I received an e-mail today from a Mercury reader who was curious to know if there is place in town that serves a “Luther” burger.

Subject: Foodie Question

Hoping one of your food writers/editors can help me…I am wondering if ANY place in/around Portland sells the doughnut burger, better known as the “Luther Burger” in some parts of the country. It seems strange and wonderful enough that someone in this fabulous food time would make/serve this.

Thanks so much!

Now, I’d never heard of a Luther burger before, but a quick search into blog archives revealed our admirable arts editor, Alison, had blogged about this amazing food item when it was introduced at a St. Louis minor league baseball park.

Here’s the skinny on this fatty fatty burger: It’s a bacon cheeseburger, the twist being that the buns are replaced by Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.

No shit.

It’s called the Luther because it is allegedly the brainchild of singer Luther Vandross. Wow.

I did a search and could not find any adventurous Portland restaurants that will admit to making this culinary abomination. Sure, VooDoo Doughnut has the bacon topped maple bar, but it’s a far cry from a bacon cheeseburger stuffed between to glazed rounds.

So, Blogtownies, be on the look-out for the Luther. Let me know if it pops up anywhere. For some reason I foresee a beautiful combination of VooDoo and Pine State Biscuits. This could be the beginning of my demise.

It’s sunrise at Dave’s Killer Bread factory. Outside the sky is pale blue and pink and Mt. Hood is picture perfect. Inside, the light is florescent but the air is pleasantly intoxicating — my eyes droop at 5:30a.m. but every breath is a pick-me-up of warm bread and grains. “Bread is a fickle mistress,” says my friend Dan, the Farmer’s Market manager for Dave’s Killer Bread. Today is the summer solstice, so that makes this morning the first Farmer’s Market of the official summer. It’s going to be big.

Bread sellers Dan, Helen and Jessica load the truck with 1,000 loaves of Dave’s all-vegan, all-organic brand which was all baked wrapped and sliced yesterday.

Black Sabbath blasts from the truck speakers as we pull onto the highway. It’s 6:22 a.m.

In a couple of hours, summer will have officially begun. Yay! And in honor of the momentous occasion I offer you another round of drinks sent in from friends and Blogtownies alike.

I’ll start it off with the Ginger Rose, created by a Blogtown reader who will remain nameless because I did not ask her if I could put her name on the website. (Pssst. If you’re reading this, send me another e-mail so I can give the credit where it’s due!)

1/2 lemon,
1 1/2 to 2 oz vodka (depending on your tastes),
1/2 oz Cointreau or Triple Sec,
dash angostura bitters (optional),
squeeze of fresh ginger juice (press a chunk through a garlic press),
soda water

Muddle the lemon in a cocktail shaker. Add ice, vodka, Cointreau, bitters, and ginger. Shake well to mix. Strain into a highball or double old-fashioned glass, add a few ice cubes, and top off with soda water to taste.

Yum! Lemon-y ginger goodness will sure as hell take the edge off those hot summer nights! Well Done.

Our second option is a little, well, odd. It comes to me courtesy of good friend and drinking buddy, J.B. Barker. I first learned about his creation, the Euro Boilermaker, when he sent a drunken, late night video message to my phone. I couldn’t quite make out what was happening, but he was all grins. It wasn’t until later that I learned the awful secret of his happiness. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Euro Boilermaker:

One glass of cheap red wine - Mr. Barker points out that you”l probably want to buy something that he’d pretentiously describe as “too jammy.”
One shot of frozen vodka

Pour wine into a tumbler or stemless wine glass. Pour frozen vodka shot into a shot glass and place beside glass of wine. Step back and admire. Try not to think about the abomination you are about to ingest. Now, before you lose your resolve pour the vodka into the wine glass and “chug chug chug.”

Mr. Barker proclaims that the experience is, “head rush city.” He also says that it is much better than you might expect. I say you need a pretty substantial set and maybe some type of mental deficiency to try this drink.

I’m not sure what the Euro Boilermaker will do for your summer - aside from granting some alcohol related amnesia to help you forget all the stupid shit you did while drinking Euro Boilermakers all summer. That is, at least, a small blessing.

And while we’re on the subject, check out 40 Things Every Drunkard Should Do Before He Dies from Modern Drunkard Magazine (one of my favorite publications). I’ve completed maybe half of this list. Guess which ones!

If you’ve got any summer cocktail recipies, send them along. They may just end up on Blogtown next Friday. Cheers!

If you’ve ever visited the Mercury’s NE Portland office, you’ve discovered that we’re in a food black hole. We’re between KATU’s offices and the Jantzen Building’s medical offices. In a four block radius, we’ve got a convenience store, a coffee shop, and two smoky dives that grill up burgers—and not much else.

Until last week. Two blocks away, Black Sheep Bakery opened a storefront addition to their commercial kitchen, at 523 NE 19th. From 7 am to 4 pm, they serve their baked goodies, coffee, sodas, and other standard coffee shop fare. They’ve also got egg sandwiches, biscuits and gravy, and a “Frittata o’ the day” for breakfast, then sandwiches, salads, soup, and a “Hot dish o’ the day” for lunch. I think I know where my disposable income’s going to disappear to over the next few weeks. (Notable: The original Black Sheep Bakery location on SE Main boasted “always vegan” treat. This shop has the aforementioned eggs, and there are meat options for the sandwiches. There are also lots of vegan offerings.)

Haven’t you always wanted someone to carve a bust of you… In cheese? I know I sure as hell have! Imagine my luck when I received a press release yesterday from Sarah Kaufmann Sculptures. The heading on the press release read, “A Sensational Holiday Gift:Custom Cheese Carvings.”

Kaufmann, known as “The Cheese Lady,” is a professional carver who creates custom cheese sculptures. Her cheese carvings are unique, entertaining and memorable — important attributes of the perfect holiday gift.

I was a bit confused because the only holiday in the near future is Fourth of July. For some reason, carving an American flag into a 30 pound block of Vermont cheddar and leaving it to ripen in the July sun while friends and family proceed to get wasted, just doesn’t sound appealing to me. Because you know that Uncle Herb is going to have his whole face jammed into that block of cheddar by the end of the night. Just imagine him there, burbling, drunk, neck deep in semi soft cheese while the little kids circle him, waving sparklers and singing God Bless America.

So maybe it’s not for me. But Rosie O’Donnell seemed to like it, She commissioned a carving that included her face among the patriots on Mt. Rushmore.

Rosie: Literally Cheesy

I seriously wonder if anyone digs in to these cheese sculptures or if they are purely aesthetic. I can’t imagine someone happily munching the cheddar saying,“Hey! Hey look! I’m eating Rosie O’Donnell.” Ewwwww.

Oh! Oh! And here’s another “ewwww” inducing food item! It’s a new malt liquor called Hard Creamer.

I will punch these people in the face

I’m sure that there have been tons of confused porn surfers who have stumbled onto HardCreamer.com only to be disappointed at the lack of any hard creaming.

But there is this somewhat salacious quote:

Hard Creamers are so easy to drink, it’s always easy to enjoy another.

Basically these are alcoholic cream sodas. The flavors so far are orange and strawberry. You know those teenage girls that went in on the pregnancy pact? I bet Hard Creamers had something to do with it. Call it kinder-hol or alco-pop or whatever. If I ever see an adult drinking this shit, I will punch them in the face. Or at least think really hard about punching them in the face.

I went to the courthouse for the first time today and stood in line for the metal detector as everyone around me emptied their pockets of prohibited items. I looked up some case files and headed out into the sunshine again when I saw this entrepreneurial establishment:

Yep, Matlock’s owner Bill Roadman will hold your mace, scissors or giant knife for up to 60 days as you do your courtly duties. “People will forget their stuff, so I wind up with a big bag of mace!” he laughed, flipping out a $100 switchblade he keeps on his belt loop after its owner never returned.

“It depends on what cop is on duty, but usually they’ll say to people in line, ‘The hot dog man’ll hold it for you!’” He doesn’t take guns or hash pipes, he says, because “the cops came snooping around” for the politely held drugs back when he started the impromptu business a year ago. It doesn’t make him a lot of money — at $1 an item, he only brings in $5-$10 a day — but it keeps things interesting. The biggest item he’s ever held was a sword. “It was an ornamental sword,” he explained, as if it the need for an an ornamental sword in the court house was more understandable than your classic broadsword.

The hot dogs smelled so good I almost caved and bought one. “But I haven’t eaten beef or pork for years,” I lamented to Bill. “Me neither,” said Bill, “Funny thing is I’ve been a vegetarian for 30 years!” That means he’s never tried one of his hot dogs despite running the stand for three years, ever since he saw it for sale online and thought it would be a good business venture. “People will ask me which hot dog’s the best and I just say, ‘All of them!’” he laughs. And why no veggie dogs at the stand? “This court house crowd, they’re meat eaters!”

posted by Sarah Mirk

I could sooo go for some Potachos right now! What’s a potacho, you ask? Well, according to Denny’s hip new late night menu, it’s nachos made from potato slices! Get it? Potacho? No?

In an effort to harden the “food-that-old-people-don’t-need-to-wear-their-teeth-for” vibe, Denny’s has launched an effort to woo the post-nightclub youth market with Denny’s All Nighter. Their alluring slogan reads, “Nothing Good Happens After Midnight. Except Denny’s.”

Participating Denny’s (82nd Ave at Clackamas Town Center and Stark St. at Mall 205) relax their atmosphere at midnight by playing rock music, allowing servers to dress casually, and offering bar type fare like potachos. Potachos!

The menu also includes a Smokin Q’ Four Pack of mini BBQ cheeseburgers, “‘cause bbq ain’t got a curfew.”

If bad grammar ain’t good ‘nuff to snag no wiley youth market, Denny’s has also launched an All Nighter website. There, you can listen to music from Myspace bands and vote for your favorites to be “adopted” by Denny’s, which entitles them to free meals while on tour! Score!

So, if you see your favorite Myspace band this summer and they’re looking a little portly and lethargic, you can bet you’ll see them at Denny’s after the show. No Way! Potachos with Foxy Shazam!

Foxy Shazam: Potachos make us sad.

Ahhh, with the weather finally warming, I’m starting to get the craving for ice cream! But I’m not sure what I get a craving for when I watch the following ice cream commercials. I feel allured and repulsed and hungry and guilty and… well, just dirty. I think it should be noted that these commercials originate outside of the United States. Some of them might not actually be selling ice cream. I’m not sure, does anyone read Hebrew? At any rate, in anticipation of the first day of summer, I give you visions of a warm and sunny future. May be NSFW if your boss is a perv.

Not sure about the origin on this one, but… wow… just… wow

More sexy/disturbing ice cream ads after the jump!

HEY YOU! Wanna free root beer float? Well, head in to an A&W today and they’ll hook you up. You don’t even need to buy anything to get it. Just walk in and say, “Hit me with that root beer float, yo!” and they’ll hand you one.

It’s happening nation-wide today and the press release says some idiotic thing about it being an altruistic gesture because gas prices are high and blah, blah, blah… just give me the effin’ float!

Oh, and Thomas Kemper is going to be giving out root beer floats in Pioneer Square next Monday too. What a great way to start the week! [UPDATE: Sorry, the Pioneer Square event isn’t until JULY 23. Got too excited.]

I love posting about free food because it’s like I’m doing a service for you Blogtownies and it makes me feel good inside. Enjoy!

Have you noticed the surge in cross town donut traffic these days? First, Voodoo parades to a new store on the east side and tomorrow Staccato Gelato plans a five mile bike romp to new digs in Westmoreland.

The fun begins at 10:30 am with a donut fuel up at the NE 28th Staccato Gelato location. Then participants will then peddle en masse to the new location at 1540 SE Bybee, where there will be live music “balloons of every color” and gelato gelato gelato!

Oh oh! And Pedalpalooza should be in full swing too! So eat all you want and just bike your fat ass off.

And while you’re riding, why not make the trek to the grand opening of waffle joint, Flavor Spot’s second location on the corner of N. Fremont and Mississippi. Need some incentive? How ‘bout free mother-effin waffles, yo! Not only free, but all you can eat (limited to one per turn in the line) of any waffle they have on their menu. Damn. They’ll be rockin’ the waffle love from 9 am to 3 pm.

If that does not satisfy your Saturday sweet tooth, then there is something seriously wrong with you.

I don’t go to the ‘Couv very often, but I might start knowing that Muchas Gracias is serving heart valve carne asada in their burritos!

Muchas Gracias - A surprise in every tortilla!

It seems a Vancouver Wash. man was eating a burrito at “his favorite favorite restaurant,” (he even has a Muchas Gracias bumper sticker on his car) when he bit into something that didn’t feel like carne asada.

(gag)

Luckily the crack team of reporters at Fox 12 were there to take a statement:

“That thing really scared me and I’m definitely going to think twice before I go back there, just because that was so traumatic for me to see something so weird in my burrito,” Swenson said.

Swenson said he saved the protein puzzle, which he thinks resembles heart valves.

Ya know, it does kinda look like heart valve. I bet that’s what it is. This guy should actually feel lucky - certain places in Mexico consider finding heart valve in your burrito is a good omen.

Here’s the whacky video with more disgusting mystery meat footage.

Hey, let’s go see the Hulk! Yeah, I’ll even buy you some popcorn! What, you want a large? Hmmm, I wonder how many calories a large popcorn has, anyway. Oh wait, lemme look it up on my iphone (bleep blurp click slide shmear)… Say, here it is on a Yahoo Health “experts” webpage called Eat This, Not That:

Large Popcorn
1,283 calories
78 g fat (49 g saturated)
1,850 mg sodium

HOLY SHIT! Are you kidding me? That’s insane. That’s something, like, half of the recommended daily intake of calories! Can we jog up and down the aisles while we watch this movie, because that’s just… Oh wait, there’s more.

Researchers gave patrons different-sized popcorn buckets, and those with large buckets ate nearly twice as much as those with medium buckets. And get this: In some of the buckets, researchers traded out the fresh-popped corn for two-week-old kernels! Those moviegoers munched away so absentmindedly that they put away 34 percent more stale popcorn than those with medium buckets of fresh corn!

Now that’s just SICK. Sick and wrong and twisted. Maybe we should just get some Nachos or something. Let’s see what they say about… Oh my GOD!

Large Nachos with Cheese (40 chips, 4 oz.) 1,101 calories 59 g fat (18.5 g saturated) 1,580 mg sodium

I thought nachos were healthy! I thought they were, like, a health food! I’ve been deceived my entire life. Okay, okay, this movie is NOT going to be ruined by these Yahoo Health douchebags! How bout we get some Whoppers. They’re small and mostly air, right?

Whoppers (5 oz. box) 676 calories 24 g fat (20.3 g saturated) 88 g sugars

Damnit! Damn! Damn! Damn! Oh, it gets worse…

How many malt balls does it take to run up a day’s worth of saturated fat? About 70, the number in a theatre-sized box of Whoppers. This candy’s a long-standing classic, but so are fat-guy comedians. You want to join that jowly double bill?

Oh, these Yahoo Health guys are so hi-larious… I hope they choke on their hi-larious carrot sticks! Alright, screw it, let’s just get a Cherry Coke then… Okay, I’m not even going to look… at… what THE HELL!

44 oz. Cherry Coke, 572 calories, 0 g fat, 154 g sugars

Okay, ya know what? Fuck it. Let’s just go home. Thanks for ruining the Hulk,Yahoo Health. No. No. Not just the Hulk… my whole summer movie fun! Bitches.