• image from cardcow.com

It’s unclear to me how serious he is and what his point is, and I’m finding it hard to even explain why his article is irritating. Scratch that. His article is irritating because it’s incredibly pompous. He throws out seemingly self-deprecating jokes like how Playboy is “known throughout the world as a bastion of journalism” and how he “had survived many years of hard living, having just graduated from college with a degree in English.” (I’m assuming he’s being sarcastic here. Right?) But at the same time he seems pretty smug about the fact that he was surrounded by Double-Ds and still yawning, due to his clearly superior intellect. Then again, he admits that he couldn’t sleep with them, because “that virginal terrain was cultivated exclusively by Hef.” So... the women were useless idiots because they couldn’t carry on a conversation. But really they were useless because he couldn’t sleep with them. Had he managed to woo them with his liberal arts charm, would their lack of brains have been acceptable?

I’m not worked up about the fact that he thought the girls were dumb. Having a nice body and big boobs doesn’t mean you have an IQ to match, just as it doesn’t preclude that possibility. I bet I would have been bored, too, had my job been to interview the Playmates and write their bios. But would I have needed to tell everyone how much smarter I was and how they were soooo stupid that I couldn’t even use them to blow my load, which, come on, is their only real purpose anyway?

Soupy Sales, whose zany television routines turned the smashing of a pie to the face into a madcap art form, died Thursday night. He was 83.

Some 20,000 pies were hurled at Soupy Sales or at visitors to his TV shows in the 1950s and ’60s, by his own count. The victims included Frank Sinatra, Tony Curtis and Jerry Lewis, all of whom turned up just for the honor of being creamed.

And here's a hilarious chunk from E!'s write-up:

[I]n 1965, a disgruntled Sales ended his New Year's Day broadcast of The Soupy Sales Show by instructing his young audience to creep into their parents' bedrooms, take their parents' "funny green pieces of paper with pictures of U.S. presidents," and mail the paper to him. When money started arriving at the studio, Sales explained he was only joking and either returned the dough or donated the unreturnables to charity.

Good day.

Now, I won’t get into every little thing she-

Well, okay. She came to eat at the restaurant where I work as a hostess, and I had the privilege of showing her and her dining companions to their table. I was freaking out somewhat, especially because Ms. Burnett performed the role of Princess Winnifred in the 1959 Broadway debut of the musical Once Upon a Mattress—a role that I myself played in high school. The following is a rough transcript of our conversation:

Me: Yes.

Carol: And what’s your name, dear?

Me: (nearly hyperventilating) Ali.

Carol: Well hi, Ali! I’m Carol [oh my god, I know!!!], and this is [someone to whom I paid no attention whatsoever].

Me: (after politely saying hello to whats-her-face) Now, I was going to play it cool, but I want you to know that I was Princess Winnifred-

Carol: (gasp!) Oh! (touching my arm) Wasn’t that play so much fun?

Me: Yes! So much fun! And you know, I did some comedy in college, too, and I really appreciate strong women in comedy.

Carol: Thank you!

Me: (looking at Carol meaningfully) Thank you.

Carol: (upon receiving the menu I handed her) Thank you, Ali!

Me: (overwhelmed/flustered to the point of speechlessness)

My face was red for the next half hour, and my co-workers couldn't help but note with amusement/alarm how worked up I was. It was thrilling.

Conclusion: Carol Burnett is as adorable as she is talented and inspirational, and she looks great considering she’s 76 years old. Thank you, Carol, for touching our hearts. And my arm.

All I can say is one thing: THANK YOU GOD FOR THE BRITISH PRESS! From Blogtown Hot Tipper Ben comes this hilarious story from The Sun, which posits that Home Alone's Macaulay Culkin is the actual father of Michael Jackson's son Blanket!

Fevered speculation gripped the US after repeated claims that a "well-known Hollywood actor" donated the sperm for Blanket.

Now sources close to Jackson say the Thriller star asked Culkin for the donation to help him complete his "perfect" family.

The source added: "This isn't just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he's Blanket's father."

Not just chitter-chatter, huh? Well, I also heard some "not just chitter-chatter" that Culkin's sperm sacks are actually bone dry, and the REAL father of Blanket is really Alfonso Ribeiro!

Tippity tips to Videogum!

Idolator is reporting the rumor that batshit crazy misunderstood Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan has picked Mike Byrne, a 19-year-old from Beaverton, as the winner of his drummer competition.

Byrne performs in Moses, Smell The Roses (who just recently played a house show in SE Portland), and while he has yet to be formally announced as the pick, he's the heavily-rumored replacement for longtime drummer Jimmy Chamberlin.

Good luck, kid.

End Hits: If it doesn't work out, maybe he can get a job on D'arcy's horse farm in Watervliet, Michigan. (I'm not making that up, she really does have a horse farm.)

Here is the photo:

I have no idea what the story behind this scene could be. So, as we did the last time a photo left us speechless, I'll put the challenge to you instead: HAIKU THIS PHOTO!

Sigh.

I took a couple pics with my phone, but since they are of embarrassingly shitty quality, I'll post them after the jump.

UPDATE: He had TWO. Harrison Ford had two margaritas.

"My tailbone is bent from landing on my ass, 400 times a year, twice on Saturdays, twice on Sundays. My back's got all kinds of problems. I've got arthritis and scoliosis. I'm six-four. I used to be six-seven... It ain't easy, brother."

"I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like O.J., cutting everybody's throat," he says. "You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife, and going to the Four Seasons, where you're paying for the toilet paper he wipes his ass with. I mean, I totally understand O.J. I get it."

The war between Woody Allen and American Apparel rages on, and it's getting more and more personal. AA's defense to Allen's demand for $10 million for the unauthorized use of his image in their advertising? Well, basically, that they couldn't possibly have ruined his image worse than he did his own damn self with the whole Soon-Yi Previn fiasco.

Moreover, AA's lawyers are requesting documents surrounding the scandal of yore, including nude photos he allegedly took of Previn... They'll never get them.

But if they did how many hot seconds would it take before they were on a billboard with tube socks Photoshopped onto them?

In previous years, schools chose their princesses via a student body vote. This year, citing class time wasted on hours-long assemblies and a "popularity contest" image, the Rose Festival shook things up so now the student body vote only counts for 1/7 of the final say on who's the school princess. A six-person panel of teachers, community members and student representatives make up the rest of the vote. Unfortunately, at Cleveland, this new process turned out to be crazy competitive.

The April edition of the Cleveland Clarion is a hot read: one potential princess was controversially eliminated in an early round of votes and set up a Facebook group claiming panel bias, saying one of the voters was the best friend of another candidate. The winner of the crown fought accusations of cheating after her mother sat in the front row during her speech, holding up flashcards. "I didn't realize my mother was going to do that, it was a surprise," defends Princess Sylvia Dady in the paper, "And even if I had wanted to look at them, because I need contacts to read and I couldn't see the cards from where I was standing." The vice principal eventually launched an investigation of the whole affair, but refused to comment on the results.

Will Arrowsmith, the Cleveland senior who wrote the editorial, says the school supports Dady (whom the paper describes as "poised" and "well-traveled" and also quotes dreaming about her win the night before), “But people are mad that the Cleveland community doesn’t have much of a say about who our own representatives are. Plus, we seem to be doing a good job of choosing the winners.” Two of Cleveland's princesses snagged the city-wide queen crown in the last three years.

Rich Jarvis, of the Rose Festival, responds, “When we’re setting up a scholarship program, there should be more involved than just someone’s ability to get popular.” Each of Portland's princesses gets a $3500 scholarship. Cleveland Vice Principal Leslie Butterfield also supports the new voting system, which the Rose Festival spent a year perfecting. "The old Rose Festival process took an inordinate amount of time away from instruction. And for what?" says Butterfield, saying the new process takes 35 minutes, max, away from class time. "It's a much more equitable and wholesome process."

How did we get the scoop on this Rose Princess exclusive? The mom of the Cleveland's eliminated candidate stopped by the office, waving a copy of the Clarion. "I think it's kind of cute in an archaic way," says mom Pascale Planix Steig (a big fan of Ann Romano's column) of the Festival, "but when I find all the gears and politics behind it, it seems like a sinister process."

That's all the Rose Festival Princess Gossip for this Tuesday. Also included in the Cleveland High Clarion: this hilarious photoshopped graphic of the Seattle PI BURNING IN HELL. Thanks, kids!

Interestingly, Harrelson's statement regarding the incident turns the tables. Even though the video clearly shows that Woody is the one repeatedly lurching wordlessly toward the camera man, he used the excuse that he had mistook the chatterbox paparazzo for a zombie:

"I wrapped a movie called Zombieland, in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie."

This bodes well for Zombieland!

This makes me feel SO weird! Is this some kind of belated April Fool's joke? Because she could totally be one of the Olsen Triplets. Or maybe… maybe Lizzie ALSO had a twin, but it died at birth. Or maybe it was an evil twin. WAIT… or maaaaaaaybe… LIZZIE is the evil Olsen triplet who they said died at birth, so Ashley and M-K wouldn't have to the split the profits from such awesome classic flicks as How the West Was Fun!
Anyway, my world has been shaken to its core after seeing this. Yours?

Nicolas Cage Sells His Castle

Nicolas Cage is saying auf Wiedersehen to the Bavarian castle he bought two years ago.
...
Cage purchased the property in July 2006, in a move inspired by the German roots of his mother, Joy Vogelsang. At the time, he fell in love with the half-timbered centuries old structure saying, "I liked the architecture and the gigantic forest." He envisioned a homey residence for himself, wife Alice Kim Cage, 25, and son Kal-El, 3.
...
Cage last visited his German castle nearly one year ago, in May 2008, when he swooped in by helicopter. He still has another castle, Midford Castle, near Bath, England, which he bought in July 2007.

We might be reading too much into our less-than-reputable sources—and we'd hate to ignite a frenzy with this gossip—but what beloved band just might be reuniting for a secret show tonight? Tonight's (possible) performance would be their first since going on "indefinite hiatus" nearly three years ago.

End Hits: Head to exit 108, just outside of Lacey, for more clues.

We don't usually deign to drop in on your little "Blogtown," dears—we prefer to think of you getting your One Day at a Time gossip fix while sitting in a leathery armchair, next to a roaring fire, a glass of fine bourbon in hand—but today marks a special occasion. Two special occasions, actually!

1) We have a new comic! You might remember Ann Romano: Gossip Whore, which we wrote a while ago, illustrated by Paul Lee. Well, that was such a smash hit (really, would you expect anything less?) that the comic book nerds at Dark Horse Comics asked us to do another one. And so we present, dears, Ann Romano: Gossip Whore in Gone Dishin', illustrated by Kristian Donaldson and featuring Franky and The Goon from Eric Powell's award-winning funnybook The Goon. Do give it a read, won't you?

2) The original Ann Romano: Gossip Whore comic has been collected in the swanky trade paperback MySpace Dark Horse Presents Volume 2, where it's accompanied by lesser (but still quite good!) works from creators like Zack Whedon, Evan Dorkin, Gilbert Hernandez, David Malki, Tara McPherson, Gerard Way, Gabriel Bà, and more! Plus, there's an all-new introduction to the volume written by, yes, yours truly.

Now, normally we'd urge you all to go out and buy it—because we get royalties off of it, you see, which means we actually get paid (hopefully in amounts larger than the pittance the cheapskates at the Mercury care to toss our way). But that said, Dark Horse was kind enough to send a few extra copies of the book to us to give away to our readers, and—after prying them loose from Hubby Kip's grabby hands—we've got 'em all ready to go!

Want to win one? Then email me before five pm on Friday, March 6, include your name and mailing address and make sure "Lindsay Lohan" is the subject line in your email. We'll randomly pick five winners over the weekend, and announce the readers in this very blog post early next week.

Well? What're you waiting for? Start reading! And emailing! (And buying!) Kisses!

UPDATE!! Thanks to everyone who entered, but the contest is now OVERS-VILLE. The winners are: Elliott Daggett, Brian Costello, Mauri Matsuda, John B. Jones, and Dyche M. Alsaker (though Alsaker forgot to include her mailing address, so she needs to email Ann if she wants to receive her book. Otherwise we'll give it to an orphan or something.) The rest will be mailed out asap! CONGRATS TO ALL!

Best of the belted:

I know, right? Miley Cyrus and SJP? Life is full of surprises. Cyrus' dress has been met with divided opinion, but this is my favorite use of a fish motif, and I am crazy for the belt. Parker's I like less—it's a bit too matrimonial, but the pickin's were on the slim side this year.

My controversial pick:

Jessica Biel's dress is unremarkable at first glance, and she's taking hits from the pundits for the unusual construction up front. But it's actually growing on me the more I look at it. It's clean and fresh, like an artfully folded kerchief, and there's a Japanese vibe that I'm feeling. Plus, she looks comfortable and natural, unlike most of her red carpet peers.

And then there were all the fish.