Currently Ian Karmel is trending in Memphis. How did such a thing occur? The answer lies in Ian's "Everything as Fuck" column this week in which he ladled on a heaping helping of hilarious shit-talk on the Memphis Grizzlies. READ IT HERE. Then Ian tweeted this:
As it turns out, people in Memphis have Twitter, too! And they used theirs to say things like this:
At least one person hoped that Ian would "die slowly."
Then it gets a bit confusing... because some of the tweets are protected... but someone threatened Ian with a gun.
Which led to....
Should people be called out for dumbshit things they say on Twitter? YES, THEY SHOULD. Do YOU need to call them out after they've been called out by a million other people? NO, YOU DO NOT. At that point, you're dog-piling... and nobody respects anyone on top of the dog-pile.
And with that, here's Jon Stewart asking you to give incoming Daily Show host Trevor Noah a chance to earn your respect... or not! (If you want to dog-pile Jon Stewart with love, I guess that's okay.)
In case you missed it, yesterday we posted this on our Twitter account:
This did not sit well with Baptist preacher and new Oregon resident Tom Estes, who tweeted us back the following:
OH NO HE JUST DID NOT. But don't worry folks, Portland #1 Fan and Ambassador Ian Karmel quickly and decisively jumped to our defense.
Just another in a long list of reasons why our beloved Ian Karmel IS... THE... BEST.
Yay! It's another installment of Jimmy Kimmel's "Mean Tweets" in which celebrities (like Gwyneth Paltrow, Britney Spears, Lena Dunham, and more) read the meanest, stupidest—though sometimes cleverest—tweets about them. Pay strict attention to Chloë Moretz—she delivers one of the sickest reverse burns I've heard in quite a while!
I've been a fan of Twitter for five years now, and a vocal Twitter advocate. But over the last year, I've become less and less enchanted with Twitter, to the point where I've thought about quitting the service multiple times. My complaint has nothing to do with advertising in the timeline—they've gotta make money somehow—but with the normalization of Twitter discussion. It's become a boring stew of self-promotion, self-righteous finger-wagging over the latest media event, pointless arguments that never change minds, and inane chatter about television shows. I roll my eyes at Twitter a lot these days.
Part of the reason I've not quit Twitter yet is that I still believe in the simplicity of the service: Short bulletins, arranged in strict chronological order, amounting to a real-time view of how thousands of people see and understand the world. I've harbored the suspicion that if I unfollowed a number of people who I now follow—especially the media types, who are the most infuriating—I could remake my timeline into something worth my attention again. There must still be people out there in the world who are intelligently toying with the formal constraints of Twitter, who have something interesting to say, who don't want to bludgeon the world to death with their boring opinions?
Today, though, it occurs to me that maybe it's time to quit Twitter once and for all. Twitter can't stop talking about Twitter—specifically, they're discussing this Wall Street Journal overview of a presentation by Twitter CFO Anthony Noto:
Twitter’s timeline is organized in reverse chronological order, a delivery system that has not changed since the product was created eight years ago and one that some early adopters consider sacred to the core Twitter experience. But this “isn’t the most relevant experience for a user,” Noto said. Timely tweets can get buried at the bottom of the feed if the user doesn’t have the app open, for example. “Putting that content in front of the person at that moment in time is a way to organize that content better.”
Noto does clarify that chronological order isn't going completely away: "Individual users are not going to wake up one day and find their timeline completely ranked by an algorithm.” But that's not enough of a promise for me. If Twitter fucks with the chronological order of the service, I will be done with Twitter. If I couldn't trust Twitter to provide me with real-time updates of protests in Ferguson, or the Occupy protests, or the Boston Marathon bombing, I would have no use for Twitter. I can find some other way to hang out with friends. I already belong to one social network that whitewashes the news and churns out a repetitive slurry of feel-good posts; I don't need another one.
Michelangelo Signorile wants you to show your support for football player Michael Sam—and your contempt for the people who are still freaking out about Sam kissing his boyfriend—by changing your profile pics on Facebook and Twitter:
"Gay people need to be kissing more in public. There simply needs to be more queer smooching to desensitize the world. So with that, I hereby launch the Great Facebook Kiss-In, urging everyone—whether gay, straight or bi—to change their profile pics to two women kissing or two men kissing. Maybe it's you and your husband or wife, or your partner or sweetheart, or you and a friend. Maybe it's your dad and your dad, or your mom and your mom. Maybe it's two other people you just like a lot or you think are hot. Just change your profile pic to a kissing same-sex couple, and urge others to do the same. And for that matter let's do it on Twitter, too. One day in the future we will look back on all this ridiculousness and laugh. But that's only going to happen if we do exactly this kind of thing a lot. So change those profile photos now."
Twitter users: You know how sometimes you follow friends and they go on long rants about TV shows that nobody should ever care about? And you know how you don't want to unfollow them because it feels too rude? Today is a very happy day for you: Twitter is enabling a mute function, so you'll be able to feel like a polite friend without clogging up your timeline with useless information.
Muting a user on Twitter means their Tweets and Retweets will no longer be visible in your home timeline, and you will no longer receive push or SMS notifications from that user. The muted user will still be able to fave, reply to, and retweet your Tweets; you just won’t see any of that activity in your timeline. The muted user will not know that you’ve muted them, and of course you can unmute at any time.
I can think of a few folks I'll have to mute during baseball season. Speaking of muting assholes on Twitter, I just started a Twitter list of potential 2016 presidential candidates and other prominent political types. You're welcome.
Non-Twitter users: God, Twitter is so stupid, isn't it? Who cares what you ate for lunch? It's all like, whatever happened to human interaction in real life? Doesn't anybody remember what eye contact was like? Why, just the other day, I looked around on the bus and everybody was Twittering on their phones and nobody was talking! It's outrageous, is what it is. Simply outrageous.
Yesterday, Twitter made some changes to its service. Ashley Feinberg wrote about them for Gizmodo:
Not only can a single tweet now hold multiple photos (each with up to 10 tagged friends), but none of that extra baggage takes away any of your precious characters.
I'm not crazy about Twitter's newfound love of photographs. I love Twitter for its words, its one-liners and brief observations that can change the way we look about a breaking story. But most of all, I love Twitter for its constraints. As I've been saying for years, Twitter was something akin to a new literary form in the way it constrained its writers, haiku-like, to 140-character chunks of text. And if you wanted to include a photograph with your text, you'd lose twenty characters of that 140. If you wanted to include a link and a photograph, as a lot of news organizations do in their tweets right now, you're down to 100 characters. So how do you relay important information, remain readable, and squeeze your voice into 100 characters? That's the challenge of Twitter, and it's made me a better editor over the years. My refusal to use text-speak—I'll occasionally put in an "&" in place of an "and," if I'm desperate—means that I have had to strip my thoughts down to their barest, most clear states.
But now that 20-character penalty is gone for photographs, and you don't have to use up any characters to tag another person in the photos, either. The constraints are slowly fading away. It's a relaxation of the rules of the game that makes the whole thing less fun to me. I'm not swearing off Twitter or declaring Twitter to be dead or anything like that, but I do forsee a change in the way people use the service. It's very likely going to become something like a real-time photo-sharing service, where the words take a back seat to the image. That's already happened with blogs, and with Facebook, and with pretty much every site that I've ever enjoyed. Words coax and argue and inspire. Images grab your attention. Images lead pageviews. Images sell shit. In this economy, images are always going to win.
There are still ways to counter these changes, of course. I can and will happily unfollow anyone who posts more photos than texts. I can shape my Twitter stream into whatever I like. But I can also see a point where, if Twitter is incautious, these changes completely sap the fun and creativity out of the service. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen.
Someone in the office just looked up their first tweet and said that. You can look up your first tweet here. Everyone rolls their eyes when an internet thing like this comes along, and then we all turn toward our computers and do what we just rolled our eyes about doing. My first tweet was apparently a Flannery O'Conner joke. #embarrassing #typical #figures
I'm stealing "Lana Del Rey THAT" as my new catchphrase.
Hat tips to WOW!
I was too busy poisoning my tonsils with bourbon at last night's annual Mercury karaoke party to hate-watch NBC's The Sound of Music Live starring Carrie Underwood. Luckily for us, Cameron Diaz was watching and tweeted the definitive opinion on the subject.
And really... isn't that all that any of us need to know?
The real question: Who filled out the form?
I missed an Amazon drone delivery. pic.twitter.com/neJxYANj6p
— B to A to the R R Y (@QuantumPirate) December 2, 2013
Jimmy Kimmel's "Celebrity Mean Tweets" segments are not only consistently hilarious, they play a valuable public service: Hopefully mean tweeters will watch this and say, "Hey, I really hurt that celebrity's feelings... and I got on TV. LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!"
Benjamin Kunkle at n+1 has issued a manifesto:
1. Social media should be socialized because services tend to be or become monopolies. Most private enterprises, whatever their business, have at least a few competitors. Large social media companies—Facebook, Twitter—tend to lack competitors, for the simple reason that their platforms are not compatible. I can’t create a profile on a non-Facebook site that then appears on Facebook, and no microblogging service could emerge to challenge Twitter unless it were capable of inducing mass defections. Social media services or social utilities, as they would better be called, are thus more like highways or railroads than like car manufacturers or freight companies.
Also: "Social media should be socialized because its content is produced by society at large, and society is distinct from the economy." Or, as a Tweet that recently came my way put it: "We're all unpaid interns working for Twitter in exchange for exposure." Read the whole thing.
Fox News has been having a rough time of it lately—for allegedly creating false Twitter accounts to bolster their image, and for... you know... lying all the time. Luckily for them Stephen Colbert is there to help them out by setting up a brand new Twitter account called @RealHumanPraise, which substitutes Fox News anchors into lines from positive movie reviews... every two minutes! Watch his explanation here, and check out the small hilarious sampling below!
Mike Huckabee's haunting, hallucinatory Vietnam War epic is punditry at its most audacious and visionary. #PraiseFOX
— Real Human Praise (@RealHumanPraise) November 5, 2013
Beautifully written and anchored by the great Sean Hannity, bittersweet and heartfelt, this is sheer delight. #PraiseFOX
— Real Human Praise (@RealHumanPraise) November 5, 2013
History may be written by the winners, but On the Record with Greta Van Susterens tells the story of life's lovable losers #PraiseFOX
— Real Human Praise (@RealHumanPraise) November 5, 2013
If this doesn't rescue Fox News, nothing will! Read 'em all here!
Yesterday I alerted you to the hilariously tone deaf tweet by Philly's FOX 29 reporter Joyce Evans, who compared a local drive-by shooting/murder to an episode of Breaking Bad in order to lure in viewers. Though she's furiously backpedaling at the moment, and I suggested she should have her Twitter feed taken away forever, a quick look at her other tweets shows that this is a reporter WHO REALLY KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING on social media! Don't stop, Joyce!
I know you wanna see it.@FOX29philly How DO you fix earlobes stretched wide open by those heavy gauges. Ooh Wee! Tonite on Fox29NewsAt 10
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) October 3, 2013
Husband hides as wife HAS TWINS ON BATHROOM FLOOR @FOX29philly local man accused of vile act inside Disney World bathroom. Tonite @ Ten
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) August 19, 2013
How you livin'? Longer! How you feelin'? Uhhhhhh @FOX29philly I'm Baaack! Tonight at 10pm
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) July 22, 2013
How far would you go to stop your thighs from rubbing together? @FOX29philly the skinny on Thigh Gap tonight at 10pm
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) July 10, 2013
No such thing as too much BUTT? Depends on if you're takin' it to the stage or to the GRAVE! @FOX29philly Getting REARS N GEAR 2NITE @ Ten
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) November 16, 2012
THE POLE RULES! @FOX29philly See grandma work it well. TONIGHT at TEN! Watch out now!
— Joyce Evans (@JoyceEvansFox29) November 1, 2012
Last night's South Park slams Alec Baldwin, homophobia, Twitter, thumbs, and generalized internet diarrhea all in one HEEE-LARIOUSLY perfect clip. Watch this quick before they yank it! (Audio NSFW!)
Face-swapping kids and dolls. Officially the creepiest thing the Internet has ever made. Shut. It. Down. http://t.co/JWYgpeCLvZ
— Joe Hanson (@jtotheizzoe) August 20, 2013
Twitter, which has apparently been much better about saying no to the NSA than the other tech giants, says that more and more governments want to get a hold of your private information:
The company's latest transparency report, now a biannual affair, shows a steady increase in information requests from governments around the world, including those for user account information, which Twitter said typically are made in connection with criminal investigations or cases. For the first six months of 2013, Twitter received 1,157 requests, up from 1,009 in the second half of 2012 and 849 in the first half of 2012.
Whenever I write about Twitter and privacy, people tend to respond with something like, "isn't Twitter for narcissistic over-sharers anyway?" And, you know, sure, kinda. Partially. But governments aren't interested in your public posts about what you ate for lunch. They're interested in the identities behind anonymous Twitter accounts. They're interested in Twitter's private messaging system, which has become a preferred way for protesters to keep in touch when they're planning and undertaking actions. There's a lot of very damaging private information on the site, even though it has a reputation as being too public.
After his Twitter blow-up last week in which he called Daily Mail reporter George Stark a "queen" and insinuated he liked anal sex (in my family, that's a compliment), Alec Baldwin has vowed to quit Twitter FOREVER. Here's what he told Vanity Fair when asked if he would return to the social media platform:
Never. No. I went to Jimmy Gandolfini’s funeral, and when I was there I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn’t have Twitter. Jimmy Gandolfini was so beloved as a person, and he was so admired as an actor, and he didn’t give a fuck about social media.
I really learned a lesson at the funeral. I said to myself, This is all a waste of time. Meaning it’s fun sometimes, but less and less, and less. It’s just another chink in your armor for people to come and kill you.
A poll, if you will.
BTW, don't miss my monologue in this Friday and Saturday's LONE WOLVES: Solo Sketch Comedy Show entitled "Taylor Swift: Music Superstar." It's got puppets.
Jose Canseco, who has been accused by both of his ex-wives of domestic violence in the past, was approached by police officers in Las Vegas as part of a rape investigation, according to Canseco's Twitter feed. How did Canseco respond? By tweeting the name of the woman Canseco says has accused him of rape, along with what he claimed to be a photo of her and her phone number. The tweets—there were two clusters of them—have since been deleted, but BuzzFeed has screen captures of them (with the name and personal information redacted).
Now, people are calling for Canseco to be kicked off of Twitter for posting the personal information of a woman whom he believes has accused him of rape. I used to follow Canseco on Twitter because he was kind of funny, but his propensity to angrily publish the personal information of whatever woman he's obsessing over—and he's done this on multiple occasions—was way too creepy for my tastes.
Whether this is an actual Twitter catfight or a fakey promotional stunt, few people do passive-aggressive MEOW PFFSST! PFFSST! tweet wars like the one Michael Ian Black and Marc Maron are currently engaged in. Here's just a sample. A SAMPLE!
Meeee-OW!! Read the entire war here.
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