I'm sorry I was staring at your ass the other afternoon. I mean, you were bent over right there in the hallway working on a project and it was just like BAM! I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable, I just really got a think for blue-collar guys especially if they have a big meaty ass. Damn!

I am so sick of this Ras "fill in the blank." We grew up together in Lake Oswego and somehow you found commonality in the Rastafarian. Ok, I was confused, but hey everyone needs spirituality(meaning) in one's life.
Next, you went through a period of creating music with some of Portland's music scene that supported this. Great, not my cup of tea. Your talents lacking, you have joined a collective, leading the local Reggae hate movement towards LGBT. WTF?!? I have heard the rampant homophobia is common in Jamaican culture, but you are neither from there or have any ties to it. You are not from Ethiopia you are from Lake Oswego. Its history rooted in racism and we experienced it firsthand there many times. Please get it together, mon.

The loud, obnoxious, drunk and belligerent douchebag at the Roger Waters' show the other night. I hope you woke up with a huge hangover, behind a wall of shame. While everyone around you were seated, you kept standing up, crossing your arms, and screaming the lyrics to "Hey You" like an idiot. The much older couple who's view you were blocking asked you nicely to sit down, and what did you do? Give them the finger. Your friends tried to calm you down, but you couldn't shut the fuck up for a second, and started ranting that you "paid your money" and you can do whatever you want. Well, WE paid our money as well - to watch the great theatrical event that was taking place on stage, not to watch some middle-aged Fubar reject act like a dick. I hope you heard us all applauding as security finally threw you out. Next time you want to act like an overgrown teenager, save it for a Metallica show.

To the dick who is in the #2 position at the company:

I know in our capitalistic world that the quality of being a "go-getter" is rewarded handsomely. My beef with you is that you're actually just a "bully" who hides behind business speak and catch phrases. The first time I met you as a guest at a corporate event I was floored by your inability to make eye contact, the clouds of hot air bravado rising off you like shit fumes from a pre-human, your unfortunate capri pants. In the years that I've known you I've never heard anyone express a kind word about you. I've heard plenty about your shitty music taste, your harpie wife who is obsessed with cupcakes, how you spend hours playing games on your phone or staring at walls while on the company dime. Here's the deal - nobody has to actually like you for you to succeed - this is already clear - but if you'd like to actually model some good behavior to make your business prosper that would be helpful. In the meantime I take comfort by picturing you on your deathbed surrounded only by cake-pops while the attending nurses play paper/rock/scissors to determine who has to change your diaper.

you insult my intelligence and belittle my intuition you fucking liar. Please believe that some of us are smart enough to see past your idiotic attempts at deception. Im not sure all of the reasons you feel you need to tell tall tale after tall tale. Or why you cannot EVER seem to own up to your actions even when you have been confronted with obvious proof of your falsehoods. Pathological? I would say so ! Sociopath? Quite likely! Sneaky and sickend Snakey lying jerk? DUH! You honestly think your stories have me fooled ? Or do you just insist upon taking your lies to the grave? Give it up! You got caught red handed,so fuckin grow a pair of balls and FESS UP!! YOU SUCK AT LYING BY THE WAY! which is ironic, considering the number of lies you attempt at telling.

I see you. I covet you. I want to fuck you. All of you. In the spring, when you're riding your shitty bikes with knit beanies and mary janes and thin tshirts, even though it's barely sixty degrees and mostly cloudy. In the upcoming summer when you show off your burned pink tits with white tanks and cover you ugly eyes with giant sunglasses. In the fall when you braid your hair and put on your pcoats and skinny jeans even though it hasn't dipped below fifty five. Even in the winter when you introspect and listen to the records you scored from your ex summer boyfriend and eat constantly. And when i die, my biggest regret will be that i didn't get to fuck all of you... long and hard... I'm trying, and I'm getting there. But I love you all. And i want you to know you're doing a really good job.

Oh how nice it was to see you from across the way on such a nice and sunny day. I know you waited for me to make eye contact with you, but luckily I was wearing my shades so really all I saw was your ugly face and poor poor man you were with that knows none of your dark fucked up secrets. I laughed inside as you smartly walked off, as I would've made your life miserable if you would've stayed. See, you still have no remorse, you still talk shit about me around town, and it all gets back to me, all of it. But I'm not the one who cheated multiple times, or lied every time you spoke. I may as well be a fucking fly on your bed post. You're known as the town drunk, picking up on anything that will give you attention. Too bad you had to go fuck people behind my back, take complete advantage of me and my personality, but you still begged for me to stay?? You're psycho, like none of your nasty ass secrets would ever surface? The best part of seeing you that day, is that you know that I know you better than any other person on earth, that must suck for you to know you'll never know me again, and no one will every treat you as kindly as I did. Can't wait to see you again you incensitive, cheating, liar of a bitch! I feel sorry for any man or woman that you may convince that you're not evil. You're an asshole, go fuck yourself!

Portland, Portland, Portland.

You're so proud of your bike status. You're so proud of your food cards, independent art and all that other indie bullshit.

But where are the real arts? Twice now I've been to the Portland Opera and saw amateurish costumes and sets. Costumes that looked like reject bridesmaid dresses and suits made over from the material. It was pathetic. Our high school production of Oklahoma was better. (The whole point of stage costume is they're cheap but look good from the seats. This is like ancient theater knowledge, like The Scottish Play.) And that Titian exhibit? ONE FUCKING PAINTING? Are you serious PAM?

Oh that one portrait hanging in the hall, PAM? You should get rid of it. It's awful. Dimensions are off and the artist was trolling the subject, it's obvious.

Then, oh god do I feel bad for visitors to our city, how the hell do you hail a cab? Every other city in the world there are masses of them at decent intervals around the city. Find a ramp, probably close by, wait for taxi, profit. Where are ours? In maybe 5 places downtown. Ridiculous. The city really needs to give out some more tags.

Look Portland. I get you're proud of the ground up vibe or whatever but big city amenities (like a good local opera company with professionals behind it) and a well funded art museum are good things. Grow up and stop focusing on kindergarten crafts and bikes

I was approaching the Broadway bridge in my car when I saw you standing in the middle of the street, waving jumper cables at me like a madman. I didn't stop because I was late to work (again) (and you kind of looked like a crazy homeless Einstein from the .2 second glimpse I got). I know this makes me a dick. I'm sorry. I'm sure karma will catch up with me soon.

Heya, you left a baggie of dog shit on our front lawn. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? You already had the baggie, but decided to half-ass it and just leave the present there for us to find.

I'm going to be watching for you, next time I will shove that baggie down your throat so you can choke on it. Or shoot your damn dog.

To the pinhead in the VW who almost hit me and my girlfriend near the Old Church when we had the right of way, you are a miserable POS. What's worse is that you got defensive as I shouted "Hey!" when you came flying around the corner without minding pedestrians.

I'm sick of this self-entitled bullshit. Just because you're some kind of creative developer or what-not doesn't give you the right to drive like a dick. I hope you learn to drive before you kill somebody, you spoiled brat.

Hey gurl, yeah I saw the way you glared at us through your Jackie O shades as we walked down Alberta, minding our own damn business and talking about this place we were trying to find. Yeah, I saw you flinch at the word "gentrification", yeah I said it, the g-word. I was describing the shop we were looking for, and yeah, it was in a gentrified part of the block. New building, cleaned up, twee patrons and White gurls galore. Yeah gurl, you're participating in it, that damnable g-word, whether or not you are aware of it. Get the fuck over it.

p.s. we were having a private conversation you twat.

So I’m a single girl nearly in her thirties with a college degree, a full time job, and back in school. Perhaps I lack the wherewithal to fully understand the text message. Especially when I consider most of my friends and I did not own cell phones until college and text messages have crescendoed from there. However, I have a bone to pick with men and the use of this dialogue.
It seems that puberty has gone in reverse. That men no longer understand that the use of the expression “LOL” or “☺” is not seen as attractive, but rather as if I am now texting a little brother. As I look at my phone I see an epidemic of these emoticons and text jargon, which honestly puts me off. If we have a conversation via text message and it amounts to 20 messages, do I need 10 smiley faces. And furthermore, the remaining ten of those messages I wrote. Do I really need text messages to contain smiley faces and exclamation points? Are we in middle school again?
Perhaps this seems hypercritical and another “rule” which men need to follow, but straight men of Portland would you text another straight man and add a smiley face to your text? You see my point. Whatever you think that smiley face adds, it doesn’t. And “LOL,” really? I have come to a point that if LOL is found in text messages to cringe. I also debate whether or not I could date someone who uses this language. We are grown ups. We did not grow up with the generation who created this jargon. Why are we adopting it as adults?

Einstein Brothers, you just couldn’t leave a good thing alone. Here was Kettleman’s Bagels, owned and run by a Chinese immigrant, who while not paying much attention to ambience, went to the trouble of apprenticing with a Jewish baker and consequently made good bagels; who got the Portland vibe, hiring hipster servers; who went to the trouble of finding the best coffee in Portland; and who was responsive to his customers. But Einstein’s, you just had to ruin it, covering the walls with large posters advertising your own products, and, most egregious sin, making lousy bagels and serving your own “Darn Good Coffee” which is anything but, tasting like dishwater. Now when you walk in there is a table with a clueless girl pushing your T-shirts and coffee mugs. Now instead of making good bagels and coffee, you have contests that customers enter go get a whole free espresso, wow-wee! If you must pimp your lousy coffee, must you also ruin bagels? The old place now resembles Subway, with just as second-rate food. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Yes, you're beautiful. Yes, you rock oversized sunglasses. And yes, when the sun is bright I can see your eyes through those massive lenses and can see how, though your head is looking straight forward, your eyes are doing this really awkward sideways glance directly at me as you pass. What the hell is that? It's so god damn strange to see.

I first noticed it happening a couple times at the tail end of last summer yet thought nothing of it, but now that the sun is out again in full force it happened twice last weekend and three times today. I can only assume you think your shades are more opaque than they really are and that your eyes can freely dart around without anyone noticing but you're wrong, and it's super creepy looking because I'm actually kinda fat and you're probably looking at me in horror.

I was sitting on a bench outside of West Elm today and as you walked by sipping your Starbucks milkshake dessert thingy, your head aimed straight forward, I watched as your eyes veered right toward me and stayed locked on me the entire time you passed, head still straight forward. All I could think was a) that is too fucking bizarre and b) that must REALLY strain your eyes.

I suggest if you insist on this behavior you invest in some darker shades, or save your money for new gear at Anthropologie and just gawk at me directly. And if you're actually enticed by the lump of fat and woe you're looking at, just take off the shades and say hello. Thanks.

You seriously need to look both ways before you cross the fucking street. I almost ran you over because you stepped in front of my car. Perhaps you technically have the right of way in this situation—unlikely seeing how I had the green light—but that’s not going to protect you from accidentally being turned into a road pizza if you blindly step out in front of a car. Learn to fear the fender or will die by the fender.

Can someone please explain why "upscale" restaurants and bakeries etc. have their (Mexican) employees out spraying the sidewalks in the morning with a hose? I saw one this morning spraying not only their entryway but the curb, the bus shelter, etc. And they are not the only culprits.
Is it a) so important to this business that their underpaid staff be seen looking busy literally every second whether there is a logical purpose or not; b) that they can be seen as so upscale they can afford to waste finite and expensive water resources by literally dumping it on the ground for no rational purpose; c) that their customers are so rarefied and delicate that the presence of a dirty curb ten yards from a business will put them off their brunch (but that these same customers will have no problem with the food or waitstaff and will tip fairly)?
Before I judged an eating establishment for having a dirty sidewalk, I would judge them for blocking pedestrian traffic flow on a busy sidewalk, soaking the ground on one of our rare sunny days, being profligately wasteful, sending their "colored man" out to do demeaning tasks for esoteric rationale just because they can, etc. I don't care if I sound all Portlandia here.

You annoy the ever living hell out of me, but we're stuck together so let's make this amicable or I'm going to break your fucking kneecaps.

Thanks!

When there is an emergency vehicle behind you with sirens and flashing lights, pull the fuck over and stop like you're supposed to. Would you like it to be you or your loved ones that these people are trying to help when some asshole can't be bothered to pull over and stop? Yeah, that's what I thought. I hope the cops catch you at this and nail your ass to the wall.

This is specifically directed at all the lovely folks down at the 24 Hour Fitness located downtown, but I bet everyone else could learn a thing or two:

1. Stop hogging the machines to just a) play with your smartphone/iPod, b) chat with one of your buddies, c) just sit idly whilst doing nothing

2. Quit leaving the cardio machines drenched in your sweat. You can clean up after yourself, you're an adult.

3. Specifically for guys: STOP wearing Axe in the gym, you smell horrible and some people are allergic to perfumes/cannot breathe around you.

4. Don't refuse to share reps on a machine, that just makes you a douche-bag.

5. Remove the weights from the bench presses so the rest of us know when they're not in use. You're at the gym: no excuse to be lazy.

6. STOP leaving your bloody Band-Aids all over the locker room floor. It's DISGUSTING. What the hell is wrong with you?

7. Shower off before getting into the pool/hot tub. That's what those showers are there for and no one wants to swim in your sweat. Ick.

6. Specifically for straight men: We live in a metropolitan city, there are gay/bi men here. Chances are, someone is going to check you out. Get over it. The rest of us don't want to hear about your homophobia, especially because it seems that you "doth protest much."

7. With the advent of the Internets, you don't really need to pick up people at the gym. It's not classy, it's nasty. Most of us want to work out in piece.

8. Stop flexing in the mirror. You look dumb.

Hey guys, I'm sitting here right now as your precious little spawn is bouncing all over the place, coming over next to my table, being noisy and generally making a nuisance of himself.

I know that you must believe that everyone loves you're little tyke, but you're wrong. Control your child. Stop inflicting your carnal consequences on us, or at least buck up and actually parent.

As a feminist I steer clear of the c-word, but this is the only accurate word to use in reference to you.

You lie so much that you can't even keep track of your own deception. Is it because you're too busy spending your welfare check, financial aid, AND child-support on new tattoos and leather boots for yourself (P.S. vegans don't usually wear leather) while your daughter doesn't even have a bed to sleep in?

I honestly have no problem with you falling in love with anyone that wants more than a quick bar fuck from you, nor do I judge you for all of the coke you do, nor the countless Jerry Springer style fights you get in with your painfully boring ex-boyfriend. I judge you because you will stop at nothing to get what you want. Nothing is sacred to you. From claiming rape for revenge to capitalizing on death (of people you could give a sh*t about) by dramatizing your involvement as an excuse for your bad behavior... how do you sleep at night, other than in pools of your own piss? I know the opportunity for shirking responsibility for your actions must have been pretty tempting, but using deaths and claiming rape for your own twisted manipulation efforts is pretty foul.

Maybe even worse: I know you're failing 100-level community college courses (at the age of 30) because of the drunken binges, but 'of' and 'have' are NOT F***ING INTERCHANGEABLE!

I'm so glad I’ve ejected you from my life. Burn in hell, you dumb f***ing c***.

Love Always,
Anonymous

I hope you enjoy living Duck, because swerving to avoid your quacky ass this morning cost me one rear view mirror and a car insurance nightmare.

I hope you lead a fine, feathery life, and produce many many ducklings. I also hope that your ducklings have far more sense to not walk across a road during rush hour traffic.

Preserve your species, man.

Dear neighbor,
You started flipping shit at me because you didn’t like it when I said that I thought it was bullshit that the patrons at the local bars used our apartment’s limited parking space, forcing those who live here and pay rent to park on the narrow shoulder that is next to the ditch. I decided to walk away before I started flipping shit at you. You just had to be an asshole and start talking smack about me and try to stir up trouble between my boyfriend and I when I decided to be the grown-up and walk away from your temper tantrum. You tried to kiss up to my boyfriend and half-assed apologized for your assholishness towards me. Then, I heard you call me a fucking cunt to another neighbor. I put up with a lot of shit from you such as your loud music three or more hours after quiet time, the and pot fumes wafting up from your apartment into mine, and you turning up your heat to full blast when my apartment gets hot enough to literally melt candles in the summer, but you can’t deal with me walking away when you’re flipping shit for no reason? GROW THE FUCK UP!

OK, you went drinking last night and this morning you are blowing up the toilet here at work.
Do us a favor though, will ya?
Check to see if you needed to flush again. It doesn't take long.
This happens too, too often.