I'm not an otaku, I don't get most anime and I can't even really grasp the idea of sexualizing rabbits. Obviously I'm not the target audience for this clip. Even so, something about bunny girl fighting famous characters from every realm of geekery alongside ELO's "Twilight" totally does it for me.

Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
Hedo! Hedo!
Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
Hedo! Hedo!
Who holds back the elctric car?
Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
Hedo! Hedo!
Who robs gamefish of their site?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
Hedo! Hedo!

Well, before you praise "The Chosen One" for bringing in Turkoglu—rumored to be paid $50-52 million for five years—the deal is still not done. Initial reports earlier today had the Turkish Jordan (god, I hate that nickname) agreeing to the deal "in principal," but in the past few hours it seems that nothing is finalized. We'll keep you updated.

*** 6:50 Update ***
Yahoo Sports is reporting that Hedo has turned down the Blazers' offer and might be headed to Toronto. What a glorious day!!!

Blue Oregon is reporting that raging granny Bonnie Tinker was killed yesterday in a bike accident in Virginia. Tinker put most Portlanders to shame when it came to standing up, or sitting down, for what she believed in, and she has appeared regularly in this paper's news section since I joined three years ago. Guts are a rare quality these days, and she had them. She'll be missed.

Fort Worth Mayor Mike Moncrief called on federal prosecutors Friday to look into last week’s bar raid that resulted in a serious head injury to one patron.

Parallel investigations—one by Fort Worth police and another within the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission—are already under way into what happened Sunday at the Rainbow Lounge.

And, police chief Jeff Halstead has announced the indefinite suspension of bar checks conducted jointly by his department and TABC.

Sounds like Fort Worth is trying to throw TABC under the bus. Let's wait and see what the feds find out.

UPDATE: The mayor isn't calling for a federal investigation, as the report above suggests. The mayor's is calling on the feds to review the investigations currently being conducted by the FWPD and TABC once they're completed. Not sure what that accomplishes. Full text of the mayor's statement after the jump.

I would say look for the bottomless pit of desperation in his eyes… but I'm sure you have a better answer. Give it up at Questionland!

SARAH PALIN PLANS TO RESIGN AS ALASKA'S GOVERNOR!

I am so glad this is not a joke.

In her final moments, she did not even use the old "spend more time with the family" excuse but opted for a dumbass basketball line: "I know when it's time to pass the ball for victory." In memory of the Best Political Career America Has Ever Seen can we take a minute to remember our favorite Palin moment? Mine was when she winked at the camera during the VP debate. Or maybe when the infamous jazz flute tape surfaced?

Back in April, the governor strong-armed Oregon legislators into keeping $30 million for the CRC in the state budget, but two funding sources for the bridge are two words everyone hates to hear: taxes and tolls.

This week the CRC project sponsors council convened two public listening sessions on tolling the bridge, one in Vancouver and one at the Jantzen Beach. I don't think it was intended this way, but what a hilarious practical joke to stage a meeting about traffic congestion and smart transit planning at the Jantzen Beach mall at 6PM on a workday. According to a quick show of hands, only eight Oregonians showed up to the far-flung meeting and I personally had plenty of time to contemplate the benefits of light rail while stuck in hot traffic for 40 minutes. Outside the meeting room, an obese woman in blue Crocs kept pumping quarters into one of the mall's massage chairs.

But anyway, here's the deal on tolling - the bridge needs to be tolled to help cover its insane construction costs as well as to control traffic and incentivize taking transit. The lowest possible scenario the CRC bigwigs are thinking about (the one studied in the draft Environmental Impact Statement on the bridge) would vary from $1 during the slowest times to $2 during peak hours. But the plan that would make the most money ($6.1 billion) and reduce traffic the most, projections show, is way higher — $3 tolls in the middle of the night and $6 during peak hours. At the listening session, which was dominated by anti-toll, anti-light rail types, several people said tolls were an infringement on personal liberty. “Tolling the 1-5 bridge would effectively crush the liberty of highway users,” said one person to loud applause.

And on top of the tolling hurdle, get this: while the federal government is covering the cost of constructing Vancouver's section of light rail, Vancouver will need to pay for operations and repair of the light rail with an increased sales tax. That Vancouver voters will need to approve next year. They might as well call it the "snowball in hell" vote.

The tax increase would only be a one-tenth or two-tenths of one percent sales tax increase and Vancouver Mayor Royce Pollard is more optimistic than I am about his constituents' willingness to pony up a few cents in the name of progress. "Obviously, it will be a very close vote. It's not the best of times to be talking about even a two-tenths or one-tenth increase," says Pollard. "But we are essentially getting this light rail system for pennies." As for tolls, Pollard notes that "people are not going to be happy" when the scenarios go above $1.50. He suggests Oregon and Washington's legislature give commuters tax write-offs for part of their toll payments.

If you want more info, check out the CRC's new tolling info website - which is also where you can comment on tolls if you couldn't make it out to the two absurdly inconvenient meetings.

Health Care! Now With a Public Option! Obama and the Dems unveil their new socialist healthcare agenda. Things get wiiiiillld.

Neo-Nazis Recruit Teabaggers! The 4th of July just got a wee bit more exciting.

40 Statues of Children, 1 Former Ferris Wheel. Memorial tours of an eerily vacant Neverland Ranch begin.

I'm melting... melting! That's your iPhone talking.

Lance Armstrong - Again! America's only superhero is back in the "Tour de Farce" (ha! way to lay the smackdown, Christian Science Monitor.) Have you seen his ridiculous bike?

Puking Pug Police Cover-up! This actually happened yesterday but I can't believe we haven't already linked to it.

New Chasse Revelations: Are very sad.

Firing Bonus: Remember the public official who spent $240,000 on a public-paid credit card? The Metropolitan Exposition and Recreation Commission finally paid him $168,000 to resign and not sue.

Also in very important news! The Merc office is closed today in honor of our nation and our fine tradition of exploding devices. Except the blog to be a little slow - while you're waiting, get outside and blow something up!

America and Videogum, we salute you both.

This is when beer is perfect: I’m fresh from the shower after a hot run. The world has cooled a bit and twilight is coming on. As the light fades, I’m standing on the sidewalk outside the house watering the garden. I’m wearing a sleeveless shirt, madras pants, and flip flops—a beer in one hand, a water hose in the other. The water hisses and the chilly mist falls on my arms. I tip the beer to my lips. The neighbors walk past with their dog. One says, “That’s a man who knows how to irrigate.”

Yep.

Yesterday was only a two beer day, and I missed my tutoring session on account of this exercise program I’ve started to keep my job from killing me, so today’s will be a short post. To wit:

No, literally, to Wit. Wit bier, that is (I know, I’m sorry). I’m actually a bit confused about this one. On the beer list, this little number was classified as a Wit bier from Oakshire in Eugene, but on the Oakshire website it’s called, simply, Wheat. I’m thinking it might be just semantics, but I have a sense the classification mix-up might annoy purists (challenges of authenticity, etc.). Though I’d like to get some opinions on the issue, I’m mostly interested in the flavors in my glass.

This wheat beer was very turbid. It hit the bar looking like a wheat field in the fog, and that fog never cleared. But from the first sip, I was hooked. The tones here were citrusy and bright (even more so when the thin orange round was placed on the rim of my glass). The mouth feel was very rich. It had a noticeable fullness but it didn’t go as far as being chewy, which surprised me considering how cloudy it was. I also enjoyed the little hit of hops on the top of the flavor profile that made it that much more refreshing (the Oakshire Wheat label pegs it at 24 IBU’s). For me, this was just enough hops. Very nice summer beer, and one I expect to come back to several times this summer.

My second beer yesterday was the one I enjoyed while watering the garden. I was supposed to be at Saraveza for the Session Black release BBQ, but it was too late. Luckily, I had scored a bottle of Full Sail's Session Black earlier in the day and it was nice and cold by the time I’d returned from the run.

I really dug this stubby. It had the subtle sweetness of lager but the nice kick of something darker. Mostly, I perceived notes of coffee and chocolate… maybe a little molasses. In the mouth, it had the vivacity and lightness of lighter brew. Neat trick! This beer made me want to find out more about malt. I mean, I think I have an idea of what malt flavor is, but it’s ghostly and difficult to pin down. What I’d like to do is taste a pure essence of malt (for better or worse) so I could pin down its content in beers like Session Black. The one stubby I had went far to quickly and I immediately wanted a second. Too bad for me. I’ll probably write about this one more later. I’m thinking it will be a good BBQ beer and I’m certain it would be “holy crap!” good with a cherry pie.

Great, now I have to buy a case of Session Black and hit the farmers market. Life sucks, eh?

For those playing the home game: Oakshire Wheat (Witbier?) on draft, and one lonely Session Black. I’d love to get your comments.

Imagine for a moment that you are a creative mind at a second-tier cable station aimed at the female, 18-to-49 demographic. You wish you could mastermind a show with the uplifting hopefulness of NBC's The Biggest Loser, in which contestants competitively diet and exercise. You wish it could be as popular (and feature as many gleaming dental caps) as Dancing with the Stars. You don’t have much time!

This is what you come up with:

You are fucking brilliant.

In case it’s not clear, this show is about a bunch of obese, high-energy contestants who are two-stepping their way to weight loss. Each week, they’re measured against each other using a metric of pounds shed, dance quality, and sheer likeability.

But what do you call this new show? The Biggest Dancer? Weight Loss with the Stars? How about Diabetes Dance Grooves? Fat Fat Revolution?

NO! You call it DANCE YOUR ASS OFF! Soon you will be rich.

Women everywhere will shout "You go girl!!" at their televisions for an hour each week.

Meanwhile, your competitors are kicking themselves and scrambling to find a counter-strike in the 10 pm Monday timeslot. "How about Dancing with the Chefs?" they cry. “American Idol: Plus Size!” “Project Run-Weigh!" They are desperate. They brainstorm deep into the night, but it is no use. You have outwitted them. Your new reality competition game show is a hit, despite the fact that it’s as far from reality as a bent-over Oprah is from her toes.

Thanks to you, the Oxygen network will be raking it in for as long as the emotions and the pounds flow freely. With a little luck, the starving, exhausted competitors will shed enough tears to drown a cat.

Sometimes, when I watch clips from this show, I start to feel like that cat. I'm also reminded of Chris Farley—a trailblazer in the giant gyration genre, with an extra-large bundle of grace. We miss you Chris, and hope that in your grave, you are doing the lambada.

Now Multnomah County has one. As Stranger editor Christopher Frizelle reported earlier, a suit was filed Tuesday right here in Portland alleging that Seattle Sounders player (and last week's man of the match) Nate Jaqua sexually assaulted a woman when she was attending the University of Oregon on a soccer scholarship in 2007:

At midnight, she headed home alone, but says Jaqua insisted on walking with her for several blocks.

That's when Jaqua attacked the plaintiff and "subjected her to a brutal, forcible sexual assault," the lawsuit claims. Jaqua allegedly penetrated her vagina and anus with his fingers and penis, and then ejaculated and urinated on her.

The alleged victim is seeking $5million in damages, and of course it should be stressed that these are all just allegations at this stage. Calls to her attorney and to the Seattle Sounders are yet to be returned.

Wheeler coupled the settlement vote with a more positive step by the county this morning: The decision to finally move forward on a sub-acute facility for those, like Chasse, who are in mental health crisis. Wheeler has drawn criticism from mental health advocates for the past two years for failing to move on the idea—a key recommendation of a committee formed by former mayor Tom Potter in the wake of Chasse's death.

"I think this is in the best interest of the community and the Chasse family, and it allows us to get beyond the legal issues in the case and move toward a better system of delivery for people in mental health crisis," said Wheeler.

The new center is expected to open on East Burnside and MLK, on the second floor of the existing Hooper Detox Center, in late 2011. In the spring, the county gave Central City Concern $1million slated for the sub-acute facility to move the Hooper detox center to a new CCC building at the old Ramada Inn in the Rose Quarter by May 2010—thereby making space for an overhaul of the Hooper building. PDC has approved $75,000 in pre-development for the project, and has set aside $2million in its 2012-13 budget to cover the cost of the sub-acute center, said PDC government affairs specialist Keith Witcosky. Witcosky said PDC will "be as creative as we need" to cover the time lag between now and 2012, and hopefully move the money into this fiscal year so that work can begin as soon as possible. The county currently faces an $800,000 a year budget hole in opening the sub-acute facility, said county mental health director Joanne Fuller, but it hopes to plug the gap by working with the city, state, and CCC. "There is also the potential for stimulus dollars," said Fuller.

"I don't think a celebration is in order today," said Wheeler. "There's an opportunity here."

Wheeler said the new center, which is expected to house those in mental health crisis for up to 10 days while they stabilize, before moving them into housing through CCC, "is going to be effective, and cost effective, and I don't want to overlook the fact that it's humane."

If anyone were tempted to celebrate, they would have been sobered pretty quickly by further developments in the case. New documents filed yesterday by Chasse family lawyer Tom Steenson throw new light on it: State medical examiner Karen Gunson had previously explained broken ribs in Chasse's back from his fall to the ground. But since no evidence exists to suggest Chasse ever fell on his back, the deposition of Gunson contains a new concession: "Since there is no evidence that Chasse landed on his back when he was taken down to the concrete, and if he was struck in the left side, Gunson opines that it is more probable that his posterior left ribs were broken by a violent kick or knee drop than during the fall," says Steenson, in yesterday's document filed with the court. Here's Gunson's deposition:

Gunson found 48 separate abrasions or contusions on Chasse's body, including 16 possible blows to the head.

The documents also include the deposition of Portland Police Bureau Officer Christopher Humphreys, which make it quite clear that Humphreys never saw Chasse urinate on the sidewalk—an alleged detail which has consistently been reported about the incident as a possible legal basis for the officers stopping Chasse. At most, Humphreys thought he saw Humphreys urinating in his pants because there was possibly a wet patch on his trousers, according to his deposition testimony. But the ground by his feet was completely dry.

You can download the documents in their entirety here. Warning: File Ex2.pdf contains intense and disturbing autopsy images of Chasse.

Several witnesses described Chasse's screams during his encounter with police officers at the corner of NW 13th and Everett on September 17, 2006. "He seemed like a scared animal," said witness Melissa Jane Gaylord. Electrician Tony Lee Carter "thought [Chasse] was dead" for a period during which Chasse was unconscious on the sidewalk, following his beating.

Bike lawyer Mark Ginsberg, another witness said: "I did hear Mr.Chasse yelling mercy, mercy, mercy, and that was personally pretty sort of disturbing to me."

Witness Justin Soltani said he saw an officer sitting on Chasse. "He had his knees on him. He was crouching down on his back." Soltani also said during his deposition that "Mr.Chasse couldn't run. He was galloping. He was bouncing up and down, rather than, if I saw him run."

Chasse's trouble running is consistent with accounts by Chasse's old friends that he was hit by a TriMet bus in his youth and sustained leg injuries.

"There was clear vocal mocking, the mocking of Mr.Chasse's cries for help," said witness Randall Stuart:

Portland Police Sergeant Kyle Nice radioed for backup saying Chasse was "unconscious" on the street corner, but never informed paramedics of the extent of force used or of Chasse's prolonged unconsciousness, according to the documents.

"NICE WORK BOYS. GLAD U R OK N HE ISN'T. I'LL DO THE AFTER ACTION WHEN I GET THE RPTS TONIGHT!" wrote Police Bureau Sergeant O'Keefe, in an in-car computer message to Sheriff's Deputy Bret Burton, after the event.

An expert witness, Lou Reiter, former deputy police chief of the Los Angeles Police Department, also testifies in a written statement that Officers Nice, Humphreys, and Sheriff's Deputy Burton did not follow police policies and practices in treatment of someone who is at least suspected of being mentally ill. Reiter described the officers' use of force as "unreasonable," and their failure to disclose the force used on Chasse as "unreasonable."

It is against the city attorney's policy to comment on ongoing cases.

The city initially said yes. Since the design meets the city's transit oriented development guidelines, the project was officially stamped good for transit because it's over 10 units, makes 20 percent of its apartments "affordable" and is within a quarter mile of MLK Avenue (a rapid bus transit Main Street).

But that seems absurd to neighbor Tracy Olson, who wrote an appeal against the plan. "How is his development Transit Oriented? He is building a 49 car parking lot on the ground floor, something the City does not require and in fact a feature that in the City's eyes discourages mass transit usage. This parking lot will include ONE car share space - for 72 apartments, ONE car share as part of the TOD abatement qualifications, Transit Oriented?"

Olson's right - while the transit-oriented zoning means developers don't have to put in any parking spaces for residents in a project like this, the city's "transit oriented" criteria do not include a parking space maximum. The car share space isn't required for transit-oriented development either, that's just a "public benefit" a developer can putting in to qualify for the tax break. So what if Portland forced developers to build carfree housing in mass transit corridors? I wrote last year about some smart young architects who are doing density right in North Portland — their cohousing project started off with parking spaces, but ripped them out to make room for more condos.

That's an extreme. But, hey, isn't Portland looking to be the most sustainable city in the whole wide world?

The Albert Apartments design is up for appeal in July, drop the NE Coalition of Neighborhoods a line to figure out how to get involved.

If blue raspberries actually existed, and if they could go rotten, and then if those rotten blue raspberries could be distilled into some kind of fetid, greasy syrup, then that is what "Liquid Ammunition" is like.

Also, if you touch "Liquid Ammunition" with your skin, your skin will be stained blue for several hours afterward.

Also, the phrase "Liquid Ammunition" makes me uncomfortable.

This weekend, should you require more stimulation and spectacle than explosions, hot girls in cutoffs, and the mouth-watering scent of grilled meat on a summer's evening can provide—

Wait. Let me try that again.

Should you have a philosophical objection to observing the Fourth of July, insofar as it's a nakedly nationalistic celebration of American militarism that also scares all the dogs and cats, here are a couple other options for your weekend entertainment (both of which happen to promise a fair amount of spectacle themselves):

San Francisco-based company the Carpetbag Brigade presents the Portland premier of their show You Don't Know Jack, alongside a performance of Hand2Mouth's creepy fairy tale/rockstar deconstruction Undine—that's out at Milepost 5, tonight and Saturday, 8 pm, $10.

Tomorrow night, it's the first of the Wanderlust Circus' three-show series The Endless Road, a circus show that promises dancers, acrobats, and other circus-y things, plus performances by a different band DJ for each show—this week, it's the March Fourth Marching band. That's tomorrow at the Bossonova Ballroom, $17-22.

(Storm Large is taking the weekend off.)

More theater listings here.

I was about to answer, "You can purchase a pair from my underwear drawer," but... mine are currently in use. SO HELP A FELLOW PATRIOT OUT, WHY DON'TCHA? (At Questionland.)

Please stop putting that in your butt, and hat tips to Buzzfeed.

"Check ahead for July 4th liquor store hours:
The Oregon Liquor Control Commission reminds customers to check holiday hours at your local liquor store. State law provides that liquor agents have the discretion to open or close on holidays and Sundays."

Thanks, OLCC!

Meanwhile, downtown plans are in the works for an ultra-modern building: Portland Architecture has the first full rendering I've seen of the planned Oregon Sustainability Center.

The website for the 250-foot tall building proposed to take up the city block between SW 4th and 5th Ave at Harrison and Montgomery has a bunch of cool design ideas for how to make the structure water independent and zero energy impact.

I’m in the Horse Brass [4534 SE Belmont] for the Oregon Craft Beer Month kick-off party, puzzling over a Double Mountain Bohemian Pilsner, when the yelling and whistling begins. It seems a table near us has had a tad too much, and in their drunkenness has lost all decorum. The folks running the event are having none of it. They quiet the table with a firm, exasperated, “Stop! Please!” I take another sip of my beer and think, there but for a high tolerance and acute sensitivity to jackassery go I.

Last night began my self-enforced exile vacation from cocktails as I travel in the mysterious lands of Oregon craft beer for the next 30 days. I plan on posting daily updates as I try to erase what is left of my beer ignorance. I’ll be discussing the finer points of tasting, brewing, and styles with any beer experts willing to sit and have a pint with me. The interviews, tips, and insights will be right here on Blogtown for your perusal.

The hope is that you, dear Blogtownies, will drink along with me. If you don’t know much about beer, we’ll learn together. If you know more than you should about beer, you can help the rest of us by dropping your righteous knowledge in the comments.

I expect that as I talk to more folks my insights into what I’m drinking will become progressively more astute. But for these first few posts I’ll ask for both your patience and your insight.

Now, let’s drink (after the jump):

The body of Seaman August Provost of Houston, Texas, was discovered about 3:30 a.m. on the western edge of the base, said Doug Sayers, a spokesman for Navy Region Southwest.... The death has local gay activists calling for a formal investigation into whether Provost was slain because of his sexual orientation.

“While 'Don't ask, Don't tell' is in place, anybody in the military who is a homosexual has no place to go to get assistance or counseling,” said Ben Gomez of Servicemembers Legal Defense Network, an advocacy group for gays in the military.

Provost's boyfriend, Kaether Cordero, said yesterday that Provost was openly gay but kept his private life quiet for the most part.... Provost had recently complained to his family that someone was harassing and bothering him, and they advised him to tell his supervisor, said his sister, Akalia.

It looks like they're just skating for fun as part of a class. Only one of them is wearing a helmet. All of them will make you jealous of their sweet red, white and blue styles.