Horrors: Blogtown, PDX, Portland Mercury

Today In Too Awful to Think About

Paul Constant — Wed, 01 May 2013 09:44:54 -0700

This AP alert screamed across my Twitter feed yesterday and now I can't stop reading the story:

CLACKAMAS, Ore. (AP) — An Oregon cleaning worker was killed when he fell into a running blender at a meat-processing plant, the Clackamas County Sheriff's Office said.

I think I'm going to make a nice tempeh dish for dinner tonight.

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No, Train. Mermaids Are Still The Worst

Alex Falcone — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 09:59:04 -0700

Hate is such a strong word, so I try not to use it very often. Here's a complete list of things I hate: Cupcakes, mermaids, end of list. And mostly I'm just disappointed in cupcakes for being so much worse than real cakes. So really, the only thing I hate is mermaids.

This Train song (sent to me by an alert reader who knows my feeling on creepy fish-women) doesn't do anything to sell me on them. The video features Michael Bluth walking around the Pro Bowl while a young Hawaiian boy plays his mini-ax and a mermaid swims around in the shallows. There is nothing sexy about this!

Please stop with the mermaid nonsense. Not only is it gross, it doesn't make any sense. If you breed animals, they don't evenly divide their bodies between the two parent species. A liger isn't just a lion head on tiger haunches. Since they couldn't have been bred this way, they must be the product of some kind of unholy human-fish-centipede experiment. STOP ALLOWING THIS TO EXIST IN POP CULTURE!

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Michael Jackson Tribute Show: Some Things of Note

Ned Lannamann — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 13:14:46 -0700

The Michael Jackson HIStory Show is coming to Portland on June 7 at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall. Renowned Michael Jackson impersonator Kenny Wizz is the star of the show. Here is the promotional trailer (more info on the show on PCPA's site.)

SOME THINGS OF NOTE:
• Kenny Wizz is a decidedly unfortunate name. Perhaps he imagines the name will have people recalling MJ's role in The Wiz, but everyone will agree it sounds more like he's a porn star who specializes in "wet work."
• The music in this trailer is oddly terrifying for a Michael Jackson show. It's reminiscent of Battlestar Galactica meeting Carmina Burana.
• The press release states that "Michael Jackson HIStory Show brings to the stage a level of production that will exceed all expectations." They seem pretty confident, so let those expectations soar!
• Kenny Wizz looks like ghoulish, scary later-period Michael Jackson. Is this the MJ you want to pay money to see impersonated?
• There. Right there. At 2:40-2:43 in the promo video. What. The. Fuck? Is Wizz unaware of Jackson's questionable legacy in this regard?
• SERIOUSLY THIS MUSIC IS FREAKING ME OUT

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Today in GAAAHH!!! Skintight Star Wars Costumes!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 23 Apr 2013 09:59:12 -0700

It's never too early to start thinking of a Halloween costume—or a costume if you want people to believe you're the creepiest rapist ever. Check out this line of "Second Skin Star Wars Costumes" from Costume Craze. The upside is that they're only $63. The downside is seeing Boba Fett standing above your bed while you sleep.

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"A Pretty Shameful Day for Washington"

Denis C. Theriault — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 16:59:17 -0700

The US Senate today put down—in a bipartisan filibuster—a watered-down compromise on expanded background checks for gun purchases. President Barack Obama, responding to the news today, dropped his usual professorial act. In a blistering 13-minute speech, flanked by families touched by gun violence, he accused the gun lobby of "willfully" lying about the bill and nay-saying senators of bowing to cowardice amid fears that a "vocal minority of gun owners" would come after them during the next election.

He also smacked back at conservative outlets who didn't like that families who know the pain of death were lending their voices to the debate, suggesting the president was resorting to "emotional blackmail."

"Do they really think that thousands of families whose lives have been shattered by gun violence don't have the right to weigh in?"

It's powerful stuff. Watch it all. And Mr. President (because I know you read Blogtown)? More of this please.

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Walking Dead Visual Effects Reel; Or a Shit-Ton of Wicked Fun Decapitations!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 14:29:30 -0700

So I guess we're all in agreement that the best part of season three of The Walking Dead was the copious amount of decapitations and noggin-shooting. Here are the best such shots of the season—with a bit of how they made it happen—from CG masters Stargate Studios who made this awesome visual effects reel. VERY BLOODY AND COOL.

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Monday Hate-Reading

Alison Hallett — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 10:44:00 -0700

Hey, sad dudes, I found a blog post you'll like. It's about how fat Portland girls don't put out. I think. It is called "6 reasons why Portland sucks for single men."

“The city where young people go to retire” is not an exaggeration. Portland truly is a magnet for people who want to do nothing with their lives at all. If you can find one of the few girls who isn’t an antisocial weirdo, all she’ll do is repeat feminist cliches or lay down obnoxious sarcasm until your dick shrinks to the size of an olive. She’ll be happy to bloviate about her made-up sexual orientation—pansexual, demisexual, polyamorous or whatever—all day, but she’ll have absolutely no interest in what you have to say.

For example, whenever I brought up the fact that I hitchhiked here all the way from New York (which most normal people think is pretty interesting), the typical response from girls was a nonchalant “Yeah, that’s cool.”

Oh my god, I have DEFINITELY given dudes olive dick by failing to exhibit sufficient interest in their awesome travel stories. OH MY GOD! I'M DOING IT NOW!

This article was sent to me by Dave Bow, who wrote about Portland's pick-up artist scene for us a few years back. Desperation and entitlement are a nasty little stew.

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So Here's a Question: WHERE THE FUCK IS ALISON HALLETT'S REVIEW OF A TALKING CAT!?!

Erik Henriksen — Tue, 26 Mar 2013 10:44:00 -0700

HUH. So. It's been TWENTY-FIVE DAYS since you, the readers of Blogtown, voted by OVERWHELMING MAJORITY to make Alison Hallett watch and review the film A Talking Cat!?!

AND YET. Where is her review, you ask? GOOD QUESTION. Has she even seen the movie? BETTER QUESTION. Does her lack of action clearly reflect a strong sense of disdain and disgust directed at you, the loyal and dedicated readers who ensure that she still has a job? OF COURSE IT DOES.

SO JOIN ME, Blogtown readers, in DEMANDING that Alison Hallett uphold her obligations to watch and review the film A Talking Cat!?! Vote below and make your voice heard: You'll find options for how much leeway we should give Alison Hallett until her review is posted on Blogtown. Feeling generous? Give her more time to watch and review the film! Feeling angry to have been CRUELLY IGNORED for the past 25 days? Demand her review goes up sooner!

Whatever date wins will be Alison's deadline for posting the review. Should she miss her deadline, I will post her phone number and email on Blogtown so that you can personally voice your displeasure to her via a nonstop barrage of emails, telephone calls, and text messages. She'd love that.

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Donny & Marie & Steely Dan

David Schmader — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 14:44:45 -0700

This started making the rounds a couple days ago and rightly so, for it is tremendous. (Ice-skating kick line! Severely attenuated "comedy"!)

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Today in GAAAHH!! Fish with Rows of Human Teeth!!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 10:44:00 -0700

Remember when I showed you a picture of the sea lamprey? AND YOU TOTALLY FREAKED OUT?? And you tried to forget it—but couldn't? Well, sometimes the best way to forget a horrifying image is to replace it with another one... such as... THIS FISH WITH ROWS OF HUMAN TEETH GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

According to The Scientific American, this fish is called a "Sheepshead" and uses its many teeth to eat everything in the world—which I assume also means my face.

A fully-grown adult sheepshead will have well-defined incisors sitting at the front of the jaw, and molars set in three rows in the upper jaw and two rows in the lower jaw. It has strong, heavy grinders set in the rear of the jaw too, which are particularly important for crushing the shells of its prey. As with humans, this unique combination of teeth helps the sheepshead process a wide-ranging, omnivorous diet consisting of a variety of vertebrates, invertebrates and some plant material.

In addition... GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!
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Should the Portland Police Department Use This Guy's "Taser Sword"?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 10:59:54 -0800

Guys! This guy invented a "TASER SWORD"! It's a sword AND a taser rolled into one, because sometimes you just don't feel like chopping a guy's arm off. However, some people aren't all that afraid of tasers, so they need to know that you WILL chop their arm off if the tasering doesn't go as planned. WATCH.

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Check Out the Full Length Trailer for NBC's Hannibal

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 10:14:52 -0800

Here's the full length trailer for NBC's upcoming adaptation of Hannibal—based on characters from the book, Silence of the Lambs, and Red Dragon... AND IT LOOKS GOOD, GUYS! Casino Royale's Mads Mikkelsen plays Dr. Lechter, a still undiscovered serial killer that's considered the greatest psychiatrist in the country. He's hired by the FBI (headed up by Laurence Fishburne) to hand-hold young criminal profiler Will Graham (Hugh Dancy) who's awesome at solving crimes thanks to his empathetic powers, but barely holding on to his sanity. The pair work fantastically together and solve a bunch of crimes—except for one that Graham just can't figure out. HMMMMM... I wonder if our Dr. Lechter (the one with fava beans on his breath) would know anything about that?

Hannibal debuts on NBC, April 4, at 10 pm. And it also co-stars Gillian Anderson, Eddie Izzard, and Lance Henriksen? Wow! CHECK IT OUT!

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Make Alison Hallett Watch and Review A Talking Cat!?!

Erik Henriksen — Fri, 01 Mar 2013 09:44:46 -0800

Correct me if I'm wrong, but is it, or is it not Mercury Arts Editor Alison Hallett's job to BLOG INCESSANTLY ABOUT CATS? However, when I asked her to review the movie A Talking Cat!?!—which is about a talking cat, and may possibly be the worst movie in cinematic history—she flat out refused! Even better, the cat is voiced by ERIC ROBERTS in the most embarrassing, paycheck-grabbing role ever perpetrated by a struggling aging actor. Check out the trailer... NOW!

YESSSSSSSSSS... am I right? Anyway, even though Alison told me to, quote, "Shut up, shut up shut up shut up, why don't you ever shut up," she agreed to let Blogtown be the finally judge in this matter. SO C'MON, LET'S VOTE! (And remember, Alison! Blogtown polls are legally binding. I'd just love to sue your ass in court. "Shut up shut up shut up," indeed.)

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Today in GAAAHH!!! Invasion of the Sea Lamprey

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 14:29:10 -0800

Presenting... tonight's nightmare, today! Check out this "sea monster"—whose mouth looks a little too much like my former mother-in-law's—that was found in New Jersey waters, but was luckily murdered by a jarhead's bow and arrow (!).

As mentioned in this news report, this thing is possibly a "sea lamprey" which according to the following unintentionally funny PSA is dangerous enough to lead to the downfall of the Great Lakes. (Apparently lampreys are the modern day "red scare" Communists of the sea monster kingdom.)

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The Walking Dead Chitty-Chat Club!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 11 Feb 2013 10:30:14 -0800

Last night signaled the return of The Walking Dead—after a somewhat brief holiday vacay—and it... was... NOT EXACTLY AWESOME. But not terrible either. WHAT DID YOU THINK? Hit the jump for my spoilerific thoughts, and let's chitty-chat about that in the comments! Chitty-chitty-chat-chat!

Here's what I'm thinking about last night's episode, "The Suicide King":

1) Now is it just me, or did everyone that needed to escape, escape a little too easily? Especially after the so-called all out war that was waging before the Xmas break. Thanks to the buttinskis known as Rick's Rangers and their assault on the Woodbury liberal arts college, Merle and Darryl escaped before they could even put Merle's plan into action—which I assume was beating Darryl to death and feeding him to the zombies. Good plan, Merle! (For YOU.)

2) Anyway, Darryl decides to run off with Merle—out of some twisted sense of morality, and because HE AM DUMB. This makes Glenn cry like a goddamn baby, and throw the best temper tantrum ever recorded on The Walking Dead, wherein he curb stomps a zombie to death. God, Glenn! The zombie was just trying to ask for directions!

3) Back at the prison, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...

4) Back at Woodbury, Governor One-Eyed Morrissey gets second place in the cry-baby of the week competition, and refuses to talk to the rest of the liberal arts college students, who are stupidly trying to leave, because... well, if they're stupid enough to be liberal arts students they're stupid enough to be eaten by zombies. LET THEM LEAVE! Unfortunately, Blondie McGunnerson gives an absolutely UN-inspiring pep talk that somehow convinces the students to stay. This should be plenty of proof that a liberal arts education is a BAD IDEA.

5) Back at the prison, Doctor Farmy McDrunky nurses Michonne, and tries to get Rick to accept Tyrese and the new guys into the group. Here's a reason why Rick should give it the okay: YOU'VE KILLED OFF ALL THE OTHER BLACK PEOPLE, and... AHH! What's that?? Up on the balcony! AHHH! The ghost of Lori, and AHHH! She's dressed like a chorus member from a community theater production of Oedipus Rex and AHHH!! A g-g-g-g-ghost!!! (And Tyrese is all like, "Okaaaaay, weirdo honky... we'll just be leaving now.")

6) So not much happened! I felt this episode was pretty lackluster, other than Glenn's skull stomp. WHAT DID YOU THINK? Apply your comments below, and if you also want to talk about last night's episode of Girls—go ahead! I thought that was pretty fucking great!

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Which is More Terrifying?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 01 Feb 2013 10:14:50 -0800

Okay. Which is more terrifying:

Former American Idol judge Steven Tyler "auditioning" for the show in absolutely terrible and offensive drag:

OR, Katie Couric going out on a date with Larry King (when she was 30), wearing a leather miniskirt, and going back to his place afterwards?

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What I Learned from this Woman Who Eats Cat Hair

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 10:59:37 -0800

Here's what I learned from this video of a woman who eats cat hair (as featured in the TLC show, My Strange Addiction, returning Feb 13):

1) It's not Alison Hallett!

2) Cat hair tastes like cotton candy—almost.

3) Her sister Andromeda doesn't approve of her eating cat hair. And yet, her name is "Andromeda"! WHY SO JUDGE-Y, ANDROMEDA?? YOUR NAME IS ANDROMEDA!!!

4) Never mind #2—cat hair actually has more of a cotton ball taste. Even less of a taste than human hair, which we all know tastes like Salisbury Steak. OMG, I WOULD KILL FOR SOME SALISBURY STEAK RIGHT NOW!

5) The best way to eat cat hair is to lick it right off the cat. Well, of course it is, and... ALISON! Stop licking your cat!!!

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Nightclub Fires Don't Kill People, People Kill People

Goldy — Mon, 28 Jan 2013 09:59:00 -0800

At least 233 people have died in a fire that swept through a nightclub in Santa Maria, a university town in southern Brazil. Many of the victims succumbed to the toxic fumes, or were crushed to death in the crowd's panicked efforts to escape. The fire reportedly started when a band set off fireworks.

It's a horrible tragedy, and the focus for the moment should be on comforting the grieving. But...

The priority for the authorities is now to identify the dead with many distressed relatives arriving at the scene, but in the hours ahead the focus will turn to the cause of this accident and safety procedures at the club, the BBC's Gary Duffy reports from Sao Paulo.

The strict fire codes we have—capacity limits, emergency exits, sprinkler systems, bans on certain activities, etc.—came in the wake of similar tragedies. Because, you know, the gun nuts are kinda metaphorically right when they say that "guns don't kill people, people kill people." The same is true of nightclubs. So we regulate the people running these night clubs in an effort to avoid preventable tragedies like that which just happened in Brazil. If the authorities find the fire codes weren't up to best practices, one hopes they'll tighten them. If they find that the night club owners violated existing codes, they'll presumedly be prosecuted, and local authorities will hopefully redouble their efforts to enforce the regulations already in place.

Likewise, when we talk of gun control, we're not really talking about regulating guns, but rather, regulating the people who use guns. Our nation is suffering an epidemic of gun violence totally disproportionate to that being suffered anywhere in the world that isn't in the midst of a bloody civil war. Clearly, there are regulations that might lessen this ongoing American tragedy. Perhaps, for example, keeping guns out of the hands of felons and the mentally ill via mandatory background checks on all private gun sales.

So yeah, guns on their own don't kill people. But then, neither do nightclubs. Our goal as a nation should be to find the proper regulatory balance between the benefits of gun ownership, both individual and societal, and the cost. And given our annual gun carnage, it is currently reasonable to argue that this balance is tragically out of whack.

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Robot Apocalypse Update: Babies and Bands

Alex Falcone — Wed, 23 Jan 2013 09:59:42 -0800

The most terrifying thing about watching the robot uprising unfold is seeing these soulless machines take over realms that used to be uniquely human. Realms like playing in garage bands and making human babies. Yes, the University of California San Diego has made a gigantic android baby capable of smiling very slowly and, if you have the patience to watch the whole video, frowning really slowly. But WHY?!? Why would you make a human baby out of robot parts? Why would you make his hair of out a blue space helmet? And why would you let it smile as if it loves us when IT CAN NOT FEEL LOVE???

The robot band I am ultimately won over by. The robots want to play music to assert their creative dominance, but since no real drummer has four hands with which to rock or a tiny robot friend playing the hi hat with his face, they are at least offering us something new. The mohawk on the drummer is also pretty legit, so I'll give the robots a point for this one. You will destroy us, but you will also shred while doing it.

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This is the Thing I'm Always Afraid Of

Sarah Mirk — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 12:40:44 -0800

That I'll be walking down the sidewalk, with friends, just like any other night. Then, I'll hear a crash, turn around, and a car will be driving out of control toward me. The driver will be drunk out of his mind. He'll crash into us. Maybe I'll survive, maybe one of my best friends will be dead.

It's easy to forget that the only thing that makes cars useful tools and not deadly weapons is a fragile physics. My deep condolences to the family of Rebecca Bray. Let's hope the man who killed her is actually prosecuted.

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Zombie Apocalypse Hints: Go to this Ace Hardware!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 10:29:53 -0800

Maybe you're no longer worried about the possibility of a zombie apocalypse—but it could still happen! And if it does, you're gonna want to run straight to the Ace Hardware. And not just any Ace Hardware but the one featured in this 10 minute, award-winning documentary short that is currently a Sundance fave, "When the Zombies Come."

Actual, bored Ace Hardware employees dream up a incredibly intricate plan to ward off a zombie invasion and the results are pretty goddamn HILARIOUS. (Plus this mini-movie really pissed off the Ace Hardware executives who are trying to get the film eradicated from the universe. Good luck, jerks!) WATCH IT!

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The Invisible Man Visits the Drive-Through

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 14:14:54 -0800

Funny guy (and funny named) Rahat the Magician Prankster reveals his latest gotcha... disguising himself as a car seat and visiting drive-through windows at fast food joints. The reactions are golden, of course, but if you hang with it, you will pick up at least 10 new phrases you'll use on a regular basis! My fave: "Instagram that joint!"

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Today in GAAAHH!!! GIANT SQUID!!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 09 Jan 2013 10:59:58 -0800

This super rare footage of a giant squid was captured by Japanese documentarians who spent hundreds of hours trolling 630 meters beneath the Pacific Ocean—and it was totally freaking me out until the douchebag ABC News correspondent ruined the moment with his stupid "That ruins my dip in the Miami Beach waters" quip. YOU GODDAMN IDIOT, you just said the squid was 630 meters under the sea!! ATTACK, my minion from the deep! ATTAAAAACKK!!!

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Are You in the Psychopath Profession? Let's Find Out!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 13:59:42 -0800

In Kevin Dutton's book The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success, he presents the following side-by-side list of occupations that have the most psychopaths (CEOs) and the least (Care Aides).

Umm... nobody look at #6. And as a reminder, here's the definition of "psychopath."

Psychopathy is a personality disorder that has been variously described as characterized by shallow emotions (in particular reduced fear), stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking guilt, egocentricity, superficial character, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, impulsivity and antisocial behaviors such as parasitic lifestyle and criminality.

Yep, that sounds about right.

(via Eric Barker)

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Parenting Tip: Have a Demon to Put Your Kids to Bed

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 27 Dec 2012 10:44:48 -0800

Parents! Do you have a devil of a time putting your children to bed every night? Then take a tip from this Japanese TV show that employs a DEMON to make sure some noisy, energetic kids get the sleep they need. Or, perhaps never sleep again.

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