Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers meet the San Antonio Spurs in competitive five-on-five indoor basketball. Portland's 2-3 start isn't exactly the impressive beginning most fans were hoping for, but the Blazers have opened at a 2-3 clip eight of the past nine years, including last year's 54 win season. What's that? The Blazers also started 2-3 the year they won 21 games? Oh crap. We're all screwed.

One of my favorite kung fu flicks, 1978's 7 Grandmasters, screens Tuesday at 7:45 at the Hollywood Theatre (4122 NE Sandy). Dan Halsted from the Grindhouse Film Festival sums it up nicely:

A kung fu teacher sets out to prove that he is the greatest fighter by finding and defeating the 7 Grandmasters. One by one, he fights their wide variety of animal styles (tiger, leopard, mantis, monkey, etc.) He also puts a young student through elaborate training, and is followed by a mysterious kung fu villain in a weird hat. Featuring all the best old school sound effects, fighting styles, martial arts weapons, and silver haired villains with maniacal laughter (plus the best monkey-style kung fu fight ever put on film).

Want two free tickets? Sure you do. You know the drill: Email me no later than 2 pm on Monday, November 9, and make sure the subject line of your email is "Pai Mei." On Monday at 2, I'll pick a winner at random* and email them to let 'em know how to pick up their tickets. Have at!

*Flattery, as always, helps.

Morale is defined by Merriam-Webster as the mental and emotional condition (as of enthusiasm, confidence, or loyalty) of an individual or group with regard to the function or tasks at hand; a sense of common purpose with respect to a group; the level of individual psychological well-being based on such factors as a sense of purpose and confidence in the future.

Many believe that a positive morale is something the PPA membership has been lacking for a while. While we have made strides in some areas, morale is clearly down in many other areas.

In recent months and weeks, more and more PPA members have expressed concern about the continued decline of morale in the bureau. In years past, low morale could typically be attributed to a single event or individual, and how we are affected by the negative impact of that event or individual. This time, it seems different. When talking with the membership, the reasons given for why they believe morale is low isn't focused on any one thing or person, but rather, a totality of circumstances.

Negative publicity from recent, and not so recent, events has also taken its toll on morale. The fact that we are still dealing with the Chasse case three years later has clearly impacted how we feel about the job we do. The media has painted our members in a very negative light while the facts of the case show they were within policy.

For now, I think one of the biggest things missing from the Chasse case is the overwhelming lack of public support these officers have received. Sure, they've gotten private phone calls expressing concern and support from friends, family and members of the Bureau, but very little in the form of public support.

To give some perspective, let's look at the recent e-mail sent by Chief Sizer to the entire Police Bureau regarding an article written about Captain Mark Kruger. She said, "I'd like to clear the record internally, especially if you get asked questions by community members." She went on to say, "I would not have promoted Mark to Captain if I felt at any time the allegations were true. I supported him then and I support him now." Any time any member of the Portland Police Bureau is unfairly targeted by the media, this is the type of response we should get from the Chief. But one can't help but wonder, where was her public support for Officer Chris Humphreys, Officer Bret Burton and Sergeant Kyle Nice? Where is the email expressing her confidence in their ability to perform the jobs they have dedicated their lives to? They have been attacked and slandered in the media in not just one article, but countless dozens. Clearly, this has had a huge impact on morale from the rank and file.

• Family fistfights!
• Unsavory romantic interludes!
• Embarrassing announcements!
• Drunken debauchery!
• Gluttonous explosions!
• Near-death experiences!
• House fires and/or skin burns!
• Or… you know… whatever!

The most readable essays will be printed in the Mercury’s “Worst Thanksgiving EVER!” issue on Nov 26, with the best entry receiving $200! (Stick that in your gravy boat!)
Send your entries via email to me, with “Worst Thanksgiving Ever Essay Contest” in the subject line, and be sure to include your name and daytime phone number. ALL ENTRIES SHOULD BE 500 WORDS OR LESS, AND ARE DUE NO LATER THAN NOON, FRIDAY NOVEMBER 20!

So don’t delay! Send in your worst Thanksgiving memory today! YOU COULD GET PAID FOR ALL THAT PAIN.

Yes, that was the headline of the press release we received from Earl's office hyping his upcoming stand up comedy night.

Apparently Oregon's Congressional representative hosts an annual comedy night, sharing the stage with other local politicians. But this year's event this Monday November 9th at the Tiffany Center downtown will have an extra bitter tinge to it, what with all the death panel hysteria around Earl's end-of-life care policy.

If you're one of those two or three people with 100 extra dollars lying around, it might be worth throwing them toward a ticket for three reasons:

1. David Bragdon will be doing stand up comedy.
2. Lynn Peterson will be doing stand up comedy.
3. None of the "jokes" are vetted.

"It will either be really really funny or it will be disastrously unfunny," says Blumenauer's spokesman Willie Smith.

• Matt Davis
• This is supposed to be Earl with killer lasers coming out of his eyes.

Pour a can of gasoline on her, why don'tcha??

I’m a young woman in a committed relationship with my longtime boyfriend, a handsome and VERY well-endowed man. His penis is more than satisfying, but it’s never gotten me off. I only climax when he performs oral on me. I feel guilty because when we make love, I wait for him to finish (and some times even encourage him to cum faster) so he can go down on me and I can climax, too. I can’t cum first because after I do, I don’t like to be touched and then we can’t have intercourse. Any suggestions? I feel guilty for being impatient when he’s doing his thing.

Prefer Oral Over Penis

My answer after the jump...

The Mootrix
Fiddler on the Hoof
Sea Brisket
Cowraline
Die an Udder Day
Doctor Moo
Grazing Arizona
Termoonator, Termoonator 2
How Stella Got Her Hooves Back
Mooraker
Hooves Actually
Die Herd
The Cow Who Moo Too Much
The Prime Rib of Miss Jean Brodie
Moolan Rouge
Cowsablanca
My Left Hoof
Paul Newman is...Cud

Peep this article by Christopher Beam over on Slate about Michelle Bachmann's anti-reform freedom SuperBowl. While the real heart of the article is the fact that top-tier Republicans are stoking a fire they don't really control, there's plenty of other details to get your hands wringing. Like this paragraph:

Some of [the attendees] dressed for the occasion. Before the speeches started, a man in a death costume grabbed a bullhorn and introduced two protesters dressed up as Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. Each was bound in chains and their clothes were spattered in blood. Baby dolls hung upside down from their chains. Around each wrist they wore bracelets made of what looked like small plastic fetuses. "Whyyyy?" moaned the Pelosi character. "Why did I kill the babies?" Nearby, Nancy Murphy of Annapolis, Md., complained that they were making the rally look bad. "We want you to write about this," she said, indicating the rest of the protest. "Not about that." Indeed, many protesters were still livid over media coverage of the 9/12 protest, particularly the phrase teabagger. "Do you see anyone here with nutsacks on their face?" said one man to me.

Or this excerpt from actor, Jon Voight's, speech:

"President Obama has his own obsession with trying to ram this health bill through and create a socialist America," he said. "We as freedom-loving Americans must not be scared into Obama's radical Chicago tactics. His agenda is not for the poor. It's solely for his political gain. His lies and propaganda are all very blatant, shown to us by those who exposed ACORN, which is as corrupt as all the president's czars."

Nice little cluster of fear-mongering buzzwords there. Which legacy will Jon Voight's family have a harder time living down: his career as a conservative talking head or his co-starring role in David Zucker's An American Carol?

The Verboort Sausage and Sauerkraut Festival kicks off tomorrow morning at 9 AM, the highlight of which is a $15 all-you-can-eat sausage and sauerkraut dinner with all the fixings. From what I’ve heard, the festival has become a yearly tradition for families from across the region. People come from far and wide to line up for sausage sales as early as 3 AM on Saturday morning.

You may not be that committed to Verboortian sausage, but I understand the dinner is an event not to be missed. It's also robustly attended. So, while you’re waiting to get into the dining hall, the community has set up a few pleasant distractions including a beer garden at the Verboort Rod & Gun Club, Bingo, a quilt raffle, and a plant booth.

What more do you need?

Map your way to Visitation Catholic Church at 4285 NW Visitation Road.

At the Woods, the folks behind the documentary podcast series Destination DIY present an evening of music and skill sharing—the event promises "live demonstrations and interviews about how to make radio, how to make a terrarium and how to make bacon," as well as a silent auction that'll include the terrarium built in the demo. Plus, music from Leviathian, and music/animations from billygoat , who created the animation above, and will be explaining their process tonight. That's tonight at 8 pm, $10-20.

Local "dark fiction" publisher Underland Press hosts a party at the Press Club for author Jeff VanderMeer, and his new novel Finch—in addition to VanderMeer, Underland rounds out a predictably weird roster with Jeff Johnson (author of Tattoo Machine, a great read about his time working in Portland tattoo parlor the Sea Tramp), sci-fi/fantasy author Jay Lake, and Fantasy Magazine co-editor Cat Rambo. Whew. That starts at 5:30 pm tonight—VanderMeer's also doing an ol' fashioned reading tomorrow at 4 pm at the Cedar Hills Powell's (which has mellowed out of its big-box newness into a really great store, FWIW).

Hand2Mouth officially debuts their current show Everyone Who Looks Like You tonight, after a typically long workshopping & revising period (it had a short run last spring). The Big O's got a brief preview right here—I'll have a review next week. Theater! Theatre, 8 pm tonight-Sun, $15.

Hot Little Hands opens Ill-Starred, a new dance performance that, if the production photos on their website can trusted, should be awfully pretty. That's at 7:30 tonght-Sat at the IFCC, $12-15. Tune in next week for a writeup of that as well.

More performance listings are here, readings info is here, and visual arts listings are right here.

Here’s the festival trailer, which on the one hand is not very informative, but on the other hand is an endearing short in itself. Respect the owl!

I wrote a little preview for this nine-day inundation of regional film, but I couldn’t squeeze in everything. Things got lost, but I share my over-word-count hit and miss picks after the jump. Or, skip my editorial and go straight for the information overload.

Brent Weinbach is Fucking Weird

His set begins with choppy non sequiturs. He is slight. His demeanor, deadpan and detached somewhat a la Stephen Wright in seeming content not to relate or even to appear comfortable. Sometimes, more like Zach Galifianakis, he deliberately forces awkwardness upon the audience. His stage character is almost wholly without affectation. And fucking weird.

But Brent Weinbach's slot at last year's Bridgetown Comedy Fest was gaining momentum. The San Francisco based comedian sensed it: this crowd was ready go with him just about anywhere. (It was, after-all, a tribute show to Andy Kaufman, and Weinbach, like Reggie Watts before him, is a recipient of the prestigious Kaufman Award).

From his dry, colorless delivery Weinbach launched suddenly into frenetic, screaming ghetto drawl (remembering his days as an Oakland-area substitute teacher where the kids made fun of his tight pants). From there he bounced to an extended bit as a frail sociopathic creep (deliberately creepier than his own on-stage persona) before splashing in bits of physical comedy, pre-recorded bits, 1980's Nintendo references and god knows what else. Traditional punch-lines were rarely relied upon nor necessary in Weinbach's stunning act. The palpable strangeness and surprise are alone to make one cringe, cry and howl. It was as if Weinbach began putting around in first gear only to jam the shifter immediately up to fifth, then continued lurching around without gradation—From third to reverse, to fourth then jamming on the breaks. It was a thrilling, if not dangerous show. And somehow it never stalled.

—

As Brent's comedy is so varied, here are a few clips to get a better feeling for it.

Stand Up:

"Weinbach In Wonderland" (Brent playing himself in grade school)

Dance Moves (with a Nintendo soundtrack!)

See also, "Cholotics"

Brent plays the Bagdad Theater tonight. Doors open at 7:30, show starts at 8:00pm. $10. There are a few openers.

Something tells me she's not talking about the mummy's curse.

Guys have a "curse" too, you know. We have to shave every day. Shutting up now. QUESTIONLAND!!

That's right! The country's former elected President is going to be rinsing it up with Bradbury here in Portland 13 days, hence! Here's a preview of the conversation:

BRADBURY: So, Al, buddy, tell me again, why am I so awesome?
THE ONE AND ONLY AL GORE^(TM): Because you've got a thirty inch penis, Bill, or at least, so I've heard. Also, you're a man who knows life. A man the people can trust. A man anyone could give their heart to, without worry about it being stomped on like a piece of cheap crockery.
BRADBURY: I don't stomp on anybody's heart like cheap crockery, Al. It's true. And I don't wear those ridiculous cowboy boots, like my rival. You're a big deal, right?
THE ONE AND ONLY AL GORE^(TM): Right. I'm a BIG DEAL. But not as big as you. You're a massive deal. Practically the only deal there is. There's no room in the deal house for more than your deal. If you were a deal wagon, you would break the tracks. If you were a deal truck, you would be so heavily laden with your bigness, that frankly, I don't think there's a highway you could drive down. You're that big of a deal.
BRADBURY: I am. I am. It's true. Now, about this global warming nonsense...

Etcetera. Gore's endorsement has got to sting a bit for Kitzhaber. Derek Humphrey with Kitzhaber's campaign team says "we don't comment on the events run by other campaigns," but that just sounds like sour grapes. Has Kitzhaber got plans to be endorsed by Bill Clinton or the ghost of Mother Theresa? "We're going to have lots of interesting events as the campaign moves forward," says Humphrey. Find out more at Notinteresting.com.

Meanwhile Blue Oregon's Les AuCoin speculates about reasons for the conspicuous endorsement this morning:

Gore’s move is the continuation of a decades long feud with Oregon ex-governor Kitzhaber, Bradbury’s leading primary opponent, dating back to Gore’s bitter battle against Kitz’ innovative Oregon Health Plan when Gore was a U.S. Senate.

John K. won that fight, but he never forgot his nemesis from Tennessee; when Gore ran as the presumptive favorite for president in 2000, Kitz backed Bill Bradley early and conspicuously. Twisting the knife, the Guv criticized the Clinton Administration — and implicitly Gore, the “green” VP — for inept handling of the NW salmon crisis. I'm not saying it was Kitz's sole rationale, but it was one.

After 20 years, the Bradbury candidacy gave Gore the opening to stick the knife back. Here, too, it may not be Gore's only rationale, but it is one.

• Chrissy Piper

In honor of Goat Friday—Cat Friday is dead. Long live Cat Friday!—we are giving away three pairs of tickets to see the Mountain Goats at the Wonder Ballroom on Wednesday, November 11th. Hoof on over to End Hits for your chance to win.

Wait… you can actually order this thing.

Thanks to hot tippers Not Me and Ida Know.

Webloyalty told CBS it's operating within the scope of the law, but I'm never using Fandango again. I don't need an explanation, I don't need an apology, I don't need to call their press person and have them how sorry they are, in fact, fuck it, Fandango, you've got a problem? You call me.

Suck it.

So, to recap: I just want you all to know that Fandango is working with a company that scams people out of their cash. Check your bank statements. See anything weird on there? Fandango can suck it. They've earned the opposite of customer loyalty from me. It would really help me if you would tell ten people to tell ten people about this, too. I want thousands of people walking around by the end of today saying how much Fandango sucks balls. In a bad way. Fandango sucks balls in a bad way!

Fandango can suck it.

Shooter Wanted Out: The Washington Post has a complicated portrait of the shooter, a Muslim army psychologist terrified of being redeployed.

"All American Muslims Taking The Blame." An interesting British editorial on the Ft. Hood massacre.

The Recession is Over! Uh... not quite. National unemployment is at its highest rate in 26 years.

Jobs? Fuzzy Animals? Oil? Environmentalists are split on the best angle to sell landmark climate change legislation in the Senate.

Healthcare Reform: ...so.... close... Feministing has a primer on how to get involved to support its passage.

Restart the CRC Process! Demands a coalition of five big-name groups who want a $4 million independent analysis of how to fix the I-5 corridor, looking also at "non-road solutions." Just for thought, here's a picture of all the roads in the world:

• via Socio Images

Grisly Homicide-Suicide in SE Portland: A terrible-sounding person is suspected of killing himself, his girlfriend and her 4-year-old son in house on SE 132nd.

Sorry today is full of awful news. To make up for that, here's a clip of John Stewart making fun of Glenn Beck during last night's Daily Show.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The 11/3 Project
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Crisis

• Augustine Kofie

Hey guys, aside from tonight's openings at Sequential Art and the Street Roots show at Albina Community Bank, there are a ton of visual art happenings this weekend. Here are some of them, broken up by day for your ease of use, and posted after the jump.

Now gather up whatever fur you're not using (tattered and battered is a-okay) and bring it down to any Buffalo location between those dates, and tell them it's a donation for the program. Voila. (If you want to claim a tax deduction, mail it to The Humane Society of the United States, attn: Coats for Cubs, 2100 L St, NW, Washington, DC, 20037).

Heads up, film geeks: Tomorrow and Saturday, the University of Oregon kicks off their "What is Film? Change & Continuity in the 21st Century" conference, held in the White Stag building (70 NW Couch). The conferences serves a dual purpose: First, discussing the current status of film (especially with regards to how digital media is changing the medium), and second, publicizing the U of O's brand-spankin'-new new Cinema Studies major.

Judging by the conference's program, there's gonna be a lot of focus on "the digital age," with seminars like "Independent Film and Other Media in the Digital Age," "Write Now!: Screenwriting in the Digital Age," "Changes in Film Distribution and Exhibition," and "Government/Film Industry Relationships in the Digital Age," the latter of which will feature representatives from the Governor’s Office for Film and Video and the Portland Mayor’s Office. Notable speakers at the conference include animator Will Vinton (of the now-defunct Will Vinton Studios), and writer and producer Bryce Zabel (who, quite frankly, has an astounding resumé: He's worked on M.A.N.T.I.S., Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, and Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman).

Anyway, the whole shebang is only $10 if you're a U of O student and $20 if not; if you're interested, more info is here.

• Tony Morgan

The other day I got a copy of Throwing Bones in the mail— it's a book of short stories written by Anthony Alvarado and illustrated by Tony Morgan of Gunbaby Graphics. I cracked it open, saw the above image, and began reading the accompanying story, "The Penis," which starts with the brief declarative, "Ryan was a hipster." The following tongue-in-cheek description of hipsters walks in the footsteps of Fitzgerald's flapper model. I was mildly humored, but when I read this,

"The night became a blur. He woke up the next day with no idea how he had gotten home ... His stomach was in turmoil and he headed straight for the bathroom, grabbing a copy of the Mercury from off the kitchen floor before unbuckling and sitting down, and that's when he noticed it. His penis was gone."

and the subsequent tale of Ryan's runaway penis, I was sold. Gotta say, anything involving genital-based magical realism, wiping your ass with the Mercury, and non sequitur flying-paratrooper-cyclists is... well... bound to catch my attention. Narcissistic acknowledgment of Merc references aside, Throwing Bones is a pretty interesting collaborative project— and it's best with a little back story, which Morgan gave me yesterday when we met up at a coffee shop in SE.