The Apocalypse: Blogtown, PDX, Portland Mercury

Birth of a Killer Tornado

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 21 May 2013 09:59:00 -0700

Okay, so I just watched this video? And my PTSD from growing up in tornado alley Alabama just jumped into overdrive. This completely engrossing video was shot by a guy who witnessed the birth of the tornado that ravaged Oklahoma and took dozens of lives. At :50 you see it coming out of the sky, by 2:00 you're crapping your pants and by 3:00 your crap is crapping itself. Say what you will about the man who stuck around to shoot this, but you can't say he isn't brave. The man's son introduced this on Reddit thusly:

He was out that way for work today and just happened to be in the right place at the right time. He was worried it was going to come back at him and was searching for a way to scoot out it's way once he was able to gauge how insanely close it was to him. He hung in there, though. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable is an understatement.

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Some Last Thoughts on the Big Quake Before We’re Lulled Back into a False Sense of Security

Nathan Gilles — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 10:59:00 -0700

In the wake of writing yet another earthquake story, I find myself once again more than a little annoyed by the surrender-to-the-fates, let-go-and-go-with-god attitude some readers seem to take toward preparing for the big earthquake expected to wreck the Northwest sometime in the next 50 to 100 years.

Here's my short answer to all this whiny nonsense: “Bitch, please. Grow the fuck up!”

My longer answer is hopefully more thoughtful.

Like the post’s title suggests, I’d like to share my flagrantly editorialized final thoughts before we’re all lulled into a false sense of security by the passage of time, and the general frenetic nature of our modern world, a world that has us constantly turning our heads this way and that as we try to take in the day’s barrage of distractions and novelties. And I'm pretty sure none of you will actually bother to take even basic steps toward preparing for a COMPLETELY PREDICTABLE AND LARGELY PREVENTABLE disaster. But as I hope my last story illustrated, the problem is only partially about what you as individuals do to prepare. It's way more about whether government officials and companies step up and start taking your well-being seriously. And let's face it, for that to happen, regular people like you will probably need to do the one thing that gets shit done in a democracy: get really loud and really angry and do it en masse.

When I write “preventable disaster,” I mean it. No, we can’t prevent our subduction zone from rupturing. But that’s not the point. The worst part about the earthquake won’t be the first four minutes of shaking it’s going to be everything that follows afterward.

As we’ve reported over and over again, if the 9.0 quake were to strike tomorrow, state emergency planners think it could take up to three months for electricity to return in the Willamette Valley, up to a year before the sewer and water pipes are reliably flowing again, and up to three years before our communications networks are functioning at something close to their pre-quake levels.

As many as 10,000 people could die, and Oregon’s economy is expected to bleed internally from a sucker-punch worth $30 billion. But you know all this. And hopefully you also know this scenario is—time willing—preventable.

Because when it finally strikes, the dark and ominous disaster looming on our horizon will be as much a human-made calamity as a natural one. And some people have been warning about this and trying to get those in power to respond, people like the smart folks at the Oregon Seismic Safety Policy Advisory Commission (OSSPAC)—the state group bringing all the quaking pieces together. (Yes, they need a shorter name.)

OSSPAC’s message is Oregon can recover in a matter of days and weeks instead of months and years. Unfortunately, they’ve got a lot of convincing to do, because right now the “gap” between OSSPAC’s ideal and our real world is pretty big.

Take telecommunications as an example. Under current conditions it could take Portland up to six months to replace underground cables, up to a year to replace equipment, and up to three years to replace buildings that house the high-tech stuff used to route calls. Make no mistake: The buildings really are the linchpin here, so we’re looking at up to three years before we’re at even a semblance of normal. That’s the real. OSSPAC’s ideal is to have telecom networks returned to 80 to 90 percent capacity by the end of two weeks. Think that sounds unrealistic? It isn’t.

OSSPAC members have based their pie-in-the-sky estimates on what Chile can already do—not always-prepared Japan, but Chile. If you need to have this put in perspective, Chile has a population of 17 million, compared to our population of 316 million. They have a GDP of $319 billion. We have a GDP of $15.65 trillion. As OSSPAC head Kent Yu told me recently, “If Chile can do it, we can, too.”

I want to believe him. Of course it’s very likely we won’t act in time. Nature has its own sense of chronology, and it doesn’t jive with the buzzing activity of human society. In fact, they’re pretty much opposites. Humans have a decided tendency to prefer the present over the future, the actual over the probable.

Psychologists call this “present bias,” and it occasionally gets us in trouble. And, many suspect, it’s also what’s keeping us from preparing for predictable and preventable disasters like climate change and the aftermath of our Cascadia subduction zone rupture. To paraphrase an emergency planner I spoke with, our nervous systems were designed to get through the day, not through an indefinitely long lifetime. We respond to lions and tigers jumping out from the shadows to attack us, but the beast that sneaks up on us over hundreds of years and lies in wait is also just as dangerous.

For those familiar with present bias, you’ve probably heard or read of an experiment that works something like this: A bunch of adults in lab coats separate a group of kids into a series a rooms. The mean adults then tell the kids they can either have one Oreo cookie (sometimes it's a marshmallow) now or, if they wait for 15 minutes they can have two cookies, “But if you eat the cookie now, you can’t have the other one later.” The sweets are placed right in front of the children.

The natural tendency is to go for the cookie that's right there, and as the experimenters watch from behind two-way mirrors the kids, nervous in their chairs, squirm with indecision. Some of the kids fold under the sugary pleasure and eat the sweets, but others don’t.

This is kind of Oregon’s situation right now. We’ve been given the choice between one cookie now, or two later. Only in our experiment, if we eat the cookie in front of us, not only won't there be more sweets later, but the scary doctors also will come in with hammers and break our kneecaps.

That might be slightly harsh, but really it’s not. We can choose to act and sacrifice now, or we can face the consequences.

But before you head for the hills and load up on dry goods, stop for a moment. Here's the thing:

What I hope my last piece of disaster porn illustrates is that it’s not just about how much freeze-dried ice cream you keep in your shed. It’s about whether government officials are up to the task. It’s about whether the state’s seismically vulnerable bridges will be replaced in time. And it’s about utilities being able to provide you with electricity, gas, water, and the ability to speak with loved ones and emergency responders in a timely fashion.

So stock up if you want to. But here again is my unsolicited advice: If you really want to prepare for the Big One, do what democracies do best: complain and complain loudly and do it in large numbers.

In other words, stop squirming in your chair and grow the fuck up.

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Another Reason Obama is Awesome: He Has His Own Shape-Shifting Alien Bodyguard!!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 14:29:06 -0700

Did you know I once applied for the Secret Service? (I was rejected for OH, so many obvious reasons.) HOWEVER! Now I don't feel so bad because I know who I was up against: SHAPE-SHIFTING ALIENS. According to this hilariously (totally serious, guys!) report, a "reptilian shape-shifting humanoid alien" was spotted working on President Obama's secret service detail during his 2012 APIAC speech. And he would've gotten away with it, too... if he hadn't accidentally shape-shifted during the speech! WHOOPSIE-DAISY! (Obama's gonna have his shape-shifting head for this!)

Obviously this is just another example of the Illuminati helping an alien race pull the strings of world power Jews 9/11 was an inside job. Also... FLUORIDE.

via

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Rapturepalooza Trailer: Funniest Rapture Ever!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 14:14:30 -0800

First of all, people need to stop "paloozaing" things. However! I will make an allowance in this one case for the upcoming film Rapturepalooza (due out in May), which stars my hopefully one day girlfriend Anna Kendrick, John Francis Daly, Craig Robinson and my hopefully one day boyfriend Rob Corddry. The world is coming to an end, which is like, such a super bummer for a group of teens, who are really put out by the whole thing. Bloody rain? AND a girlfriend-stealing, horny antichrist? Oh, c'mon!

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The Asteroid Missed Us... As You Were

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 12:59:19 -0800

From Yahoo News:

An asteroid half the size of a football field buzzed Earth in a historic flyby today (Feb. 15), barely missing our planet just hours after a much smaller object exploded above Russia, injuring perhaps 1,000 people.

The 150-foot-wide (45 meters) near-Earth asteroid 2012 DA14 cruised within 17,200 miles (27,000 kilometers) of Earth at 2:24 p.m. EST (1924 GMT) today, coming closer than many communications satellites circling our planet.

Okay, so I guess our plans for tonight are back on. Soooo... what do you want to do? I hear A Good Day to Die Hard is good.

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Meteorocalypse! (Asterocalypse? WHATEVER!) Sweet Video of Meteor Explosions!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 15 Feb 2013 09:44:55 -0800

As Denis mentioned in Good Morning News, Russia had some little visitors yesterday—meteorites that exploded over the Urals in Russia, damaging 300 buildings and injuring 900 people (mostly via broken glass). Here's an awesome news report from Russia Today in which the (fairly flippant) Brit host and his not-exactly-a-scientist-but-she's-cute "expert" reporter describe what happened and—here's the important part—show TONS of sweet video. And while I realize these meteorites were definitely trying to kill us, they're still kind of... beautiful? WATCH.

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Zombie Apocalypse Hints: Go to this Ace Hardware!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 21 Jan 2013 10:29:53 -0800

Maybe you're no longer worried about the possibility of a zombie apocalypse—but it could still happen! And if it does, you're gonna want to run straight to the Ace Hardware. And not just any Ace Hardware but the one featured in this 10 minute, award-winning documentary short that is currently a Sundance fave, "When the Zombies Come."

Actual, bored Ace Hardware employees dream up a incredibly intricate plan to ward off a zombie invasion and the results are pretty goddamn HILARIOUS. (Plus this mini-movie really pissed off the Ace Hardware executives who are trying to get the film eradicated from the universe. Good luck, jerks!) WATCH IT!

via

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How Was 2012?: A Legally Binding Blogtown Poll

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 31 Dec 2012 10:14:07 -0800

OKAY. You've had more than enough time to think about this... and now it's time to answer this question once and for all.

UPDATE: Apparently 2012 didn't want to be voted on, because my poll broke. We'll try again tomorrow! Eff YOU, 2012!

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Oh, Right! Almost Forgot! We're Getting a Fluoride Vote in 2013!

Denis C. Theriault — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 13:59:37 -0800

Like we all knew would happen, the Portland City Council yesterday officially moved up a referendum on putting fluoride in the water to May 2013—a full year earlier than fluoride foes had been hoping for when they went out gathering tens of thousands of signatures in hopes of summarily ending the whole affair.

It was a 3-1 vote, with Commissioner Dan Saltzman out on an excused absence and Commissioner Amanda Fritz, concerned about low turnout and a rushed campaign, voting a full-throated NO. The vote also marked an official send-off for Mayor Sam Adams and Commissioner Randy Leonard, both of whom are stepping down in 10 days. And, like every other fluoride hearing to date, it didn't disappoint. In fact, it was pretty much just like every fluoride hearing to date, because everyone pretty much said pretty much the same things they said every other time.

I was live-tweeting it all yesterday. I got punchy. Enjoy some highlights.

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BREAKING: The World Is Ending RIGHT NOW (and the Soundtrack is Awesome)

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 11:28:34 -0800

Whoopsy! Okay then, folks! I guess that's all that's left of planet earth—so let's go live to various corners of the globe to see the Mayan Apocalypse currently in action! (And check out the soundtrack! BEST APOCALYPSE EVER!!)

Via Eclectic Method

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Reality Stars Sing "We Ruined the World"

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 21 Dec 2012 10:14:27 -0800

Happy Mayan Apocalypse Day, everybody! Before we sign off forever, it's time for all of us... in particular, me... to make amends and apologize for all the crappy things we've done while on this planet.

[Pause.]
[Pause.]
[Pause.}
I got nothing.

HOWEVER! A bunch of reality TV stars got together under the baton of The Soup's Joel McHale to sing this stirring apology ballad entitled, "We Ruined the World" because... well, they kinda did. (How many of these reality stars can you recognize?)

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Reminder! The World Ends Tomorrow.

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 13:29:27 -0800

Just a friendly reminder that the world is ending tomorrow, Friday, Dec 21, and it might be a good idea to get your affairs in order. That's what we're doing today at the Mercury—right after our holiday white elephant gift exchange. (Does anybody have the exact time the world ends tomorrow? I'd like to get in a quick workout beforehand.)

Anyway, if the end of the world slipped your mind, no worries. You can quickly read this week's Mercury Guide to the Mayan Apocalypse, which is specifically designed for all you last minute apocalypsers. Such as...

The End of Times: Cheers and Jeers
Here Are Some Things I've Been Wanting to Tell You
A Non-Survivor's Guide to the Apocalypse (this one is specifically directed at YOU)
A Last Minute Bucket List
And of course...
The Mercury's Word Search of Eternal Strife and Never Ending Frustration to Celebrate the Upcoming Banal Everyday Armageddon that Will be Our Undoing

I hope these articles will be of some help and solace... but if they're not? It's not like you're gonna be able to complain about it. See ya when I see ya.

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If You Survive the Big One, Here's Where You Should Go

Denis C. Theriault — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 12:44:45 -0800

It's only a matter of time before a massive, long-overdue, catastrophic earthquake stomps all over Portland's skyscrapers, highways, and bridges. But let's say you make out okay, and your house or apartment is one of the lucky ones that doesn't buckle or collapse. Would you know where to go for food? For water? Medical care? Hell, even for basic information about what's happened?(Because let's be honest; you probably don't have a hand-cranked radio handy.)

Portland's Bureau of Emergency Management might have an answer. It might even be in your mailbox right now. Emergency planners are spreading the word about a hoped-for network 48 stations called Basic Earthquake Emergency Communication Nodes, aka BEECNs (yes, pronounced like the word "beacon"). Postcards mapping all 48 locations should be hitting every home in the city, advertising the BEECNs as places where you can meet up with city-trained volunteers and find supplies like tents and medicine and radios and first-aid kits. (There's also an app.)

I happened across PBEM's media roll-out yesterday while haunting city hall for council coverage; they'd set up outside the city council chambers ahead of a vote that cements Oregon Public Broadcasting as the city's official outlet for emergency broadcasts. And I came away intrigued enough, after looking over the shiny and serious-looking sample station, that I went to the bureau's website and used a form to enter both my home and work addresses to figure out the closest BEECN to each one. (St. Johns Park and the Fields park, respectively.)

One big caveat: The success of the stations relies on the city's Neighborhood Emergency Teams—and there have been concerns about that program raised by the very volunteers who make it up. The BEECNs also won't work if they're planned for locations that won't flood, crumble, or wind up buried—and can also handle a large crowd of desperate and wounded Portlanders.

As such, most are in parks and fields, says PBEM's director, Carmen Merlo. Some people will have to slog a long, long way to get to one, especially in the West Hills or in parts of Northeast Portland.

What we really need to survive an earthquake is money. Real money and real urgency for prevention and seismic work. But that might be an unwinnable political fight. So this will have to do.

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Google's Year in Review

Eli Sanders — Thu, 13 Dec 2012 10:14:55 -0800

It's an ad, I know, but it's also a pretty good look at what the hell just happened:

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Here's Your Second Post-Apocalyptic Trailer of the Day!

Erik Henriksen — Mon, 10 Dec 2012 14:14:30 -0800

To the great ~~interest~~ boredom of many, I've written at length about my complicated feelings regarding M. Night Shyamalan*. I finally jumped off the let's-defend-Shyamalan train around the time of The Happening, vowing to never be tricked again, and yet: After Earth, the Will Smith/Jaden Smith sci-fi flick that Shyamalan's directing, but not writing? Um... well aside from the fact I'm pretty sure it's actually set before humanity and not after it, as it implies, I think it looks kind of... I'm not going to say it. But this is worth a watch.

YES YES I KNOW FOOL ME ONCE, ETC. But I don't know. Animals and spaceships and Karate Kids and stuff! Those things are neat. So I don't know. Part of me wants nothing more than see Shaymalan make a genuinely awesome movie again. The rest of me knows that even entertaining that hope is what made me watch The Last Airbender and then hate myself for doing so, so there you go.

I did get a mean-spirited kick out of the fact that they don't mention Shyamalan's name at all anywhere on the trailer, though. I think they learned their lesson from the Devil trailer—an otherwise effective preview that made every audience that saw it start laughing when Shyamalan's name came up.

*Short version! He's got a remarkable ability to create stunning images and set a genuinely haunting tone—a fact that usually gets pushed aside so people can talk about how they always see his twists coming** and how deplorable Lady in the Water, The Happening, and The Last Airbender are***.

**No you don't, liar.

***And yes, those are genuinely terrible. But Sixth Sense and Unbreakable are great, and Signs is underrated, and even The Village has some great stuff.

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Robot Apocalypse Update: Farm Edition

Alex Falcone — Thu, 06 Dec 2012 09:59:24 -0800

NPR's Marketplace did a story the other day about the adorable $30k robots that are taking the place of normal, blood pumping, human workers on farms. While Americans were worried about immigrants taking our jobs, an army of robots plotted how to re-take those jobs.

Amusing, perhaps. But also terrifying. We are relying on robots to harvest our food and thereby giving them the tools to destroy us. When the robots turn evil we'll have no leverage to negotiate with them. We can't unplug them or we'll starve.

Even scarier is a quote from near the end of the story: "If your leg looks too much like a pot, it might try to move your leg." This is my biggest fear with all robots. What happens when (WHEN!) they think I look like something that needs to be harvested? If my leg looks too much like a cherry tree, will the robot shake me until my cherries come out? Because that'll be a lot of shaking.

Here's a video of the boring man claiming to be the robot's master explaining the "harmless" technology he's peddling.

Note how the people working in the robot office ignore their impending doom as it whirls around its playpen happily moving plants with its cute grasping arm that could be so easily reprogrammed to choke humans.

Like with all robotic inventions, it's not the amazingly cool way they work today. It's the slippery slope they're sliding down (or building up, I'm not sure how the slope metaphor works for robots). I don't know how anybody could watch them work and not see the obvious links between this and the end of the world.

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Trailer for World War Z

Erik Henriksen — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 12:59:00 -0800

World War Z: good book, troubled film production. Max Brooks' oral history of a worldwide zombie plague is clever and fun—and at this point, it's the one exception that proves the rule that zombies, as monsters and characters/metaphors/whatever, are totally exhausted.

Brad Pitt's adaptation of World War Z, which appears to trade intimacy for spectacle, looks absolutely nothing like the book—io9 nails when they say it looks "like 2012 with zombies." Which is probably to be expected: a faithful adaptation of World War Z would be a Ken Burns-style mockumentary, and that shit doesn't make money!

But here's the thing: Yeah, it's a bummer that the book is gonna get shafted, but I'm kinda digging what the World War Z movie appears to be doing. The first 45 seconds of that trailer are great—and even if from there on out it feels like an episode of Michael Bay's The Walking Dead, it still looks like something I'd watch. It's impossible to judge a movie by its trailer (the previews for Life of Pi—another film based on a good book, and another film with one or two problems—have been fucking atrocious, but the movie's really solid), and who knows, maybe World War Z will turn out to be as smart as the book. But even if it's just a dumbed-down disaster flick with waves of lemming-like zombies crushing everything in their path? Hell, it'll still be a disaster flick with waves of lemming-like zombies crushing everything in their path.

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This Is Your Fault, Internet

Erik Henriksen — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 09:44:50 -0800

For those of you who think Michael Bay doesn't give a shit what people on the internet say, you are 100 percent correct! But sometimes he hears what people on the internet say. So when nerds started guessing that Mark Wahlberg might be in Transformers 4, Michael Bay was all, "Pfft! Please. That is ridonkulous, on the serious." But then Michael Bay was all, "Hmmm! That gives me an idea... what if I put Mark Wahlberg in Transformers 4?" AND NOW MARKY MARK IS STARRING IN OPTIMUS PRIME AND THE FUNKY BUNCH, AND IT WILL MAKE 14 TRILLION DOLLARS.

Be careful what you say on the internet, nerds. You never know who will be listening.

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Shrieking White-Hot Sphere of Pure Rage In 2016

Erik Henriksen — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 13:14:09 -0800

After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016

Via the Onion, which has yet again proven to be the best place to go for eerily accurate post-election analysis.

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You Can't Judge a Bob Dylan Album By Its Cover...

Ned Lannamann — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 09:18:50 -0700

...except in this case, you probably can.

Tempest comes out September 11, and will sound like a squeaky screen door being battered by the wind.

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Robots Playing Soccer

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 10 Jul 2012 11:29:12 -0700

Now I'm not saying we should replace the Timbers with adorable robots—ummm... actually, I think that's exactly what I'm saying. Check out this robot soccer blooper reel!

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Cracked Explains Why Internet Journalism Is Terrible.

Alison Hallett — Fri, 01 Jun 2012 13:57:17 -0700

And why "How to Kill a Zombie," which Erik wrote in 2004, is suddenly on our "most popular" list.

Read the article.

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Tonight! KATU Wants Everyone to Be Afraid of Marauding Crazy People!

Denis C. Theriault — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 12:44:47 -0800

Have you seen this yet? KATU is airing a melodramatic commercial for an "investigative" piece tonight that's apparently all about how the Oregon State Hospital keeps on letting crazy people lumber free from decrepit cages to menace innocents and little children.

They're pulling out all the stops: sinister music, a raspy narrator, gritty black-and-white footage—even a hallway confrontation between a reporter and a state official. Update! Here's a YouTube embed; seems the KATU embed stopped working. Update again! And then the station's YouTube embed went down, too. Curious. Very curious. I've left a message with the newsroom to find out what's what. Another update! The Mental Health Association of Portland shrewdly made their own copy and posted it to YouTube. So it lives again.

Good for them and their gumshoe reporting, right? Wrong. Mental health advocates are ripping it as a bunch of stigmatizing, insensitive hogwash.

The Mental Health Association of Portland is calling the story "crap" and wants people to call KATU and raise hell:

The Mental Health Association of Portland has sifted through a lot of crap news stories about the Oregon State Hospital—but this looks to be a doozy.

What’s true? The hospital HAD four basic problems — decrepit and dangerous buildings, demoralized under-educated staff, stigma/fear/panic on the part of just about everyone but especially mental health providers and the media, and the association with Psychiatric Security Review Board.

Number one is resolved. Number two is changing fast. Number three, as evidenced by Dan Tilken‘s hysterical reporting above, is still a basic every day problem. Number four was addressed with major legislative changes in 2010.

Tonight KATU is the problem, not the solution. Too bad Dan couldn’t find a real story.

And here's what the Multnomah County chapter of the National Alliance on Mental Illness had to say:

KATU is running inflammatory, fear-mongering ad spots about people being treated at the state hospital. The key word in Oregon State Hospital is "hospital"—not prison—as KATU portrays.

Lucky for you, we've obtained an advance copy of KATU's special report! It's after the cut.

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Fleet Foxes: "The Shrine/An Argument"

Raquel Nasser — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 12:14:00 -0800

Here is a new and absolutely brilliant video for Fleet Foxes' "The Shrine/An Argument," off this year's Helplessness Blues. Directed by Sean Pecknold—with gorgeous character illustrations by Stacey Rozich—this engrossing eight-minute epic follows some sort of elk on a trek through the dawn of the (refreshingly zombie-free) apocalypse.

Video. Watch. Now.

End Hits: And then the two-headed underwater dragon ate him.

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Behold the Harbinger of Your Doom

Erik Henriksen — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:29:07 -0800

Thanks for the nightmares, io9.

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