?!?!?: Blogtown, PDX, Portland Mercury

The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 24 May 2013 16:14:58 -0700

I get that people go right on a red, but it doesn’t mean I have to.

And trust me when I say that his reasoning has nothing to do with traffic etiquette or public safety. Do you have an absolutely terrible reason for not turning right on red, or in absence of that, a rant or confession? Please send it to the I, Anonymous Blog—where if you can't see our mirrors, we can't see you!

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 22 May 2013 14:59:36 -0700

We don't get many "thanks!" submissions on the I, Anonymous Blog—but here's one, and it's especially worthy:

To the three people who yelled "Hey, Catch!" and threw an unopened penis pump our way...my buddy and I thought it was hilarious. We were next to Sheridans so you may have come from Taboo (?) Either way it was truly a nice gesture, dear fellows. The following night, when my girlfriend came over I told her the story. She asked if I kept it and where it was. It was under the bed and we tried it out. She used it on me. I don't quite know what the fuck those things are supposed to be used for but we had the best sex we'd had in a long time. So thanks guys and gal! Keep throwing random shit at people!

YOU'RE WELCOME! (You're absolutely certain it was "unopened," right?) Do you have a rant, confession or penis pump you'd like to share with the world? Send it to the I, Anonymous Blog—where we just wanna PUMP (clap) YOU UP!

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 20 May 2013 14:59:09 -0700

Should we abandon cars to save the world's cats? This (rightfully) very sad I, Anonymous thinks so:

Hopefully now you'll decide to stop driving a car and get a bike for so many reasons including the amazing benefit of likely not killing anymore cats. That sweet and brilliant little fuzzball changed how I feel about animals as pets, and showed me the immense love and kindness that my girlfriend had for the world and its inhabitants. It especially sucks that we have to ride past the place where she became kitten soup every time we leave our home. I hope that you're not as devastated as we are, because that would be awful. But I do hope that in some small way this motivates a change in your life because it really doesn't make sense for so many people to drive these huge vehicles around everywhere when most of the time they're just going to a mini mart, or post office or something. Get a bike and break free.

Our condolences to the owner, and rest in peace, cat. Do you have a suggestion for the world or confession to make? Send it to the I, Anonymous Blog—which admittedly never watches where it's going.

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 17 May 2013 14:59:27 -0700

Dear Scrabble players of Portland...

What part of "We'll be closing in 10 minutes" made you think starting a Scrabble game was a good idea? There is an alarming trend in Portland with people thinking it's okay to sit in a restaurant 30 minutes after close. Who does that?

Apparently thoughtless Scrabble players do! Do you have a word of advice for Scrabble players—or any other similarly thoughtless person? Send it to the I, Anonymous Blog—where Scrabble players put the "a" in "a-hole."

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 15 May 2013 14:59:52 -0700

And now, an I, Anonymous Blog public service announcement to Nike executives:

Guess what? You're all a bunch of dicks. You've got money to spend? great! So do the rest of the people in those establishments- people who haven't made it off of the backs of sweat-shop workers, people trying to go out, have a good night, a decent meal, a good conversation.. BUT NO. No one has a good time when you bombard establishments with your shitty groups of raging dick wads so full of entitlement that you feel compelled to alienate customers and staff alike with your big fat egos. And when you don't get everything exactly how you want it, regardless of an establishment's policy, you feel the need to wave your Nike flag around like you're king shit of fuck mountain.

What's that? Oh, yes—this person has a lot more to say on top of that. Do you have a PSA you'd like to get off your chest? Submit it to the I, Anonymous Blog—where "the more you know." Ya know?

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 13 May 2013 15:59:44 -0700

Soooooo... what would YOU do?

As I was being verbally threatened by a 6'4" crazy street guy on SW 10th and Washington last night, you just stood there RIGHT NEXT TO ME, waiting for the light to change. So, I pull out my mace and tried to get the man to leave my personal space. When this only enraged him more, I looked you dead in your face and pleaded with you to HELP ME, because Psych 101 teaches that by making eye contact your chance of being helped increases greatly. Plus, I'm a cute chick! Not so, in this case. You walked away from me.

Read the rest of this ethical quandary here—and do you have a rant, confession, or ethical query you'd like to share with the world? Send it to the I, Anonymous Blog—which never walks away, but stands there and stares directly into your soul.

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 10 May 2013 14:59:30 -0700

WHAAAAAAAAT????

Standing in line at the Kenton st. Post office. A white guy in line says he's mailing a bomb. The black female clerk leaves the counter and a white clerk comes out and serves the bomber anyway.they were like old friends.

Mmmm... maybe he said he was sending something to his "mom"? Mother's day is this Sunday, guys! (Though I don't think she'd appreciate a bomb.) Got something other than a bomb to get off your chest? Sent your rants and confessions to the I, Anonymous Blog—where bombers go to the back of the line.

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 08 May 2013 14:59:11 -0700

There's such a thing as "restaurant manners." And I'm pretty sure this person broke those rules:

I have you two in the middle booth. A grandma and grandpa the booth to your right, and a very good looking single bar regular to your left. And even with all that, every time I walked up to check up on you, you were still talking about the STD he gave you. Your girlfriend who you were accompanied with, had such a mortified look on her face that every time I passed your table, I could tell that she’d rather be in a white dress, in a crowded room starting her period.

And oh yes, IT GETS WORSE. (So I gave you a STD! Let it drop already!!) Do you have a ST... I mean, a rant or confession you'd like to infect on the general populace? Insert it into the I, Anonymous Blog—where you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit.

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 06 May 2013 14:59:33 -0700

We received a bunch of new I, Anonymous Blog submissions over the weekend... but this one still cracks me up.

No, that plate isn't clean either. And when you put a plate with grease on the bottom of it on top of another plate, then both dishes are now dirty. Now, I get to rewash two plates yay! Telling you this makes me a tyrant.

DO YOU FINALLY SEE WHY I LOVE THE I, ANONYMOUS BLOG SO MUCH? Soooooo much good information. Do you have any tips you'd like to share with our audience and then be labeled "a tyrant" for doing so? Drop off your rants and confessions to the I, Anonymous Blog—where stacking greasy plates on top of clean ones is encouraged!

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I Shouldn't Do This...

Dan Savage — Mon, 06 May 2013 14:52:00 -0700

...but sometimes I can't help myself. An ongoing email exchange:

Hope you get AIDS Fagget

It's "faggot."—Dan

LOL commie

LOL illiteratie.—Dan

Best illiterate than a cock sucker with AID. Hope you get AID fag.

Let me help you with that: "Better illiterate than a cocksucker [one word!] with AIDS. Hope you get AIDS, fag."—Dan

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Taiwanese Animated News Still the Best and Most Trusted News Source

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 06 May 2013 09:59:32 -0700

First Donald Trump calls Jon Stewart out for changing his name to something less Jewish. Next Jon Stewart responds by referring to Donald Trump by his real name, "Fuckface Von Clownstick." THEN the hilarious folks at NMA (the Taiwanese animation news people) make their most awesomest CG recreation of the fight EVARRRRRR! (Seriously, why do we get our news anywhere else?)

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 01 May 2013 14:59:38 -0700

Heyyyyyy.... Did someone put fluoride in the I, Anonymous Blog? Because this well-known poison is making some people act CRAZY! Here's an example from a post called, "Did You Actually GO to Journalism School?"

I THOUGHT that journalists were supposed to actually ASK questions of people in authority, as opposed to toe-ing the line for them. Fluoride is the ONLY substance categorized as a "protected pollutant". Betcha didn't look that one up, did ya merc "news" staff?

He's referring, of course, to this week's feature which he's really mad about, because he obviously went to "Tooth Science" school and knows everything there is to know, because he's a highly respected tooth scientist. Hey, do you have a rant or confession that isn't necessarily based on pseudoscience? Drop it off in the hallowed academic halls of the I, Anonymous Blog—where we put the "urinal" in "jourinalism"!

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 15:14:35 -0700

From a submission titled, "Girls Who Don't Rock":

I was at a metal show last night. There was a girl (who probably has no idea who Cliff Burton was), who was thrashing her head around. Every 3 or 4 minutes, she'd stop...and fix her fucking hair. I mean, she'd actually take out her barrette and fuck with her bangs and put the barrette back in. Pretty metal, right? Here's my advice to girls who need to fix their hair while headbanging: NOBODY FUCKING CARES WHAT YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE. TRY NOT GIVING A SHIT. YOU'LL HAVE SO MUCH MORE FUN.

Oh, you're not fooling me, Anonymous! YOU'RE IN "WUV" WITH HER! Admit it! Admit you're in wuv with her! Oooh-la-la! Why don't you give your one twue wuv a kissy-wissy, smoochy-woochy? To read this and other rants, confessions, and disguised admissions of "wuv," head on over to the I, Anonymous Blog—where first comes love, then comes marriage. Here comes Anonymous pushing a baby carriage! SMOOOOCHY-SMOOOOCHY-SMOOOOOOOCH!

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 15:14:09 -0700

Hey local butchers! GET IT TOGETHER. Seriously, you guys are getting worse than bicyclists in this town.

Dear "Butcher" at Upscale Organic Chain,

You're the most expensive store in town, generally about 10% higher than the immediate competition. And yet, when I ask for two-thirds (2/3, .67) of a pound of ground beef, you give me more than three quarters (3/4. .75) of a pound.

What the fuck? I tried to make it easier for you by not asking for "point six" pounds, which can confuse some people, but you still fuck it up. The most basic task at the meat counter, weighing ground beef.

WHAT THE FUCK, BUTCHERS?!? Find out what else this butcher fucked up here, and be sure to drop off your own rant and/or confession in the I, Anonymous Blog—where even we know the difference between two-thirds and three-quarters of a pound.

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Weezer Is Playing the Damn Mall

Ned Lannamann — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 15:59:41 -0700

Taking its cue from Apple, or possibly Hot Topic, Microsoft is opening retail stores across the country, and one is coming to lucky, lucky Portland. The Portland Microsoft store opens at Pioneer Place Mall (in the former space of the Macaroni Grill, RIP forever and ever) with a celebration on Thursday, June 20 and Friday, June 21, and—here's the thing, guys, here is why I am blogging this—Weezer is playing.

Weezer is playing?

I am confused as you. So confused that I can't think of a snarky joke about this. It's just kind of—gehhh. Wait, I got one coming... A band years past their prime plays a retail opening for a brand that's well past its... eh, sorry. Kind of fizzled out there. I don't know if I can summon anything else. It's all just kind of too icky. Still, and I think I am being honest here, I'd actually rather see Weezer play a fucking Microsoft store opening than trundle out to see them at some shitty, echoey arena. Right? So there's that.

Weezer at the Microsoft Store in Pioneer Place, Fri June 21, 7 pm. Full details here. Heads up: They are expecting the line to begin on Wednesday.

Geehhhhhh.

[UPDATE: According to the Microsoft Facebook "app" that seems to be the only place with show info, the Weezer show "will be held near Pioneer Place at Pioneer Courthouse Square." You need to get tickets by waiting in line at the store opening. First 200 people get meet-and-greet tickets. It all sounds very complicated (not sure how many tickets are available) so go there if you need the skinny. As to where the store is actually located, the app says "Pioneer Place, 330 SW Yamhill Street" which is the location of the Tiffany store. Regardless, it does say the store itself is considered part of Pioneer Place. My apologies if you feel the headline, as it reads now, is inaccurate, so I'll suggest that the "damn mall" is more a state of mind than a physical place.]

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 15:14:40 -0700

So this guy was talking to a cabbie looking for NW 23rd, and...

The cab driver's thick Russian accent was hard to understand. I had him repeat himself twice more before I realized he was saying, "Jew Lane." Seriously? In a bit of shock and not seeking a potential in-cab conflict I just said, "I don't know."
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time this kind of ignorance has flashed its nasty junk in my face.
Fuck him.
No, wait a second, Portland...
Fuck YOU.

Fuck me? Why fuck me?? I didn't call NW 23rd "Jew Lane"! (Although I might call it "Jewel Lane" since I hate Jewel.) Anyway, read the rest if you're interested in why this person is saying "fuck you" to you, and while you're there, drop off your own confession or rant in the I, Anonymous Blog! (AKA the Crown Jew of the Mercury Blogs! Wait... I meant "jewel.")

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 14:59:46 -0700

Your friend has cancer, and this is how you treat him/her? SHAME.

I know it's awkward not knowing what to say & all that, but having cancer can be enough of a bitch without all of my friends disappearing at once, leaving my bald & cancerous ass in bed alone while imagining all of the parties & shows & life that everyone is having without me.

What follows is a great list of suggestions for small things you can do for your cancer-ridden (or similarly incapacitated) friends. SO STOP BEING A JERK, OKAY? Or if you must be a jerk, send your rants and confessions to the I, Anonymous Blog—which (unlike your friends) is always there for you!

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Courtney Ferguson — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 14:59:10 -0700

Ooof, the people of Portland's chain restaurants aren't taking their happy pills lately, as evidenced by the I, Anonymous Blog. (Not to mention what some miserable sack of excrement said to the insanely funny Todd Glass. Behave yourselves out there.)

In "Thanks for the White Privilege Reminder Today":

Hey, bro-esque gentleman of the goatee-wearing variety at Panda Express today, I sure hope you read this. As I was wolfing down my marginally edible meal of glossy chicken-like blobs and flavorless rice-like grains, you decided to address me, a complete stranger minding his own business. You said to me "Your grandma called, she wants her perm back," and walked away laughing with all your also pale-skinned goatee and fleece wearing normy buddies.

Meanwhile at the Starbucks:

You were sitting in the window, sneering out at me, and I accidentally made eye contact.
But then when I looked up again, you very deliberately raised your middle finger at me, scowling horribly.

(From "Starbucks Guy Who Flipped Me Off")

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Courtney Ferguson — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 13:19:53 -0700

Check out what this mortified person wrote over on the Anonymous Blog in "Oh Shit...":

Thank your for going down on me, as always. Thank you even more for being a complete fucking gentleman and not pointing out that I totally had shit stuck to my asshole. I don't even know for sure if you noticed, but I have to assume it was pretty obvious from your vantage point.

I feel like someone should invent an app for this sort of problem, it could send you tush notifications... on your Dingleberry Z10! Go read the rest on the I, Anonymous Blog.

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Courtney Ferguson — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 14:44:17 -0700

Hey guys, I found a cool little thing over on the I, Anonymous blog. Apparently this person who wrote "The Word 'Little'" is tired of every little thing being described as "little" in a condescending, belittling way.

It's funny how the word little gets used [in] a frequent, but really fucking annoying way. Example: "Oh, is your little art gallery thing happening this weekend?"

Hahahaha, joke's on you, Anonymous! They were talking about my upcoming exhibit of Stuart Little slash art. Plenty more li'l anonymous things over on ye olde blogge.

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Courtney Ferguson — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 13:59:23 -0700

I don't know about you guys, but I'm still interested in staring at dudes who look like this:

Tall bike? Check. Standard issue obnoxious tall bike-riding outfit? Check. Blaring music? Check. Dildo strapped to your forehead? Check. Have we all seen it before? Of course.

The writer of "Yawn" on the I, Anonymous Blog goes on to say, "While I may not have any real suggestion on upping your game I plead with you to rise to the challenge in some way." Here's my suggestion to make that ho-hum dildo-unicorn ensemble better. Head on over to the I, Anonymous Blog if you too are overflowing with Portland ennui and/or helpful outfit advice.

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Wait... Do I Like Kid Rock Now?

Ned Lannamann — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 10:44:28 -0700

In a new interview with Rolling Stone that came out yesterday, Kid Rock talks about his upcoming summer tour, in which all seats are $20. (The tour has no Northwest dates scheduled currently). For someone who can draw like Kid Rock can—right or wrong, there is no accounting for taste—keeping every ticket at this price is almost unheard of. Kid Rock then goes on to say amazing, intelligent things, like this:

"I've been meeting with Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino for years, trying to figure out how to fix the concert industry," he says. "We're all so overpaid. It's ridiculous. People stopped going to concerts because they can't afford them."

And this:

"I said to them, 'Look, I'll go in as your partner. Don't guarantee me a dime; if nobody shows up, I'll lose money.' It costs us $125,000 to show up with our crew and whatnot," he explains. "I also said, 'But I want to share beer, parking, hot dogs. Let's put the money in a pot at the end of the night and figure out, based on the numbers, what I'll get paid.' Even if it sells out, I'll take a pay cut. Fortunately, I'm able to do that."

And this!

"Athletes and musicians make astronomical amounts of money. People get paid $100 million to throw a baseball! Shouldn't we all take less and pass some of that money onto others? Think about firefighters, teachers and policemen. We should celebrate people that are intellectually smart and trying to make this world a better place."

The Romney supporter then goes on to trash certain "dumbass" Republicans, mention that he supports abortion and gay rights, and more or less admit that his songs are so crappy that he'll instead be playing Bob Seger and CCR covers at his show.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Who is this guy and what has he done with Kid Rock? Am I... a... fan? What is happening?

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 14:59:50 -0700

Pro or con: Bringing pigs into restaurants? This person is apparently CON!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. You and your awful mess of cornrows brought a god damn pig into the Tin Shed. A PIG IS A BARNYARD ANIMAL!

Read the rest of his piggish rant here—and if you'd like to bring your own barnyard animal of a rant or confession into the I, Anonymous Blog? Go right ahead! We happily provide the slop.

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 15:14:34 -0700

Let's play the new I, Anonymous Blog game, "Spot the Mistake"! From the submission titled, "Dear 'Tex Mex' Restaurant":

Although you name yourself a "Tex Mex" restaurant, I think you are misleading people. It is upsetting that people come to your restaurant having never tasted Tex Mex, only to come out accepting your twisted version of what it is. Coming from Texas and having lived in Oregon for 6+ years, your restaurant is the direct consequence of what happens when an Oregonian decides to make "Tex Mex" having never been to Texas. What you are doing is the equivalent of wearing a Bob Marley shirt and claiming to be an expert on Africa.

If you guessed that Bob Marley is actually from Jamaica—you're only half right! The other half of the solution is that no one gives a shit about Texas or "Tex Mex" food. However! Your lack of general knowledge should not stop you from posting your rant or confession on the I, Anonymous Blog—where "knowing" is less than 1/10 of the battle.

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The I, Anonymous Blog Quote o' the Day!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 15:01:00 -0700

Spring is here! Which means a flower bed full of Spring-centric I, Anonymooses are blooming. Such as this one called, "You Destroyed My Fucking Tulips."

There was a gorgeous magenta tulip about to bloom and I was so excited that it might have opened yesterday....until I came home and found that you'd ripped the bloom off that tulip and all my flowers and thrown them in the middle of Interstate Avenue. You're a fucking asshole and I hope someone comes and takes a dump on your front porch, but in the meantime, I'm going to coat all of my flowers with cayenne pepper and Drain-o and just hope you rub your ugly, fat mouth with your sausage fingers after you fuck with my flowers again.

That gardener is not to be fucked with. Do you have a rant or confession that's ready to bloom? Plant it in the I, Anonymous Blog—where the weed of crime bears bitter fruit.

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