Uh-oh... trouble at home!
I hate your 20-year-old worthless stripper girlfriend. I hate the way she took over the spare bedroom and painted it all stupid (without asking). I hate the way her dog and "other neglected pets" live here now. I hate the way she can't attempt communications at anything less than a hundred decibels. I hate the way you pretend she doesn't live here and that's why she shouldn't have to pay any rent/bills. I hate the way she comes home every night at 4am, passes out and pisses on my couch.
Oh, but that's not all! Stick around for more of what this person hates (along with a shocking surprise ending that may shock and surprise you)! And while you're there, drop off your own rant or confession in the I, Anonymous Blog—it may shock or surprise you!
As the Oregonian pointed out Monday evening, the city's released a new interactive map containing all potential projects that might make the cut as part of the seemingly never-ending process of creating a new Comprehensive Plan.
The map has tabs for transportation, zoning and infrastructure projects put forth by various city bureaus, and it'd be pointless trying to summarize them—or even using the map to try and get a good enough handle on them all that you could summarize. But click around, and you'll find plenty of interesting possibilities.
Would the city really pull the trigger—in the next 20 years—on new car-free bridges over I-84? The city's bike lobby has been hoping so for a while now.
Less expensive and just as hotly coveted: The first winding segment of a multimodal trail along the railroad tracks of Sullivan's Gulch that could give cyclists, pedestriants, and Razor scooterers a breezy east-west commute.
Also, here are the initial outer limits PBOT has apparently designated for Portland's long awaited, twice-delayed bikeshare system:
We've always known the first phase of the system—if/when it arrives—would be focused on the city's relatively prosperous center, with potential subsequent expansions moving share-bikes closer to populations that might need them more (though those areas aren't necessarily magnets for the tourists that can make or break a bike share system). I'm not sure i'd seen the system so starkly limned, though. It's clear there's demand for bike share outside those boundaries.
Anyway, have at it. See what's maybe coming to your neighborhood. Go NIMBY.
It's been more than the year since a nonprofit group that for years helped organize Alberta's Last Thursday festival held a press conference to announce they were quitting.
Friends of Last Thursday (FoLT) resigned over new strictures on the freewheeling event proposed by Mayor Charlie Hales—changes that have since been realized—and left the mayor's office looking for another organization to take up the cause.
Now that organization is perhaps in the works. Michael O'Connor, a former FoLT member who took off in 2012 to begin a new street fair in southeast, sent out a release Monday night announcing a fundraiser this week for a new organizing group.
"Our current vision is to form an organization of artists, musicians, performers, and fun makers," O'Connor wrote.
"These are the people that make Last Thursday the incredible event that it is."
O'Connor says the group he has in mind will oversee the "infrastructure, management, and support needed to make Last Thursday the best that it can be." It would use grants and fundraising, apparently, to cover the sizable costs associated with Last Thursday. Hales' office estimates the city spent $75,000-80,000 running the event last year.
O'Connor also takes exception with Hales' handling of the event recently. He writes: "In particular, the City recently began fining musicians who can be heard from 150 feet away, and plans to charge participants fees and collect their personal information. We believe that a better solution is possible, and we will do everything we can to alleviate the City’s concerns while preserving the rights of our community."
But it's unclear whether the mayor's office would be willing to let its new regulations lapse. Officials and some neighbors view them as valuable to toning down what can be a raucous and problematic event. O'Connor says he's been in frequent contact with the mayor's office, and that he's not aware of any conditions on his group's stewardship. He says he'll push for different solutions than those the mayor has imposed.
"Any conditions they set, they'll have to have a legal right to do so," he tells the Mercury. "We have legal representation through the ACLU that is helping us make sure."
Update, 3:30 pm: The mayor's office says it's true O'Connor has called and e-mailed about his ideas. He even had an attorney call. But Hales' staff will need to see financial legitimacy before handing over the reins of last Thursday, says Policy Assistant Chad Stover.
"What it boils down to, for my side, is clearly understanding the logistics and the costs," Stover says. "We need a group that can step up and has the appropriate funding capabilities."
Just what all that means is sort of up in the air, Stover says. Police details for the event cost less now that Last Thursday ends an hour earlier, and there may be less police required overall. It's not clear exactly what costs will be associated with the event going forward, right now, so demanding a specific cash outlay from a nonprofit is tough.
"I'm hoping when we do get to that point we'll be able to say, 'these are some things that are recommended and need to be covered, and here are the costs for doing it,'" Stover says.
Why one should never EVER wear flip flops in the bathroom:
If I find myself in the restroom at a place like FredMeyer or new seasons and you are in the urinal next to me, wearing flip flops, don't be too suprised if my urine splashes a little bit into and onto your toes, you see I don't give a fuck and obviously you don't either. That's why you decided to leave the house today in your flip flops. I really enjoy myself peein "just a little" onto the back splash that in turn creates a pissy mist onto your feet.
GROSS!! (Though I will admit "Pissy Mist" would be a good name for my burgeoning punk rock band.) Got a rant or confession to share with the world? Send it to the I, Anonymous Blog—a mist of pissy people making pissy complaints.
One of the greatest technological advances of our times is the ability to take our dreams and put them on YouTube for everyone to see and interpret. (But can we do something about the comments, please? Ugh! They're terrible!) Anyway, here's a dream I had last night. Feel free to interpret it as you wish in the comments below. (Ugh! Comments!)
In the seventeen years I have been hitting Sauvie's and going to the naked beach, I have really never had a bad experience. Puppies and kids frolicking about, bouncing body parts playing volleyball, swimming and fun, and all naked. Naked doesn't equal sex, and the people at this beach are aware of that. Imagine my disgust, and those of my beach neighbors, at having to watch you fuck. Imagine my disgust at watching you jack off your boyfriend's flaccid penis.
Maybe the boyfriend has some sort of medical problem? Or maybe he was flaccid because he saw some nude guy staring at him and furiously typing a submission to the I, Anonymous Blog—where your rants and confessions are always welcome... just keep your clothes on.
Dear Dog lover: Please stop calling the animal emergency line every time you see a dog in a car.
A. Multnomah county after hours has ONE company they contract with after 5p and the ONE officer does not respond to anything that isn't an INJURED house pet (this does not mean hot) or a violent animal THAT HAS ATTACKED a HUMAN...and this has to be called in by a police officer.
B. Calling after hours and screaming at operators who have no more control of these rules than you do is idiotic. They are not going to give you permission to commit a felony by breaking car owners said window.
Hear that? So sloooowly put down the crowbar (or just wait by the person's car and use it on them when they return). Got any advice for the world? Send it, along with your rants and confessions, to the I, Anonymous Blog—where no one does anything ever.
Okay, so... I think this is real, though it's future may be... uncertain. The Fondue Slipper, brought to my attention by our friends to the north, is inspired by dipping bread and strawberries into melted cheese and chocolate... because you want your feet to be even more directly linked to cheese? The eventual idea is to create at-home kits to make your own, er... foot mold? Like this:
I know. I can smell them from here.
Even more disturbing: The apparent suggestion they be worn in public... "to work," even.
Here's the official explanation:
I'd like to present you the new footwear which will perfectly match with your foot by "dipping" your own foot. I have named it "Fondue Slipper" because the production process is similar to cheese fondue. It's very easy to make. You just dip your foot and dry it. That's all. *This prototype is using PVC, which hardens at 200~300 degrees Celsius (392~572 degrees Fahrenheit). This time I used my foot mold instead of my foot. I am currently developing a kit which allows Fondue Slipper to make at home. Soon this new kit will be complete and you will be able to make your own Fondue Slipper that fits your foot perfectly. You can wear Fondue Slipper both inside and outside. It can also be used as slipper by folding the heel, or you can wear it without folding the heel if you want to run.
I want to run.
Sure, I'll admit it: There are times when I just want to put the I, Anonymous Blog into a sack with a bunch of rocks and toss it into the river. But then? An opening line comes along that makes me say, "YES!!! It's all worth it!!!" From a post sensitively titled, "Wad of Dicks."
This "w" "O" "r" "L" "d" MOST of YOU are living in is for "DUMBOS." I wasn't sure if I should put an "e" in dumboes.
Just in case you were wondering if stupidity could ever be considered an art form. Want to add your own work of art? Just send in your rant or confession to the I, Anonymous Blog—a world teeming with dumboes. (Without the "e.")
Normally we don't allow I, Anonymous bloggers to include actual names in their posts. But like everything in life... there are exceptions to the rule.
Safeway. We need to talk. You've been slipping and everyone knows it. In everyone single one of your stores there are incredibly long lines. You usually have a dozen check out stations but I've never seen more than two of them staffed. EVERY. SINGLE. STORE.
I agree: Up your game, Safeway! Fred Meyer stores studied the problem and completely revamped their line strategy to insure no one's waiting for more than five minutes, and... damn it, Anonymous. You led me right into your "petty trap"!! Okay fine. Do you have a rant, confession, or petty trap you'd like to lure me into? Send it to the I, Anonymous Blog—where it may take up to 8 hours to get your post published. (I'm not Fred Meyer.)
Add this to the list of things I do wrong: I apparently poop too much.
All the pride in this town about reducing waste. How about reducing the fecal parade overflowing our storm sewers and making restrooms in this town a russian roulette of spackled toilet bowls and horrific odors. All those hopped up micro beers don't exactly digest well with your famous pdx brunchtacular habits do they?
Maybe if you ate only enough to live (like you are supposed to) and ate simple carbed foods instead of gutbombs that you can't digest you would poop a lot less and cut back on your toilet paper habit too.
Okay, I'll add that to the list! What's next? Stopping my skin from exfoliating so much? By the way, do you have a complaint about something humanity does wrong? Send it to the I, Anonymous Blog—where there's never too much excess poop OHHHHH NOOOOOOO!
People like to feel their opinion matters, and people like to answer questions about the things they like—I can tell by all the BuzzFeed quizzes y'all are posting on FB. Good news: The Mercury's annual PDX Approved survey is still running, which is nothing but questions about the things in Portland you love; your favorite restaurants shops, places to help, etc.
The number-crunchers at the Merc will use this information in mysterious ways they've assured me are harmless, and the businesses you vote as being "PDX approved" will benefit from the support, and before you ask—yes, there's something in it for you, too. If you answer 20 or more of the questions (I recommend more... it's fun!) you'll be entered to win prizes, like gift certificates to Doug Fir and Le Pigeon, and a 16GB iPad mini! But don't sit on it for too long, 'cuz the survey ends a week from today, on Friday, June 13. Make your opinion count and let your favorite spots know... "I approve!"
The official Pedalpalooza kickoff ride begins at 7 pm, but you needn't wait until this evening to get things started. Your first actual opportunity to participate in this year's Pedalpalooza? Drinking with a stranger—probably illegally—on the Eastbank Esplanade. (The Mercury doesn't necessarily endorse any individual event, by the way.)
Before you even consider hopping in the saddle, though, read our brand new Bike Issue, where you can find the Mercury's list of can't-miss rides, a look at how "America's Bicycle Capital" has flagged in recent years, and plenty more.
Now, for today's events, as listed in the full calendar:
•Summer of Patrick! (21+)
Vera Katz Statue, SE Eastbank Esplanade and Main, 3 pm
Hi, I’m Patrick. Help me kick off the Summer of Patrick with some day drinking on a Thursday.
•Feminism+Bikes 4 Everybody
PSU Park Blocks, SW Market & Mill, 5:30 pm
Spread some feminist joy by bike. Meet new friends. This ride will join the kickoff ride.
•Cycling Sojourner WA
Velo Cult, 1969 NE 42nd, 5:30 pm
Come on out to celebrate the launch of Cycling Sojourner Washington, the latest title from Into Action Publications!
•Pedalpalooza Kickoff Ride
Col. Summers Park, SE 20th and Belmont, 6 pm
It’s the opening ceremony, the inaugural calamity, the first fiasco of Pedalpalooza 2014. Dress up. Bring friends. Dropout Bicycle Club
•PZS "BMX Bandits"
Independent Publishing Resource Center, 1001 SE Division, 7 pm
The Portland Zine Symposium’s annual bike-in movie will be the 1983 Australian classic “BMX Bandits.” 80s attire encouraged. Portland Zine Symposium
•Unicycle Polo (21+)
Alberta Park Bike Polo Court, NE 22nd and Killingsworth, 7 pm
Do you ride a unicycle? Would you like the chance to attack people with a stick, while unicycling? Just want to watch? www.unicyclebastards.com
Washington High School, SE 14th & Stark, 11 pm
Urban exploration! Private land is illegitimate, the backdoor is open. Hidden spaces beckon, begging us to come play.
Today on my way to work, I saw some guy totally lose his shit for what appeared to be a very minor reason, and then lay on his horn at the car in front of him for (I'm not exaggerating) at least one minute. Afterwards, I wonder if he felt like this guy:
I yelled at some delivery guy because he asked me to move my car. I was parked in a loading zone, but I didn't care; I yelled right back at him. We both got out of our vehicles and approached one another. He pointed to the sign, which clearly stated it was a loading zone… and I pointed to nothing. I had not a leg to stand on, but that didn't deter me from demeaning the guy. I told him to ask me nicely and say please, otherwise he'd have to call a cop. He looked a me and probably thought I was an asshole (which I was being) and just gave in… I'm sure he was too busy for my shit. He said please and I told him to "go back to fucking work loading those boxes" as he walked away and I moved my car. I feel like shit now.
People make mistakes. So let's all make a concerted effort to lay off our horns and lay off the yelling when someone makes a goof that we could've easily made ourselves. But if you can't? Tell us about it in the I, Anonymous Blog—where people should feel like shit, but often don't.
Happy 3rd Birthday, the I, Anonymous Blog! Born roughly this week in 2011, the I, Anonymous Blog has been providing morally bankrupt entertainment ever since, and has become the second most popular feature on our already super popular site! AND YOU, THE BLOGTOWN COMMENTERS PREDICTED ITS SUCCESS!
As always, we welcome your rants and confessions... so why not join the thousands of posts that have already been submitted in the VERY POPULAR I, Anonymous Blog—where it can only end badly... hooray!
Justice has been served! (But you still have to wait in line for it.)
Oh you're quite a catch, cloney Mc Beardo at a NE 28th Street bar. Surely you noticed the three women in line at the bar, waiting to order, and you must have decided that by the third, you could wait no longer. You sidled between me and the bar to attempt to order before me. Nice move. It would have been smooth if you had decided to pick on anyone but me, who called you out on it.
Read the rest of this exciting example of jerk comeuppance here. And have you pulled any social heroics lately? Tell the world about it (and throw in your rants and confessions, as well) in the I, Anonymous Blog—where justice is meted out on a "first come, first served" basis.
Here's an I, Anonymous from someone who has an unusual sense of humor:
It was I who took your money, but I think you already know that. I saw you drop your shit as I was skating by, so I stopped to help and to my surprise, there's a fat $20 on the ground with all your other stuff. As I helped you pick it up, this fool palmed and kept it for himself, old school. When I skated away, I could've sworn I heard you yell at me, but I couldn't be sure and I didn't dare look back. Once I drank down your twenty, the thought of you knowing it was me made me laugh my ass off. For some reason, the idea of me, a grown man, stealing some kid's lunch money was the funniest thing ever.
The only thing funnier would've been if the kid had leukemia, amirite? HIGH FIVE, AWFUL PERSON! Do you need a website where you can prove to the world that you're a worthless shit-heel? By all means, drop your rants and confessions in the I, Anonymous Blog—where taking advantage of people is gut-bustingly heeeelarious!
Once again the eternal question is asked: "What's Up with the Babies??"
I don't understand. Sex is a nice time and so is putting your hand on someone else's waist. BUT FAMILIES???!!! I love children and working in teams but from my perspective the world is a big old mountain with piles of dung getting heaped up taller and taller every day around it. AND YOU WANT TO HAVE A BABY? TWO BABIES? TWINS? QUINTUPLETS?
And they smell funny! Don't forget about that! Read the rest here, and if you have a complaint about the way I'm having sex (or maybe an unrelated rant or confession), drop it off in the I, Anonymous Blog—it's like a mental vasectomy!
Who wants to hear a banker read you the riot act? (WE DO! WE DO!)
I understand you. Life can be so hard nowadays. But the way that some of you act - and I mean YOU, iPod Generationers - leaves me no hope for the future. Take banking, for instance. When did calling up your bank/credit union and being a total asshole to the person that is trying to help you become a fashionable norm? Did I overdraw your bank account at the 24 hour Taco Bell drive thru last night? Nope. How do you call a financial institution up and not know your bank account number? Common psychology accepts the fact that our brains retain up to 7-digit numbers with ease. Has EDM and reality TV augmented your brain to suboptimal functionality?
I don't know what "common psychology" this person is talking about, but I can barely remember my debit pin, much less "7-digits" in a row. Anyway, read the rest here, and if you want to complain about how everybody in the world is far more stupid than yourself, by all means drop your rants and confessions into the I, Anonymous Blog—where #9021-637.
Hey "cool cities!" You've been put on notice:
To all the formerly cool cities from Portland to Austin to NYC: You've all become as staid and boring as the suburbs you desperately tried to escape. Not only that, but your boring ethos has infested all the formerly cool neighborhoods in otherwise lame cities across the country. I'm thinking abandoned strip malls are going to be the next artist colonies. Hey! Let's turn that rundown Arby's into a gastropub! Ooohhh...this old Kmart would be a great mixed-use, live-work space! I'll bet we can have a nice suburban farm on this foreclosed lot! Who wants to live in the city, anyway? The city is so boring, expensive, and LAME!!!
Waaaaaitasecond... what's wrong with turning an Arby's into a gastropub? Sounds like a pretty good idea to me! (Though I do love their horsey sauce.) Do you have a great idea couched as an angry rant or confession? Send it to the I, Anonymous Blog—where... HORSEY SAUCE!
No matter what you're thinking, it isn't this. Mister John Lydon, punk godfather... is coming to Portland's biggest venue... as part of a touring arena production of Jesus Christ Superstar. He will be playing King Herod.
This bewildering news alone is enough to turn brain into oatmeal, but look at the rest of the cast:
• Michelle Williams of Destiny's Child as Mary Magdalene
• JC Chasez of N*Sync as Pontius Pilate
• Brandon Boyd from Incubus as Judas Iscariot
• Ben Forster (some guy who won some show) as Jesus Christ
This production of Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice's rock opera from the early '70s (not gonna front, the original double album that preceded the Broadway show still holds up) has been inflated to arena size, and judging by the looks of this video, they've modernized it with lots of pointed, up-to-the-minute social commentary. This looks like it's gonna be the hottest of messes.
The Jesus Christ Superstar Arena Spectacular Starring the Former Lead Singer of the Sex Pistols, the Dude from Incubus, a Destiny's Child, and One of the Other Guys of N*Sync Who Isn't Justin Timberlake hits the Moda Center on Sunday, July 13. Tickets run $39.50-174.50 (plus fees). Info is at the Rose Quarter's site.
Its a cappuchino with one shot of peppermint.
You are welcome.
Also you are going to start hearing people say "meither" now instead of "Me, Either".
You are also welcome for that.
What does THE WORST SOFA THAT HAS EVER BEEN MADE look like? Wonder no more.... pic.twitter.com/mfmcYbYmge
— Miss Lily Potkin (@MissPotkin) April 29, 2014
Seriously? I'm not allowed to go into Sam's anymore?
Quit fucking with Sam's! Sam's is a pool hall/tavern that serves a great meal for around $10. It is NOT a place for free range organic beef, chicken, or gluten free dining. If you want that, Whole (paycheck) Foods has a cafe three blocks away. It is there for you. Quit being so fucking cheap and support it. You have your Trader Joe's, wine bar, Thai, and sushi restaurants in the district. All we have left is Sam's. A place to get breakfast and a drink after the graveyard shift. It was here long before you could quote lines from Portlandia. So quit being so intolerant. and accept diversity. Not everyone wants to be like you! You are like cheap Republicans with tattoos. So STFU. Don't fuck with Sam's!
Look, pal! I don't eat at Sam's... I DRINK AT SAM'S. So why don't YOU get the fuck out? (Sheesh!) Anyway, do you have a confession or rant to share with the world? Drop it off in the I, Anonymous Blog—which is also not allowed in Sam's!!
Waitasecond... you want to WHAT???
I want to fuck your girl. Wife or girlfriend, it doesn't matter, I want to fuck them. I work in the service industry (this isn't a tipping rant, THANK GOD), but I won't say where. I engage with a lot people throughout the night and, for the most part, I'm on the prowl...on the prowl for your girl. It's a challenge, see, and the art of seduction/flirting is my specialty. If I'm nice to you, it's simply because I want to see how your girl reacts to me. If I strike up a conversation, it's not to "get to know you," but rather to feel out the look your girl is giving me. I have found many woman in relationships to be unhappy and starved for attention and I'm more than willing to give it to them.
Well then, you will most certainly NOT get a tip, sir! Good day! I SAID, GOOD DAY, SIR!! (Do you have a confession or rant you'd like to share with the world? Drop it off in the I, Anonymous Blog—where gross things like this happen all the time.)
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