This Week in the Mercury
Monday, September 22, 2008
Food Slow Suicide By Milkshake
Posted by Patrick Alan Coleman on Mon, Sep 22, 2008 at 1:24 PM
Do you ever get into those crazy self-destructive funks? You know, the kind where you're not actually depressed enough to put a gun barrel in your mouth, but you want to kick yourself around a little? So, whaddya do? You go out for some good old fashioned chain smoking/binge drinking. Or, you have unsafe sex with the biggest slut (male or female) in the neighborhood dive bar. Maybe you drive your car too fast while not wearing your seat belt or, conversely, just sit on your couch for a day eating as many bags of Doritos as you can cram into your belly.
Well, friends, there is now a better and more delicious way to facilitate your self-destructive tendencies: the Baskin Robbins Heath Shake.
This toffee/coffee mix begins with Heath ice cream blended with coffee, Heath Bar candy pieces and caramel, topped with whipped cream and even more Heath Bar candy pieces.
Mmmmm, so good.
"But, hey, Mr. Alan Coleman.." I hear you say, "How could something so amazingly tasty aid in my desire for self abusive behavior."
Well, my sweet little sugar cakes, let me present exhibit A:
That's 2,310 calories of shake-y goodness. And shaky is most undoubtedly what you'll be feeling after you down a couple of these bad boys. After all, you're only supposed to consume around 2,500 calories per day.
So, if you're really committed to your self-destruction, head to Baskin Robbins. One Heath Shake per day will surely bring you down a couple of pegs. But at least it provides 120% of your daily recommended allowance of calcium. So, you may be fat, diabetic and on the verge of heart failure, but at least you'll have strong bones to support all of the additional tonnage.
Gee. I never tire of looking out for you, beautiful Blogtownies. I really don't.
Thanks to Fark
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i think you might get diabetes just by looking at this thing.
Speaking as a member of the fat community, fuck that thing. That's insane.
i actually ate one yesterday. it was fucking horrible. for whatever reason i thought it'd be comparable to a blizzard or something.
and not be filled with 4 different heath candy bars.
i was shaky after eating it and for whatever reason dehydrated. that's so weird that you just printed an article after my first and last time of randomly walking into a baskin robbins and ordering something completely abnormal from my regular choice which would be a wafflecone and a single scoop!
i could really go for one of those right now
We're all going to die of something someday -- why do you care?
serious, i want one. mercury, you guys got any coupons or what?
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