude, on display, completely helpless. (Just typing that sentence made me hard.) It finally happened. I found a guy on (which I discovered on your podcast, so thank you). He is into BDSM, which isn't the goal for me, and he wanted to do some of "his stuff" to me while I was dehumanized and helpless. We had a long talk about what I was okay with (gentle tit clamps, some butt play, very light spanking) and what I wasn't okay with. I didn't want to be marked. He asked what I meant by that, and I said, "No bruises, no welts, no red marks." He didn't bruise me, but he did something that it didn't occur to me to rule out: He shaved off all my body hair—pits, pubes, legs, ass, chest. I'm angry, but at the same time, I'm seriously turned on by the thought of seeing this guy again.


Saturday, June 27, 2015

Movie Review: Things Get Weird in The Overnight

Posted by Elinor Jones on Sat, Jun 27, 2015 at 10:14 AM

THE OVERNIGHT “Yeah, you two should totes come over to my place. I’m at Burnside 26, heard of it?”
  • THE OVERNIGHT “Yeah, you two should totes come over to my place. I’m at Burnside 26, heard of it?”

Have you guys ever had those nights where you stick around some probably horrible people because you're already kinda drunk and there might be fun drugs coming and if nothing else this could make for a good story? Now imagine doing that in your mid-30s, at your kid's first playdate in a new town. Welcome to The Overnight.

Alex (Adam Scott) and Emily (Taylor Schilling) are two white people who, along with their kid, have recently moved from Seattle to Los Angeles. Their kid meets another kid at a park, whose father is Kurt (Jason Schwartzman), a white man in a large hat who declares himself "basically the mayor of the neighborhood." Jason Schwartzman invites his new pals over for dinner with his family. Despite Jason Schwartzman obviously being fucking awful, the starved-for-friends Alex and Emily accept, and arrive to Kurt's mansion to meet him and his wife, Charlotte (Judith Godrèche). They eat pizza, get drunk, put the kids to bed, and then things get weird.


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Rainbow Correction

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Jun 24, 2015 at 9:56 AM

I'm a straight guy with some gay friends. I had this debate with them about the rainbow being chosen to represent the LGBT community. I proudly support gay marriage and gay rights I just disagree about your use of the rainbow. With all the brilliant and creative minds in LGBT community you could not come up with better than the rainbow? When I was a child I would chase rainbows without any labels in mind. My dad used to have a "gay" rainbow flag on his front porch before the LGBT community started using the rainbow as its symbol. I am now told that the gay rainbow represents diversity. I beg to differ. I am part of the culture that is so much more diverse than the LGBT community. Heck, the LGBT community is part of my culture! So are racists, extreme (and usually anti-gay) religious groups, Americans, and foreigners alike. It is known as Deaf Culture (with capital D) and it crosses over every culture in the world. Biased people and gay/minorities are brought together by the experience of being Deaf in a larger hearing world. So I cant accept "diversity" as a reason to use the rainbow when it should belong to everyone. I wish I could display rainbows without experiencing two extremities. First, having hateful people make my life difficult. Second, having gay men checking me out and following me into bathrooms. I support the LGBT community but I have my own battles being a Deaf person in this oppressive world.

Deafies And Hearies Love Rainbow

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Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Do Cheaters Always Cheat?

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jun 23, 2015 at 9:59 AM

Portland lesbian here. A few of months ago I started hooking up with a friend of mine (she initiated). She had a long distance boyfriend and I knew that but after the first time she told me that the two of them were taking a break. I took this to mean that she was free to see other people and kept hooking up with her. A month later she clarified that wasn't the case but I still kept hooking up with her. Since then she ended it with me to make it work with the boyfriend and then subsequently ended it with the boyfriend. Now she and I are back in old habits and I'm trying to decide where I want to go from here.

The sex is amazing but not only that we have had some really good times together. Good talks, lots of texting, an actual long walk on the beach. I'd like to keep dating her and see where this goes but I'm worried that her cheating on her boyfriend means she'll ultimately cheat on me too. And our communication could obviously be improved. She says she's never cheated before. Is once a cheater, always a cheater really a thing? Or is there some kind of one-time exception for cheating at the end of a relationship that really wasn't working anyway?

Helpful Outside Persuasion Is Needed Greatly

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Monday, June 22, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Ex Texting and Cord Cutting

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Jun 22, 2015 at 10:16 AM

I cringed hard when I read the letter from the girl about her boyfriend texting his ex. I could easily be the ex she wrote about it, and so I have a slightly different perspective.

1. She needs to consider that it may have been more than sex on his side as well. Telling her it was "just sex" is easier for him to do now.

2. They may have always had a flirty relationship. He may not be responding overtly but he could be subtly encouraging the occasional borderline remark.

3. She may not actually be a damsel in distress. He may get off on being the sympathetic ear.

4. He justifies the ongoing relationship by telling himself (and you) that he's "helping" her.

Continue reading »

Friday, June 19, 2015

Let's Do it with Bri Pruett: How to Fuck in the Summer

Posted by Bri Pruett on Fri, Jun 19, 2015 at 4:14 PM

  • Illustration: Erika Moen
Ah sweet summer! A great time to hike, go to the river, and grow your backyard tomatoes and/or legal weed. Summer can also be a marvelous time to date; everyone’s got ants in their pants. Odd’s are, you go to enough BBQs, you are going to meet someone HOT. Here's how it usually goes down, you’ll go on a long sweaty bike ride back to their place, sit on the porch drinking sweet tea, and eventually, you’ll take things back to their room… and their bedroom makes you feel like a GODDAMN ROTISSERIE CHICKEN. What to do?! Fuck on the porch? NO! Alright gentle friend, here’s a list of ways to beat the heat WHILE YOU BEAT THE MEAT! God, I love my job.


Continue reading »

Club Sesso is Closing: The End of Downtown Gangbangs is Nigh

Posted by Shelby R. King on Fri, Jun 19, 2015 at 3:32 PM

Saturday night is your last chance for a good ol' gangbang in downtown Portland!

Six years and one day after the doors opened at Ron Jeremy's Club Sesso, owner Paul Smith says the swingers' club will host its last event on Saturday, June 20.

Club Sesso opened June 19, 2009, and has since been featured in the Mercury several times, including this interview with Jeremy (who served as the club's figurehead *snicker*), this piece on feeding the club's ravenous clientele (all-night orgies require sustenance!), and this story by former Merc reporter Alison Hallett about attending a wet T-shirt contest as part of our "Worst. Night. Ever." series.

Earlier this year, Portland Assistant Fire Marshal Doug Jones was reprimanded by the fire chief for tipping off Sesso's manager that no fire inspectors would be on duty the night of a planned anniversary party there. The city conducted an investigation into accusations Jones gave preferential treatment to the club.

"Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond our control, and the continual and substantial non­litigation legal fees during the past year, and our inability to reach reasonable agreements with the various government agencies involved, Club Sesso is no longer able to stay in business," Smith writes in a public statement. "Saturday June 20th will be our last event... Six ­years and one ­day after we opened."

In his message to members, Smith says his legal fees have reached approximately $100,000.

The good news: door fees tonight and Saturday are half price. The bad news: you must already be a member (it's a members-only club; so many euphemisms, here) to visit for the club's last hurrah.

The other good news is that Smith says he and his attorneys are "evaluating all options in reopening" the club.

One of the club's attorneys, Ted Brindle, says the problems that led to the closure began last year. Willamette Week reported on an investigation into Fire Marshal Doug Smith over apparent favoritism shown to Sesso management in August.

"It's been getting more and more difficult to deal with some of the problems that snowballed starting about a year ago," Brindle tells the Mercury. "There was always some thought that this ultimately might happen."

Here's the entire text of Smith's email:

Dear Club Sesso Members, Exactly six-years ago today, June 19, 2009, we opened the doors to our dream, Ron Jeremy's Club Sesso...a high-energy swingers-nightclub. Club Sesso earned the privilege of becoming one of Portland's most recognized brands...even without our name on the outside of the building, people always knew about 'that sesso', true testimony to the value of our brand and the amazing commitment by our staff to make sure our guests had fact we guaranteed guests would have fun or their next visit was on-us at no-charge. In the past year we became entangled in a matter with the City of Portland, the Portland Fire Bureau and the Oregon Liquor Control Commission. Our attorney's worked diligently and in good faith to fairly address these matters and to attempt to gain cooperation in correcting errors made by City employee's that led to further compounding misinformation and miscommunication. Unfortunately due to circumstances beyond our control and the continual non-litigation legal fees, of approximately $100,000 during the past year, and our inability to reach reasonable agreements with the various government agencies involved, Club Sesso is no longer able to stay in business. Saturday June 20th will be our last event...six-years and one-day after we opened. (only current/former members will be allowed Fri/Sat) (door fees will be half-price Fri/Sat) While there will be many questions, I ask your understanding in that I am very limited in what information I may discuss. We are evaluating all options in re-opening Club Sesso. As you can imagine there are issues that must be resolved and we continue to be dedicated in resolving all matters in a fair, ethical, and equitable manner. Thank You for Making Club Sesso Amazing...we hope to see you again soon. One last thing...there are few things in life more disrupting and stressful than losing your livelihood. Club Sesso's employees are truly the most amazing, dedicated, and kindhearted group of people I have had the honor to have employed. If you have any employment openings or know anyone who is looking for an awesome employee please send me an email so we can pass along the information to those folks so they may apply. Sincerely Paul Smith & The People Who Really Matter; the AMAZING SESSO STAFF

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: His Ex-Girlfriend's Texts

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Jun 18, 2015 at 9:57 AM

I have a conundrum: my boyfriend constantly texts this girl. Not normally an issue, but he fucked her pretty regularly right before he and I got together. He says it was never more than a sexual attraction, but this girl—who has a boyfriend, mind you—is in love with him. I know this because my boyfriend has told me so. They don't hang out and they don't have phone calls, but the texting is bothering me because she's clearly not speaking to him as "just a friend." He's informed me that, yes, she does flirt with him but he insists he never responds in kind. I've tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because he is respectful of our relationship when he responds to her.

He describes her as a damsel in distress with a shitty boyfriend and says he's just trying to be nice. He wouldn't cheat on me, especially not with her, but I cannot get past the fact that he humors her. You're going to tell me to trust him, so fine, I trust him, but shouldn't he care about how this makes me feel? It's not like this girl is a long-time friend of his, but when it comes up (which it does because I bring it up, oops) we end up in huge fights. I go back and forth on whether I'm justified or just crazy. What is it? And what can I do to get over this?

The Actual Damsel In Distress

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Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Family From Hell

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Jun 17, 2015 at 9:58 AM

I am getting married to my partner next month. I'm super pumped. Her family is awesome and supportive. I've had a long back-and-forth with my family about the wedding. I'm trying to do the "right" thing/be the bigger person even though they have never been supportive of me as a queer person. This including inviting them and trying to be positive about the wedding and writing about how much it would mean to me if they would be a part of this important day/chapter of my life. I suspect some of them are not coming, as I got a pretty intense email from my sister-in-law about how my family can't support my engagement blah blah blah Catholic blah blah holier-than-thou bullshit bullshit. But that was over a year ago and most of my family has just been avoiding the topic of the wedding when I try to talk on the phone with them about it. But no one has told me outright that they won't be attending. Yesterday was the RSVP due date for our wedding and none of them have responded. So it now to the point where I'm going to have to call and outright ask if they're coming and potentially absorb all their rejection personally.

Now here's the kicker: I found out through Facebook ten minutes ago that my brother, who i used to think was my ally (he said in December that he and his GF were going to try and make it to my wedding), is getting married SEVEN DAYS after we are in a different state! IN A MONTH! And he... forgot to tell me??? Forgot to invite me??? Everyone in my entire extended family knew about his wedding, including second cousins and stuff, but I did not.

So with this knowledge what am I supposed to say when I call asking for RSVPs? I have no idea.

Please Please Please Help

P.S. I also wanted to say thanks. I grew up in a super conservative Catholic family/community in the rural midwest. I was introduced to you about ten years ago by a college friend from Seattle, and because of you I have turned into a sex positive and proudly out queer adult. And my life is so so so so so much better than I ever envisioned it could be!

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Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Opposite of a Sympathy Card

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jun 16, 2015 at 9:59 AM

My partner of 25 years passed away last week, and today I received a sympathy card from his sister. She included many paragraphs about how I need to seek salvation in Jesus Christ, etc., and hardly a kind word spoken but at one point she did thank me for "being his friend." (We were a gay couple—much more than friends.) She enclosed a brochure with Bible verses printed on it, the kind that evangelizers give out on street corners. On the envelope of this card she wrote only my first name, because she apparently never bothered finding out my last name.

This lady never once asked about me in any of the many letters she wrote to my partner when he was alive. She is nice and sweet in person but she always manages to slip in something thoroughly nasty during every conversation. She did this to my partner too. I assume she is this way to everyone. During our one and only lengthy conversation, one day after my partner's death, she asked me to give her all of the family photo albums in our house because "you are not family."

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