As he explained the plot, I became more and more incredulous: Scientists working on a high tech cloud seeding experiment screw things up immensely when they create super tornados that shoot ice shards and freeze everything around them the instant they touch down. The same scientists must then scramble as the storms sweep across Oregon threatening to destroy downtown Portland.

What could be more frightening than a sharding tornado? What fate more grisly than being sharded to death?

As my friend went on to describe how the storms had been super-imposed on stock footage of the Portland skyline, and how, according to the films Doppler-radar sequences, the sharding tornados had most likely destroyed North Portland, the Woodburn Outlet Mall, and Salem, it became clear that I had to learn more about the film. Not such an easy task.

On-line video of the masterpiece is non-existent. All of Syfy’s promos for the film have been taken down. There is precious little information aside from these few clues:

A movie poster:

And a blog-post from an actresses who worked as “One of six leads in the TV movie Ice Twisters.” She explains her role thusly:

I was Ashley, one of a duo of college students on a class journalism project. My dream was to be a reporter! My current step in that direction was to ace this project. However, due to some unexpected circumstances, that might not happen. I'm 'by the book', think inside the box, and easily irritated by things I can't control, including my classmate Eric (Kaj-Erik Eriksen) who was about the exact opposite of me.

Six leads? Huh. Yet strangely, none of the other actors have blogged about their work on the film.

• C'mon, these kids aren't getting smarter

Note: actual Marysville students not pictured. Above image is swiped from a Google image-search for "bored children"— highly recommend.

Via Hands On Greater Portland:

"Urgent need for volunteers THIS SATURDAY MORNING!

A tragic fire Tuesday at the historic Marysville Elementary in Southeast Portland has left 435 students without a school. You can help these schoolchildren by volunteering Saturday to prepare Rose City Park School for them [located at 2334 NE 57th Ave]. Marysville students will be transferred to Rose City Park Monday. The work party takes place from 8 am to noon Saturday at Rose City Park. Volunteers will help district officials by cleaning, moving furniture and otherwise sprucing up Rose City Park School, which closed two years ago."

You just have to sign up here. (You'll also have to register for Hands on Greater Portland if you're not a member.)

Help a kid. Plant a school.

HOLY CRAP IT'S CAMERON FROM FERRIS BUELLER! AT PIONEER SQUARE! NOT WEARING A RED WINGS JERSEY! HAN SOLO SHOUTING "I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!!!" AND "NOBODY IS GONNA TELL ME HOW TO RUN MY LAB!!!" AND C'OR BLIMEY, 'TIS OL' LIMEY BRITBOTTOM FROM MAD MEN!!!

In related news, this trailer is fucking awful.

Cue the "Why can't they ever film a good movie in Portland?" whining. Via FilmDrunk.

Donations will be accepted through November 30th.

Heads up, film geeks: Tomorrow and Saturday, the University of Oregon kicks off their "What is Film? Change & Continuity in the 21st Century" conference, held in the White Stag building (70 NW Couch). The conferences serves a dual purpose: First, discussing the current status of film (especially with regards to how digital media is changing the medium), and second, publicizing the U of O's brand-spankin'-new new Cinema Studies major.

Judging by the conference's program, there's gonna be a lot of focus on "the digital age," with seminars like "Independent Film and Other Media in the Digital Age," "Write Now!: Screenwriting in the Digital Age," "Changes in Film Distribution and Exhibition," and "Government/Film Industry Relationships in the Digital Age," the latter of which will feature representatives from the Governor’s Office for Film and Video and the Portland Mayor’s Office. Notable speakers at the conference include animator Will Vinton (of the now-defunct Will Vinton Studios), and writer and producer Bryce Zabel (who, quite frankly, has an astounding resumé: He's worked on M.A.N.T.I.S., Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, and Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman).

Anyway, the whole shebang is only $10 if you're a U of O student and $20 if not; if you're interested, more info is here.

• Wy'east: New cart in SE

Food carts, food carts, everywhere. 2009 will be seen as the year that Portland food went small and mobile.

There has been much energy around Portland’s cart scene this year. New pods have popped-up in neighborhoods across the city; carts have taken over previously empty and unsightly urban niches; and the activity has attracted the fickle eye of national media, from network and cable news to (now defunct) national magazines.

Whether the activity is self perpetuating—media inspires would-be cart owners, who open new carts much to the delight of the media—or just a sign of entrepreneurs thinking small in a wounded economy, it’s clear that cart ownership is on the rise in Portland.

According to the Multnomah County Health Department there has been a nearly 25% increase in licenses for mobile food units this year. According to the county, the number of annual licenses it issues to food carts generally hovers around 360 to 370. As of this week, the county has issued 461 mobile food unit licenses, 91 more than last year; 34 yet-to-be licensed carts are currently in plan review.

So that means if all goes well, we will see 34 more carts, trucks, or trailers peddling food on or around the streets of the Portland metro area.

Brett Burmeister of Food Carts Portland notes that his site has been listing around five new carts per week. But to Burmeister, the growth in carts is not just a boom in local business, it’s also a boom in Portland’s cultural identity.

“I think a lot of the carts that have opened in the last year are an extension of Portland uniqueness,” he says. “These are not your average hot dog cart. We’re taking it to the next level.”

Be sure to check out next week’s Last Supper for more.

"People are afraid of cemeteries because they're full of death, but look, there's trees in bloom. There's birds and bees," says Schaefer, gesturing the the red and yellow leaves covering Southeast Portland's Lone Fir Cemetery on a crisp Saturday morning. Though Schaefer spends his free time poring over files stuffed with death records and newspaper clippings, this morning he turned up at Lone Fir to lead a dress rehearsal for the graveyard's busiest night of the year: Halloween. Nealy 1,000 Portlanders lined up outside Lone Fir's chain link fence last Halloween to take the bloody-but-educational Tour of Untimely Departures. This year, Schaefer's thinking big. Instead of just one tour, two tours will head in opposite directions, each stopping at a mix of historically-relevant and satisfyingly gory graves. Lone Fir houses the bones of some of Portland's most well-known founders, as well as dozens of unmarked graves whose residents who remain nameless both in death and in the history books.

"It's pretty gnarly to hear the story. There were apparently body parts all over the docks," says Schaefer, stopping at the grave of the creators of Lone Fir, James and Elizabeth Stephens. The couple, who ran ferry service across the Willamette back in the 1830s and 40s, owned a giant eastside farm (stretching from the river to SE 28th and Stark to Division) and turned a few acres into the graveyard after the tragic steamboat accident Schaefer described. The couple stare out at cemetery-goers from their tombstone, facing the tall fir tree for which the cemetery is named. The back of their stone is carved with a poetic but chilling paragraph: "Here we lie by consent after 57 years, 2 months and 2 days sojourning through life awaiting nature's immature laws to return us back to the elements of the universe of which we were composed."

• Frank Schaefer and the founders of Lone Fir.

Nearby, a white stone obelisk rises to honor Dr. Hawthorne, who ran an insane asylum on the site of the current southeast Lucky Lab back in the 1800s. Though he was renowned for taking good care of his patients, according to Schaefer, who combed newspaper archives for information about the doctor, the patients' families did not always give them too much thought. When families would not claim their bodies, Hawthorne buried 132 of his patients in the cemetery on his own dime. No one knows exactly where the 132 forgotten souls are buried, but Schaefer believes some were entombed in what's known as "Block 14"—the southeast corner of the cemetery where the unmarked graves of Chinese railroad workers also lie.

The 200 or so allies marched from the North Park Blocks through the Pearl and down Broadway shouting, "Obama! Obama! Let mama marry mama!" A man in a tight black turtleneck and rave pants nearly disrupted the march at one point, running alongside the protest shouting, "Rapists! Sexual perverts!" and other slurs. A burly marcher started shouting back at the lone counter-protester and was restrained by a man in a Utilikilt until police stepped in and not-too-politely told the counter-protester to scram.

As the marriage equality marchers bore down on Pioneer Courthouse Square, their chanting melded with the bongo drums of war reverberating in the plaza: the soundtrack to the Portland version of 350.org's international day of climate action. A fleet of anti-12 lane Columbia River Crossing protesters rolled in on bikes to join the several hundred environmental protesters and school kids laid on the ground, spelling out the number "350" on the brick. I hung out to talk to some representatives of Portland General Electric hyping their company's renewable energy plans but ducked out after someone calling himself "Saturn Man" tried to get the crowd to join in his butt-shaking "shiny hiney" dance.

• Adriane DeJerk of Stop the CRC.org

There aren't a lot of details as of now, but it sounds like KUFO's getting a pretty major overhaul—and losing some of Portland's most talented radio personalities in the process. (The fate of another popular KUFO show, The Rick Emerson Show, is still unknown; we'll update if and when we hear anything else.)

Cort and Fatboy have been friends of the Mercury for a while now—Steve's been a regular guest on their show to talk about TV, and they were kind enough to have me on once to blather about a comic book, and the Mercury geek contingent took up a regular row at their Battlestar Galactica screenings a while back. I guess the news of their firings wasn't particularly surprising to Cort and Fatboy, but for us—and I'm guessing more than a few Portland listeners—learning that there isn't gonna be any more Cort and Fatboy is definitely a shock. Portland radio just got suckier.

UPDATE, 4:35 PM: As noted in Cort and Fatboy's final podcast, Chris Patyk—who was KUFO's program director—has also been fired. (The mysterious anonymous forces at Oregon Media Central claim that KUFO is bringing in a new program director, Dave "Ditch" Milan, out of San Diego.) Elsewhere in the rumor mill, word is that KUFO's bringing in some guy named Ricker from Seattle. Still no word on the fate of any other KUFO programs.

UPDATE, 5:15 PM: It's looking more and more like Rick Emerson's been shown the door, too. Meanwhile, listeners who try to listen to Cort and Fatboy's final podcast via the KUFO page get the following message: "Sorry, the audio you are looking for is not available". Huh. Too bad there's nowhere else people can hear it....

LISTEN:

Cort and Fatboy's final podcast - October 23, 2009

Glass balls.

That's right, a series of delicate 14-inch glass orbs have been hand-blown by artist Andy Pyko and decorated by local artists. They're on display at different locations around town, including the former NW 23rd outpost of Music Millennium. You'll be able to bid for your favorite ball at the PYDC Glass Ball Gala on November 14. And if you need something more than glass balls and schmoozing, there's music provided by the Dandy Warhols, Kevin and Anita Robinson of Viva Voce, the Last Regiment of Syncopated Drummers, and possibly Steve Turner from Mudhoney. The Glass Ball takes place at the very cool-looking Bison Building (421 NE 10th). Tickets are $40. (Steepish, but not outrageous. And there's an open bar! Oh, and it's for a good cause etc.)

End Hits: Our glass balls are also available for the highest bidder.

Here's how Wikipedia tells the tale:

In the early morning hours of November 21, 1970, a dynamite fueled bomb exploded underneath the portico, doing $170,000 in damage. Though no one was injured, windows were blown out, the Council Chamber (located above the blast) was damaged, all of the columns of the portico were damaged and replaced, and the Liberty Bell replica was a complete loss. A new bell was purchased for $8,000 and later moved to Terry Schrunk Plaza. No one was ever arrested or claimed responsibility for the bombing.

The city archives even has this crazy photo of the so-called "Liberty Bell Bombing."

• City Hall Under Attack!

And 38 years and 11 months later, the bomber is still out there. No arrests were ever made, despite spying and investigation by a secret police squad. Who could it be?!

The Governor’s Office of Film & Television is pleased to announce that Gus Van Sant (Milk, Paranoid Park, Last Days), plans to direct his next feature film Restless in Oregon this fall. “Gus has established himself as a true Oregon artist and I’m pleased that through the Oregon Production Investment Fund we could help him bring his next story home,” said Governor Ted Kulongoski. “Gus has always been a great supporter of the local art scene and that support is demonstrated by his decision to film his next picture in Oregon.” Upon the news Film Office Board Chair Gordon Sondland said, “Gus is putting his movie where his mouth is. As a member of the board of the Governor’s Office of Film and Television, Gus has strongly lobbied producers to consider Oregon for their next project. I am thrilled that he is now filming in a place that he knows will result in an outstanding finished product.”

No, I don't know how one puts a movie where their mouth is either, unless their mouth is really huge. Anyway, the full press release is after the jump.

• 1. That it is about Mr. Fite stabbing his ex-girlfriend's betta fish, DeLorean, in a jealous rage?


• 2. That he told police "If she can't have me, then she can't have the fish?"
  
• 3. That the ex-girlfriend didn't show up for his court hearing, but requested that the man pay for a memorial tattoo of the fish?


• 4. That The Oregonian calls him a "hipster" in the headline?

Have we finally found the definition of "hipster?" Does it mean "fish-stabber?"

Fite's attorney said that stabbing the fish was “a very low point” in his client’s life, and that Fite is "absolutely mortified and ashamed about what he did to the fish."

This was a very low point, but not the lowest. Rumor has it that Jeremy Fite once dated a marine biologist and karate-chopped a shark when she broke up with him. Fish beware!

(Thanks to Natasha Stoudt for the link)

"I really wanted to see what kind of free culture existed. Back in North Carolina, I was living what is called the 'freegan lifestyle,'" says Aubin, explaining why he decided to head west six months ago. "I've never seen a city where there's so many things for free, all these freeboxes out on the street." Aubin hopes that people will stop by the colorfully-painted shortbus to drop off items and pick up whatever they want, too.

• Creepy dolls? Red lampshade? Yours for free!

"Many businesses feel that because it's a free business, then our clientele would be low income people who wouldn't patronize them anyway," says Aubin, who estimates he needs about $4000 a month to pay rent on the Free Store's parking spot and keep its fleet of messengers in business. Right now, five bike messengers are delivering for the store, two of them as their only job. Aubin is also asking people to become "Rainmakers" who donate $10 to the store each month. Since the store opened a month ago, 15 people have signed up as Rainmakers. "The free stores I've heard of running on nonprofit models don't last more than six months," says Aubin.

The small bus is packed with an eclectic mix of items. Women's clothes line one wall and assorted dishes cover a table in back, right next to a large and mysterious machine apparently used to enlarge small images. Next to a bookshelf containing worn copies of John Grisham and Twilight, a VHS rack holds a Madonna's Immaculate Collection, The Best of Elmo and a video about Yiddish. Aubin picks over all donations and sends the items he thinks won't "sell" over to Goodwill.

• Harry the hot dog vending propert manager (left) and former Freegan Ben Aubin outside the Free Store.

The property manager, a man named Harry who sells hot dogs from his stand next to the bus, is surprisingly enthusiastic about the store. "This cat is actually giving away stuff for free! And I'm talking about good stuff!" says Harry, who invited the free store to rent part of the lot despite some initial skepticism, "People think if it's free, you're gonna get poor people coming by. But no! You get all kinds of people."

Between 20-50 have stopped by the store every day so far, 90 percent of them women, according to Aubin. This Saturday the store is hosting a grand opening party, with Ninkasi kegs and DJs from 7-11pm at its home on SE 11th and Clay. Check out the free store website to request items for yourself.

In downtown Portland, OR, stands an imposing 15-story edifice that’s one of the most hated buildings in America. The façade is an off-putting hodgepodge of faux classical columns, strange and useless decorative elements, and penitentiary-like small windows, with a depressing color scheme of brown, pink, and white (throwing in some tacky blue glass for good measure). “It’s all gaudy imagery with no tie to the location,” says Jason Fifield, an associate at Ankrom Moisan Architects in Portland. The interior isn’t much better—it’s been described as dark and claustrophobic.

Designed by famed architect Michael Graves, the Portland Building is an icon (for better or worse—mainly worse) of postmodernism, which was a major design trend in the 1980s, when the structure went up, but has since fallen from favor. And that’s a primary reason there’s not much enthusiasm for anything erected in that decade.

That's right! If you just started reading this blog, then maybe you haven't heard, but consenting adults all over town will be getting their collective rocks off at Hump, Portland's most lithe and flexible amateur porn fest. Anticipation is only growing now that 18-20-year-olds can get in on the action with a special sober screening at 7:00 pm on October 23rd. After that the old people will be spilling the wine and getting boozy for a screening at 9:30 pm, and the following night at 7 and 9:30.

Sure, Dan Savage will be there, but there's more! Films were encouraged to include specific props and Portland locations just to spice it up. I'm super excited to see the devil's testicle appear somewhere it won't seem out of place.

What are you waiting for? Your dom's not going to force you to buy tickets. Show a little gumption and get them before they run out!

• Hump Ahead

• McDonald's wrappers, now denser than ever

Funding for the garbage cans of tomorrow comes mostly from private businesses, but also quasi-public groups like the Oregon Zoo and Portland General Electric.

From the most recent press release:
"The Portland Business Alliance facilitates the donation of BigBelly units to the City of Portland. Once the units are installed, the city maintains them. The units will help [the] city cut back on trash pickup and prevent overflow of waste. These effects also lead to better air quality for the city; if all trash cans were converted to BigBelly units, the city could reduce CO2 emissions by at least 25,000 pounds per year."

As far as I can tell, there's nothing stopping an individual from sponsoring one either. All it takes is a donation of $3,975 (tax deductible, of course). Plus, you get to adorn the can with the logo of a non-profit of choice, your favorite generic Portland streetscape, and your very own personal icon! I mean, can you think of a better place than the side of a trash can to proudly display your company name??!! I sure can't.

If you are eager to incorporate futuristic waste-condensation into your daily routine, the press release also lists the locations of the newest garbage-stomping receptacles. 15 more are slated for November installation.

Remember when local animation studio Laika made Coraline, and it came out, and everybody liked it, and it made some money, and it seemed like really good things were going to keep coming out of Laika? And then remember how there was, weirdly, no word from Laika about their next project?

If I recall correctly, the most that anyone involved with Laika ever said about possible follow-up projects was what Coraline director Henry Selick said way back in an interview that occurred around the time of Coraline's release:

As for what comes next for Selick, he'll continue to be associated with at least one forthcoming project at Laika, though he won't be directing. He's on board to help out with Paranorman, an upcoming project helmed by Chris Butler, Selick's lead story artist on Coraline. Selick's summary of Butler's Paranorman makes me want to see it pretty much immediately: "A sweet comedy about a boy who communes with his dead grandma and ends up having to face down an army of angry zombies.”

Selick characterizes Paranorman as "another good project from Laika that stands out from the pack"—which is a pretty accurate description of Coraline, too. "Laika just happens to be a place that seems to understand you can’t play Follow the Leader," Selick says. "No one can imitate Pixar of DreamWorks and hope to win, especially when you’re trying to do films for much less money. You have to strike out, take some chances."

Assuming Laika does continue to take some chances, they'll be doing so not only without 52 of their workers (the Willamette Week reported on those layoffs last month), but also without Selick. From the Oregonian, via Dark Horizons:

Travis Knight, President and CEO of Portland, Oregon-based animation studio Laika, Inc., has announced that director Henry Selick has departed the company following the expiration of his contract.

That's certainly disappointing news, though it's not particularly surprising—between the layoffs and the lack of any official announcements about new projects, it appears that Laika's either stalled or stalling, despite Coraline's success. Still, there were a lot of talented people who made Coraline; even accounting for the layoffs and Selick's departure, I imagine some of those people still must be employed by Laika in one capacity or another. Hopefully they'll get to work on a worthy follow-up to Coraline soon—if Coraline turns out to be the last feature we see from Laika, well, that'd be pretty shitty.

Listen. (OhmygahIcan'tbelieveI'mtellingyouthis!)

Ever since I was little I've had this fantasy where I'm in this cool, independent movie theater like Cinema 21, but they weren't showing normal movies. They're showing, like... porny movies. Like, all kinds of porn - gay, straight, cartoon, weird. These weren't normal porn films, though; they all starred my friends and neighbors from around Portland and Seattle. And (this is where it really gets crazy) dreamboat sex-columnist Dan Savage is there hosting the whole thing! It all lasts for two days (October 24th and 25th) and the creators of the hottest film and the funniest film each win a $2,000 prize before all the film prints are destroyed never to be seen again!

Weird, right? I don't know where this comes from... when I was a kid I used to rub myself on the doorjamb a lot... But look, maybe I'm being brash, but you're still here, I'm still here. Maybe we could make this thing happen, Portland? Just you, me and Dan.