Hello, and welcome to the season finale of Worst. Night. Ever. where a Mercury staff writer is sent to a very uncomfortable (for them) event chosen by you the Blogtown reader. Sometimes we return a better person, having opened ourselves up to a new experience, thereby broadening our very limited horizons. Other times, the situation we find ourselves in is FAR WORSE than we could have ever imagined, and we sincerely want to die rather than spend another moment in the hell our loyal readers have placed us in.

For my Worst. Night. Ever. at the Harvest Christian Music Festival, it was definitely the LATTER.

• "Thank you, Jesus! (For putting Humpy through hell.)"

After the jump, a full description of what I count as one of the worst 15 nights of my life, and yes, I'm counting my parents' death.

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For my Worst. Night. Ever. y’all rightly decided to send me to Jiro’s Relationship, Friendship, and Connection Lab. You so know how I hate to explore my feelings. I was a bit panicked to get there on time because I got stuck in traffic on the way back to town from Oregon City. Despite hunger pangs and dehydration, I made it to NW Portland with seven minutes to spare and walked into an office with a waiting room. There were no signs about relationship classes, so I holed up on a couch across from a woman who looked like she was having the Worst. Life. Ever. I waited. I waited some more. More waiting. And finally, not having Jiro’s phone number, I fucking left. That’s right…

I got STOOD UP for a relationship seminar.

• From squawmt.com

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Stand by for Courtney's wrap-up of her WORST. NIGHT. EVER. from this past weekend... let's just say she's been delayed by "shrinkage." GUYS! This week marks the season finale of WORST. NIGHT. EVER. which we promise will return in one form or another in the future. But let's go out with a bang, shall we? It's a scientific fact that I am a loathsome creature who deserves all the evil and sadness this world has to offer. So pick me out a good one, okay?!? (As a reminder, these events may not be as awful to most people as they are to me. They were chosen with my personal neurosis and uncomfortableness in mind.)

TRIBAL FUSION BELLYDANCE WORKSHOP (Thursday, July 15, The Lotus Seed).
CONS: This is an advanced belly dancing class "with choreography designed to challenge," and previous dance experience is recommended. The level for potential embarrassment is high. It costs $60 (though it's on the Mercury's tab). The term "tribal fusion" is in the title.
PROS: Guys, the teacher is totally hot! Take a look for yourself. Also, I love to dance, and I'll probably leave with some sick moves.

SMASH MOUTH CONCERT (Thursday, July 15, The Oregon Garden, Silverton, OR).
CONS: ACK!!! You're kidding me, right? These are the douchebags who sang "All Star," "Walkin' on the Sun," and completely murdered the Monkees' "I'm a Believer" on the Shrek soundtrack. I'll be surrounded by douches singing along with douches. I'm bringing a cyanide capsule with me on this one.
PROS: It's outside?

STRING SUMMIT MUSIC FESTIVAL (Friday, July 16 - Sunday, July 18, Horning's Hideout).
CONS: You guys know how much I despise hippies, right? This is gonna be Hippie Grand Central Station. THREE FREAKING DAYS of long-winded, droning hippie jam bands, that will make me want to stab my ears off. And the stench! And the smell of dope, which I hate! And some creeps from the Grateful Dead! BLECHH!!
PROS: Worst Night Ever rules state I only have to stay for three to five hours. Hopefully death will be quicker than that.

CRYSTAL HEALING FOR BEGINNERS (Friday, July 16, Clark College, Vancouver, WA).
CONS: This description says it all: "A beginner's class in "Crystal Healing". Science has proved that stones are not dead matter. Stones are fully alive, powerful and vibrate with energy—that is why Quartz is set into watches to provide highly accurate time. [??????!!!!!!] Since antiquity crystals have been used for healing as they resonate with the crystalline nature of the human body. Good for all situations and all ages. Discover the power of nature."
PROS: Maybe they can fix my broken watch?

[UPDATE! The Christian Battle of the Bands event we had listed earlier isn't happening, but we've actually found a more torturous Christian music event—if that's possible?]

HARVEST FEST CHRISTIAN MUSIC FESTIVAL (Friday July 16-Sunday July 18, Port of Kalama, WA ).
CONS: Gaaahhh! Another THREE day jam fest, but this time with (even worse) CHRISTIANS! Here's the lineup: Hyperstatic Union, Noonday Sun, Kate White, Alisa Childers of ZoeGirl, News @11, Briksa, Sixteen Cites, Chuck Girard and Love Song, etc, with speakers including Girard, Pastor Chuck Smith, Ben Box, Pastor Rob Neuschwander and Brad "the sin butcher" Butcher. In addition I've already stupidly promised the gang that I will be baptized if the situation arises. But do not mistake me: I REALLY, REALLY DO NOT LIKE CHRISTIANS. (Plus, I can't even get wasted!) C'mon, people! Even Jesus wasn't crucified like this!
PROS: I sincerely can't think of a single one.

WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?

Like many of my non-chicken shit predecessors, I forgo my right to veto one of these events. VOTING ENDS TOMORROW AFTERNOON AT 3 PM! I would ask for mercy, but you know nothing of the word.

Wow, Sarah’s WNE sounded terrible. But I have a sneaking suspicion that mine is going to be 1,000 times worse. I too will forego the veto power that is rightfully mine, in order to give y’all a joyful five whole minutes of entertainment as a result of sacrificing hours of my personal time to experience painful, abject humiliation. I’m a giver. BTW, I am also rather shy (unless I’ve thrown back a few vodka sodas, and then I get a teensy bit abrasive), so a few of these god-awful events seem particularly embarrassing for me. Please be kind.

Country Line Dance & Country Partner/Pattern Dance Competition (Thursday, July 8, Sheraton Portland Airport Hotel)
CONS: I am from rural Idaho, so countrified things sound terrible and reminiscent of my youth. Also, I hate country music. Also, I can’t imagine how I’ll talk my boyfriend into being my line-dancin’ partner. Also, it’s at a hotel at the airport. Also, it’s a competition in which I have no hopes of winning.
PROS: My grandma was in an early ’90s line-dancing instructional video… so I’ve got a few moves under my big-buckled belt.

Journaling Journeyers Meetup (Friday, July 9, Main Street Stamp & Stationary)
CONS: From the press release, “Come and enjoy a creative, fun, and informative evening with us as we explore the chakras with guided imagery, music and express yourself through the art of journaling and art processes within your journal!” Ack!! That description made me Cathy “ack.” I used to work for a life coach and this power-center business gives me the heebie jeebies. Also, only one person is planning to attend.
PROS: Journaling! (I have some stuff to work through.)

Relationship, Friendship, and Connection Lab (Thurs, July 8, Undisclosed Location)
CONS: This laboratory is run by Jiro, a man with a shaky grasp on the finer points of English. Here’s what Jiro has to say: “If more than two person show up, we will choose how many and which relationship to facilitate. It can be any style like friendship, couple, coworker, teacher-student relationship, and no connection to begin with etc. including with me. I would like to take video for my learning purpose.” Ummm, there will be a video of my discomfort?! Also: “If one person show up, you and Jiro will find out more about our connection.” Please, please, please don’t send me to this.
PROS: There aren’t any.

BlazerDancer Tryouts (Saturday, July 10, PSU’s Stott Center)
CONS: I didn’t make the cut for a junior high cheerleading squad in rural Idaho… so I’m thinking that I’m probably not a prime candidate for being a professional NBA cheerleader. You think?!!!!!
PROS: I like to dance, and who knows, maybe I’ll get a better (probably higher-paying) job out of it. Plus, I’ll get a chance to practice my whore make-up application. Note to self: Schedule next session with therapist.

World Record Skinny Dip (Saturday, July 11, Squaw Mountain Ranch, Estacada)
CONS: I have not been called a "Never Nude," but I am closely related. This little chunk of hell would require me to be naked in front of hundreds of strangers, surrounded by professional and amateur nudniks at a nudist camp in Estacada, where they are taking part in a world record attempt at largest skinny dip. The thought of that much naked skin is giving me hives.
PROS: I might get a tan.

WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?

Sadly, next week we say good-bye to our landmark blog series. But it's out with a bang, as we punish Steve!

Voting ends tomorrow at 3 pm! I need enough time to buy that two-piece sparkle-motion outfit and begin spackling on my make-up face, after all. It will also give me time to start pounding booze.

Every week, a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. YOU vote on and pick the event that our unlucky staffer must attend and then review here on the blog.

Here's the bad news: Patrick totally fucked up his Worst. Night. Ever. Even though he's the inspiration for this entire column, the Craigslist "Punch Party for Guys" never sent him the details and the Exploration of Self Playshop was canceled.

Good news: Usually staffers veto one of the choices, but I'm skipping my veto because I'm pretty cocky about my ability to enjoy terrible events, seasoned by city council meetings to endure hours of social pain and boredom. So here are my options.

Erosfest Sol Sensual Celebration (Thurs, 7/1, Ambridge Events Center)
CONS: The performers for this group that celebrates "the source of life and the feel of the rising sun within you" includes "Jasmine Rain, Body Paint Girl, The Monkey Puzzle Players and More!!!!!!!" and it doesn't say what they perform, so I assume they're either taking off their clothes or doing tribal drumming.
PROS: It says there will be snacks. I love snacks.

$2 Vancouver Christian Hip Hop Show (Thurs, 7/1, The Grange Hall, Vancouver)
CONS: Performers include groups named "Jerm" "Oracle & Kevlar" "Grravigty" ... I would feel bad making fun of people with obvious mental illness. Plus, everyone will be sober and probably trying to get me to join their youth group.
PROS: I'm actually curious about how the hell this exists. I think I'd take a clipboard and interview people.

Flawless Bang'n' 4th of July Party (Sunday, 7/4, Club 915)
CONS: Have you seen the flyer for this event? The girl on it has giant boobs and no one can spell. This is going to be like the time I auditioned for the Bad Girls reality TV show for fun and then it wasn't funny at all and just made me think about alcoholism.
PROS: People will be wasted and having hilarious fights.

Stripperoke (Sunday, 7/4, Devil's Point)
CONS: Patrick pitched this because he knows I am made seriously uncomfortable by two Portland standbys—strip clubs and karaoke. You know what I don't need in my life? Being forced to sing Love Shack while there are ass cheeks in my face.
PROS: Maybe I'll meet some cute lapsed Christian hip hoppers.

18+ Foam Party (Wed, 6/30, FX Dance Club)
CONS: I watched a video of this party online and everyone's wearing white tank tops and grinding on each other. There are definitely going to be guys touching my ass. And their hands will reek of Axe body spray. There's also a bikini contest?
PROS: It's possible I could just seek refuge from the foam at the bar's high stools. Wait. Is there a bar in this place?

And we know when it comes to our precious Blogtownies, unicorn farts just wont do. No. You want blood in the water, or drugs on the table, or some damn thing. So in order to make that happen we dug into the esoteric backwaters of Craigslist and Yahoo community calendars. It was a decent tactic, but one that backfired as not one, but two of my WNE events were canceled. Which is not to say I wasn’t uncomfortable at any point this weekend. Au contraire.

But you won’t be content with a touch of panic, and social anxiety peppered with self-loathing. You want the full emotional bludgeoning a “Worst. Night. Ever.” is supposed to provide. With that in mind, and because I love you (or hate myself), I’m PLACING MY FATE IN YOUR HANDS ONCE MORE!

Here’s the deal: The story of my WNE reboot starts, “Patrick Alan Coleman is placed in the trunk of Steve’s jet black 1969 Buick Electra and…” And? And, what?

You finish the story in the comments below. Then, my perfect, gorgeous, smart, funny co-workers pick their favorite idea, and at some later date I’m put in the trunk of Steve’s car and driven off to meet my fate.

Why? Because I’m a moron, obviously. So, get cracking! And if you’re interested, the story of my WNE failure and a disconcerting e-mail correspondence with punch party participants is directly after the jump.

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Well, Blogtownies, you’ve narrowed it down to two options, which have been too damn close to call a winner. One option I’m generally stoked about (you have no idea how stoked) and the other I am genuinely terrified of. You have until noon to make the vote decisive. At that time, I will hit refresh and whatever is in the lead will determine my fate (and your enjoyment of it).

If you haven’t voted, please do.

Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week's participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE'S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.

Clearly, in order to have a truly uncomfortable time, it’s necessary to go beyond odd Portland bike rides, swinger's clubs, and single's events. Apparently you need to drive alone into the rain-soaked woods and subject yourself to what I’m going to refer to as “the slacker’s Altamont.” (I say “slacker” because no one was stabbed to death by Hell’s Angels.) It would seem, unless there is a chance of bodily harm, most will be able to make the best of a strange social situation. This week my co-workers got wise and decided to put me literally in harm's way. I guess they’re smarter than they look. As for you, Blogtownies... I think you lucked-out with Skinner last week. Prove to me it wasn’t a fluke. Following Marjorie’s example, I have forgone my veto. Choose wisely.

Event #1: Punch Party for guys 18-40 (June 25th at Undisclosed Location)
CONS: There is an enormous creep factor here considering the following little gem from the listing: “If you want in, send your pic/info and let us know.” Organizers are very clear this is not a fight club... Merely dudes punching each other, “one guy seeing how much he can take from 1 or more guys, that sort of thing.” Oh, THAT sort of thing. Right. Did I mention I’m a part time employee who doesn't receive health insurance?
PROS: There will be punching. That sounds like fun. I have some anger issues I’d like to work out. Plus, I’m fairly sure I could collect workman’s comp if I’m actually injured doing this. A broken face is a small price to pay to get out of the office and spend a couple weeks laid up on the couch with Netflix and painkillers.

Event #2: Men of Paradise (June 25th at Rumors Bar and Grill, Woodburn)
CONS: Again, the sketch factor for this all-male review is incredibly high. There is a huge risk of getting gay-bashed by those less liberal Woodburn types.
PROS: Do my co-workers know I have no problem ogling men with hard bodies? Bonus: there will be booze. AND I can get some shopping done at the outlet mall before going to the show. In terms of being bashed, I’ll repeat: Workman’s comp.

Event #3: PJ Party & Sexy Groove Funk Jam (June 24th, Diablo’s Downtown Lounge, Eugene)
CONS: Aside from driving to Eugene on a Thursday night? Not many.
PROS: “Sexy Groove Funk Jam.” Pajamas. Booze. Pillow Fights. Twister. OH, THE HORROR! If you vote to send me to this one, you are clearly a moron.

Event #4: Radical Celebration of Self: A Playshop Of Fun & Exploration! (June 27th at Sanctuary of Portland)
CONS: I lived in Ashland, Oregon, for close to eight years. In that time I developed intense scorn for “playshops” and gurus and self-awareness seminars and all of that unmitigated bullshit. I become apoplectic the second someone mentions Rumi or Carlos Castaneda. And the thought of a class designed to help “fall in love with yourself” makes me nauseous. This will also likely require that I be dead cold sober. Fat chance.
PROS: Given the above, I might actually benefit from “seeking the medicine that will help us heal ourselves from the inside out.” But the day that happens is likely the day I find enough self-respect to quit this job.

Event #5: Violet’s Birthday Show, w/ Superbad, Knelt Rote, Ritual Necromancy… Others (June 26th, SE Franklin Gazebo)
CONS: Our divine distro Viking, Jay Williams, suggested this show. That's not necessarily a con, because I dig the guy's taste. HOWEVER, he is assuming it will “result in sheer brutality.” Jay recalls, the last time he went to one of these, seeing a naked guy in an Abe Lincoln hat singing campfire songs about his penis “For like three hours after the show.” He also suggested I'd be scared. I have a feeling the risk for injury here is high.
PROS: The possibility of seeing a naked guy in an Abe Lincoln hat singing campfire songs about his penis. I could cross that one off my bucket list (finally!). Plus: LOUD METAL! FUCK YEAH! And, once more with feeling: Workman’s Comp!

There you have it. Vote at will.

WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?

Welcome back to the ongoing Blogtown series "Worst. Night. Ever." Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event ("JUNE 19, CLOTHING-OPTIONAL TRANSFORMERS POETRY NIGHT IN VANCOUVER, $50!") in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!

Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week's participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE'S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.

Alright, time to take the gloves off, people. We're all sick of hearing reports from Worst. Night. Ever. "victims" about all the new friends they made and how great the cookies were. The closest anyone's come to "suffering" in this column is from the hangover they acquired after drinking their way through it. Unlike most of my co-workers, who faint at the sight of a mere gang bang, I'm up for just about any event you guys send me to. Of the options rounded up this week, I think the best choice for your entertainment value, and my best shot at having something amusing to work with, is clear. But I'll defer to your judgement. In fact, I'm forfeiting my right to a veto. Don't need it.

Event #1: Didgeridoo Concert (Sat June 19, Community Music Center)
CONS: I've had very limited exposure to didgeridoo music, so this could be much worse than I think it's going to be, but just judging from the snippet I've heard, few of my friends will be willing to accompany me. Also, the event has a stated start time of 7 pm, but no end time is given. I could potentially be trapped there for hours.
PROS: How bad can it be? I'll just smoke a little pot before I go.

Event #2: Twilight Birthday Bash in Kalama, WA (Fri June 18)
CONS: Possibly the only sport I enjoy watching or playing less than baseball is vampire baseball. I don't even know what that is supposed to mean in this context. That members of White Zombie will emerge from the woods to menace us? But the main event here is actually the Twilight dance happening at the community center. I strongly suspect there will be more high school students than adults in attendance, and I can't decide which would be worse. And I'm not sure what to wear.
PROS: Though I've never cracked one of the books, I have seen the original Twilight movie one and a half times, so I'll know what's going on approximately 20% of the time. And if I get stuck in an awkward conversation I can always bring it back to the undergraduate thesis I wrote on the history of blood lore as expressed in the vampire tradition. (Yeah, really.)

Event #3: Pre-screening for the 2010 Coyote's Clash Battle of the Bands in Hillsboro (Sun Jun 20, Coyote's)
CONS: This isn't even a qualifying round, it's a pre-screening, thus lowering the standard of quality all the way to the ground. "Every Sunday from 7 pm to 11 pm anyone can feel free to come up and start up a jam session."
PROS: You never know, I might find a diamond in the rough. Or at least someone to tell me amusing stories about what my boyfriend was like as a student at Hillsboro High.

Event #4: Learn @ Lunch: "Go for No" Helps You Get to "Yes"—and Sales (Thurs June 17, Old Spaghetti Factory)
CONS: I'm not sure what this event actually is, but I'm pretty sure it is for women who work in sales, which I don't, which means I'll have to do some sort of bullshit tap dance to explain my presence. Also "go for no" sounds like a terrible strategy.
PROS: I like pasta. I realize we're talking mediocre pasta, but at least I can expense it. Also I can take care of this one during office hours.

Event #5: A New Day Rising (Sat June 19-Sun June 20, "the magickal wilderness")
CONS: This is an over-night thing. Produced by "Telepathic Prankster Productions (with Merry Prankster Family)." I think it's a psychedelic jam band fest. Bands include Late Night Freakout Odyssey, Super Trout, and—just added—the Telepathic Electronic Dome Peeling Squad. It is suggested that attendees bring both drums and good vibrations. "The SPIRAL shall swirl and swizzle all night long!!" My tent-pitching skills are shaky at best. I hate bugs. And psychedelics, well, let's just say it's been a real long time and I hear there's some really bad shit going around.
PROS: I've had reasonable levels of exposure to extreme hippie situations, and so far I've survived.

WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?

Okay, Blogtown. I went speed dating, just like you said to. And I have to use some words to describe it, words that you won’t like hearing. Brace yourself.

Speed dating was pleasant. I had some nice conversations. I really expanded my boundaries. Ha! Who wishes they had voted for the Masturbate-a-thon now?

• NOT PICTURED: Me, yer momma.

But the odd venue worked to my advantage. I drove up I-5 on a beautiful sunny afternoon without feeling very nervous at all. The fact that I didn’t know anyone up there took off a lot of the pressure. As for the actual event, it would combine casual conversation with strangers (which I enjoy) and seeking a mate (which I am genetically programmed to do). Easy as pie, right?

I parked in a gravel lot behind Java Jitters, which is located in an old clapboard cottage at the center of town. I had a moment of doubt when I saw a few gussied-up 50-somethings striding up the handicap ramp. This, I guess, is what I was expecting.

Continue reading »

Welcome back to the ongoing Blogtown series "Worst. Night. Ever." Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event ("JUNE 12, FINNISH BIRCH-CAULKING SOIRÉE AND PIG-TAIL PICKLE") in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!

Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week's participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE'S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.

The Mercury staff really toughened up this week, and on the new guy, no less. The possibility for wholesome, what-have-we-learned-today pleasantry is virtually nil with this selection of activities. Take comfort, dear Blogtown reader: you will have a hand in making me suffer. Or, at least, feel somewhat awkward for a couple hours.

I thought I'd benefit from the fact that other Mercury staffers don't yet know me too well, and so can't gauge my likes and dislikes... but they did a remarkably good job of hitting some of my weak spots.

Speed Dating (Saturday, June 12, Java Jitters Café, Battleground, WA)
CONS: What?! You're allowed to send me to Battleground? That means I'd drive forty minutes each way to sit across a table from a suburban cougar divorcée and tell her I'm there because a blog sent me. That should make us both feel great. Also, who wants to speed date at a venue named after an involuntary nervous spasm?
PROS: I am single. Finding true love on the blog would way increase our page views.

Attending a KoRn concert while wearing a corn suit (Tuesday, June 15, Roseland Theater) VETOED
At the end of the day, if it'll make a good story, I'm open to basically anything that isn't morally repugnant or dangerous. But this is just abject humiliation. Plus, some of my worst memories ever involve wearing costumes. Count me out.

10th Annual Masturbate-a-Thon (Saturday, June 12, The Dark Lady's house)
CONS: I thought long and hard about this, and something about it rubs me the wrong way. I probably wouldn't be bored stiff, and I don't want to come to premature conclusions... but this could be a slippery slope leading to a sticky situation.
PROS: I don't have to participate. It's basically a sex-positive potluck, and it's geared towards women. Plus, there are porn stars. (No photos, pervs.)

Ultimate Fighting Championships (Saturday, June 12, Dixie Tavern)
CONS: Douches. Lots of them. Steroid-addled douches with vine-inspired designs on their fitted t-shirts, and incongruously pointy shoes. Men who fight dirty, and the women (and closeted men) who love them.
PROS: This is, after all, the purest form of sport. I've been meaning to sign up for fighting classes—maybe this is a good place to begin.

Leverage star Christian Kane playing music (Saturday, June 12, Dante's)
CONS: I hate Dante's. The last time I went—two winters ago—I thought I was in hell (which is, for some reason, the "point" of this place). I actually caught fire, melted a hole right through my down jacket, and walked home alone in the gentle rain trailing stray feathers. This place sucks.
PROS: This guy's music is pretty hilariously bad. Or... maybe it's good?

Next week's Worst. Night. Ever. victim is Marjorie Skinner, which is going to make things incredibly difficult because, after all, at one time she even volunteered to be kidnapped. PLEASE! If you know of any events you think Marjorie would despise, email us—we're looking at the week of June 17-20.

Voting ends Wednesday at 3 pm!

Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week's participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE'S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.

Oh, if only my co-workers would send me to a wet T-shirt contest or a burlesque show. Alas, they know me all too well and have come up with a list tailor-made to elicit the most unhappy emotions possible from me…. Or so they think! Actually, some of these items don't seem too bad to me at all—and a couple look downright pleasant. But there is at least one thing on this list (and possibly more) that is gripping my heart with terror. Will you, Blogtownies, be able to guess which of these is my personal Worst. Night. Ever.?

Event #1: Alone in the Unknown (Thurs June 3-Sat June 5, Lents Commons)
CONS: This show is described as "a theatrical experience with all original music and a story about the mind's effect on reality." Um, so it is a play? It's the first production staged at the new Lents Commons art space in SE Portland, and this could actually go either way.
PROS: It's the theater, so it can only make me smarter. Plus I could always stand to learn more about the mind's effect on reality.

Event #2: Sting (Fri June 4-Sat June 5, Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall)
CONS: As the closest thing Mercury Editorial now has to an English person, it stands to reason that I hate all Scottish people. And Sting is the most hate-able Scot of all. He's performing with an orchestra, which should take the harsh edges out of aggressive fare like "Fields of Gold." Plus, I bet he'll talk about the rain forest a whole bunch.
PROS: "Every Breath You Take" played on the lute. That is a pro, right?

Event #3: Bike Tour of Portland's Drinking Water Wells (Sat June 5, various locations throughout Portland)
CONS: At least one other Mercury writer is attending this ride voluntarily, but anti-bike and -water advocate Wm. Steven Humphrey thinks this sounds boring and terrible, hence its inclusion on this list. It's a tour around the drinking water wells throughout Portland: "Learn about the safety, functionality and history of Portland's underground drinking water system, which supplements our main supply from the Bull Run." This actually sounds fine. Plus, look at how much fun they're having in the picture!
PROS: Exercise, fresh air, and lots of cool clean water to drink.

Event #4: Oregon Bears Bear Paw Beer Bust and Bear-B-Q (Sun June 6, the Eagle)
CONS: My co-workers think sending me to a gay bar is hilarious, but I suspect it wouldn't be nearly as uncomfortable as they're imagining. I have a schedule conflict with this one, so it sadly gets my veto.
PROS: Beer, barbecue, and gentlemanly comradeship all sound delightful. Perhaps I'll attend next month's Bear BBQ, contest or no.

Event #5: Clown Town at Waterfront Village (Wed June 9, Rose Festival)
CONS: Unlike some of my co-workers (Ezra Ace Caraeff, I am looking in your direction), I am not deathly afraid of clowns. In fact, one of my close friends is a clown. (Weirdly, this is true—long story.) But hanging out with a bunch of little kids in the "Clown Town" section of Waterfront Village has been deemed to be punishment. (Side note: You'll notice that the June 4 Insane Clown Posse concert is nowhere on this list. It was decided by my co-workers that a journey into the clown's mouth can actually be pretty fun, not to mention how many times we've already gone to the Juggalo well for Blogtown fodder.)
PROS: Hanging out at the Rose Festival for a couple hours? Doesn't sound too terrible. Plus, I think Clown Town is during the day, which means I get to skip work.

WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?

Let's not have a repeat of the last two Worst. Night. Evers, in which the participants actually had a decent time. Don't let it happen again, Blogtownies! Vote mean, and vote hard.

Voting ends at 3 pm tomorrow, Wednesday June 2!

• The Club Sesso wristband politely encourages you to "PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!"

Guys.

That was hardly the Worst. Night. Ever.

Admittedly I was a little freaked out about going to Club Sesso—it wasn't the idea of a sex club per se that made me uncomfortable, so much as the prospect of spending an evening with what I incorrectly assumed would be a sex club's creepy, paunchy demographic. The reality was far more comfortable than I'd expected, and quite a bit better-looking, too.

A summary of my night is after the jump. It’s as detailed as three whiskeys and the inability to take decent notes could make it.

Continue reading »

Welcome to a new Blogtown series that we like to call "Worst. Night. Ever." Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event ("JUNE 14, CELEBRITY KEGEL WORKSHOP AND FISH FRY!") in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!

Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week's participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE'S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.

Well, Erik's Worst. Night. Ever. sure did backfire, internet. Perhaps we can arrange for my worst night to also end with a hot girl giving me flowers? Eh?

Event #1: Alice In Raveland (Sat May 29, TA Event Center)
CONS: Spending a whole night hanging out with people who are still impressed by drug culture's appropriation of the works of Lewis Carroll. (There's a reason I dropped out of Reed.) Also, someone might "rave dance" on me.
PROS: Quoth the press release, "This venue is LITERALLY RIGHT NEXT TO THE MAX STOP." Also, booze, and a chance to win $150 for my Alice in Raveland-themed Cheshire Cat costume.

Event #2: Wet T-Shirt Contest (Fri May 28 at Club Sesso)
PROS: I don't have to participate. DID YOU HEAR THAT INTERNET? I DO NOT HAVE TO PARTICIPATE.
CONS: Not participating could be awkward. Plus, I have no idea how to navigate the social norms of a sex club.

Event #3: Al Gore Memorial High School (Clinton Street Theater, Thurs May 27)
CONS: This is a one-man show by comedian Aaron Ross—Ross also hosts the faux-talk showThe Ed Foreman Show, which I attended once and did not particularly enjoy.
PROS: Me. I mean, I see shows like this for my job. I have coping mechanisms. Plus, lots of people think Ross is funny. And I've never seen his standup—when he's not wearing a cheap suit and screaming dick jokes, he very well could be.

Event #4: Pokemon Poke-Gym @ the Thunderdome (Guardian Games, noon-3 pm)
CONS: I do not know how to play this game. Also, I don't really know what all the words in that event title are trying to communicate. My nephew is into Pokemon cards? So I've seen those before?
PROS: I nerd-assimilate fairly well. Plus, my mom will be reassured to know that "A Pokemon league is also a great place to go after school to play, or just to hang out. Keeps you out of trouble and your parents know where you are and what you are doing."

Event #5: Cirque Dreams Illumination (Keller Auditorium, Thurs-Sun)
CONS: As noted, I have coping mechanisms. I also have a breaking point.
PROS: There are none. I veto this one.

WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?

Next week's contender is Ned Lannamann, to whom I'd like to send out an extra special "fuck you" for introducing Club Sesso into the conversation. Got any events you think Ned would really hate? Send 'em over —we're looking at the week of June 3-9.

Voting ends Wednesday at 3 pm.

Thanks to a whopping 53 percent of your votes, the second excursion in the Mercury's poorly conceived Worst. Night. Ever. series meant I spent my Friday night at Cuda Cabaret at Barracuda.

You guys thought you were soooooo clever. You guys thought you were forcing me to have the worst night ever. You guys were positive I'd have a miserable time.

Guess what, assholes? You were wrong. All of you who voted for my misery? You lost. Meanwhile, I won—and I'm considering using what little power I wield at this newspaper to rename "Worst. Night. Ever." to "Best. Night. Ever."

Continue reading »

Welcome to a new Blogtown series that we like to call "Worst. Night. Ever." Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event ("APRIL 13TH, REVERSE COWGIRL CLINIC FOR THE ELDERLY IN ESTACADA, $75!") in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!

Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week's participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE'S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.

After Ezra's harrowing experience at the 8th Annual Pimps N Ho's Ball, the mantle of participating in Worst. Night. Ever. has fallen to me. Apparently I did something to piss off my boss. Here we go.

Event #1: Tech N9ne (Mon May 24 at Roseland Theater)
Cons: Not to wh9ne, but the biggest drawback here is Tech N9ne himself, the auteur behind such tracks as "Bitch Sickness," "Psycho Bitch," "Call Girlz," "My Wife, My Bitch, My Girl," "Psycho Bitch II," "Here Comes Tecca Nina," and "Why?" (Indeed.) In addition to performing on his own, Tech N9ne regularly performs at Juggalo Woodstocks.
Pros: There will be beer. Also, I have a fair amount of tolerance for music that other people deem abhorrent, as my surprisingly robust collection of Jimmy Buffett CDs will attest.

Event #2: Reed McClintock's R-Rated Spellbound: The Hypnosis Show (Thurs May 20 at Bossanova)
Cons: Hypnotists are famous the world over for combining the worst aspects of stand-up comedians, magicians, and STDs into an grotesque spectacle masquerading as entertainment. This one is "R-Rated," which I assume means a few naughty words will be sprinkled throughout the usual parade of stupefying parlor tricks.
Pros: Maybe afterward, I can get the hypnotist to erase my memory of the evening, Eternal Sunshine-style.

Event #3: Deadly Dancing: A Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre (Fri May 22 at Milwaukie Center)
Cons: An "annual interactive murder mystery dinner theatre!" in beautiful Milwaukie, Oregon, featuring "Ballroom Dancers!", "Intrigue!", and "A Murder!" Unless I'm personally allowed to murder at least one ballroom dancer, I do not see any possible way that this evening could be anything other than interminably hellish.
Pros: Hey, they spelled "theater" with an "re" instead of an "er"! That must mean this is a pretty classy production!

Event #4: Speed Dating for Professionals with a College Degree (Tues May 25 at McFadden's)
I vetoed this one. Despite the fact that (A) I have a college degree (I majored in creative writing, motherfuckers!) and (B) McFadden's is pretty close to my house (meaning I could numb myself with scotch and drunkenly stumble to and from the event with relative ease), speed dating bundles every single one of my social anxieties into one convenient package. A convenient package I will do anything to avoid.

Event #5: Cuda Cabaret Burlesque Show (Fri May 21 at Barracuda)
Cons: Despite the fact that it's advertised as "one of Portland's most revered burlesque revues," which I assume is intended to be a compliment in some circles, I'm relatively sure this evening would feature little "burlesque watching" and a lot of "the shit getting beaten out of me by popped-collar bridge-and-tunnelers."
Pros: Close proximity to Magic Gardens, where actual stripping will be taking place.

Got it? Let's vote! (And may god have mercy on my soul.) Voting ends at 2 pm on Wednesday, May 19.

WHICH EVENT THIS COMING WEEK SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?