"Two anythings, one cup" isn't permitted. That goes double when you're in the business of selling people big cups of sweet brown sludge.
When I was much more active in the freelance film critic game (a rewarding, highly lucrative period in my life), I remember arriving early to a preview screening, and quickly finding my friend Mike Russell, a freelancer for the Oregonian. I took the seat next to him, as I did for most of the movies I've reviewed, and as the screening filled up with cud-chewing passholes and scurrying screening rats - a tiny smattering of actual people mixed in among them - I leaned over to Mike, and I asked, "All the money they're spending renting these theaters, partnering with radio stations and newspapers to distribute passes, hiring some goob to chuck t-shirts into the crowd while angry, phone-confiscating men with night vision goggles patrol the aisles; how long before studios realize they're completely wasting their fucking money?"
That day might be coming a lot sooner than expected. In fact, with Star Trek Into Darkness, it might already be here.
AND! Not only can you watch Tobias' fairly homoerotic characters in action, you can also use his handy green screen performances (called "Insert Me Anywhere") to put him in your OWN home movies! Check it out here—or as he so deftly puts it, "My bits may startle you!"
Well, then, today's your lucky day, I guess.
From the inbox:
Subject: Does Her Reading Material Reflect Her Willingness to Put Out?
Date: May 15, 2013 12:31:56 PM PDT
I thought you would be interested to learn about a new study that finds a link between what a woman is reading while she is traveling and her willingness to indulge in a casual hookup. The study, produced by travel dating website MissTravel.com, reveals key characteristics shared by women who are reading similar titles off the New York Times Best Seller List. Our study found that 83 percent of women admit to saving the majority of their reading time for traveling, with 91 percent of all women purchasing their travel reading material at the airport. MissTravel.com polled 47,320 female members, asking a series of questions about reading preferences, travel and relationships. Based on the results of this study, we are releasing what we call, the "Summer Reading Guide for Single Men".
“We found it interesting that most women only read when they are traveling,” says Brandon Wade, Founder & CEO of MissTravel.com. “We wanted to take that information and see if we could find meaning behind the books they choose, and use it help guide the single man, in his search for romance abroad.”
If she's reading The Great Gatsby or Silver Linings Playbook, she's probably hooked up with a stranger before, and history often repeats itself. Chance she's DTF: Odds are 3 to 1.
If she's reading Divergent or Game of Thrones, she is probably willing and able, but is looking for more than just a one time thing. Chance she's DTF: Odds are 2 to 1 with strings attached.
If she's reading Fifty Shades or Crossfire, she's looking to be rescued from a loveless, passionless love life. Chance she's DTF: Odds are 2 to 1.
If she's reading BossyPants or Is Everyone Hanging Out With Out Me?, it could go either way. Chance she's DTF: Odds are 4 to 1.
If she's reading Gone Girl or 12th of Never, she is probably more interested in the outcome of her book than hooking up with you. Chance she's DTF: Odds are 7 to 1.
:'( :'( :'( :'(
Budget negotiations are well underway in Portland City Hall—although, by most accounts, with less intrigue and cloak-and-dagger than in previous years. That's because Mayor Charlie Hales made a lot of people happy with his budget plan, announced April 30—cutting public safety bureaus to pay for safety net programs and front-end services like parks (except for Buckman Pool). That reveal came after he involved city commissioners in his work to an unprecedented degree. Thusly, for a lot of observers, there's not much to fundamentally quibble with.
But not much is not the same as nothing. Hales thought he'd deliver on campaign rhetoric—and please activists and business interests—by lowering planned increases in the city's water, sewers, and stormwater rates. The mayor did that partly by cutting money for needs like watershed management and then shifting the work from the Bureau of Environmental Services back to bureaus by the city's general fund.
That gesture, it turns out, has pleased few people. Water rate activists wonder why Hales didn't cut rates instead of reducing increases. And today, in city council, environmentalists accused the mayor of stripping away environmental work that brought United Nations' laurels to Portland earlier this year. (They echoed some of the concerns Commissioner Amanda Fritz raised when I spoke to her just hours after Hales unveiled his budget.)
"We believe this budget takes us back 25 years—both in substance and in philosophy," said Bob Sallinger, conservation director of the Audubon Society of Portland, "back to the time when the city had a sewer agency and the the city didn't have an environmental agency."
We've had two successful nights of Open Season fashion shows, so why stop now? Nope, not gonna!
Tonight features some of the city's heaviest hitters in Pendleton's The Portland Collection, designed by Rachel Turk, Nathaniel Crissman, and John Blasioli. In case you've been living under a fashionless rock, when Pendleton tapped these local designers—riding the crest of a resurgence in popularity and projects with everyone from Opening Ceremony to Adidas—to translate the historic company's aesthetic for the Rachel Comey and A.P.C. set, it... went really well. Their first collection was hotly anticipated and received with international adoration. Now on their third, I feel like they're getting better and better, and we are so stoked to be hosting the fall collection debut.
Continuing our venue roving, tonight we'll be set up at Rontoms (21+, doors at 6, show at 7 or so—word to the wise: come on the earlier side to get a good spot/drink/ticket. Pre-sale is sold out but there will be a limited number of tickets being sold at the door.) This is also the only show for which there will be live music—in the form of the beloved Lovers! And, the show will be immediately followed by a set from DJ Flash Gordon. And another pair of drink specials using Eastside Distilling's Portland Potato Vodka and Burnside Bourbon. Says Ron of the 'toms, "We will be doing a Moscow Mule with the vodka (muddled lime & ginger, vodka and ginger beer) and a Sour Cherry Old Fashioned with the whiskey (whiskey, kirsch, sugar, and sour cherry garnish)." So there you go.
2000's Pitch Black—at least as I remember it, it's been a while—was pretty great. One of Vin Diesel's first big roles, director David Twohy accomplished quite a bit with a relatively low budget; like Twohy's The Arrival (with Charlie Sheen!) it was a fairly smart and consistently entertaining sci-fi thriller, the sort of thing that holds up really well when you stumble across it on TV in the middle of the night. After Pitch Black's unexpected success, Universal quintupled Twohy's budget for a 2004 sequel, The Chronicles of Riddick, a thing that is boring and overblown and overambitious and remarkably bland, and a really shining example of how easily Hollywood can suck the life and joy out of just about anything by throwing money at it and slapping a PG-13 where an R should be.
It's been almost a decade since Chronicles of Riddick, and while Vin Diesel has gone on to Fast & Furious stardom, Twohy... hasn't been up to much. But now he's paired back up with Diesel for another Pitch Black sequel, Riddick—the budget's back in check, the rating's R, they snagged Starbuck from Battlestar, and it's been independently produced. (Like, really independently produced.) I don't want to overstate the case, but from this first trailer, it looks like Twohy and Diesel are back in the frame of mind that made Pitch Black as much fun as it was. Here's hoping that 13 years after the fact, Pitch Black might get the sequel it deserved.
The Portland Opera had one of their cartoonist invitationals last week, which also meant that I got to livetweet through my second consecutive opera (you can see my findings on the first one here). The production was great as usual, although due to the nature of the event this can't really count as a critical review. But I will answer a few obvious questions:
Were great grandchildren of the von Trapp family in the audience? Like from The Sound of Music? And are you saying that The Sound of Music was a real thing that happened and not just a movie like Mary Poppins?
Yes. I mean, unless Mary Poppins is real too. At this point I'm not ruling anything out. But anyway, yes, the the von Traps were there. They were very friendly and had significantly better posture than any of the assembled journalists and comics professionals. They even agreed to come by the Mercury offices and do an interview, which should show up on Blogtown sometime after I finish transcribing it.
Did fellow Mercurian Iam Karmel let the fact that he wasn't actually there prevent him from delivering some really solid opera-related Tweeting?
No he did not.
More Q&A after the jump:
The 10 tracks on Ride Out the Dark also include favorites like "Francis" and "Bee Keeper," and while it doesn't include any 20-minute freakout jams, contains plenty of band fireworks from the ensemble of local all-stars: Katie Bernstein, John Gnorski, Courtney Sheedy, Mike Yun, and Graeme Gibson.
Houndstooth plays June 7 at the Doug Fir with Eyelids and Denim Wedding.
Kelly's Olympian–Oker, A Volcano, Steel Hymen, 9 pm, $5
Aladdin Theater–Milk Carton Kids, Barefoot Movement, 8 pm, $15
Holocene–PDneXt: Objekt, SPF666, Graintable, Plumblyne, Danny Corn, Natasha Kmeto, 9 pm, $5
The Know–Eternal Tapestry, Family Stoned, 8 pm
Revival Drum Shop–Unico, 8 pm, $5-15, all ages
Star Theater–White Fang, Colleen Green, Heavy Hawaii, Comaserfs, 9 pm, $8
Valentine's–Sweeping Exits, City Squirrel, No Parachutes, 9 pm
Wonder Ballroom–The Black Angels, Hanni El Khatib, Wall of Death, 8:30 pm, $16-18
Rebecca Jacobson over at the Willamette Week interviewed Mike Daisey in advance of his Tuesday show Journalism, and she did a nice job with it. I've interviewed Daisey a few times and he definitely tends to run a conversation; Jacobson sticks to her guns. I thought you guys might particularly enjoy this part:
You weighed in on The Portland Mercury’s recent blog post about you? Why?
Probably because I drank some NyQuil. It was a terrible idea. One should never respond to Internet comments. It was the Mercury! Of course I regret it. It was kind of hilarious because they talked themselves into a fascinating corner. They said, “The very fact that you’re here shows how pathetic you are, because we’re pathetic,” which I just thought was the saddest fucking thing I’d ever read, because on some level I thought they might actually want to have a conversation. I have that delusion every once in a while that people want to have a conversation on places like the Mercury blog.
The whole thing is worth a read, though, it's a good little interview.
My friend is one of those men trapped in a sexless marriage, in part because 14 years ago he chose to marry his plain highschool sweetheart—the hometown girl, the safe and expected choice—instead of marrying the erotic and trusted friend (me) who would've kept his life interesting. After rekindling our friendship for the past year and ironing out some old hurt feelings, I offered to be his discreet private whore. In return I want to see three pictures first: his wife's clothed body neck down, the bras and panties in her dresser, and the vibrator he bought for her. I never met her and I never will. He is uncomfortable with my request, saying he doesn't want to bring his wife into it. His refusal is a "deal breaker" for me. He fantasizes about hot sex and my fantasy is to see what he's actually getting at home. By him not showing her face or nakedness I feel that I'm respecting her privacy. Do you think I am asking for too much?
Erotic Friend's Fotos I Need Getting Mutual Pleasure
My response after the jump...
ABC released a whopping 12 new show trailers yesterday afternoon, and they are all—with the exclusion of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and The Goldbergs—universally TERRRRRRIBLE. If you feel like checking them out for yourself, have fun—but they all feel like movie trailers for the worst romcoms and dramas you've ever seen. How are these weak-ass ideas supposed to sustain themselves for more than a single episode? DON'T ASK ME. However, I will be watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D (which I am so very tired of typing) and The Goldbergs starring Jeff Garlin and Wendi McLendon-Covey which looks legitimately funny. Check it out.
And just to torture yourself, check out this TERRRRRRRIBLE trailer for the new Rebel Wilson sitcom Super Fun Night. (Now exactly why do people think she's funny?)
Fox News radio host Alan Colmes recently got into a bit of a tiff over the air with spokesperson for the American Family Association, and white-haired stallion Bryan Fischer. After Colmes asked him, “Have you ever had a gay impulse?” Fischer responded, “Alan, I’m not going to talk about that. We’re not going to go there. We’re not going to talk about that.” Fischer then continued on to say, “Everybody experiences sexual impulses that, if they acted on those impulses, it would destroy them. I've experienced them,” Fischer added, whilst dabbing at the beads of sweat on his forehead and loosening his Lady Gaga-printed tie.
For the last 23 years, Disney World has celebrated an annual unofficial “gay day,” where queers from all cuts come and celebrate being gay in giant teacups and pink castles. “One Million Moms,” a subsidiary of the American Family Association (see: above), ain’t too thrilled about it. “Disney has been irresponsible for far too long. Disney representatives and security need to maintain a family-friendly atmosphere and require proper conduct and dress code on a daily basis." “I hate to break it to all those moms,” said Mickey Mouse, “but every day at Disney is pretty gay.”
When Minnesota realized that Minneapolis is actually the gayest city in America, they decided it was maybe time to go ahead and legalize gay marriage already. This week, Minnesota became the 12th state to legalize gay marriage—and Minnesota state representative Michelle Bachmann is like, totally pissed about it. “It could be an earthquake. It could be a volcano. It could be some sort of flesh eating virus. All I know is that God does not let homosexuality go unpunished, and Minneapolis is next in line for his wrath,” said Bachmann in an interview with anchorman Chris Nolan. Bachmann then continued, saying she’s considering moving to Oregon, as our state still has a ban on same-sex marriage. "I've heard wonderful things about Eugene," she says, "and I think congressman DeFazio may be vulnerable to a challenge. They're the nicest people in the world out there, I'm sure we'd be welcomed with open arms." Said local bi-sexual and dreadlocked headshop owner Bryan, “Uh, has she met us?”
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Whoooops! Big thanks to our friend Eric D. Snider (and our observant commenters) for alerting us that the previous story was originally published on the SATIRICAL news site Daily Currant. Sorry about that, and we should've known better! BOOOO us!]
If you've ever wondered what's the best way to come out to your parents, this video circulating around the web might help.
Sometimes—not every time, mind you, but sometimes—the best way to demonstrate how a piece of art is sexist is by employing an equal amount of sexism in the other direction. The story of Bro-sie the Riveter is an example of a time when that tactic worked perfectly.
GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I'm the trouble starter, fuckin' instigator. I'm the fear addicted, danger illustrated. I'm a firestarter, terrific firestarter. LET'S GO TO PRESS.
It's been a grisly, horrific month in Syria in which government forces have murdered entire families and forced survivors to proclaim President Bashar al-Assad as "God."
For the second time in a month, a U.S. military member working in a sexual assault prevention program is accused of... you guessed it! SEXUALLY ASSAULTING SOMEONE.
The Justice Department is opening up an investigation of the IRS for their role in holding up tax exempt status for certain conservative groups, which of course is wrong—even if it was the Tea Party. (Man, that's tough to say. BUT STILL WRONG!)
House Speaker John Boehner is demanding that the guilty IRS members accused of malfeasance be sent to prison. Oh, and he may cry about it, too.
Religious bamboozler Billy Graham's son screams, "The IRS targeted me, too! (Though I have no real proof of what I'm screaming about!)"
Republicans are voting for THE 37TH TIME to repeal the health care law. Unfortunately wasting everyone's time instead of doing their job to get the economy back in shape isn't a crime.
The adoptive parents of an eight-year-old who was born with both male and female organs are suing the state of South Carolina for operating on and assigning the child a gender—and whoopsy! They guessed wrong.
Ariel Castro—the man accused of kidnapping and raping those three Cleveland women—is pleading not guilty. Good luck with that!
Detroit Mayor David Bing—after valiantly fighting to stop corruption, blight, and crime in his town—says "Fuck it. I quit."
Locally, the "TriMet Barber"—who used to go around snipping the hair of female passengers—should now be called the "TriMet Ejaculator" for reasons that might be obvious. PROTIP: Ladies on the bus? Wear a hat.
Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Cloudy with on-and-off sprinkles and temps in the '60s through Saturday.
And finally, here's your daily reminder to read our must-read feature about FLUORIDE, vote "yes" for FLUORIDE, and know in your heart you've made "An Excellent Choice, Old Chap!"
What gives, you might ask? Then maybe you've forgotten Charlie Hales and his wife, Nancy, were supposed to be entrants in a local charity version of Dancing With the Stars. Nancy Hales is particularly on point—loose enough to twirl while also getting into character. The mayor has a natty outfit and isn't so awful himself.
Hales' spokesman, Dana Haynes, says his boss took a lot of tango lessons. He hadn't seen the video either.
"Dude, he’s good. I just watched it for the first time and have aspirated coffee all over my keyboard."
Thanks to what I will only describe as a fairly awful experience in high school English—high school, that great ruiner of literature—I've yet to be able to make it all the way through any book by Faulkner, which... look. I know. I don't feel great about it either, okay? Do I feel any more great about the fact that James Franco is now directing a movie version of As I Lay Dying—and one with his Your Highness costar Danny McBride? I have no idea, because I feel like the sentence I just wrote should be a Saturday Night Live sketch. But what do I know? It's not like I ever made it through As I Lay Dying.
THAT VOICE—You know him as the singer of My Morning Jacket, or as one of the Monsters of Folk, or as Yim Yames... get to know the man behind that high lonesome voice, as Jim James hits the Crystal Ballroom in support of his first solo album, the majestic sounding and extravagantly titled Regions of Light and Sound of God. NL
w/Cold Specks; Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside, 8 pm, $25-29, all ages
FILM—There are some movies that need to be seen on the big screen. Aliens is one of them. James Cameron's sci-fi action classic is still as exhilarating, creepy, and cool as it was in 1986. Behold it all—from Sigourney Weaver's Oscar-nominated performance, to Newt's whiny whining, to Alien Queen's oozing egg sac—in 35mm! EH
Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy, see Film Times, $7
Which is why it's only fair to post this wonderful video of Beth Ditto, offering advice via the website Rookie, an online publication for teen girls. This is part of their "Ask a Grown Woman" advice series, kind of like Amy Poehler's "Ask Amy" video series, in which grownup ladies answer questions from the site's young readers.
In this lengthy and thoughtful video (
sorry, I don't know how to adjust the aspect ratio fixed!), Ditto answers questions like "Why do people ruin good things?"—in particular, a young girl's questions about coming out to her parents. What Ditto has to say is beautiful, and well worth a listen.
Thanks Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D for Sunday night's sneaky peek at Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D—but especially thanks for the news that Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D will be in the highly coveted Tuesday 8 pm slot on ABC, AND this new super-extendo Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D trailer, which has tons more COULSON (who we are assume is some sort of clone?) and gives me yet another opportunity to write Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Okay, fine... you caught me. I've been cutting and pasting it.)
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D!!
If you're a regular watcher of FX—home to a good many of the best shows on TV (Hello, The Americans!)—then you've probably noticed the quick, mysterious commercials for their upcoming crime drama The Bridge, debuting July 10. Well, they've finally released a full-length trailer and it looks goooooood, and creeeeeeepy. Here's a quick synopsis of The Bridge:
Demián Bichir stars in the role of “Marco Ruiz,” a homicide investigator for the state of Chihuahua, Mexico living in Ciudad Juárez. A family man, Marco is one of the last good men in a corrupt and apathetic police force that is outgunned by the powerful drug cartels. He’s sharp, charming, and observant and painfully aware that his city is in a state of chaos. When a body is dumped on the bridge that spans the El Paso-Ciudad Juárez border, Ruiz is forced to work with his American counterpart, Detective Sonya Cross (Diane Kruger).
You may ask yourself, "Why are they being forced to work together?" Get ready for the creeeeeepy answer in the extendo trailer.
I AM GOING TO WATCH THIS. (via)
TechCrunch has the story of Social Roulette, which launched on Saturday. Like indicated by its name, Social Roulette claims that by playing it, you have "a 1 in 6 chance of deleting your account, and a 5 in 6 chance that it just posts 'I played Social Roulette and survived' to your timeline." From the site:
Everyone thinks about deleting their account at some point, it's a completely normal reaction to the overwhelming nature of digital culture. Is it time to consider a new development in your life? Are you looking for the opportunity to start fresh? Or are you just seeking cheap thrills at the expense of your social network? Maybe it's time for you to play Social Roulette.
No word on whether or not it was supposed to post anything shortly before it deleted your account. And, sadly but unsurprisingly, Facebook has already blocked it.
My brother deleted his Facebook account last year and recently rejoined, vowing to "be friends with less classmates from high school." I think about deleting my account every day, and Social Roulette might just have been the ultimate way to do it. Instead I've just been checking it less, and since I'm someone who considers myself "a writer," I justify its continued existence by saying that it's "a platform," because I read somewhere that publishers like a writer to have that sort of thing.
Have you deleted your Facebook account? Have you deleted your Facebook account and then gone back? What say you, Blogtown?
This evening at Produce Row (21+, doors at 6, show at 7-ish, with plenty of time to get your weeknight beauty rest—or not) we are presenting two up-and-comers on the scene: Lindsey Reif is nipping at the heels of longer-established designers in town, and quickly becoming one of the savviest design talents in the city. Joining her is Brady Lange, who's been haunting the design community for years, but only last summer launched the first of his bright, versatile, sassy collections. This one's going to be fun.
Oh! And there are fashionable drink specials going as well: 1) Fierce Voodoo: Portland Potato Vodka, mango juice, fresh mint, lime, sugar and soda, served on the rocks in a pint. 2) New Fashioned: Burnside Bourbon, St Germain, Amaretto, Dandelion Bitters and Lemon Peel, served on the rocks in a bucket. Now you know!
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