When this happened three years ago—some butthole peed in the Mount Tabor Reservoir, forcing the grossed-out city decided to dump the whole thing out—everyone lost their minds. Hate mail poured in. And the city's water bureau found itself fielding calls from national comedic television programs.
I guess Portland really has changed since 2011. Because the same thing happened again this morning—except more than four times as much water will be dumped, some 38 million gallons. And now no one seems angry at all! Even though, this time there's even security video showing the moron skateboarders in action.
(How moronic are they? They wanted to climb in the very same reservoir one of their dim chums just peed in, my colleague Erik Henriksen helpfully notes. [I used italics to emphasize that point, just like Erik would!])
Anyway. You can watch it all below. The water bureau has put out the footage. And while you might be tempted to argue this is fodder for covering the reservoirs, maybe don't try. The reservoirs will be covered whether you want them to or not, because of a federal mandate. And even if that wasn't true, one jerk's pee is literally such a drop in the bucket you'd never even know you were tasting it.
Vivian Maier, it's Video Vriday!
More Vriday after the jump!
You may recall we have a new Arena Football team (inexplicably called The Portland Thunder). In December, they held open
auditions tryouts, so I decided to show up and see if they really meant "open." It turns out football is harder than it looks.
"Blew My Mind" appears on Dresses' super-catchy debut album Sun Shy (read more about them here), and they open for Phoenix at the Crystal Ballroom on Tuesday, December 10.
Depicting the true dangers of rock 'n' roll that your parents warned you about, this cautionary tale warns what will happen if you literally ingest Gaytheist's pummeling, raw-power rawk. That's Jacob Bean Watson as the reckless and feckless pill popper, and of course that's Gaytheist playing the Dennis Quaid role from Innerspace. Gaytheist dominated last weekend's Capitol Hill Block Party and will play Rontoms on Sunday, August 25 with Magic Mouth—that's gonna be something—and they also play Dante's on Saturday, September 7 as part of MusicfestNW.
It's Opposite Day on Video Vriday!
Less Vriday before the jump! (Get it? Opposite.)
I'm going to put this here, because I'm in love. And I can't stop watching Janelle Monáe dance her butt off. I suspect you will share my opinion.
Two things that taste great... Y La Bamba and synchronized swimming. This 16mm-shot video for the song "Ponce Pilato," off their album Oh February, is a dreamy confection, floating among big trees and deep waters. It was shot on the Oregon Coast, in the Redwoods, and in Puget Sound, starring a troupe of professional synchronized swimmers. The whole endeavor came about because our local amateur synchronized swimming collective, the Olivia Darlings, really wants to keep the aquatic arts alive for a new generation of budding Esther Williamses. (The film star sadly passed away at the age of 91 on June 6. She was a masterfully daring mermaid.) So the group has set about filming music videos for local bands, featuring the fine art of synchronized swimming. This here's their debut—directed by Madison Rowley—and a fine one it is, bypassing the strangely lurid present-day of Olympic synchronized swimming (eeeeeek!), for the beautiful and graceful days of Esther. In the gorgeous out of doors! Sign me up as a supporter.
Speaking of support... the Olivia Darlings are in the midst of a Kickstarter campaign to send out 100 packets to local pools, community organizations, dance schools, and swim clubs. These kits will give a primer course on how to dive in (DON'T SHOOT ME) to the art. They're also giving out a host of goodies for contributors. Here, I'll let their adorable video, starring Minka of the Olivia Darlings, explain it.
I wasn’t sorry Cars III was so stupid. I loved how stupid Cars III was. It’s a glorious melange of yelling, nunchucks, lasers, gunfights, dead burned lesbians, and blood-spurting belly buttons. So pretty much the most inane and hysterical half hour this side of a Chuck E. Cheese on fire. And the short local film is now out on DVD.
The new Troma release all started as the viral video Cars (look I wrote something about it a couple years back). You know the one where the Funtown Auto guy yells, “GET OUT YOUR FUCKING CHECKBOOK!” Well, that’s Travis Jones, and his son is played by director Bobby Hacker, who’s responsible for a butt-ton of hijinks in his low-budget, surreal trilogy of Cars movies (the ones Pixar decidedly does not condone). While the first two films clocked in around two minutes each, Cars III hits the 38-minute mark, which seems both ridiculously long and sadly too short for this eyes-and-ears-bludgeoning spectacle of redonkulous.
More after the jump.
Sigh. Everyone went to see Star Trek into Darkness and I'm stuck Googling the correct spellings of various dried Italian meats. I'm going to watch my own futuristic space opera with Janelle Monáe's new song "Q.U.E.E.N." from her upcoming album Electric Lady. That'll cheer me up. It'll work for you too, I bet. She has that effect.
How vantastic, it's Video Vriday! This week we've got some videos and some non-videos. I'll explain.
More videos and non-videos after the jump! Click to watch Toxic Holocaust, Typhoon, Black Prairie, and Rare Monk.
It's Video Vriday, everybody's vavorite day of the week!
More after the jump!
We did this before! We're doing it again! Portland videos from Portland bands for Portland people.
Yay, new Wild Ones! Let this be your very favorite thing today.
Lots more after the jump, including videos from Gossip, Pure Bathing Culture, Butt 2 Butt, Catherine Feeny, the Ecstatics, and A Killing Dove.
As the week draws to a drowsy closezzzzzzzzzzzzzzz—sorry, I had a big lunch. But if you're like me, you're already feeling worn out, in spite of the holiday and the short week. So there's no better thing to do than to goof off and catch up on some local music videos!
First up is a live clip from Grandparents, filmed at the Banana Stand on May 19, 2012. That show is shortly to be released by Banana Stand Media as a live album, continuing their series of excellent work documenting Portland bands in the live setting. This is a beautifully shot clip (courtesy of Collective-47), and a dreamy, daze-y track from Grandparents. The track's titled "Fume," and there will be a release show for Grandparents' Live from the Banana Stand at Holocene on January 24.
Lots more to look at after the jump.
It did not occur to me that eating a habanero or two and then trying to tell topical jokes into a camera would be so... the worst.
I didn't really think much about it. I have my own late-night talk show (Late Night Action w/ Alex Falcone - season two starts in January!), so I know I can deliver the shit out of a topical monologue. I like spicy foods. I like being on YouTube. Boom. Easy. Sure, guys, I'll be on The Spicy News.
Here's something I didn't know: when you eat a whole habanero pepper it has a slight delay, like pulling the pin out of a capsaicin grenade. I thought maybe I was just too much of a man for this silly little pepper to affect me. In that moment, surrounded by the camera equipment and a room full of comedians I really wanted to impress, I thought my overwhelming manhood was getting in the way of my ability to be funny. I was so afraid I'd do a bad job that I ate a second pepper. And then they both punched me in my stupid mouth at the same time.
I barely got through the rest of the jokes, delivering a total of none of them with the aplomb I'd envisioned. The staff (Spicy News feels like it's produced by every comedian in Portland; there were something like 30 people in the studio) rushed in with a bowl of ice cream that did very close to nothing to curb the UNBELIEVABLE BURNING IN AND AROUND MY FACE.
Instead of being relieved it was over, I was enormously sad. I wasn't expecting that either. I think what happened was my eyes were watering so hard, my body thought we were crying. "What's that, eyes? Crying? Lots and lots? Shit, something way sad must have just happened. Come on, emotions, get your head in the game!" I was curled up on a chair hugging my ice cream and feeling super bummed about nothing in particular for 20+ minutes.
Here's something else I didn't know: habaneros don't just hurt your mouth. If you eat two in a row and don't do a great job of chewing them, you feel a small ball of firey pain moving slowly down your digestive track, hitting your stomach, and expanding to fill the entire thing.
Somebody asked me if I'd eaten dinner first. "You should eat a bunch beforehand so you don't get a stomachache. Also we usually have people eat a couple Tums before they start." These are both super helpful tips beforehand. They've done like 40 of these videos, and it didn't occur to one of the hundred staff members/groupies there to tell me this before I did the video.
I tell you all of this, dear friend, to let you know how much I've gone through in the last 24 hours in hopes of providing you even a smidgen of entertainment. If you don't watch this video and enjoy it heartily, it'll be like you personally kicked me in the stomach. Twice. So watch it. And if they ever ask you to be on the Spicy News tell them to shove their habaneros up their numerous asses.
If you think our future rulers will take us down swiftly, maybe with some kind of massive mind-control system or death ray, you're wrong. This guy is trying to make it so they enact their terrible mechanical reign using SWORDS. Unlike salad robot and noodle robot, there are no commercial applications to robots who fight with swords. Only fighting applications.
Even more frightening is this lamp created by three students from the University of Wellington.
Three terrifying things about this:
 College students did it. So it can't be that hard.
 The lamp doesn't like being turned off. Imagine that from a sword-fighting robot.
 It's kind of adorable. And it shouldn't be, because it's coming to kill us all.
Just in time for Halloween, the Mean Jeans film a video at Fright Town and prove once again why they are the Best Party Band in the Universe.
Das Was Up.
A magical medley of Monday morning music mideos!... er, videos. (Also, it's afternoon now.)
Alison had the right idea. She just chose the wrong video. Behold Mungo Jerry!
Man, Shia LaBeouf has decided now is the time to just Go There. I mean this in the classic artistic sense - leaping forward, blindly, trying things for the sake of trying them, exposing yourself in a manner that can be described in a multitude of ways, but "brave" above all. Typically, on these sorts of artistic journeys, nobody knows where there is until we arrive, and even then, there's no guarantee it will be a transcendent, beautiful place. It might just be 15 tons of pretentious recycled meat, thudding to the floor with a sound not unlike a deck of cards being shuffled into a bowl of pudding.
Below is a Not Safe For Work video from Sigur Ros, a band whose music is so effortlessly beautiful it is probably best known on the internet for eliciting tears as the score to a Super Mario Bros. advertisement. In this video, Shia LaBeouf does a bunch stuff like driving a cab, having sex with a blond person, crying in a room full of dead butterflies, and generally Going There. I'm sure LaBeouf took this job hoping to make some sort of statement about his own artistic intent, his artistic integrity, non-traditional storytelling, and the power of pure expression. And all that is well and good. But you're going to click play because you can see Shia LaBeouf's dick in it. Because, yo: LaBeouf dick.
Thanks to Katie for the heads up!
I ran into this guy, Lance Page, in the middle of the night at Occupy a few weeks ago. He told me he was working on some project to make a time-lapse video of Portland, I gave him my card and forgot about it and then HOLY SHIT the final product arrived in my inbox. It's rad. Check it out:
Dangerous Minds put this up yesterday, and it's great. It's a 1983 episode of some wretched, low-budget cable TV show from Eugene, Oregon. While it's enjoyable enough to watch for its dated production values and awkward banter, there's a solid interview with Jonny and Dee Dee Ramone. The two come off great, while both interviewers just look like airheads. A time capsule of punk spirit butting up against the rest of the world. Just watch.
End Hits: "...like all the real people outside in the real world."
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