Blogtown, PDX, Portland Mercury

Hey, Slackers! Your New Arts Tax Deadline is Monday, June 10

Denis C. Theriault — Wed, 22 May 2013 16:29:37 -0700

The technical glitch that snarled last week's arts tax payment deadline has been fixed, the city just reported, and the deadline for paying the arts tax (remember, $35 for most income earners) has now been extended to June 10.

That's almost two months, let's note, after the original April 15 deadline.

It's been a long couple of days, so I'll be pasting in the press release that everyone else will mostly just be rewriting anyway. Just remember two things: Monday, June 10. And www.PortlandOregon.gov/artstax.

Oh, and the city told me last week that it's unclear how all this is affecting the cap on how much revenue can be devoted to administrative costs.

On May 15, 2013, the City’s website experienced a problem related to the overwhelming response of Portlanders paying their Arts Tax on the deadline. As a result, people were not able to pay their tax late that afternoon and evening.

To prevent the online payment system from overloading, City technical personnel implemented measures to limit the number of concurrent filers on the site at any one time.

These new measures will monitor payment processing capacity. If higher than manageable capacity is reached, then users will get a message asking them to submit their payment in a few minutes. This message will come up when the user selects the button to submit the payment. Users have the option to wait a few minutes and try again or send in their payment by mail. Having this system in place will ensure that usage does not exceed the system capacity and allow payments to continue to be processed online.

Technical staff are also working on increasing the overall capacity of the payment site.

City staff are validating payments that happened on Wednesday, May 15 when the system became overloaded. If there are discrepancies, filers will be contacted and adjustments made as necessary.

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Some Very Important Things About Fast & Furious 6

Erik Henriksen — Wed, 22 May 2013 16:14:00 -0700

Writing about films as important as Fast & Furious 6 is immeasurably difficult—there are a lot of things to get through before you can even talk about what the film means, from the series' increasingly complex timeline to the its detailed and nuanced physics.

My review—my futile, earnest, failed attempt at summing up all there is to say about Fast & Furious 6 in a mere 300 words—is here. There were, however, three things that I was not able to fit into the review. I shall now list them here.

1. The main personality trait of one of my favorite Fast & Furious characters, Han Seoul-Oh (Sung Kang), is that he loves eating snacks. He eats a ton of snacks in Fast & Furious 6! Actually, he might even eat too many snacks?

2. The Rock is referred to by various names in this film, including "Hobbs" and "Agent Hobbs." (Also, characters frequently remark that they can "smell baby oil" when he approaches.) Here are my four favorite things the Rock is called during Fast & Furious 6:

~ "Captain America"
~ "Hulk"
~ "Samoan Thor"
~ "Cop"

3. As I have previously noted, I believe Haywire to be one of Steven Soderbergh's best films; it's also a film that marked the cinematic debut of Gina Carano, a former MMA fighter. Carano is in Fast & Furious 6—her character, "Riley," works alongside Hobbs/Captain America/Hulk/Samoan Thor/Cop—which is FANTASTIC. However. Even though it is clearly evident that Carano could beat the holy hell out of everyone else in Fast & Furious 6—at one point, the Rock even implies she should be playing his role*. And yet, in my only complaint about the film, the only person they have Carano fight is Michelle Rodriguez. Whaaaaat? Presumably, this is because they are both women. Whaaaaat? BOO. I don't even know how to begin with what a massive missed opportunity this is, so instead I will simply remind you how great Carano is.

Good day.

*"Woman, you keep that up, I'm gonna be out of a job!" —Hobbs (the Rock) to Riley (Gina Carano) in Fast & Furious 6.

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Council Approves $35,000 for Man Claiming Police Beating at Police Brutality March

Denis C. Theriault — Wed, 22 May 2013 15:59:30 -0700

Clifford Richardson was among the multitudes who joined a 2010 march against two recent police shootings that wound its way around downtown and past the Portland Police Association headquarters in Northwest—and saw a bunch of windows smashed out and other reported acts of occasionally violent disobedience.

Richardson, 24 at the time, also was among a handful of protesters arrested on charges including disorderly conduct. But a funny thing happened (not really). Richardson was cleared of all criminal charges at trial. And his arrest—which led to facial injuries severe enough that Richardson had to be treated at OHSU—is now costing the city $35,000 in a settlement approved this afternoon by the Portland City Council.

A report filed by the city's risk management office describes the arrest and what happened. It doesn't make Richardson out like a saint—the city rarely apologizes or admits wrongdoing in a police settlement—but it does acknowledge the likelihood that a jury award might have cost it even more. It also notes that the arrest just so happened to be captured by a TV news camera operator.

The city report doesn't identify the officers involved or hint at whether any internal affairs investigation or even discipline might have been imposed.

Dan Handelman of Portland Copwatch warned against "pernicious political profiling" of people dressed in black, like anarchists, and asked the city council why the report didn't ID the cops involved (after making the wry comment that Richardson was "brutalized by the police at an anti-police-brutality march).

"Our tax money is being paid out in these incidents," he said. "Sadly there's no way to tell if the officer involved was disciplined."

Of note? For the first time that I can remember, likely owing to the arrival of Mayor Charlie Hales, an item of this type was placed from the start on the council's regular agenda. Typically police use-of-force settlements are placed on the council's consent agenda. Unless someone like Handelman flags them, consent items aren't highlighted and are passed unanimously and with no discussion.

"I think all of the council is happy with these items not being buried," Dana Haynes, Hales' spokesman, emailed when I inquired. "I don’t know who initiated it, so I don’t think we should take credit for it. I know the mayor has said he prefers stuff like this being out there in the light of day."

Only one city commissioner gave substantial remarks during the vote to accept the settlement. Commissioner Nick Fish tried to focus on the fact that Richardson had sought more than $500,000 in the lawsuit he filed before agreeing to the much smaller settlement figure.

"It gives us no pleasure to pass on these pay claims," Fish said. "I look forward to the day when we don't have claims of this nature that we pay out.... Is this a prudent settlement in light of our risk? It seems to me it is on its face."

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It's Happening Tonight!

Alison Hallett — Wed, 22 May 2013 15:44:23 -0700

COMIC BOOKS—Two of the best artists working today, Brazilian twin brothers Gabriel Bá and Fábio Moon have created some extraordinary comics, from Daytripper to De:Tales, and they've also brought vibrant life to Casanova (written by Matt Fraction) and The Umbrella Academy (written by Gerard Way). Tonight, they're in town for a rare signing—and there'll be free beer and appetizers. EH
Things from Another World, 2916 NE Broadway, 7 pm, FREE

MUSIC—Given the common ground they share, it should come as no surprise that Red Fang and Gaytheist find themselves on the same bill. Both put out pummeling, intelligent music that'll make you lose your shit, play destructively sweaty live shows, and enjoy the status of beloved local heroes for their troubles. Mullets encouraged. AR
White Owl Social Club, 1305 SE 8th, 9 pm, $15

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This Week's Mercury Music Section

Ned Lannamann — Wed, 22 May 2013 15:14:55 -0700

Another week, another jam-packed Mercury music section that will outright ruin your teeth. No vote required.

Portland's Blue Cranes (pictured above) is more than a post-jazz ensemble. It's a collection of songwriters. It's an assemblage of like-minded improvisers. It's an outfit that embraces more styles and genres that perhaps any other band in town. And it's also a support group. (P.S. Hey, we're giving away a pair of tickets to see them Friday at Mississippi Studios—right here!)

LISTEN: Blue Cranes - "Everything Is Going to Be Okay"

Tame Impala's dimension-spanning space rock comes from the most isolated city on the planet—Perth, Australia.

LISTEN: Tame Impala - "Feels Like We Only Go Backwards"

Blood Ceremony are a welcome throwback to the simpler days of rock—the days when it was possible to be as influenced by Fairport Convention as Black Sabbath, when the pagan lyrical imagery was just for show, when you could still get away with using a flute, fer chrissakes.

LISTEN: Blood Ceremony - "Goodbye Gemini"

Chvrches are synthpop done right, correct spelling be danmed.

LISTEN: Chvrches - "Recover"

Youth Lagoon is like a musical asylum of the mind. And you thought Wondrous Bughouse was all about insects.

LISTEN: Youth Lagoon - "Dropla"

Plus a few more Up & Coming previews than usual.

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 22 May 2013 14:59:36 -0700

We don't get many "thanks!" submissions on the I, Anonymous Blog—but here's one, and it's especially worthy:

To the three people who yelled "Hey, Catch!" and threw an unopened penis pump our way...my buddy and I thought it was hilarious. We were next to Sheridans so you may have come from Taboo (?) Either way it was truly a nice gesture, dear fellows. The following night, when my girlfriend came over I told her the story. She asked if I kept it and where it was. It was under the bed and we tried it out. She used it on me. I don't quite know what the fuck those things are supposed to be used for but we had the best sex we'd had in a long time. So thanks guys and gal! Keep throwing random shit at people!

YOU'RE WELCOME! (You're absolutely certain it was "unopened," right?) Do you have a rant, confession or penis pump you'd like to share with the world? Send it to the I, Anonymous Blog—where we just wanna PUMP (clap) YOU UP!

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Jose Canseco Probably Shouldn't Be Allowed on Twitter

Paul Constant — Wed, 22 May 2013 14:14:42 -0700

Jose Canseco, who has been accused by both of his ex-wives of domestic violence in the past, was approached by police officers in Las Vegas as part of a rape investigation, according to Canseco's Twitter feed. How did Canseco respond? By tweeting the name of the woman Canseco says has accused him of rape, along with what he claimed to be a photo of her and her phone number. The tweets—there were two clusters of them—have since been deleted, but BuzzFeed has screen captures of them (with the name and personal information redacted).

Now, people are calling for Canseco to be kicked off of Twitter for posting the personal information of a woman whom he believes has accused him of rape. I used to follow Canseco on Twitter because he was kind of funny, but his propensity to angrily publish the personal information of whatever woman he's obsessing over—and he's done this on multiple occasions—was way too creepy for my tastes.

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Blogtown's Poster of the Week

Courtney Ferguson — Wed, 22 May 2013 13:44:34 -0700

With art by James Hance, this Princess Leia Tank Girl is one badass blaster-wielder. Thanks to Scott Starkiller for submitting it (and laying out the flyer). Be like Scott—submit next week's Poster of the Week here. Pew pew pew!

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Oregon Woman Raped by Ex (but at Least Her Property Taxes Are the Lowest in the State!)

Cienna Madrid — Wed, 22 May 2013 13:29:51 -0700

ThinkProgress.org grimly illustrates what happens when state and local municipalities lose revenue and have to slash vital services, like law enforcement, primarily at the expense of vulnerable populations, like women and children.

Last August, a woman in Josephine County called 911 and pleaded with dispatchers to send police—“my ex-boyfriend is trying to break into my house. I’m not letting him in but he’s like, tried to break down the door and he’s tried to break into one of the windows.” The woman had good reason to be afraid of this man, as she told the dispatcher on the other side of the phone, this same abusive ex had put her in the hospital just a few weeks before. But the dispatcher has no one to send. Because the local sheriff’s department recently lost millions in federal funds, it laid off 23 of its 29 deputies and limited their availability to eight hours on Mondays through Fridays. The woman’s call to 911 took place on a Saturday.

With no deputies available, the 911 dispatcher transferred the woman to the state police—but they would not come rescue the woman either. In the words of the state police dispatcher, “I don’t have anybody to send out there. You know, obviously, if he comes inside the residence and assaults you, can you ask him to go away? Do you know if he’s intoxicated or anything?”

The woman's ex-boyfriend later plead guilty to kidnapping, assault, and sex abuse.

Josephine County, the county where this woman lives, is overwhelmingly conservative; its voters have twice rejected property tax levies to fund more law enforcement (the most recent vote was held yesterday). ThinkProgress notes that after the first round of cuts, law enforcement sent out a press release encouraging victims of domestic violence to move, noting that they would no longer be safe in Josephine County. But what's one woman being raped by her ex-boyfriend if it saves homeowners a few bucks every year, right?

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Gloaters Gonna Gloat

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 22 May 2013 13:14:56 -0700

As mentioned in Good Morning, News!, today I am admittedly suffering from a case of SOUR GRAPES after last night's fluoridation defeat—but I swear I'm trying to be cool about it! Unfortunately today we're having to deal with readers who have a case of YUMMY GLOATING GRAPES. These are anti-fluoridation people for whom winning is not enough; not only do they have to be regarded as "right" (they're still not), they also want to exact the most vengeance per square inch by going into full "gloat mode." Here are a couple of examples, both received after the results were announced.

Subject: Fluoride IGNORANCE

Hey Portland Mercury,

Now that fluoride has been voted down, I thought I would take a moment to tell you how much I used to enjoy reading your paper. I have lived in Portland for three years, am an educated professional, and was a self-confessed junkie of both Ann Romano's and Dan Savage's columns. I will find Dan's column elsewhere and drop Ann's altogether after the outrageously biased MAINSTREAM pro-fluoride argument I have ever seen. Super blech!!!!

Signed a former love,

Patricia

Subject: Too bad so sad

Denis T:

I've been impressed by your burgeoning journalism skills since we met at the OccuPie Portland event and I actually looked for your articles in a newspaper I have little affection for. Sorry you all decided to ride with the assclowns from the pro-fluoride lobby. There's nothing stopping you from here on out to write about real methods to improve the dental health care of Portland kids if you indeed really care which I doubt. I won't be reading about it anyway even if you do. There's a reason we refer to your paper as the sMirkury.

Better luck next lifetime,

Christine

Nice people! (P.S. Gloating is a sign of insecurity, sooooooo....)

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The Portland Fashion & Style Awards 2.0

Marjorie Skinner — Wed, 22 May 2013 12:44:00 -0700

The past year in the local fashion event industry has been playing out like a game of musical chairs, and not to be left out, the Portland Fashion & Style Awards—which I criticized at length for being awesomely out of touch when it debuted last year—has also fallen into new hands. Steve and Anne Akre and producer Jaileene Eubanks have declared their commitment to "bringing in qualified fashion industry judges... and a qualified fashion industry advisory board team."

But the new web site still gives me major sads:

Click over to read more about this event's attempts to achieve relevance in 2013.

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If You Missed KBOO's Election Roundup (with Yours Truly as a Guest), Listen Here

Denis C. Theriault — Wed, 22 May 2013 12:29:48 -0700

It was pretty early, this post telling you to put on KBOO this morning and listen to host Joe Meyer talk with little old me about last night's ~~full measure of election results~~ thorough flogging of water fluoridation. So maybe you missed it. I get it. Wednesday mornings are tough.

But it's online now—and it makes for a nice, punchy back-and-forth. Just in time for your lunch hour!

Oh, and for the record, not a single fluoridation supporter called in. Like, zero. I figured maybe one of you 40 percenters might. But nope. You did not. We did hear a lot from people who think I'm corrupt/lazy/naive/stupid. And also from some people who pointed out that eating fluoridated toothpaste in great quantities is ill-advised.

(I confessed that as a kid I ate far more than a "pea-size" daub of the stuff on more than one occasion, because I liked Aqua Fresh, and never once had to call the poison hotline; maybe you'll say that's why I joined our endorsement of fluoridation.)

Anyway. Thanks! I had fun! And it wasn't nearly as awful as this commenter earlier today made it out to be.

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Tonight in Music

Courtney Ferguson — Wed, 22 May 2013 12:14:25 -0700

Doug Fir–Stornoway, Horse Thief, 9 pm, $10-12
Dig a Pony–Pussy Control: Nathan Detroit, Black Dog, 9 pm
Habesha–Stepkid, Mood Ring, Vice Device, Basement Snake, 9 pm, free
Holocene–Reading Frenzy Party: Gulls, Apartment Fox, Jason Urick, Shy Girls DJs, DJ vs. Nature, 8 pm, $5
Mississippi Studios–Akron/Family, Avi Buffalo, M. Geddes Gengras, 9 pm, $12
Star Bar–Suicide Notes, The Polaroids, Sex Crime, 8 pm, free
Star Theater–Lady Rizo, 9 pm, $15
Valentine's–Mufasa, Later Dudes, Grapefruit, 9 pm
White Eagle–Freedy Johnston, Blue-Eyed Son, Ezra Holbrook, 8:30 pm, $12
White Owl Social Club–Red Fang, Gaytheist, 9 pm, $15
Wonder Ballroom–Youth Lagoon, Swahili, 8:30 pm, $13-15, all ages

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Old Town's "Entertainment District" Comes Before City Council Today!

Dirk VanderHart — Wed, 22 May 2013 11:59:24 -0700

Mayor Charlie Hales' plan to extend—over substantial neighborhood concern—Old Town's five-month-old "entertainment district" will come before council this afternoon, in what could prove a lengthy, testy hearing.

City commissioners will take their first crack at an ordinance [PDF] prepared at the direction of Hales earlier this month, authorizing cops and the city's Bureau of Transportation to extend the district through October.

The zone—a collection of streets in Old Town's nightclub district closed off on Friday and Saturday nights—has proven controversial since its inception in December. Some bar and restaurant owners in the area, initially supportive, now say the district is hampering business. And there are concerns the street closures to-date have made the area look like a ghostly police state—a far cry from the "street festival" atmosphere Hales' says he'd like to create.

Police, meanwhile, love the street closures, and contend crime is down since they began.

"The Old Town Neighborhood generates a high volume of calls for police service within the area between W Burnside and NW Everett on certain days and during certain hours, as well as the surrounding areas of this zone," Hales' ordinance reads. "Prior to the pilot street closure, police response to many of these calls was delayed by conflicts with vehicles."

Hales announced a couple weeks ago his intent to push an ordinance at a "town hall"-style meeting of business and neighborhood interests.

That meeting, the mayor said, was an opportunity for him to address concerns. But Hales' proposal for the district—he wants more food options and outdoor seating—did not appear to budge in the face of criticisms from neighbors and businesses.

That those criticisms dominated that discussion is not reflected in the ordinance, which reads: "The general consensus of feedback from the neighbors, community associations, businesses, and bar owners indicated that the majority of stakeholders are in favor of continuing the experiment with new ideas to improve the quality of life in the Oldtown/Chinatown Neighborhood, both in and around the entertainment district."

If the district extension is approved—and at least one commissioner has indicated to the Mercury a plan to go along with Hales' proposal—the notion of cost might be a flashpoint. The mayor has floated the idea of creating an assessment district, where Old Town neighbors would be taxed to help pay for upkeep. There's no indication, however, neighbors are amenable to that notion.

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Memo Sheds Light on Touchy Budget Talks Between Fire Union, Mayor's Office

Denis C. Theriault — Wed, 22 May 2013 11:29:59 -0700

Peace has largely reigned over Portland's budget process this year. Despite filling a $21.5 million budget gap, Mayor Charlie Hales has tried to deliver what good news he could to safety net advocates and parks boosters and others, even as he's proposed big cuts to the police and fire bureaus.

And there has been curiously little public pushback against those public safety cuts. Neither residents nor groups like the Portland Business Alliance have lined up to decry the pending loss of 50-plus sworn police positions and ~~26 firefighters.~~ 38 fire bureau workers, including 26 from the bureau's battalions.

Behind the scenes, that's not quite the case—especially when it comes to the fire bureau. A memo (pdf) obtained by the Mercury—essentially a script for Hales to follow during a meeting Tuesday morning with the Portland Fire Fighters Association—reveals intense deliberations in private over the best way to meet Hales' goal of saving money without maybe having to lay off so many firefighters.

The memo also expands on simmering discontent with managing another of Hales' main goals: swapping in two-person rapid response vehicles, designed to handle medical calls, in place of four-person fire engines and ladder trucks. PFFA President Alan Ferschweiler wrote a stinging op-ed in the Oregonian on Monday criticizing the mayor's initial attempt at the change. Later that day, Fire Chief Erin Janssens leaked to the O a plan that would ameliorate some of the fire union's concerns, something that came up in the meeting.

I've left a message for Ferschweiler, and I'll update with his comments when they come.

Labor negotiations also appear to be on the table. Though the firefighters agreed on a new contract last year, Hales' office has suggested the union could avoid some layoffs by reopening the deal and agreeing to forgo some cost-of-living increases. The memo claims Ferschweiler personally supports the idea but doesn't think his members will go along.

"We should respond that the COLA is a one-time thing to get us to a new normal, and it is up to them," Hales' talking points say. "You are dead serious about the RRVs and overall savings. They can either choose jobs or trucks."

Members, according to the memo, want the city to apply for grant money that would help mitigate layoffs in the short term while waiting for better economic times. But Hales' office tells me there's still "a gap," because that grant money would only be a "band-aid"—although, "who doesn't like free money?"—and wouldn't help the city get even over the course of it's five-year budget.

"We've been flexible," says Noah Siegel, a policy adviser for Hales. "The goal is hitting the savings number and introducing innovations."

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City Baby at Cinema 21 Thursday

Alison Hallett — Wed, 22 May 2013 11:29:00 -0700

I really liked the new Portland-set movie City Baby, which premieres for one screening at Cinema 21 tomorrow night. Here's a trailer that makes it look way worse than it is:

A lot of people will probably hate this film—they won't be able to look past the fact that it's about "hipsters," or they'll miss the part where you're not supposed to like the main character—but I thought it functioned as a great critique of Portland's PYTs, and I reaaaally want people to see it so we can talk about the ending, which I found brilliantly bitter but could also probably be interpreted as "happy." Sure, City Baby is yet another movie in which 20-something white people figure out how to be adults (see also: Noah Baumbach's fantastic new Frances Ha, which opens at Cinema 21 on Friday), but it's also smart and well-produced, the performances are solid, some of my favorite Portland bands are on the soundtrack (Lovers!), and it makes fun of smarmy dudes who work in advertising, which I am totally on board with. (Bonus for anyone familiar with Portland's sketch and improv comedy scenes: Appearances by Andrew Harris, Shelley McClendon, and John Breen, all veterans of 3rd Floor, the Liberators, Road House: The Play, etc. McClendon and Breen play actors in a terrible local play, which the theater critic in me enjoyed so very much.) If you need even more of my thoughts on the film, a full review is here.

Buy tickets here; come back and tell me what you thought.

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The Old Gold Lets Double Mountain Brewery Have Its Way with Their Tap Handles

Ned Lannamann — Wed, 22 May 2013 11:14:34 -0700

Conflict-of-Interest Pony requires us to point out the connection between North Portland watering hole the Old Gold and the Portland Mercury—the bar was built on the burial ground of all our former music editors, or so the legend goes—but Beer-Drinkin' Burro also insists that we tell you about the awesome thing they've got planned for tomorrow with Double Mountain Brewery.

When the Old Gold first opened its doors back way back in 2011, the first drink they sold was Double Mountain's Vaporizer. It's been a staple of their taps ever since. And tomorrow, May 23, starting at 4 pm, the Old Gold is letting the Hood River brewery take over several of their taps, which means four Double Mountain beers will be pouring at all times. I'm told they'll have some super rare beers that you won't be able to get anywhere else in Portland, plus food specials, as well as OG's customized whiskey pairings. If you're looking for a beer tomorrow, you know where to go.

The Old Gold, 2105 N Killingsworth, Thurs May 23, 4 pm-close

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Things I Will Never, Ever Get Sick of: Behind-the-Scenes Photos of the new Ninja Turtles Movie

Erik Henriksen — Wed, 22 May 2013 10:59:00 -0700

Because unlike previous attempts to bring the turtles to life, the new movie—produced by Michael Bay, directed by Battle Los Angeles and Wrath of the Titans mastermind Jonathan Liebesman—is using motion capture. And Megan Fox! Which leads to images like the picture above, which is so perfect exactly as it is that I don't even want them to slap some crappy CG ninja turtle on top of it. Just leave it like this. This is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie I want to see. This.

More fantastic pictures of Megan Fox looking confused while talking to dudes in plaid unitards and backpacks and googly eyes at Superhero Hype. Via io9. I'm pretty sure that's Raphael? The grumpy turtle! Look at his gloves! Man. This is the best.

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Are You Geekier Than a Four-Year-Old?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 22 May 2013 10:44:34 -0700

CHALLENGE! Do you know more about Marvel super heroes than four-year-old Mia strapped in her car seat? Let's find out when we play (cue music)... DO YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT MARVEL SUPER HEROES THAN FOUR-YEAR-OLD MIA STRAPPED IN HER CAR SEAT? (audience applause)

Good luck contestants, and let's begin!

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SL Letter of the Day: Have You Ever Heard of...?

Dan Savage — Wed, 22 May 2013 10:29:00 -0700

Originally published July 26, 2007:

I'm a 31-year-old attractive single woman, and I recently went on Match.com and found a guy. Our e-mails and one phone conversation went well and he seemed kind and was okay-looking in his picture, so I met him for drinks. It was disappointing, to say the least. He looked 15 years older than his picture and was socially awkward to the point of sheer misery. He told me he didn't want to eat cheese because he "had the craps," announced to the waitress that this was our first date, yawned when I talked about my job, and said, "I could tell you were really into me the minute you walked in the room."

Standard bad date so far, right?

Here's the bizarre part: On the phone he'd said, "The most beautiful sound in the world is applause. I hope I can hear you clap for me sometime." He is a music teacher, so I thought he was referring to applause after a performance. But when we met in person, he asked me to clap for him, for no reason, in the restaurant! I asked him why, and he said he just really loved the sound of clapping. I ignored his request, finished my drink, and said it was nice to meet him but I didn't think this was going to work. I shook his hand good-bye in the parking lot and at this point he asked again for me to clap—but now in a whiny voice, literally begging me to do it. The worst part? I did it, just to shut him up, before speeding away in my car. I'm simultaneously creeped out and intrigued.

Have you ever heard of a clapping fetish?

Clap Off The Clapper

My response after the jump...

I get letters every day from people asking if I've "ever heard of" a particular sex act, fetish, kink, or hang-up before. The assumption, I guess, is that the thoroughly skanky author of this thoroughly skanky column has heard of everything. And that's fine; I've heard of and, er, done quite a lot. But the folks who send these EHO letters aren't seeking confirmation that they're not crazy—or in COTC's case, that this really happened—but some form of absolution, as if my having heard of whatever it is they're doing, were asked to do, or refused to do, makes it—whatever it is—a little less bizarre.

But almost invariably I haven't heard of the sex act, fetish, kink, or hang-up the authors of EHO letters ask about. Like this clapping fetishist COTC encountered—I've never heard of that one before. I don't doubt COTC's story for a moment because, hey, if it can be named, performed, swallowed, or worn, someone out there has a fetish for it. So while I can't offer COTC absolution for the sex act she performed—yes, it was a sex act—in that parking lot, I can offer her the next best thing: bragging rights. Not only did you stump me, COTC, but this is a bad-first-date story you'll be dining out on for the rest of your life. Congrats!

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This Week in Sex

Rose Finn — Wed, 22 May 2013 10:14:56 -0700

French president Francois Hollande legalized gay marriage on Saturday, after years of French polls being in favor of gay marriage. Though there have still been oppositional protests, Hollande maintains that he “wouldn't accept any disruption of France's first gay marriages.” Said Disney princess Belle, "Finally—we can stop pretending 'The Beast' is a dude."

Kaitlyn Hunt, An 18-year-old high school student in Florida, was recently charged two felony counts of “lewd and lascivious battery on a child 12 to 16” for dating her 15-year-old high school girlfriend for several months. According to Huff Post, in addition to the girlfriend’s parents getting Hunt arrested in her own home, “the 15-year-old's parents successfully petitioned the school board to have Hunt removed from school weeks prior to graduation.” Both girls had started dating before Hunt turned 18, and both sets of parents knew about it months before Hunt was arrested. Said the 15-year-old, "I am so moving to France."

Meanwhile, in a custody hearing between Carolyn Compton and her ex-husband in Texas, Judge John R. Roach declared under a "morality clause" that Compton and her lesbian partner can no longer live together. The morality clause states that it's illegal for Compton to have anyone over that she's "not related to by blood or marriage" in the house with her two children after 9pm, even though they have been raising them for nearly three years, and the children are clearly happy and healthy. Though the two would like to marry, because gay marriage is still illegal in Texas, Compton's partner must move out of the house. In related news, Texas is now changing their license plates to say "The Lone Gay Parent State."

In boring, usual news: “Tea Partiers” (not to be confused with “Spring Breakers”) accuse Obama of being a closeted gay, and being a frequenter of the Chicago gay bathhouse scene. Said one tea party member, gossip columnist, and someone who may be closeted himself for all we know, Jerome Corsi, "Obama used to go to the gay bars during the week, most often on Wednesday, and they said he was very much into older white guys.” Said most members of the Supreme Court, "Um, really?"

In non-depressing news (I know, what?) cool New York city hairdresser Michael Angelo has paired up with the Somaly Mam foundation, a foundation seeking to eradicate sex trafficking, to start a beauty school for ex-sex trade victims in Cambodia. Teaching victims provides them with a marketable skill, and the tools to become self-sustaining; unlike the hairdressers on Jerseylicious.

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Union Way

Marjorie Skinner — Wed, 22 May 2013 09:59:00 -0700

I was a little bummed when Red Cap—the queer bar across the street from the Ace/Clyde Common—went out of business, and I didn't blink an eye when Aura slipped permanently into my well of unconsciousness. Now that both are gone, it's been officially revealed (-ish) what will be taking its place: Union Way is set to be a compound of shopping, eating and drinking that will either certify the West End of downtown's crushing dominance or be the breaking point at which it becomes clear that this city can't support our own grand ambition. Either way, this description is pretty exciting:

Portland calls for a new kind of shopping experience. Its climate and culture lead us to an urban indoor/outdoor space for eating, drinking, and shopping. Union Way finds its origins in the streets and alleyways of Europe, Asia, and the Middle East, and serves as a counterpoint to the typical urban retail block or the suburban festival marketplace. The public promenade draws people through the building, which is bookended by Powell’s Books, a major retail destination and The Ace Hotel, an iconic contemporary hotel. Union Way houses a collection of carefully curated shops and restaurants providing an authentic and unique shopping experience while adding energy and momentum to the West End neighborhood. Since the Alley is a private walkway through the block, new types of ways to eat, drink and shop will emerge and end in an exciting symbiosis between merchants and their customers.

The photos published in the Daily Journal of Commerce help paint a picture of what the finalized space will look like and at least one of the restaurants involved, Micah Camden's Boxer Ramen, has been confirmed. As for retail, the unconfirmed rumor has it that Steven Alan is coming to town, but I'll believe it when I see it (or when they respond to my emails, which they so far have not). Another clue: Steven Alan is one of only 11 things that Union Way "likes" on Facebook. Yep. If that indicates what I think it does you might also want to keep an eye on Bridgeport vegan restaurant Morso and San Francisco clothing store Self Edge, since everything else on their "like" list already exists in the surrounding neighborhood.

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There Are No Atheists In Foxholes

Dan Savage — Wed, 22 May 2013 09:44:50 -0700

But there atheists in Moore, Oklahoma:

Says BoingBoing: "This is CNN."

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Good Morning, News!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 22 May 2013 09:31:26 -0700

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Girl, I'm feelin what you feelin'. No more hopin' and wishin'. I'm 'bout to take my key and stick it in the ignition. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

As predicted, in last night's election fluoride went down in poisonous flames. (Did you know that fluoride is so poisonous it can actually kill fire? A DOCTOR IN EUROPE TOLD ME THAT.) The latest tally was 60 percent anti to 40 percent pro. I'll try not to be too sour grapes-y about it... but can you guys keep on spamming our comments section with unsubstantiated anti-fluoride links? You know... just for old times sake? (Read our election night party updates here.)

And right on cue, Portland is being made fun of by out-of-towners for their anti-fluoride vote. Here's my fave line from the story:

How can you tell someone is from Portland?

The backyard chickens, the beard, the inability to pump gasoline. And perhaps we should add a lack of a full set of teeth.

Hey, they said it, I didn't! (Someone else also said this.)

A Florida man (not that Florida Man) was killed by feds and cops last night after he attacked them with a knife while being questioned about his potential role in the Boston bombing.

In a video, Anthony Weiner keeps his shirt on and announces his bid to run for mayor of NYC. Impossible? Hey, not with the anti-fluoride people behind him! (By the way, anti-fluorides—I expect to see your plans for providing dental health to underprivileged kids on my desk by tomorrow morning. Sorry, too sour grapes-y.)

To put things in proper perspective, here are some more terrible, terrifying stories from the aftermath of the Oklahoma monster tornado.

The IRS official in charge of the division which targeted conservative groups stands before a congressional committee aaaaaand... pleads the fifth. I should do that more often.

In China, an extract from the gall bladders of captive bears is said to have medicinal benefits. So can we put THAT in our water?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Chilly and wet for the next three days with a drying trend over the weekend!

And finally, let's face it. While you may find my sour grapes annoying... I think we can all agree that the Sour Grapes from the Banana Splits Show are the greatest thing EVARRRRR!

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If You're Awake (and You Should Be), Turn on KBOO

Denis C. Theriault — Wed, 22 May 2013 07:44:04 -0700

Good morning. So you're awake and looking at Blogtown at 7:45 in the morning. Good for you!

Now do me a GIANT FAVOR and put on KBOO (90.7 FM) or stream it here. Why? Because at 8 this morning, I'll be on with Joe Meyer for an hour talking about last night's election results.

Because weren't they a hoot? Keep smiling. Keep shining. Knowing you can always count one me...

Bye!

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