Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers bring out the nice silverware and host the Oklahoma City Thunder. The Thunder are the best team in the NBA and are so good they are also in first place in the NHL's Western Division, top ranked in men's and women's NCAA basketball, can bake a soufflé without it collapsing, and they collectively took home top prize at the Scripps Spelling Bee (Kevin Durant knows how to spell "Cymotrichous" and Kendrick Perkins can use it in a sentence). But the Thunder aren't perfect—they finished fourth in the Republican primaries in Nevada—and Portland knows this, having handed OKC their lone homecourt defeat this season on January 3.

Let us commence the live-blogging!

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Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers welcome their divisional foes, the Denver Nuggets. Tonight is the second Portland appearance by the Nuggets, who as we all remember were toppled by the Blazers 111-102 in late December. But that was so last year, back when we thought Portland might be able to win on the road (they can't) and losing Andre Miller (nostalgic swoon) for the elephantine Raymond Felton wouldn't be that big of a deal (it is).

Let's start looking up more words to describe Felton and get this blogging party started.

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No, this isn't a vintage Blogtown post. It's new. The Trail Blazers announced this morning that the malfunctioning vessel known as Greg Oden will undergo an arthroscopic procedure on his right knee. For those keeping track at home, Oden's right knee was the original knee in which he had microfracture surgery on way, way, way back in 2007. Since then, his left knee has been the source of his recent ailments. The last time he played basketball in an NBA game was December 5, 2009, which was nearly 800 days ago.

I'm no doctor of kneeology, but his knee looks just fine in this recent (NSFW-ish) photo with a topless 6"7 woman. Christ, what a mess.

We're live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Charlotte Bobcats.

I can count the Bobcats' wins on one hand, and still smoke a cigarette; they've beat Milwaukee, New York, and Golden State. I can sympathize. My fantasy team (The Slutty Sacagaweas) sits at the very bottom of the league as well; I too have have unrealistic expectations that Corey Maggette is going to come back soon and post big numbers; both of us are pretty much locked out of playoff contention. It's a sad state of affairs, believe me. But the Bobcats can take solace in the fact that oPortland isn't above dropping a game to the Pistons, or the Suns, or the Warriors. "Why not us?" they might ask.

Well: "You're 27th in the league in Points-For, and 29th in Points-Against. DJ Augustin will be sitting on the sidelines with Maggette, and Gerald Henderson, while suited up tonight, is still nursing a bad back." The game is, more or less, in the hands of Boris Diaw, Kemba Walker, Tyrus Thomas, and D.J. White (who holds the honor of being the second-best player named DJ on the worst team in the NBA). Then again, we've lost three of our last six, and all to very beatable teams. Batum is sitting out with a (go figure) knee injury, and Rhino's got the sniffles. If Gerald Wallace throws on a Bobcats jersey for old times' sake, we might have a game on our hands.

Follow all the hot live-blog action after the jump.

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In a scene all too familiar to Blazers fans, Portland came up short while on the road, falling 93-89 to the Utah Jazz last night. In a scene all too familiar to Blazers fans, a Portland player left the game with a horrifying knee injury. But other than those things, how was your Monday?

Nicolas Batum was the latest Blazer to be helped off the hardwood as he "twisted" (his words) or "fucked that shit up" (my words) his knee during the game's final minute. Wanna watch a French man suffer? Fine, click here. He downplayed the incident after the game, but a MRI today will determine if Batum is the first Blazers knee-related casualty of this season (other than Oden, I guess) or if his injury just looked worse than it actually was. Regardless, I am purchasing this oh-so-clever domain name.

Nearly as alarming as witnessing Batum's knee snap in two is how the Blazers once again collapsed when not surrounded by the Chalupa-starved masses at the Rose Garden. Now 3-8 on the road, Portland had little excuse to lose to a Utah team that was absent their top scorer in Al Jefferson. Yet they did. The usual suspects—Wesley Matthews, a turnover prone Jamal Crawford, a turnover eating Raymond Felton—all played their part in this latest meltdown. Toronto, Cleveland, New York, Minnesota—all of these teams have fared better away from home than Portland has this season. This fact isn't as looming as today's MRI results, but the Blazers inability to pick up wins outside of Portland is going to be a real issue in the coming months.

2:16 PM UPDATE:
...and exhale. The MRI robot says Batum has a left knee bone contusion. He'll be day-to-day.

I love a good roller derby shakeup, and Saturday's season opener of the Rose City Rollers home season seven had 'em in spades. The Guns N Rollers who didn't win a single game last year beat the blue snot out of the Heartless Heathers with a final score of GNR 164, HH 56. I think the rockin' broads of GNR are in for a bang-up year—they look fantastic out there, with junior roller derby veteran Braidy Punch making her debut like a total fireplug and scoring oodles of points, then nabbing GNR's MVP to boot. While relative GNR newcomer Untamed Shrew was rip-tearing it up too. The Heartless Heathers, meanwhile, were having a bit of a rough patch. They've suffered a considerable loss of long-time skaters, with about a half dozen newbies making their debuts at the opener, which makes for a green squad, prone to penalties and verboten back blocks. I'm sure those gals are going to get their shiznet together, but it definitely looks like a rebuilding season for the ice queens of the Heathers.

The real humdinger of a bout was the battle between the two top-ranked teams, the 2011 season champions the Break Neck Betties and the High Rollers. This was anyone's game. After an awesome lineup reveal of returning BNB skaters Megahurtz (who's excellent—I'm looking forward to watching her skate all season) and all-star Cadillac, HR kicked out the first jam with returning star Sully Skullkicker putting four points on the scoreboard. Then it was a scoreboard dance, each team changing leads with HR squeaking out the most points by halftime: HR 78, BNB 74. Crowd fave Napoleon Blownapart pulled over half of those HR points out of her spandex pocket. I got a little distracted by some Girl Scout cookies right after halftime—mmm, Samoas. The Betties took the lead shortly after the break, only to have the High Rollers nab it back. Then with one minute left in the game the score was HR 136, BNB 126. With two more points in their fuel tank, the High Rollers took home the win with a final of HR 138, BNB 126. That, my friends, was a great game. The next big bout is the High Rollers vs. Guns N Rollers out at the Hanger on February 18.

Check out footage of the GNR vs. Heathers bout after the jump.

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Saturday, January 21
Memorial Coliseum
5:45 pm, $14-24
(Don't have the green? Watch the live stream here.)

Hit the jump for the joints they expect to hit this evening.

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I mean, look at this shit.

• espn.com

He put on a muscle shirt, tied a blanket around his neck and didn't even dunk the goddamned basketball. He just threw it into the hoop. And he accepted the trophy they gave him that said "Slam Dunk Champion." He accepted it and smiled. I deem thee fraud, you smiling charlatan. You and your fuzzy little muppet friend Hedo.

• The Orlando Sentinel

Remember when this walking Adam's apple jilted us at the free agent altar back in 2009? I do. Granted, it was a good thing he did so (he's one of the only NBA stars who still believes in old 70s NBA traditions, like smoking cigarettes at halftime) but still, this pindick jilted us. For Toronto.

I will be liveblogging the battle between our fast-breakin' free-wheeling Blazers and the stand-around-and-watch-Dwight-Howard Magic tonight. Game begins at 7pm. Join me.

We're live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers welcome the Lob Angeles Clippers to town (it's time to stop all this "Lob City" bullshit? In terms of wasted nickname potential, it's on par with associating a dude who was born with the surname "Outlaw" with two different species of fish).

Last time the Blazers matched up against CP3 and the reigning president of The Sons of Tony Shalhoub (Tip of the hat to Cheston Knapp for his intrepid detective work), it wasn't pretty. Turnovers, poor rebounding, neither a half-court nor fast-break offense...and we didn't even have Andre Miller around to do this. A strong fourth brought us close, but it wasn't enough to make up for three bad quarters of basketball.

Good news: Since our last meeting, Raymond Felton's body fat has dropped to 12%. (Scratch that...I'm being told that's his shooting percentage from beyond the arc.) Still, the Blazers have put together quality wins against the Thunder and the Lakers, and, fingers-crossed, identified some of what doesn't work.

Lingering questions: Will Gerald Wallace show up tonight? Will Kurt Thomas break a hip? Will Chauncey Billups's starting position on my fantasy basketball team prove to be a conflict of interest? Follow along after the jump to find out...

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Are you ready for Cleveland? Is anyone ready for Cleveland?

PRE-GAME:

The Blazers should be hungry tonight. They were starved of anything resembling an offense against the Suns, and spent large amounts of the game stumbling around, staring into their hands all watery-eyed and confused like Frank Dux in the final fight of Bloodsport.

So Cleveland rolls into town, morphing before our eyes like a Looney Tunes mirage; They're no longer a team of twelve also-rans and castoffs trying to scrape together a respectable season. They're anthropomorphic cartoon hot dogs; bland vittles, offered up on the court to be consumed voraciously, one fast break at a time.

(This is where I'm supposed to insert a couple jokes about Raymond Felton and Craig Smith smacking their lips and rolling over the Cavs like Stephen King's Langoliers, a blizzard of rotundity and teeth, fueled by pure purpose.)

I think the reason Charles Barkley's been so up on this Blazers squad is that they remind him of himself. If Barkley had been a point guard? I bet he'd play a little like Raymond Felton. The Rhino already possesses a few Barkley-ish qualities in his game. I bet he watches these Blazers and flashes back to his '93 Suns, and that's not a bad squad for these Blazers to aspire to.

Cleveland's not gonna just lay there and get devoured, though. Portland's rediscovered their love of the fast break, but Cleveland's discovered an aptitude for stopping it. And I understand someone looking to write off a team led by Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varejao, owned by a hissy-fit throwing jackass who issues press releases that read like post-breakup journal entries, written in comic sans.

Comic fucking sans. Jesus.

But it could be more of a battle than some might expect. Cleveland's got a 4-3 record. Granted, the teams they've beaten have a collective record that, were it made physical, should be scraped off the bottom of a shoe with a stick, but a winning record is a winning record, and the Cavs (hell, that whole city) has something to prove.

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Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers welcome the Los Angeles Lakers to town.

Oh look, I'm back. Three months in fat camp—the whole "opening a bar" thing was to save the embarrassment of my crippling fudge addiction going public—and I'm ready to get back on the blogging horse. And my, what a majestic steed she is. The new up-tempo Blazers are the "best team in the West" according to Charles Barkley (we bunked together at fat camp—Chuck, baby, together we can beat this!) and currently sit atop the standings. It's been an unexpected start, especially when you consider how the team weathered the loss of Brandon Roy and this devoted puppy owner during the offseason.

Three solid hours of Raymond Felton fat jokes await you after the jump. Let's begin...

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Coming to you live from the press-row equivalent of the children's table, I'll be your blogger this evening as our Blazers take on the division-rival Denver Nuggets.

Both teams come into tonight's game with 2-0 records, but the Nuggets are on the tail end of a back-to-back after last night's romp through Utah. Still, with a solid second set, most of Denver's core only logged around 25 minutes last night...I wouldn't expect their lack of fresh legs to be a huge disadvantage (fun fact: Denver has exactly ZERO players born in 1972).

A couple familiar faces in the building this evening, as the Denver second string features former Blazers Rudy Fernandez and Andre Miller. Whether or not Rudy will strap on his 3-goggles tonight remains to seen, but one thing's for certain: the spaniard is out for blood.

Or, you know, just wants to hang out with his ol' buds again. I'll be posting all the hot live-blog action after the jump...

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Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers host the Anaheim Sacramento Kings!

Get ready for some tired, sloppy basketball, as both teams come into tonight having played their first game of the season less than twenty-four hours ago. The Blazers knocked off the 76ers (as quasi-chronicled here) while the Kings defeated the Los Angeles Lakers, a victory apparently so inspiring that owner Gavin Maloof felt like he wasn't going to survive unless he got a little crazy.

Sacramento comes into tonight with one secret weapon, and no, it's not the basketball Tebow: the team now has intimidating black jerseys, as opposed to majestic purple. So scary. So slimming.

Need more jersey tips? Follow along after the jump!

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Live from the Rose Garden, it's the Mercury's thirty-second annual Disney On Ice live blog extravaganza!!

(Checks notes.)

Oh, wait, scratch that. It looks like Santa finally received one of my letters—I'm still waiting for that pony though, fat man—and ended the basketball lockout for Christmas. Those interested in whether or not Jiminy Cricket can pull off a triple Salchow, sorry, tonight is not your night. Those interested in some hot Blazers live blog action, follow along after the jump!

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After yesterday's "done deal" Dwight-Howard-to-Jersey-Gerald-Wallace-to-Orlando-lots-'o-draft-picks-to-Portland trade fell apart, the final remaining free agency blip on the Blazers' radar will likely be addressed today. Jamal Crawford, the gifted offense weapon and former Sixth Man of the Year winner, is supposed to decide today which team he will call home in 2011-12 and beyond: Sacramento or Portland. The Blazers are the superior option, but the Kings' loose playing style under head coach Paul Westphal might be a better fit for the shot-happy Crawford. Evidently, he's really "torn" by this looming decision.

Well, this is where us Blogtownies can help.

Like so many bored NBA players, Crawford is a constant fixture on Twitter and he happily interacts with all of his fans (he's like Sam Elliott, but with a crossover move). Since Crawford is on the cusp of making such a monumental decision, perhaps we can help sway him towards choosing Portland? Own a small business? Send Crawford a tantalizing offer (12% off a teddy at Honeysuckle's Lingerie on 82nd!), or maybe just sell the free agent on how awesome it is to live here in Portland. Unlike Sacramento, I heard it never rains in Portland. NEVER!

I did my part. Now it's your turn.

8:10 update:
Looks like Marcus Camby beat you to it.

10:40 update:
Looks like "sources" say Crawford has chosen the Blazers. The deal is rumored to be two years, $10 million. The team will probably have to amnesty Brandon Roy's contract before making it official.

It worked! Aw crap, now I have to give him free drinks.

• Bye, Bye, Crash?

Playoffs? Lottery?

The Portland Trail Blazers want the former, but following last Friday's sudden announcement that Brandon Roy is hanging up the sneakers for good and that Greg Oden is a walking (or, sitting) cadaver, the latter option seems far more likely. The best way to avoid a prolonged slump that propels the Blazers to the bottom of the standings is for the franchise to be proactive and start building for the future now, which looks like Portland might be doing in possibly trading Gerald Wallace for a trio of draft picks. The deal would be part of a multi-team Dwight Howard trade (quit dreaming, he's not coming here), and it would free up more cash for the Blazers to sign coveted free-agent Jamal Crawford. Trading Wallace will also be a gesture to Nicolas Batum, who the Blazers plan on locking up before he can test the free agent waters next season.

If this Wallace trade goes through without the interference of the hand of God (David Stern), the Blazers will have enough money to ink deals with both Crawford and Carl Landry as well. Two excellent players off the bench and three draft picks is a great haul for Wallace, even if he is everyone's favorite Blazer. Also, it gives us an excuse to scream "WHERE THE FUCK IS WALLACE?" every time we walk into the Rose Garden.

Of course, Orlando is unlikely to panic and ship off Howard before the season begins, but stranger things have definitely happened. Regardless of the fate of Wallace, the Blazers are one of three suitors (the New York Knicks and the Sacramento Kings are the other two) remaining in the pursuit of Crawford, a decision he is expected to make by today or tomorrow.

Barring his holiness David Stern vetoing the trade for "basketball reasons," the Blazers have inked a deal with veteran big man Kurt Thomas to a two year deal. The only athlete that can make Marcus Camby look spry, the 39-year-old Thomas is the oldest player in the NBA, closer in age to head coach Nate McMillan than he is to his new teammate LaMarcus Aldridge. Thomas has played for eight previous teams—including something called the "Seattle Supersonics," which we all know is fake—and he underwent a second (or third, or fourth) coming last season with the Chicago Bulls where he started 37 games and filled in quite nicely for Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer.

Known for his defensive toughness and enforcer mentality—sadly, this seems to have extended to his off the court behavior as well—Thomas will be a welcome source of relief off the bench, plus he just might toughen up a Blazers team that so often is bullied in the paint. Don't believe me? Watch this totally '90s clip of "Big Daddy" tossing Dennis Rodman to the hardwood. You know you are feared in the NBA when the player who choked his coach calls you a "bruiser."

If the Blazers also sign lovable thug Joel Pryzbilla, they'll turn their bench into a the basketball equivalent of a Charles Bronson movie ("No judge, no jury, no appeals, no deals!").

Oh, who am I kidding? Thomas will go down with a debilitating knee injury by the time I finish typing this sentence...

• Getty Images
• Bye, Bye, Brandon

Sorry for not posting this earlier, I've had a difficult morning.

News is leaking out that Brandon Roy, the very face of the Portland Trail Blazers franchise, is retiring effective immediately.

This is a shocking (SHOCKING!) decision, especially since the Blazers front office went on record this past Monday stating their deep faith in the former three-time All-Star and his damaged knees. Earlier this week, the Blazers hyped up Roy's return to form and how he's ready to reclaim his role as a starter and NBA star. Sadly, the full extent of Roy's career-killing knee injury has never really been known (until now), but to snuff out such a marvelous career at the age of 27, it's clear that Roy's knees were damaged beyond repair.

For those more concerned with the future of the franchise, Roy's retirement means his salary will be removed from the Blazers' cap at the end of this season. Considering their upcoming crop of free agents (Camby, Oden, Felton, etc.), Portland might be set to be huge buyers in next season's free agent market.

But back to the matter at hand, this is truly a dark day here in Rip City. Roy's beaming charisma, last second heroics, and unparalleled leadership helped resurrect the Blazers franchise. Much of the team's success (both on the court and in fan attendance) from the past few years should be credited to Roy, and his presence will be sorely missed inside the Rose Garden.

All killer, slightly less than usual filler. The strike-shortened 2011-12 NBA schedule is jam-packed with game-after-game-game, with very little rest in between. For us fans it's great, but perhaps it's not so grand for the oft-injured, depth-challenged, Portland Trail Blazers. Their 66-game schedule (after the jump) is riddled back-to-back games and even a handful of cruel back-to-back-to-back games. Thank God, they have the well-rested legs of Earl Barron on the bench.

While the scheduling Gods might not have been so kind when they saddled the Blazers with a seven game road trip, they made up for it by pairing Portland against only three Eastern Conference teams (Atlanta Hawks, Milwaukee Bucks, and Washington Wizards) on more than one occasion. When it comes to the East, the Blazers are significantly better off playing those lowly three teams than having to lock horns twice with the likes of Miami, Boston, or Chicago.

In other Blazers' news, the team has once again pledged their loyalties to Brandon Roy and the sad remnants of Brandon Roy's knees. Despite this desperate column from the shimmering dome of sport journalism hackdom, the franchise seems to have no immediate plans to cash in their amnesty clause chip on Brandon Roy's bloated contract and in fact, the GM-less Blazers believe that Roy will once again compete for his starting job. Not sure how that is possible since Roy has tumbleweeds rolling around where his knee ligament should be, but let's worry about that later.

Did someone mention crippled knees and wasted potential? Greg Oden is reportedly "leaning" (poor choice of words, Yahoo) towards accepting the Blazers' qualifying offer of $8.8 million, meaning he'll have at least one more year in a Portland uniform. Or, as he is best remembered, one more year looking sad while wearing a suit on the Blazers' bench. Oden is scheduled to return to the court sometime in January.

Hey, basketball is back. Life is once again worth living.

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Tonight: The Rose City Rollers' newbies for the High Rollers and the Heartless Heathers are banding together to take on Eugene's Emerald City Roller Girls. 8 pm, $14-20, tickets here.

Tomorrow: The fresh recruits to the Break Neck Betties and the Guns N Rollers take out their aggressions on Medford's Southern Oregon Rollergirls. 6 pm, $14-20, tickets here.

Sunday: The junior skaters in the Rosebuds are holding a fundraiser bout for the Outdoor School. 3 pm, $7 (tickets at the door)

All this on top of a full schedule for the first-ever World Cup of roller derby taking place right now in Toronto. How is the USA team doing? Umm. They're doing okay. Thursday's game against Scotland ended with the final score USA 435, Scotland 1. Yipes. The USA plays either #8 Germany or #9 New Zealand on Saturday at 10:30 am PST with live coverage here.

Also, just a reminder that the league is hosting a charity donation drive for Impact NW during the weekend. Bring something from their donation list and you'll be entered into the raffle for a 2012 season pass. The winner will be announced that same night.