Ice and/or Fire: Blogtown, PDX, Portland Mercury

Game of Thrones Recap: Butts and Bears Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 13 May 2013 10:44:42 -0700

George R. R. Martin wrote last night's episode of Game of Thrones. Seeing his name at the top of the show, I expected some kind of world-shaking events to take place plot-wise. That didn't happen. Various plots certainly moved forward, but the real developments were all character-based. No cities fell or heads rolled, but we did see characters grow. Learn. Get more interesting. Also, there was shit-tons of nudity and a huge apex predator.

Robb butt! Talisa butt! BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS, BUTTS!

In a rare instance Game of Thrones showing us affection-based nudity, we learned that Robb’s unwisely wed bride not Jeyne Talisa is in baby bakin’ mode. This has been a fringe fan theory for some time (link contains major book spoilers) and the show seems to just be running with it. The best line from the Robb scenes, though, came from the Blackfish, who seems to be turning into a grizzled comic relief character on level with Bronn. “I’ve seen wet shit I like better than Walder Frey,” opined the Tully. Yup.

“I’m stupid. A stupid little girl with stupid dreams.” Yeah, Sansa, you are.

The Sansa/Margaery dynamic has been a pleasant surprise this season. Sansa’s transitioning from being an idealistic little girl who believes in stupid things like honor and goodness, and Margaery seems to be helping her down that path. Of course the Tyrell is trying to manipulate the credulous little Stark (see: marrying Loras) but there also seems to be a bit of real friendship there. Also, Margaery seems to have been around the block a few times. “Most women don’t know what they like until they’ve tried it,” she said. “We’re very complicated, you know, pleasing us takes practice.”

“Two women to despise me, and a whole kingdom to join them.” Tyrion was a mopey little angst puppy this episode, wringing his hands about about being betrothed to Sansa Stark. Meanwhile, he’s wondering how he’s going to handle things with his classy working girl, Shae. Shae’s affection for Tyrion seems genuine, and when she offered to get on a boat and go across the sea with the little dude, I think she meant it, at least a little. As much as it might aggravate him, though, Tyrion can’t quit playing the Game of Thrones. You can tell that he loves the planning, the manipulation, the strategizing that comes with politics. No amount of love or affection could take him away from it. If anything, he seems mostly annoyed that his involvement with ladyfolk is going to get in the way of his real love of politicking.

“You are being counseled at this very moment.” Throughout the run of the show, I’ve been consistently impressed by George R. R. Martin’s willingness to adapt his work to suit the medium. Things that work well in books don’t work well on TV, and vise versa. Last night Martin gave us a small, invented scene that showed us some of the inner workings of House Lannister, and just how powerful Tywin is.

Approaching the Iron Throne, Tywin was initially dwarfed by his surroundings. The columns, banners, and cavernous nature of the throne room seemed to tower over him. For a brief moment I was wondering if Joffrey was going to try to put his granddad in his place. Tywin, though, is much, much smarter and smoother than the little shit, and soon had the matter in hand. He was looming over his grandson, the king, and made it very clear to the viewers and to Joffrey who was actually in charge.

Slavers like guyliner, I guess. Daenerys Targaryen is on a roll. She got herself an army, burned a city, and now she’s throwing her weight around with the mascara-clad slavers of Yunkai. Did anyone else think that the Yunkai’I had horrible negotiation skills? They immediately tried to bribe Daenerys to do nothing. That’s not an effective tactic- they should have tried to approach her from a position of strength. Paying her to simply walk away makes them appear weak, which incentivizes Dany to attack.
Daenerys’ method of receiving the slavers, by the way, was fantastic. Her dragons finally seemed to be instruments of power, rather than just cute pets that she whines about losing. Everyone in Westeros talks about the dragons as a political and military asset. Last night, they finally seemed like they actually are.

“A bastard of Robert Baratheon.” Time and again Game of Thrones dispenses with A Song of Ice and Fire’s subtleties, and just makes them obvious. Melissandre just straight-up told Gendry (and the audience) that his daddy was a king who got pantless with a commoner. How is it that Melissandre was just able to sail right up to King’s Landing? Don’t they have a coast guard? A Marine patrol? Boat cops? She’s the enemy and she’s just right fucking there.

WHY DOESN’T WESTEROS HAVE BOAT COPS?

Arya books it from One-Eye and Drunky. Disgusted with the Brotherhood Without Banners, Arya (the only Stark who’s actually kind of cool) turned tail and ran after telling them that her god was Death. Then she got captured by the Hound. Hi, Sandor. Were you just sitting in those woods waiting for small children to run at you? That’s kind of weird, dude.

And now, literal torture porn. George R. R. Martin decided that Theon needed to get sexed up by two ladies, cock-blocked, and then castrated. Wow. I guess Theon's tormentor just owns a specialized castration knife? Because he cuts dicks off all the time? Why? Why do we need to revisit this shit week after week. Okay, show. You’ve made your point. Torture sucks. Torture sucks and Theon's not doing well. Yup. Got it. Nothing interesting is happening here, show. Move on. Spend time with something else.

Okay, I’ll admit that Jon and Ygritte are kind of cute. I still think that Ygritte’s a dumb character, but I do buy the relationship between Kit Harington and Rose Leslie. Ygritte never seeing a windmill before was sort of funny, and it was nice to see a bit of her provincialism on display, as opposed to seeing her as a smug little pixie always one step ahead of Snow. Their flirtiness and banter was all well done, and I’m actually sort of rooting for them as a couple. That said, I still think that all of the stuff in the North is kind of boring. Give me politicking and scheming in King’s Landing any day.

Hodor. Hodor.

A NEW CHALLENGER HAS APPEARED! Jaime Lannister probably has the best character arc of anyone in either A Song of Ice and Fire or Game of Thrones. Yeah, it’s the standard “douchebag learns about feelings and becomes an un-douchebag” arc that’s been around since Gilgamesh, but it’s done well and in both the books and show I completely buy his evolution as a character.

In a sudden attack of feelings, Jaime decided not to press on for King’s Landing, and instead head back to Harrenhall to rescue Brienne who was being held by several of Roose Bolton’s men. Upon return, the handless wonder found Brienne fighting a bear. For her part, Brienne had some pretty gnarly battle damage going on- I kind of hope she keeps the neck scars, and even though she was in a position of being rescued, she still seemed badass, as she was holding her own against a bear. A fucking bear. All black and brown and covered in hair! And then Jaime saved her. He got in the ring, fended off the bear, and saved someone who’s legitimately become his friend. The dickwad who started a lot of the action of the series (remember when he defenestrated a kid?) just did one of the most unambiguously heroic acts of the show.

Friendship is magical, everyone. Friendship is magical.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Someone's "Burning" Dislike for Fluoridation: Witness a Torched Lawn Sign

Denis C. Theriault — Wed, 08 May 2013 09:44:09 -0700

Craig Mosbaek went to bed Friday night assuming nothing was amiss outside his house near SE 30th and Division, hardly a hotbed of mayhem and trouble. He woke up the next morning to something a little startling and a lot annoying.

His lawn sign endorsing Portland's water fluoridation measure—Mosbaek is a public health consultant, former state official, and occasional volunteer for the campaign—had been torched at some point in the night. It was there when Mosbaek walked his dog around 8 pm Friday. This is what he saw in its place the next day:

"I woke up and went outside and saw the sign wasn't there," he says, "and I looked closer and you could see the ashes on the grass below the sign and a little bit of melted plastic stuck to the metal supports for the sign. I found a pack of matches close to it, too. I figured that's what happened."

Mosbaek says he called the cops. He'd been hearing from neighbors on both sides of the fluoride debate who've had signs stolen. Almost everyone has a story about that. Someone in my neighborhood found a stack of "no" signs dumped down by the Willamette River. In case you haven't heard, fluoridation has been incredibly divisive. But this was a little bit different, a little more intimidating.

"I wasn't worried about the house burning down," Mosbaek says. "It was more that someone was trying to take away our free speech rights."

Police spokesman Sergeant Pete Simpson confirms a report was taken and that Mosbaek told us what he told the cops. Simpson also says he's heard a lot of reports "anecdotally" about sign thievery, more so than in other elections, and that "this is the first time I can remember hearing about signs being damaged."

It's something to keep an eye out for. Simpson says cops don't plan on investigating, that there's not much point given the bigger crimes the police bureau is working. He says one of strange things about sign crimes is that the signs are usually owned by the campaigns and on loan to supporters, so it's not always clear who the victim really is.

But he also says officers will always come out and take a report. Even if it's just sign theft.

"We want people to report theft," Simpson says. "And if you see someone, call the police and get the police there."

Mosbaek put up another sign. He's not on the fence about fluoridation.

"I'm pretty supportive," he says. "The science is clear that it's safe and effective."

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: Bleakness and Death Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 06 May 2013 13:29:18 -0700

Well, that was weird. Bleakness. Death. Hopelessness. Last night's Game of Thrones was short on action and long on angst and death. Compared to the last two episodes it was something a tad slow. It certainly had more brooding than action and more setup than payoff. A mixed bag, all around.

That, and a character death that I quite frankly did not see coming.

Awfulness is everywhere. More after the jump.

Arya will be Katniss now. Having already acquired sword skills, Arya continued her quest to become a miniature killing machine by acquiring arrow-based abilities as well. In a departure from the source material, Melissandre showed up to check in with the Brotherhood Without Banners and we learned that Thoros of Myr has been a sleeper agent for the church of the red god, charged with converting Robert Baratheon.

I enjoyed this development. R'Hllor's followers still seem to be a nebulous menace for Westeros, and getting a brief little peek into their power structure and how they operate provided a welcome bit of definition. Melissandre absconded with Gendry, presumably to use him as a spell component in some kind of spooky fire magic she's planning to do. This is a bit different from the books- looking forward to how this plays out, precisely.

Meanwhile, at Abu Ghraib… Theon got tortured some more. And, that was kind of it. The shirtless Greyjoy remains tied to a piece of SM equipment while getting mocked, stabbed, and otherwise tormented by ~~Ramsay Snow~~ some guy who hasn't been identified yet.

I'm sorry, but there's no real reason for us to check in on Theon again and again. It would be weird if Alfie Allen were to check out of the series for a whole season, but an appearance or two would have been enough. Nothing was happening in Theon's scene. Plots didn't move forward, schemes weren't hatched- it just seemed static. The show did try to give us a little bit of tension by making Theon guess who his tormentor was but it just didn't work. Most of the fans have read the books, and even if you haven't it's pretty damn obvious that the house whose sigil is a guy getting tortured is doing the torturing.

Robb Stark makes wedding plans. In order to regain the loyalty of the Freys, Robb’s uncle Edmure agreed to marry one of Walder Frey’s numerous lady children. That was a plot point that happened. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to go cackle with glee in a corner.

More wedding plans! Sansa, Loras, Cersei, and Tyrion are all facing down marriages that they're not particularly into. George R. R. Martin must have been to some fairly terrible weddings the year he wrote A Storm of Swords, as matrimony seems to be a gigantic source of dread for the characters involved.

Sassy scheming old people are the best old people. Oleanna Tyrell is the best thing about season three. She's smart, witty, and knows exactly how the game is played. Seeing her spar with Tywin Lannister over marriage arrangements for their various progeny was fantastic- the both of them are experienced, seasoned, and very good at what they do. I'll take smart, amoral schemers over Ned Stark wringing his hands about honor any day.

Best line of the episode: "A sword swallower, through and through."

Jon and Ygritte: Action Climbers. The big action-y set piece last night was Jon, Ygritte and a crew of Wildlings climbing the Wall. Winds blew, snow flew, and a large chunk of Wall-valanche made life somewhat difficult for our heroes as they ascended. The action scene was good (well, maybe not as good as some other filmic masterpieces about rock climbing) but it did seem a little artificial. A chunk of Wall fell because it had to. There needed to be danger, so danger just literally fell out of the sky. It wasn't bad, per se, but it felt a bit more rote than Game of Thrones usually is.

Littlefinger gets off on life being horrible. The episode ended with an encounter between Varys and Littlefinger in an empty throne room. The dialogue between the two revealed a deep divide. Varys believes in the Seven Kingdoms as an abstract concept, but Littlefinger is all about ambition. "Chaos isn't a pit," he said, "it's a ladder." In an almost supervillain-esque monologue, Littlefinger revealed to Varys that he'd outmaneuvered the eunuch by having Ros, one of Varys' main informants, killed. The Mockingbird gave her to Joffrey to use as a pincushion for his new crossbow. For Littlefinger, there is no goal, no end point, no desirable outcome. There is only one's position at the moment, and the only thing one can do is to constantly climb toward something better.

Ros’ death was something of a shock, and elevated Littlefinger to a whole new level of callous brutality. It was also the first time in a while that the series has surprised me by killing off a character. The first time I read through the series a good deal of the character deaths surprised me, but I haven’t gotten that feeling with the show. A good deal of the suspense from the show has been “How are they going to do this?” as opposed to “what’s going to happen?”

Ros isn’t in the books, though, and throughout the series it’s been nice to see her pop up in at important times. Seeing Joffrey turn her into a gender-swapped St. Sebastian seemed to take the series’ cruelty a little far. We already know that Joffrey’s a sadistic little dickwad, and Ros seems to have just been ejected from the series rather than killed in a way that satisfies the narrative.

Just as Littlefinger was ending his speech, though, we saw Jon and Ygritte crest the wall. Looking out at the snow-flecked expanse, they provided a visual refutation to Littlefinger's speech. The had actually accomplished something, and had actually reached an end point. Kissing in earnest at the top of the wall, they showed us something other than ever-hungry ambition.

Daenerys Targaryen was conspicuously absent from the episode, which makes sense. Dany is on a roll with her newly acquired army, and ready to conquer the slaver cities of Essos. The upward trajectory of her story arc wouldn’t have worked all that well with last night’s downer tone. Hopefully she (and a bit more dynamism) will return next week.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: Feelings in Hot Tubs Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 10:44:33 -0700

Last night's Game of Thrones successfully combined scheming and plotting with action- wheels were being wound up, but we also got to see plots unfold. The vast majority of it was in one-on-one scenes with characters who opposed each other in some way. Each bit of it had tension, conflict, and usually a satisfying payoff. Also, there was lots of blood and nudity.

Hound VS Beric Dondarrion You know what’s a great way to start an hour of television? Fighting. The duel between Beric Dondarrion and the Hound was like the chart-topping single that kicks off the album and primes the audience for what’s to come. Dondarrion used a flaming sword against the Hound which seemed kind of cheap given that Sandor Clegane is specifically afraid of fire. That made the Hound's victory all the more impressive, though, when he chopped right through Dondarrion's shoulder.

When the Brotherhood let the Hound go, it was clear that they don't just give their adherence to the Red God lip service- they actually believe in the sanctity of trial by combat. Westeros isn't just our world with more swords and less electricity- the characters there really do have different (and sometimes alien) ideas about what constitutes justice and law.

Another theme that the episode reinforced: Magic is messed up. You can do amazing things with it, but Beric and Thoros made it clear that every time Dondarrion came back from the dead he was a little bit more faded, bedraggled, and used up. There are no phoenix downs or D&D resurrection spells in Westeros.

Jon Snow VS Ygritte Ygritte is a manic pixie dream girl. Jon Snow is dour and grumpy and then suddenly, without him having to do much of anything, there are boobs in his face. Can we all agree this arc is filled with Garden State levels of mopey male sex fantasy? I like enthusiastic naked redheads as much as the next lady fancier, but come the fuck on. The Shins might as well have been playing while they cavorted in that hot tub.

Olenna VS Tyrion Having these two titans of wit meet for an exchange of barb felt like borderline fan service, but it was service that I was happy to receive. There was nothing to their conversation, really, other than Tyrion getting the Tyrells to put up some cash for the impeding royal wedding, but it was great just seeing the two in the same room together. Diana Rigg has pretty much stolen this season as the leader of they Tyrells, and it's clear that the Lannisters have a worthy adversary on their hands when it comes to scheming and game playing.

Stark VS Karstark As stern and noble as the Starks seem, it’s easy to forget that the North is Westeros’ most potentially lawless region. The climate is harsh, it’s not at all densely populated, and it does not share much of a border with the rest of the Seven Kingdoms. It’s a big, wind-swept nothing of a place, and the ideal breeding ground for a man like Rickard Karstark. Karstark doesn’t seem to care about systems of government or laws- he’s more primal. When he and his men murder the young Lannister prisoners, they’re acting out a system that has everything to do with kin and feelings of vengeance, and little to do with anything that we’d recognize as jurisprudence. They are, in other words, bearded, sword-toting hillbillies who treat nebulous feelings of being aggrieved over and above the rule of law.

Robb Stark, though, is rule of law personified. He’s his father’s son, and he knows that simply acting out feelings of vengeance does not make for good diplomacy or war. Karstark tries to appeal to him by saying that they’re kin, but Robb doesn’t think like that- meting out justice is more important than abiding by the kin-based code of his hillbilly allies. Granted, that justice takes the form of slicing a dude’s head off, but it’s something.

Now if only Robb could have been so rational and principled before he betrayed the Freys and got himself hitched.
But he should be able to talk himself out of that mess, right?

Stannis VS Mrs. Stannis Oh, what wondrous tidbits we learned of Stannis’ household! His wife likes to keep her miscarriages in jars, like they’re her tonsils or her wisdom teeth or something, she’s a giant cuckquean who gets off on Stannis boning Melissandre, and Stannis keeps his disfigured daughter in a tower where he practically never sees her. How delightfully functional, Mr. Baratheon.

The scene between Davos and Shireen in the dungeon was touching, and underscored once again that Davos is a good man working for an awful king.

Jaime VS Brienne I feel sorry for Jaime Lannister. The Mad King was bad news for everybody, and he took care that little problem, doing Westeros a giant favor. In return, everyone talks about his dishonorable he is and gives him an obnoxious high school nickname. He outlined his side of the story to Brienne while naked in a hot tub, and I'm pretty sure that scene has already inspired a few thousand words of hideously awful erotic fan fiction.

Brienne, to her credit, is not so stiff and unyielding that she doesn’t sympathize and it’s clear that they two do have a friendship developing. I’m a pretty solid anti-fan of Book Brienne, but this iteration of the character seems an order of magnitude better than her literary basis. More and more, I’m starting to think of the books as the rough draft of the show, rather than the show as an adaptation of the books.

Tywin Lannister VS His Children Of all the casting in Game of Thrones, Charles Dance as Tywin Lannister might be the most inspired. TV Tywin looks nothing like his book counterpart, but that doesn’t matter. Dance has the character down. The stony, calculating stare, the cutting line delivery, the piercing eyes: The man is all cold fire and teeth. Last night he ordered both Tyrion and Cersei to wed Sansa Stark and Loras Tyrell for the sake of House Lannister. If Rickard Karstark is the embodiment of rural, kin-based, hillbilly semi-anarchy, then Tywin Lannister is realpolitik in ren faire gear. Damn.

Also, in case you haven't heard already, commenter Graham informed me that Strong Belwas has been cut. That is some bullshit right there. Never will we see his tiny vest brought to life by HBO.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: Falling Dominoes Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 22 Apr 2013 13:29:56 -0700

Oh, good. I was getting a little worried there. Three episodes in, and Game of Thrones was doing a whole lot of setup and not a lot of head-whacking. Last night, though, that changed.

This episode knocked down all the dominoes that the first three set up, and the result was wonderful. Blood, death, torture, and incineration abounded. Intrigue was, well, intrigued, barbs were exchanged, and, just like they say in the show, some people won and some people died.

Give Jaime a hand! Because he only has one. Well, actually he has two. One’s around his neck. The subtle little pan up from his filthy hand to its cut-off edge made for a fine opening and a nice follow-up to last week’s smash cut ending.

This has been your regular reminder that Varys has no nuts. Varys revealed to Tyrion that he’d been sold as a slave and was mutilated by a sorcerer as part of a magic ritual. Varys left the experience with a deep hatred and distrust of magic, and obviously no love for Stannis, who makes good use of it.

The scene nicely summed up that in Westeros, magic is not some nice sparkly thing that’s all about fairy dust and unicorns. It’s all about sacrifice, and ultimately can confer a huge strategic advantage to those who use it well. This season has already established that for the time being Stannis is too physically weak to make another shadow assassin, and Varys’ exposition underscores how some kind of blood or flesh can be used for magical means. Viscera, just like troops and ships, is a strategic resource in Westeros.

Also, Varys had a dude in a box. That was kind of fucked up.

Bran: dreaming again. How do we know? Because running. Catelyn pushed him out of his dream-tree, continuing to prove that Catelyn is useless.

Podrick Payne: EXTRAORDINARY. Ros and Varys. Going on about him. More of this? Um, okay. Go Pod! I like Ros as a sexy spy lady. That kind of works.

“You led the defense of King’s Landing.” I love Margaery Tyrell. More specifically, I love that the showrunners have taken a fairly blank character and turned her into one of the best players of the game of thrones. She obviously has Joffrey in her pocket, using his own ego and boorishness against him. She also tries to win the trust of Sansa by offering that she marry her brother handsome (and highly gay) Loras Tyrell. Margaery's certainly calculating and scheming, but her big weapon is making people like her. She doesn't brutalize like Joffrey, she cons people, and in that way is everything Cersei wishes she was, but isn't. Speaking of which:

Lord Tywin continues to be a stone-cold bastard. Cersei, feeling butt-hurt that Joffrey was being manipulated by Margaery, decided to complain to Daddy. “Good,” said Tywin, “I wish you knew how to manipulate him.” Tywin Lannister doesn’t seem to have any illusions about his grandson- he knows that Joffrey is a means to an end, and that someone needs to put a leash on the little shit. He seems perfectly comfortable with the Tyrell’s maneuverings, given that most of it is directed at preserving the Lannister legacy while keeping Joffrey muzzled.

“My real father lost his head at King’s Landing.” Theon’s been having a rough season, what with being captured by the Boltons and all. Last week he got busted out by a mysterious figure claiming to work for his sister, and while tromping around in the woods he ended up getting all weepy and emotion-y, spilling his daddy issues to the guy who just busted him out.

One of my viewing companions, grinning widely said “I really hope that’s Ramsay,” referring to the sadistic bastard son of Roose Bolton.

“That,” I said, “would be very nice.”

And it was. The mysterious figure led Theon right back to a torture chamber, had him tied him up to a St. Andrew’s cross, and then mindfucked Theon right in his feelings-hole. Yes.

“Growing strong, the dullest words of any house.” Yeah, probably. You’re great, Olenna. Margaery learned from the best.

“A daughter-fucking, wildling bastard!” North of the Wall the Night’s Watch is hungry, cold, and irritated. Craster, a self-proclaimed "godly man" seems to spend most of his time growling and fucking his daughters took them in, but didn't offer them much in the way of provisions. Hunger and rage exploded into a bloody fight that left Craster and Lord Commander Mormont dead.

Westeros has rum. Interesting, as modern molasses rum dates from the 1800s.

Dany: Now with a fucking army. Daenerys' storyline last season was a tiny bit weak. There was a whole lot of "my dragons, my dragons!" and not nearly enough of things going kaboom. Last night, though, she outwitted, outplayed, and ultimately out-dragoned the slavers of Astapor. Acquiring the army of Unsullied, using her own dragons as chess pieces and weapons in her conflict with the slavers, and ultimately leaving the city as a conqueror. She finally looked like a queen. Let's hope that keeps up.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: Hilarious Acts of Violence Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:59:41 -0700

Yeah, we'll get to the ending.

Game of Thrones was pretty genre-bendy last night, with elements of comedy, horror, and horror comedy. Skin was bared. Bread products were given. A very important body part was removed. Then, out of nowhere THAT SONG. Oh god, that song.

Spoilers after the jump.

Riverrun! You know that big castle that figures prominently in books one, two, three, and four? It’s finally in the show now. In season three. Also at Riverrun…

The Blackfish! Caetlyn’s dad has died, and the Tully’s have Viking-esque funerals. In the first mainly silent scene of the show, an archer attempts to ignite the floating bier with a flaming arrow. He misses. And misses again. And again. Awkward shuffling ensues, and there is no awkward more awkward than awkwardness at a funeral (trust me on this). A grizzled, crusty-looking guy shoved the deficient archer out of the way, grabbed the bow, and lit up dead guy with one shot, and didn’t even bother to look. Hi there, Blackfish. That was a damn fine entrance.

Robb: Super effective. Robb’s defining quality is that he’s a good general, and a bad everything else. Last night, as he was berating a subordinate about the war’s overall strategy, he showed off his skill as a military commander. That still doesn’t make him a good king, though.

A game of chairs. Chairs are a lot like thrones, except less fancy, and not made out of swords. In the second big silent scene of the evening Tywin, Varys, Littlefinger, Maester Luwin, and Tyrion all scowled at each other and passive-aggressively worked out who would sit in what chair on the small council. In a nice little “fuck you” to his dad, Tyrion moved his chair from a low spot (being farthest away from the Hand) to a high one (being at one of the table’s heads). Meanwhile, Littlefinger has been assigned to get hitched in the name of politics and diplomacy, and Tyrion is going to be Westeros’ new Ben Bernanke. Tyrion initially complained about being made Master of Coin, but that seems to be a fairly powerful position. Littlefinger has done very well for himself as the kingdom’s chief financial officer, after all. It’s a downgrade from being Hand, but it’s by no means nothing job.

The Bear and the Maiden Fair. The Brotherhood Without Banners was singing that jaunty tune that everyone who’s read the series is all too familiar with. A member of my viewing party said “that fucking song.” That fucking song, indeed.

Arya got a bread wolf! That was cute. Given that the series is often overly dour, seeing glimmers of humor in the adaptation is a welcome change.

Sam, don’t just walk in on people giving birth. That’s weird. Giving birth is kind of a personal thing. Samwell Tarly got kind of stalker-y last night, just sort of staring at one of Craster’s “wives” birthing a son. Did this bother anyone else? Just walking on in there, staring at some labor pains. Creeper move, dude.

Melissandre and Stannis have a tiff. Game of Thrones has frequently told Song of Ice and Fire’s Subtext “fuck you, subtext- you’re text now.” Stannis and Melissandre have always given off a kind of “are they or aren’t they?” vibe in the books. Last night’s episode chucked out all pretense of ambiguity and made it abundantly clear that not only are Stannis and Melissandre doin’ it, but that Stannis’ “fires burn low.” Ouch.

Daenerys Targaryn: Starting to be cool. Dany did some pretty hard negotiating last night, offering a dragon to some slavers in exchange for an army. Yes. Yes. This is building up to one of the best scenes in the whole series. Don't fuck this up, TV version. Don't fuck it up.

Dead horse art. I guess Damien Hirst lives north of the Wall. Also, why don't Mance Rayder and his guys have hats? They are in a cold place. Hats would be helpful.

Podrick Payne: The number one lover man in his particular postal district. I love Pod. For no real reason that I can pin down, I think the little guy's a hugely endearing minor character. He saves Tyrion, isn't involved in bullshit intrigue, and generally seems to be a good dude. Having him get deflowered by multiple hookers (one of whom was a contortionist) was dumb and gratuitous, but so over the top that it kind of worked. Having Tyrion and Bronn chat him up later about how it went was priceless, and briefly turned one of the bloodiest shows on television into a fun buddy comedy.

Ladies and Gentlemen... THE HOLD STEADY! Jaime Lannister lost his hand last night, kicking off the TV version of one of the best character arcs in A Song of Ice and Fire. We knew it was coming, but not how'd they pull it off. I doubt anyone suspected that A Game of Thrones would portray it like something out of an Evil Dead movie. Jaime laid his hand on the block, a dude chopped it off with a frightening-looking knife, and after a second or two of bloody screaming, Irish-flavored punk music started playing over the credits. It was the Hold Steady, performing a revved-up cover of The Bear and the Maiden Fair.

"What the fuck?" said a member of my viewing party, "that was like something out of a Sam Raimi movie." The sudden violence and peppy music wouldn't have been at all out of place in Evil Dead movie, and apparently that was intentional. Last night on Twitter the Mercury's Bobby Roberts helpfully pointed out that the sudden violence juxtaposed with fun-tastic music was inspired by John Landis' An American Werewolf in London.

Speaking of which:

Has it occurred to anyone else that his arc is the exact same as Spike's from Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Both are evil, handsome blonde dudes with crazy girlfriends, both of them have their source of power neutralized, both have redemptive arcs where they learn to not be total douche-holes, and both of them learn how to de-jerk themselves in large part by hanging out with ladies who could probably kick their ass. Each become lovable bad boys who struggle with their past deeds, and each have to wrangle with their past and be really good looking while doing so.

There you have it: Jaime Lannister is Spike from Buffy. That's my amazing insight for the day. You're welcome. See you next week, and here's the bear song.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: On the Road Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 13:29:10 -0700

Last night's Game of Thrones was a road movie. Robb set out for Riverrun, Breanne and Jaime stomped through the wilderness, Arya and Gendry met some forest guys, Jon and Sam walked through snow to somewhere, and Bran is having weird dreams while being wagon-ed about by Hodor. Road movies, though, aren't about the destination (you know that already, though) they're about the journey, man. Last night it looked like everyone learned a thing or two. About the world around them, about their traveling companions, and about themselves. Yeah.

Spoilers after the jump.

Bran can walk! Wait, no he can’t. The opening sequence was a kind of vision-quest dream thingy wherein Bran met a triple-eyed bird that would not be out of place on the mural of a Hawthorne head shop. Osha, being full of all kinds of noble savage nature wisdom says “The raven is you!” Holy shit, people. That is some deep Castenada-level insight right there. Hodor.

Someone mentioned Riverrun! You, know Riverrun. That big castle from the books that the show’s been ignoring? I guess they’re going to go there maybe. It’s fine if they don’t, though, given that the Tullys are boring. Anyway, Robb's going there now, in case you cared about Robb. Which you shouldn't.

Theon’s very bad day. We’ve seen a lot of Theon Greyjoy not wearing clothing. Usually with ladies. This time it was not with a lady. It was with a knife-y torture dude. Theon asked him “what do you want?” and the torturer said “I want to do this!” before going at his hand with a knife. I’ve gotta hand it to him- that was a clever answer.

Yup, that’s Jaime Lannister peeing. Thanks for that, HBO. Was anyone else getting an R2 and 3PO vibe from Breanne and Jaime? She’s big, shiny, yellowish, and uptight. He’s shorter, wittier, and doesn’t have use of his arms. Anyone else? Just me? Anyway, I hate book Breanne, but I’m beginning to like TV Breanne alright. The banter that she has with Jaime has worked pretty well as a source of comic relief and exposition, and I could totally buy these two teaming up to fight bad guys. Most memorable line: “It’s a shame the throne isn’t made out of cocks, they’d have never gotten [Renly] off of it.” As we speak someone on the Internet is photoshopping a throne made of dildos. (Confidential to people who've read the books. Anyone thinking that that's the crossbow that's used to, you know, do a thing later? You know what I mean.) Speaking of gay stuff:

Joffrey doesn’t like flowers. Someone’s got a case of the not-gays! Joffrey seems to have a little more agency now, and is less of just a petulant child. He’s a monstrous adolescent, but he also seems to be growing into being a monstrous young man. Last night as he was throwing a fit about his king clothes and vainly gazing upon his Lannister crimson, and telling off his mother we got a little glimmer of what he’d be like as a full-grown douche-bro.

Later in the episode Margaery confronts him and he shows her his not at all symbolic crossbow. Their verbal sparring was deftly done. Joffrey was all pissed and nasty because Margaery married Renly, but Ms. Tyrell succeeded in giving him the runaround and ended up charming the pants off the nasty little snot. Of special note: Joffrey is a homophobe, and has pondered banning gayness. Margaery says that she suspected Renly was gay because the one time he wanted to do her, it was in the butt. Yes, gay dudes are just big old butt lovers who just want to put some dick in some butt because gay. If Dan Savage was watching, he probably rolled an eye or two.

Olenna, the Queen of Thorns, wants her damn cheese. The Tyrells are up to something. After renly got greased by Stannis’ creepy shadow assassin, it’s time for Plan B, which looks to involve less swording and more scheming. Olenna, an awesome old lady whom I would totally eat lemon cakes with, seems to be the schemer-in-chief, worming info out of Sansa about Joffrey. She was asking whether or not Joffrey was nice to Sansa, and ostensibly whether he’d be good to Margaery, but I think there’s another layer here. Olenna Redwyne probably also wants to know if the little shit can be manipulated by a strong Hand or a strong Queen.

Meanwhile, in Magical Iceland… Jon Snow met a giant last week. Cool! This week he happened upon a warg, a guy who can hijack the minds of animals and see through their eyes. Just like last week, I like it how the show introduces the fantasy elements in a matter-of-fact manner without a bunch of fanfare. Later on, we return to Bran and he meets Jojen and Meera Reed, a pair of magical forest kids who know all about wargs. We immediately know their special because they can make Bran’s direwolf chill out just by saying hi. Jojen (because he’s a magical forest kid) figures out that Bran uses warg powers on Hodor, like Hodor’s a bird or something. That’s kind of fucked up, Bran.

Sam! That guy’s telling you to lie down and rest! Don’t do it! He’s trying to insult you to death!

It’s Robin Hood! Okay, it’s Thoros of Myr and the Brotherhood Without Borders. Arya, Gendry, and their fat friend meet up with a merry band who, I guess, just sort of vagabond about and talk about all the borders they don’t have. Thoros seems fun, but I think his de-swording of Arya was a little harsh. She’s a little girl, dude. Way to out-fence a kid. Anyway, they found the Hound, and he promptly blew Arya’s cover. “What in seven hells are you doing with a Stark bitch?” UH-OH!

Tyrion did it with Ros. Just in case you were wondering.

Back to R2 and 3PO… Jaime, because he’s all clever and stuff, manages to steal one of Breanne’s swords (apparently they have two) and then fighting time! Remember all the tension, banter and verbal sparring? Now it’s real sparring! They go at it for a few moments, and each seems to respect the others swordspersonship, but then some Boltons (the same guys who are torturing Theon) show up. Uh-oh! It looks like a certain pair of belligerent blonde people need to set aside their differences and unite against a common enemy! D’AWWWW!

I guess that episode was okay. I hope the next one has more Tyrion and fighting, though.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: Board Setup Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 01 Apr 2013 13:29:52 -0700

Before any board game, you have to set up the pieces. Maybe you’re arranging army tokens all over a Risk board or distributing resources all over a Settlers of Catan map, but inherent in that setup phase is suspense and conjecture. You’re trying to guess, from the setup, what the players are going to do and where the pieces are going to move. You’re looking for points of potential conflict and areas of difficulty. Maybe in this game of Risk everyone will be fighting over Africa. Perhaps in this go of Catan the players will all be squabbling over sheep. You don’t know yet- but you’re squinting at the board and trying to make a guess.

That was last night’s episode of Game of Thrones- chessmen were lined up, points of conflict were defined, and all the players were staring at the board, wondering where this was all going to go. It wasn’t exactly filled with blood and battles, but as setups go, it did the job.

Spoilers after the jump.

Tiny Winterfell is now tiny on fire. Game of Thrones has, bar none, the single best title sequence of any television show that has ever been made, ever, and that's mainly because it's dynamic. The tiny castles change from episode to episode and give the viewer something of a preview of where shit is going to go down for the next hour. Winterfell, one of the only castles to appear in every title sequence, has been one of the more static fixtures of the credits, but that changed last night. The Stark stronghold, a smoking ruin in the show, is now a smoking ruin in the title sequence as well.

GIANT! At the end of last season Night's Watchman/boring person Jon Snow went into deep cover to infiltrate the wildlings, a group of lawless snow hippies who frequently pillage civilization. (They are led, by the way, by a guy called Mance Rayder, presumably named for his love of raiding manses.) During his time at Snowy Burning Man, Snow happened upon a giant who had joined up with the wildlings. The giant wasn't presented with a lot of fanfare or whatnot, and it continued Game of Thrones' habit of presenting fantasy elements in a matter-of-fact way. Suddenly there's a giant. Not a huge deal. Just a giant. Hanging out. Driving posts into the ground. That was cool. On the other hand, though, did anyone else think that his eyebrow makeup looked just a little too Star Trek-y?

DRAGONS DRAGONS DRAGONS DRAGONS! And, on the complete opposite of the spectrum we've got Daenerys' dragons. These little guys are accompanied by swooping camerawork, music, aerial acrobatics, splashing oceanic vistas, and bright orange sails. You can tell that the show creators want us to go "HOLY SHIT DRAGONS!" every time we see the dragons. As an unapologetic Daenerys fanboy, I'm fine with this, even if things do get kind of Pern-y now and then.

Meanwhile, where sex is happening... There was no reason for our first shot of the events in King's Landing to be Bronn-based sexytimes. None. Last night's boobage was wholly and completely gratuitous, but whatever. Bronn continues to be a great source of comic relief, and his rapport with Tyrion remains the best dialogue in the show. Tyrion, for his part, has gotten screwed in all the bad ways. He saved the Lannister regime, and gets nothing for it but scars and contempt.

I was curious about how they were going to handle Tyrion's scars from the Battle of Blackwater. In the book, most of his face is fucked up and his nose is gone. Here, the've given him more of a sexy scar that isn't all that grotesque at all. They even lampshaded this when Cersei said “they said you lost your nose, but it’s not as gruesome as all that.” In any case, the adaptation works. Even though Dinklage still has his whole nose, the tone of the book has been preserved. The other Lannisters, particular his father, Tywin, have nothing but condemnation and resentment for him after he saved all of their asses. Talk about daddy issues. I'm sure the Lannisters will resolve their family problems peacefully, though.

I love Salladhor Saan now. Speaking of adaptation: There really isn't anything to book Salladhor. He's some guy with ships who shows up and fights for Stannis because, hey, he's a pirate and wants the cash. That's it. TV Salladhor is great, though. He seemed at ease with himself, funny, and piratical as fuck. I want to see a show where he's the main character, raiding ports, sinking ships, and getting sweet-ass animal skins for his captain's cabin. Davos, meanwhile, talked back to Melissandre and got thrown into a dungeon. How's that for gratitude? At least Tyrion wasn't locked up.

Margaery VS Cersei: FIGHT! I'm looking forward to this. If last night's episode is any indication, we have a whole lot of subtle insults, slights, and catty asides to look forward to. The game, after all, isn't just played on the battlefield.

Barristan! I love Barristan Selmy. He's like your crusty old uncle who tells you about 'Nam and actually takes Flag Day seriously but isn't a dick about it. Instead, it comes off as charming and principled. He joined up with Daenerys last night, saving her from a kiddie assassin. Oh, Barristan. Please don't die horribly.

All the pieces are in place. Tyrion and the rest of the Lannisters. Davos and Melissandre. Margaery and Cersei. Daenerys and whoever tried to kill her. Conflicts are imminent. The players are ready. Let's do this.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Blu-ray Review: Season Two of Game of Thrones

Erik Henriksen — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 10:44:57 -0700

The third season of Game of Thrones starts on Sunday night, which means you've got just enough time to burn through season two once more—or, fine, for the first time, if, for whatever stupid reason, you haven't yet done so. The best way to do that? The impressive Blu-ray set, which, like the first season's, is a remarkable package. Few shows are as well-suited for in-depth obsessing-over as Game of Thrones, and these Blu-rays not only help you do that, they pretty much demand it.

I'll try to remain spoiler free below, but if you're nervous all the same, here's the short version: Unlike about 99 percent of Blu-rays, these are an excellent investment. If you like the show, you should get them; if you haven't started watching it yet, well, these are the way to start.

If there's one thing that stood out to me about the second season of Game of Thrones, it's how much of this season's story and emotional heft are carried by the female characters: Game of Thrones has never lacked for female characters (or hell, characters in general), but this season of the show was the first that dramatically improved characters who had been lacking in the books, particularly Sansa Stark (a sniveling moron in the books, but an increasingly nuanced and sympathetic player in the show), Cersei Lannister (who, as in season one, benefits not only from an excellent turn by actress Lena Headey, but also from writing that gives her significantly more depth and humanity than the books), and Margaery Tyrell, who I can barely remember from the books, but here becomes herself one of show's canniest connivers. Catelyn and Arya Stark continue to be predictable badasses (as, to a lesser extent, is newcomer Ygritte), while the appearance of Yara Greyjoy—AKA the books' Asha Greyjoy—almost singlehandedly makes one of Westeros' houses, the Grumpy Gus Greyjoys, about 10 times more interesting.

Don't get me wrong: This season is even better than the first, and most of that is due to the simple but effective escalation of the stakes, not to mention the fact that the vast majority of characters are interesting, smart people doing their best to survive. But it's also better because we now get to know these characters better, and, for whatever reason, the female characters have seemed to benefit the most from that, at least in these 10 episodes. (That said, not all the female characters win out: Daenerys still just does the same kinda interesting/kinda boring stuff she's always doing, which is complaining and vowing vengeance and worrying about her dragons—this should improve in season three—while Brienne of Tarth is as blandly one-dimensional as she is in the books.) It all builds to a hell of a conclusion—one that lacks season one's shock value, but sets characters up in far more interesting positions for the upcoming season.

The episodes all look and sound great, as is to be expected, but it's the special features that make the discs worth picking up: Like the first season, the "Histories & Lore" features go through the complicated, never-ending history and legends of the lands where Game of Thrones takes place, with animated visuals accompanied by in-character voiceovers from the cast. (A few of them feature multiple characters talking about the same events, with their differing and conflicting perspectives intact.) Meanwhile, the "War of the Five Kings" feature walks you through each of the armies' advancements and plans on a step-by-step basis—something that show simply wasn't able to do. As the episodes play out, you just know a whole bunch of dudes are fighting; thanks to this interactive guide, you can see where their armies are going, how they're strategizing, and who's winning and losing—all while following along with the season's larger narrative. It's some deep nerdery, to be sure, but it adds a whole lot of depth and clarity.

Speaking of battles, my favorite feature on these is the half-hour-long "Creating the Battle of Blackwater Bay," which delves into the technical aspects of making the season's best episode, "Blackwater," including interviews with writer George R.R. Martin, director Neil Marshall (The Descent, Doomsday) and showrunners David Benioff and D. B. Weiss. Granted the time and the money that they didn't have in the first season, Benioff and Weiss more or less went all-out to make this, the first full-on battle seen in the show, a big deal. Thanks to a script by Martin and Marshall's well-honed instincts for intense action, it doesn't disappoint.

There's some other good stuff here—commentaries, an in-episode guide to help keep things clear, a rundown on the different religions of characters in the show, and a roundtable discussion between Benioff, Weiss, and a few of the show's actors. These aren't as memorable as the other features, but they still do what special features are ideally supposed to do, yet rarely pull off: Enhancing the experience of something that's already pretty great.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

New Trailer for Game of Thrones

Erik Henriksen — Tue, 11 Dec 2012 15:57:33 -0800

I would watch this.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

This Game of Thrones Ad Shows Absolutely Nothing, I Don't Care

Erik Henriksen — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 16:26:54 -0800

I mean, don't get me wrong: I'd rather have an ad that shows actual footage, possibly with the tagline "SEASON THREE IS GONNA BE INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNE UP IN WESTEROS," but apparently HBO feels otherwise. Fine, whatever, HBO. This will suffice, I guess. FOR NOW.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Only 136 Days Until Game of Thrones Comes Back!

Erik Henriksen — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 15:44:40 -0800

Eh. It's a shorter wait than it is until the next book, at least. Via io9.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Hey, Here's a Book You Can Buy Me!

Erik Henriksen — Wed, 08 Aug 2012 10:59:11 -0700

Holy christ Game of Thrones STILL ISN'T BACK ON because they're apparently taking as long to make the TV show as George R.R. Martin takes to write each book, which is to say 24 billion years. But here's something you can buy me in order to keep me from being miserable company until 2047, when season three starts! Inside HBO's Game of Thrones comes out next month and will feature "Hundreds of set photos, production and costume designs, storyboards, and insider stories" and is "bound in a lavishly debossed padded cover"—meaning I can use it as a pillow so that I'll dream about Ygritte every night! Haha, just kidding, that'd be weird. I already dream about Ygritte every night.

Via Not a Blog, also known as "That LiveJournal Where George R.R. Martin Posts Animated .gifs of Little Aliens In Order to Describe His Moods."

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: The Videogame Edition

Erik Henriksen — Wed, 27 Jun 2012 16:44:23 -0700

1) I'd hoped to do a full, thorough review of the Game of Thrones videogame that came out a few weeks ago; the game's release was timed perfectly with the ending of the show's second season, and since the Great Bearded Glacier's next book is probably a couple of decades away—

—I'd assumed a lengthy, sleep-depriving visit to Westeros via my Xbox would be a foregone conclusion. However:

2) The Game of Thrones videogame is remarkably mediocre; after having it for several weeks, I still haven't managed to force myself to play much of it. It's a chore, and while I might be a Thrones junkie, I'd like to think even junkies have their limits.

3) Okay, maybe that's a bit harsh. The game isn't terrible, and once you get past its dated graphics, bland quests, clunky combat, and bare-bones presentation—the game frequently looks like it's from the last console generation, not this one, and there's a severe lack of polish to the interface and menus, where you have to spend a lot of time—there are some good ideas here. For example: When you pick your abilities, you also have to pick a set of weaknesses. (I picked a collapsed lung! Because I had one of those once! IT'S LIKE I'M LIVING THE GAME) Or: George R.R. Martin helped out on story. Or: You can tell that the developers at Cyanide dig the books' universe; the graphics might not be much, but the style and the color palette do a solid job of matching what Westeros should feel like.

4) Well, what the books' version of Westeros should feel like, anyway; while there are some elements here from the HBO show—the theme song, a few of the actors, but not any of the ones you care about—most of them feel like they were tacked on at the last-minute. Cyanide reportedly worked on this game for seven years, which maybe explains why it feels so dated; it also might explain why the newer, HBO-approved elements stand out like Varys at a whorehouse.

5) Skyrim kind of ruined things for big dark fantasy RPGs, didn't it? Hell, compared to Game of Thrones, Dragon Age kind of ruined things. Both of those games—both of them bigger, both of them far more popular—clearly took a lot of inspiration from Martin's books, but here's the thing: Both of them do it better than the official game does. If I'm gonna spend $60 on an RPG and sink more than a handful of hours into it, I want the one that's going to feel most like the experience I'm aiming for. Neither Skyrim nor Dragon Age are actual Game of Thrones games, but tell me wandering around in the northern regions of Skyrim doesn't feel a whole lot more like the North of Westeros than anything in this game does, or click through a few conversations in Dragon Age and tell me the dialogue and the nuance doesn't ring truer to A Song of Ice and Fire than the long-winded, simplified interactions here. Game of Thrones might have the ™ on the cover, but if you squint a bit, there are better Game of Thrones games out there.

6) So I guess that's it: I would've loved to give you guys a thorough review of Game of Thrones, 'cause I'd have loved to thoroughly play Game of Thrones. But life's too short and RPGs are too long; and when I've got the urge to hang out in Westeros for a while, both the books and the TV series are better ways to do it. If you've played the whole thing and disagree, I'd love to have you weigh in on the comments—maybe Game of Thrones really turns around in its second half; maybe the story gets good enough to make up for its muddy look and clumsy, repetitive gameplay. But shit, I waded through all those damn Brienne chapters in A Feast for Crows. I think I've done my time when it comes to less-than-great Game of Thrones stuff. I don't want to have to do even more of it in a videogame, and certainly not one that feels this stilted.

7) This post ended up both being longer and meaner than I thought it would.

8) Oh! There isn't a Joffrey slapping minigame. This seems like something that would've been super easy to implement, right? And totally worth $60.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

BUY ME THIS

Erik Henriksen — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 16:14:38 -0700

It can be sent directly to me at the Mercury, and I shall place it in the center of the office, on a raised dais, and every word I write henceforth shall bear the authority of the King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm. I thank you in advance.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: Miniature Flamethrowers of Adorable Death Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 04 Jun 2012 12:30:04 -0700

Game of Thrones' second season ended last night. I'm happy, because it was a good ending to a good season, but I'm also sad because Game of Thrones is over now. The whole thing was kind of a comedown after last week's immense Battle of the Blackwater, but the finale wrapped up several hanging plot threads and set things up nicely for season three.

Spoilers after the jump.

Hello, horse poop. Early in the episode we were treated to a closeup of Lord Tywin’s horse taking a sizable horse-dump on the floor of the Red Keep. After evacuating it’s bowels, the horse strode on into the throne room, where all manner of metaphorical horseshit was about to go down.

Okay, I get it, Game of Thrones. Yeah, I know Kundera said that kitsch was the denial of shit, and the playacting going on in Joffrey’s court is shit denial of the highest level. He praises his grandfather, Littlefinger, and Ser Loras, but pointedly leaves out Tyrion, the man who actually saved King’s Landing. The feigned emotional agonizing with Margaery and Sansa is obviously rehearsed, and even though there is an actual pile of shit that came out of a horsey butt just outside the door, the really vile horseshit is actually amongst the king and his several courtiers. So yeah, I got what you’re going for Game of Thrones, but did you still need to show us a closeup of equine excrement? That was a bit gratuitous.

Varys has no dick. Just in case you forgot.

Robb married Talisa. Robb Stark forsook his vows to the Freys and eloped with someone else. I'm sure Walder Frey will be fine with this, as he's a reasonable and understanding gentleman.

Brienne and Jaime have a wacky adventure. Get ready for a whole storyline wherein people who don't like each other are put into an extraordinary situation, have to work together, and then learn a little something each other, and life, in the process.

“Thank you wise bald man.” Oh, Theon. Maester Luwin was absolutely right- Theon is not who he's pretending to be. He's essentially an adopted northerner, playing at being a proper Greyjoy. My viewing party laughed audibly when Theon got whacked on the head by one of his own men after attempting an inspiring speech- he had it coming.

NOOOO! NOT THE WISE BALD MAN! So, I'm a little unclear as to who actually burned Winterfell. Obviously we see the Ironmen kill Maester Luwin, but Roose Bolton has been onscreen multiple times this season, and Ramsay has been alluded to. Hopefully they'll clear that up next season. Reek. Rhymes with "geek."

“These bad people are what I’m good at… And I like it." Poor Tyrion. For saving the collective bacon of everyone in King's Landing, he gets put into a tiny cell where bearded superdouche Grand Maester Pycelle gets to chuckled at him evilly. Shae suggested that they move to Pentos where they could "eat, drink, fuck, live," which sounds like a pretty good deal to me. But, he sticks around. Shae really does seem to feel for him. I'm sure their relationship will go great, and they'll be really happy and have lots of babies.

Valar Morghulis. Jaqen H'ghar's transformation was suitably subtle and creepy, and Arya is nicely on her way to becoming everyone's favorite murder kiddo. I've heard lots of people complain about how her story has been compressed- it hasn't bothered me.

NOOOO! NOT HALFHAND! Okay, so that happened.

Another reason to hate Stannis. He choked his girlfriend. Not cool, Stannis. The Stannis/Melissandre scene, though, did add a bit of depth to their relationship. He does not believe her unreservedly, and does have his doubts about serving the Red God. However, he's desperate, and will latch onto anything that will give him even a little bit more power.

Finally, the House of the Undying. I’d been waiting for Daenerys’ trip to the House of the Undying for a good hunk of the season, and I have mixed-ish feelings about how it actually played out. In the books, Daenerys’ trip through the mystical otherworld has all kinds of eerie foreshadowing, particularly for an dramatic event whose name rhymes with “bread bedding.” As they’re described in the books, though, the imagery is kind of impenetrable unless you know what to look for. Had the same images played out on TV with certain actors in… particular circumstances, the viewer would have immediately known what was going to happen. The book section is cryptic because Dany, and therefore the reader, who’s getting things from her perspective, doesn’t know who anyone in the images is. On TV, though, there could have been no such subtlety, so I understand why they left it out.

However, showing Daenerys in front of the Iron Throne and surrounded by the winds of winter did put her into perspective. HBO’s House of the Undying sequence did accomplish the exact same end as the book sequence, in that it found a way to emphasize Daenerys’ importance in the grand scheme of things.

“Maybe I told the Great Stallion to go fuck himself.” It was nice to see Jason Momoa back as Khal Drogo, even if it was just as a vision in Daenerys’ creepy magic-trip. Drogo and Daenerys do actually seem kind of smoopy and romantical together, and I can totally buy the Khal being a vicious killer by day and a strong yet tender lover man by night. For her part, Daenerys seems to have incorporated some Drogo-ness into her own personality. By the end of the episode, she was crushing her enemies and taking their stuff. Hopefully, the Khaleesi will continue to fuck shit up in season three, as she’s had almost nothing to do this season other than say “My dragons, my dragons!” over and over again. Speaking of which…

Minature flamethrowers of adorable death! Okay, if you’re actually reading this, you’re probably a Game of Thrones fan. We’re all friends here and… did anyone think that Daenerys’ dragons burning the warlock was sort of cool, but also sort of cheesy? I love me some tiny little flame spewing mini pets, but that particular scene seemed to step a toe over into Anne McCaffrey territory. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I’m very happy to see that they’ve busted out the power of the dragons early.

HOLY SHIT ZOMBIES. This show has zombies. That’s kind of easy to forget.

I am very distraught that season three does not exist now. We have to wait a whole year or something for more Game of Thrones. This is highly disappointing. In the meantime, the folks at the A.V. Club put together an excellent essay on the show's second season. Effusive commenter Graham also alerted me to an interview that Jack Gleeson, who plays Joffrey, gave to GQ. Apparently in real life, he's not an irredeemably evil person.

See you next season. In the meantime, I'll be playing lots of Battles of Westeros and wildly speculating about the release date of The Winds of Winter.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: KABOOM! STAB! HACK! SLICE! Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 28 May 2012 12:30:50 -0700

I was a little worried about Blackwater, last night’s episode of Game of Thrones. The Siege of King’s Landing is no small thing, and I was wondering if HBO was going to be up to the task portraying a gigantic battle filled to the brim with boats and fire and dudes with swords. As much violence and fighting as Game of Thrones has had so far, none of it has been on any kind of grand scale. Battles have been talked about and edited around, but never has the camera really gone into the thick of it. This was new territory for the show. Was Game of Thrones up to the task?

Yes. Yes it was.

Spoilers (and way too much excitement) after the jump.

Adaptation! George R. R. Martin wrote this episode, and it’s great to see a creator successfully adapting his own work for a different medium. The Battle of Blackwater on TV was very different than in the books, but Martin seems to know it has to be different. What works in one medium doesn’t necessarily carry over into another. He knows it. He’s on board with all the changes, all of which seem to still seem Ice and Fire-y.

Good Hands, bad kings. Tyrion and Davos (whom one of my viewing companions refers to as "Not Ned") are both sympathetic characters serving terrible kings. The Battle of Blackwater is something where the viewer or reader can root both for and against each side simultaneously. Either side winning means that a horrible monarch's position is strengthened, and a good Hand's plans have been defeated. One can take in the grand spectacle of death and violence and good guys/bad guys business getting in the way.

“You can’t fuck your way out of everything” “I have so far.” Tyrion and Shae seem to have an actual relationship- Shae even seemed to feel something for Tyrion when he wasn't present. That is so, so sad.

TV Bronn has officially become way better than Book Bronn Jerome Flynn has turned Bronn into one of the standout comic relief characters of the show, and I'm really looking forward to how Bronn's storyline plays out next season. The show almost treated us to a Bronn vs. Hound fight, but then cut it off at the last minute. Not fair, show. Not fair.

FUCKING AWESOME GREEN FIERY EXPLOSION! Tyrion dealt with Stannis’ fleet in a characterisitically Tyrion way- with superior tactics and technology. Had the whole thing been up to Joffrey, he'd have just charged in and gotten everyone killed. Tyrion, though, is smart enough to know when to judiciously apply explodey wildfire (you can tell it's magical, because it's green). The destruction of Stannis' ships was quite satisfying, in no small part because it was a massive, fiery demonstration of Tyrion's ingenuity. The explosions, the green flames, all of it- it looked like what would happen if Hal Jordan suddenly decided he really hated boats.

I liked Sansa in this episode. Guys, I LIKED SANSA. She talked back to Joffrey, Tyrion, and Cersei. She wasn't passive or annoying and I actually felt bad for her. This "not disliking Sansa" thing is a new feeling for me. I'm not sure I know how to deal with it.

LANCEL, YOU LITTLE BITCH. Worst Lannister ever.

Bloody fantastic violence porn! If you're a sick bastard who likes blood (such as myself), Blackwater had much to offer. Guys had their faces crushed by rocks, the Hound bisected people in a staggeringly unrealistic fashion, a dude got the top of his head sliced away, and Tyrion chopped a soldier's lower leg off. At one point there was a guy who was on fire. On fire! It was great. Then Bronn shot him. Hell yeah. There was blood and blood and death and YEAH! (I know- I am a bad person for enjoying that kind of thing.)

“Fuck the Kingsguard, fuck the city, and fuck you.” The Hound ragequit the Kingsguard and offered to take Sansa to Winterfell. I think that Sandor identifies with Sansa because they've both been used and victimized, often by the same people. As much as he's an unstoppable juggernaut in battle, the Hound has been just as pushed around as Sansa.

Drunk Cersei seems fun. I'll bet she's a hit at parties.

You’re a sniveling coward, Joffrey. Actually, I liked that Joffrey was shown in a moment of fear. He is, after all, still a boy, and he did what lots of scared kids would do when given a way out- he took it.

Stannis, wear your damn helmet. As much as I think that Stannis is a horrible ass, I have to give him credit for wading into battle with his men. I also wished that he'd put on a helmet. Seriously, Stannis. Guys are throwing rocks at you.

“There are brave men knocking at our door. Let’s go kill them!” Tyrion has proved his worth as a manipulator and administrator, but not really as an inspiring leader who gets people going. Last night, however, Coach Tyrion gamely inspired the citizens of King’s Landing to go out there and win it. Clear eyes, full hearts, long stabby swords!

GO, PODRICK! YEAH. I like Podrick. Two people with whom I was watching the show had not read the books, and were noticeably shocked when a member of the Kingsguard sliced Tyrion across the face. They also jumped when Pod stabbed the guy. "What the fuck was that?" asked one of my uninitiated friends. I just grinned at him.

So, did HBO pull off staging a huge battle? Absolutely. It wasn't as gut-punchingly amazing as, say, the Helm's Deep section of The Two Towers, but still... the battle was a thing to behold on the small screen, and I'm impressed that it even existed in the first place. My only complaint about the Blackwater: Not enough Davos. The season finale is next week. We'll be back with Jon, Arya, and Daenerys, and Dany will finally see about getting her damn dragons back. That should be... interesting.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: Calm Before the Storm Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 21 May 2012 12:44:00 -0700

Last night's Game of Thrones episode was another hour of setup. There wasn't much in the way big, important events—it was a lot of anticipation for next week. Stannis' fleet is on the way to King's Landing, and this was the calm before the storm. Things are going to go boom, but first all the pieces need to be set up.

Spoilers, after the jump.

Oh, there you are, Halfhand! So we are doing that. Good.

Dammit, Catelyn. Mamma Stark let Jaime go, with the hopes that the Lannisters would give back Arya and Sansa. I've never understood why she did this in the books, and it was even more awkward last night. In the previous episode Catelyn called Jaime a "man without honor." Now she expects him and his to play by the rules and giver her daughters back. I'm sorry, it just doesn't work.

“You were a terrible baby.” HBO has so far done a very good job of expanding the role of Theon’s sister, and as much as I like their take on her, it still kind of hurts to think of her as “Yara.” Anyone who’s read the appendices of the various books knows that the series has just under a bajillion characters, and so far I've been very pleased with which characters have gotten screen time and which haven't. Asha/Yara is fun and interesting, and I welcome her additional prominence. If we never see the Tullys, I'm okay with that.

Humor! I’ve said before that A Song of Ice and Fire is many good things, but it is not especially funny. This episode, though, actually had several laugh lines. Even more remarkable, several of them were not spoken by Tyrion. My viewing party laughed audibly when Bronn went on about how cloaks are impractical, when multiple characters mispronounced a maester's name, and when Stannis expressed his approval of eating cats. Given that next week will likely be lots of bloody explosions, the levity was nice.

Robb and Talisa are now Special Naked Sexy Friends. Earlier in the episode Robb conveniently reminded Talisa (whom I still think of as “Not Jeyne”) that he’s betrothed to a Frey. In an unrelated scene, Cersei went on about how men think with their dicks. Soon after, Robb went and proved Cersei right, forsaking the marital commitments he made in the name of strategy and geopolitics all so he could do the no-pants-dance with the nice lady from Volantis.

I don’t miss Jeyne Westerling. In the books, she’s an utterly blank character who just kind of shows up out of nowhere, and Talisa is a pretty solid upgrade. It was also kind of a relief to see a sex scene in Game of Thrones that didn’t involve prostitution, rape, or Theon Greyjoy. Seeing two people having sex because they actually like each other is a rare thing for the series.

Dammit, Tywin. Lord Tywin has done all sorts of terrible things. He’s overseen a war that’s ravaged the countryside of Westeros and ended or upended the lives of thousands. Last night, though, he did the first thing that made me dislike him: He hurt Arya’s feelings. She seemed genuinely disappointed that he wouldn't be retaining her as a servant, and they wouldn't have any more of their little talks. Shame—I really enjoyed the interplay between Arya and Tywin.

Darth Wilding! It’s oft commented that Game of Thrones feels more like historical fiction than fantasy. The explicitly fantastic elements tend to be rare, dramatic, and dangerous, and because they’re used sparingly, magic and weirdness seem more alien and terrifying than they otherwise would. So far, the element of the show that most resembled conventional fantasy has not been the dragons, warlocks, or magic. No, the most fantasy genre thing from the show so far was Rattleshirt’s costume. Yeah, I know he looks like that in the book, and he’s supposed to be kind of bizarre and eccentric. However, a guy wearing lots of bones whose helmet is also a bone and who carries a bone staff and is known as the Lord of Bones is more at home in Frank Frazetta painting than on HBO.

Varys, stop saying “game!” We all get it. It’s like you’re almost saying the name of the show. Cut it out. It’s almost as bad as when Zeframe Cochrane said “So it’s like you guys are on some kind of star trek.” Remember that? That was awkward.

Bran and Rickon: Not dead. Even if you hadn't read the books, it was pretty obvious that Theon faked their deaths. Poor Theon. He is not good at being a Greyjoy.

My expectations are high for next week's episode, Blackwater. Stannis' fleet is on the way, and Tyrion is gearing up to meet him at King's Landing. As good as the show has been so far, it's been curiously lacking in big, showy, expensive battle sequences. Here's hoping the show is as good at blowing up boats as it is building up characters.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

In Which George R.R. Martin Finds Yet Another Way to Taunt and Anger His Fans

Erik Henriksen — Thu, 17 May 2012 09:59:40 -0700

The Game of Thrones RPG came out yesterday (we've got a review copy en route, and I'll blog some impressions once it shows up), but hey, look at this: A digital version of ~~author George R.R. Martin~~ "Maester Martin" from the game, where the bespectacled fellow awkwardly talks about how he's writing a history of Westeros and—oh ho ho!—he still hasn't finished writing it! But he will soon! He swears!

Get More: GameTrailers.com, Game of Thrones - Author Cameo Gameplay, PC Games, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360

So I'm guessing the point of this in-game encounter is that sometimes maesters will just straight up lie to your face. Lesson learned, Game of Thrones RPG. That said, hopefully your character will be able to smash the shit out of whatever wooden barrels Maester Martin has in his little hovel, in which you will no doubt find crudely scratched outlines for The Winds of Winter and A Dream of Spring and then BLOOP! ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: LEARNED JON SNOW'S PARENTAGE and SAD VALYRIAN TROMBONE NOISE! LEVEL FAILED: YOU CANNOT KILL THE SANSA AND/OR BRIENNE NPCS NO MATTER HOW ANNOYING THEY ARE OR HOW MUCH THEY KEEP DISTRACTING YOU FROM EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON IN WESTEROS THAT IS ACTUALLY OF INTEREST.

Via Topless Robot.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: Adaptable Adaptation Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 14 May 2012 12:59:51 -0700

Change is necessary in adaptations. What works well in print isn't going to necessarily work well on screen, and any successful adaptation has to make the source material its own. Last night's episode of Game of Thrones was probably the biggest departure from the books so far, and probably caused not a few fans of A Song of Ice and Fire to explode in fiery bouts of nerd rage. I enjoyed, it, though. HBO has altered a lot of the substance of the series, but in doing so they've left the spirit of the source material unaltered. If anything, the changes have largely made the TV series feel even more Game of Thrones-y, if that makes any sense.

Spoilers aplenty after the jump.

“It’s all just a game.”A little on the nose there, Theon.

“My father was Ned Stark.” Whatever, Jon.

Gregor Clegane: Now with dialogue! Kind of a departure from season one

More Tywin and Arya! Hurray! The rapport between these two has been one of the best bits of the season. I like to think that Tywin Lannister knows exactly who Arya Stark is, and he’s just messing with her, like she’s the world’s most dangerous cat toy. He probably knows damn well that she's thinking about killing him, but just kind of smirks and shrugs it off, because Tywin Lannister is just that steely and confident.

“It gives me joy to kill people.” Between the Hound going on about how killing is fun, and Jaime waxing poetic about battle, this episode kind of gives the impression that fighting is the greatest high ever, and knights are all adrenaline-crazed murder junkies.

“You know nothing, Jon Snow.” I hate this line. However, Rose Leslie delivered Ygritte’s precious catchphrase the least-bad possible way. As much as I dislike Book Ygritte, I kind of have to admit that I was sort of amused by TV Ygritte taunting Jon Snow. A life of celibacy is eminently mockable, after all. She’s still an annoying manic pixie dream girl, but so far it’s not nearly as severe as in the book. Also in the North…

Jon Snow is captured now? WHAT THE HELL? Are they just taking out the part where, you know, that really dramatic thing happens? You know: THAT. The big character-defining moment where Jon Snow has to do something really dangerous and difficult before he gets captured? They’re just taking that out? Um… okay. Where are you going with this, HBO?

OMG, THEY KILLED IRRI! I guess that’s fine- in both the books and the show, she was little more than Daenerys’ accessory. Still, I did not expect that.

Sansa and Cersei have The Talk. Lena Heady, who plays Cersei, has stated that she hasn't read any of Martin's books specifically so she can make TV Cersei her own. Last night, that was most apparent in the interaction between Cersei and Sansa. Book Cersei gives us only brief glimpses at a real human being. TV Cersei seems deeply sad, and far more tragic than the source material.

Who the hell is Alton Lannister? He seems have been summoned into existence by HBO simply to give Jaime someone to talk to this episode and… OH SHIT! JAIME JUST KILLED HIS FANBOY! Ew.

Warlocks are jerks. Dragon-stealing jerks. So far, I’m vastly preferring HBO’s version of Qarth to book Qarth. Daenery’s storyline in A Clash of Kings is not exactly the world’s most exciting jaunt. This, though… Wow. There's intrigue, contention, schemes, blood, magic, dragonnapping, and lot of jugular-slicing action. A straight-up adaptation of Daenerys' stay in Qarth would have been utterly boring to watch. HBO, wisely, has given us a little extra in the way of blood and drama. Also, was anyone else surprised by seeing the warlock suddenly bust out the creepy magic? That, along with Melisandre's shadow baby, has really driven home how deeply weird the arcane is in Game of Thrones.

Tyrion and Cersei had a moment. As enjoyable as they are as scheming adversaries, it’s nice to be reminded that they are, in fact, brother and sister, and there’s more to their relationship than just conniving and backstabbing. If anything, their familial intimacy makes the backstabbing all the more fun. They're not just rival politicians- they're squabbling siblings who've been at it since childhood.

“No matter what you do, you’re forsaking one vow or another.” I'm a big fan of Jaime, in both his book and TV incarnations. Now, even I have to admit that he was sort of a dick for defenestrating Bran, but he remains one of the most unfairly demonized characters in Westeros. He did everyone in Westeros a favor by killing the Mad King, and everyone with half a brain knows it. Robert's Rebellion was a collective instance of spurning loyalty for the sake of practicality. It was necessary, proper, and beneficial for the realm, but it was not honorable. Jaime, being the guy who actually sliced the king up, took the brunt of everyone else's dishonor. When he's in chains, my sympathies are more with him than with any of the Northmen.

Oh yeah, and Theon totally killed Bran and Rickon. Yup. They're dead. Totally dead. Never to be seen again. Immense tragedy, there. Yup. Totally sad and stuff.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: Blitheringly Excited Fanboy Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 07 May 2012 12:29:40 -0700

HOLY SEVERED LIMBS, BATMAN! Things happened! Lots and lots of things! The most recent episode of Game of Thrones made up for last week’s snoozer. This week- things happened, events transpired, and shit went down. It was easily the best installment so far of season two.

After the jump, I use way too many exclamation points. Also, there are spoilers.

Winterfell has Winter-fallen. Robb Stark was an idiot to send Theon to the Iron Islands. Balon Greyjoy is an insane Cthulhu-Viking who led a rebellion that got crushed by Ned Stark. How the hell did Robb think Greyjoy was going to react? Amicably? “Oh, hi, Balon! I’m Robb Stark. Yeah, you might remember me from that one time when my dad kicked your ass and kidnapped your son. Wanna become pals now? We can be battle-buddies and fight Lannisters!” Robb gave up Theon, his only real bargaining chip when it came to dealing with Greyjoy. If he wanted an alliance of convenience, he should have sent an expendable minor lord rather than his ace in the hole. Fortunately for Robb, though, Roose Bolton’s bastard is on the way to retake Winterfell. That will fix everything.

To be fair, Theon’s also an idiot. It’s clear from the opening scenes with Bran and the citizens of Winterfell that Theon has not exactly thought his invasion of Winterfell. He probably thought that everyone was going to be like “Oh, hi Theon! You’re invading us? Okay, cool. Nice to have you back! Do you want any hookers or biscuits?” Theon does not appear to be good at leading dudes, storming castles, or demanding surrenders. Archery, though- he’s pretty good at that.

Ser Roderik! Nooooo! Okay, even as an anti-Stark-ite, that kind of made me sad. HBO has given us a new and exciting reason to dislike Theon.

Ygritte is in the show now. Goddammit. Here’s hoping TV Ygritte is less of a manic pixie dream girl than Book Ygritte.

Bye, Myrcella! Have fun in Dorne! Enjoy being used as a pawn by your relatives in an elaborate dance of warfare and diplomacy! I’m sure she’ll have lots of fun in Dorne. I’ve heard it’s a nice place. Cersei does seem to genuinely care for her children, though. I don’t think Cersei is a wholly irredeemable monster- she's an awful human, sure, but she really does care for her kids. There's that, at least.

RIOT! Joffrey- ALSO AN IDIOT. His poor impulse control caused a riot to break out, and when the citizens of King’s Landing riot, they do it up. They don’t just smash windows and loot Starbucks- they rip limbs off dudes and hold them aloft over the undulating chaos. It was great to see the Hound in action again- he's one of the best ambiguous characters in the series.

Behold the mighty bitchslap of the Dinklage! Hey, remember that part where Tyrion smacked Joffrey? That was great.

“My dreams come true.” I have every reason to dislike Daenerys. I don’t. As illogical as it is to root for Princess Dragonpants, I can’t help but get in her corner. Maybe it’s because she had dragons. I like dragons.

Tywin and Arya have special boding time. Awww! I want Lord Tywin and Arya to team up and kill everyone. That would be utterly heartwarming.

Hi, Not-Jeyne. It looks that Robb’s interaction with a field medic was actually a meet-cute. It’s looking like she and Robb are on their way to sexy-town. I’m sure that will go well.

Dragon-napping! Nooooo! It looks like the creepy warlocks stole the cute dragons. INTERESTING!

Also i09 posted several short animations about the history of Westeros last week that were bundled onto the Blu-Ray set. They're worth a watch if you're a raving completist fanboy such as myself.

Highly looking forward to next week, where hopefully Detective Daenerys will solve the Mystery of the Missing Dragons. I AM SO EXCITED, GUYS. I love this show.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: PG-13 Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:30:54 -0700

Last night’s episode of Game of Thrones was very front-loaded. The most exciting thing to happen in the whole hour transpired in the first ten minutes. Not too much else in the way of action or excitement ended up transpiring. We didn’t even get any nudity. I'm so disappointed in you, Game of Thrones. You're the place that I go to for heaving bosoms, swinging dicks, torrents of arterial spray, and sundry severed limbs. Last night was all fall-outs and wind-ups, with very little sex or death- there was nothing that couldn't have been in a PG-13 film. However, the episode made pretty clear that later this season a substantial amount of things will be going "BOOM."

After the jump, there be spoilers.

RENLY! NO! Renly's gone. Stannis killed him. Or rather, Melissandre's spooky shadow-baby killed him. I've always thought that Renly's death was one of the real tragedies of the series. Everyone seemed to like him, he didn't seem like an unreasonable guy, and he would have probably been a pretty alright monarch. However, Stannis is a dick. Dammit, Stannis. You're the reason why we can't have nice things.

It's Magic Time! Despite Game of Thrones being a fantasy series, it's worth keeping in mind that the vast majority of people in Westeros and beyond do not believe in magic. For most people, magic is a weird, alien thing from distant history. When Renly was killed, it was entirely reasonable for the guard to believe that Brienne, standing over his body, did the deed. Why should they believe otherwise? Bronn, upon seeing pots upon pots of the alchemist's guild's wildfire says "men win wars, not magic tricks." Xaro Xhoan Daxos dismisses the Warlock that visits Daenerys as being a drug-addled wacko who can't actually perform real feats of the arcane.

However, magic tricks do win wars- just ask Renly shadow-ventilated corpse. In Game of Thrones, magic is a secret weapon and a technological edge. It is the gun, germs, and steel of Westeros, which makes it far more frightening than standard fantasy magic. It's not shiny lights and fun-times like in Harry Potter. Magic is something far more frightening- it's the edge that allows fratricidal jerks like Stannis to break the established rules of war and politics. It is, to use a horrible cliche, a game-changer.

THEON, YOUR FACIAL HAIR IS STUPID. SHAVE OFF THE GODDAMN PEACH FUZZ. JESUS. I guess Theon’s lame facial hair goes with his impotent rage. The Iron Islands really are different from the rest of Westeros, as Theon found out. Simply having the rank of captain didn't give him the ability to effectively order guys around. He can't demand the adulation of his men- he has to earn it. Westeros proper seems to be all about fealty, loyalty, obedience, etc. The Iron Islands are all about who has the biggest Viking-balls.

Arya Stark: Death Pixie. Arya looked directly into Tywin Lannister's eyes and said "anyone can be killed." That's the kind of cold honesty and nasty practicality that I can see a bastard like Lord Tywin respecting. Meanwhile, Jaqen H'gar has offered to give Arya murder-presents in the form of three targeted assassinations in exchange for her saving the lives of him and his fellow prisoners. Arya's already killed one guy- she stabbed a stable boy the day her dad was seized by the Lannisters. This is the second death she's responsible for, and she's owed two more. Without giving away too much for those who haven't read the books, I've always thought that Arya gets weirdly more likable and interesting the bloodier her hands get.

Tyrells! The show is developing the Tyrells nicely. We still haven't seen the Tullys at all. I have no problem with this.

Hodor. Hodor.

So, yeah... No real big plot twists other than Renly's death. As a book-fan I'm looking forward to how they're going to do the House of the Undying, which will presumably be next week. I still don't like Brienne.

Thoughts?

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

The Willamette Week's Attempt at a Game of Thrones Cover: WILDLY INSULTING, FULL OF INFURIATING ERRORS

Erik Henriksen — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 12:29:47 -0700

Okay, Willamette Week. You want to do this? Let's do this.

• Westeros is a monarchy, not a democracy. Guess why Varys is a eunuch? HE ONCE SAID THE WORD "ELECTION."

• Endorsing Charlie Hales as Hand of the King? Putting aside the goddamn fact that the Hand of the King position is not equivalent to mayor (for, as motherfucking everyone knows, "The king eats, and the Hand takes the shit"), there's a more pressing issue here: DOES THIS COVER CONSTITUTE A DEATH THREAT TO CHARLIE HALES?!

• WHY IS CHARLIE HALES' HEAD SO BIG? Theory! Before the cover went to press, a secret code was taken from the back of an old Electronic Gaming Monthly and entered into the production computer, thus activating NBA Jam's big-head mode. Except they had to enter the code twice because Aaron Mesh tripped on the controller cord and they had to restart everything :(

• I mean did they even think about using Joffrey or Robert Baratheon? Someone who would've made sense, as opposed to the goddamn Hand of the King? Maybe they would've used a Joffrey "photo collage" if they endorsed Jofferson Smith, am I right?

• Ugh, that Jofferson Smith thing was stupid, I'm sorry, I'M SO ANGRY I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT

• Clearly there's a missed opportunity here in terms of house sigils and mottos but SIGH

• Wait. Am I forgetting the king in Game of Thrones who abdicated the Iron Throne and moved North of the Wall in order to duck out of paying taxes for five years?

• Look I know I said I was just going to talk about the cover, but on the inside they made Eileen Brady into a giant-headed Brienne of Tarth? I'm an idiot and even I know not to compare a woman to someone whose only traits are "has a vagina," "fights a lot," and "is hideously ugly." (BONUS TERRIBLE COMPARISON: Making Mayor Sam Adams into a tow-headed Renly Baratheon, a character whose only traits are "gay," "gay," and "gay.")

• For real, Eileen Brady-as-Cersei Lannister just seems super obvious.

• "The race pits former U.S. Attorney Dwight Holton against former Oregon Court of Appeals Judge Ellen Rosenblum, who is married to the publisher and co-owner of this newspaper, Richard Meeker. This creates an inherent conflict of interest for this newspaper. As a result, WW announced in January that it won't be writing about this race." Good call, guys.

• Okay I'm just going to admit I don't understand what the fuck is even happening

• I suspect the crow represents Steve Novick

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: Joffrey's Presidential Dildo Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 12:29:30 -0700

Monarchies are stupid. Say what you will about democracies, at least they never invest power with juvenile little micro-sadists who command people to torture each other. Joffrey's monstrosity was on full display in last night's Game of Thrones episode, and it was kind of awkward to watch, to say the least.

Spoilers upon spoilers, after the jump.

Like father, like son. In the series it’s implied that Ned Stark was a great military commander- he successfully led men against both the Mad King and Balon Greyjoy. Robb is tearing it up on the battlefield and killing dudes with direwolf sneak attacks, but it’s apparent that he doesn’t really know the finer points of statecraft. He totally failed at being at all diplomatic when he got in spat with a field medic, and it’s clear that he does not have an exit strategy for the war. He’s a good leader, but would probably be a terrible ruler.

Shut up, Stannis. Stannis and Melisandre are both aggravating in that they’re absolutists. Stannis thinks that kings rule because of right. Renly, however, knows that his brother Robert had no right to the throne at all, and simply took it because he had lots of swords and dudes and intends to take the crown the same way. Melisandre, meanwhile, claimed to Davos that people are either good or evil, never both. Lots of other fantasy worlds (Tolkien, Harry Potter, everything else) do indeed cleave to the Manichean world view that Melisandre describes, and in lots of other genre fiction the moral certitude of a character like Stannis would be rewarded. Martin and HBO have thrown that out the window. In Game of Thrones, sticking to your guns either means you're a lovable fool (like Ned Stark) or a dangerous fanatic like Stannis.

Shadow baby! Last night's episode saw the third use of magic in the show, after Khal Drogo's resurrection and the birth of Daenerys' dragons. In what looked like the quickest labor ever, Melisandre birthed a shadow-thing (presumably the product of her and Stannis doing the mommy-daddy dance) out of her anatomy. So far, two out of three magical happenings in Game of Thrones have involved naked ladies and fire.

Welcome to Qarth. It's pronounced "Qarth." Daenerys has actually gotten through a blasted hellscape and made her way to the desert city of Qarth. At the gate, one of the city leaders insisted that Daenerys show off her dragons before being let in. The mother of Dragons pretty much said “screw you” to the only bit of civilization in the inhospitable wasteland, and insisted that she’d much rather keep her dragons pridefully locked up, rather than show off her shiny pets. For someone who’s been dying of thirst in the desert, Daenerys struck me as a bit too petulant. The standoff was broken when Xaro Xhoan Daxos, one of the city rulers, vouched for her. I’ll be interested to see how HBO spins the interplay between him and Daenerys.

But let’s talk about what’s really important. By far the most notable scene was when Joffrey took out his cruelty on a pair of nice naked ladies. Tyrion, thinking that his tightly-wound nephew just needed a good tumble in the hay, sent a pair of enthusiastically unclad lady-people to His Grace’s chambers (Tyrion is the best uncle EVER). Instead of sexing up the lasses, Joffrey commanded one to beat the other, first with a belt and then with a large spiky scepter-like object that one of my viewing companions termed “Joffrey’s presidential dildo.”

The whole setup was ludicrous. Joffrey is monstrous, but most of his loathsomeness comes from his nature as an adolescent. Joffrey is the school bully, the entitled rich kid, the spoiled brat. He’s every nasty archetype from childhood whose vileness is magnified by the crown on his head. His cruelty is unsettling because it’s a child’s cruelty- he enjoys displays violence and blood just like most other teenage boys, but unlike school bullies or most spoiled brats he is in a position of power. Joffrey is monstrous because he’s a child- he’s cruel and thoughtless in a way only a child can really be.

His behavior in that scene was not convincingly adolescent. He was far too composed for a (presumably) virginal teenage boy in a sexualized situation. I dimly remember being a teenage boy, and I think that had I been in a scenario like that I would have either come instantly or began weeping inconsolably. Or both. Teenagers are dumb, confused, messy things. A character defined by his adolescence acted in a highly non-adolescent way, and last night’s bout of torture-spanks was the series’ first big misfire. Last night Joffrey seemed cartoonishly evil, rather than a genuinely horrible child.

Also: What did you guys think of the Roose Bolton casting? It looks like they nailed that one.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]

Game of Thrones Recap: "Do you want my brother to come in and help?" Edition

Joe Streckert — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 14:30:08 -0700

Well, how about that. You know? THAT. I was kind of surprised by that thing near the end of Game of Thrones last night. As much as I love the book (LOTS), I've so far approved of the additions and re-jiggers that HBO has made. Last night, a certain non-character from the dead-tree version got transformed into someone who actually knows how the game is played.

Beneath the jump lurk spoilers!

Daddy issues galore! HBO Theon seems to be more broken up about his betrayal of the Starks than Book Theon. This Theon seemed to want it all: he wanted to be back with his dad, keep working with Robb Stark, command a ship, and in general act like the lord he always supposedly was. He had to choose, though, and he chose his batshit daddy whose approval he's never experienced. I can't say I find him unsympathetic. He has, after all, spent most of his life as a hostage (albeit a well-treated one), and has never been in a situation where he had any kind of real responsibility. Now, he has the opportunity to actually do something and potentially be in a position of authority. He's still a dick, but I given his issues with his dad and his situation, I understand his dickishness. Wish we'd gotten more of the Damphair- hopefully he'll get some for real screen time soon.

Tyrion, you magnificent bastard! A Song of Ice and Fire (in both book and television form) is highly neato in a plethora of ways, but it is not often funny. Last night we got a rare moment of semi-humor from Game of Thrones. In a bit of editing that would be right at home in a sitcom, Tyrion explained three mutually exclusive schemes to Pycelle, Varys, and Littlefinger all with the caveat “don’t tell the queen.” The montage of deceit was spliced together to underscore Tyrion’s deviousness, and make the credulousness of his marks all the more buffoonish. I kind of wanted to slow-clap at Tyrion’s deceptions, and full-on applaud when he had Pycelle's beard chopped off, just because.

Brienne has arrived, for those of you who like her. If you’re one of those fans who likes Brienne, then I’m sorry. Your thought process is a cavalcade of wrong. Her character is wholly defined by her job (she’s a knight) and her gender (she’s a lady person). That's pretty much it. Hopefully this Brienne will actually have some kind of dimension to her.

“And then Renly and Loras had sex and it was totally hot!” Like the Stannis/Melisandre relationship, HBO had decided to take something that was only implied in the books and just make it explicit in the show. So, instead of just getting lots of hints about how Renly and Loras are a couple, we get to see them actually smooshing their anatomy together. I have no problem with this whatsoever. I also think that one thousand slash fiction writers went “squee” at that point during last night’s episode.

Hi Margaery! Hi Margaery’s Boobs! A close reading of the books (Sorry if I’m talking about the books too much for those of you who have only seen the show… Actually, no. I’m not sorry. Go read the damn books.) In the books Margaery is at best enigmatic and at worst something of a non-character. HBO has already shown us far more of her character than Martin has. This Margaery knows exactly what’s going on, and doesn’t have any illusions about Renly. She knows who he is, what he wants, and what their marriage actually means. She’s practical, and knows that to solidify his hold on the Southern lords, Renly needs to put king-babies all up in her queen-parts. Renly's queen is realistic to the point where she offered to have a threesome with His Grace and Ser Loras in order to get the fecundity going on. Sadly, this plan was not executed, but you can't have everything. But, thank you, HBO. Thank you for giving us another opportunity to imagine hot brother/sister action. Oh yeah.

Also: This happened on SNL.

[ Subscribe to the comments on this story ]