I dream about her. I woke up sweating today. This could happen for the next 9 years.

I have Palinitis.

Among the most sickening of Palin's suggestions last night was that Obama plans to "increase the tax burden on the American people by hundreds of billions of dollars." Well, according to some excellent Yahoo analysis done this morning, that's a flat-out lie: Obama plans to increase income for middle-income taxpayers by 5% by 2012, or nearly $2,200 annually. McCain's plan would only raise after tax income for middle-income taxpayers by 3 percent. For the poor, there's added incentive to vote for Obama:

Obama would provide $80 billion in tax breaks, mainly for poor workers and the elderly, including tripling the Earned Income Tax Credit for minimum-wage workers and higher credits for larger families.

The only "American people" for whom Obama plans to raise payroll taxes are those with incomes over $250,000, and corporate taxes for businesses that make more than $250,000 a year. Do you know anyone in that category? I don't.

The worst of it is, that these are the kind of details that aren't going to persuade those who plan to vote for Palin regardless. Because they require an attention span. And a first-grade ability with math. And probably a penis, to understand.

Because that's what the Republicans are implying: That women, to whom Palin is apparently going to appeal, can't do basic math. That they'll vote for a liar under political ethics investigation because she's a mother. Because she has a vagina.

The trouble is I think I fancy the governess too. And I'm powerless to control it. Vote Thatcher! I mean, er, Palin! Vote Palin!

That drug offer still stands. I'm so weak.

So far, there's a super-surreal video introduction to the 4th avenue store—two minutes with a jazz soundtrack, and some descriptions of a soda. But there'll be customer and employee interviews up soon, and I think this has the potential to be one of Portland's more interesting online communities.

Feel free to post your content suggestions.

If you feel we missed someone, toss 'em in the comments.

Columnist S. Renee Mitchell says: "I love what I do. I haven't looked at the offer yet, I've been at the Gang Violence Task Force meeting all morning."

Is she going to accept a buyout?

"I have no idea. I'd be really torn. I love my community and I've been able to do some great work in this place. We're luckier here at the Oregonian than at a lot of other newspapers, where they have just laid people off with a month's notice," she says. "I think the buyout offer is testament to Newhouse and Stickel in particular, in that they have treated people like a family, to how much they care about the people who have given their lives to this place."

Others are trying to decide on the offer. One woman, who preferred not to be named, told me she's been working in advertising at the O for 31 years. "It's a tempting offer," she said. But when asked if people were shocked, she said no. "People at this point are really more concerned about whether it makes sense financially to go sooner than they had planned," she said. "But it's not a depressing place to be."

"It's a very very good offer," said advertising credit worker Ray Gnann. "There hasn't been a package like this ever, I don't think."

Another woman has decided to accept the buyout.

"I'm eligible for it and I plan to take it," she said. "It's really an appealing offer for younger people. I'm 30, I've been here five and a half years, I get a year's pay and 2 years' medical for my kid, are you kidding me? I'm totally hire-able elsewhere. But for me it's so confusing because why would you want to get rid of your younger talent? Of course, I may end up taking the offer but being at the bottom of the list."

"The question we're all asking: Is there more stability in taking the buyout offer or in staying at the newspaper?" he says. "I don't know what the deal is at your shop, but we're all at a total loss right now as to the future of our business, the future of journalism, and whether we have this ridiculous confluence of a bad economy and a rapidly evolving information system that might leave newspapers behind."

"The buyout offer arrives at a really interesting time—it's been intense for a while in there, but a lot of us are understandably and naturally conflicted, especially those of us who love what we do, about whether it's time to pursue something else or renew our commitment," Duin continues.

"There's a great Ed Rickenbacker quote," he says. "That you should never be afraid to quit a job, and a lot of us are trying to make sense of a business we assumed would be here for our lifetimes. Is the rug being pulled out from underneath us? Not by the Oregonian's buyout offer, but by a business that's rapidly changing?"

Anyone else inside fancies talking, I'll be out here for a while. Thanks for your time, Steve.

UPDATE, 10:46: This is pretty awful. We're trying to figure out how many employees the Oregonian actually has. Either way, 100 is going to put an enormous dent in their operation. If you're an O reporter in the newsroom, give me a call on 503 502 2106. I want to hear what the mood is like down there. Honestly, I can't imagine.

UPDATE, 10:30: The Oregonian is offering a year's salary to those at the paper between five and 10 years as of October 6, and two years' salary to those there more than 10 years. Employees will receive healthcare for them and their dependents for 2 years or until they get another plan. Those offered buyouts are listed after the jump, but the deal seems to be on the table for almost everyone, from the newsroom through sales and production to the lowliest machinist in the print room. Meanwhile, here's the publisher's message:

Oregonian Publishing Company
Publisher's Message to Employees

August 22, 2008

I am sure, by now, everyone is aware of the serious financial situation facing the media industry. Newspapers today are operating in a competitive and economic environment, the likes of which have not been seen for over seventy years. Every major newspaper, including the New York Times, LA Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Seattle Times, USA Today and many others have been reducing operating expenses by offering buy-out and early retirement packages and/or laying off staff to offset the serious decline of revenues they are experiencing.

Although we have implemented a variety of plans to reduce expenses and create new sources of revenue, our financial picture continues to deteriorate. We simply have been unable to offset the unprecedented and continuing steep decline in advertising revenue. Each year since 2000, our advertising revenues have declined, year after year. While our revenue is down, our costs are up. Way up. Our steadily increasing operating expenses are driven mainly by escalating health care benefits, pension costs, newsprint price hikes and annual wage increases. And the future holds little promise those revenues will return. Therefore, we have an extremely serious situation here.

We must face up to this declining revenue and take extraordinary actions to bring our expenses and the size of our Company in line with our revenues, yet operate as efficiently as possible and stay competitive. These changes to the way we do business will involve realignment and centralization throughout the Company. Staffing must be reduced by a minimum of 100 regular, full-time employees.

Towards that end, editors and managers have finalized plans for department reorganizations, revisions in content and geographic distribution along with necessary staff reductions in all departments. Simultaneous with these reorganizations and structural changes, we are offering a voluntary and generous buy-out offer to full-time, regular employees of the Oregonian in selected job categories regardless of age with a minimum of five years of service at the Oregonian. The attached appendix "A" lists by department the job titles of employees who are eligible or not eligible for the buyout offer.

The voluntary buy-out program is being offered to employees working at divisions in the business, production and news departments where positions do not need to be replaced and where work can be reassigned more efficiently or where we can otherwise achieve cost savings. The offer will only be available until October 6, 2008 (45 days) and will not be repeated. Employees who accept the offer will have an opportunity to receive certain economic incentives, as explained in the attachment.

Those employees deciding to accept the offer will have to sign an agreement and general release, in the form attached, under which you release the Company from all claims, including all claims related to your employment or termination of employment and including any claims related to your age under the Age Discrimination Employment Act of 1967, as amended.

Additionally, the number of part-time employees in business and news departments will have to be reduced. Until October 6, 2008, a "severance package" for part-time employees will consist of 2 weeks pay per year of service to The Oregonian and one year of continued medical coverage for the employee. At the end of the offering period and when we know who has accepted the offer and who has not, we will review staffing and make appropriate decisions regarding assignments and transfers. This means it is possible employees will be asked to take on additional duties, transfer to another job or location, work in another department, or work different hours. But transfers are anticipated. Of course, those who are transferred to new assignments, perhaps in different departments, will be trained in their new duties. After the training, these employees will be expected to perform well in their new positions.

We are offering this voluntary buy-out to reduce the size of this company by at least 100 regular, full-time employees. Taking into account operational and business considerations, The Oregonian reserves the right to limit the number of eligible employees within specific job classifications allowed to accept the buyout. In the event more eligible employees than the limit within the specific job classifications elect to accept the offer, those employees with the longest credited service will be allowed to accept.

Your managers will meet with you individually over the next few weeks to discuss your individual situation.Those accepting the offer should review the Agreement carefully. You should consult with an attorney prior to signing the Agreement, and consider reviewing the tax consequences with your tax advisor. Those who accept the offer should notify their respective Department Manager/Editor then notify the Human Resource Department. The completed signed documents must be delivered to the Human Resource Department no later than 5 p.m., October 6, 2008.

You may take up to 45 days, or until October 6, 2008, in which to consider the agreement. You have the right to revoke this Agreement within a period of seven days following your signing the Agreement.

The Oregonian intends to schedule the final day of employment for those employees who accept the offer as soon as practical after the effective date of the employee's acceptance, but no later than November 7, 2008.

In evaluating your response to the buy-out offer, you may want to discuss the situation with members of your immediate family.

In closing, I repeat we have a serious financial situation here--by far the most serious in my 41 years as Publisher/General Manager. I strongly urge you to carefully consider the offer we are making. We need a significant number of you to accept. Please see your department manager, editor or HR with any questions.

Fred A. Stickel, Publisher

ORIGINAL POST, 9:43: Been offered a buy-out this morning? Care to tell us all about it? I've heard from multiple sources that there's "something big" going on down there today.

"What better way to show that we're people out here in need of housing who have respect for the community?" he asked. (Bishop is second from right, in blue).

"My stuff goes with me," said Donald Yates, left, who has been homeless for about 6 years. "I carry a bag of trash out with me every morning, but I always end up picking up other people's trash. There's homeless people like me who don't believe in mess."

Bishop has been out on numerous nights over the past week telling people he plans to do the clean-up. He says he wanted to be sure that if there was anything people needed, they'd have time to take it with them. "Most of this stuff was soaking wet and had been lying here for a long time," he says.

"In this progressive liberal city I've come across numerous articles that put homeless people in a bad light," says Paul De Jean, right, who has been homeless since his home was foreclosed on in January. "So when we saw this place we thought, next time they say homeless people are doing this or that, they'll be able to see we're doing something positive."

"I think this is a real good idea so we can show people that not all homeless people are trash," said Cindy, who didn't give her last name, but who has been homeless since May 2005.

When I left at 2:30, the unofficial campground was spotless.

ORIGINAL POST, 10:38: I'm sitting in City Council watching the Mercury's former managing editor, Phil Busse, present movies by students from the NW Institute for Social Change to city council. The projects were introduced by mayor-elect Sam Adams, who happens to be on the board of Busse's project, and boy, it seems like he bought a degree of editorial sympathy from the makers of the first documentary, which wholeheartedly praised Adams' controversial artist's housing project, Milepost 5, for providing affordable housing for artists.

The "former nursing home" on 82nd Avenue, claimed the documentary, was better suited to helping struggling artists than, well, you know, unsightly retired folks. It quoted someone saying "82nd avenue is famous for three things, porn shops, pawn stores, and Asian groceries," without seeming to reflect on why Asian grocery stores like Fubonn might be a better reason to visit the street than to watch some fucking half-witted video installation project or smoke a bowl with a dude in Birkenstocks.

In my opinion, Milepost 5 has nothing to do with the affordable housing debate. Nor do the city's so-called "struggling artists."

"Great project," said Adams. "Great films..."

[is sick in own mouth]

The Mercury has a firm policy of no fat chicks never negotiating with terrorists.

But last night there was a daring kidnapping during the Willamette Week's First Thursday poster show for Musicfest NW. Their precious iconic letters, seen here in happier times, were kidnapped by armed thugs, possibly some sort of jihadist sect hellbent on the destruction of these poor letters, and possibly, America itself.

This morning we received an unmarked videotape at our offices. Assuming it was homemade pornography we eagerly played it, only to find a very disturbing video, one that shook us to our very soul. As our publication bears the weight of being the moral foundation that this city rests upon, we know that we are placed in a very difficult situation here. If we refuse to bow to the terrorists' demands and not broadcast this video, these poor letters will surely end up floating in the river. Or worse, they'll have to spend eternity ghostwriting columns of Queer Window. That is a fate we wish upon no creature on God's earth. So, with a heavy heart--(and an eye on a Pulitzer (they love this shit)--we bring you the shocking ransom video of the Musicfest letters:

The terrorists have promised to send us updates on the letter's condition as the day progresses.
God help us all.

An artificial appropriation of different styles from different eras, the hipster represents the end of Western civilization - a culture lost in the superficiality of its past and unable to create any new meaning. Not only is it unsustainable, it is suicidal. While previous youth movements have challenged the dysfunction and decadence of their elders, today we have the "hipster" - a youth subculture that mirrors the doomed shallowness of mainstream society.

Wait...wait...that's totally me. I'm at a loss to ascribe meaning to my life, or yours, and nobody's paying me enough to escape it. Shit. If only I could get a freelance gig for Adbusters...

The American Apparel V-neck shirt, Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Parliament cigarettes are symbols and icons of working or revolutionary classes that have been appropriated by hipsterdom and drained of meaning. Ten years ago, a man wearing a plain V-neck tee and drinking a Pabst would never be accused of being a trend-follower. But in 2008, such things have become shameless cliches of a class of individuals that seek to escape their own wealth and privilege by immersing themselves in the aesthetic of the working class.

Damn you again, Adbusters. You're hitting home with these critiques, here.

But it is rare, if not impossible, to find an individual who will proclaim themself a proud hipster. It's an odd dance of self-identity - adamantly denying your existence while wearing clearly defined symbols that proclaims it.

Oh. Shit. So I'm not supposed to feel attacked. Right. I get it. In which case, I totally don't feel attacked, here. Except, well...that's kind of a passive aggressive attack, isn't it? It feels a little, er...hipsterish.

The dance floor at a hipster party looks like it should be surrounded by quotation marks. While punk, disco and hip hop all had immersive, intimate and energetic dance styles that liberated the dancer from his/her mental states - be it the head-spinning b-boy or violent thrashings of a live punk show - the hipster has more of a joke dance. A faux shrug shuffle that mocks the very idea of dancing or, at its best, illustrates a non-committal fear of expression typified in a weird twitch/ironic twist. The dancers are too self-aware to let themselves feel any form of liberation; they shuffle along, shrugging themselves into oblivion.

Aw, shucks. I'm at a loss, because that is totally how I dance. I guess you should just go over there and read it. It's food for thought. Especially coming from Adbusters, the quintessential magazine for economically and socially alienated hipsters since, what, 1997. Didn't they launch the "black dot sneakers" a while back? Are they just getting old, or what?

We are a lost generation, desperately clinging to anything that feels real, but too afraid to become it ourselves. We are a defeated generation, resigned to the hypocrisy of those before us, who once sang songs of rebellion and now sell them back to us. We are the last generation, a culmination of all previous things, destroyed by the vapidity that surrounds us. The hipster represents the end of Western civilization - a culture so detached and disconnected that it has stopped giving birth to anything new.

I now want to kill myself. Thanks, Adbusters. Nothing like a nice uplifting read!

The truth is, I have no response. I'm paralyzed. Help.

[Meanwhile, for clarity: I'm assuming Caldwell wrote this piece, because it's signed on the O's blog. But I could be wrong. Still. Being from the generation that doesn't bother, I'm not going to worry too much about it. Y should I?!]

I came to Portland having graduated college in Brighton, England: a town rather like Portland, with a progressive bent but few well-paying jobs. I moved back to my parents' house in South London and worked a graduate job at a bank to pay off my credit cards and bank overdrafts, and build some capital. Then I quit to work for a photographer, and ultimately, got a postgraduate journalism certificate and a job at a financial trade paper. I still have $20,000 in student loans, but fortunately, in England, you have to be earning a certain amount before you have to start paying them off. So last year, for example, I had to write a check for $850, and call it square. They charge 2% interest. Who cares.

My wife was able to get a job here in Portland, and when we eventually got together and were looking at whether to live in Portland or London, Portland seemed an obvious choice, if only for economic reasons, and because I didn't fancy sharing my parents' attic with her to avoid joining generation debt.

I can't speak for wifey, but I came here because Portland seemed like one of the last places in America or the UK where it might be possible to live the kind of life my parents had lived in their 20s, independent and excited, without having to depend on them, or on a credit card, for financial support.

But Portland is changing. They're not planning the new I-5 bridge for nothing. This is a city, I think, with massive economic potential. And that means the young'ns are going to get priced out. There's going to be more competition for the same jobs. Portland's "laid back" character will be nothing but a facade masking a ruthless tussle for the limited opportunities on offer. Just like New York.

If you need a metaphor for what I'm suggesting, just look at mayor-elect Sam Adams. He may be gay. Hell, he may even be "nice." He rides a bike! He was Oregon raised, for crying out loud. But mark my words: The guy is ambitious as all hell. And if you're in his way, he'll close you down. Just ask convenience store owner, Doug Peterson.

I don't expect people like Caldwell to care, of course. After all, the worst he'll be facing over at the O is a buyout settlement when the paper eventually decides it can't afford to employ him any longer, and he'll probably have enough to retire to the coast. But for us young, ambitious Portlanders, those of us who came here to get started, rather than to live in our parents' basements (or attics) any longer, it rather sticks in the craw to have some old hack attack a whole generation based on a stereotype from 1992.

I was 13 in 1992, Bob. And people like me are about ready to drink your milkshake...whether you like it or not.

This is news you read on Blogtown yesterday. About an incident that happened last week.

Sort of reminds me of the time we reported that the Cesar Chavez rename was back in play--it was in our paper on June 26--and you gave it lots of play (and added practically no new information) more than two weeks later.

Huh. Who's calling the shots over there?

American Gun Culture Report is edited and published by Ross Eliot, who as far as I can tell, has spent a lot of time on a commercial fishing boat in Alaska, and likes guns. This is the schtick:

Do you like guns but hate "gun people?" Are you uncomfortable when political "progressives" support every amendment from the Bill of Rights but the 2nd? Do you wish you could walk into a gun store in full drag and get advice on which holster will best hide a full size 1911 automatic (and spare magazine) with your fabulous outfit?

Yes, Ross, yes I do! I was only thinking the other day, "which holster is going to best hide a full size 1911 automatic (and spare magazine) with my fabulous outfit!!" It's $3 an issue, and, I would suggest, well worth a liberal Portlander's time. But then you knew I'd say that. Didn't you.

WARNING: DRAMATIC RECREATION OF A DRAMATIC RECREATION...

After that slow-moving trainwreck that was the Portland Music Awards, it was decided that we should probably cease making fun of Craig Marquardo and his narcissistic voyage into insanity (and bad musical choices), Music Spectator magazine ("The Magazine for the Portland Music Scene").

Now that the magazine has returned from its extended hiatus, Marquardo is back to releasing this absolutely baffling rag with regularity, even declaring it the "2nd largest magazine in Portland," a statement which is most likely as truthful as his comments about his "oldest friend" Sting ("I plan to spend some time with my friend Sting... We have been friends for 20 years"). But when dealing with the Smashmouth-soundtracked nonstop spiral of delusion that is Music Spectator, it's best not to question how a magazine with 5-6 ads (a few of which are most likely trades) can support a supposed 50,000 circulation.

Whatever. Logic is not important here.

What is important is Marquardo's open-minded take on hiphop ("I know, most rap acts are not even considered musicians."), his enlightened view of all-age shows ("Do we really want to press the issue and try and gain access for our children to be able to go to clubs, bars and music venues?"), and his creepy vacation plans ("On the 20th of June, I leave for the beautiful Curacao. Gonna go stay at the Superclubs there. You know...just me, a hot girl, a hammock."). Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Craig, don't have too much fun in that hammock, we need you back in Portland to continue your stunning devotion to Portland music. Godspeed, brave Marquardo!

End Hits: We're just jealous of all that Smashmouth coverage.

Not only was "The United States of Lyncherdom" politically incorrect, it still is. It blames one of the most shameful aspects of American history on moral correctness, the herd mentality that prevailed among Americans who regarded themselves as right thinking. Twain decided that the country, or at least his readership, was not ready for that essay. It wasn't published until 1923, when Twain's literary executor slipped it, hedgily edited, into a posthumous collection. Not until 2000 did it appear in its original form, and then in an obscure, scholarly publication. It takes a genius to strike the funny bone in a way that can still smart nearly 100 years later. The nation's highest official accolade for comedy is the Kennedy Center's Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, which will be awarded this November to the late George Carlin--another man whose commentary grew bleaker and more biting in his last years. But old Mark, unvarnished, might be too hot for cable, even, today.