Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Detroit Pistons. The Blazers are fresh from a five game road trip, and much like this movie, a great time was had by all. There were laughs, tears (mostly from Travis Outlaw), and four victories to one measly defeat. The Pistons on the other hand, are worse off than the career of that film's star. At best, they are a transitional team with a bevy of injuries and a few bad contracts on the books. Blazers vs Pistons, let's get UNR8D...

A lot of you guys have been challenging the Mercury to a wheelbarrow race. Look—if we accepted all of your challenges, we wouldn't have to time to compete in other sports such as the egg toss, and the "drink a beer, run to the end of the yard, put your forehead on the end of a baseball bat, spin around three times and then stagger back to the finish line" race. And potato sackin'. And the three-legged race.
BESIDES! If your wheelbarrow team were to take on the Mercury wheelbarrow team? WE WOULD BREAK YOUR ASS IN HALF. Mostly because of our newest members, immediately drafted after we saw them in this video.

SAH-WEET WHEELBARROW MOVE, BROS. See ya at practice on Saturday.

Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Minnesota Timberwolves. Evidently the Timberwolves are an actual basketball team and not just a promotional vehicle for the Twilight: New Moon. I guess that would explain why my fantasy team is doing so poorly, I drafted these four guys. Then again, it is a "fantasy team"....

Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers meet the San Antonio Spurs in competitive five-on-five indoor basketball. Portland's 2-3 start isn't exactly the impressive beginning most fans were hoping for, but the Blazers have opened at a 2-3 clip eight of the past nine years, including last year's 54 win season. What's that? The Blazers also started 2-3 the year they won 21 games? Oh crap. We're all screwed.

I always think it's hilarious that soccer guys think they're so tough. However, I will NEVER, EVER, EVER say that about women's soccer—especially after seeing these gals in action. The BYU Women's Soccer Team takes on New Mexico… and JESUS CHRIST! It's like Reservoir Dogs out there!!

Pour a can of gasoline on her, why don'tcha??

PREGAME

An unfamiliar thing happened last week: I got depressed over a game. The Blazers lost a close one to the Nuggets because Greg Oden brick'd two free throws (like we knew he would) and I—along with a handful of friends who watched together—fell into the dumps. And though that somewhat familiar feeling was unwelcome, in a way it was strangely comforting.

Baseball stinks. I watch football, but only in the hopes of seeing a good game. College sports are just too hard to follow—too many players, teams and turnover. So thank Sports Jesus that basketball is back and not a moment too soon, what with the rolling back of daylight savings. Three or so days a week where the dark, cold evening can be at least partially averted—that is, just as long as the Blazers don't choke and thus compound the problem—lame sports depression compounding S.A.D.

But we don't expect that tonight, right? Naw—not against the Hawks, who are, when you think about it, the East Coast version of the Blazers. All kinds of young players resuscitating a franchise. High expectations. Lots of talk about potential. Strange as it might sound, the Hawks are about a year ahead. They've tied an NBA record with four-straight seasons with more wins and they've gotten out of the Playoffs first round. Then again they're the Hawks and this is probably the peak. Back to the dumpster with you!

Official Spread has Blazers -5.

Update: LaMarcus Aldridge, who was questionable with a banged up kneed, is warming up. Seems as if he'll go. Because you wouldn't get creepy stretches from a trainer with your legs splayed open like that just for fun, right?

Update 2: The Blog Software is being a finicky little bitch and refusing to send these posts live. We'll keep reporting, and hopefully it'll pop on up sooner than later.

Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Denver Nuggets in a really important basketball game. The reason tonight is so important—other than it being Winona Ryder's birthday (Happy 37th, babe.)—is because the Northwest Division will most likely come down to Portland and Denver, and the margin between the two teams will be slimmer than Winona in Jarmusch's Night on Earth. Since someone has to win the division—and it ain't gonna be Oklahoma City—the Blazers need to put as much distance between them at the Nuggets as possible.

Come on in. Nerdy basketball jokes and Heathers references await.

Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers meet the Houston Rockets and kickoff the 2009-10 season. It's been 181 days since the Rockets pulled the plug on the Blazers' season, a short-lived victory for a Houston team that was soon annihilated by a Lakers lineup that now has big shiny championship rings. But the Blazers want their revenge. And a win. While us fans will just settle for a win and the complete set of '92-'93 Dairy Queen Collector glasses in their original packaging. You have not had a Oreo Blizzard until you've sipped one through a frosty Harvey Grant glass.

• I think you can see the exact moment where Batum tore his labrum.

Turns out that French people are not made of Adamantium and they cannot instantly regenerate their muscles—I had them confused with Wolverine—so that means that young Nicolas Batum will miss 3-5 months following surgery for a torn right labrum.

Congratulations Martell Webster, you now get to start.
Congratulations Travis Outlaw, you will no longer be traded to the WNBA for Margo Dydek.

This is bad news for a Blazers team that is getting used to injury news popping up at the dawn of a new season—remember this?—but they'll manage since Batum's position (SF) was already backlogged with talent. The one area where the team will truly be hurt is on the defensive end of the court, where neither Webster or Outlaw can match Batum's tenacity and ability to smother an opposing player. Not that we're counting, but the Blazers season starts in less than 28 hours.

Rest assured Blazers fans: LaMarcus Aldridge is not going anywhere anytime soon. In an odd day for the Blazers franchise that featured the signing of Paddy Patty Mills—plus the cutting of Jarron Collins and North Portland's very own Ime Udoka—Aldridge got his big boy paycheck, rumored to be $70 million over five years. Now he can sell that house and get a bigger pad.

Link: Blazers Edge

Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers meet the Utah Jazz in completely meaningless preseason basketball. Tonight is supposed to be a sneak peek at a possible regular season starting lineup for the Blazers—Blake, Roy, Batum, Aldridge, Przybilla—plus plenty of Andre Miller thrown in the mix as well. There will be no Greg Oden (thigh injury) or Rudy Fernandez (back injury, too handsome), but Kosta Koufos is in the house, y'all.

Live from the Rose Garden Memorial Coliseum as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Phoenix Suns in completely useless preseason basketball. Tonight is the first meaningful event to take place in this building—My Chemical Romance concerts and Motorcycle Ice Racing do not count—since May 2nd, 1995, when Phoenix (ironically) eliminated the Blazers from the playoffs and ended the team's run in the coliseum. Enjoy it now before this building is demolished and becomes "Jumptown." In fact, the section I'm blogging from will be the future site of the T.G.I. Fuddruckers Family Fun Wing Emporium. Order up a platter of Exxxtreme Jalapeno Nacho Poppers with Chipotle Ranch Dippin' Sauce and let's get going...

This photo, and title, is courtesy of our pals at Blazers Edge. It seems that new—yet older than dirt—Blazer Juwan Howard is sporting this stylish bandage to cover a massive scratch on his forehead. It's a good look, I hope he stays with it all season.

It's Monday, ya'll! And you need some INSPIRATION. So I want you to get out there, and watch this video of a four-year-old doing a spot-on impersonation of Kurt Russell's locker room speech in Miracle, in which the 1980 U.S. hockey team gave those godless Rooskies the ass-whuppin' they so rightly deserved! THIS IS YOUR TIME, PEOPLE! DON'T EFFING BLOW IT!

So Obama's trip to convince world leaders in Copenhagen that Chicago should host the 2016 Olympics has fallen flat, but I'm actually feeling pretty good about Rio de Janeiro right now. Read what happened when it was announced the city won the bid:

"The announcement was shown live on Rio’s Copacabana beach, where tens of thousands of people had begun the party early in front of a main stage flanked by screens. As the envelope was opened in Copenhagen and the city’s name rang out, a loud scream rose from the crowd. Confetti exploded from the stage, as the people, dressed in shorts and bikinis, jumped to samba music and waved Brazilian flags and balloons of green and yellow, the national colors. The crowd spread to the water’s edge, and more people continued to arrive for a celebration that promised to last well into the night."

I'm glad they had the confetti cannons and bikini-clad crowds on hand JUST IN CASE.

Turn your speakers up. All the way, chickenshit.

See? Don't fuck with polar bears. And go to hockey games. Or something. I don't know. I love it. Hat tip to RT.

• Photo borrowed from the blog Jargon Scott
• Nishimura is all smiles. Click for more amazing Timbers pictures

First of all, We Won The League! our first Commissioner's Cup since 2004, a fitting end to a record setting regular season.

Lastly, the Mighty Timbers face the Vancouver Whitecaps in a Home & Home quarterfinal playoff series starting on October 1st in Vancouver, and October 4th here in Portland.

Feel like you missed something in there? All the highlights from the season and the final regular season game, below the fold.

Oh, I totally forgot how boring media day can be. Not only was the buffet totally snooze-worthy—Turkey wraps?—the Q&A sessions tend to drag on for far too long. To summarize: Pretty much everyone wants to play (even Bayless, how cute), they have all been working "really hard" in the off-season, and Greg Oden liked the new Bruce Willis movie. The most exciting news of the entire afternoon is that Travis Outlaw now has hair. This changes everything.

Our Andrew Tonry filmed the two clips here—with a skinny Oden and a hairy Outlaw—so you can get an idea of how this works and maybe drum up a little excitement for the upcoming season. The Oden one cuts off at the end, so you'll miss the part where he gets whistled for traveling and then fouls out. Who knew you could foul out of media day?

Today is a big day for us Blazers stalkers, as it's the team's official media day and our first opportunity to ask the players if they plan on giving it 110% (or the inferior 109%).

Blogtown will be there with team coverage (we heard there might be a buffet with king crab legs) and our longstanding commitment to professionalism (see the above image). Depending on our buffet intake, we'll post the details—and maybe some videos—today or tomorrow. If you have any [real] questions you want us to ask the players, comment below.

Hey, less than a month before the season starts...

Man enough for roller derby, that is? Now that the resurgence of women's roller derby has reached critical mass (you know you're playing an established sport when Drew Barrymore makes a movie about it), the Rose City Rollers are letting the boys into their tree house. Tonight is the first men's derby bout in Oregon, and it's not to late to sign up! You have until the 7 pm pre-bout meeting at which they will give you the basic rundown and then turn you loose on each other (all the nitty gritty deets are here). If you just wanna watch this historic event, roll up to the Oaks Park roller rink with $5 at 8 pm—there won't be concessions, though, so bring your own snacks!