Gossip: Blogtown, PDX, Portland Mercury

The Most Amazing Piece of President Obama Fan Fiction to Date

Paul Constant — Wed, 29 May 2013 09:44:00 -0700

Abby Ohlheiser at The Atlantic points out that on Sunday, the Examiner published an amazing piece of fiction by Dean Chambers, the man who came up with Unskewed Polls during the 2012 election. The piece, which was written with absolutely no evidence, attempts to explain where President Obama was when the attacks in Benghazi was taking place:

"Barack Obama retired to his private quarters (perhaps with Reggie Love…or maybe one of the other low-ranking young men who are forever suspiciously palling around with this president, unlike any president before him) sometime around 6pm EST or so on 9/11/12. He then seems to have taken drugs (which I believe most likely involved cocaine). Hillary Clinton either showed up to kill his buzz or she kept calling on the phone over and over again until he answered at 10pm. I’m sure he hung up on her as fast as he could, because the woman scares him (and no doubt scolds his sorry ass every chance she gets).

From then until the staff was finally able to rouse, dress, and make him presentable enough for the public at 1030am the next day Barack Obama appears to have been out of his mind high on drugs."

Chambers's post can no longer be found on the Examiner's site. (And if I may stoop so low as to point out one error in the above quoted passage: Reggie Love used to work as President Obama's body man. This is not "unlike any president" before President Obama. Most modern presidents and presidential candidates have body men, including Mitt Romney, George W. Bush, George H.W. Bush, and John F. Kennedy. Trying to turn a presidential aide into a scary hint about President Obama's secret homosexual/pedophilia tendencies is quite possibly the most unhinged part of the whole screed.) The last election would have been much closer if Republicans had managed to engage with the President Obama that actually exists, rather than the President Obama they've made up. But now that he's won a second term, they seem to only be interested in making their fictional President Obama as batshit insane as possible.

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The Reese Witherspoon Arrest Tape: YESSSSSSSS!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 03 May 2013 09:59:00 -0700

As the acid-tongued Ann Romano told you in this week's One Day at a Time, "butcher-knife chinned" actress Reese Witherspoon was recently arrested for getting mouthy with an Atlanta cop and pulling the "Do you know who I am?" card. HOWEVER! The story gets even more hilariously awesome when there's video to accompany it! Watch Reese shoot off her mouth ("This is just BEYOND!"), get the cuffs slapped on her, and be sure to stick around until the end of the clip when her own husband sells her down the river. NICE.

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Courtesy TMZ!

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Is Gus Van Sant Gunning for 50 Shades of Grey?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 09:59:02 -0700

Direct from the world of "Hollywood speculation," TheWrap is reporting that Portland director homeboy Gus Van Sant (Drugstore Cowboy, Good Will Hunting, My Own Private Idaho, etc.) is apparently gunning to direct the film we all can't wait to hate, EL James' 50 Shades of Grey.

Two-time Oscar nominee Gus Van Sant has shot a steamy sex scene featuring Alex Pettyfer as Christian Grey in a bid to direct "Fifty Shades of Grey," the film version of the erotic bestseller, individuals familiar with the project have told TheWrap.

The scene, insiders said, is when the ingénue Anastasia Steele loses her virginity to Grey.

The "insiders" were quick to point out that Pettyfer has not been cast as Christian Grey in the movie—just for Van Sant's audition tape. Also...

Van Sant was not officially asked by the studio to shoot a test tape. But doing so may indicate how badly he wants the coveted assignment.

So what sayest thou, Blogtown? CONDEMN OR ALLOW??

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Guess the "Ripped from the Headlines" Headline!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 21 Feb 2013 14:29:07 -0800

Watch the following scenes from next week's episode of Law & Order: SVU and see if you can guess which actual headline they're using for their "ripped from the headlines" story. (HINT: It is Rihanna and Chris Brown.)

Oh, wait... he doesn't actually get murdered in real life? Oh, pooh.

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Ambassador Anna

Marjorie Skinner — Thu, 06 Dec 2012 11:44:00 -0800

I'd rather read Teen Vogue than American Vogue—the clothes are more fun, and there's less hand wringing about at what age you should stop wearing short skirts (how about when I'm dead?). But even if you've never cracked either, you know who Vogue editor Anna Wintour is, because she's turned the historically unsung role of fashion editor into one of the most visible perches of celebrity in the world. Erik Maza has a good piece in WWD about the obsession with Anna and the guessing games about what her next career move might be. (The latest scuttlebutt involves an ambassadorship to England or France, believe it or not.) Conveniently, her latest appearances in the gossip pages coincide with the debut of In Vogue: The Editor's Eye, an HBO documentary chronicling the magazine's 120 (!) years. It's airing tonight at 9, which makes me reconsider my decision not to pay for cable:

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But If He Didn't Do It, Why is He Resigning?

Bobby Roberts — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 11:29:08 -0800

As Sarah noted in Good Morning, News, Kevin Clash, the puppeteer responsible for bringing Elmo to life on Sesame Street for the past 28 years, gave his notice today. Articles such as this one are making sure to point out that the resignation comes amidst sexual misconduct allegations, even after Children's Television Workshop had announced they'd done their own internal investigation and found that Clash had committed no wrongdoings, and said allegations were recanted within 24 hours of their being lobbed at Clash in the first place.

So if the accuser recanted, and Children's Television Workshop found the accusations baseless, why is he still quitting? Well, a man in his 30s named Cecil Singleton is saying Clash trolled a gay phone line in 1993, and picked up Singleton for gay sex at the age of 15.

The key details of his accusation:

In the lawsuit, filed in federal court in NYC, Singleton claims Clash "groomed [the accuser] to gain his trust by, among other things, taking him to nice dinners and giving him money."

Singleton claims while Clash was featured on "Sesame Street," he was "preying on teenage boys to satisfy his depraved sexual interests."

In the suit, Singleton claims ... although the sex occurred nearly 20 years ago, he didn't take action until now because ... he "did not become aware that he had suffered adverse psychological and emotional effects from Kevin Clash's sexual acts and conduct until 2012."

Singleton is demanding more than $5 million.

The details of the story seem to be in flux already, as now Singleton is telling TMZ.com, the site that broke the original recanted accusation and seems to be in the business of killing Elmo singlehandedly, that the sexual encounter happened in 2003, and his age is actually 24.

Regardless the veracity of Singleton's claims, this is likely why Clash resigned. The question is whether the Workshop will have to mothball their most popular character ever due to this controversy, as they've let go of their creator. Will people eventually forget that Elmo was somehow tied up in a sex scandal? Elmo will be performed by puppeteers that Clash had been training to perform the character, as they have been since his initial suspension.

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OHHHH Chris Brown... How Can You Keep Getting More Terrible?

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 01 Nov 2012 10:14:33 -0700

Buzzfeed alerts us to the well-known fact that Chris Brown is a big asshole jerk and is just getting jerkier! Here's his Halloween costume.

via

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In a Serious Blow to the Obama Campaign, Lindsay Lohan Has Endorsed Mitt Romney

Paul Constant — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 14:44:13 -0700

That first debate was a tough one, but this is a real heartbreaker:

LOS ANGELES – Four years ago, Lindsay Lohan referred to Obama's Presidential victory as "amazing," but cut to 2012, and it seems the "Mean Girls" star has had a serious change of heart.

"I think unemployment is very important for now, so as of now I think (my vote) is Mitt Romney," Lohan told reporters, including FOX411's Pop Tarts, at the Mr. Pink Ginseng Drink Launch Party Los Angeles on Thursday night.

I will enjoy watching Republicans struggle to embrace Lindsay Lohan as a conservative icon, but I would like to issue a warning to Lohan: Immediately after Jenna Jameson endorsed Romney, she was arrested for drunk driving. I'm starting to think that a Romney endorsement is becoming an important step in the celebrity meltdown cycle, right before rehab.

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Danny DeVito & Rhea Perlman—SPLITSVILLE

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 10:14:55 -0700

After 30 years of marriage (!!) Danny DeVito (Taxi, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia) and Rhea Perlman (Cheers) are divorcing, according to TMZ.

You're welcome for ruining your day. :(

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Nicki Minaj Sets Mariah on Fi-yah!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 10:44:36 -0700

As I mentioned in Good Morning, News, TMZ has acquired some blurry, but still funny video of Nicki Minaj GOING THE FUCK OFF on co-judge Mariah Carey, the American Idol staff, and... the universe, I guess? If she's hard to understand, here's a transcript of some of the stuff she's saying. (Note: Before the video started, Nicki allegedly vowed to "knock Mariah out." WHEEEE!!)

"Oh why, WHYYYY do I have a three year old sitting around me?"

"I can’t see my kids, because you decided to act like a little crazy bitch and go all around the stage.”

"I told them I'm not fuckin' putting up with her fuckin' highness over there."

OH, NO SHE DID NOT. Here's the video from TMZ.

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Celebrity Alert! Jason Segel at Voodoo!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 24 Sep 2012 12:44:25 -0700

Attention would-be celebrity stalkers! According to their Facebook page, actor Jason Segel—whom I adore—was spotted in Voodoo Doughnut!

From Voodoo's FB:

What do you do before your season premiere tonight of "How I Met Your Mother?" Go to Voodoo Doughnut, of course! Thanks Jason!

NICE. Hey, if anyone sees him, ask him if he'd like to stop by the Mercury office and shake the hand that shook Sam Elliott's hand!

h/t Marissa!

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Levi Johnston Continues to Breed

Paul Constant — Thu, 13 Sep 2012 09:44:39 -0700

Babies are such special miracles!

TMZ reports the Alaska native's girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, gave birth to Johnston's second child Wednesday, a daughter named Breeze Beretta Johnston — with the unusual middle name referencing the Italian firearm manufacturer.

This is pretty much an Every Child Needs a Mother and Father waiting to happen.

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Amy Poehler and Will Arnett: SPLITSVILLE

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 07 Sep 2012 10:14:58 -0700

Today in the "Worst News in the World Ever from Us Magazine":

Amy Poehler and Will Arnett are separating after nine years of marriage, Us Weekly has learned exclusively. "It's very amicable," a source says.

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Girls' Lena Dunham Dating That Guy Who Does That Terrible Song

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Wed, 05 Sep 2012 10:14:44 -0700

According to the NYP:

Lena Dunham has an indie rocker boyfriend. The “Girls” creator is dating guitarist Jack Antonoff of the band Fun, according to the upcoming issue of Us Weekly.

Whatever. She can date whoever she wants. But can we PLEASE all agree that the "We Are Young" song by Fun is a simply TERRIBLE, and GROSSLY OVERRATED tune? Can we do that? Please?

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The Portland Fashion & Style Awards Still Intends to Exist

Marjorie Skinner — Tue, 21 Aug 2012 14:59:00 -0700

Way back last summer, a Facebook page for something called the Portland Fashion & Style Awards appeared on the 'nets, threatening to throw an awards show for the industry this past January. That never happened, but PFSA has a real web site now, and this time they're saying they're going to for real throw down on October 5 at the Schnitz—polls are even open now so you can nominate for each of the categories (best designer/salon/makeup artist/boutique/etc.).

Although it came out of nowhere-ish (its headquarters appeared to be in Vancouver, at one point, and none of the major players actually working in the industry—in other words, the people who should be represented at an event like this—have had anything to do with it), it's actually the work of Tod Foulke (with Ann Akre), who was once associated with Portland Fashion Week. Reports from the school suggest that the apparel design students at Ai, at least, are buzzing about it, but I fully anticipate it to make the first year of the Portland Music Awards look plugged in. That said, I am totally going, because I love a trainwreck, and you know, research, and the fact that we didn't do "Worst Night Ever" this summer.

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Fred Willard Pulls a Pee-Wee

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 13:59:32 -0700

Beloved (at least to me) actor Fred Willard (star of Best in Show, For Your Consideration, WALL-E, etc.) was arrested last night at a Hollywood porno theater for "lewd conduct" (AKA you know... mstrb8ing). From TMZ:

Fred Willard was arrested for lewd conduct last night in Hollywood when police allegedly caught him with his pants down in an adult movie theater ... TMZ has learned.

According to law enforcement sources, LAPD undercover vice officers went into the Tiki Theater in Hollywood and found the 78-year-old "Anchorman" star watching last night's feature ... with his penis exposed and in his hand.

Can someone in his family please introduce him to internet porn? :( + :( = :(((((

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Brad Pitt's Mother: Not an Obama Fan

Eli Sanders — Fri, 06 Jul 2012 09:44:00 -0700

Via the Hollywood Reporter, a letter from Jane Pitt—mother of Brad, "a Christian," and a strong supporter of Mitt Romney:

Any Christian should spend much time in prayer before refusing to vote for a family man with high morals, business experience, who is against abortion, and shares Christian conviction concerning homosexuality just because he is a Mormon.

As for that guy running on the Democratic ticket, Jane Pitt identifies him as "Barack Hussein Obama—a man who sat in Jeremiah Wright’s church for years, did not hold a public ceremony to mark the National Day of Prayer, and is a liberal who supports the killing of unborn babies and same-sex marriage."

Brad, of course, disagrees.

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"Katie Holmes 'Biggest Nightmare' in Scientology History, Say Experts"

David Schmader — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 13:44:00 -0700

That's the headline of a Hollywood Reporter story that is packed with remarkable chunks of text. Here are some of my favorites:

Holmes appears more aggressive and fearless than those who have taken steps to distance themselves from the church or have "blown" — Scientology parlance for leaving the church — according to one-time key members of the church who have left, many after years of soul searching, and endured what they claim was often harassment, intimidation and being cut off from their families. But some of Holmes’ apparent courage could stem from the fact that many of the high-ranking Scientologists who ran interference for Cruise during his marriage to Kidman and often discouraged or intimidated mainstream media from reporting on Scientology have left the church. A number of them are now actively working against Miscavige and Cruise by spilling church secrets to the very reporters they once threatened.

"Katie ambushed Tom Cruise and in so doing outwitted some of the most controlling people on Earth," says Karen De La Carriere, who was once one of the most powerful executives in Scientology and was married to Heber Jentzsch, Scientology's longtime president who mysteriously hasn't been seen in years.

Even Rupert Murdoch tweeted this week that the church was "evil" and "creepy" in a move some saw as proof that the media should no longer fear reporting about the church. Fox News' Geraldo Rivera followed the boss’ tweet with one of his own on Monday, asking, "Does Scientology have special program to provide cover for closeted gay superstars?"

"Katie could blow Scientology wide open," says Rathbun, who was in the church for 22 years before leaving in late 2004. Rathbun, who calls himself an "independent Scientologist" and writes a candid blog popular with former members, was Cruise’s auditor and handled Cruise’s divorce from Kidman."If Tom’s smart, he won’t fight her on anything, even custody. He should just try to settle his way out of it," says Rathbun. "She could press this sole-custody issue and litigate it, and that would be the biggest nightmare in the Church of Scientology’s history. It would be a circus they couldn’t survive."

Stay tuned.

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Good Morning, Alec Baldwin News!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 10:29:27 -0700

Alec Baldwin weds his 28-year-old yoga instructor girlfriend on Sunday.

After tweeting pics of his wedding bands, Alec Baldwin quits Twitter FOREVER—for the second time.

In his new Vanity Fair interview, Alec Baldwin says that at one time he wanted to do this to TMZ founder Harvey Levin:

I wanted to stick a knife in him and gut him and kill him and I wanted him to die breathing his last breath looking into my eyes."

And that's your Alec Baldwin news for this morning!

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: SPLITZO!

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey — Fri, 29 Jun 2012 11:44:24 -0700

According to TMZ and multiple sources, Katie Holmes has filed for divorce from Tom Cruise—AND has asked for sole custody of their child Suri. From TMZ:

We're told Tom "did not see this coming." We're told there is some "nastiness" here, evidenced by Katie's move to get sole legal custody.

POLL TIME!

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Rare Sighting of a Terrence Malick in His Natural Habitat

Erik Henriksen — Wed, 13 Jun 2012 12:59:21 -0700

Via Vulture comes revelation that, while harassing Benicio del Toro, TMZ accidentally got some footage of Terrence Malick, the most elusive filmmaker in the world. (TMZ either didn't recognize Malick or just didn't care.) One of the best filmmakers ever repeatedly tries to shuffle away from TMZ's obnoxious cameraman starting at about 3:15, in a story that TMZ placed right after their update on Lindsay Lohan's latest car wreck.

So that is what a Terrence Malick looks like.

This reminds me that Malick—not the most prolific director, with a gap of six years between Tree of Life and The New World, and which in turn ended a seven-year drought after The Thin Red Line—has a weirdly packed slate coming up. If I'm not mistaken, To the Wonder, starring Ben Affleck, Rachel McAdams, and Javier Bardem, has already wrapped; later this year, he'll be shooting two more movies, Lawless and Knight of Cups. IF TMZ WILL LEAVE HIM ALONE THAT IS.

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Today in Awesome Squandering

David Schmader — Fri, 25 May 2012 10:59:00 -0700

According to US Weekly, the Bristol Palin-impregnating Levi Johnston is penniless and living with his mom—which is nothing but sad until you get to this sentence:

"Levi made more than $1 million and squandered it on guns, boats and four-wheelers," the source says of Playgirl's winter 2010 cover model, 22.

Poor sad Levi Johnston, living with his mom, whose side yard is choked with guns, boats, and four-wheelers.

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Mitt Romney Suddenly Plagued by Rumors of Public Masturbation

Paul Constant — Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:29:00 -0700

Check out the comments on this Mitt Romney video's YouTube page, which are all about rumors of Mitt Romney masturbating on a Connecticut hotel balcony.

Does public masturbation make you feel like more of a man you sick son of a bitch?

masturbating on a hotel balcony? absolutely disgusting. this is what we do not need in the white house

i always knew he would be caught for public masturbation sooner or later

From a balcony? Your father would be disgusted, he was an hero and the voice of a generation.

Ok if the dude actually beat it in public why the fuck has no one reported it yet i call trolling.

It's important to note that these are just rumors posted in the comments on a YouTube video. Nobody has proof that Mitt Romney was caught masturbating on a Connecticut hotel balcony. Of course, nobody has any proof that Mitt Romney didn't get caught masturbating on a Connecticut hotel balcony, either. Many more comments after the jump.

Romney has yet to make any statement about allegations he was caught masturbating outside on his hotel balcony. If Romney were innocent, why wouldn't he speak out to clear his name?

Are you serious? You have to be a real scumbag to use your power to suppress the media. He needs to face the fact that he WAS CAUGHT MASTURBATING IN PUBLIC!

All we know right now is that he was standing naked on his balcony and performing lewd acts. We don't know for sure he was masturbating. We just don't have all the information.

The lamestream media ignores the issues that are facing our country like why was Mitt jerking off on a hotel balcony in Connecticut? WHY?

He's a busy guy and probably really stressed out, who cares if he faps in public as long as he can do a good job with the economy. Fapping on a balcony is his business, get over it

BALCONY 2012

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The 2012 Job Rankings: Your Wednesday Depressive

Marjorie Skinner — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 13:14:02 -0700

The 2012 job rankings by CareerCast are out, ranking the top 200 hundred jobs based on a rather complex methodology balancing work "Environment, Income, Outlook, Stress and Physical Demands." The good news and bad news is the same: There is no perfect job, and even those ranked in the top 10 may be rated exceptionally well for something like work environment and do really badly in the stress department. But cutting to the chase, the top 10 are 1) Software Engineer, 2) Actuary, 3) Human Resources Manager, 4) Dental Hygienist, 5) Financial Planner, 6) Audiologist, 7) Occupational Therapist, 8) Online Advertising Manager, 9) Computer Systems Analyst, and 10) Mathematician.

Who knew. As for the worst (from least worst to most worst): 191) Broadcaster, 192) Butcher, 193) Dishwasher, 194) Meter Reader, 195) Waiter/Waitress, 196) Reporter (Newspaper), 197) Oil Rig Worker, 198) Enlisted Military Soldier, 199) Dairy Farmer, and 200) Lumberjack.

Plan your life accordingly.

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Axl Rose and Lana Del Rey Rumored to Be Dating

Marjorie Skinner — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 11:44:00 -0700

SHUDDER. From the NY Daily News:

The "Video Games" singer and Rose, 50, were spotted leaving the Chateau Marmont in West Hollywood together Friday, feuling speculation that the two are more than musical colleagues. Del Rey has long admired the Guns N' Roses singer, and just last month, attended two back-to-back shows in L.A. to show her support. Prior to making it big with her controversial stint on "Saturday Night Live," the singer even recorded a song "Axl Rose Husband," in which she exhalted Rose. "You're my one king daddy, I'm your little queen," she croons on the track.

On the one hand this pairing could have disastrous cultural implications. A young, Appetite-era Axl Rose is one thing, but the puffy old multiply transgressed Rose is some risky business. And Del Rey, of course, we hate. (Why do we hate her again? Because of SNL or because "king daddy"?) On the other hand, this seems a little trumped up. Firstly there was another woman with them when they were spotted, and this looks like a pretty safe distance:

Either way I find the idea grimly fascinating.

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