“Boo-hoo! I spent all my Christmas money buying my way out of trouble!”

Before we begin: Thanks again to everybody who participated in the Mercury’s Charity Auction; thanks to your help and to a matching donation program, Sisters of the Road will be receiving $40,000 to continue their tireless work in helping Portland’s homeless. One thing that most readers don’t know is that Matt Davis was a major catalyst in the paper’s decision to support Sisters of the Road. Matt was a passionate advocate for the humanitarian work they do, and lobbied with a deep sincerity to help the organization and Portland’s homeless. I think this is very admirable, and applaud his streak of compassion.

That being said…

Remember the auction item “Pepper Spray Matt Davis”? How could you not? It was one of our most talked-about features; Matt’s fake tears were plastered across Mercury boxes all over town; and Matt himself blogged about it at least half a dozen times. All the while, the besweatered Brit was riding an unprecedented wave of interoffice popularity—we all had to take our hats off to anybody willing to take a blast of mace for the team.

But thanks to eBay’s uptight policy about selling the opportunity to temporarily blind somebody with weapons-grade chemicals, we had to rephrase the wording of the auction item, so the “Mace Matt Davis” bidding ended a full day after the rest of the auction.

Curious as to why you haven’t heard much about the winner of that enviable prize? It’s because Matt Davis bought the package himself, and has been hoping that everybody forgets about macing him, while his eyeballs enjoy balmy comforts of winter! That’s right, when Mr. “I’ll Do It for Charity” was looking at 10 minutes of searing discomfort, he whipped out his checkbook and bought his way out of it. Don’t get me wrong—I wouldn’t want to get pepper sprayed, either. But I also didn’t volunteer to take the blast, and then desperately publicize my Jackass-y bravado while soaking in all the schoolyard admiration.

Since learning of this “fortunate son” mace-dodge, I’ve been thinking of ways could make this right to everybody who feels ripped off. He could pepper spray himself and call it good. His wife could pepper spray one of his eyes, under communal property laws. The next-highest bidder could donate the winning amount plus $1.50 and get to mace Matt (win-win for Sisters of the Road). Everyone who bid on that item could spend a day with a handmirror in the newsroom, shining light directly into Matt’s eyes all day. Or, we could all never speak of this again (that’s called hitting him where it really hurts). Thoughts, Portland?

Too bad everyone can’t buy their way out of pain, Matt!

WHOOPEE! Our annual Mercury Charity Auction is now over, and if you won the item you were bidding on, CONGRATULATIONS! And even if you didn’t, please feel the gratitude of all the fine folk at SISTERS OF THE ROAD who you helped with your bids.

Auction note: Since we had to repost “Pepper spray Matt Davis in the Face” on ebay with a different name (dumb ebay rules) this particular auction item will remain open for another day of bidding!

We’ll announce the final tally of all the money we helped raise for Sisters of the Road on Monday. Until then, from all of us at the Mercury… THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

At this point, your best bet is to watch your bids on the Ebay site itself, to watch the price of items change from moment to moment!

AND IT WILL! Good luck bidders!

This is your last chance, people! THERE IS ONLY ONE HOUR LEFT IN THE MERCURY CHARITY AUCTION, and already the bidding war is reaching a fever pitch! In the last few hours, the Mercury feature article prize has jumped up hundreds of dollars, while somebody who really wants to pepper spray Matt Davis in the face has driven up the bid to nearly $150. As always, it’s going to be a fight to the finish for the lucky guy (or lady) who wins a date with the sexy girls of the Mercury (currently at $252), as well as winning the “Design the Mercury Cover” prize which always goes for a lot of dough-re-mi (now at $455).
Currently in the lead for most money donated is “Have Your Portrait Taken by Ann Ploeger” (at a whopping $700), closely followed by “Tour the Sewer with Sam Adams” at $616!
But there are still plenty of prizes to win under $100, including Storm Large’s Shoes, Ozzy Osbourne’s autographed baseball bat, Superbowl catering from the Wing Stop, and a private DJ for your next party (currently at only $61?? ARE YOU INSANE???)

There’s only an hour left, people! BID! BID! BID! And know that your precious pennies will really make a big difference to Portland’s homeless (via our charity for this year, SISTERS OF THE ROAD).

What are you waiting for? Crack out that credit card!! NOW!!!

PEPPER SPRAY: “Wash your eyes with cold water for 15 minutes…”

1.Yes, I will, actually, do it.
2.Yes, it will, actually, hurt.
3.Only if you’re willing to bid some serious money to benefit Sisters Of The Road.
4.I’m willing to bid AT LEAST $150 to avoid doing this.
5.$150x2.5=$375 to Sisters under this year’s bid matching program!!!
6.Randy Leonard, put your Braveheart money where your Braveheart mouth is and bid $250, or I’ll come round your office and stick an English flag in the front desk, symbolizing my country’s reclamation of your ancestral land.
7.You can pepper spray me with wode on and scream “freedom” for all I care.
8.Get bidding, auction closes at 4pm.

ZZZZZZ… Snort! HUH?? WHAAA?? Hey, I just woke up and realized… OMG! The Mercury Online Charity Auction Ends TODAY At 4 pm!!!

QUICK!! Jump over to this page and see if you’ve been outbid on the greatest gifts anyone could receive this holiday season!

QUICK!! If you haven’t placed a bid on anything yet, what are you waiting for? All the proceeds go to help the super awesome SISTERS OF THE ROAD nonprofit, which supports and feeds Portland’s homeless—and without any governmental help! Please bid generously!

QUICK!! And be sure to check back in around 3 pm, because that’s when the last bidders will be jumping in, and trying to steal your sweet prize away from you—and who can blame them? IT’S FOR CHARITY!

That’s the Mercury Online Charity Auction, and it all ends today at 4 pm! So get off your booty and Bid, BID, BID!!!

And once again, thanks to all our fantastic and charitable auction donors! Yer a peach!

Are you getting married this year? How about a friend? Then you already know how wicked expensive getting hitched can be. Now you can save a huge chunk of your wedding budget by bidding on “YOUR PERFECT WEDDING” in the Mercury’s Online Charity Auction! Check out everything that’s included!

Mercury Editor and legally registered Minister Wm. Steven Humphrey (that’s me) will preside over your wedding, writing and reciting a sweet, romantic ceremony (without all the annoying Jesus and misogyny stuff). Plus you’ll receive an adorably sexy black panty and bra set, with moisturizer and spa bath from the posh local girly shop Lille Botique (1007 E Burnside). On top of that? One delicious sheet wedding cake provided by fantastic local bakery Blue Gardenia (3747 N Mississippi); $100 worth of gorgeous flowers from gorgeous flower purveyor Quince Flowers & Events (1614 NW 15th Ave); AND a one-of-a-kind wedding dress (size 4) designed by Frocky Jack Morgan (inside Flutter, 3948 N Mississippi). This great package is worth over $1,000, so bid generously!

Whaaaa??? NOW ALL YOU NEED IS A MAN! Tell your soon-to-be-wedded friends to hit this sucker up quick. Right now, the bidding is only at $115… which is a goddamn STEAL! (And remember, all proceeds go to help feed the homeless via Sisters of the Road, and bidding ends this FRIDAY, Dec 14 at 4 pm.) I now pronounce you thrifty and wise!

Matt and Magenta invite Wm. Steven Humphrey into the studio to talk about the Mercury Charity Auction (of which the duo are a part of—see below) and television. All this plus Magenta gets new glasses and Matt defends Green Day. Music by Jay Reatard, Cornershop, and Chaka Kahn. Welcome to episode 49 of Pure Pod for Now People!

Don’t forget—if you want to hang out with Matt and Magenta and run your own episode of Pure Pod for Now People, you have the chance to do so! Just check out the Pure Pod Package in the Mercury’s Charity Auction for all the juicy details.

Dear Readers of the Mercury:
As you know, we are currently in the midst of our annual and extremely awesome MERCURY ONLINE CHARITY AUCTION, in which local celebs, businesses and more donate great stuff, you bid on it, and then all the proceeds go to SISTERS OF THE ROAD, a fantastic nonprofit that helps feed Portland’s homeless.
Please show your generosity this season by bidding as much as you can for each item… EXCEPT FOR ONE: KITSCHY COLLECTIBLES. Here’s the description:

Dear ashamed, former New Kids on the Block fans: When you win this amazing set of vintage New Kids on the Block dolls from Billy Galaxy (912 W Burnside), we’ll promise not to picture you doing the “Hangin’ Tough” dance in a pair of unstrapped overalls. In other fanatic fan news, Bridge City Comics (3725 N Mississippi) has donated some excellent Buffy the Vampire Slayer comics to the auction (#1 is signed by artist Georges Jeanty), which will look great in your Joss Whedon shrine. And since the rest of your pad could use some sprucing up, we’re throwing in a $50 gift certificate to Really Good Stuff (1332 SE Hawthorne), a fantastic junk/treasure shop in the very best sense of the phrase. (Maybe they’ll even have a “Step by Step” backpack for you.)

Currently the bid on this item is $36—HOWEVER! I am willing to pay at least $75 for these terrific dolls which I intend to see underneath my tree this Christmas. So do not break my heart this holiday season. DO NOT BID ANY FURTHER ON THESE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK DOLLS. They are MINE, motherfreaker!!

Here’s “Hangin’ Tough.”

Don’t forget, bidding ends THIS FRIDAY, Dec 14 at 4 pm!