Jerk: Blogtown, PDX, Portland Mercury

I Shouldn't Do This...

Dan Savage — Mon, 06 May 2013 14:52:00 -0700

...but sometimes I can't help myself. An ongoing email exchange:

Hope you get AIDS Fagget

It's "faggot."—Dan

LOL commie

LOL illiteratie.—Dan

Best illiterate than a cock sucker with AID. Hope you get AID fag.

Let me help you with that: "Better illiterate than a cocksucker [one word!] with AIDS. Hope you get AIDS, fag."—Dan

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U of O Football Player Calls Sandy Hook a Conspiracy

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 13:51:34 -0700

University of Oregon's Daily Emerald has the story—U of O tight end Colt Lyerla has been using his Twitter feed to push the notion that the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting was actually "a government conspiracy."

If you have a half hour you should watch this and enlighten yourself.youtu.be/VrngdgUixYg
— ..::⚡C⚡::.. (@ThaRealCL) March 21, 2013

Naturally he got some pushback from other Twitter users over his opinion, and tweeted the following—which has since been deleted (but recovered by the Daily Emerald):

Regardless, Lyerla continues to stubbornly stand by his opinion with tweets such as this:

My life will never be about status or money. I will never be a mindless drone. And that is what makes me, me.
— ..::⚡C⚡::.. (@ThaRealCL) March 21, 2013

And apparently, so are a few others. COLLEGE KIDS! Go figure.

@anhyzerroc is a real douchebag. The kids were killed by our government so talk shit to them, not @tharealcl
— Hayden Ptacnik (@HoneyBakdHayden) March 21, 2013

Read it all here.

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Newsflash: Murderers Are Assholes

David Schmader — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 09:44:00 -0700

So said T.J. Lane, the 18-year-old convicted of killing three students at Ohio's Chardon High School, to the families of his victims at his sentencing this week. From the Associated Press:

T.J. Lane, 18, had pleaded guilty last month to shooting at students in February 2012 at Chardon High School, east of Cleveland. Investigators have said he admitted to the shooting but said he didn't know why he did it.

Lane was defiant during the sentencing, smiling and smirking throughout, including while four relatives of victims spoke.

After he came in, he calmly unbuttoned his blue dress shirt to reveal the T-shirt reading "killer," which the prosecutor noted was similar to one he wore during the shooting.

At one point, he swiveled around in his chair toward the gallery where his own family members and those of the slain teenagers were sitting and spoke suddenly, surprising even his lawyer.

"The hand that pulls the trigger that killed your sons now masturbates to the memory," he said, then cursed at and raised his middle finger toward the victims' relatives.

Lane was given three life sentences with no possibility of parole, but I imagine his sassy mouth will get him slain in prison in no time.

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Southern Baptist Leader Calls Bigotry "The Heart and Soul of Scouting"

Paul Constant — Thu, 07 Feb 2013 14:44:38 -0800

Crooks and Liars says:

Dr. Richard Land, who is in charge of addressing social, moral, and ethical concerns as president of the Southern Baptist Convention's Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission, says that dropping the ban on gay members and LGBT leaders will be a "catastrophe" for the Boy Scouts of America because excluding homosexuals represents the "heart and soul of scouting."

Huh. I can think of a few other organizations whose "heart and soul" consists of exclusion and bigotry. If you would like to watch video of Land saying this on Crooks and Liars' horrible, rickety proprietary video player, you should go check it out on their site.

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Chris Brown Says He Deserves Respect, but What He Really Deserves Is...

Megan Seling — Thu, 07 Feb 2013 09:59:00 -0800

Sigh. Chris Brown vented some feelings on Instagram last night, making it clear he was frustrated with his not-so-great reputation. MTV News has a screengrab of the rant, should you want to read it in full.

Here's an excerpt:

Im a human being and I honestly think I deserve respect im sick of being accused... Im Tired yall just don't understand I've been going through this shit since I was 19 years old.. you cant sit here and tell me to calm down, when am I gonna get a positive outcome out of anything I do? when can I get that feed back? Im TIRED do you read me im tired!!!!!! Im not gonna sit here and play victim, Im just tired of this shit... I pray every day and night for a new outcome... and just when everything seems to be going good some new shit happens..

New shit like... you get in another fight with Drake or Frank Ocean or a window? Or you have a "homophobic meltdown" during a basketball game? Or you say some sexist bullshit on Twitter? Or you get caught possibly lying about community service?

How can someone be so clueless about the repercussions of their own actions? What is there to respect, Chris Brown?

Respect is probably out of the question, so what does Chris Brown deserve? It's time for an official poll! Pick below, or leave your own genius suggestion in the comments.

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"There are two forms of feminism, and it actually has to do with a division of how attractive a woman is."

David Schmader — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 14:59:43 -0800

Finally! Two guys—Kevin Swanson and Dave Buehner, both of 'em conservative radio hosts—explain feminism.

The gist of their discussion, as reported by the invaluable RightWingWatch:

There are “two forms of feminism,” Buehner argued. There are “cute” feminists like Sarah Palin who will find jobs in the “marketplace” and “get themselves a husband” but will “never submit to the husband, in fact they will use their power probably to make their husband submit to them.” Then, there are the “ugly” feminists whose “lack of attractiveness has not given them access to power that they wanted in the marketplace.” These “attractively challenged” feminists will only find careers in academia and in government agencies, for instance, “you can run the EPA.”

What all these feminists have in common, Swanson argues, is that “all of them want to be free from the family” and together with “the homosexuals” are “destroying society.” Buehner speculates that in the future, feminism will be remembered as “a time in which women lost the love of their children” and “decided to become selfish, narcissistic, family-destroying whores.”

Enjoy!

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"You're an unbelievably stupid man, aren't you?"

Eli Sanders — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 09:59:02 -0800

Piers Morgan vs. Larry Pratt, executive director of Gun Owners of America.

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Today in Horrifying Elevator Pranks

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 10:44:58 -0800

Check out this clip from the Brazilian variety show Programa Silvio Santos, in which unsuspecting elevator riders pick up an absolutely terrifying hitchhiker along the way. (Pro Tip: Hey Brazilians! If you hate children so much... STOP HAVING THEM.)

via

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The Most Polite Road Rage You Will Ever Hear...

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 10:14:36 -0800

...and of course, it takes place in England. Can you seriously imagine one of those dipshit Vancouverites in their Dodge Ram 4X4s being as logical and pleasant as these Brits? No, you cannot, "my friend." Because I would just end up kissing them.

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OHHHH Chris Brown... How Can You Keep Getting More Terrible?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:14:33 -0700

Buzzfeed alerts us to the well-known fact that Chris Brown is a big asshole jerk and is just getting jerkier! Here's his Halloween costume.

via

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Paul Ryan Shoots Deer with a Handgun—GUYS! He Needs to Protect Himself!!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 31 Oct 2012 13:29:18 -0700

From the Washington Times:

Paul Ryan has become the most high-profile gun owner in the nation this year. The Republican vice presidential candidate is known as an avid hunter, but what's less known is that he exercises his right to own a handgun for self protection.

AND...

Mr. Ryan also likes to challenge himself by shooting with his revolver. “He likes hunting with a handgun,” Mr. Olcott said of his brother-in-law. “He’ll carry his .357 in the stand — in a holster — and wait for a deer comes in range for a handgun, which is more like bow range, 30 yards or closer,” said Mr. Olcott. “He’s shot a lot of deer with his handgun. He really likes that.”

That does sound like quite a challenge... especially considering that deer can probably smell Ryan's bullshit from more than 30 yards away. (Have I mentioned that I like to exercise my constitutional right to bear throwing knives by hurling them at cats?)

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Hurricane Sandy: Too Soon

Kelly O — Tue, 30 Oct 2012 13:44:45 -0700

From a friend of mine on Facebook, in regards to Facebook:

Hey idiots/empathy-deficient facebook zombie-people: there is such a thing as "too soon" and just plain "garbage-person behavior". If you are currently in a safe/non-disaster-zone city making "ironic" humorous posts about New York and the other eastern seaboard cities being affected by the storm RIGHT NOW, you are a complete asshole. Period. People are dying, losing their homes, livelihoods, pets, etc. In your eternal fervor to prove that you're the quickest mean-girl in the schoolyard, you show just how low & meaningless this social networking "culture" of "friends" really is.

Ouch. And I agree completely.

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British Road Rage Beats American Road Rage

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 13:59:13 -0700

People who drive pickup trucks—especially those huge 4X4s—ARE... THE... WORST. They are terrible people who exert their terribleness on everyone else... especially when they are driving. So if you have one of these trucks, please watch the following British PSA against road rage, starring a bunch of adorable cockney children in toy cars. (People who drive trucks would probably strangle these children. That's how terrible they are.)

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Exactly How Much Should Aaron Sorkin Be Punched?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 14:00:46 -0700

Irregular Merc contributor and Film Drunk funnypants Vince Mancini said something pretty telling in his post about the "Sorkinisms" video I posted yesterday—where you can witness firsthand the characters from all of TV guru Aaron Sorkin's past work saying exactly the same thing over and over. It's kind of hilarious, and then, depressing. ANYWAY! Here's that thing that Vince said.

Someone as talented and prolific who’s written for as many shows as Aaron Sorkin, it’s inevitable that you’re going to plagiarize yourself from time to time. But it’s impossible for me to imagine that a guy whose pet phrases include “I’m really quite something,” “ya think?” and people correcting each other’s usage of “who” and “whom” isn’t incredibly smarmy. He strikes me as either a guy who gets punched a lot, or not enough.

If there was ever a need for a poll, this is that moment. (By the way, if you don't think Aaron Sorkin should be punched at least once, you should read this article, and then prepare to serve him a knuckle sandwich.)

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Jack MacBrayer and Triumph vs. Chicago's "Weiner Circle": ON WHOM DO YOU WAGER?!?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 10:44:34 -0700

Conan is in Chicago this week, so he sent the "nicest guy in America" (30 Rock's Jack MacBrayer) to the meanest, most insulting restaurant in Chi-town, the Weiner Circle. The employees give it to him pretty good—but luckily Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was on hand to exact some hilarious, foul-mouthed, and ultimately nonsensical revenge. (Seriously, have some tissue handy, 'cuz you're gonna laugh till you cry.)

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The Nicest Guy in Detroit (Did I Say "Nicest"? I Meant "Not Nicest.")

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 14 Jun 2012 11:44:28 -0700

There are some nice things to say about Detroit wood dumper Ihor Stetkewycz:

...
...
...
...

Ummm... he kind of has a cool accent?

via

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Popchips Panics; Yanks Down Terrible, Racist Ashton Kutcher Video

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 03 May 2012 09:59:53 -0700

As I was irritated about yesterday, Popchips produced some viral marketing videos featuring a fictional dating service and Ashton Kutcher playing a variety of characters, including an absolutely TERRIBLE brown-face impersonation of an Indian man. The internet let Popchips know in no uncertain terms how they felt about it, and the company has pulled the video, and issued this apology. From Hollywood Reporter:

"We received a lot feedback about the dating campaign parody we launched today and appreciate everyone who took the time to share their point of view," Keith Belling, the founder and CEO of the company, wrote in a note posted on the company's website. "Our team worked hard to create a light-hearted parody featuring a variety of characters that was meant to provide a few laughs. We did not intend to offend anyone. I take full responsibility and apologize to anyone we offended."

And what does Kutcher have to say for himself? The San Francisco Chronicle says that "a spokeswoman for Kutcher hasn't return messages seeking comment."

For those of you who missed it, someone was nice enough to post a mirror video of the offending commercial. WATCH IT HERE IF YOU ARE A FAN OF TERRIBLE!!

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More Proof that Ashton Kutcher is... the... WORST!!!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 02 May 2012 13:59:41 -0700

I don't know if this is viral marketing for Pop Chips, or an actual dating service, and I don't care to do any further research on it because Ashton Kutcher is completely, utterly terrible. And racist, if you want to go there—but he's so terrible in this, racism is actually a secondary concern.

TERRIBLE!!

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Bill O'Reilly: Experimenting with Being an Asshole Again

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 11:14:31 -0700

In another edition of "SHUT UP, BILL O'REILLY," Bill slammed the makers of Glee for including a transgendered teen (played by Alex Newell) on their show. From the New York Daily News:

“Here's the problem with a show like this, though,” O’Reilly said in the segment of his Thursday night show, “The O’Reilly Factor”, flagged by the advocacy group Media Matters. “If you make the behavior of these people ... if children hear it, unsupervised children, okay who don't have parents watching their — they might go out and experiment with this stuff.”

I'm pretty sure that when Bill O'Reilly was a kid, and he "experimented" with being an asshole, that didn't make him become one. It's a pretty fair guess that he was born that way.

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Pat Robertson Says the Christly Thing to Do Is to Skip Your Sister's Gay Wedding

Paul Constant — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 15:45:42 -0800

Look, I know the standard blog deal is to provide a lead-in, and some analysis, and an explanation of why he's wrong, but I just can't do that today. All I've got is this: What an asshole Pat Robertson is. What a total fucking asshole.

(Via Right Wing Watch.)

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Let Kirk Cameron Know You Support His Stand Think He's a Douchebag

Dan Savage — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 11:14:14 -0800

The American Family Association wants you to act!

AFA Action Alert

Evangelist and actor Kirk Cameron has come under hateful pressure by homosexuals for simply stating God's view that marriage is between one man and one woman. Appearing on CNN's Peirs Morgan show this week to promote his new movie MONUMENTAL: In Search of America's National Treasure, Kirk was repeatedly badgered by the host to share his views on homosexuality. (See my P.S. below.) Cameron told CNN's Piers Morgan that marriage "was defined in the garden between Adam and Eve—one man, one woman for life." He added that in his view, homosexuality is "socially destructive," "unnatural," "detrimental, and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization." Watch the CNN interview here.

Send your email of support to Kirk.

Click on that last link and you'll be taken to a page with a suggested form letter... but you're free to write your own note to Kirk "Some of My Best Friends are Socially Destructive, Unnatural, Detrimental Threats to the Very Foundations of Our Civilization" Cameron.

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Rush Apologized For Two Words

Dan Savage — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 09:44:00 -0800

He hasn't apologize for the rest of them:

Via Americablog.

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Rush Limbaugh Says His Big Problem Is That He Talked Like a Liberal

Paul Constant — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 11:59:41 -0800

Here's Rush's latest foot-in-mouth problem, via Swampland and The Page:

In fighting [the left] I became like them. Against my own instincts, against my own knowledge against everything I know to be right and wrong, I descended to their level when I used those two words to describe Sandra Fluke. That was my error...and I feel very badly about that.

Later in the show, Limbaugh used the whole thing as a pivot to explain why he thinks Democrats should apologize to him. There's a running transcript over at Business Insider.

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Chris Brown Wanted for Robbery

David Schmader — Fri, 24 Feb 2012 13:59:14 -0800

Chris Brown, the Grammys' favorite felony assaulter and America's crappiest pop star, has created another pool of poop for himself. From NBC Miami:

The woman, Christal Spann, and her friends followed Brown outside [the nightclub], where she saw him get into his black Bentley, according to a Miami Beach Police report. Spann approached Brown and took a photo with her $500 white iPhone 4S while he was sitting in his car. Then the surly hip-hop star reached through the window, took her cell phone from her hands, and said, “B**** you ain’t going to put that on no website,” Spann told police. He put up his window, drove west on Espanola Way, and north on Washington Avenue, police said.

Police responded at 4:43 a.m. They listed the offense as a “robbery by sudden snatching,” and said the incident would be further investigated. Police said the state attorney's office is preparing the arrest warrant for Brown.

Fuck Chris Brown.

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PSA: Roaming Asshole(s) with Roman Candles

Clare Gordon — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 15:59:02 -0800

Here's a public service announcement for any and all worker bees who bike to work at obscenely early hours: Don't be surprised if you're shot at with fireworks at 3:45 in the morning on your commute. I mean, I was, but if you're prepared maybe you'll react quicker than I did. In my defense, it was pre-caffeine of any kind and I wasn't as alert as I wish I had been. As I was pulling into the driveway at work, a car that had been trailing me for a block or two open-fired a roman candle to my back. Multiple times (or maybe multiple candles, it was hard to tell). And with that drive-by shooting yesterday, you can imagine that these noises resembling gunshots kinda freaked me out until I saw colored sparks.

And to the d-bag (and friends? damn tinted windows) who were responsible for this beyond shitty start to my day, you are a juvenile prick who should probably channel more time and energy into something productive like GETTING LAID EVER. You got away with your fucked-up prank this time. Next time I'm hurling my bike lock through your windshield and calling the cops.

Asshole.

Gee, I wish there was some established online outlet for venting about such scum of the earth.

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