I'VE GOT NOTHING.

I was going to blog this, until a coworker coldly informed me that "desperation blogging is not good blogging."

I can't do this alone. Please direct cat-related adorableosity to ahallett@portlandmercury.com for Cat Friday consideration. Thank you.

Apparently Sarah Palin hates cats!

She is officially dead to me.

Speed Dating is "Not Just for Humans," according to the Oregon Humane Society. (Online dating still is, right?)

Men and women looking for loving, caring relationships are invited to the world's first-ever speed dating event for ... cats! There will be wine and hors d'oeuvres served at the Sept. 30 event, with human guests spending five minutes each with 10 to 15 different cats over the course of the evening.

OHS, which has over 100 cats available for adoptions, will select feline dating candidates who vary in personality, age, and breed to insure there is a perfect match for all guests. Guests will receive care packages with the adoption of any cat during the event.

And unlike traditional speed dating events--there are no worries here. All OHS cats are spayed/neutered and vaccinated. They come with a microchip ID tag, one month of health insurance, and much more. OHS interpersonal relationship experts (otherwise known as adoption counselors) will be on hand to make sure the speed dating experience is a happy one.

It all happens on Tuesday, Sept. 30, from 5 - 8 pm at OHS, 1067 NE Columbia Blvd., Portland, OR 97211.

This sounds incredibly fun. Way more fun any dates with actual people I've had recently.

What with the end of TBA and the waning days of summer, you might feel the itch to throw up some jazz hands this weekend. So let me enable your inner Fosse with a list of shows for the weekend. Check out our stellar music events listings right here. You might also want to brush up on your music knowledge with the help of our ever-diligent, smarty-pants music section.

TONIGHT!
Berbati's Pan--The music of Metallica: School of Rock, 8 pm, $10-12, all ages
Branx--Kulturszene: 31Avas, M. Quiet, 10 pm, $5
Doug Fir--Damien Jurado, Jennifer O'Connor, 7 pm, $12; Harvey Danger, Little Pieces, 9:30 pm, $12
East End--Fly to the Rainbow: Burning Leather, DJ Blackhawk, 9 pm
Holocene--Flying Lotus, Alex B, Dundiggy, J. Roby, 9 pm, $9
The Know--Drunken Boat, Git Some, Science of Yabra, 8 pm, free
Roseland--Bad Religion, The Bronx, Lightnin Woodcock, 9 pm, $23, all ages
Rotture--Treasure Fingers, DJ Beyonda, DJ Joeeirwin, 10 pm, $5
Someday Lounge--Trees, House of Low Culture, Mamiffer, Hemingway, 9 pm, $8
Tonic Lounge--Hey Lover, The Mean Jeans, Troglodytes, 9:30 pm
Towne Lounge--The Union Line, Church, Pacific UV, Local Natives, 9:30 pm, $6

Saturday and Sunday events after the jump.

Also, I am pretty sure I have found paradise:

• John Green's great YA coming-of-age novel An Abundance of Katherines came out in paperback yesterday. This is noteworthy for two reasons: 1. John Green is a smart, funny, quirky writer and if you haven't read Katherines--and enjoy reliving your own teen angst, which OMG I do--it's worth checking out. (Also recommended, though less effusively: his Looking for Alaska.) 2. The book is selling for only $3.99. Green explains his rationale for the low price on his blog--it has a lot to do with building some buzz for the October release of his next book. And it's working! more affordable paperbacks, please.

• Speaking of marginalized genre fiction, Michael Chabon's The Yiddish Policemen's Union won the Hugo for best science fiction novel last weekend, prompting an interesting conversation over at io9: Analee Newitz first posted expressing disappointment that Chabon won the award ("Certainly it's a brilliant novel, and is undoubtedly a work of SF-ish alternate history, but it felt a little wrong to me that the award went to somebody who writes mainstream literary fiction that merely borrows a few tropes from SF."), then later, in a really admirable display of internet maturity, reconsidered her opinion after numerous commentors pointed out that not only does the book do more than borrow a few tropes (it changes a single historical variable and proceeds to develop an alternate history from that point, planting it square in the realm of sci-fi), but insisting that Chabon isn't "sci-fi enough" for the award only serves to reinforce the ghettoization of genre fiction. Phew.

• Just in time for the Friday installment of Fine Lines, Mercury freelancer Kiala Kazebee sent me an email full of her very own lol blumes: "Is joo there ceiling cat? It is can be me, Mahgahrit." "ZOMG! Teh Tiggger Eyez." "Oh hai. I's Sally J Freedman. I's busy starring as mahself." "Oh noes! Deenie's cut off all her hair and put it in mah bukket." Image courtesy of her husband Dane.

• According to the Times, 900,000 copies of Alan Moore's Watchmen have been printed since the trailer for the upcoming film was released in July. Compare that to the 100,000 copies sold last year.

• Today is Julia Child's birthday! What an excellent excuse to pick up a copy of her charming autobiography, My Life in France.

• "Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7..." San Jose State announced the winner of their annual bad writing contest, which awards $250 for the "worst opening sentence to an imaginary novel." (via)

• And tonight in town, Tape Op editor Larry Crane reads at the downtown Powell's, 7:30 pm. Read Ezra's interview with Crane here.

Happy summer reading.

I'd never been to a cat show before so I found the whole thing fascinating. I now have a better idea of what a cat should look like and I feel like Ninja and Lily, the cats that currently live at my house, need to be upgraded to like a Japanese Bobtail or a Turkish Angora or something. Could Ninja and Lily ever live up to such scrutiny? Probably not.

And while "scientists" have put forth the fantastical idea that the sudden wing growth (they sprouted up in only a month's time--with bones and everything!) is due to "genetic mutation," Granny Feng has her own theory, namely that it is the result of sexual harassment on the part of "many female cats in heat" that came to harass the poor guy. At any rate, turns out Cutaneous Asthenia has been around for quite some time. Peep this rather lengthy article if you are dying for a way to kill the last hour of your workweek. Also, there are a surprising number of people who post YouTube videos of their cats in heat, sometimes accompanied by commentary like, "Such a slut. Our little slut." And so forth. Personally, I think this one is the most straightforward, and features perhaps the most disturbing commentary ever:

PS: While the above video boasts over 20,000 views, videos of dogs humping cats routinely have 500,000 views or more. Just sayin'.

"To buy something at Nordstrom Rack is very hard because we have to find something that is really expensive among thousands of products. It is like looking for a treasure ship in the deep blue sea."

"Last sunday, I, SunHye, Noel, Noel's friend Jennifer and my host mother went to Saturday Market. Although it was too hot, many people came to the Market. I had never seen the homeless. However, I could see homeless in the market. It was somewhat novel to me. I think America would be very very developing country. Also, I could see various races who sold their things in particular Tibet, Japanese, Chinese, Mexicans, extra. In particualar, I felt somewhat intimacy with Asian. So, I bought a necklace, a character of chinese indicating "good luck", from a Japanese. I also bought bracelet from African American for Korean friends."

And then there's this website, which the Gastronaut rather hilariously found via a Portland police officer's Twitter. Click on it. Do it.

Old Town Computers and Backspace are hosting a night of Team America: World Police, the best film in which puppets shit on each other. They will interrupt the movie at 10 pm to show a live internet streaming of the fireworks downtown--because nerds prefer a simulation to the real thing, even if it is literally a couple of blocks away. There'll also be a wienie roast (with vegan options) and a beer garden. SAHAR BAHARLOO
Backspace, 115 NW 5th, 8 pm, free, all ages

Just in case you need a reminder:

And it is Cat Friday, after all.

The Central Eastside's First Friday Art Walk is taking place tonight instead of tomorrow. (First... Frursday?) Something to do with explosions. As far as I know, most galleries are still participating.

And of course it's First Thursday, which means the usual slew of opportunities for free wine and cruising art appreciation. Here are a few that looked fun to me; feel free to chime in with other shows of interest in the comments.

Floating World Two-Year Anniversary Party:

Floating World is a "curated comic book store" that also houses art exhibits--past shows have included work by Nicholas Gurewich, Tony Millionaire, Peter Bagge, and a Bill Mantlo (of Rom Spaceknight fame) benefit show. Tonight they celebrate both their 2nd anniversary and the release of the second issue of their "experimental comics tabloid" Diamond Comics, with a 50% off sale (they're trying clear some room for an upcoming remodel/expansion) and special guests Joseph Cross, Evan Meister & Blaise Larmee.

Floating World Comics, 20 NW 5th Ave #101, 6-9 pm

Kind of Like a Buffet

PDX Contemporary Art's Kind of Like a Buffet features work that explores Portland's food culture. "In the spirit of enjoying the wonderful food culture of our region, "Kinda Like a Buffet" is a summer group show in which most pieces relate to food. Think easy & fun & a wonderful feast for the eyes." Participating artists include Vanessa Renwick, Joe Macca, Scott Wayne Indiana, Cynthia Lahti (that's her "Black Cat" up there. I think the cat is hungry?), and more.

Reading Frenzy/IPRC

Reading Frenzy opens a show of work by local illustrator Ryan Berkeley, Sophisticated Menagerie (expect pictures of "well-dressed" animals), while next door at the IPRC, Justin "Scrappers" Morrison has an art installation and release party for his new book CAMP.

Reading Frenzy, 921 SW Oak; IPRC, 917 SW Oak #218; both receptions run 6-9 pm

A little more info from Wikipedia:

Christian is the name of a lion bought from Harrods department store in 1969 by Australian John Rendall and his friend Ace Berg. So began Christian's year as an urban lion. Christian was given his own living quarters (and a very large kitty-litter tray, which he used unfailingly) in the basement of the appropriately named Sophistocat furniture shop. [Christian] was later rehabilitated into the wild by the 'Lion Man,' George Adamson. Rendall and Berg decided to travel to Kenya [where Christian was living in the wild], in the hope of being able to say good-bye, though Adamson warned them that it would almost certainly be a wasted mission as Christian had not been seen for nine months.

This blog post brought to you by the lovely Marjorie Skinner.

Somehow every chick in the office heard about this within minutes and descended on the kittens. A girlgasm of staggering intensity (and decibel-level) ensued. It was really remarkable.

Speaking of remarkable, Matt Davis sent me this link. Less remarkable than the link itself is the fact that Matt "Cute Things Threaten My Masculinity" Davis sent it to me. It's an olive branch, people. Take it.

I asked Courtney to say something quotable and she said, "I'm leaving."

WOOT!!!!!

Matt Davis just showed up. HAIL BRITANNIA>>>FFFFSfsldkksdfklf<<>>. There should be a breathalizer on my blogin. I know! ANyway shit's pretty awesome over here on the corner of SW Alder&Broadway. You should stop by and say hello!

Thank you to everybody who sent in cat pictures! I got a bunch of great responses—y'all have some nice looking cats. I'll be showing off all the Blogtown kitties in an iPhoto-style slideshow at our campsite tonight (1 am, and you better believe there's a soundtrack...). Stop by and say hello.

I'll post a few photos after the jump, to tide you over until tonight... (the one up above is one of the foster kitties currently living in my basement)

Tomorrow night, the Mercury will be camping out along the Rose Parade route, saving a prime viewing spot for the lucky folks who won it in our charity auction. And of course we'll be providing wholesome, family friendly activities all night long.

The schedule is here—our exact location is TBD, check Blogtown tomorrow for updates.

At 1 am, there will be a slide show, hosted and curated by yours truly, entitled "Pictures of kitties!!!1!!" I would love to include some photos of Blogtown readers' pets—if anybody wants in, please send pictures of your cats, along with a brief description including your cats' names, to ahallett@portlandmercury.com. And stop by on Friday! It will be cute.