I was too busy poisoning my tonsils with bourbon at last night's annual Mercury karaoke party to hate-watch NBC's The Sound of Music Live starring Carrie Underwood. Luckily for us, Cameron Diaz was watching and tweeted the definitive opinion on the subject.
And really... isn't that all that any of us need to know?
The real question: Who filled out the form?
I missed an Amazon drone delivery. pic.twitter.com/neJxYANj6p
— B to A to the R R Y (@QuantumPirate) December 2, 2013
Jimmy Kimmel's "Celebrity Mean Tweets" segments are not only consistently hilarious, they play a valuable public service: Hopefully mean tweeters will watch this and say, "Hey, I really hurt that celebrity's feelings... and I got on TV. LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!"
Benjamin Kunkle at n+1 has issued a manifesto:
1. Social media should be socialized because services tend to be or become monopolies. Most private enterprises, whatever their business, have at least a few competitors. Large social media companies—Facebook, Twitter—tend to lack competitors, for the simple reason that their platforms are not compatible. I can’t create a profile on a non-Facebook site that then appears on Facebook, and no microblogging service could emerge to challenge Twitter unless it were capable of inducing mass defections. Social media services or social utilities, as they would better be called, are thus more like highways or railroads than like car manufacturers or freight companies.
Also: "Social media should be socialized because its content is produced by society at large, and society is distinct from the economy." Or, as a Tweet that recently came my way put it: "We're all unpaid interns working for Twitter in exchange for exposure." Read the whole thing.
Fox News has been having a rough time of it lately—for allegedly creating false Twitter accounts to bolster their image, and for... you know... lying all the time. Luckily for them Stephen Colbert is there to help them out by setting up a brand new Twitter account called @RealHumanPraise, which substitutes Fox News anchors into lines from positive movie reviews... every two minutes! Watch his explanation here, and check out the small hilarious sampling below!
Mike Huckabee's haunting, hallucinatory Vietnam War epic is punditry at its most audacious and visionary. #PraiseFOX
— Real Human Praise (@RealHumanPraise) November 5, 2013
Beautifully written and anchored by the great Sean Hannity, bittersweet and heartfelt, this is sheer delight. #PraiseFOX
— Real Human Praise (@RealHumanPraise) November 5, 2013
History may be written by the winners, but On the Record with Greta Van Susterens tells the story of life's lovable losers #PraiseFOX
— Real Human Praise (@RealHumanPraise) November 5, 2013
If this doesn't rescue Fox News, nothing will! Read 'em all here!
Yesterday I alerted you to the hilariously tone deaf tweet by Philly's FOX 29 reporter Joyce Evans, who compared a local drive-by shooting/murder to an episode of Breaking Bad in order to lure in viewers. Though she's furiously backpedaling at the moment, and I suggested she should have her Twitter feed taken away forever, a quick look at her other tweets shows that this is a reporter WHO REALLY KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING on social media! Don't stop, Joyce!
I know you wanna see it.@FOX29philly How DO you fix earlobes stretched wide open by those heavy gauges. Ooh Wee! Tonite on Fox29NewsAt 10
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) October 3, 2013
Husband hides as wife HAS TWINS ON BATHROOM FLOOR @FOX29philly local man accused of vile act inside Disney World bathroom. Tonite @ Ten
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) August 19, 2013
How you livin'? Longer! How you feelin'? Uhhhhhh @FOX29philly I'm Baaack! Tonight at 10pm
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) July 22, 2013
How far would you go to stop your thighs from rubbing together? @FOX29philly the skinny on Thigh Gap tonight at 10pm
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) July 10, 2013
No such thing as too much BUTT? Depends on if you're takin' it to the stage or to the GRAVE! @FOX29philly Getting REARS N GEAR 2NITE @ Ten
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) November 16, 2012
THE POLE RULES! @FOX29philly See grandma work it well. TONIGHT at TEN! Watch out now!
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) November 1, 2012
Last night's South Park slams Alec Baldwin, homophobia, Twitter, thumbs, and generalized internet diarrhea all in one HEEE-LARIOUSLY perfect clip. Watch this quick before they yank it! (Audio NSFW!)
Face-swapping kids and dolls. Officially the creepiest thing the Internet has ever made. Shut. It. Down. http://t.co/JWYgpeCLvZ
— Joe Hanson (@jtotheizzoe) August 20, 2013
Twitter, which has apparently been much better about saying no to the NSA than the other tech giants, says that more and more governments want to get a hold of your private information:
The company's latest transparency report, now a biannual affair, shows a steady increase in information requests from governments around the world, including those for user account information, which Twitter said typically are made in connection with criminal investigations or cases. For the first six months of 2013, Twitter received 1,157 requests, up from 1,009 in the second half of 2012 and 849 in the first half of 2012.
Whenever I write about Twitter and privacy, people tend to respond with something like, "isn't Twitter for narcissistic over-sharers anyway?" And, you know, sure, kinda. Partially. But governments aren't interested in your public posts about what you ate for lunch. They're interested in the identities behind anonymous Twitter accounts. They're interested in Twitter's private messaging system, which has become a preferred way for protesters to keep in touch when they're planning and undertaking actions. There's a lot of very damaging private information on the site, even though it has a reputation as being too public.
After his Twitter blow-up last week in which he called Daily Mail reporter George Stark a "queen" and insinuated he liked anal sex (in my family, that's a compliment), Alec Baldwin has vowed to quit Twitter FOREVER. Here's what he told Vanity Fair when asked if he would return to the social media platform:
Never. No. I went to Jimmy Gandolfini’s funeral, and when I was there I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn’t have Twitter. Jimmy Gandolfini was so beloved as a person, and he was so admired as an actor, and he didn’t give a fuck about social media.
I really learned a lesson at the funeral. I said to myself, This is all a waste of time. Meaning it’s fun sometimes, but less and less, and less. It’s just another chink in your armor for people to come and kill you.
A poll, if you will.
BTW, don't miss my monologue in this Friday and Saturday's LONE WOLVES: Solo Sketch Comedy Show entitled "Taylor Swift: Music Superstar." It's got puppets.
Jose Canseco, who has been accused by both of his ex-wives of domestic violence in the past, was approached by police officers in Las Vegas as part of a rape investigation, according to Canseco's Twitter feed. How did Canseco respond? By tweeting the name of the woman Canseco says has accused him of rape, along with what he claimed to be a photo of her and her phone number. The tweets—there were two clusters of them—have since been deleted, but BuzzFeed has screen captures of them (with the name and personal information redacted).
Now, people are calling for Canseco to be kicked off of Twitter for posting the personal information of a woman whom he believes has accused him of rape. I used to follow Canseco on Twitter because he was kind of funny, but his propensity to angrily publish the personal information of whatever woman he's obsessing over—and he's done this on multiple occasions—was way too creepy for my tastes.
Whether this is an actual Twitter catfight or a fakey promotional stunt, few people do passive-aggressive MEOW PFFSST! PFFSST! tweet wars like the one Michael Ian Black and Marc Maron are currently engaged in. Here's just a sample. A SAMPLE!
Meeee-OW!! Read the entire war here.
Here's a provocative headline from CNN Money:
Peter Thiel: Twitter will outlast the New York Times
Sounds like an old-fashioned bar bet to me!
Courtesy of Doghouse Diaries, here is perhaps the ultimate unwritten Laws of Twitter list—presented in convenient "score card" format.
While I generally abhor anyone one person or organization declaring "rules" for the internet—I thought this was pretty spot on. Notice anything they missed?
We are all in agreement that comedian @robdelaney has one of the most heeeelarious twitter accounts in the Twitterverse—and I'm sorry I just said "Twitterverse." Fuck a "Twitterverse." WHERE WAS I?? Oh, yeah. To celebrate Rob Delaney on his show, Jimmy Kimmel gets a bunch of old people to read Delaney's tweets... and they do a great job! GREAT JOB, OLD PEOPLE! You can die now.
To celebrate moving his show to 11:35 pm, Jimmy Kimmel brings back one of my fave segments, "Celebrities Read Mean Tweets," in which... ummm... celebrities read mean tweets. And trust me, this one is a SCA-REAM! My fave is Tom Arnold's... which is yours?
And the pope has lots of followers...
...but I'm one of them. Hard to say how many other folks, like me and Rob Delaney, are following the pope for shits and giggles. But some folks are following the pope because they're still pretty pissed about all those raped kids:
The first papal tweet has been the subject of intense curiosity—as well as merciless jokes, criticism and commentary. "The pope has an iPad?" comedian Jon Stewart asked earlier this year. The Onion satirical newspaper ran a piece "Pope tweets picture of self with God." And in perhaps a more long-term and problematic issue for the Vatican, the (at)Pontifex handle was flooded with negative messages from users remarking on the clerical sex abuse scandal.
My first message to the pope? Just wanted to share one of my favorite YouTube videos of all time with Bennie, in case he missed it:
Anderson Cooper don't take no mess—especially on his Twitter machine from dumb internet troll Pamela Weiss.
Here's that original "flan tweet" Anderson was talking about.
Go Pamela Weiss—and troll no more. More hilarious Anderson burn tweets here.
First, Ann Coulter said this:
Then the internet said this:
Oh... much more after the jump.
Who doesn't like funny debate tweets? NOBODY THAT'S WHO! (Except gangbangers and CHINA.)
More after the jump!
Yesterday, Twitter banned sportswriter Guy Adams for calling out NBC's terrible Olympics coverage. It looked like Twitter suspended Adams's account because he was mocking NBC, and NBC has a corporate sponsorship with Twitter for the duration of the Olympics.
Overnight, the news broke that Twitter in fact alerted NBC to Adams's tweets and urged them to file a complaint, which eventually got Adams suspended from Twitter. This is about as shitty as it gets. Twitter is a communications service, and they should not have any control over what gets said on their service. They especially should not protect their corporate partners from criticism. Imagine your Hotmail account banning you because you're complaining about your XBox not working in an email to your friends and you have an idea of how bad this is.
Now, Twitter's general counsel, Alex Macgillivray, writes that Twitter has reinstated Adams's account and says that the company apologizes for their actions:
That said, we want to apologize for the part of this story that we did mess up. The team working closely with NBC around our Olympics partnership did proactively identify a Tweet that was in violation of the Twitter Rules and encouraged them to file a support ticket with our Trust and Safety team to report the violation, as has now been reported publicly. Our Trust and Safety team did not know that part of the story and acted on the report as they would any other.
As I stated earlier, we do not proactively report or remove content on behalf of other users no matter who they are. This behavior is not acceptable and undermines the trust our users have in us. We should not and cannot be in the business of proactively monitoring and flagging content, no matter who the user is — whether a business partner, celebrity or friend. As of earlier today, the account has been unsuspended, and we will actively work to ensure this does not happen again.
Jimmy Kimmel has been gathering cruel, taunting tweets directed at celebrities, and then asking the celebrities to read them on air. Here are the best. (OMG, I WANT TO SEND A MEAN TWEET TO SNOOKI JUST SO I CAN SEE THAT PRICELESS LOOK ON HER FACE AGAIN!!)
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