We hear of this problem so much that it has become the definition of redundant: Spouses that just aren’t interested.

I’m in my early 50’s and I’ve been married to the same woman for twenty years and in a committed relationship for six years before we married. In all that time, she’s never once provided any type of foreplay or reciprocated to mine. Never once initiated or provided oral sex unless I just maneuvered it up that way, because you can’t ask her verbally for fear of using improper terminology that may turn her off. And it’s not cheerful when it is provided. She acts like my dick is coated in rat poison. She never talks during sex, allows me to talk, or even opens her eyes. Up until a few years ago, the lights had to be out. And she’s only initiated sex a handful of times—years and years ago.

She does have some medical problems that make her tired and sore. I'm very considerate of this but no matter how much of the household burden I carry (most of the cleaning, all of the laundry, all the yard work), it's not enough. She ignores my romantic advances even when there are no kids around. I have to ask for sex using this phrase only: "Wanna fool around tonight?" The answer is usually, “We’ll see,” but then the ultimate answer is almost always, “I’m too tired,” or, “I haven’t had a shower.” I feel like a child asking his mommy for a cookie. It’s degrading. When we do connect, I provide very generously for her orally because it turns me on. I eat pussy like a fat kid eats cake. And as long as I’m quiet, we can have very, very vanilla sex while she lays there with her eyes closed. The majority of my married sex life has been spanking the monkey with an assist from Internet porn. She derides this, rebukes me about porn, and tells me it’s nauseating and that I need therapy.
She’s never once told me that she loved me without me having told her first. Never once initiated a simple kiss yet she kisses the dogs freely. Never hugged or touched me passionately without my initiating contact first. When I do complain or want to discuss the issue, she tells me she doesn’t like physical contact, says I’m cruel, says I don’t understand, tells me I’m sick and I’m the one that needs help. I once walked out of the relationship because of this but it devastated both of us. I realized I loved her and we reconciled.

But the intolerable twist that drives me insane: She engages in ribald banter with other men as if she’s some ready, willing, and able swallower. Years ago, before we were married but while we were already in a committed relationship, the 18 year old DJ at a New Years Eve Party asked her out. She thought it was just soooo cute and became his friend and he provided music at our wedding. She hadn't seen him years until Facebook came along. (Yes, snooped her FB.) She wrote a message to him that said she had injured herself dancing. She added: "Actually, I was humping a friend's husband, so you can see I haven’t changed!”
Really? Are you fucking kidding me?

Yet she sucks her teeth and rolls her eyes when I talk suggestively to her. And it's been going on for years. I have remained monogamous throughout despite working in a profession where everyone is fucking someone behind someone else’s back and working on their third marriage. I’m getting too old for a hall pass and wouldn’t even want to be bothered at this point in my life. I know it would never be granted anyway and the mere suggestion would ignite an epic brawl.

So, after years of same old, same old, and her continual refusal to have an adult discussion about my needs or her treatment of me, I know it ain’t changing and I don’t have time for therapy. I know any joint therapy would be directed toward my "unrealistic" expectations and my Internet use would be held up as evidence that I'm the sick one.

Is it even worth beating this old donkey anymore, Dan? And please answer this question for me: Have I been a gigantic schmuck for tolerating this shit all my life?

The Enduring Doormat

My response after the jump...

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I am a 26-year-old gay woman. I recently broke up with a woman who is adorable, clever, and great, but I wasn't particularly attracted to sexually, despite everything else being spot on. We have remained friends, and I don't think that there is any weirdness there.

Here's the weirdness: I have recently become hugely attracted to someone at work. This woman is in a relationship, but I can't tell whether she likes me or not. I have never gone for anyone in a relationship but equally have never felt as strongly about anyone as I do when I am with this girl. We get on like a house on fire, she makes me laugh, and she is simply gorgeous. She constantly appears at my house for dinner or to hang out, drops everything at a moment's notice to see me, we have huge and significant conversations, and there have been several odd moments of what I think is sexual tension. I have a lot of good straight friends, but I have never experienced frisson with any of them.

This woman has an intensely Catholic and seriously boring boyfriend who I met and didn't think very much of. Some mutual friends met him at the same time, and they agreed.

I have received conflicting advice about what I should do. Tell her that I like her even though that is likely pointless, as she is with someone? Or do I just leave it, as she is with someone? My lesbian friend reckons straight women can't change their spots, my straight friend says that someone wanting to spend time with you all the time is a sign that she might like me in that way.

What should I do?

Charged Relationship Unto Sad Heartbreak

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Originally published July 3, 2008:

Okay! I'm a bisexual woman who dated this amazing, beautiful, bisexual guy who was a bartender at the Gay 90's in Minneapolis. (Shout out!) Obviously it didn't bother me that he liked men, but the thing I just could not tolerate was that after he would come on my stomach he would lick it alllllllllllllll up!!! OMFG I almost threw up every time!
I never said anything, because I'm not one to knock someone's kinks. But I'm dying to know if this is a gay thing or did he have some type of protein deficiency?

Jizzed Upon In Minneapolis

My response after the jump...

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Originally published September 1, 2005:

I went to a friend's wedding, a friend whom five years ago I would have called a "best friend." I don't know how to describe our friendship now because we don't talk or see each other much. I was reacquainted with her ex-boyfriend (she dated him for three months three years ago) at her wedding and now I'm dating him. She's pissed and claims that I am breaking the "Code"—the unwritten code of not dating your friends' exes. I assumed that ended if you got married. I have polled quite a few girlfriends to see what they think and most say the code is over when you marry, but some say it isn't. I am curious what you or your readers think.

Ending The Code

My response after the jump...

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Long time listener, first time caller.

I will qualify this by saying that I have been reading your column since sometime in 2006 and have over time gone back and read all of your archives as well. Your advice has improved my life not just with my partner but with everyone that I love. Anyone that reads more than a few of your columns can see that “GGG” is a concept that applies not just to the physical aspect of a relationship but to every aspect. Reading your column has been some of the best value for money I have ever seen.

But I have to call you out on your advice to WIMP. In 99% of relationships, Dan, the withholding of physical affection is never the answer. I bet that your relationship can handle the type of thing you described in your response because there is already good communication, your partner otherwise knows where he stands, is confident that you love him, and knows that you would only do something like that after deep reflection. In most other relationships, however, withholding physical affection may change behaviour but it will also plant seeds of resentment that lead to far worse problems down the line.

I realise that you only have one (short) letter to go on. You do not know anything else about WIMP’s relationship. But based upon her statement that her boyfriend has not had a motorcycle before he met her I would suggest that the man she is with either 1. has needs that are not being satisfied, needs that have nothing to do with a desire to ride a motorcycle, and that these needs could be satisfied by WIMP in other ways if she truly loved him AND he lets her know what those needs were (unless she just wants to control him) or 2. the man WIMP is with is a selfish dickhead that does not love WIMP (after all, they both already agreed to a compromise and she allowed him to enjoy the motorcycle/scooter hybrid without any further emotional blackmail). At the end of the day who knows if this is the only thing going on in that relationship.
My point is that withholding sex will not solve any of these relationship problems, it will only make everything worse.

Just Another Dilemma

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how do i know if she is faking it or not id like to think shes not but i doubt alot of the time im getting her off what can i do

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I am a 30-year-old straight man. I have tended to be a serial monogamist my whole life. I was always in a long-term relationship, until my recent divorce. I have been single for almost a year now, and am determined to make a go of living a single life. I don't want to jump back into something intense and longterm.

The complication is this: I am an amputee. I lost my leg because of an accident when I was a teenager, and it's a part of who I am (ironic as that sounds). It's something I continue to deal with, but I haven't really had to do so in the "dating world" much. I have never been a bar kind of guy, and while I can drink, it just isn't my thing. Dating websites have therefor become my avenue to meet women. I don't list this as one of my qualities online, as I expect that in the online dating world, where women, from the sounds of things, are often inundated with emails from potential suiters, I would be easily dismissed as "damaged goods." In general, I expect that the "ick factor" of learning someone is an amputee can be worse when imagined than when seen, and so I feel like I will have a better chance if I get my foot in the door, so to speak. I generally approach divulging this information when the inevitable question about my limp comes up. This tends to happen on the first or second date, though on the occasional one night stand has happened right before we fall into bed, luckily, without them running screaming.

Am I being dishonest with people, to their and my own detriment? I don't necessarily judge people who would not want to date me because of my leg; there are women I don't find physically attractive, and I get it. I don't want to alienate potential matches because of my disability, but I don't want to mislead interested people either. Perhaps they aren't interested in me, they are only interested in what they think I am when I am wearing my pants, but am I really obligated to show the world my residual limb before I go on a date? The fact is that people who don't know me can't tell I am an amputee when I'm wearing my prosthesis; how, and when should I share this information with people I am interested in?

All Left Feet

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I'm a girl in my twenties who tries to be GGG. My boyfriend and I have an awesome sex life; I happily indulge his many kinks, including keeping his cock locked up in a chastity device, encouraging his cross dressing (I'm a seamstress, so I've even made some of his outfits!), and pegging. In exchange I get the quality vanilla sex I crave and have an affectionate, loving, doting boyfriend who brings me coffee in bed and generally treats me wonderfully. I know this relationship owes a lot to you; if it weren't for the fact I've been reading your column since I was fourteen his kinks might have been a deal breaker. As it is I've accepted them and we mutually do everything we can to keep each other happy.

The problem is with the pegging. No matter what we do there's always more than a little santorum. Even of he skips eating that day, even if he makes sure to use the toilet before we begin. No delicate way to put this- it's gross. We've talked about the possibility of him trying enemas but I know that there can be side effects if overused and it seems a little extreme.

Is there some other option we're overlooking? And, if not, what's the safe way to use enemas to ensure he doesn't do himself any harm? We usually have strap on sex once every week to two weeks, if that matters. Any advice you could get would be greatly appreciated.

No Clever Sign Off

My response—and a bonus letter—after the jump...

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My wife and I have been married and in love for seven years. We've traveled the world, have great kids and have always, for the most part, enjoyed a crazy good sex life. We've been swinging in most ways since early days and we've learned how to play well together. She identifies as straight but has dabbled with women. I identify as straight but am open to a wide spectrum of possibilities. We've been to swingers' parties, hosted a few, been to fetish nights regularly, been tied up and whipped in dungeons, and caressed each other and others lovingly. We love each other a lot, but lately it's been hard. We're working at launching our own business right now, which is definitely a source of stress, but we usually fuck when we're stressed. Recently she said that the only way she thinks our marriage will continue is if we have a completely open relationship. The only rule being no "old friends."

I've put myself out there but I don't really see her doing the same. We recently met a great couple with whom we swing from time to time. But our sex life—just the two of us—has become passionless. She says she doesn't have another lover and I believe her. (I would be happy for her if she did.) I have a couple new "friends" that have yet to become lovers, but that's an eventuality that will cum to a head soon enough. I don't want to lose my wife, best friend, business partner, and the best sex I've ever had. Our sex has been so good that we didn't know where her body began and mine ended. I'm usually the rock in the storm, but now I just feel lost at sea. I'm at a loss for what to do. The word divorce has entered our conversations lately and my heart is heavy with woe and sorrow and I fear my kids may soon have to deal with their parents' breakup. Your advice would be much appreciated.

Seven Years In

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Since everybody who calls your show seems to state how they identify themselves, I will do the same: I am a 40-year-old, very-open heterosexual African American male. I'm not really sure if this is a question or just a statement to see if there are more men out there like me.

I have always been very open and adventurous sexually. I enjoy sensuous sex, rough sex, anal sex, water sports, and more. But I never had any real interest in gay sex. Recently, however, the thought of giving a guy oral started to really excite me. I don't find men sexually attractive. I believe I'm more excited about the freedom and "no limits."

The first time I thought about it I went on Craigslist just to blow a guy but chickened out. And I never thought about it again until recently when I went to a sex club with my girlfriend. She was blowing a guy while I was fucking her and then I started kissing her and sucking his dick at the same time. It only lasted for a little bit, but it was fun.

The next time was a prearranged threesome with my girlfriend and a male friend of hers. This time it was a little more direct. While she was blowing him, I sat next to her. Then I just started sucking his dick. I have not fucked or been fucked by a guy but that is something I want to try. I am also interested in sucking a guy off until he cums in my mouth. As I type this it sounds very gay hahaha. But in my mind I associate gay with being attracted to men. I don't feel a physical attraction to men. It's more like, "that seems fun I want to try it."
I understand I can identify myself however I want, but I am curious at how you look at it. And is this issue something you run across a lot? I would call your podcast but I have a pretty distinctive voice and would rather my friends not find out.

No Limits

My response after the jump.

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Originally published September 6, 2007:

My friends and I were debating a troubling incident over drinks and figured you would be the best person to ask: What should you do when you're at a party, and while looking for a toilet, you accidentally walk into the bedroom of someone you know, but don't know well, and discover a boy half her age tied to her bed? (Half her age = very early 20s.) The boy is not just tied to her bed, but also has a giant, leather muzzle-like thing buckled over his mouth, clothespins on his nipples, his cock exposed—and hard, which seems relevant—and, this is an important detail, a look of panic in his eyes?

My friend said, "Oh! Sorry!," shut the door, and quickly left without saying anything. But should she have done something more? Called the police, perhaps?

Concerned Women For America

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This wasn't a letter sent to "Savage Love," but I don't think the author will mind my posting it as the "Savage Love" letter of the day.

Kate Bornstein has cancer.

The good news, direct from the team of skilled doctors on her case, is that the cancer is curable. However, the treatment plan that gives Kate the best chance of beating cancer is incredibly expensive. Kate has spent the past thirty years helping the rest of us Stay Alive—now it’s our turn to give back. Let’s HELP KATE BORNSTEIN BEAT CANCER AND STAY ALIVE!

This August, Kate was diagnosed with lung cancer. She underwent surgery, after which extensive testing led her doctors to believe that the cancer was gone. However, in February, Kate’s doctors discovered that this was not, in fact, the case. The cancer was back. Since receiving this news, Kate has seen numerous talented physicians and other medical professionals. The consensus is that Kate’s cancer IS CURABLE. However, Kate’s treatment plan is more complicated than most because she has suffered from another kind of cancer—CLL, or Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia—for over fifteen years. Kate will undergo chemotherapy and radiation treatment. She will eat according to strict nutritional diet plan and she will take a large number of supplements that will strengthen her body’s ability to handle the chemo and radiation.

This is the treatment plan is Kate’s best—and only—chance at survival. However, it is also exceptionally expensive. While Kate does have health insurance, she must pay the very high deductable, make high monthly insurance payments, and make co-payments for doctor visits and prescriptions. Also, Kate has to travel to the hospitals that are best suited to administer her unique treatment plan. Right now, this means going to Chicago five times over the next two months for chemotherapy. In the coming months, she may also have to travel to San Diego and Texas for additional treatment. Luckily, Kate will undergo radiation therapy in New York City, where she lives, but because of her weak immune system, she will have to take cabs to and from the hospital five days per week for at least two months. Additionally, insurance does not cover the high cost of the supplements that her doctor insists are an integral part of her treatment plan.

During the course of her treatment, Kate’s immune system will be seriously compromised, she will be exhausted, and she will experience periods of extreme nausea. As a result, her doctors have insisted that Kate take a hiatus from work-related travel, speaking engagements, performances, and even writing. For the next eight to ten months, Kate will be undergoing treatment and recovering from cancer, so she will not be able to work. This means that Kate will have no way to pay for rent, utilities, food, pet care, or any other normal expense. So, not only does Kate have to worry about paying her medical bills, she also has to worry about paying her basic living expenses.

This is where we come in. Kate’s work—her books, lectures, performances, apps, and online presence—has helped countless people choose life instead of suicide. Kate’s efforts have literally saved thousands of lives. Now, it’s time for all of us to save the life of just one person: Kate Bornstein. Through our donations, each of us has the power to give Kate our thanks, to be there for her in this difficult time, and to help her save her life.
Please join me in donating whatever you can to help Kate beat cancer and STAY ALIVE.

Kate Bornstein is amazing women and I consider her a friend. She has been a frequent and valued guest expert in "Savage Love." Terry and I loved Kate's contribution to the "It Gets Better" project so much that we made it final essay in the book. We wanted Kate to have the last word.

Kate has been out there fighting to make it better for queer kids—trans, lesbian, gay, bi, genderqueer, and even the straight ones—for a long time. She has saved countless lives. Now it's our turn to help save Kate's life.

Please donate what you can.

Me and my husband are both 28—and both gay men—and we've been together for four years. In that time, I've caught him secretly using gay hook up apps while in what is a monogamous relationship. On Valentines Day we each decided to try opening up our relationship. It was my hope that official openness would make our relationship a bit more honest.

I found out recently that he blocked me from Grindr and that doesn't reveal his relationship status on his account. He also doesn't wear his wedding ring in public. I just wanted to know what you think about this arrangement.
In a perfect world we'd both troll Grindr and talk about the hot guys on there, but he seems to prefer creating relationships with people without me in the picture.

Confused And Bewildered

My response after the jump...

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I have a purely technical buttplug question inspired by your latest SLLOTD. I'm in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. We don't use protection except during pregnancy control. Is there any reason beyond STI issues that we shouldn't share a buttplug?

Sextoys Are Pricey

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My wife is far more vanilla than I am and over the years our sex life has settled into one fixed routine: start by fondling each other 'til I'm hard and she's wet, then a few minutes (really, only 1-2 minutes) of missionary style fucking, then she roles over and we finish up doggy-style. We do this because she says that this position is best for her. I'm not thrilled with the lack of variety but after having my requests for more denied for many years, I've pretty much accepted that this is it.

The one "non-vanilla" thing about her is, she likes to have her asshole fingered. At some point she will ask or tell me to touch her "back there." I usually don't mind (in fact, it usually turns me on to do this) so I comply; however, sometimes I'd just rather not deal with the poo and somewhat awkward position and just focus on my own pleasure. And that's where the problems start. When I say I'd rather not, things come to a screeching halt while she asks me why not and makes it clear that I'm being selfish by refusing to pleasure her this way. So, for the sake of getting laid, I go ahead and do it. And this is really starting to piss me off. Here she is, refusing to do anything for me, barely interacting with me, but making demands on what I do for her. I think it's complete bullshit.

Am I wrong to not want to finger her butt hole every time? Am I being a selfish lover for saying so, and suggesting we skip it sometimes? Am I wrong for being angry with her for demanding this of me, while not being willing to do anything I want? And finally, how can I talk to her about this and get some kind of resolution, ideally, getting an occasional break from sticking a finger up her ass, and getting her to do more for me?

You Make The Clever Acronym

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How do I deal with the boiling anger I feel after reading/hearing the anti-gay talking points that inevitably appear after stories like Ohio Sen. Rob Portman's decision to support gay marriage after his son came out to him? I'm reading things like, "Choices that hurt himself and society," and, "He'll eventually die of AIDS or oral cancer." I read that and I just want to strangle the person who said it.

What are my options besides flipping the fuck out several times a day or not reading the news anymore? Neither one of those is acceptable to me. I don't know where to put the rage that I feel when I hear assholes call me less than human, and I don't have the money to donate to causes that fight that nearly as often as I'd like. What do you think I should be doing instead?

Always Angry About Anti-gay Assholes

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Originally published March 16, 2006.

I am a 26-year-old lesbian in a relationship with a 21-year-old. We've been together for five years. She is a brilliant student with a bright future. I love her, but I feel that we need to part.

I am worried about how she would get along financially without me. While I don't totally support her, she couldn't pay rent and bills on her own without being fiscally miserable. She doesn't have friends she could move in with. She could just get a job like most college students, but then she'd have to give up many of the opportunities that she's earned by being a hard-working student.

Would it be wrong to help support her if I were to move out? Like I said, I love her very much, but I want to be on my own for a while.

Good Friend, Bad Girlfriend?

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I'm a 36-year-old gay man who's been in relationships on and off since the age of 18. I have pretty high, but not unreasonable standards when it comes to what I expect from my mate. The recurring theme that seems to end each relationship is a lie that usually end up in my complete lack of trust in that person. My last five-year relationship ended after I found out that my partner had been stealing money and goods from his employer. I ended up personally paying his former boss thousands to keep my name out of a police report as items were in my home. I'd have lost my job and retirement at even the slightest allegation that I was involved. I decided that the lies, lack of moral standing and erosion of trust were too much to salvage the relationship, and I called it quits.

I recently met a great guy that I'm insanely attracted to and really have grown to like. When we met he told me he was 43, and after some conversations I began to get suspicious. Turns out he's 50, something I wouldn't have given a shit about even if he told me up front. I confronted him about it and he finally came clean and explained his phobia on aging and stories of rejection based on his age. I told him in the beginning that trust and honesty were paramount to me. My instinct was to initially run, but I really care about him and my heart is still in it. Is my expectation of meeting a man who's 100% truthful an unattainable expectation?

Tales Really Unravel The Heart

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Continued after the jump...

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I am a happily married lady in a poly relationship.

My husband and I date other people and have had no problems with it. We have two rules about dating: 1) complete honesty and full disclosure; and 2) we only have unprotected sex with each other. I was on a date with a new partner last night and then we went back to his place to make out. We decided to have sex for the first time, talked about condoms and agreed that we were going to use them. He didn’t have lube and the condom got dry after a while, so he pulled out and we went back to making out. He suggested we not put one back on because he could pull out in time, and I said that it was out of the question and that we absolutely had to use a condom. (Seriously, throughout the evening I think I mentioned the condom rule a dozen times.) So we’re making out and waiting for me to get lubricated enough to go again. He pushes his dick against my pussy opening and I say, “No, we can’t do that.” And he replies, “Oh, don’t worry—I’ve got it.” Which I take to mean that he has put on another one. We have sex for a few minutes and then he pulls out and cums on my stomach. Fuck.

I feel terrible about this for multiple reasons. And I am conflicted as to whether I’m responsible for this happening or not. I talked to him about it before I left that night and he said that I seemed like I had consented with my body language. In all honesty, I wanted to have unprotected sex the same way I think that everyone does. And I guess I had been rubbing up against him. But isn’t that what everyone does when they’re making out? Should I have been more explicit about condom usage? Could I have been?!? Should I have just stopped everything after he suggested that we not use one? I feel betrayed and dirty and sad and guilty. I’m all mixed up about who was responsible for what. I feel like I “cheated” on my husband.

Who's The Failure Here?

P.S. And FYI, I told my husband immediately after and he doesn’t feel that I did something wrong. Please help me figure this out, I’m don’t know how to understand what happened.

My response after the jump...

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Originally published September 15, 2005:

A friend of mine is setting up a website with some of her friends for feminist (mostly queer) porn. I'm straight, and she asked me if I wanted to be in it, with or without my boyfriend of two years. After clarifying that I wouldn't be making porn with people I didn't want to do it with, and that I like it a lot rougher than would be traditionally considered "feminist," she said that anything I wanted to do was fine.

I discussed this with my boyfriend and he is more than willing to do it—but he said that it is my decision. I've taken a lot of naked/sexual/whatever pictures of myself for him, and I'm not particularly self-conscious about being photographed naked or even in sexual situations. I certainly enjoy my fair share of porn, and I'm not averse to giving back to the genre. I also think that the risk that someone would stumble across a predominantly lesbian porn site and associate me in everyday life with some girl with a nipple ring getting face fucked is slim to none.

Despite all this rationalization, I still feel uneasy. I am 20 years old and have no intention of running for public office, so if there is any time to do something like being in porn it is now. However, I still feel like something as permanent as pictures taken by other people for other people will end up where I don't want them to be. I don't feel like my friend and boyfriend are pressuring me to be on the site, but I do feel that since they have no issues with making porn for public consumption there is some repression that is holding me back. Or maybe they are the ones being ridiculous and I am being sensible. What do you think?

Pondering Over Revealing Nudity

My response after the jump...

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Last month, I met this woman about four years older than me at a bar. Long story short: we ended up having sex in my car. The problem: the sex went very badly. It was my first time not doing it on a bed, doing it outside, etc., and I must have been nervous because I couldn't sustain an erection. The woman also happens to be "separated" from her husband, and quasi-famous. She's absolutely gorgeous and we seemed to get along great. I would love to see her again, but whenever I suggest getting together (either for dinner or explicitly as a hookup), she avoids the question. Although I made sure she orgasmed through other ways, there's this nagging feeling that it was the bad sex that's keeping her from wanting to see me again. How do I get her to give me another chance?

Limp Until Sex Terminated

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