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Winter Is Coming

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Winter Is Coming

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Death and the Salesmen

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TV

Monday, March 23, 2015

The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club: Rick Grimes, Goodwill Ambassador

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 23, 2015 at 9:59 AM

Hey, did you guys catch last night's episode of The Walking Dead? Ummmm... I don't think Obama's gonna nominate Rick for any ambassador posts anytime soon! Let's talk more about it, okay? My spoiler-filled recap follows the jump, and as always, I'd love to hear your opinion. Let's get chitty-chatting!

And now Id like to perform the closing number from Sweeney Todd. And-a-one-a, and-a-two-a....
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "And now I'd like to perform the closing number from Sweeney Todd. And-a-one-a, and-a-two-a...."

MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

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Friday, March 20, 2015

Who Wants to Watch the Duggars Give a Kissing Lesson to their Daughter?

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Mar 20, 2015 at 8:59 AM

There is absolutely no reason why you should be watching 19 Kids and Counting—the terrrrrrible Christian TLC show featuring Dan Savage's favorite punching bags, the Duggars. However, now and then it's okay to open your fingers and take a weeeeee little sneaky peek at the fucked up lives of these people. In this clip, Papa Duggar is giving some Alan Alda-esque advice to his daughter and her future hubby (who are saving their first kiss for marriage!!) about what women really want: communication. (Thanks for the mansplanation, Jim Bob!) But the money shot comes at the 2:23 mark when Papa gives the kids a lesson in how to kiss—which is one of the most cringe-inducing, creepy moments you'll see today, I betcha! Enjoy?

UPDATE: Because everything the Duggars are involved in is terrible, this video autoplays. So check it out after the jump. Fucking Duggars.

Continue reading »

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Here's the Date for That Dumb Sharknado 3

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Thu, Mar 19, 2015 at 11:29 AM

sharknado.gif

"The 2-hour original movie Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! is going to be hitting the TV water on July 22," reports Deadline, but the release date is arguably the least interesting detail in a story about how Sharknado 3's brain trust refused to use union labor for the Asylum-produced film.

It occurs to me that I don't actually know anyone who's watched (or at least talked about watching) a Sharknado movie; these things seem to come along and everyone tweets the same easy jokes about them for a very obnoxious 24-hour period, but then the movies just... vanish, as if they were never made, as if the above gif does not actually come from an actual scene in an actual movie that actually exists.

Oh, wait. There is also this:

With a cameo by former Congresswoman and GOP Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann as herself, Oh Hell No! will see Jerry Springer as a tourist NFL player Tom Compton as a reporter, *NSYNC singer Chris Kirkpatrick as a pool lifeguard, and ex-wrestler Chris Jericho as a roller coaster ride operator, Sharknado 3 will also feature Shark Tank co-host Mark Cuban as the President of the United States and best-selling author Ann Coulter as the VP. (Via.)

Do with that what you will, I guess? By which I mean on July 22, write a tweet about how you want to see Ann Coulter and Michele Bachmann get eaten by CGI sharks, and then post it, and then never think about Sharknado 3 again.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson's New Show StarTalk Looks AH-MAY-ZING

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Mar 19, 2015 at 10:29 AM

o-NEIL-DEGRASSE-TYSON-COSMOS-facebook.jpg

There's a new player in the late night talk show game, y'all! The show stars your favorite brainiac astrophysicist, Neil DeGrasse Tyson and its called StarTalk (National Geographic Channel, debuting April 20, 11 pm). It's based on his popular podcast, will be filmed in front of a live audience at NYC's American Museum of Natural History, AND will include pretaped segments starring the also beloved Bill Nye the Science Guy! BUT DON'T SQUEEEEE JUST YET. Save your squeals of excitement for the awesome lineup he's got for the first episode. From CinemaBlend:

The first episode will take on the theme “Star Trek as Inspiration for the Future,” with series star and author George Takei popping by to talk about how the futuristic aspects of the show fit in with today’s society. Next up? None other than director Christopher Nolan, who will talk with Tyson about Insterstellar and how he peppers his films with his love for science. Will Tyson still have his initial opinions on the film, or will they have changed by that point? Comedian and Bob’s Burgers star Eugene Mirman will also be a part of that episode and others.

C'mon, are you kidding me? BUT DON'T SQUEE YET! Check out the lineup for the first 10 episodes!!

Later episodes will feature journalist and fellow podcaster Dan Savage talking about love and science, Huffington Post co-founder Arianna Huffington talking about the Information Age and communication, astronaut Chris Hadfield discussing social media in space, and former president Jimmy Carter talking about eradicating epidemics. Other guests include author and biologist Richard Dawkins, Twitter co-founder Biz Stone, NASA administrator Charles Bolden, and iconic TV producer Norman Lear.

Okay... SQUEE. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Excited-Star-Trek-Fan-Kenan-Thompson.gif

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Tuesday, March 17, 2015

New Community Trailer: Frisbee Avalanche!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Mar 17, 2015 at 10:59 AM

The sixth season of Community debuts today on Yahoo! Screen, and here's the opening two minutes which will catch up all the old-timers and the new-timers on your favorite characters, and your favorite natural catastrophes... such as... FRISBEE AVALANCHE!!!

Monday, March 16, 2015

I Love Television™: Of Werecats, Skeletons, and iZombie

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 16, 2015 at 2:29 PM

First things first, I loved zombies before anybody else, because apparently I'm hipster like that. However, since you can no longer swing a severed, lesion-covered arm without hitting a zombie-themed TV show, movie, comic book, novel, web series, Twitter account, and nail polish remover, I've decided to move on to what will surely become the next big things in monster obsessions: living skeletons and/or werecats.

I LOVE ME A WERECAT AND/OR LIVING SKELETON! Werecats are cool, because unlike super mean and aggressive werewolves, werecats just sleep most of the day and steal your milk. Plus they like to cuddle! NAME ONE OTHER MONSTER WHO LIKES TO CUDDLE, YOU CAN'T, I WIN.

On the other hand, if you prefer your monsters to be of the fawking terrifying variety, you can't beat a living skeleton. While you can pretty much figure out why most monsters became monsters—vampires get bit by other vampires, Frankensteins get built by doctors with the same name—there is NO REASON FOR A LIVING SKELETON. They're just... suddenly there. Rattling across your bedroom floor, bones jangling disconcertingly, jawbone flapping up and down without a single sound coming out. GAAAAAHHH! I don't wanna talk about it anymore!

Anyway, since it's gonna be a few more years before this zombie thing goes away and living skeletons come jangling into your life, we'll simply have to make do with what we have. And what we have this week is a brand new young adult zombie show (!) debuting on the CW called iZombie (Tues March 17, 9 pm).

Created by the brilliantly mad inventor of Veronica Mars (Rob Thomas) and loosely based on the DC/Vertigo comic book, iZombie tells the story of Liv (Rose McIver), a med school student who stumbles into the wrong frat party and BAM! She becomes a half-zombie. (Not sure how that works, but bear with me.)

CONTINUE READING>>>

The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club: Another One Bites the Dust!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 16, 2015 at 10:59 AM

Hey, did you watch last night's episode of The Walking Dead? Looks like everything in Alexandria is fantastic, and... WAIT. Now everything's terrible. (That was quick!) Check out my spoiler-filled recap of last night's episode after the jump, and let's chitty-chat about it!

Dont worry, former SNL castmember and funny lady Kristen Wiig! IVE GOT YOU!
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Don't worry, former SNL castmember and funny lady Kristen Wiig! I'VE GOT YOU!"

MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

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Friday, March 13, 2015

Reggie Watts and Tears for Fears Team Up for "The Bomb Song"

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Mar 13, 2015 at 2:29 PM

On tonight's episode of Comedy Bang! Bang! (IFC, 11 PM), Reggie Watts teams up with classic '80s group Tears for Fears to sing a protest song called "Bomb Song." (Actually it starts off as a protest song, but by the end, Reggie figures out that bombs are actually pretty cool once you get to know them.) BOMB SONG!

A Recap of the Entire Game of Thrones Series... in 30 Seconds

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Mar 13, 2015 at 9:44 AM

If you're like me, you're like, "Game of Thrones? NO THANK YOU." Why? "Because there are dragons in it, and it's TOO COMPLICATED." Well, there are still dragons in it... but it is now somewhat less complicated thanks to this 30 second recap of the entire series explained by GoT cast members. Now I get the attraction!

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Thursday, March 12, 2015

Thank You, Internet: A Mashup of TV's Dinosaurs and Notorious B.I.G.'s "Hypnotize"

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Mar 12, 2015 at 9:29 AM

Is this mashup of Earl Sinclair from the TV show Dinosaurs singing "Big Poppa" Notorious B.I.G.'s "Hypnotize" the greatest thing since the polio vaccine? THAT'S ARGUABLE. However, it is definitely the most amazing, wondrous thing you'll see all day. (And I'm confident in that statement.) WATCH.

Monday, March 9, 2015

I Love Television™: I, Cybercriminal

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 9, 2015 at 1:29 PM

Yes, I know I announce a new career path every other week—but this time? It's gonna STICK, panty-holes! Because from now on, you can call me "Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: CYBERCRIMINAL!"

Why a cybercriminal? Well, I've heard a lot of good things about this growing industry, and I wanna get in on the ground floor. Number one great thing about being a cybercriminal: You can work from home. Sure, I loved the glamour of being an international jewel thief—but in reality? There's a lot of climbing buildings, and avoiding infrared laser security systems.

Number two great thing about being a cybercriminal: I don't even have to own my own computer! I can use the one from work! You have to buy all sorts of things when you're an international jewel thief... such as rope, grappling hooks, circular glass cutters, and French lessons.

Number three great thing about being a cybercriminal: I can stay in my underpants... allllll day. International jewel thieves are constantly changing outfits, trading black ski masks for fancy party tuxedos at a moment's notice. (It should be noted that international jewel thieves get 25 times more booty than an underwear-wearing cybercriminal... but there's always Tinder, right?)

Anyway, you know it's easy to be a cybercriminal when CBS decides to make a show about it. Debuting this week is CSI: Cyber (CBS, Wednesdays, 10 pm)—another genital wart sprouting from the ever-growing CSI franchise. This one stars Patricia Arquette (who just won an Oscar and is probably kicking herself right now for taking this crappy gig), as well as James Van Der Beek (from Dawson's Creek... let's pause to sing "I DON'T WANNA WAIT! FOR OUR LIIIIIIVES TO BE OVERRRR!"), and perhaps best of all, Lil' Bow Wow, who now wants to be called by his real name, "Shad Moss." HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! RIGHT. No can do, Lil' Bow Wow!

CONTINUE READING>>>

The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club: Daryl Likes Spaghetti

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 9, 2015 at 10:44 AM

Did you catch last night's edition of The Walking Dead—in which Daryl wolfed down a plate of spaghetti? HAW! HAW! Hilarious! This season is really turning out good so far... so let's chitty-chat about it. After the jump you'll find my spoiler-ific recap of last night's episode, so let's jump on it, Chatty Cathy!

If one more person mentions spaghetti to me, Im gonna blow their meatballs off.
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "If one more person mentions 'spaghetti' to me, I'm gonna blow their meatballs off."

MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

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Friday, March 6, 2015

Here it Comes... the Season Six Community Trailer

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Mar 6, 2015 at 2:29 PM

Love it or not, Community is just like that sore on my lip... it just won't go away! And with that, may I present to you the season six Community trailer, giving us an extended sneaky peek at all the fun that will be debuting on Yahoo! on March 17. There are old faces, new faces, and really disturbing faces... but from the looks of this trailer? They've taken the network leash off Community and they're letting it run free. DON'T MISS THIS. It's very exciting.

Your First Peek at TV's New Supergirl

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Mar 6, 2015 at 1:29 PM

Here's the first look at TV's new Supergirl, to be played by Melissa Benoist, and debuting sometime in the hopefully near future on CBS.

SGBodyLR_54fa0dfae2f1a5.74310854.jpg
  • Courtesy: Warner Bros. Television

This is a verrrrry different approach to what the CW would do if they had the character, and I have to admit it's refreshing to see Supergirl portrayed as a regular teenager rather than a dreamworld teen sexpot. When I said this to Erik over iChat, here's how he responded:

Screen_Shot_2015-03-06_at_1.16.27_PM.png

Okay, fine... JIMMY OLSEN BETTER BE A HOT, SHIRTLESS HUNK! (Pant pant, ah-OOH-gaaahhh!)

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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Worst Thing About The Last Man on Earth Is That I Can't Watch All of It Immediately, Right Now

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Tue, Mar 3, 2015 at 11:29 AM

THE LAST MAN ON EARTH Yep. Seems pretty accurate.
  • THE LAST MAN ON EARTH Yep. Seems pretty accurate.

I have one dumb friend who refuses to admit The Lego Movie is great; he's the same dumb friend who refuses to admit that 21 Jump Street and 22 Jump Street are great, and while I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to him about Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs or Clone High, I'm sure he'd be a contrarian jackass about those things, too. THE REST OF US, HOWEVER, can agree that writer/directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller are apparently fucking bulletproof geniuses—and that extends to the new TV series they're producing, Will Forte's The Last Man on Earth, in which Will Forte plays... ah... the... last... man on Earth. Lord and Miller also directed the first two episodes, and man, they're fantastic—funny and melancholy and clever and goofy. (Also, weirdly pretty to look at.) The show apparently "aired" on "television" on Sunday night; I watched those first two episodes last night, since FOX put them up for free on iTunes. Here's a clip that I just rewatched twice:

(This used to be an embed but I put a link here instead because the goddamn video autoplayed, turns out. WHO IS STILL MAKING VIDEOS PLAY AUTOMATICALLY, AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST HUMANITY)

The Last Man on Earth doesn't feel like a network comedy—the pacing is careful, the jokes can be disarming—and given that every time I get attached to a network comedy bad things tend to happen (even as The Big Bang Theory continues to fumble and flail into billion-dollar success week every week), Last Man on Earth has me... nervous. Like, delighted, and trying not to be cynical, but also nervous, because things this good rarely last on network TV. Hell, they usually never even show on network TV.

So yes: Watch this, please, partly because I bet you'll like it, but mostly so that it keeps going forever* and so I can keep watching it forever. The first two episodes are free on iTunes, or you can just watch them here.

*(so long as it doesn't get in the way of Forte doing MacGruber 2, a possibly imaginary motion picture that I think about every morning as soon as I wake up and every night as I am falling asleep**)

**(obligatory MacGruber clip)

Monday, March 2, 2015

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Anti-Vaxxer PSA

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 2, 2015 at 10:29 AM

Since Oregon is almost as guilty of this as Los Angeles, take a few minutes to check out Jimmy Kimmel's hilariously blistering rant against those who refuse to vaccinate their children. Yep, some of the jokes are of the "slow moving target" variety, but by the time he has actual doctors chime in with their own VERY funny (and true) PSA on the subject, his point is well taken. WATCH IT!

The Walking Dead Chitty Chat Club: Nice Sweater, Carol.

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 2, 2015 at 9:59 AM

Hey! Did you watch last night's episode of The Walking Dead? It was probably the most "normal" episode in quite some time, and yet? The most CREEEEEEPY. Particularly in regards to Carol's new sweater. Check out my full spoiler-filled recap after the jump, and weigh in with your own opinions on that sweater that I had bad dreams about all night. LET'S START CHITTY CHATTING!

Hi new neighbors! Oh, and did we mention we open carry?
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Hi new neighbors! Oh, and did we mention we open carry?"

MORE AFTER THE JUMP!

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Friday, February 27, 2015

I Love Television™: Sex in a Box

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Feb 27, 2015 at 1:29 PM

Okay, so now you can die knowing you can watch a TV show where two people have live sex inside a box. (That was #372 on my bucket list.) The show is called Sex Box, it debuts tonight Friday, February 27, at 10 pm, and it's on the WE network—as in "WE've never heard of it."

Basically, troubled couples are interviewed by creepy therapists in front of a live audience, then disappear into a big opaque box to have sex... while the rest of us awkwardly check our Twitter accounts, I guess? Anyway, after blowing their loads, the couple returns (dressed in satin bathrobes EWWWWWW!!!!), and engages in meaningful "real talk" about their relationship... because orgasms supposedly make people more open and honest. (Or in my case, grab the next bus out of town.)

Now, I have no trouble with people having sex inside a box. (Especially if it's coffin-shaped.) But there are two glaring problems with this show: (1) The couples having sex don't really like each other, which means, "No, they would not like it in a box/No, they would not like it with a fox." And (2) last time I checked, there's still free internet porn—where I can watch hot sex that's not obscured by a box, or immediately followed with "feelings." (If you can direct me to anything more perfect than internet porn, I'd like to see it.)

That being said, I'd love to have sex in a box with you one day... (cue segue) and these TV shows, which are returning/debuting this week!

CONTINUE READING>>>

The Wolf of Wall Street Would've Made the Best '80s Sitcom

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Fri, Feb 27, 2015 at 9:59 AM

Congrats to the genius who thought it would be a good idea to mashup The Wolf of Wall Street with the theme from the Tony Danza classic sitcom Who's the Boss? Somehow, every disgusting creature in that film is now undeniably... ADORABLE. Watch!

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Thursday, February 26, 2015

Lunchtime TV: The Extended Parks and Recreation Finale

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Feb 26, 2015 at 10:59 AM

Grab a meatball sandwich, cram in your earbuds, and spend today's lunch hour in a more productive way: watching the extended producer's cut of the Parks and Recreation series finale. If you didn't watch the shorter version, it was great, funny, and heartfelt... but trust me, this longer episode is even better! Especially the scene which shows the fate of the terrific Jean-Ralphio and his freakishly insane sister Mona-Lisa (played by the increasingly brilliant Jenny Slate, who I now love more than life itself). If nothing else treat yourself to that scene which starts at the 16:41 mark. (I'll take your meatball sandwich.)

Ice-T Recreates (Destroys) Your Favorite Childhood Cartoons

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Thu, Feb 26, 2015 at 10:14 AM

Ice-T visited Jimmy Fallon and revealed a very interesting, little known fact*: At one time in his career he lent his voice to some of your favorite cartoon characters, including G.I. Joe, and Dora the Explorer. Though his work as Shaggy in Scooby-Doo is the real Emmy award winning stuff. WATCH!

*Not a fact at all.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Will Smith Kind of Remembers the Fresh Prince Theme... Kind of!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Feb 25, 2015 at 1:27 PM

During a commercial break on Ellen, Will Smith entertains the audience with a rendition of the theme from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And while it appears the audience knows the song's words much better than Will—everyone's still having a very good time!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Today in Post-Apocalyptic Bowling

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Feb 24, 2015 at 2:14 PM

Former SNL dreamboat Will Forte stars in The Last Man on Earth—a new post-apocalyptic sitcom debuting this Sunday, March 1 at 9:30 pm on Fox, which is about... ahem... "the last man on earth." Basically, Will plays a dude who, for whatever reason, is exempt from the tragedy that wipes out all human life. But does he bitch and moan about it? NO. He spends his time doing things he was never allowed to do... like this increasingly hilarious and crazy game of post-apocalyptic bowling.

More funny Last Man on Earth clips after the jump!

Continue reading »

Read This Oral History of Parks and Recreation

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Tue, Feb 24, 2015 at 9:41 AM

Tonight is the night that Parks and Recreation shuts their doors for good (NBC, 10 pm), so what better time to read an oral history of the show that started out as a sorta weakish knockoff of The Office, and turned out to be one of the more earnest and creative sitcoms on television. In this oral history put together by Uproxx, they interview some of the people who were instrumental in creating the show—so be prepared to learn a lot! For example, here's co-creator and executive producer Greg Daniels on how the character of Ron Swanson came about...

Ron Swanson was supposed to be the foil to Leslie. Leslie is the most optimistic and energetic person. So Ron’s her boss and he’s the most obstructionist and anti-government person. We thought, wouldn’t it be funny if he were a libertarian and actually doesn’t believe in government? When we were doing our research and going to government meeting places, we went to Burbank to the city planner’s office to research what that was like. There was a woman in that office, and I said, “I want to try this character out on you, tell me if it’s at all believable. It’s a person who’s in the parks department, but he’s a libertarian. He doesn’t believe in the mission of having a parks department.” She laughed and said, “Yeah, I’m a libertarian, and I don’t actually think we should have a city planning department.”

There's so much more and you can read it all here.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Hey, You! Citizenfour! Tonight! For Free, Probably, Based On Your Likely Dodgy History of Paying for HBO!

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Mon, Feb 23, 2015 at 1:44 PM

CITIZENFOUR “So just turn on incognito mode, and bingo! You’re all set!”
  • CITIZENFOUR “So just turn on incognito mode, and bingo! You’re all set!”

So last night the Oscars were smarmy and useless and navel-gazey and a whole lot of people won awards they shouldn't have, but hey, at least Citizenfour got Best Documentary! Maybe that'll convince a few more people to watch it! People like... you? Because it's on HBO tonight. You might as well bust out that HBO GO password you stole for Game of Thrones and use it for something that'll make you better and smarter and angrier.

"I HAVE ONLY ONE FEAR in doing all of this," Edward Snowden told journalist Glenn Greenwald in a hotel room in Hong Kong in June of 2013. "That people will see these documents and shrug, that they'll say, 'We assumed this was happening and don't care.' The only thing I'm worried about is that I'll do all this to my life for nothing."

A year and a half later, it's safe to say Snowden didn't do it for nothing. It's now impossible to reset our thinking about our digital communications—to go back to before Snowden showed us how our calls, texts, emails, Google searches, and Facebook posts had been secretly harnessed by the NSA to serve as tools of the Obama administration's security state.

All the same, that's when Laura Poitras' documentary Citizenfour begins: When Snowden first contacted Poitras and Greenwald for assistance in responsibly distributing the damning information he'd painstakingly and conscientiously gathered.

CONTINUE READING >>>

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