Now gather up whatever fur you're not using (tattered and battered is a-okay) and bring it down to any Buffalo location between those dates, and tell them it's a donation for the program. Voila. (If you want to claim a tax deduction, mail it to The Humane Society of the United States, attn: Coats for Cubs, 2100 L St, NW, Washington, DC, 20037).

All of the above and more here. (Octopus! Pandas! Some sort of newt or something!) Thanks to Kiala for the heads up.

For the first time since 2002 a giant naked Morrissey will once again reign supreme over the Portland skyline. Or, at least in my steamy dreams. But the Mozzer is returning to Portland, once again at the Roseland, on Monday November 30th.

Now back to my erotic Morrissey Photoshop projects...

"Look… guys… c'mon. I'm gonna be fine, okay? This fork in my brain? It's just a minor setback, that's all. They're going to remove it, I'm going to be as good as new, and there's no reason to make this a 'BIG INTERNET DEAL,' you know what I mean? I would much prefer to be remembered as a super cute puppy on one of those super cute animal sites. So if you could just maybe stop staring at the fork in my head, and maybe just forget you even saw this picture that would be great. Seriously, as soon as I pass the neurological exams, and get the stitches out, I'm going to do something that's so awesomely cute, you won't even remember this insignificant fork incident. Maybe I'll cuddle with a baby tiger! Or climb into a basket of kittens! Maybe I could pose with a baby seal, and… and… C'MON GUYS! STOP STARING AT THE FORK!!!"

Oh, wait… they're dressed. Never mind.

BUT WHILE I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION… why don't you be a sweetheart, and scoot over to Questionland, where you can ask questions or leave answers on a wide variety of interesting topics? Here are some good questions, just waiting for smart answers from brainy people like yourself.

• How do I get the douches from the bowling alley to stop smoking weed next to my kid's bedroom window?

• Best friend getting married next May. What do we do for her bachelorette party?

• I've decided I don't want to do anything except race go-karts. Where are the best places in or around Portland? (Okay, okay… that was my question.)

• Neat men's fashion retail in Portland, good women's swimsuit shopping. Suggestions needed!

And here's a question that doesn't have anything to do with puppies or David Carradine…

• The Michael Hutchence question: Is it better for people to think you died from autoerotic asphyxiation, or from suicide?

Don't just hang around! (Too soon?) Visit QUESTIONLAND and obtain the knowledge you need today!

The new law limits breeders to 50 breeding dogs who must be over two years old and mandates that all dogs be given at least one hour’s exercise a day. And they must have enough room to sit, stand, turn, and lie down.

Furthermore, pet stores can no longer rely on customers’ infatuation with the cute and furry to avoid disclosing their breeders. The new law requires pet stores to state where their puppies come from. No more excuses of protecting financial interest — pet stores often say they don’t want customers bypassing their stores and going directly to the breeders simply to avoid disclosing puppy mills as their source, says Matt Rossell of In Defense for Animals.

Rossell was involved in a campaign against Scamps, a pet store chain notorious for its use of puppy mill puppies. Incidentally, it was reported today that Scamps is closing its doors for good.

Puppy-lover extraordinaire Scott Beckstead of the Humane Society of the United States tells the Mercury this new law “won’t have any effect on the future of responsible breeding….This is really addressed at large-scale operations where dogs are treated as a cash-crop, not a companion animal.”

Puppy mills are large-scale breeding facilities infamous for their inhumane treatment dogs, which often includes stacked cages with wire bottoms, zero medical treatment, no human contact, and forcible breeding cycle after cycle.

To avoid getting a puppy mill dog, HSUS recommends considering adoption and says to avoid pet stores, most of which do sell puppy mill puppies, despite their claims otherwise. For those who really do want to get their dog from a breeder, HSUS offers tips on how find a responsible one.

-Rachael Marcus

Bless you, Videogum.

Humor trumps cruelty.

If these two can do it... (sniff, sniff)... Then why can't we? Why can't we?

When I was a kid, I made extra cash every year selling baby guinea pigs to the local feed store (to be purchased by nice families who would love them and care for them and change the sawdust in their cages every day and give them lots of carrots and broccoli florets and most certainly would NOT feed them to snakes. WHAT.)

Upon wandering into the Urban Farm Store on Southeast Morrison over the weekend, I was immediately struck by how similar it was to the feed store we went to when I was younger, albeit selling organic dog food instead of the kind made with, you know, decaying horse hearts and kitten fetuses. It's a very practical store, not boutiquey at all, stocked with bags of wild bird seed, chicken scratch, kitty litter, cat and dog food, organic garden seeds, and an edible plant nursery outside. And in the back? TINY BABY CHICKENS. They've got a few bins of chicks which have been selling like mad, according to Robert, the store's owner (when I asked him where they come from, he said he orders them by mail and they arrive in "cheeping boxes" at the post office).

Future plans for the store include selling full-grown chickens, beekeeping supplies, and rabbits (for petting and loving and cuddling. Certainly not for eating. WHAT.). Oh, and goat feed: Apparently people are into raising and slaughtering their own goats these days? This I did not know. They also offer free chicken keeping classes, for all you aspiring urban farmers out there. (Robert was super helpful, too, even before I disclosed that I'm a media spy; when I asked if they sold cat treats, he said "not yet," but ran to get me a cat food sample. It's definitely a place I'd feel comfortable asking for help and advice.)

This store is great. And of course, business has been booming, because this is a brilliant idea at absolutely the right cultural moment. Check it out for yourself: 1925 SE Morrison, 234-7733, or visit their very comprehensive website, which even has a schedule of when new chicks will be arriving.

In less than two weeks, spring will officially begin. Coinciding with the vernal equinox on March 21st is the opening of Portland’s Saturday farmers market in the PSU park blocks. The opening of the market will see a selection of early spring veggies, hordes of shoppers, and a surprising lack of animals.

This year the folks from Portland Farmers Market have decided to make a new “No Pets” rule (specifically, "no dogs") for their two busiest locations, both in the South Park Blocks. Organizers say tight spaces in the market, combined with dumb, curious, fuzzy beasts, and a tangle of leashes, have lead to the new policy change.

Personally, I’m excited about this. It’s become increasingly difficult to navigate the Saturday farmers market stalls with the plague of labs in fleece cozies. It seems there’s always a jam as some oblivious dog owner chats with an acquaintance while their mutt sniffs at a table of fresh bread, creating a taught leash trip wire.

You’d think that dog owners would have enough sense about this kind of thing—and I’m sure some do—but all it takes is a few thoughtless people to force someone to make a rule. Still, the market will be better for it. I suspect that things will move much more smoothly among the stalls.

But I’m curious to know what dog owners think of the change. Are there any Blogtownies who are particularly apoplectic about this? And just for the record, the rule applies to all pets. So don’t think you can sneak in your pet iguana Scaly Taylor-Taylor. That goes double for your pet eagle and your ferrets. Basically, Beastmaster, just stay the hell out of the market.

For those who absolutely must take Admiral Furry Bottom to the farmers market, rest assured that your four legged pal will be admitted to all other markets outside of the South Park Blocks. This is especially exciting for those of you who live in Northeast Portland! A new farmers market will be making its appearance at NE 7th and Wygant on May 3rd.

Now, if only they could open a bloody mary stall at the Saturday farmers market and ban all the snot nosed children; then, it would be practically paradise.

Thanks to Ezra for the artwork!

Happy Birthday wishes go out to the Official Mercury Dog, Olive, who turns five years old today. May you have five more years of knocking over trashcans and barking at the creepy people who stop by the office.

The internet is ruined.

So: It turns out that security guards working for Ohio Retail Security, LLC, are expressly forbidden from using physical force to control problematic situations in the mall. Here's page 4 of the ORS operations manual, a copy of which was obtained by the Mercury today.

MANUAL: Forbids force...

Page 9 of the manual cautions mall security guards even further against using physical force:

MANUAL: Security Officer, not police officer...

Page 10 explicitly forbids detaining suspects or using force against them:

MANUAL: Says physical force is forbidden except when attacked...

Page 12, meanwhile, says that security officers breaking these policies may be held personally liable, and not be afforded legal defense by ORS:

MANUAL: It's your fault, not ours...

The question is: Whether Lloyd Center security management has been encouraging a policy of "arresting" subjects over the last three years. Anecdotally, the Mercury is hearing that the Lloyd Center security staff have indeed been encouraged to "arrest" problem subjects at the mall since Hanson was bought in as security manager, in response to the mall developing a problem reputation. That means whatever policies and procedures are officially in place, it's possible that in practice, management was encouraging security guards to be more heavy-handed. In which case, liability may well fall on ORS. But as I mentioned, Lloyd Center Security Manager Mark Hanson is yet to return a call for comment. I've haphazardly scanned in the first 12 pages of the ORS operations manual after the jump, in case any attorneys/liability wonks are interested. In the context of the Youtube of what actually happened, it makes for pretty hilarious reading.

Video emerged today on the Food Fight! blog of an incident alleged to have happened outside the Scamps pet store in the Lloyd Center yesterday. From Food Fight:

"The Radical Cheerleaders for Animal Rights performed today in front of Scamps store inside Lloyd Center Mall to bring attention to scamps history of selling puppies from puppy mills. After "the performance, an activist is aggressively detained by mall security resulting in angry shoppers expressing their disgust with the security guards. "

Lloyd Center security manager Mark Hansen is yet to return a call seeking comment.

Update, 5:03pm: According to jail records, Rossell was indeed arrested yesterday for disorderly conduct and trespass in the second degree.

ROSSELL: Focuses on 'outreach and education' in his activism...

Update, 7:38 pm. Rossell speaks:

"This was an education and outreach opportunity for the radical cheerleaders," says Rossell. "They wanted to try out a new cheer. But the mall security have been a little out of control. I did nothing more than just talk to customers, or even just people at the mall, people standing there by the puppy, I was having a conversation with them."

"Actually the first time that this happened, it was because the person who was bottom-lining the demo didn't bring signs, so we decided to walk inside the mall, and KGW did an investigative report on Scamps earlier that week, interviewing some families who were devastated by buying sick or genetically defective puppies there. There's a huge long history that we have with Scamps including whistle blowers, puppies dropping like flies, and their having this reputation of selling puppy mill puppies," Rossell alleges.

"I was just standing there talking to people in the mall saying did you see the recent KGW story, and the security guard came up to me saying I can't protest, and I said I'm not protesting, but I left very quickly and complied. Another time I was outside at a protest, and I walk through the mall with my two-year old, because it was cold, and the security guards, apparently, had identified me, because they were following. And the one security guard who tackled me, in particular, seemed to have a problem with me, and so I had my daughter on my shoulders, and I went up to the window, and I said, literally, 'hey, look at that puppy mill puppy in the window,' and that one guard in particular just jumped out of nowhere and yelled 'you need to leave the mall!'. So this one guy has been super-aggressive."

"This time, I said, do you realize that Scamps sells puppy mill puppies?" Rossell continues. "And then I walked over to where my wife and daughter were, and then that supervisor came up to me and said 'we're going to arrest you,' and he never asked me to leave or gave me an opportunity to leave, he said we excluded you, we told you that if you ever came back here again you'd be arrested, and I said, you never said any such thing at all, he didn't give me an opportunity to leave, and the next thing I know I'm being tackled."

"And I get wrestled to the ground, my back is still hurting from it, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, but the most upsetting thing to me was the fact that my daughter witnessed the whole thing, because she was just traumatized. I fully expected the security to behave the way they had before. If they wanted to exclude me, they had every opportunity to put it in writing. They're now saying that I was excluded verbally. But I would have very long conversations with the security at the protests in the past, very civil conversations, and they had every opportunity to write out an exclusion if they wanted to, and I certainly would have obeyed it if they had. But I would never have invited my daughter into a situation where I felt I was risking arrest, I certainly don't feel I deserved to be treated that way, and I'm going to challenge it in court."

"There are situations where activists choose to get arrested," he says. "But this wasn't one of them."

"The police officer who took me down to the situation was totally sympathetic with me," Rossell continues. "When I got down to the sheriff's office, I said I wanted to see the nurse because my back was in pain, and the officer said I didn't shoplift, and at the end of that conversation, the cop was like, 'I think I'm kind of on this guy's side,'," says Rossell. "He was a really nice guy and I thanked him, and said, you know, it's security guards like that who need role models like you, because you act so professionally."

"I've spent some of my life as a security guard," Rossell continues. "And I know what it's like to be a security guard, and I know that there are types of security like this guy who are in it for the wrong reasons and have a chip on their shoulder, and he definitely has a chip on his shoulder for me, because he made it pretty clear that he didn't like me, when we were out of sight of the cameras."

Rossell feels the security guard who tackled him should be fired.

World’s Toughest Rodeo Presents ‘Toughest Cowboy’
at the Rose Garden March 14

Hang onto your cowboy hats, Portland! The World’s Toughest Rodeo® 2009 National Tour is coming to the Rose Garden on Saturday, March 14th. Watch true-grit cowboys compete in spectacular tests of skill and endurance that will electrify and astound the whole family.

But a look at Whiplash's upcoming itinerary has no mention of him joining the Portland date of the World's Toughest Rodeo. Is he abandoning the tour? His itinerary shows him in Austin, Texas on March 14. This is an absolute outrage! In fact, I propose nothing short of demanding that Whiplash come to Portland!

Should Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey Come to Portland?

Vote carefully, but before you do, watch this:

Hey… if you liked it, then you should'a put a bone on it.