Bieber Fever: Blogtown, PDX, Portland Mercury

Dear Justin Bieber: Would You Like Some Salve for that Burn?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 19 Mar 2013 14:29:55 -0700

Selena Gomez (former Disney princess—who still looks kind of like a Barbie doll if you ask me—and star of Spring Breakers which is pretty goddamn AWESOME [read my review of that in tomorrow's Mercury]) went on David Letterman and delivered what I would call a third-degree burn on her ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber. Cue 17,000 Twitter death threats... now.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

I Think This is an Okay Outfit

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 28 Feb 2013 11:29:31 -0800

I've been known to write a post or two about Justin Bieber, so I was excited to see him taking some fashion risks during his recent trip to London.

I think this is an okay outfit, and here's why:

1) Two watches! One's probably on London time while the other one is on U.S. time. Smart.

2) Bedazzled oversized canary yellow baseball cap! Probably a sunny day in London—good for protecting one's scalp against harmful rays. Yellow is also a good color if you're bicycling, or crossing a busy street. I get that.

3) Purple leopard print Hammer pants that are unzipped and from the rear look like he's wearing 47 soaking wet adult diapers filled with urine and poopy. Those are great pants for... for... OH SWEET JESUS, I'M SO SORRY EVERYBODY! I'm so sorry for wasting two years of your life on Blogtown with my seemingly never-ending posts about Justin Bieber!! Yes, I sincerely thought he was a nice kid with some bouncy tunes at first, and even when he slowly turned into a jackass douche, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt... BUT THIS?? I... I just can't... I just can't even...

I'M SORRY.

UPDATE: I'm still sorry, and check out these hilarious tweets from Lost's co-creator Damon Lindelof about Justin Bieber's hat!

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

I Was On "Spicy News" This Week and It Pretty Much Sucked

Alex Falcone — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 10:14:09 -0800

It did not occur to me that eating a habanero or two and then trying to tell topical jokes into a camera would be so... the worst.

I didn't really think much about it. I have my own late-night talk show (Late Night Action w/ Alex Falcone - season two starts in January!), so I know I can deliver the shit out of a topical monologue. I like spicy foods. I like being on YouTube. Boom. Easy. Sure, guys, I'll be on The Spicy News.

Here's something I didn't know: when you eat a whole habanero pepper it has a slight delay, like pulling the pin out of a capsaicin grenade. I thought maybe I was just too much of a man for this silly little pepper to affect me. In that moment, surrounded by the camera equipment and a room full of comedians I really wanted to impress, I thought my overwhelming manhood was getting in the way of my ability to be funny. I was so afraid I'd do a bad job that I ate a second pepper. And then they both punched me in my stupid mouth at the same time.

I barely got through the rest of the jokes, delivering a total of none of them with the aplomb I'd envisioned. The staff (Spicy News feels like it's produced by every comedian in Portland; there were something like 30 people in the studio) rushed in with a bowl of ice cream that did very close to nothing to curb the UNBELIEVABLE BURNING IN AND AROUND MY FACE.

Instead of being relieved it was over, I was enormously sad. I wasn't expecting that either. I think what happened was my eyes were watering so hard, my body thought we were crying. "What's that, eyes? Crying? Lots and lots? Shit, something way sad must have just happened. Come on, emotions, get your head in the game!" I was curled up on a chair hugging my ice cream and feeling super bummed about nothing in particular for 20+ minutes.

Here's something else I didn't know: habaneros don't just hurt your mouth. If you eat two in a row and don't do a great job of chewing them, you feel a small ball of firey pain moving slowly down your digestive track, hitting your stomach, and expanding to fill the entire thing.

Somebody asked me if I'd eaten dinner first. "You should eat a bunch beforehand so you don't get a stomachache. Also we usually have people eat a couple Tums before they start." These are both super helpful tips beforehand. They've done like 40 of these videos, and it didn't occur to one of the hundred staff members/groupies there to tell me this before I did the video.

I tell you all of this, dear friend, to let you know how much I've gone through in the last 24 hours in hopes of providing you even a smidgen of entertainment. If you don't watch this video and enjoy it heartily, it'll be like you personally kicked me in the stomach. Twice. So watch it. And if they ever ask you to be on the Spicy News tell them to shove their habaneros up their numerous asses.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Photos from Monday's Justin Bieber Show

Ned Lannamann — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 14:29:08 -0700

We've got some great photos of the crazypants Justin Bieber show that hit the Rose Garden on Monday night, which turned young girls and their dads into piles of jellylike sobs. This here's just a taste, so go over to End Hits to get your fix.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Bieber Vomit Gets the Taiwanese CGI Treatment!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 14:44:11 -0700

As I warned you about the other day, Justin Bieber kind of threw up onstage at a concert recently. It was actually kind of a minor spew—however, that's not the way the Taiwanese CGI geniuses of Next Media Animation see it! They see a firehose of multicolored puke mixed in with unicorns, dancing bags of Doritos, and... oh for the love of god, just WATCH.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

It's the Feel-Good Story of a Feel-Bad Week...

Dan Savage — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 10:44:00 -0700

...but if you think about it for even a second it's a feel-bad story too:

Some of the victims fighting for their lives after being wounded in the movie-theater shooting rampage may face another challenge when they get out of the hospital: enormous medical bills without the benefit of health insurance.... Three of the five hospitals treating victims said Wednesday they will limit or completely wipe out medical bills. Some of the victims, however, still face a long recovery ahead and the associated medical costs—without health insurance.

Three hospitals aren't going to go after uninsured shooting victims—they're not going to take them for everything they're worth, they're not going to send them to collections, they're not going to bankrupt them—and that's good news for the uninsured victims of the Aurora movie theater shooting. But uninsured shooting victims in Colorado who weren't fortunate enough to get shot in a particular movie theater on a particular night? Those people are still screwed. The same three hospitals being praised for wiping out the medical bills for the uninsured Aurora shooting victims will continue to bankrupt other victims of other shootings. Because that's how our system works.

And some of the people who might wind up bankrupted? The insured victims of the Aurora theater shooting. Sixty percent of bankruptcies in the US are caused by medical bills and more than 50% of those bankrupted by medical bills actually had health insurance. Take it away, Justin Beiber:

Asked if he wanted to become an American citizen, Bieber made clear his love for Canada—and its health care system. "You guys are evil," he told the magazine. "Canada's the best country in the world. We go to the doctor and we don't need to worry about paying him, but here, your whole life, you're broke because of medical bills. My bodyguard's baby was premature, and now he has to pay for it. In Canada, if your baby's premature, he stays in the hospital as long as he needs to, and then you go home."

Our system is sick. Still.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

What Did Mike Tyson Give Justin Bieber for his Birthday?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 12:59:47 -0800

From Mike Tyson's Twitter feed:

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Happy 18th Birthday, Justin Bieber!!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 10:59:57 -0800

Happy birthday to Justin Bieber who turns an extremely LEGAL 18-years-old today!

As you know, I've written well over 100 posts documenting Bieber's rise to fame, so to celebrate his birthday, what follows are the TOP 10 "BIEBER FEVER" COMMENTS LABELING ME AS A PEDOPHILE. Hit the jump.

Only 365 days until WSH is able to make his dream come (legally) true! Oh wait..it's a leap year in 2012...make that an excruciating 366 days WSH! Bwahahaha!
Posted by El Stunto on March 2, 2011 at 12:25 AM

WSH: current NAMBLA member?
Posted by Sūṕër Ḉḩüñdŷ on April 14, 2011 at 11:24 AM

When will society finally approve of boy on news editor love?!?
Posted by Evil Wm. Steven Humphrey on November 29, 2010 at 4:12 PM

The classic doomed romance. By the time he's street legal, you'll have moved on to your next bizarre pop-cult obsession. So sad!
Posted by Todd Mecklem on October 25, 2010 at 12:19 PM

I think we all know what WSH is really doing when he thinks of the "Beiber beat".
Posted by El Stunto on February 22, 2011 at 5:57 PM

If the Bieb showed up in WSH's bedroom wearing a jock strap midnight on his 18th birthday, I am pretty damn sure WSH would have sex with that. WSH/Bieb meme aside.
Posted by BruceWang on November 10, 2010 at 11:29 PM

I know your Beiber fetish was supposed to be a parody of an older man's fascination with an under-aged boy. But no one got the joke about Mayor Sam so it is time to let it die.
Posted by Rosy on February 14, 2011 at 5:33 PM

How many years, months, days, hours, minutes and seconds, humpy?

WHY IS THERE NO COUNTDOWN CLOCK YET?
Posted by Alexjon on May 14, 2010 at 12:39 PM

Yeah, you don't look at all child-molesty.
Posted by Beer Batter on May 20, 2010 at 4:36 PM

woww, the person who wrote this stupid ass blog should go seek some help. fast.
Posted by vivian on July 8, 2011 at 5:26 PM

Read ALL my Justin Bieber posts here!

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Will Justin Bieber Remake Fear? (Oh, God! Yes, Please, YES!!!)

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 15:30:38 -0800

As Justin Bieber's voice (and balls) continues to drop, it's no surprise that he would be looking to diversify more and more into acting—just like Justin Timberlake who consistently breaks my heart by refusing to PUT OUT A GODDAMN ALBUM!! (Ahem.) Anyway, according to Movie Web, Das Beebs is itching to hop into feature film acting, and guess what movie remake he's got his eye on?

We've been told that Bieber has been mulling over a number of feature ideas... [but] its Marky Mark's dark R rated thriller Fear that has caught the attention of Justin Bieber.

There are currently no plans to remake Fear, released by Universal Pictures in 1996. But Justin Bieber is rumored to be obsessed with the movie, which finds Mark Wahlberg playing the psychotic boyfriend of Reese Witherspoon, who torments both her and her family...

It is believed that Justin Bieber will pursue the rights to remaking Fear, using the film as his launching board into feature film acting. Though, its being speculated that this new Fear will most likely be tamed down for a PG-13 rating....

Waitasecond!! A PG-13 rating?? You can't fingerbang Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster with a PG-13 rating!! (Let's just pray for an extended "director's cut" of the roller coaster scene and that Reese's 35-year-old vagina will be available. Hurry up, Justin! Unlike you, Reese isn't getting any younger!)

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Trailer for The Expendables 2

Erik Henriksen — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 09:44:25 -0800

Well, more of a teaser, really, right here, simply confirming that yes, there are a lot of geriatric action stars in this movie. As well as some people you've still never heard of! And that one beefcake who they cast as Gale in The Hunger Games.

Also: Between this and the G.I. Joe 2 trailer, I'm starting to wonder if Bruce Willis is even in movies anymore or if he just shows up in trailers for sequels to give people hope that this time around, things won't be quite as shitty as they were the first time.

Also again: Pfft. Sly, you're telling me you couldn't get Steven Seagal for this? PFFFTTTTT. Like he's busy.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

BIEBER BEAT: More Taiwanese CG Hilarity!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:14:54 -0700

What I love about these Taiwanese CG people is they don't mind beating a dead horse—and then beating the glue that's left over after beating the dead horse. Here's their interpretation of Mariah Yeater's testimony in which she filthily describes her alleged toilet tryst with Justin Bieber that supposedly produced a bouncing baby Bieber boy. Audio is little NSFW-ish!

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

THE BIEBER BEAT: Bieber in Baby-Daddy Toilet Tryst?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 13:29:37 -0700

Did you miss these posts? YES, YOU DID. That being said, this morning I briefly mentioned that Monsieur Bieber is in the midst of a tabloid scandal involving a fan who claims they had a "toilet tryst" backstage after one of his shows, and now she has a three-month-old baby to show for it! But why should you waste brain cells reading the story and his denials, when the Taiwanese CG geniuses can show you what happened in hilarious detail?

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Justin Bieber: Freedom Fighter?

Paul Constant — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 14:46:00 -0700

Justin Bieber called for a senator to be arrested on live radio yesterday:

On a radio show, the tween pop sensation called out Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), who’s sponsoring legislation to make it a felony to profit from streaming unlicensed content online, the Minneapolis Star Tribune reports.

“That guy needs to be locked up,” Bieber said after hearing about the bill, apparently not immediately remembering Amy is generally a woman’s name. “Whoever she is, she needs to know that I’m saying she needs to be locked up, put away in cuffs.”

I never thought I'd write this, but: I agree with Bieber. Not that Senator Klobuchar needs to be arrested, but the Stop Online Piracy Act—which can make streaming of unauthorized copyrighted content punishable with up to five years in prison—is total bullshit. This Free Bieber site is taking advantage of the glow of celebrity attention. If you want to know more about why you should care about stopping the Stop Online Piracy Act, you should read this post. This is important.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Biebers

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 09:59:39 -0700

Sharp-eyed commenter Joneser tipped me off to this hoot o' the day: A tumblr that turns celebrity noses into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Most notably... TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA BIEBER!

Oh, yes! Many more of your fave celebs being turtle-ized here.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Bieber Beat: The Main Difference Between Justin Bieber and Sly Stone

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 11:44:54 -0700

As I mentioned in Good Morning News, the New York Post reports that Sly Stone (as in "Sly and the Family...") is currently homeless and living out of his van. In what I think is a related story, Us Magazine reports that Justin Bieber surprised gal pal Selena Gomez by reserving the entire Staples Center (all 20,000 seats of it) for a romantic steak dinner-for-two and a screening of Titanic.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

The Bieber Beat: Biebers Do the Darndest Things

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 14:29:48 -0700

That's right... BIEBER BEAT IS BACK!!! Did you miss it? BE HONEST. Anyway, in the following homemade video, Justin Bieber tries out "coneing" which is apparently the newest fad you crazy kids are into these days. (When I first read it, I thought that it said "Justin Bieber tries canoeing," and I was like, "Oh, that's cool. Canoeing is really fun.") Regardless, this is what happens when you get famous: You ruin ice cream and you're a dick to the drive-through employees.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

This is What Happens When Justin Bieber Administers a Foot Rub

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 31 May 2011 15:30:36 -0700

Let's say you were to receive a foot rub from Justin Bieber, as his current girlfriend Selena Gomez is getting in the photo below.

You might be inclined to say, "Thank you, Justin Bieber, for the foot rub. I'm certainly glad your fans are a loving, understanding lot."

BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Find out what Justin Bieber fans did say about this pic after the jump. (WARNING: It ain't pretty.)

Unfortunately, there are many more here.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Justin Bieber's $25,000 "Stewie" Necklace

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 26 May 2011 11:44:01 -0700

So Justin Bieber purchased and has been seen wearing a $25,000 "Stewie" (from The Family Guy) necklace, containing 12 carats of diamonds and rubies. Via TMZ.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

The New Justin Bieber Perfume Commercial! (What?)

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 24 May 2011 10:16:38 -0700

As I previously reported—which you would already know, if you weren't so goddamn obstinate in your refusal to ever read my "Bieber Fever" posts (which you probably aren't reading now, so why am I even wasting my time?)—Justin Bieber has his own line of perfumes! SQUEEEEEEEEE!!! Unfortunately, it's a girly perfume, and doesn't smell anything like him. (Justin Bieber smells like a combination of power, estrogen, Bubble Yum, and a popcorn shrimp plate from Long John Silvers.)

Anyway! The new commercial for his new fragrance, SOMEDAY, is finally here, and this is what I learned from this commercial.

1) Wearing Justin Bieber perfume is tantamount to a million Justin Bieber kisses on one's neck.
2) Wearing Justin Bieber perfume is tantamount to awkwardly flying through the air with Justin Bieber.
3) Wearing Justin Bieber perfume is tantamount to smelling what you'll never truly have.

I'm sad now. Goodbye.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush Makes Dental Hygiene a Reality

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 09:58:31 -0700

YOU READ CORRECTLY MY FRIENDS! The world's most brilliant scientific minds have finally succeeding in creating a Justin Bieber toothbrush—which means I can finally put Justin in my mouth! (I knew you were going to make that joke in the comments, so I beat ya to it! HA! HA! HA! REVERSE BURN!)

In fact, Brush Buddies have come out with a whole line of dental products erotically called, "Justin Bieber Oral Care" that includes the following:

• Justin Bieber Adult and Kid-sized Toothbrushes. These are not so awesome because they don't do anything except have his face on the handle—which you can't see anyway while you're brushing your teeth, right? So what's the fucking point? They should have tiny reproductions of his head on each bristle. WORK ON THAT SHIT, BRUSH BUDDIES!
• The Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush! Now we're talking!! These Bieber-embossed tools play two of Das Beebs greatest hits for two dentist-recommended minutes while you brush away a day's worth of encrusted filth, sticky fluids, and swarming bacteria from your molars.
• And… wait just a fucking second... JUSTIN BIEBER TOOTH FLOSS??? Oh, sweet Jesus—it's like a beautiful dream! 55 yards of delicious minty waxed floss, personally approved by the greatest pop artist of this (or any other) century!
• They even have a Justin Bieber Oral Care Travel Kit that contains a Bieber brush, a two minute hourglass timer (!!), Bieber floss (!!!), AND a Justin Bieber tongue scraper (!!!!!!!!!)—though why anyone would want to remove the taste of Bieber from their mouth is beyond me. (Goddammit. I just insulted myself, didn't I? REVERSE REVERSE BURN!!)

Whatever... ME WANTEE!!

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Fuck YOU, Cody Simpson... and Fuck Your Crunch, Too!!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 10:14:37 -0700

Okay, so it's one thing for this Cody Simpson character to try and ride Justin Beiber's butt-hairs to success—BECAUSE IT AIN'T GONNA WORK. You, sir, will NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER, NEVER, EVERRRRRRR have even a microscopic speck of the success enjoyed by the greatest pop artist this world has ever known, Das Beebs. So just quit trying to win over our hearts via our stomachs with your newest promotional product/breakfast cereal, Cody Crunch.

It comes in four different hippie flavors including "Choco Goji," "Multigrain Flakes" (BLEGGHHH!!), "Healthy Hoops," and "Apple." WHAT? You couldn't think of a better flavor name than "Apple"? How about "Anus-y Apple," or "Ass-Kissing Apple," because that's what you are, Cody! A goddamn no-talent ass-kisser! Apparently it also contains "155 calories and 6 grams of sugar" (BOOOOOO!!! THIS IS GONNA TASTE LIKE SHIT!!!), and a whopping 17% of your daily recommendation of fiber. (Actually, that's good news for me. I haven't taken a decent dump since Tuesday.)

This aggression will not stand! If Justin Bieber won't create his own cereal, then we'll have to do it for him! Please suggest a name for a Justin Bieber cereal in the comments, and I'll get those pothead idiots up in our art department to mock up a box for us, because this aggression will not stand! Sorry. Already said that.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

NAMBLA / Justin Bieber Crossover: Predict What Will Happen Next!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 10:14:07 -0700

This is possibly the greatest Tweet you will ever read:

While it may be momentarily uncomfortable, pretend you're Justin Bieber for a moment. Now, in his voice, pen the perfect Bieber response to this impossible tweet in the comments!

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

"Please Do Not Photoshop Justin Bieber's Face on My Personal Photos"

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 15:58:56 -0700

Here is a human resources complaint sent by a co-worker of David Thorne—one of the greatest troll artists working today—after David photoshopped Justin Bieber's face all over the co-workers personal photos.

Here is a snippet of the email exchange after the co-worker discovered the doctored photos:

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.05pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
But what did you put Justin Biebers face on them for dickwad? I was going to use them for something.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 31 March 2011 1.12pm
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: No Subject
You can still use them. Justin Bieber is very popular.

Read the entire exchange here, and for more of David Thorne fucking with people's lives in hilarious ways, go here. AND ESPECIALLY HERE!! (For those of you in a hurry, check out a couple of the Bieberized photos after the jump.)

More here!

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Justin Bieber with Steve Buscemi's Eyes

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 11:32:53 -0700

TOO LATE. CAN'T UNSEE IT.
You can thank Marissa for this.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

BIEBER BEAT: Beebs Grows Up to be a Douche

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 14:29:53 -0700

BIEBER BEAT!! People often speculate what Justin Bieber may be like when he turns 30—and now? There may be a movie to answer that very question! From the LA Times.

Bieber is eyeing a lead role in the comedy “What Would Kenny Do?” according to a person who was briefed on the project but was not authorized to speak about it publicly. The film tells of a relationship between a 17-year-old and his thirtysomething self. Said thirtysomething would be played by Ashton Kutcher, the source said.

What… the… SHIT?!?

Chris Baldi’s “Kenny” script, which landed on Hollywood’s Black List in 2008, is an R-rated comedy describing a teenager who meets a hologram claiming to be the adult version of himself; the hologram then helps guide the teen through high school.

I'm pretty sure that if I needed someone to guide me through high school, it wouldn't be Ashton Kutcher. (My first instinct is to go with Kelly LeBrock.)

BEIBER BEAT!! In other critical Bieber news, remember how Beebles cut his hair for charity, which was then purchased for $40,000? That very same hair is currently ON A NATIONWIDE TOUR (I swear to god I'm not kidding) in a glass case (under constant supervision from TWO bodyguards), where anyone who donates money to the Japanese relief fund can have their picture taken with it! In a related story: THAT'S FUCKED!

BIEBER BEAT!! Washed-up salvia huffer and one of the most terrible people in the world Miley Cyrus pissed on both Justin Bieber and Rebecca "Friday" Black in a recent interview saying that kids these days? They got it tooooooo easy!

"It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn't just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour," she told Australia's Daily Telegraph.

See, maybe that's Miley's problem. She never put out a YouTube video. Or learned how to sing. Or got her teeth fixed. Or emancipated herself from her hillbilly dad. Or learned to shut her stupid hee-haw. YOUR ENVY SMELLS LIKE A MOLDY T-SHIRT, MILEY. Gurgle a salvia bong and chill-the-fudge-OUT.

Justin offers his own advice for Miley after the jump.

BIEBER BEAT!!!

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]